Hello, my Pretties! Things have really been heating up lately in Rosewood, where the Ouija Boards are bloody, the mom’s are “slutty,” the dolls know everyone’s secrets, and no one seems to stay dead for very long . . .
So, break into your local loony bin, screw on your trusty decoder ring, and speak loud enough for the ugly dolls with the screw top heads to hear you, because it’s time for another Really Exciting Caper About Pastries . . . otherwise known as a “recap.” (See what I did there?)
Deputy Douchey – Bloodhound
Remember the good ole days of PLL . . . back when Mama Marin was just a lonely lady in need of love, and Deputy Douchey was sniffing around the house for a side of sex with his Murder Investigation?
Well, apparently, not much has changed since then. Mama Marin is still taking innumerable “business trips” and skirting around with “silver foxes,” who love dairy products. Meanwhile, Deputy Douchey continues to skulk around the Marin front porch, hunting for “clues.” This time around Vampire Douchey wants Hanna’s blood . . . literally.
“Invite me in, so I can drink from your pretty neck . . . er . . . I mean have sex with your mom, and take a shower in your bathroom . . . er, I mean continue to botch a three-seasons old murder investigation beyond repair . . . er, I mean . . . just let me in, blondie!”
Apparently, the Corpse Bracelet that freed Police Boy Garrett for a life of soap-on-a-rope, communal toilets, and avoiding men named Bubba, contained SOMEONE’S O-type blood . . . And we all know who has O negative type blood?
Approximately seven percent of the world’s population ? Hanna Marin. So, she must be Ali’s killer, right?
Yeah, I didn’t think so either. But then again, I never attended the Rosewood Academy for Lame Ass Cops Who Always Bark Up the Wrong Tree. I do have a theory about who’s blood is on that bracelet though. I could tell you about it, but I’d rather show you, first .. .
A few weeks back, many of us wondered why Mona randomly decided to steal Hanna’s tweezers, and use them to prick her own finger.
That’s true, Spencer. But after the folks over at ABC Family decided to rehash that ick-worthy scene in their “previously on” recap, this week, I’m thinking Mona’s penchant for self-mutilation, might be a bit more purposeful. In fact, I’m willing to bet . . . um . . .
no amount of money at all my honor as a recapper that Miss Mona also has the sort-of-rare O-negative blood type.
These two did used to share everything, after all!
Now, of course, most of us know, by now, that Mona didn’t actually kill Ali. But still it’s a little strange that a known psychopath like that wasn’t the first on Deputy Douchey’s suspect list, once Police Boy Garrett was unshackled. I guess it’s just more fun for Deputy Douchey to hang out around the Marin house than inside the Nut House, where the girls aren’t as pretty, and the bathroom towels aren’t as soft . . .
Anyway, Hanna is understandably freaked out by the whole Bloody Bracelet thing. After all, it wouldn’t be the first time the A Team has tampered with evidence to make one of the PLL’s look guilty of murder. In fact, Hanna is SO upset about the possibility of a Prison Prom, that she does the unthinkable . . . and goes to CLASS EARLY . . .
Oh, the horror!
If it looks like an Ali, and talks like an Ali, it must be . . . a Cece?
While Hanna is sitting in homeroom, undoubtedly contemplating how to convert an orange prison jumpsuit, into a stylish summer party dress, the rest of the PLL’s are getting some morning java over at what has suddenly become The Only Coffee Shop in Rosewood. (What, no Starbucks?) Upon arriving the girls hear a very familiar voice spout off a very familiar quote . . .
When the threesome confront this very Ali-like species, she claims to be all BFF with the dead chick, having spent an “intense” summer with her, back in Cape May. During that summer, Cece dated Ali’s brother (Facelift Vampire Jason) and, apparently, did little else but talk to Ali about the PLL girls, considering the seemingly encyclopedic- knowledge she has about the foursome . . .
Seriously, girlfriend knows everything from Hanna’s issues with shoplifting, to Emily’s sexual orientation, to how Emily likes her coffee. Heck, I bet she even knows Hanna’s blood type.
Everyone knows Hanna’s bloodtype. It must be published in the Rosewood Blood Type Gazette. It’s almost as if Cece is actually an older Ali from an alternate universe, in which Ali didn’t die, who has traveled back in time to prevent her own death in this timeline, only she ended up getting here about a year too late . . .
