Greetings, Fangbangers! And welcome to the End of the World!
The Heroes have failed. The Bad Guys have won. And the Apocalypse is imminent.
Now, there’s nothing left to do, but wait until the Gates to the Other Side open, and Evil swallows us whole . . .
Still waiting . . .
Any minute now . . .
It’s coming . . .really . . . I promise . . .
Did I say the Apocalypse was NOW? I meant NEXT WEEK!
This week on The Vampire Diaries, Silas WINS . . .
Elena gets a haircut. . .
And an ill timed commercial break deprives us of Rooftop Sex . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[This weeks screencaps are brought to you by screencapped.net.]
Bloody Big Apple
It’s 1977 in New York City. Disco isn’t dead yet. Bell bottoms are still cool. And there’s a Dead Guy lying in the street.
Or is there?
*slurp, slurp . . .*
That’s right, boys and girls. Different decade. Same old vampire tricks . . .
And yet, with generous amounts of guyliner, and a couple clever pop culture references (Son of Giusseppe, anyone?), Damon Salvatore manages to make what could have been a tired scene seem somehow fresh . . . not to mention way funnier than a double homicide has any right to be. Because, he’s just cool like that.
Also, kudos to the music department for getting the rights to Talking Heads “Psycho Killer.” When it comes to matching a song to a scene, it really doesn’t get much more perfect than this . . .
Of course, my favorite TVD Musical Moment will ALWAYS remain Damon’s dance with Vicki in Season 1 to Depeche Mode’s “Enjoy the Silence.”
But this one came a close second. What’s YOUR favorite TVD Musical Moment?
A Silas Hunting We Will Go
When Stefan finds out Silas has been skulking around Mystic Falls, and draining the hospital blood supply, he immediately calls his ex-boyfriend Klaus for help.
This, of course, totally pisses off Stefan’s New Girl Friday, Caroline.
Did I say pisses her off, I mean secretly thrills her in a Sexual Way . . .
Such is the curse of the Good Girl, who longs for the Bad Boy, but hates herself for it . . .
And when it comes to Bad Boys, Klaus pretty much takes the cake, in Caroline’s life. After all, this IS the guy who killed her boyfriend’s mother and her best friend’s
Useless Aunt, banished her boyfriend to the Great Beyond, and was responsible for almost poisoning Caroline, herself, to death with werewolf venom . . . twice.
But he draws her ponies, and triangles on a map. And he buys her expensive things. (DREAMY!)
Did I mention he has an accent?
That’s right, Klaroline fans. Though, when it comes to snagging Caroline, up to this point, Klaus has had about as much game, as Charlie Brown on a football field . . .
. . . he definitely made some headway into her heart, this week . . .
from the group geometry lesson . . . to the Walk in the Woods . . .
. . . to the come hither stares the pair were giving one another throughout the episode . . .
Something is definitely brewing here, Sports Fans. And then Klaus did the one thing that is sure to send Caroline zooming right into his Dr. Evil Underoos . . .
He REJECTED HER!
But I’m getting ahead of myself, here. For now, all you need to know is that our Blonde Vampire Trio has located Silas Bushyhead, by finding on a map, the two places where he is most likely to perform his next massacre . . .
The plot . . . it’s thickening . . .
A New York Sh*tty Flashback
This one time . . . at Band Camp . . . I turned off my humanity, and started eating everyone in New York . . .
So begins, Damon’s Bedtime Story to Elena.
And of course, every Bedtime Story has to have a Fairy Godmother . . .
Good ole, Lexie! Talk about a Girl with Bad Boy Complex. This reoccurring vampiress never met a Humanity Free Salvatore she didn’t want to fix.
But while “therapy” for Stefan involved tying him to a chair for months on end, and draining him dry, her methods of curing Damon were a bit more . . . unorthodox.
