“Well this is awkward . . .”
One of the downsides of being a lead protagonist on a supernatural series is that the mere act of being your friend, relative, lover, or random acquaintance literally causes people to DIE. Elena Gilbert, Buffy Summers, Sam and Dean Winchester, Sookie Stackhouse, the folks from Being Human, Arya Stark . . . these folks actually share very little in common with one another, apart from the impenetrable cloud of death that follows them wherever they go . . .
Unfortunately, the same goes for Scott McCall and Derek Hale, both of whose friendships are not unlike some venereal diseases . . . incredibly painful and deadly, if not properly treated.
All of this is basically my long-winded way of saying, R.I.P. Vernon Boyd. If only you had been wearing protection . . . like a bullet proof vest, or a body condom . . .
Thank goodness, Stiles already has one of those . . .
But if I were Isaac, I’d probably be wearing this over my clothes every week . . .
Is that a toilet plunger he’s holding?
This week, on Teen Wolf we learned all about currents . . .
. . . and why, no matter how badly you want to be kissed on Christmas, it’s a bad idea to eat Mistletoe . . .
. . . also this week on Teen Wolf, I was reminded why I’m petrified of moths . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always special thanks to my amazing screencapper Andre, to whom I would absolutely lend my body condom (never used . . . don’t worry), if I thought, for a second, that being my friend was harmful to his health . . .)
It’s Hard Out There for a
Pimp Nurse . . .
Mama McCall is having a rough night.
It’s as if she went to bed a supporting character on Teen Wolf, and woke up the star of Grey’s Anatomy . . .
“Doctor McDreamy is so steamy!”
. . . which would be great for a swinging single lady like Mama McCall, except for one small problem . . .ALL THE HOT DOCTORS ARE EITHER DEAD . . .
. . . or out catching butterflies . . . with their mouths . . .
“Nom-nom. Got one!”
Talk about warped priorities! Then again, what do you expect from a woman stupid enough to pick up a hitchhiker who looks like THIS . . .
“Could I possibly trouble you to drop me off at the Gates of Hell?”
(I guess they don’t teach you about Stranger Danger in Med School.)
Meanwhile, back in the hospital, Scott takes away some lady’s pain, just by fondling her
I thought he was only able to do that with puppies!
Then, because everybody needs a little Christmas (right this very minute), Ethan carries Danny into the hospital. And the latter proceeds to vomit SO MUCH Mistletoe (definitely an entire wreath’s worth) all over the hospital floor . . .
Ethan must eat poison mistletoe all the time, because he knew exactly what it was the minute Danny spewed . . .
“My boyfriend is a total lightweight . . .”
(It kind of reminds me of that time, back in fourth grade science class, when I had to dissect pellets of owl vomit, and determine, based on the types of bones I was pulling out, what the bulimic bird had for breakfast. I wish I was kidding about this . . .)
I’m just trying to figure out how the Darach managed to get Danny to eat all that plantlife, without him even knowing what he was consuming. Of course, I have my theories . . .
(Speaking of kissing, if we are to believe what Ethan told Scott this week, now that the Alpha Twins know that Scott doesn’t give two craps about Danny, the “love” between this computer hacking, musical instrument-playing, science nerd / former best friend of Jackson and the Gay Alpha Twin could actually be 100% legit. And they say romance is dead!)
From Showmance to Romance . . .
When Danny stops breathing, due to an allergic reaction to the mistletoe, Mama McCall saves him by stabbing his chest with a syringe, to allow air his escape his lungs. I was impressed to learn that the medical science presented in this scene was actually real . . . at least the part about the deflated lung, and the syringe. I’m not really sure about the whole “Mistletoe Thing.”
Mama McCall is hero! (Though, in hindsight, wouldn’t it have been easier for Scott the Messiah to just fondlle Danny’s chest a little bit, like he did with that lady?)
“Now you tell me?”
Speaking of ladies in pain, did you ever hear the expression, “You are what you eat?” Because apparently, that doctor chick from earlier in the episode turned into a moth, which made driving her car highly inconvenient . . .
Driving Ms. Mothy . . .
I’m just kidding, of course. Moth eating lady, and that Other Doctor are both taken (and ultimately killed) by the EEEEEVVVVIIIIIL DARACH. I just happen to think transforming the doctor into a bug would have been much funnier, than hanging her from the ceiling (like MISTLETOE!) and murdering her off-screen . . . DARACH FAIL!
“I get no respect.”
