Dating Profile for Lizard Thingy, a.k.a The Kainaima
Age: Better not tell you now . . .
Sex: Sure! If you’re still alive, by the time I’m done with you.
Likes: Long walks on the beach, cars, paralyzed prey, lacrosse
Dislikes: Abusive dads, Argents (even Hot Black ones), Douchey Grease Monkeys, and Werewolves
Fears: Water, Mirrors . . . and Stiles?
Hey there, Werebangers! Of all the episodes of Teen Wolf we’ve seen so far, this one was by far the most educational.
Let’s see . . . we learned the difference between “Bestiary” and “Bestiality.”
We learned about a creature called the Kanaima, who’s SO deadly, it can instantly kill anything it touches, yet somehow has crushingly low self-esteem, and can’t even go in the Kiddie Pool without a pair of Swimmies.
We learned how to edit boring film footage of someone sleeping to make it EVEN MORE BORING.
And finally, we learned that Stiles is the most awesome dude on the planet . . .
Then again, we already knew that.
So, without further adieu, I bring to you “Abomination.” Let the learning begin!
[As always, everything in this recap that you think is pretty, belongs to Andre, Screencapper Extraordinaire. Without him, these recaps would be super lame.]
“Killers come in all ages . . . sizes and shapes.”
“Be afraid . . .be VERY afraid.” That’s what The Vet tells the Argents (and Scott before them), when they enter his lair at the beginning of the episode. And with good reason! Because there, lounging before him on the operating table, is Hot Black Argent, who’s looking a little less “Hot Black” these days, and a bit more “Pre-Chewed / Beef Jerkified.”
“I’ve always wanted my stomach muscles to look ‘cut,’ but this is ridiculous.”
The Vet almost gleefully describes to all of us the rather unpleasant way in which Hot Black Argent met his Maker, despite the fact that (1) we saw it happen; and (2) it’s kind of obvious to anyone with a pair of eyes.
“Oh really, is that, how he died? I thought it was from old age.”
By far, the creepiest aspect of this autopsy is the when The Vet shows the Argents the teeny tiny scratch on the back of Hot Black Argent’s neck. For one thing, his neck makes a really disturbing cracking sound, when it’s turned.
Noisiest . . . neck . . . EVER!
For another, apparently that little scratch contains something called a paralytic toxin. This means that, rather then merely killing its prey outright, Lizard Thingy completely paralyzed Hot Black Argent first . . . and then forced him to lie on the floor, alive and immobile, so that he could WATCH himself be sliced open into ten strips of bacon.
“Tasty,” you might say.
But actually, contrary to popular belief. 24-year old Hot Black Argents simply aren’t a part of Lizard Thingy’s balanced breakfast.
“Killing may be it’s only purpose,” warns The Vet sagely.
Well . . . it sure isn’t trying to start itself a Lacrosse Team . . .
“That’s gonna cost you extra.”
Now, based on what we’ve learned so far, about our pal, Lizard Thingy, he seems to have a real penchant for killing Hot 24-year Old Blue Collar types . . . and Dawson Leery’s Dad.
We meet Victim Number 3 at an Auto Body Shop, where he’s fleecing poor Stiles out of his hard-earned cash to fix the latter’s rat trap of a car.
Like Hot Black Argent, Victim #3, a former high school lacrosse player, of course, is sexy, in a kind of Douchey Grease Monkey sort of way. In fact, if this was a different type of show, he’d probably end up being The Lead, as opposed to The Guy Who Ends Up with a Car on His Torso.
As Stiles storms out of the shop, he makes the mistake of putting his hand on the door handle . . . something I learned not to do in any public place, without a paper towel, when I was like five.
Seriously! Door handles are nasty. Have you ever watched one of those news programs, where they swab them for germs? Put it this way, your hands would be cleaner, after fondling a toilet seat in a gas station . . .
