She’s a Killer Queen – A She-cap of Game of Thrones “And Now His Watch Has Ended”

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Considering that the show is (1) fantasy (i.e. a notoriously male-centric genre) . . .

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“My precious . . . peni$”

(2) takes place in the Middle Ages (a time when women were treated no better than the chamber pots they had to pee in); and

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(3) it’s based on a book series written by a guy who looks like a plus-sized version of Gandalf from Lord of the Rings . . .

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age may

. . . the fact that Game of Thrones is so emblematic of female empowerment is pretty darn remarkable!

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I mean, sure, the critically acclaimed HBO series definitely has its share of dirty-faced, grunting, sword-wielding, strong men, and power-hungry, Iron-Throne squatting, politicians.

throne mine

Yet, it’s also jam-packed with a bevy of exceptionally strong female characters, each of whom derive their strength from distinctly unique sources.  And, perhaps, no single episode of the series better exemplifies this than Sunday night’s epic hour, appropriately entitled “And Now His Watch Has Ended.”  Whether it be with  a strong moral code like Brienne, courage like Arya,  wit and cunning like Lady Olenna, charm like Margaery, resilience like Sansa, or a fire breathing, ass-kicking dragon like Daenerys, the women of Westeros were the clear winners of the Battle of the Sexes in this week’s Game of Thrones.

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Let’s review, shall we?

The Tell-tale Feather Bed

For a sex-free episode, “And Now His Watch Has Ended” sure did feature a lot of Weiner Talk . . . starting with Don Juan Podrick.  It appears the Lannister household is still scratching its head as to how the tubby, awkward, and heretofore virginal teen ended up being such a Lion in the sack that not a single Lady of the Night was willing to charge him for their services.

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damon eternal stud

It’s always the quiet ones, isn’t it?

To be honest, apart from comic relief, I’m not really sure where the writers are going with this storyline relating to Podrick’s prowess.  It definitely wasn’t in the books.  Perhaps, BIG POD will inspire Littlefinger to expand his “little side business” to include the Very First Male Escort Service . . . a sort of Magic Mike: Westeros Edition.

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In other Weiner News, we finally learned the horrible story as to how Varys, a.k.a. the Spider lost his.  Turns out some crack magician chopped it off to use in some spell / magic trick. You know, kind of like pulling a rabbit out of a hat .  . . except, without the rabbit.  But it turns out, the last laugh was for Spider, who keeps the magician in a box underneath his bed, where he pokes him with a stick every once in a while, just for sh*ts and giggles.  Talk about having skeletons in your closet . . .

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Speaking of skeletons in closets, Ros clues Spider in to one about Littlefinger that may prove to be quite valuable indeed to the intrepid Eunuch.  (Ros actually reminds me a bit of Joan from Mad Men, in that she seems to know everything about everybody, and is clearly much smarter than anyone will give her credit for being.)

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dig out

joan

As it turns out, Littlefinger will not be taking his Fantastic Voyage to wed Lady Arryn alone.  He’s ordered a second feather bed for his ship.  This means that either Littlefinger is planning on spiriting young Sansa Stark away with him, or . . . he just really likes feather beds . . .

Presuming the former, Spiderman pays a visit to the positively hilarious (and not just because she wears a funny hat) Lady Olenna.

After “charming” Spider with an obligatory “You have no balls” joke . . .

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. . . Lady Olenna gets right down to “brass tacks,” as the saying goes.  “How can YOU help me, Strange Bald Man?” She wonders.

He then tells her what he knows.  And so it was decided.  The “not particularly-interesting-but-has-an-interesting-life” Sansa Stark will marry into the Tyrell family.

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Upon hearing the news from Margaery Tyrell later that day, Sansa nearly weeps with joy.  So, what if Loras Tyrell is obviously gay.  So what if she’ll never be Queen.  Sansa has had a more hellish childhood than most could have dreamed.  She watched her father be beheaded, and labeled as a traitor.  She was tormented by her sociopath would-be husband.  She was given the title of Queen, only to have it ripped from her fingertips.  And Sansa endured all of it quietly and bravely.

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She may not be outspoken and hard-edged like her younger sister, or charmingly cunning like Margaery Tyrell.  But Sansa Stark is a survivor.  And if my money is on any of these women to make it out of this series alive, it’s her . . .