Speaking of fails, Kali the Werewolf may be tops, when it comes to grabbing foreign objects with her toes, and murdering people. But when it comes to Threats Disguised as Window Art, she’s kind of one-note.
“I think it’s beautiful.”
If I were her, I’d probably go for something a bit more personal, like “KALI & ENNIS 4 EVA.”
Rest in Peace guy who had no lines the entire season (and who eventually had his face squashed like a rotten melon).
Speaking of window dressing, how adorable were Scott and Isaac, when they kept bedside vigil by Mama McCall’s bedside, so she wouldn’t be kidnapped by Lord Voldemort and his band of Evil Moth-Loving Tree People?
So what if they ended up being the Worst Bodyguards EVER? It’s the thought that counts, right?
“We were just resting our eyes. We promise.”
“I don’t remember anyone telling me this kid moved into our house.”
In other window dressing news, I know Deaton’s a vet, and loves animals, and all. But his idea of curtains leaves much to be desired . . .
“I wanted my drapes to match my carpet.”
Upon seeing the moths hanging out outside his window, Deaton calls Scott, and tells the werewolf he’s about to require a rescue.
“Is this 1-900-KILLDARACH?”
“I can’t talk right now. My English teacher keeps texting me about not taking calls during class.”
I thought this was particularly insightful on Deaton’s part. I mean, if I saw moths outside my window like that, I’d probably just call the exterminator. Or, more likely, I’d tell whoever was in the house with me at the time to go kill them, while I cowered in the corner with my hands over my eyes. Yeah, I’m THAT Girl . . .
I hope you have flood insurance . . .
I’m not exactly sure how much time passed between the events of “Motel California” and those of “Currents.” But I did find it odd that Boyd and Isaac never said boo to Derek about how he more or less faked his own death, devastating the pack, while he hid out in a hole boning the English Teacher . . .
“You are pretty much the worst packmaster ever. But we still heart you.”
I also find it strange that Derek seemingly had no problem with flooding his whole apartment, just so that MAYBE he could electrocute one barefoot wolf lady.
“Your idea is kind of terrible, to be honest.”
Granted the guy has no furniture in his apartment, apart from . . . sometimes a table. So, it’s not like there was much property to be damaged. But still . . .
P.S. Where is Peter during all this?
“You people are idiots.”
Sassy Uncle Pete would have totally talked some sense into this crew, if he were here. Maybe Boyd would even still be alive!
Stiles, I know things are tough for you right now. But its high time you came out to your dad about how pretty much all your friends are werewolves, and your future girlfriend is most likely a banshee . . .
Like they say in those commercials . . . “It gets better.”
Speaking of getting better, Team Parents was a roll this week. Not only did Mama McCall save Danny’s life, and manage to make it through the entire hour without getting eaten by moths, she also, along with Sheriff Stilinski, pretty much solved the entire mystery of the episode. The nurse and the sheriff basically took on the roles typically embodied by Stiles and Lydia on this show. Like Stiles before her, Mama McCall was responsible for determining the way in which the Darach murdered the “healers.” (Asphyxiation by hanging). As for Sheriff Stilinski, he not only ended up being the first on the scene, when Scott’s father figure Deaton first went missing, he was also, ultimately, the one who ended up saving his life. (More on that later of course . . .)
Speaking of smart cookie characters over the age of 30 (a rarity in teen TV), Papa Argent also played a part in solving this week’s mystery, which I’ll get to in just a bit . . .
Knock, Knock . . . (Who’s there?)
Meanwhile, back at school, Lydia is getting laid by Aidan again.
“He still hasn’t learned where to put his hands.”
(What’s with these two hooking up in classrooms all the time? Why can’t they do it in the car, or their parents’ basement like normal teenagers? Then again, I’m not even sure the Alpha Twins have parents. Perhaps, they used to have them, but they ate them . . .)
“Son, have you done your homework?”
Someone pulls the fire alarm at this point. But no one really seems to go outside . . .
Then, Cora appears out of nowhere, which I guess means she pulled the fire alarm? That reminds me, does Cora even go to school? I hope so, because I’d hate to see what kind of education one would get by being home-schooled by Derek Hale . . .
Cora tells Lydia that Derek doesn’t want her to date Aidan anymore. Derek’s sudden concern for Lydia is pretty adorable, especially considering that the only real interaction these two have had with one another was that time that Lydia blew wolfsbane in Derek’s face, and brought his “evil” uncle back from the dead, who she sort-of / kind-of made out with once . . .
