I watch True Blood for the . . . um . . . plot . . . seriously.
Hola, Fangbangers! This week on True Blood was all about “The Makers.” We got to learn a bit more about who our characters “came from” (both literally and figuratively), and how those origins helped shape them into the people they are today.
Man, would I like to be the one who MADE that . . .
Did I mention this episode also involved a whole lotta sex and tight black leather?
Let’s review, shall we?
In which we learn why vampires should never work for AAA . . .
We open our episode with Super Cranky Vampire Tara, who, like any good samaritan, has just stopped on the side of the road, to help a neighbor fix a flat tire. And by “help a neighbor fix a flat tire,” I actually mean “eat a neighbor, who has a flat tire.”
But then Tara suffers a little crisis of conscience, and decides to hold off on her yummy female meal.
“Hey, does this mean you aren’t going to help me with my car?”
Instead, she heads off to visit her good pal and former f*&k buddy Sam. So, she can drink him out of house and True Blood, and take a nap in Merlotte’s meat locker at day break. Talk about a rude house guest!
But hey, at least she didn’t eat her host. So, I guess that’s a start . . .
Speaking of hosts . . .
In which the New Nan Flanagan is about 85,000 times better than the Old One . . .
It looks like the authority has itself a NEW Nan Flanagan. And HE is AWESOME!
Here’s hoping that at least a few of Steve’s Vampire Spokesperson “Russell Edgington is dead, except not really” TV interviews involve DANCING . . .
Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .
In which Pam gets fingered by Sookie . . .
Sookie wants Pam to find her MIA new progeny Tara, and teach her the ways of the Vampire World.
Pam would rather pluck her eyes out with tweezers or eat shoes than spend any more time with Tara, than the time she already spent huddled next to her in a grave wearing a Walmart sweat outfit.
Can you blame her?
Pam basically tells Sookie to take her new vampire pal and shove her up her ass. Sookie doesn’t like that too much, so she gives Pam a little fairy finger action.
Sucks for Pam . . .
In which Eric and Bill have some S&M fun with Mac from Veronica Mars . . .
After much debate (and a little whining from that twerpy vampire kid), Rowan and his “Authoritayyyy” have decided to give Eric and Beeel another chance at life, provided they exterminate the Big Bad Russell E.
Somehow, this “other chance at life” involves them wearing leather diapers, courtesy of the chick who played Mac on Veronica Mars.
Apparently, said diapers are wired to kill Eric and Bill, if they misbehave or something.
(Personally, I just think it was Alan Ball’s excuse to get the two actors to fulfill some S&M fantasy of his . . .)
Hey, no complaints here . . .
In which EVERYBODY screws Salome . . .
Who says True Blood never teaches you anything? This week on True Blood we learned the real story behind the biblical figure Salome, best known for doing a slutty dance, and asking for some guy’s head on a platter.
Now, apparently, she’s a vampire who gets to have sex with Alex Skarsgard, Christopher Meloni, and Stephen Moyer in the course of a single episode.
Not bad for a days work, right?
Speaking of sexually active vampires . . .
In which Vampire Jess reenacts those annoying AXE body spray commercials . . .
Vampire Jess is out dress shopping, when she comes upon a mysterious man with blood that smells “awesome.”
Without passing Go, or paying for her store merchandise, a totally turned on Jess chases Mr. Goodblood (who is most likely none other than Everyone’s Favorite Fairy Claude) across the forest. Unfortunately, for her, he gets away before she can ravage him with her nose and teeth. (Dude MUST be gay!)
“I am . . . at least, in the books.”
So, a still sexed up Jess, heads in search of the Next Best Thing . . .
Jason F*&KING STACKHOUSE . . .
In which Jason has sex with a cat lady, but not Jessica . . .
Ladies love Jason Stackhouse . . . Cats . . . not so much.
Poor Jason! Who knew the real reason he became such a man whore was that some lonely cat lady teacher seduced him, back during his pre-pubescent years?
(Not that we can really blame her.)
Jason runs into the very woman who supposedly “taught him everything he knows about sex” (And for that I say, “THANK YOU VERY MUCH, LADY!”) at the grocery store.
They quickly head back to her place for a little “high school reunion.”
But then Jason decides that meaningless sex is bad.
So, when Horny Jess pops by to see him, he denies her the goods. But because Jess is a pal, she decides to stick around anyway, just for the “company and conversation.” Riiiiiight . . . because that’s gonna last.
In other Stackhouse news . . .
In which everybody is pissed at Sookie . . .
So remember back to last season, when everyone just looooved Sookie, and her fairy vajayjay.
My have times changed! Now Tara’s pissed at her for turning her vamp. And Sam and Arlene second that emotion.
Also, Pam’s pissed at Sookie for that whole Fairy Finger Thing. Lafayette’s so pissed at Sookie, his demon other half almost bleaches the gumbo. And Alcide’s pissed at Sookie when he finds out she killed his wacked out Trailer Trash Ex and lied about for weeks . . .
Better learn how to play Solitaire, Sookie, because it doesn’t look like you are going to be sitting at the Popular Table, anymore . . .
And now for the absolute best part of the episode . . .
In which we learn how Pam was made . . .
In a continuation of last week’s Bordello of Blood flashback, we learn that the gentlemanly Vampire Eric rescued Madam Pam and her Happy Whores from TWO EVIL VAMPIRES, who were literally sucking the establishment dry.
I bet you can’t guess who they were?
That’s right, it’s BEEEL and Bad Mommy Lorena.
It looks like someone’s Maker hasn’t taught her progeny much in the way of manners. Pam, of course, is extremely grateful for Eric’s heroic efforts, and responds in kind.
But even GOOD SEX comes with a price . . .
. . . and Pam has set hers in stone. She wants to be a vampire, and walk the world with Eric for all Eternity. (Wouldn’t you?)
Pam explains how getting old in her industry is a fate worse than death. Eric sympathizes, but isn’t quite ready for the commitment, or the responsibility of being someone’s Maker. It’s a title he takes VERY seriously.
So, Pam decides to take matters into her own hands . . . literally.
And the rest is vampire history . . .
Now, it’s Pam’s turn to play Maker. Will she rise to the occasion like a certain Viking Vamp?
In which Tara is a “stupid b*tch”
The episode ends with Cranky Vampire Tara heading to, where else, but a Tanning Salon, in hopes of fake baking herself to death.
How very Jersey Shore of her.
Of course, Maker Pam might have something to say about that . . .
Until next time, Fangbangers!