Five True Blood Spinoffs I Might Enjoy Watching More than Season Five . . .

 

[Attention Werebangers!  The recap for this week’s Teen Wolf episode, Party Guessed, should be up by early this evening, July 25th.  Sorry for the delay!]

Greetings, Fangbangers!  Some of you might have noticed that I’ve been a wee bit (OK, a LOT BIT) less prolific, of late, when it comes to recapping, and fangirling over a certain vampire-themed HBO show.  Part of that has to do with time constraints and “personal issues,” which I suspect none of you give two licks about.

The other part, though, has to do with a certain recent, shall I say,”cooling off” in my love affair with True Blood?  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m still a card-carrying Fangbanger.  I still get all gooey over the prospect of neck nibbles, sexy glamour sessions, supernatural sex, and, let’s not forget,  the always enticing-opportunity for a bare ass sighting from Ryan Kwanten, Alexander Skarsgard, and/or Joe Manganiello.

It’s just that . . . well . . . parts of this season of True Blood have been a tad . . . underwhelming.

Like, for example, that “lfrite” storyline!  I liked it better when it was on Lost and called “The Black Smoke Monster.”  Every time it appears on my screen, I find myself thinking, “What the “lfrite” are the writers doing taking time away from a prospective Naked Eric Money Shot to show me this crap?

And don’t even get me started on the whole “Lafayette is possessed . . . AGAIN” thing . . .

Perhaps, the problem with this season of True Blood simply boils down to “too much of a good thing.”  With so many widely varying storylines, it’s difficult, as a viewer, to  become truly invested in ANY of them, let alone ALL of them.

That’s why, here at TV Recapper’s Anonymous, we’ve come up with a solution to True Blood‘s “excess pounds” problem.  In short, we’ve decided to put True Blood on a character (and storyline) “diet,” by spinning off Bon Temps’ most promising supporting cast members into series of their own.  What follows are five prospective True Blood spinoffs, we think could actually work . . .

Spinoff 1: Fangtasia

Starring:  Kristen Bauer as Vampire Pam, Rutina Wesley as Tara Thornton, Tara Buck as Screaming Ginger, and Jim Parrack as Goofy Fangbanging Hoyt Fortenberry (with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Alexander Skarsgard, as Viking Vampire Eric Northman)

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Tagline: “Because you wanna go where no one gives a sh*t what your name is, but everyone knows your blood type.”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series: Let’s face it, everybody loves Pam.  She’s got the perfect mixture of calculating coolness, snarky one-liners, and lethal killer instincts to carry her own series.  For me, she embodies what True Blood used to be: sexy, dark, violent, funny, and FUN!

And I can’t believe I’m saying this, especially given all the flack I’ve given the Tara character over the years for being whiny and annoying, but Pam’s and Tara’s newfound progeny / maker relationship is one of the high points of this season.

Source

A series starring these two could really explore this twisted version of the accidental mother / damaged rebellious child story, in all its hilariously angsty glory.

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Plus, let’s not forget the bar, itself.  True Blood has spent a lot of screen time at Merlotte’s these past few seasons.  And, don’t get me wrong, that’s great!  But I can’t help but feel like Fangtasia has been treated like the red-headed vampire stepchild in all this.

I want to learn more about this cool, yet, at the same time, tacky in its commercialism, fangbanging establishment.  What are the other vampires like who who work there: the waiters, the bartenders, the bouncers, the “exotic dancers?”  Do only tourists frequent the place, or does it cater to a certain more “regular” clientele?  And, perhaps, most importantly, doesn’t Ginger ever lose her voice from all that screaming?

Spinoff 2: CSI – Bon Temps

Starring: Chris Bauer as Andy Bellefleur, Ryan Kwanten as Jason Stackhouse, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Anna Paquin as Sookie Stackhouse

Tagline: “Because investigating human crimes is for pussies!”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series:  Who doesn’t enjoy a good crime procedural show?  OK, I’ll admit it.  I don’t . . . at least, not usually.

But think of all the really gnarly crime possibilities that might exist, when you aren’t limited to the “natural world.”  Vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, witches, lfrites,  fairies, maenads . . . these are some killers, who could really f*&k you, if they’re  having a bad day.

And yet, even viewing really grotesque bloody human remains week, after week, would start to lose its luster, after four of five episodes, without some really solid characters to back it up.  That’s where Andy and Jason come in!