Honestly, who could blame Damon for not wanting to restart that pesky humanity switch? From the sexy neck shares, to the long nights spent drinking and dancing, this flashback read more like The Perks of Being a Vampire II: Electric Boogaloo than any sort of cautionary tale against bad vamp behavior!
And when Damon started fixing those Puppy Dog Eye Things in Lexie’s direction, and stroking her ego (among other lady parts), by claiming his love for her CURED HIM OF EVIL, I knew instantly he was full of crap. (Even the most casual TVD fan knows that Damon Salvatore was a one-woman vamp for about 145 years, and that woman was sure as hell NOT LEXIE.)
But still, like the Most Gullible Vampire Ever, I found myself eagerly awaiting the start of some good, old fashioned humanity free Damon Sex . . .
And then those bastards cut to commercial!
Oh the humanity!
Seriously, since when did the CW become PBS! They skipped over the night, and went straight to MORNING?! COME ON! Even ABC Family gives us Naked Foreplay!
Anywhoo, I guess it isn’t supposed to matter, because the whole Seduction Thing was all just a scheme on Damon’s part to get Lexie locked up on the roof, without her sunscreen ring, so he could ditch her self-righteous ass.
But still . . . a little skin would have been nice . . . just sayin’
Feeding Family Style
Back in the present day, Damon’s gabbing on the phone with Stefan, who’s back in Mystic Falls, while Elena is busy getting the FASTEST Hair Color / Cut EVER. (Maybe the hairdresser is a vampire too?)
STEFAN: “Previously, on The Vampire Diaries . . .”
DAMON: “Seriously, isn’t this supposed to be Elena’s job? I don’t want to have to listen to this. What, just because she has her humanity turned off, she gets a free pass on in-script recapping? I’m contacting SAG!”
I like Elena’s new look . . . I do. And in general, I enjoyed Nina Dobrev’s new take on humanity-free Elena this week. She just seemed less robotic, and more mischievous . . . She seemed like she was actually having a good time being bad, for a change.
My one gripe? This Elena seems a lot less like Humanity Free Elena, and more like . . . Regular Katherine, even down to the bigger hair, and more stylish clothes. I have a feeling that this is going to make next week, when the two start sharing the screen again VERY CONFUSING.
But I digress, it turns out that Damon has some ulterior motives for his little Humanity Vacation Road Trip. You guys remember Will from last week?
Well, apparently, he was well known in New York City vampire circles as a Fake ID maker . . . or rather, a Real ID taker, who gave dead people’s ID’s to vampires on the run . . . And I bet you will never guess who Will’s favorite client was . . .
Ding! Ding! Ding! Katherine Petrova, that’s right!
So, Damon’s Master Plan is to hunt down Katherine, swipe The Cure from her fingertips, and shove it down Elena’s throat, along with her morning Blood Breakfast. Sounds easy, right?
The only problem is that Elena’s on to his little scheme, and has some plans of her own for The Cure . . . plans that involve it being given to her Brand New Bestie, instead . . . Rebekah.
Woah! Who ever thought that these two sworn enemies would end up partying together, and drinking from the same neck . . . literally?
Apparently, Damon’s little pep talk to Rebekah, last week, about humans being boring, failed to convince the Original She-Vamp that her future shouldn’t be paved with mortality, and a bevy of Klaus Barbie Babies . . .
Now, I know this makes me a total traitor, but I kind of like the idea of a Human Rebekah. She wants it more than anyone else. Why shouldn’t she get it?
And while I’m still quite positive that this storyline is going to end with the cure inadvertently being shoved down Damon’s throat, I have to admit that I’m with Team Elenbekah on this one . . .
So, to review, Damon is playing Elena. Elena is playing Damon. And Rebekah is definitely NOT playing with This Guy . . .
Now, that we know the Teams, we can start keeping score!
Damon, thanks to Stefan’s uncanny ability to remember all his ex-girlfriend’s birthdays, finds a paper in Will’s apartment, listing all of Katherine’s known addresses. (Score 1 for Damon).