Not exactly a match made in Heaven when it comes to these two . . .
Now that I think about it, having dated both Kanaima Jackson, (almost, but not really) Peter, and now Aidan, Lydia has swapped spit with nearly every season’s Big Bad. Who’s next? Deucalion?
Hey, at least if Lydia started making out with Gerard, he’d finally get some of that black crap out of his mouth . . .
Anywhoo, on Deaton’s sister, Ms. Morell’s advice, Stiles and Cora decide to “inspire” Lydia to find where the Darach is hiding by playing with Ouiji Boards and letting her draw stuff . . .
Silly Stiles! Haven’t you figured out by now that Lydia can only “communicate” psychically with the dead, and Vet Deaton is still alive?
I was also kind of surprised that Stiles didn’t recognize that, by drawing a tree, Lydia might actually have been communicating with the Darach, after all. Wasn’t he the one who translated the word Darach to mean “dark oak?”
“It’s like the writers forgot you were smart?”
I fear that perpetual virginity is starting to eat away at Stiles’ brain. It’s time to fix that problem. I’m looking at you, Lydia . . .
Elsewhere in school, Scott hears the annoying sound of a tapping cane. Sigh . . . am I the only one who thinks this Big Bad needs a new prop? The blind jokes are getting kind of old . . .
Choose your adventure . . .
In yet another abandoned classroom, Deucalion commandeers Scott for a game of “Cane Keepaway,” which, from the looks of it, is kind of like Monkey in the Middle . . . only for blind people . . . with no friends . . .
After that fun is over, Deucalion helpfully tells Scott that he can find is little Vet friend by “following the currents.” The only problem is, if he does that, Derek will probably die, because Kali will kill him . . .Choices . . . choices . . .
Is that a boner in your pocket or . . . is that a boner in your pocket?
Unable to decide between saving the boss who pays him minimum wage, and the hot guy who always lets him down, Scott heads on over to Allison’s apartment. Because while Big Scott can’t even decide whether he wants cereal or pancakes for breakfast, Little Scott always seems to know exactly what he wants . . .
Now, admittedly, I’ve never exactly been a Scott and Allison fan. That said, I absolutely ADORE Allison and Little Scott. Check out how much chemistry these two have with one another in the closet?
In fact, with the exception of Stiles’ Weiner, Scott’s Weiner might very well be my favorite character on this show . . .
After their close encounters of the closet kind, Scott and Allison head to Papa Argent’s lair, where they learn that the now-out-of-retirement werewolf hunter, has not only been closely mapping the Darach kidnappings and murders, he’s also been predicting where subsequent ones will take place!
I told you Team Parents took home a win, this week . . .
I dream of Stilinski
Speaking of winning, my favorite scene in the entire episode was the one where Stiles visits Danny in the hospital, and tries to convince the latter, he’s dreaming, so he can snoop in peace . . .
*whistles a lullaby*
Stiles correctly assumes that the Darach poisoned but didn’t kill Danny, in order to prevent the latter from important information about the other sacrifices. Lo and behold, Stiles finds a term paper in Danny’s bag about . . . wait for it . . . currents.
Did someone say “Currents”? (That’s the title of this episode!)
There goes Teen Wolf trying to make us learn again . . .
Upon comparing Chris Argent’s Murder Map of Beacon Hills with the one from Danny’s research paper, the Scooby Gang discovers that all of the kidnappings, murders and body discoveries each took place at specific places in town where electrical currents were most powerful. The explanation actually reminded me a bit of the whole “expression triangle” bit the writers used on TVD this past year.
That said, I give the writers of Teen Wolf a bit more credit for actually basing all the supernatural occurrences that take place in the fictional town of Beacon Hills on something resembling actual scientific principle.
Also . . . they didn’t call it a ridiculous name like “expression triangle.”
It’s actually Cora who takes the final logic leap to determine that the Darach is most likely holding Deaton in the same vault where she and Boyd had been held captive at the beginning of the season.
(Congratulations Cora! When it comes to intelligence, you might just take more after your Sassy Sociopathic Uncle Peter than your pretty, and very good at punching things, but not particularly bright, brother Derek.)
And so the group decides to split up, with Scott heading to the vault to save Deaton, while the rest of the crew head to Chez Derek, upon learning that Boyd’s plan to electrocute Kali by flooding Derek’s apartment ended up being . . . wait for it . . . all wet.
Even Magic Coochie can’t save you now . . .