Anywhoo . . . this door handle is particularly unsanitary, because it contains Lizard Thingy Cooties, which render Stiles’ ten little fingers completely immobile. (Though, honestly, I only remember him touching the door with one hand.)
Though Stiles won’t be doing the Robot Dance, anytime soon. He’s got it easy. Douchey Grease Monkey, alas, will suffer a far worse fate. He gets the Full Lizard Thingy Neck Massage, and can do nothing but stare up at the sky sadly, as the last piece of crap car, he will ever work on crushes him from below. Ouch!
“It should have been a Lexus.”
Somehow, Stiles manages to dial 911, with uncooperative fingers, but not before he gets to have a little Meet and Greet with Lizard Thingy, who pops by to say Howdy. He’s a really sociable dude, that Lizard Thingy . . .
Grandpa Not-John McCain wants you to trust him . . .
You ever notice how much Granpoppy Argent resembles a certain aging former U.S. presidential candidate?
In fact, were it not for the occasional Irish brogue slipping into his dialogue, I’d probably assume that the Senator was moonlighting as a werewolf hunter on MTV . . .
Allison is sneaking out of the house to meet Scott, because she got his Very Secret Message Written in Car Window Sweat.
Those crazy kids and their new fangled technology! Personally, if I was sneaking out for a late night leg humping session with my doggie boyfriend, I’d probably opt for an old fashioned form of secret communication . . . like a text message . . . but that’s just me.
Grandpoppy Not-John McCain catches Allison on her way to meet Scott, and impedes her progress, long enough for Scott to look all sad and emo, as he stares off into the stars . . . alone.
But back to Grandpoppy and Allison. There’s just something about the way these Argent’s communicate. One second they are all smiles, and nostalgic stories about the past . . . the next, they are barking in your ear about things like “trust” and “conviction” with crazy pants, “I’m gonna eat you with a side salad, and a glass of milk,” looks in their eyes. Then, just as quickly, they are smiling again.
“I never should have gotten involved with that crazy Palin women. Oops. Sorry, umm . . . what’s my line again?”
In short, if I was an Argent like Allison, I’d probably wish I was adopted . . .
“I think it knew me.”
Back at the Crime Scene, Stiles isn’t quite ready to tell his Sheriff Dad that the Lizard Thingy ate his car repair man. But Sheriff Stilinski knows his son well enough to know he’s hiding something, and gives him one of “those looks.” If you have a dad, you know exactly what kind of Look I’m talking about.
Nope . . . not that one . . .
That’s the one . . .
Suffice it to say, if I was Allison Argent, not only would I want to be adopted, I’d want to be adopted into Stiles’ family. Because his dad’s just a super sweet heart, who genuinely cares for his son. No Crazy Eyes on that one!
When Scott picks Stiles up from the scene (The latter’s car has been impounded as evidence, due to it’s having Bits of Douchey Grease Monkey slathered across it’s underbelly), Stiles describes his experience to his friend in detail, admitting that Lizard Thingy seemed to . . . know Stiles personally.
Worst Werewolves EVER!
You ever watch one of those sports movies, with the ragtag bunch of loser athletes, who can’t play for crap for the first hour and the half of the film, but suddenly pull it together just in time for the Big Game? Well Derek’s Wolf Pack is kind of like those guys . . . only less inspiring.
We watch as Lame-o Isaac, and even Lamer-O Erica try in vain to attack Derek, only to have him boredly swat them away with his hand, like pesky flies.
Boyd, of course, doesn’t have to play. He just gets to watch. Teacher’s Pet!
Since Werewolf Erica’s weapons of choice seem to be her boobs and her tongue, she tries to shove the latter down Derek’s throat to distract him.
Though I can’t say I blame the girl for trying . . .
. . . this whole one-note, “I’m suddenly hot, so now I throw myself at everything with a weiner,” thing is getting a bit old.
Derek doesn’t seem to think so though. Though he rejects Erica’s advances (but only after making out with her for three glorious minutes) . . .