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The Bravest Among Us

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You would think that one of the few benefits of having an ugly mug like Hounds would be that you’d never have to worry about being mistaken for somebody else.  And yet, that’s exactly what happens to the not-so-gentle giant, who gets captured by the Brothers without Banners and charged with his brother’s crimes.  When the Hound patiently points out the Banner Boys honest mistake, they are about to let him go, with a pat on the back and an apology.  But then Arya reminds Hound that he IS in fact the TRUE murderer of her young friend the Miller’s son, who he killed, back in Season 1.

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BAD DOG!

Sentenced to a Trial By Combat, the Hound snickeringly wonders whether Arya will be the one to fight him.  “Is a girl the bravest among you?” She asks.

“She may be,” admits the leader of the Brothers without Banners.  “But you will be fighting me.”

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RUH-ROH Hound! Maybe next time you’ll think twice before murdering Arya’s buddies . . .

Wrapped Around her Little Finger (Not to be confused with Littlefinger . . .)

There’s something both captivating and creepy about scenes between Joffrey and Margaery.  On one hand, it’s extremely satisfying to see the mostly unfeeling, and clearly sociopathic, Joffrey in such a vulnerable position.

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Margaery is manipulating him expertly.  And Joffrey is just blindly following her every whim, like an obedient puppy dog.

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On the other hand, Joffrey is so ridiculously young, that even the hint of any sort of romantic entanglement between him and the actress who plays Margaery is  a bit disturbing.

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Fortunately, I’m pretty sure romance with Joffrey is the last thing on Margaery’s mind, especially when she’s having so much fun making Joffrey look like a total tool.  Check out the look of sublime glee on Margaery’s face, when she gets Joffrey to dumbly wave to his so-called adoring populace, when it’s quite obviously Margaery herself for whom their cheering.  The arrogant douchenozzle doesn’t have a clue he’s being made the but of a joke.  And yet his mother Cersei, no stranger to the art of male manipulation herself, is all too aware of what’s going on . . .

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Don’t Cry Over Spilled Hand

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Jamie Lannister is having a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day.  First he loses his hand . . . his favorite hand . . . the one with which he jerks off wields his sword.  This was the hand that famously slew the Mad King.  Then, he gets beaten up repeatedly by his captors, falls off his horse, and literally spends a good portion of the episode with his face stuffed in what looks like mud, but might very well be poo . . .

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To make matters worse, Jamie can no longer applaud for himself!

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No wonder he’s depressed!  No wonder he’s seemingly lost his appetite, and his will to live.  But Brienne of Tarth is not about to let our anti-hero give up hope.  Not when he has just performed the surprisingly chivalrous deed of preserving her chastity, and preventing from a massive raping . . . all by weaving a deliciously creative lie about her supposedly wealthy origins.

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Brienne gives our hero the will to live through a little bit of tough love.

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OK . . . so it’s a little bit sexist.  Odd that Brienne has to degrade her own sex to bolster the morale of her former captive.  But the sentiment, and her heart, is in the right place.  Brienne reminds Jamie that the only way to defeat ones enemies is survive them.  And the only way to deal with loss and handicap is to not allow it to define you.  These are the credos by which Brienne, herself, leads her life.   And Jamie can undoubtedly learn a lot from her . . .

Deja-Screwed

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It’s hard to feel bad for Theon Greyjoy, after he butchered and burned those two anonymous orphans, and then literally bit the hand that fed him, by burning and pillaging Winterfell, his former childhood home.  But if not necessarily redeemable, even the slimiest of villains can be pitied.  And Theon was certainly pitiable, when he admitted to his supposed friend and savior this about the late Eddard Stark . . .

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And then his so-called friend, who had only just recently rescued him from the stocks, ended up bringing him right back into captivity.  And now Theon is in stocks again . . . the same stocks.  Seems like a whole lotta work and trouble just for a cruel joke, don’t you think?

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Mutiny in the Pig Pen

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Samwell Tarly is a bit like the Pillsbury Doughboy . . .

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He’s just so adorably clueless, you can’t help but want to pinch his cheeks and poke his belly . . . especially when he tries to give the girl he likes a thimble, despite the fact that she’s on the verge of potentially having her newborn baby sacrificed to those zombie thingies outside her tent, and is in no mood for Doughboy Romance.

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Things haven’t been going all that well for Tarly and the Nights Watch, ever since the White Walkers ravaged their crew. And they ended up holed up with that douchebag Craester and his 50 or so daughter/ wives, mucking pig poop from pens.