These two have the ultimate buddy cop bromance going on!  Chris Bauer is perfection as the old-school jaded cop, with a  secret soft spot for his rookie partner.

And as for Ryan Kwanten’s Jason, well, we all know he’s the perfect man child, one who’s never afraid to bring the funny at his own expense.  He’s also not afraid to show some skin, which, of course would be a requirement for his character, at least twice each episode.

Spinoff 3: Kid Wolf

Starring: Chloe Noelle as Mini Wolf Emma Garza, a bunch of other adorable child stars, with Sam Trammell, as doting foster dad, Sam Merlotte, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Joe Manganiello, as Sam Merlotte’s (always shirtless) handyman, and Emma’s “Werewolf Advisor”

Tagline: “She’d play well with others, if she could just stop biting their heads off first . . .”

Why we think it could work as a standalone series:  Up until recently, when most of us thought of True Blood the first thing that came to mind wasn’t usually “family-friendly kid show.”  That was before this . . .

I mean, seriously, it’s so cute, it’s almost nauseating!  I’m thinking a sitcom about a seemingly normal orphaned school girl (Yeah, I killed off Luna.  Got a problem with that?) . . .

. . . who,  along with her adoring stepdad, is forced tohide a “deep dark secret”:   She occasionally morphs into a werewolf.

This could make seemingly “normal” little kid things, like snack time, gym class, ballet lessons, birthday parties, and Show-and-Tell time more than a bit complicated . . . but still “adorable,” of course . . .

Well .  . . half of this picture is adorable.

We’re thinking a sitcom for this one . . .

Spinoff #4: A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .

Starring: Deborah Ann Woll as Vampire Jessica and a bunch of other 20-something hot actress ingenues, as as her sassy gaggle of vampire and human friends, with regular Special Guest Star Appearances by Ryan Kwanten as ex-boyfriend / friend-with-benefits,  Jason Stackhouse, and Stephen Moyer as doting Vampire Dad, Bill Compton . . .

Tagline: Because being single can suck, whether you’re undead or not . . .

Why we think it might work as a standalone series: Since entering the True Blood character lexicon, late in Season 2, not only has Vampire Jessica become a Bon Temps’ mainstay, she’s also become a favorite among fans, both male and female.

In fact, the character has become so popular, she’s even started her own blog and video series on the perks of being a perpetually young female vampire.

The thing is, we think Vampire Jessica’s video series has the potential to be more than just a blog.  And why not?  It’s awesome!  It’ gets hundreds of thousands of viewers each week, and tons of commenters, all of whom talk to Jessica like she’s a Real Person with Real Problems.

Now, some of you might be thinking . . .dating show = chick show = Sex and the City with Vampires = no thank you.

But I think A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating could appeal to a much wider audience.  I mean, think about it, hot girls . . . hot guys . . . humor . . . LOTS AND LOTS OF SEX . . . BITING . . . what’s not to love?

And finally . . .

Spinoff #5 – Steven Newlin, GVA (Gay Vampire American)

Starring: Michael McMillan as Steve Newlin.  DUH!

Tagline:  “Being a religious cult leader bites!  So, now he’s coming out . . . of the coffin.”

Why we think it would work as a series:  You guys remember, Steve, right?  You know, that wackadoo religious cult leader, with the hot wife, who tried to shoot Jason in the head, and almost blew up Eric Northman, and all his vampire friends?

Yeah, not exactly the kind of guy you’d want to bring along to your raging keg party.  Of course, that was before some wise soul decided to turn ole Steve-o into the Most Awesome Vampire Ever!

Now, the former religious nutbar is a Bill Cosby-sweater wearing,  nerdy dancing, Jason Stackhouse-loving,  gay ball of fun.

And I (no, not “we” this time, just “me”) want him to have a show of his very own?  Got a problem with that?

I didn’t think so . . .

So, there you have it, five True Blood spinoffs I might enjoy watching more than Season Five.  What would you rather watch?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

13 Comments

Filed under True Blood

13 responses to “Five True Blood Spinoffs I Might Enjoy Watching More than Season Five . . .

