Hey, my Pretties! Yes, yes, I know, I’m late.
But don’t you worry. This Pretty Little Recap will be short on words, and heavy on gifs and snark . . . just how you like it. ;)
(1) Want to find the perfect gift to show that special someone you care? Might I suggest a piece of jewelry . . . a necklace, or a bracelet, perhaps . . . something that really expresses your true feelings.
You really want your recipient to feel like you’ve given him or her a PART of yourself in your gift . . . like, for example, a molar, some canines, and a few front teeth . . .
(2) If you own a particular item of value . . . something you REALLY don’t want to lose . . . might I suggest NOT dangling it over the automatic flush toilet, while gesticulating wildly, and bobbing your head up and down repeatedly, like a chicken at feed time?
(3) Planning a trip to your local insane asylum?
Here are some items you might want to bring along: crossword puzzles, coloring books, board games, an “I’m with Wackadoo” t-shirt. You what you should NOT bring? Knives, razor blades, box cutters, tweezers, or anything that is remotely POINTY AND SHARP!
[Hmm . . . well, this was an interesting turn of events. What’s with Mona and the sudden cutting tendencies? Is she going to try to claim that Hanna MADE HER BLEED? Was she hoping to take a DNA test to find out who’s her daddy? Has she been jonesing to take up fingerpainting, and was simply out of red paint? So many questions . . .]
(4) “Ambiguous loss.”
It’s a clinical term for how you feel when your former best friend becomes a total psychopath, blackmails you, almost sends your mom and YOU to jail, ruins all your relationships, tries to kill you, and ends up in the nuthouse . . .
. . . where you feel an inexplicable desire to visit her regularly, read to her from teen magazines, and give her a makeover . . .
(5) I might be persuaded to check myself into a mental hospital, if THIS was my Doctor Feel Good . . .
(6) When you are feeling super stressed . . .
. . . and your ABS-TASTIC boyfriend offers to give you a sexy back massage . . .
. . . don’t be selfish!
Tell him, he has to take off his shirt, so we ALL can get some enjoyment out of this . . .
(7) Before trashing your dad’s office to wreak vengeance on the hussy he’s screwing behind your mom’s back . . .
. . . all because of some ugly earring in his couch cushion
that your sociopath friend TOTALLY planted there, because SHE was probably secretly banging your dad too . . .
. . . you might want to make sure they are ACTUALLY HER EARRINGS’, first . . . (Maybe your dad wears earrings sometimes, Aria. Ever think of that?)
(8) When pretending to be blind as part of an elaborately ridiculous scheme to ruin the lives of some of your high school classmates . .
. . . the PUBLIC RESTROOM,where said classmates spend NEARLY ALL OF THEIR TIME . . .
. . is probably not the place to start . . . you know . . . acting like you SEE . . . and stuff . . .
[By the way, I am so proud of my girl Spencer for deciding to use the A-Team’s tactics against them, by saving the super juicy information about Not-So-Blind Jenna’s . . . um . . . not so blindness . . . for a rainy d-“A”-y.
Game on, A-HOLES (which, by the way is my new name for the A-team.)! ]
(9) Worried about an upcoming exam?
Here are some study tips to make sure your ace your big test. First, find a hot tutor, who you can stare at for extended periods of time, without getting bored or distracted.
Two, do something to calm yourself before the exam, like meditation or listening to music.
And finally, make sure your friend’s mom is your teacher, so she can take the test for you . . .
[Hmm . . . why am I thinking the “A” team is somehow going to start blackmailing Aria’s MOM now. This ought to be interesting.]
(10) There are plenty of schools in the Virginia area. Why does every single person who has banged or wants to bang a Montgomery choose to teach at either Rosewood Prep or Hollis?
And finally . . .
(11) When the former Police Boy currently rotting away in jail under suspicion of double homicide tells you not to trust the people you care about, you should TOTALLY believe him. I mean, nothing says trustworthy, like an orange jumpsuit, and Johnny Depp hair . . .
(12) This guy?
A TOTAL KEEPER.
And finally . . .
(13) Hoodies = The uniform for evildoing TV teens EVERYWHERE!
That’s all I’ve got folks. Until next time, my Pretties!