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That is until one of them stages a mutiny, and all hell breaks loose . . .  Samwell, of course, is smart enough to know when to stay out of a fight he can’t win.  And when his fellow Night’s Watchmen start stabbing the crap out of Craester and his men, the Doughboy wisely makes a run with it, along with his new girlfriend, her baby, and, of course, his trusty thimble.  . .

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Of course, the Piece de Resistance of the episode came in it’s last few moments . . .

DRAGONS ARE NOT SLAVES!

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Last week on Game of Thrones, we saw Dany be mercilessly teased and insulted by the leader of Astapor, to whom she seemingly reluctantly offered up one of her beloved dragons, in exchange for his mighty slave army.

where-are-my-dragons

So, of course, you could imagine the wanker’s surprise, when the morning of the exchange arrives, and she reveals to him that she’s spoken his language all along.  Therefore, she has been very well aware of all the crap he’s been saying about her behind her back.

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And she does give the Asshat her trusty dragon, as promised.  Of course, dragons are not so freely given . . .

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There’s an important lesson to be learned here.  When you play with fire, you end up getting burned.  When you play with dragons, you end up a Roasted Weenie . . .

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Consistently underestimated by the men around her, due to her youthful face, soft voice, and delicate looks, Daenerys showed cunning, strength, intelligence, and a generalized ability to kick ass, when she had her baby burn that mother f*&ker to the ground, while encouraging her new army to lay siege to the formerly great city of Astapor.

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clap for bonus

But Daenerys has something many of the other battlers for the Iron Throne lack, HEART.  Not long ago, she won the loyalty and service of the Dothraki people through her undying devotion to her husband, and her miraculous ability to literally walk through fire, and come out bearing dragons on her back.  Now, Daenerys has once again earned the loyalty of a formerly enemy people.  And she’s done this by benevolently breaking the chains of their slavery, and asking them to fight at her side, based on free will alone.

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It was a bold and risky gambit she made here . . . riskier even than her actions with Dracarys, because at least she knew how her dragon would react.  Daenerys knew nothing of the men she just purchased.  For all she knew, they could have staged a mutiny and ran off to salvage their burning city.  Or worse, they could have killed her and her men.  But Daenerys believed that, by giving these men respect, and treating them as soldiers as opposed to slaves, she would win their loyalty and their strength.  And she was correct in that assumption.

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As Daenerys and her new army march into the sunset together, in the final moments of the episode, the Iron Throne seems hers for the taking.  His Watch may have ended.  But Hers is most certainly just beginning . . .

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3 Comments

Filed under Game of Thrones

3 responses to “She’s a Killer Queen – A She-cap of Game of Thrones “And Now His Watch Has Ended”

  1. Andre

    I knew this particular episode would make you recap, ups she-cap 😉
    And while I cannot comment yet, since I haven’t seen all of the episode just Danaerys’ storyline, I had to show you this:

    (albeit it’s a bit mashed up since Tywin is not king, at least not officially)

    But then again:

    Of course it all seems to depend on the view point:

    And one thing before I stop (for now 😉 )
    A history teacher I know via Deviantart stated this:
    No spoilers, but I will say this: if it were ANY other series, that episode would be a season finale, not just episode 4.

    I am sure you would agree.

  2. East Coast Captain

    I have to say this was one badass episode, woot! I loved how the entire time Dani spoke Valirian, she got that slavemaster good. Badass ending, I have to say woman power!
    Jewls hurry up and review the latest TVD episode, it was great and a shocker.

  3. Andre

    Well due to time I am not able to watch Game of Thrones more often than every two weeks so I usually see two episodes at a time. I actually saw episode 3 and 4 on Wednesday and I knew you would be hooked to episode four.
    And while I have to wait for these episodes, the waiting is worth it so far.

    That said, I think your recap was well done but a few things seemed odd to me, but let me explain while commenting step for step.

    By the way I found a few more html codes and want to experiment a bit with them here to see how they work, so don’t be confused should my comment look a bit weird sometimes.