Then, Elena seductively brings him on the roof, for what Damon thinks will be some Lexie-inspired nookie, but is actually a game of Back-Pocket snatch and grab (Score 1 for Elena, Score -25 for Delena fans hoping for a little rooftop action from their favorite lovebirds).
But Damon catches on to Elena’s scheme, and pries the paper back from her greedy little hands. (Score 2 for Damon, 1 for Elena).
Then, Rebekah pops up, seemingly out of nowhere, and breaks Damon’s neck!! (Score 69 for Rebekah, Score 2 for Elena, and Score -25 for the temporarily dead Damon).
In the final round, Rebekah, and Elena head off in Damon’s car, with his precious address list, while Damon naps off his death on the rooftop of that seedy New York bar.
(Score 169 for Rebekah and Elena, Score -125 for Snoozing Damon, and Score 1,025 for Lexie, who, somewhere up in Vampire Purgatory, just got the best Poetic Justice of her unnaturally long life . . .)
Talk about Vampire Girl Power!
Binge and Purge – Wiccan Style
“Hey, I just met you. And now you’re crazy . . .”
“So I’ll call all my witch friends . . .”
“And kill you, maybe?”
Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Silas Bushyhead is still Svengali-ing Bonnie into murdering 12 people, who P.S., just so happen to have to be witches.
Way to not support the Sisterhood of the Traveling Nosebleeds, BonBon!
Silas Bushyhead’s plan really sets into motion, when Bonnie goes all Stephen King’s Carrie on the windows in her dad’s house.
So dad does what any rational father would do in this situation . . . sends his daughter off in the woods to meet with his vampire ex-wife’s crazy witch friend, and her 11 teen minions?
Is Ridiculously Bad Parenting contagious? Because it definitely seems like an epidemic in Mystic Falls.
As much as I abhor me some Bonnie, even I have to admit the Witch Exorcism scene was pretty nifty, with Bonnie adding white eyeballs to her usual repertoire of Bleeding from the Nose and Whining . . .
Then, Stefan . . . bless his heart, pops on the scene, and says, “WAIT! Stop the exorcism, Bonnie’s working for SILAS!”
To which, The Witch, replies . . . “Eh, no biggie! We’ll just kill Bonnie. We were half way there, anyway . . .”
(Sounds like a plan to me!)
Of course, Stefan’s lame attempt at rescue ended up playing right into Bushyhead’s plans. Because, minutes later, Caroline KILLS the head witch . . .
. . . and all the others immediately fall dead, domino-style (which was also pretty unintentionally hilarious to watch).
And so, the Apocalypse has finally come to Mystic Falls . . .maybe.
Klaus, who earlier in the day gave Caroline a geometry lesson about equilateral Expression Triangles, now gives her another one, about how killing TWELVE witches, and OPENING THE GATES OF HELL, to save one REALLY annoying one, isn’t exactly a fair trade in the scheme of Good versus Evil.
Caroline is SAD. Caroline is VULNERABLE. Caroline wants comfort. In other words, Klaus is SO IN . . .
. . . which is probably why he rejects her ass . . .
Congratulations Charlie Brown Klaus. It looks like you finally got that football, away from Lucy, after all!
P.S. It turns out Bonnie has amnesia about her entire Bring It On: Apocalypse Mini Series.
This means, she has to learn about JerBear’s death ALL OVER AGAIN. Might I suggest waiting until Season 4 of TVD comes out on Blue Ray . . .
Bushwack . . . ing off?
Then Bushyhead Silas has to come and totally harsh Klaus’ buzz, by rubbing it in about the whole Apocalypse Thing, and staking his ass . . .
Next week on TVD . . . did I hear someone say, Doppelganger Hijinx?
Oh, and what the heck is up with Dog-on-a-Leash Klaus, and . . . is that Silas!Caroline?
Color me intrigued . . . until next time, Fangbangers!