In a move that surprises absolutely no one, Kali kidnaps Miss Magic Coochie, herself, and drags her to Derek’s apartment, in hopes of getting him to toe the line and join her Big Bad Alpha Pack.
“Got your coochie!”
Derek looks forlornly at Magic Coochie, hoping that she will help get them out of this mess. Unfortunately, the Magic Coochie remains powerless unless her pants are down . . .
“Coochie, coochie coo?”
And so, as they do every episode, Derek’s pack, and the Alpha pack begin beating one another up in a warehouse like space . . . only this time, due to the flood in the apartment, the fighting looks more like water aerobics than anything else . . .
Speaking of aerobics . . .
Scott shows off his talent for miming . . .
OK . . . OK . . . I get that it is supposed to be this “Huge Triumphant Moment,” when Scott finally realizes what most fans figured out in week 1 . . . that this Special Snowflake would somehow manage to become an Alpha, without putting in the hard work, and/or coping with the mental anguish of ACTUALLY KILLING SOMEONE.
I just wish the moment of realization was . . . oh I don’t know . . . A LOT COOLER?
Think about it, Scott spent his Big Red Eye Alpha Day making constipated facial expressions and knocking up against an INVISIBLE WALL.
“I’m in a box.”
He couldn’t even save Deaton! HUMAN Sheriff Stilinski had to do it for him, using something as common place as a gun to shoot down the ropes from which the vet was suspended.
“That was easy.”
Superhero Origin stories are supposed to be epic. Everyone remembers the first time Spiderman threw a web from his hand, and climbed up a skyscraper. As kids, we ooohed and aahed to see Superman Fly “faster than a speeding bullet.” We all wanted to ride in the Batmobile with Batman, smash a building with The Hulk, wield a hefty hammer like Thor . . .
I understand that Scott’s “Magic Power” comes from him being such a “nice guy.” I just kind of wish he was a “nice guy,” with the ability to do cool sh*t, like say manipulating electric currents with his bare hands . . .
It would make Big Bad’s like Deucalion’s interest in him make a lot more sense . . . Just sayin . . .
Good news: the Scooby Gang managed to turn back on the power in Derek’s house!
Bad news: they totally electrocuted the wrong people!
Worse news, the Alpha Pack took this electric opportunity to stake Boyd using Derek’s OWN claws as a weapon. Talk about traumatic!
Quick, Boyd’s hurt! Someone bring over the Magic Coochie! Seriously, if anyone needs to get laid on this show, it’s Boyd . . . possibly even more than Stiles. At least Stiles can SMILE sometimes through his virginity. Poor Boyd has always been a perpetual sourwolf. And now it looks like he will be a sourwolf for all eternity . . .
All kidding aside, as tragic (and arguably useless) as Boyd’s death was, the scene was exceptionally done. Everything from the brief flashback of Erika going down swinging . . . to Boyd’s final words . . . to the poetic use of the concept of a lunar eclipse as strength in death . . . to the quiet way Derek allowed Stiles to comfort him, when his entire life seemed to be going to Hell in a Handbasket . . . was beautifully shot and painstakingly directed.
As much as I tease the writers of this show sometimes, it’s moments like these that remind us why we, as fans, keep coming back, week after week to watch . . . which, of course, brings me to . . .
A Spoilery Sneak Peek into Teen Wolf’s Future . .
Normally, at this point in the recap, I offer you a link to next week’s trailer. But this week, I was much more intrigued by the SUPER SPOILERY Comic Con trailer. So, I’m going to post IT instead . . . (Warning: While I’ve never been a TV fan who shies away from spoilers, this particular trailer gives away SOOO much information, that I would advise anyone who is even the slightest bit spoilerphobic not to view it.)
This is the part of my recap, when I give spoilerphobes a chance to click away from this website . . .
Are they gone yet?
OK . . . for the rest of you, please enjoy the trailer, which, if you watch carefully, provides you with, not only the true identity of the DARACH (or at least one of it’s key henchmen), but also a MAJOR MAKEOUT SCENE, featuring one of the series’ most popular will they/won’t they couples . . .
In other news from Comic Con, apparently next season of Teen Wolf will feature a kitsune, the very same supernatural creature, whose television debut Andre and I have been rooting for, for about two years now.
(Jeff Davis referred to it as a “Japanese shapeshifter,” but we know better . . .)
Annnnnd, that’s all she wrote, Wolfbangers! Please feel free to drop me a line in the comments regarding your thoughts on “Currents,” “Comic Con,” “the Darach,” and kitsunes . . .
Until next time!