    Before I start, you are gonna love this:

    The episode

    This episode showed that you can make money (let’s face it in the end that is what counts in the industry) and do a good job when you actually care about what you are doing instead of milking the cash cow like so many other TV and book series do (including the show that must not be named, worse enough that I had to see the gifs). And if anybody doubts how much they devote themselves then look at this scene and keep in mind that the actress playing Arya is right-handed:

    Feminism
    Now I agree, considered the genre of this show and the time it was based on it was quite surprising that not only do these women have their big show this episode they also do it completely without magic or any sort of superpower. I mean as cool as stuff like this looks, without it these women would not be able to do anything:

    Now what I think is also good about our women here is that it is clear that they are not lesbians in any way. Before anyone says anything, let me explain: I understand if people like Draq Kings and Queens tackle gender stereotypes with their dresses, however in the average mind these kings and queens are gay men and women, which they are not exclusively:

    And you can have success as a faux queen:

    But back to the show, they did a good job. When straight women do this sort of thing the message is clearer because with gay women there is still this idea that they are not truly women but rather men in womens’ bodies.
    Sadly something that makes many people think that gay men and women rather want to be members of the opposite sex. And as good as the film Transamerica was, there is this element that the male to female trans is into men and thereby could be considered a gay men before all of this:

    This movie I think tackles it better, but it is not an international one so sadly probably not that well known:

    For those of you who haven’t guesses, Lukas (the light brown haired guy) is a female to male trans and is into that dark haired stud Fabio. Actually the film itself states that one thing has nothing to do with the other.

    And let’s face it even when women are shown as physically strong in mainstream shows and films (which is the sort that most people get to see simply because they are more easily available) they are still usually skinny and suck at fighting, even when they have superpowers. Like here:

    Or in the show that must not be named:

    This was just so bad, just like the rest of the show that must not be named. By the way, this scene was also an example on how “feminism” in a scene is just disguised misogynist talk, but more to that later.

    Anyway seeing Brienne use her physical strength, not just in episode 2 but also in this one is really a highlight in all this sexist crap you have to see in fantasy and “romance”.
    Of course there is the other stuff, Arya’s tomboy attitude and Daenarys showing how much she has grown. Actual character development and not simple one needy dumbass in distress after another.

    Podrick the prodigy

    Maybe the scene with Podrick and his skills in bed has something, but I think it was probably a comic relief of some sort and maybe a sort of way of showing that in this show with all this drama and war there are some everyday surprises that can still temporarily force themselves into the foreground. I mean it was apparently sensational enough for Rose to report it to Varys.
    But apart from that I doubt that it will go anywhere. I mean having a male escort service that includes sex in a universe so patriarchal as this… very unlikely, not in Westeros or across the Narrow Sea. Should the universe have some female dominated societies where the line is following the female line then they could have it no doubt, but not in Westeros.

    Varys’s lost cock, the Ros and the Rose

    Actually Varys did not have the magician under his bed, but had him just delivered, a sign of how powerful Varys has become and I do wonder whether he sees Tyrion as some sort of apprentice. I mean currently he has nothing to gain from helping Tyrion, so why do it? Why risk it?
    Now the scene of course was typical for the show in reminding us that magic is actually existing, but that it is neither cheap nor easy to see. I do wonder what that voice was. The fire element speaks for the Lord of Light, but was that him?

    And one thing I could not quite make out:
    Was the sorcerer’s mouth sewn shut?

    You know that Ros knows how to read makes me wonder of her origin. You know so far it is nearly as mysterious as that of Shae, so when did she learn that? Does she have an eidetic memory?
    And since speaking of that, why is Littlefinger so keen on taking Sansa with him? To make Katherine happy? I doubt it. Or does he plan to marry her since he could not get her mother? Possible after all.
    And I found this video:

    And isn’t Littlefinger now the Lord of Harrenhall? If yes, will he soon die?

    Oh yeah Lady Olenna… sometimes she reminds me of Tywin’s reactions in the second season. You know how he sounded annoyed so often.
    She did it here when she lamented about her sigil and words. But I think she underestimates that. A rose is often underestimated because it is pretty, but its thorns are sharp and they can keep stuck in your flesh. That is not something to be trifled with. But anyway, her no balls was really great and either Varys was once again a good actor or he was genuinely surprised about this woman.

    I also like how she once again pointed out that no matter how much Ned Stark was admired, still no one stood up and defended him. That happened many times in Westeros as it seems:

    Who knows what else will happen.

    And what do the Tyrell’s want with Sansa? Do they want the North? Do they feel piety? What is it? Of course in this show speculating makes sense and is fun since the show is deep and does not simply pretend to be.