  1. East Coast Captain

    I would definitely watch Fangtasia. And you know Tara becoming a vampire did not disappoint, in fact her relationship with Pam had been one of the highlights of the new season. It was like Caroline before she became a vampire, she was almost insufferable only when she went to the grave for the first time did she become a fan favorite.

    I might watch CSI Bon temps for the comedy aspect.

    A Vampire Girl’s Guide to Dating . . .

    Definitely because Jessica is so sexy and so adorable.

    • Hey East Coast Captain! Excellent point about Caroline. I forgot how many fans really disliked the character prior to her transformation. In fact, I remember, back when she was first turned, a few of us speculating on whether or not the actress could carry the storyline. Boy were we wrong! Candice Accola rocked it, and became a fan favorite, shortly thereafter.

      I guess the difference between Tara and Caroline, is that Tara’s been a maligned character for four seasons, whereas Caroline only was for one. But you’re right, I’m slowly warming up to Tara this season. And I feel like other fans are as well. Perhaps, all she needed was to finally be involved in a storyline that didn’t revolve around her being the victim.

  2. LG

    I am right there with you on all counts. I’m just not invested in this season — though of course I’ll still watch. I love your spinoff ideas. If I had to pick one it would be Fangtasia. Or maybe expand it to Bon Temps Nights to include Merlot’s and the fairy club.

    • Hey LG! I’m glad to hear I’m not the only one, who’s slowly but surely falling out of love with True Blood. (And this past week’s episode? With the Cheesy Laughing Smoke Monster, and the Bad CGI Graphics naked Lilith? THE WORST!) At first, I blamed myself for losing the passion I used to have for this show. But now I see the sentiment is pretty much universal. What is Alan Ball thinking?

      Oh, and I adore the idea of Bon Temps Nights (great title too). Hooligans Fairy Nightclub definitely has some unexplored potential. And back in the day, when TB was still fresh and new, the scenes from Merlottes were some of the funniest in the episode. I’m sure with the write writing staff they could be again.

  3. imaginarymen

    These are all great!! I really want a Pam Show and a Jason/Andy cop show!!

    I think maybe Vampire Fatigue has finally set in. “Twilight” is coming to an end, TVD had a very lackluster season and TB is sort of dragging limply along. Perhaps it’s just time for sexy vamps to go back to their coffins for a few years and give us all a chance to miss them ;-0

    • Hey Amy. I think you are absolutely right. By this time two years ago, the world was crawling with fangbangers (myself included) who just couldn’t get enough vampire media content . . . TV, movies, books, we glommed up all of it. Perhaps, this is just the worldwide hangover that follows any such massive media consumption. I guess the trend really has been played out, at least for the time being. But, give it some time. It will rise again! 😉

  4. Kangababy

    Great idea! I’d tune into the Fangtasia show and anything with Jessica is awesome. Like the comment above, I’m starting to feel the “Vampire Fatigue” in a big way given the awful second half of the third season of TVD, not to mention the ridiculous ending of the previous season of True Blood including the cooling off of Eric and Sookie. And it’s not really about the shipping, it’s just that I can’t get invested in some of the completely illogical story lines and inconsistent character behaviour anymore, or show writers who think that they do no wrong. A serious reality check is in order!
    Thanks for your post though and hope that the personal issues get resolved soon.

    • Thanks so much, Kangababy! You bring up a great point. Whether the subject of your show is vampires, werewolves, zombies, or killer ants, good television really comes down to interesting plots, and solid, CONSISTENT, character development. “The throw everything at the wall and see what sticks” method of show-running employed by the TB writers this season (and I guess, to a slightly lesser extent, the TVD writers) flies right in the face of those things. Too many times I’ve felt like characters on these shows are acting a certain way, and saying certain things, because the plot requires them to do so, and not because it’s organic to their personality. It’s almost as if us fans know the characters better than their writers do.

      Having been around for five years now, I’m wondering whether True Blood might just have reached it’s natural series sell-by date. Even the book series started losing it’s luster around Book 8. So, it may be time for the HBO Team to give the show one more solid season, and bow out gracefully. As for TVD, call me naive, but I still have hope that the show can turn this thing around, provided they just get back to focusing on the CHARACTERS, as opposed to the Presto Change-o Lame-o Magical Plotlines we saw so much of last season. 🙂

      Then again, maybe my everlasting love for Damon Salvatore prevents me from seeing the writing on the wall . . . 😉

  5. Serendipity

    Hey Jules!