Yeah, yeah . . . I know! It’s totally not that type of show. But you have to admit, it would be pretty cool, if it was . . .
Many fans of the show immediately assumed that the mysterious Cece is part of the A-team, some fans even going as far as to pinpoint her as the Blonde Wearing the Weird Sunshine Mask in last season’s finale . . .
I don’t know. Right now, I’m leaning more toward Cece being Ali’s muse, someone she admired, and eventually became, at least in terms of her personality and mannerisms. The way I see it, “Cece Drake” was just another alter ego Ali embodied, while in Rosewood, just like Vivian Darkbloom was her alter ego outside of Rosewood . . .
You see, despite the foursome considering Ali their “friend,” I don’t think they ever REALLY knew her at all
(They don’t even know she has a crazy psycho twin sister.). Ali only let them see what she wanted them to see . . .a pretty, popular, manipulative girl, who always had an answer for anything. When deep down, I’m guessing she was someone much more troubled, complex, and “intense.”
Speaking of intense . . .
Cece Drake – Murderess of Unicorns, Torturer of The Blind . . .
You may not have killed it Cece, but you sure did get it drunk, and steal its virginity . . .
Over at the dress shop where Cece works, Maya’s
stalker / murderer “cousin” Nate has commandeered the lethally naive Emily to help her get a “nice” first-date gift for Not-Blind-Anymore Jenna. Who the heck buys first date gifts, anyway . . . especially in high school? Where I come from, if your new high school boyfriend lets you share a few of his Dollar Menu McDonald’s fries, before feeling you up in the backseat of his parent’s car, he’s considered a “good guy.”
Truth be told, if an 18-year old buys you a scarf for your first date, like the one Nate ended up buying Jenna, there’s a pretty good chance he’s either (a) gay as a rainbow float in a pride parade; or (b) planning to use it to strangle you, and string you up on the ceiling, after he’s chopped off all your limbs, and glued them together to make a coat rack . . .
Don’t even get me started on how Nate “magically” remembered the earrings Emily bought Maya mere days before her death, because he
used them them to cut out her eyeballs “saw them in a photograph.” Seriously? This guy is like American Psycho for Dummies.
Unfortunately, Emily is not exactly the sharpest tool in the Pretty Little Liars tool chest, and realizes precisely none of this.
(Understandable . . . but you should be well acquainted, by now, with what “psycho” feels like.)
Emily does, however, notice Cece totally giving her some serious f*&k me eyes, as the latter pulls her aside, and asks her why she hates the idea of Nate dating Jenna so much, when she and he clearly don’t bat for the same teams . . .
We all know Emily was seriously crushing on Ali, back in the day. So, it’s absolutely no surprise that she’d be more than a bit intrigued by the 1.o version. Anywhoo, Cece suggests that Emily be honest with Nate about what an evil wench Not Blind Jenna is. Emily actually takes that advice. But it totally backfires, when Nate finds the fact that Not Blind Jenna recently dated a suspected serial killer to be “charming” and “endearing,” as opposed to “suspicious” and “creepy.” He would, wouldn’t he?
When Emily reveals this “bad news” to Cece, during one of their late night tete-a-tetes (Hopefully, the first of many. Girlfriend is TOTALLY hilarious, in a Regina George from Mean Girls kind of way.) . . .
. . . Cece takes matters into her own hands by calling the recently-blind girl on the phone and threatening to scratch her eyes out, if she doesn’t stay away from the “sweet, mild-mannered” Nate . . .
If that line was delivered to any other blind girl, that would be totally offensive. But because it was Jenna I actually think it was kind of awesome. Plus, it was SUCH an Ali Thing to do. Emily seems to be a mixture of impressed by Cece’s moxie, and frightened by her seeming complete lack of morals / empathy, and tells her as much. But then Cece gives her a flirty nickname, and all is right between them again . . .
Sorry Paige. I think you’ve just been replaced . . . again.
Now that that’s done, let’s get that “Adult Storyline” out of the way, shall we?
Mama Montgomery is dating the guy from American Pie . . . and HE GAVE HER PASTRIES!
This week, after debating on whether to accept dating and fashion advice from her daughter, who never leaves home without a deadly weapon in her earlobe . . .
(No wonder they made her take her earrings off in the insane asylum!)