    As for Sansa… Yeah she seems to have some fortitude, but to be honest I don’t think she has done much so far to better her situation. I mean she could have run off with the Hound, but she didn’t. So far her chances are solely provided by others.

    The Lord of Light and the Hound
    Watch the scene again:

    The brotherhood did not mistake the Hound for his brother, they “simply” thought that he was at King’s landing when the city was sacked back in Robert’s Rebellion. Also it was not the Miller’s son as you stated, but the butcher’s boy whose name was Micah.

    And now this Lord of Light… You know remember Mellisandre’s speech to Davros about an apple being half rotten being still rotten? By that standard the Lord of Light and his followers seem pretty rotten as well don’t they?

    The First Lady and her sociopath
    Belief it or not but there are actually people who think Joffrey was sexy in the scene when he had Sansa beaten, sick people. But hey I guess you should not be surprised considered that this is exactly what the show that must not be named is built on: having murderers, liars and all around sociopaths be love interests.

    Thankfully not Game of Thrones. When Joffrey is so eager about telling Margaery how the many Targaryan’s died you really have to wonder whether he has a hard on and partially you see that Margaery is playing an act.
    Margaery is obviously playing the card that Joffrey is even less streetsmart than Sansa is. Apparently his mother cuddled him way too much and combined with the fact that no one is truly allowed to speak out against him he never seemed to have learned how to tell when he is manipulated.
    He seemed to have a slight inkling when the crowd cheered for Margaery (his name come up a few times as well) or maybe that was only his own clumsiness with such situations since he seems to be used to the residence of the castle. I do wonder how it will be if he and Tywin clash, I mean Tyrion seemed to have more sway over Joffrey than his mother had, so I wonder what Tywin will do.
    And isn’t it astounding how fast it is forgotten that probably many people tried to kill him a few months ago?

    By the way, what happened to that ripped apart priest back in season 2? Was he eaten?

    On the other hand, Joffrey is so ridiculously young, that even the hint of any sort of romantic entanglement between him and the actress who plays Margaery is a bit disturbing.
    Which is why the show makes clear that Margaery is not romantically interested in him. Luckily, we have enough assholes portrayed as love interests.

    I do wonder though why Cersei was so panic stricken.

    And one thing:

    In the scene, high above them, what are these things flying? Flying foxes or sea birds? Since you know the books, perhaps you know.

    The hand and the assholes
    The whole stuff with Jamie and his tormentors made me wonder what sort of people that Bolton and his men are. I mean raping, torturing and all. What is the point of it? If that stuff Jamie drank was really horsepiss Bolton must have collected it himself or let someone else do it, so why do all that stuff? Why so much trouble, why not simply beat Jamie? Together with Theon’s fate that is one of the mysteries right now.

    And apparently Bolton is not that well versed if he could not tell that Jamie was lying. I mean there are surely several noble houses but are there that many?

    I think it’s rather odd that you regard Brienne’s little “degrading of her own sex” as odd but had no problem with copy-Bella’s misogyny from the show that must not be named. In Brienne’s case it makes sense because it is a) a language Jamie would understand and b) considered that Brienne probably never saw another fighting woman in her life she obviously associates weakness with being “a woman.” Copy-Bella however had seen plenty of females with high physical strength and still she spits out this shit about her own gender. So the actual odd, albeit typical for the show, thing is the degrading of the female sex in the show that must not be named. They try to beat their sexism by degrading their sex instead of saying things like Danaerys did in episode 3. Although I can see the roots for misandry in that as well, I think it works better than saying stuff like “You fight like a girl”, especially since Danaerys is considered one of the good guys and therefore her words count more. That is also what GoT did right, they have non-normative women among the good people and not the bad and ambiguous ones, because by that you show that being non-normative can be good instead of suggesting that it is bad like so many shows and films do.

    The confession and the sadist

    Sorry but Theon is not a simple villain, considered how much stock you seem to put into the murderers of the show that must not be named, it is odd that you consider Theon as a slimy villain.
    Was it wrong what he did? Yes. Was it villainous? No. It is pretty obvious but Theon thought he was something he was not and bit more off than he can chew (the whole combination of being a captive in a golden cage, being born a Greyjoy and dealing with Ironborn marauders when he had been away for 9 years) and now all the bile comes up inside his head. Is he redeemable… maybe, will he be… I don’t know. But the show does portray this sort of things how it is, it shows them with actual layers and not as two-dimensional caricatures that only idiots consider deep. Speaking of that at the end of this comment there will be some extra stuff regarding a book series you very like and brace yourself.