. . . he informs her that he has “someone else in mind for her.” My initial thought is that Derek is going to have Erica seduce either Scott or Stiles, in hopes of indoctrinating them into his Lame Leather Wearing Wolf Pack. but since both men seem 100% immune to her charms, I’m hoping his plan is a bit more clever than that . . .
After all, the new Alpha has a Lizard Thingy to defeat, and Argents to overcome. This is really no time to play a werewolf version of The Bachelorette . . .
“What’s your brand of psychosis?”
Here’s something we learned about Lydia. She is NOT a morning person. Breaking mirrors with your bear hands isn’t exactly the sign of a well-adjusted teen.
“Why can’t I just blame my crazy on PMS, like everyone else?”
No wonder Lydia’s mom, a.k.a. Tyler Lockwood’s mom, wants her to see the school shrink, a.k.a Witch Emily / Maya from Pretty Little Liars, who’s actually playing a character that’s her own age, for a change.
“Please don’t kill me off. They always kill me off on these teen shows . . . usually around the same time they learn that I’m
While waiting to have her head shrunk, Lydia gets hit on by creepy dude, who’s sole purpose for being in this episode seems to be as Lizard Thingy Suspect Number 5.
Hey, any of you guys ever watch The O.C.? Remember Psycho Oliver? Yeah, Marissa met him outside a shrink’s office too . . .
In side shrinky-poo’s office, Lydia notes that sometimes the people closest to you can hold you back the most.
Shrinkypoo wants to know who told her that, but Lydia doesn’t remember. My guess is that these Very Important Words of Wisdom come from her good pal, Uncle Alpha . . . a.k.a the guy who’s been traipsing around her mind with his gross gnarly feet for the past three or so episodes . . .
Elsewhere, Stiles is telling Scott how much he loves him, and how sorry he is about missing their date last night.
It’s about time those two admitted their unspoken passion for one another.
But wait . . . just kidding. He’s delivering a message for Allison . . . the Juliet to Scott’s Puppy Romeo.
There’s a running joke in the episode where Stiles has to keep dashing back and forth delivering messages between Scott and Allison, because apparently, they can’t trust those pesky Argents not to go through their cell phones.
In addition to delivering messages of love, Stiles also needs to pass along messages about the Elusive “Bestiary,” (not to be confused with Bestiality, though I wouldn’t put that past the Argents’ either), i.e. a Werewolf Hunter Diary that describes all sorts of mythical creatures . . . like say . . . Lizard Thingys with Hard Ons for teenage boys, like Stiles.
Ultimately, the threesome decide that in order to obtain said book, Allison must obtain Granpoppy Not McCain’s office keys during the Big Lacrosse Game, and pass them off to Stiles, so that he can search the premises, while Grandpoppy is “otherwise occupied.” Hmmm . . . this storyline sounds mighty familiar. Remember last seasons’ Big Bad Werewolf book? Who knew those Argents were so gosh darn literary?
Because Jackson is EVERYONE’S TYPE . . .
After his Adventures in Car Lifting, Jackson has grown suspicious of that boring ass sex tape he made of himself . . . you know . . . the one ended up showing him doing nothing more than having a few wet dreams over the course of his allotted 7.5 hours of “beauty rest.”
Danny is confused by his supposedly heterosexual pals repeated entreaties that Danny watch the video. “I’ve told you, you’re not my type,” explains Danny, who, as we know, tends to prefer his men swarthier and more . . . Derek-esque.
But Jackson thinks he’s everyone’s type.
So, Danny commandeers Creepy Photographer Guy to watch the video with him. What they find is what many of us suspected in the first place. As it turns out, Jackson’s tape has been manipulated to loop in on itself over and over again. In other words, two hours of live footage are missing from the tape.
This pretty much scraps Jackson’s Lizard Thingy Alibi . . . except, I don’t think he did it. For one thing, he’s way too stupid . . .