. . . Mama Montgomery heads out for a “hot date” with the same dull pastor dude, who Mama Marin was flirting with last week.
Eating ice cream in the park? That’s not a hot date. That’s a five-year old’s birthday party . . .
Fortunately, that ends early. So, she winds making a late night of it, with that dude who played little Stifler, in the straight-to-video versions of American Pie . . .
You go, ELLA! Except . . . well . . . I wouldn’t eat those pastries, if I were you. (You don’t know where they’ve been . . .)
In other news . . .
Spencer Hastings – Honors Student, Loyal Friend, Evil Genius?
I’m sure I’m not the only one, who finds it weird, that Spencer seems to have more fun cyberstalking Cece Drake, and creating a creepy database on Dead Ali than humping Abs Toby, like a “normal” teenage girl would . . .
Then again, I guess she’s kind of preoccupied with rescuing her super hot half-brother from drunken hit-and-runs, and lying about it to the cops . . .
I hate to say this, but these two have awesome chemistry, and not necessarily in a “healthy sibling” way, either.
Better amp up your game, Tobster, or you’re going to lose this one . . .
Now, that’s more like it!
Last but certainly not least . . .
It’s those damn dolls again . . .
Off with her head!
Poor Hanna. It seems like Deputy Douchey, isn’t the PRICK she has to deal with this week . . .
Apparently, someone needs to do a better job sanding their Ouiji Board. (Ouch!) Also, the Marin’s should seriously invest in a home security system. I mean this place has more unwanted guests than a subway station in a bad neighborhood, after 2 a.m.
So, yeah, this happened. And not only does it mean that the A Team is LITERALLY out for Hanna’s blood, it also means they (1) can STILL break into Hanna’s house (which they seem to do, at least once a week anyway); (2) know that Hanna put the Ouiji board marker thinky in Ali’s coffin, after she and Mona had a “sighting” of the blonde teen, shortly after playing the popular occult game.
A very freaked out Hanna decides to sneak into the nut house to visit Mona, and ask her about the whole Ouiji board thing. The only problem is that Hanna is now Persona Non Grata at the place, after THIS happened . . .
That’s where Aria comes in . . .
Now, Aria and Mona have never exactly been close. So, you can understand why the initial meeting between them is a bit . . . tense . . .
But psycho or not, on some level Mona DOES seem to have some fondness for Hanna (even if it’s fondness of the “If I can’t have her, no one can” vein). And when Hanna sneaks into the hospital later, Mona is decidedly more cooperative. First, she reminds Hanna of a little code the two of them made up together, on that fateful day, when Ali’s dad freaked out on poor Hanna for giving the Dilaurentis’ false hope about their daughter being alive . . .
I imagine, when former Mean Girl Hanna first heard about this code, she assumed it would be a fun way to bully those less popular than herself. But, as it turns out, Mona has bigger plans for her Slut Code. We find this out when she rushes off to a freaky children’s ward in the sanitarium . . . I imagine this is where they put all the creepy kids from horror movies, like that chick from The Ring . . . and that kid from The Sixth Sense . . . and the Children of the Corn (once they get out of “the corn” that is) . . .
Anywhoo, Janel Parrish, who plays Mona is positively brilliant in this impressively complex scene, in which she embodies the dual role of a psychotic murmuring nonsensical nursery rhymes, while compulsively brushing a dolls hair, and a genius mastermind, who is seemingly performing A’s bidding, while, at the same time, secretly cluing in an old friend to some Very Important Information . . .
Upon arriving home from the Nut House, Hanna and the rest of the girls put together the code Maya provided for them. As it turns out, Mona’s “Where were we . . .” statement, apparently provides the address for a website with Maya’s photograph on it. http://www.masssugar.com. And though the girls still hadn’t cracked it’s password, by the end of the episode, many fans have suggested that Mona’s final statement prior to leaving the children’s ward: “Please wait, I miss my dolls,” states the answer to that riddle plainly:
As for the ward being “not safe” . . . well, we now know, based on the last scene of the episode,that the dolls in the children’s ward were bugged with recorders. And Mona likely led Aria and Hanna there, under the Malevolent A Team’s instructions to catch them making incriminating statements that could be used to pin Ali’s murder on them.
But what about “Maya Knew?” What exactly did she know, and could that information possibly have gotten her killed?
I guess we’ll have to wait until next week to find out . . .
Until then, My Pretties!