    Now what was it with that captor? There seems to be some grudge between him and the other captors, but what? And apparently the guy took glee, much glee, in it all and yes it seems to be pretty much. Do you know who that guy is? Was he on orders?

    By the way I never thought Theon would be getting away. I knew it would not be that easy.

    The swine, the ass and the slaughter

    So we had another uprising and slaughter… well considered what sort of men the Nightswatch is made off I guess that is to be expected.
    Sadly Mormond is dead and betrayed but he was badass enough to seriously try and nearly succeeding to murder his killer, no wonder his son is so tough, they must be descended from Superman. Of course they are not as dump as Superman and man enough, or better adult enough, not to wear the slip above the tights.

    But how do Sam and his “girlfriend” survive the walk to the wall?

    And you know how I knew something would be up? Because Ghost refused to enter the camp, one of the little hints of the show.

    Who is the dragon here?

    I never thought Danaerys would sell one of her dragons, but I did not expect her to suddenly know Valeryan fully and slaughter all the slave masters. It makes sense regarding her personality and background that she acted that way and we did not know that she knows the language.
    It makes also sense regarding plot, something many seem not to be able to do. I mean remember the scene at Teen Wolf when Scott’s diagnostic powers were revealed? Made sense for the plot but not the background. Here it was fitting.
    Danaerys had no reason to speak Valeryan so far so of course we would not know. And the Valeryan accent fits the one here that is used for the word Targaryan:

    She really surprised us all here.

    Now the stuff with the Unsullied was really a big gamble, but not for the reasons you mentioned. You see, you made a mistake. The majority of the Dothraki had turned on her when Drogo died and among the rest once they heard they were no longer slaves half of them left her and this could have gone the same way. But apparently this time her gamble worked and worked big time. Of course since this is Game of Thrones things will not be as easy as they seem. Now Dany has an army under her and the news surely will spread what she did in Astapor. So I wonder…

    Someone I know said:
    In most shows this would be the season finale, but here it is episode 4

    Fitting if you ask me. Of course that can also backfire, since by that the standards have been raised and maybe other shows will copy and that might spiral like with the current sequel trend, you know every major Hollywood movie must have a sequel.

    End note:
    I know you are a fan of the Mortal Instruments and Infernal Device series and I recently read and reviewed the first book from The Bane Chronicles called What really happened in Peru by Clare and someone else and I must stay:
    DON’T READ IT!!!!

    Seriously if you are a fan of Magnus Bane, and I think you are, do not read this. It is horrible; I would have never guessed that you can do so much wrong in such a short time. The book has only 70 pages (small pages with big letters) and these two idiots totally wreck everything they can.
    I actually had to laugh at some scenes because they are so funny, but they are not supposed to be. And if they are these authors don’t know the difference between a parody and a serious book. Because that is how it was written. Like a parody and that was the basic problem. In parodies you can have people acting like caricatures and being over the top, but in real life such people would usually be crazy and total assholes. And the two words that came into my mind over and over when reading about Magnus in that book were “asshole” and “Jace”. Just like with Will, and possible Jem, Magnus again seems to be another incarnation of Jace.
    And the worst thing is this:
    This is what the synopsis promised:
    Fans of The Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices know that Magnus Bane is banned from Peru—and now they can find out why.

    Well the last time I encountered such a lie was in Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Guide. Actually this book is somewhat similar.
    Sure it starts out with teasing you that it will answer the question, but it never does.
    So this is the start:
    It was a sad moment in Magnus Bane’s life when he was banned from Peru by the High Council of Peruvian warlocks. It was not just because the posters with a picture of him that were passed around Downworld in Peru were so wildly unflattering. It was because Peru was one of his favorite places.
    He had had many adventures there, and had many wonderful memories, starting with the time in 1791 when he had invited Ragnor Fell to join him for a festive sightseeing escape in Lima.

    And this is the end:
    Magnus’s sudden turn to a life of crime, shockingly enough, was not the reason he was banned from Peru either. The High Council of Peruvian warlocks met in secret, and a letter was sent to Magnus several months later announcing that he had been banned from Peru, on pain of death, for “crimes unspeakable.” Despite his inquiries, he never received an answer to the question of what he had been banned for. To this day, whatever it is that actually got him banned from Peru is—and perhaps must always remain—a mystery.