My money’s still on Photographer Guy as the footage-doctoring culprit (though, I guess “computer whiz” Danny could have done it too). But why? The most obvious reason would be to make Jackson eventually come to THINK he’s Lizard Thingy . . . but who would want to do that, aside from Lizard Thingy himself? Ah, the plot . . . it’s thickening . . .
“The bigger they are, the BIGGER THEY ARE!”
It’s time for Teen Wolf’s obligatory Lacrosse Match. The whole cast is there . . . Creepy Photographer Guy, Jackson, Danny, Stiles, Scott, Allison, Grandpoppy Not-McCain. Even the wolf pack has come to watch (minus Fugitive Isaac, of course). For her part, Allison manages to wrangle her Grandpa’s keys, by using the old “I’m a girl, and I’m cold. Be a gentleman and lend me your jacket.” trick.
What girl hasn’t used that one before, huh?
Interestingly enough, despite the fact that Beacon Hills’ Lacrosse Team is getting to the point where it has more Werewolves on it than Humans, they are LOSING . . . BADLY . . . and all because of some big Hulk of a guy, called the “Abomination.” (Golly gee! That’s the name of this episode!)
“I’m just pissed off, because I’m on a team called The Beavers.”
Abomination keeps knocking all members of the opposing team unconscious, leaving Coach Crackhead a player short. His solution: get someone from the stands to play. And I bet you will never guess who?
“Because Heaven forbid a male character on this show NOT play lacrosse.”
It’s Boyd! The Wolf Man With the Plan. And wouldn’t you know it? He gets to be just like Scott, after all, pummeling the entire lacrosse field like a champ, despite having never played the sport . . . ever. And, of course, no one on the field seems to notice his Big Yellow Glowing Eyes . . . probably because half the team has them . . .
“Like jock straps, demon eyes are an essential part of the team uniform.”
Grandpoppy Not-John McCain thinks this game is a bit violent for his tastes. He much prefers nice calm games, like Chess, Checkers, and Cut the Werewolf in Half with a Carving Knife . . .
Lydia is Pretty Crier. How nice for her . . . (especially considering she does it in every episode).
On his way to Not-John McCain’s office, Stiles runs into a tearful Lydia in the parking lot. Ever the charmer, Stiles tells Lydia she looks beautiful when she cries . . .
. . . and offers her a petite, but surprisingly well-toned shoulder to cry on. Lydia seems about ready to take Stiles up on his offer.
Unfortunately, Stiles has some bestiality to take care of, first . . . (Wait . . . I got that wrong again, didn’t I?)
Just like the Gremlins . . . Lizard Thingy doesn’t want to get wet . . .
Stiles is looking for Bestiality . . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary. Erica catches him, and brings him to the pool for a nice little swim / chat with Master Derek. They discuss Stiles’ experience at the Auto Body shop, where Stiles noticed several EPA violations, and one Big Green Scaley Dude straight out of an old Japanese Horror Flick.
Speaking of Big Green Scaley Dude, his ears must have been burning, because he shows up for the party too! And as we all know, their ain’t no party, like a Lizard Thingy party!
Like I said, Lizard Thingy clearly has a thing for hot 24-year olds. So, while it growls at Stiles, and harmlessly bats at Lydia, it’s Derek, who gets the paralytic neck massage, and ends up taking a flying leap into the pool.
A now immobilized Derek pleads for Stiles to call Scott. But ever the unlikely hero, Stiles opts instead to dive into the water and rescue Derek.
The two swim arm-and arm-for hours (well . . .one swims, the other just sort of “hangs out”), as the conveniently water leery Lizard Thingy circles the pool, clearly anxious.
(Now, we know it’s not Jackson! That guy LOOOOOVES the water . . . Unless, of course, he knows from experience that water will revert him back to his human form . . . hmmmm.) Yes, Team Sterek . . . this entire scene was written JUST FOR YOU GUYS! Forget, Lydia and her gorgeous crying, bring on the thinly-veiled homoeroticism!
(Speaking of lovely ladies, what the heck was Queen Erica doing during all this time? Painting her toenails?)
