[Attention Werebangers! The recap for this week’s Teen Wolf episode, Party Guessed, should be up by early this evening, July 25th. Sorry for the delay!]
Greetings, Fangbangers! Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been a wee bit (OK, a LOT BIT) less prolific, of late, when it comes to recapping, and fangirling over a certain vampire-themed HBO show. Part of that has to do with time constraints and “personal issues,” which I suspect none of you give two licks about.
The other part, though, has to do with a certain recent, shall I say,”cooling off” in my love affair with True Blood?
Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a card-carrying Fangbanger. I still get all gooey over the prospect of neck nibbles, sexy glamour sessions, supernatural sex, and, let’s not forget, the always enticing-opportunity for a bare ass sighting from Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgard, and/or Joe Manganiello.
It’s just that . . . well . . . parts of this season of True Blood have been a tad . . . underwhelming.
Like, for example, that “lfrite” storyline!
I liked it better when it was on Lost and called “The Black Smoke Monster.” Every time it appears on my screen, I find myself thinking, “What the “lfrite” are the writers doing taking time away from a prospective Naked Eric Money Shot to show me this crap?
And don’t even get me started on the whole “Lafayette is possessed . . . AGAIN” thing . . .
Perhaps, the problem with this season of True Blood simply boils down to “too much of a good thing.” With so many widely varying storylines, it’s difficult, as a viewer, to become truly invested in ANY of them, let alone ALL of them.
That’s why, here at TV Recapper’s Anonymous, we’ve come up with a solution to True Blood‘s “excess pounds” problem. In short, we’ve decided to put True Blood on a character (and storyline) “diet,” by spinning off Bon Temps’ most promising supporting cast members into series of their own. What follows are five prospective True Blood spinoffs, we think could actually work . . .
Spinoff 1: Fangtasia
Starring: Kristen Bauer as Vampire Pam, Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Tara Buck as Screaming Ginger, and Jim Parrack as Goofy Fangbanging Hoyt Fortenberry (with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Alexander Skarsgard, as Viking Vampire Eric Northman)
Tagline: “Because you wanna go where no one gives a sh*t what your name is, but everyone knows your blood type.”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Let’s face it, everybody loves Pam. She’s got the perfect mixture of calculating coolness, snarky one-liners, and lethal killer instincts to carry her own series. For me, she embodies what True Blood used to be: sexy, dark, violent, funny, and FUN!
And I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially given all the flack I’ve given the Tara character over the years for being whiny and annoying, but Pam’s and Tara’s newfound progeny / maker relationship is one of the high points of this season.
A series starring these two could really explore this twisted version of the accidental mother / damaged rebellious child story, in all its hilariously angsty glory.
Plus, let’s not forget the bar, itself. True Blood has spent a lot of screen time at Merlotte’s these past few seasons. And, don’t get me wrong, that’s great! But I can’t help but feel like Fangtasia has been treated like the red-headed vampire stepchild in all this.
I want to learn more about this cool, yet, at the same time, tacky in its commercialism, fangbanging establishment. What are the other vampires like who who work there: the waiters, the bartenders, the bouncers, the “exotic dancers?” Do only tourists frequent the place, or does it cater to a certain more “regular” clientele? And, perhaps, most importantly, doesn’t Ginger ever lose her voice from all that screaming?
Spinoff 2: CSI – Bon Temps
Starring: Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur, Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse
Tagline: “Because investigating human crimes is for pussies!”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Who doesn’t enjoy a good crime procedural show? OK, I’ll admit it. I don’t . . . at least, not usually.
But think of all the really gnarly crime possibilities that might exist, when you aren’t limited to the “natural world.” Vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, lfrites, fairies, maenads . . . these are some killers, who could really f*&k you, if they’re having a bad day.
And yet, even viewing really grotesque bloody human remains week, after week, would start to lose its luster, after four of five episodes, without some really solid characters to back it up. That’s where Andy and Jason come in!
These two have the ultimate buddy cop bromance going on! Chris Bauer is perfection as the old-school jaded cop, with a secret soft spot for his rookie partner.
And as for Ryan Kwanten’s Jason, well, we all know he’s the perfect man child, one who’s never afraid to bring the funny at his own expense. He’s also not afraid to show some skin, which, of course would be a requirement for his character, at least twice each episode.
Spinoff 3: Kid Wolf
Starring: Chloe Noelle as Mini Wolf Emma Garza, a bunch of other adorable child stars, with Sam Trammell, as doting foster dad, Sam Merlotte, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Joe Manganiello, as Sam Merlotte’s (always shirtless) handyman, and Emma’s “Werewolf Advisor”
Tagline: “She’d play well with others, if she could just stop biting their heads off first . . .”
Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Up until recently, when most of us thought of True Blood the first thing that came to mind wasn’t usually “family-friendly kid show.” That was before this . . .
I mean, seriously, it’s so cute, it’s almost nauseating! I’m thinking a sitcom about a seemingly normal orphaned school girl (Yeah, I killed off Luna. Got a problem with that?) . . .
. . . who, along with her adoring stepdad, is forced tohide a “deep dark secret”: She occasionally morphs into a werewolf.
This could make seemingly “normal” little kid things, like snack time, gym class, ballet lessons, birthday parties, and Show-and-Tell time more than a bit complicated . . . but still “adorable,” of course . . .
Well . . . half of this picture is adorable.
We’re thinking a sitcom for this one . . .
Spinoff #4: A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .
Starring: Deborah Ann Woll as Vampire Jessica and a bunch of other 20-something hot actress ingenues, as as her sassy gaggle of vampire and human friends, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Ryan Kwanten as ex-boyfriend / friend-with-benefits, Jason Stackhouse, and Stephen Moyer as doting Vampire Dad, Bill Compton . . .
Tagline: Because being single can suck, whether you’re undead or not . . .
Why we think it might work as a standalone series: Since entering the True Blood character lexicon, late in Season 2, not only has Vampire Jessica become a Bon Temps’ mainstay, she’s also become a favorite among fans, both male and female.
In fact, the character has become so popular, she’s even started her own blog and video series on the perks of being a perpetually young female vampire.
The thing is, we think Vampire Jessica’s video series has the potential to be more than just a blog. And why not? It’s awesome! It’ gets hundreds of thousands of viewers each week, and tons of commenters, all of whom talk to Jessica like she’s a Real Person with Real Problems.
Now, some of you might be thinking . . .dating show = chick show = Sex and the City with Vampires = no thank you.
But I think A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating could appeal to a much wider audience. I mean, think about it, hot girls . . . hot guys . . . humor . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX . . . BITING . . . what’s not to love?
And finally . . .
Spinoff #5 – Steven Newlin, GVA (Gay Vampire American)
Starring: Michael McMillan as Steve Newlin. DUH!
Tagline: “Being a religious cult leader bites! So, now he’s coming out . . . of the coffin.”
Why we think it would work as a series: You guys remember, Steve, right? You know, that wackadoo religious cult leader, with the hot wife, who tried to shoot Jason in the head, and almost blew up Eric Northman, and all his vampire friends?
Yeah, not exactly the kind of guy you’d want to bring along to your raging keg party. Of course, that was before some wise soul decided to turn ole Steve-o into the Most Awesome Vampire Ever!
Now, the former religious nutbar is a Bill Cosby-sweater wearing, nerdy dancing, Jason Stackhouse-loving, gay ball of fun.
And I (no, not “we” this time, just “me”) want him to have a show of his very own? Got a problem with that?
I didn’t think so . . .
So, there you have it, five True Blood spinoffs I might enjoy watching more than Season Five. What would you rather watch?