    See what I mean?
    And if you think that I spoiled it for you now, don’t worry either, because neither start nor end has anything to do with the rest of the book.

    I mentioned that it is similar somewhat to Stephenie Meyer’s Twilight Guide and this is why:

    We don’t really learn much about Magnus that we didn’t know already. It is basically the same stuff that was already said in her previous books. In most cases Magnus also acts the same and we don’t really get to know any new people and these two warlocks serve to point anyway despite Ragnor being Magnus’s opposite and Catarina kissing Magnus’s ass. And where are all the warlocks of Peru anyway? We never meet any warlock we didn’t know from the Mortal Instruments already. And that is the problem: we only meet the additional warlocks Ragnor Fell and Catarina Loss. Not only are their names as stupid as that of Magnus, but we also either knew them or knew of them from the Mortal Instruments and The Infernal Devices. Why not some new warlocks?

    And this is not all, reading how Magnus acted I could not help be remembered of Jace from the Mortal Instruments and Will from Infernal Devices books. If that is the character Clare had in mind when she decided to pair him with Alec in Mortal Instruments no wonder she did it, in this book he seems like Jace 2.0 (or 3.0 considered that Will was already Jace 2.0) and Alec had a “crush” on Jace. His attitude, his behavior, that all reminds me of Jace and Will. It seems like the same character, again. He is just as annoying, arrogant, selfish, shallow and fickle, not to mention to be completely incapable of seeing his own flaws. Also he seems very grafted and not developed. If the authors wanted to make him sympathetic, they failed, they failed miserably. I never really liked Magnus in the other books because I thought he acted like a child and here it is even more so. I can’t say too much now, but I can say this: While reading this I just too often thought “What an asshole.” Fans can be lucky they never read too much of Magnus in the other books, because if he was supposed to be the way he was in this book he is just… You will see what I mean, if you dare.

    The funny thing is that some parts of the book I actually had to laugh at. It was in many ways written like a parody or a general sitcom or comedy. And as funny as it was, that is the problem. It is supposed to be a book that gives you insight into an actual character. A character that is not from any comedic genre and thereby it fails in itself. This Magnus, and many of the other characters, are usually not real people. They are caricatures and nothing more.

    Several times the thought “what did they smoke” crossed my mind. The characters don’t really develop, a lot makes no sense or has no relevance, there is weird language and weird characters, with Magnus being the worst, and no real sense behind it all. We don’t really get to know anything about Magnus we hadn’t known before. It is overall a very useless book, except as an example on how not to write and how gullible and crazy fans are who likes this. If you want to read it, get a copy from a library or lend it from a friend, but don’t waste money on this, it is not worth it.
    Much of what they write doesn’t make sense and too often I asked myself whether they even can write and how much research of the respective time periods did they even make. A lot of the book was just cheap attempts at reader manipulation in my eyes and it was so obvious, that was the worst.

    There is one thing I just noticed:
    For someone who supposedly made such a big deal to have Magnus played by Godfrey Gao in the upcoming movie and have Jem be portrayed by an Asian model on the cover of Clockwork prince (albeit they didn’t get his hair or eyes right) it is surely weird that for this cover she didn’t seem to have bothered to get it across. Sure it is obvious that the character is neither African nor Australian but still, what is he? European? Asian? I think this is intentional and stinks of the practice of not wanting to show Non-White models on the cover.
    Ok, I will leave the rest for the spoiler and stop here or otherwise I will spoil it for everybody.

    I guess my full review is more than the book is worth but seeing all the praise for such a bad book I could not do any different but take notes while reading this, and I actually don’t want to. Someone has to say it. This must have been the worst review I ever made; because the book is just… how can you do so much wrong in so little time? How is that possible? How???
    This book was so bad it triggered a review/rant of mine that was so long it could not fit on Goodreads. So the one on Goodreads is the short version, if you want to read the long version you would have to read it on my Deviant Art Journal: http://fav.me/d63cu8a
    The one on Deviantart also has the most spoilers since there was just so much crap. So the Goodreads version is actually the version suitable for children.

    I can say it with 99,99999999999% confidence: The Magnus Bane in this book is a backstabbing, shallow, whimsical, ungrateful, everything fucking egomaniac

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