    I know I’m late commenting, sorry. I’ve not even seen the last two episodes of TB yet…which is a sure sign that I too am losing interest in the Murder and Mayhem going down in Bon Temps, LA… (as I’m sure I told you in my last comment already).

    It kind of makes me sad. The books kept going strong for longer than 4 installments, but the way the show is going off on tangents that don’t have anything to do with the original clear storylines of season 1 (just a telepathic waitress who suddenly realises there’s more to the world and gets a little too involved), or even just Sookies’s world (as in the books) is a recipe for failure. Secondary characters should sometimes remain just that (Terry, I’m talking to you). And while I liked Lafayette in the beginning, the possession mojo stuff has grown old quite fast: he’s just no fun laffy taffy anymore, which was what made his character interesting in the first place. There’s just too much drama. Even the vampires are wilting… 😦

    So yeah, I like your idea of spin-offs. Perhaps Eric can host a travel show on the History Channel and give eyewitness comments about history’s big events as he lived them. Wouldn’t we all enjoy history a lot more 😉 I love the idea of Fangtasia having its own show, where Pam and not-involved-in-Authoritey-stuff Eric can rule the night, with occasional flashbacks to the days of Eric and Pam as the vampire version of Bonnie and Clyde – oops, sorry, that maybe more Bill and Lorena’s cup of tea 🙂 But yes, even Tara-with-fangs is quite bearable (never thought I’d say that)! I’m sure Damon would feel right at home there. Maybe we can have a crossover 😉

    On that note, I very much hope TVD gets its second breath next season. From what I hear, they seem to have understood that the witches’ mojo has to take a backseat to a character driven plot in order for a show like this to remain interesting. Then again, TVD has always held that it’s essentially about relationships (family, friends, triangles) more than about the supernatural, even if they lost their footing there for a while in season 3… Let’s hope vampire Elena will get them back on track! Because I’d be sad to see the end of Damon Salvatore, as I’m sure you would 😉

    Anyway, you are one of my favorite co-fangirls, so I really, really hope there will be other occasions for us to fangirl together!

    • Hey serendipity! Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. 🙂 Actually, the last episode of TB wasn’t terrible. 🙂 Lafayette was kind of back to his sassy self, and Pam and Tara had an intriguing moment. Eric is awesome as always, and strangely enough has become the “voice of moral reasoning” on this show. Go figure! Even Hoyt wasn’t a total asshat, for a change.

      I just feel like I’m kind of falling out of lust with the series, in general. But maybe that will change next season, if writers wise up and stick with the actually pretty awesome source material that is Book 7 of the Sookie Series. (Book 6, not so much :)). Vampire convention? Sookie saving Eric and Pam from a burning hotel, by surfing down it on a coffin? Yes please! 🙂

      And call me naive, but I actually have high hopes for Season 4 of TVD, even though that’s lost a bit of it’s luster for me as well. (I haven’t written a single blogpost or fanfic about the show all summer . . . It’s sad, really.) The spoilers about Damon going back to being badass, vampire Elena pursuing Damon, and Damon (initially) rejected Elena seemed very promising to me, indeed. I’m also interested to see how Michael Trevino will play Klaus, even if he only gets to do it for an episode or two. 🙂

      By the way, any ideas for a new Delena fanfiction, in the works? 😉

      • Serendipity

        Okay, so I’ll be watching those episodes anyways then… Well, I agree that a vampire convention would be fun to watch, but at the moment Eric/Sookie seems to be on the backburner, and the bond between Pam and Eric is broken… AB has parted with the books in so many ways. We’ll see, I guess.

        I noticed you didn’t write anything on TVD all summer (and it’s going to be a very long summer, since TVD will not pick up before 11 October). But you’re not the only one who’s lost inspiration there for a while… I did finish EA, as I promised, but my muse seems to have gone on hiatus along with the show, because I’ve not been writing for a long time. I’ve recently picked up the thread again, but I don’t even like it all that much. Still, I might post in a while and see what comes of it…

  6. Pingback: Because Vampires Don’t Have to Suck . . . – Seven (and a half) Ways to Save True Blood, Next Season | TV Recappers Anonymous

  7. Pingback: Five True Blood Spinoffs I Might Enjoy Watching More than Season ... | True Blood Pictures

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