“I was hungry.”
Eventually, after a few hours of sexually tense water treading, Stiles and Derek get into a bit of a pissing contest, to determine who’d be better at saving the other one’s life. Stiles eventually wins, by letting Derek drop into the pool like a rag doll, while he makes a mad dash for the phone to call Hero Scott. Don’t worry! He picks him up again.
Turns out, in addition to his solid rock climbing skills, Stiles is also a pretty kick ass swimmer. I’m telling you. He’s SPIDERMAN!
Meanwhile, back at the Lacrosse Game . . .
“Sorry about your almost-broken bones! Maybe a nice awkward family dinner with the people who want you dead, will make you feel better.”
Just when it seems like Bad Boyd might blow the wolfy lid off his Secret Identity, Scott distracts the crowd, by scoring a relatively human-looking point for the team. So, of course, the Abomination tackles him. And of course, right under the watchful eyes of Grandpoppy Not-McCain, Scott heals a very obviously broken leg bone, just by standing on it.
Grandpoppy is clearly impressed . . . so impressed that he invites Scott to his supposedly ex-girlfriend’s house for dinner, despite the fact that the lacrosse game is still going on. (No worries! Coach Crackhead can just get another werewolf from the crowd to play in Scott’s place. The town is literally crawling with them.)
Ah . . . Dinner with Argents . . . it brings back such memories . . . like that time Scott got caught searching for bullets in Kate’s room, and ended up having to tell Allison’s parents he was stealing condoms, instead. Awesome!
I have to say, I sided with Grandpoppy Not- McCain on this one, watching the Argents squirm awkwardly, while Grandpoppy openly inquired why Scott and Allison weren’t still boning on a regular basis was kind of awesome.
“I pretend to hate you, but really, I just want to lick you like a lollipop.”
And the old guy just seemed to be having such a great time too!
Eventually, Scott and Allison excuse themselves to go search Grandpoppy’s room for the Bestiality . . . er . . . I mean the Bestiary, and wind up finding a cook book instead. (I don’t know, maybe their one in the same. I wouldn’t put it past Not-McCain to pan fry a few werewolves and vampires, and slather them with barbeque sauce.)
But then Scott gets his S.O.S. message from Stiles, annnnd . . . leaves him to die, so he can hang out with Allison some more. Now, that’s a good friend.
Fortunately, for Stiles, Scott has other business to attend to at the school, business that involves a USB drive on Grandpoppy’s key chain that may contain the Bestiary. (Pretty tech savvy for an old guy, right?) So, it looks like our favorite Wolf/Human duo will get rescued after all . . .
Wolfy Scott pulls Team Sterek out of the water just in time to face off against Lizard Thingy, who prompty tosses our hero into some glass. Thinking fast, Scott holds up one of the shards as a weapon.
“Prepare to get shanked, Gecko from Geico!”
So, you can imagine the Wolf Pup’s shock when Lizard Thingy gets one look at his ugly mug, and runs away crying. (But was it “a beautiful cry,” Stiles?)
“Don’t look at me. I’m hideous!”
I can’t say I blame it. Lizard Thingy needs to moisturize . . .
Safe and sound, outside the school, Derek tells Scott Lizard Thingy’s name, it’s Kainaima. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? Scott things the whole Scooby Gang (Argents included) should band together to bring it down. But Derek’s not down with that. He wants to kill it himself.
Say what? What happened to your whole “join or die / we can’t do it alone” mentality, Hot Stuff? Did the paralytic toxin freeze part of your brain too?
Tsk, tsk Derek. It’s a good thing, you’re so darn pretty . . .
In the final scene of the episode, Grandpoppy corners Scott, and knives him in the gut. Now Pappy! Is that any way to treat your future Grandwolf-in-Law?
“Wait . . . before you leave me here to bleed all over the floor, check out my impersonation of an old man. Pretty good, right?”
Until next time, Werebangers!