“I kind of always assumed it was genetic,” shrugs Stiles, when asked by Peter if he knows why some werewolves have golden eyes, and others have blue.
This week on Teen Wolf, we learn that, unlike human eye color, the hue of a werewolves’ peepers is borne out of life experience.
In fact, much of “Visionary” deals with the theme of “Nature versus Nurture.”
In addition to offering up some pretty meaty back stories for Beacon Hills’ most notorious heroes and villains, this uber ambitious Teen Wolf installment also aimed tackle some of the series’ longest running mysteries, like:
Was Derek Hale always such a sour wolf?
Does he know how to play any other musical instruments, apart from his washboard abs?
Was Peter Hale always such a creepy stalker type (or is this a new “post death” habit he’s developed)?
Was Dead!Ennis ever capable of human speech beyond just grunting?
“Grrrrrrrrr . . .”
Is Deucalion faking his blindness, or what?
Does telling the fable about the scorpion and the frog three times in one hour make the story less annoying?
And yet, as informative as this season of Teen Wolf has been, I fear there are some questions about this show to which we might never learn the answers. For example:
What the f*&k is up with the Teen Wolf timeline?
Are Derek and Peter Hale secretly older than the Salvatore Brothers on TVD?
If werewolves age more slowly than normal humans, how come they are the only characters in flashbacks that consistently get older, while the human adults always look the same?
Frustrating, isn’t it?
Anyway . . . onward, to the RECAP!
[As always, special thanks to our resident recapping genius, Andre, who I know would totally be kind enough to squeeze my hand and take all my pain away, if I ever started drooling black goo . . .]
About a Girl
For a good looking guy, Derek Hale sure has SH*TTY luck with the ladies . . .
Up until this point, we’ve all assumed that it was saucy sociopath Kate Argent, who converted Derek into the cliched Lone Wolf, by seducing him, and then summarily proceeding to BURN DOWN HIS HOUSE, AND KILL EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED . . .
As it turns out, Derek’s experience with Kate only further cemented his belief that love sucks, and almost always ends in horrific untimely death . . .
Meet Paige. She plays the oboe(?), and wears Mom Jeans.
She’s also about to ruin Derek for women for all eternity . . .
(Well . . . at least women, who don’t have magic coochies . . .)
who almost looks too much like Miss Magic Coochie for it to be a mere coincidence accuses young Derek of interrupting her “Band Practice” . . .
. . . he proceeds to shove his balls in her face . . .
. . . well . . . more like one ball, actually.
Derek Hale – DE-NIED!
Round Two of the Mating Game: Paige offers to tell Derek her name, if he can play her a musical instrument. Derek’s choice?
(Personally, I think the drums would have been a more manly selection. But the triangle wins on snark value, as it is pretty much the most useless musical instrument ever invented . . . No offense to all you Concert Trianglists out there . . .)
Thank you for playing the Mating Game, Derek and Paige! You may now proceed to grope and fondle one another in dark, creepy abandoned places, where teens like you tend to get killed in horror movies . . .
“Come grope me in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre house. It’s totally safe!”
Speaking of killers, this episode marks the return of Young!Peter, a character wh0 heretofore only existed in Lydia’s wacky hallucinations . . .
What’s interesting about this portion of the episode is that Derek’s flashback is told entirely from the point-of-view of Peter, even though Peter seems to have NOTHING AT ALL TO DO WITH THIS STORY.
“I’m just cool like that.”
So, basically, we get to watch a bunch of scenes with Derek and Paige, during which Peter is inexplicably lurking in the background, doing absolutely nothing of importance . . .
In other words, it’s kind of like what happens in every episode of this season . . .
Some fans have speculated that this is because Peter is lying to Cora and Stiles. And that HE and not Derek was the true heartbroken lothario in this story.
He’s even shown to have golden (and not blue) eyes himself, when the story begins . . .
But what would Peter gain by lying about something as seemingly unrelated to the main narrative as this?
Since we are on the subject of Peter, it’s important to note that his presence in the story is our first shred of evidence that all is not what it seems, when it comes to werewolf aging.
After all, in present day, Peter appears to be a good six to seven years older than Derek, whereas in the flashbacks, he looks to be only a year or two older tops . . .
To further complicate things, Flashback!Derek makes a comment that Peter isn’t supposed to be on school grounds. Since we already know from previous episodes that the latter graduated from Beacon Hills as a basketball star, this little tidbit of information would seem to suggest that Peter IS much older than Derek, and DID graduate about six or seven years earlier than him, but still LOOKS the same as he did in high school.
Speaking of playing basketball . . .is it a mere coincidence that both Peter and his nephew excelled in the sport? Or is this yet another hint that Derek’s “Doomed Love Story” with Paige was actually Peter’s own?
He’s also a tad pathetic for continuing to hang out with high school kids, despite being well into his mid twenties . . .
Then again, the same could be said about Derek and Peter, in present day . . .
Anywhoo, if we are to believe Peter’s narrative, even though he is the first to plant the seeds in Derek’s head that he must turn Paige into a werewolf, or risk losing her forever . . .
So is herpes, buddy . . .
. . . it’s ultimately Derek who arranges for Ennis to attack Paige at school, and give her “The Bite.” (Of course, this so-called agreement between Ennis and Derek happens off-screen. So, we can’t be too sure.)
So, a bite is exactly what Paige gets.
Talk about someone who should be banned from school grounds.
“I love it when girls play hard to get.”
“Hey there, Little Girl. Ever had a hickey from a Big Bad Wolf?”
And then she BITES THE DUST . . .
“I am the Angel of Death.”
But not before a heartbreakingly agonizing scene during which she tells Derek she pretty much knew exactly what he was, and loved him anyway . . . thereby making this whole biting thing completely unnecessary.
She could have lived, DAMMIT!
Let that be a lesson to YOU, people who like to hire strange men to bite their significant others . . .
Paige then, more or less, asks Derek to kill her fast, because she is unable to cope with the pain of the slow, painful death of her body rejecting the bite . . .
So, Derek gives Paige the “Hug of Death,” which I assume breaks her spine.
And that’s how Derek Hale first became a murderer, or more accurately a mercy killer. He saw an animal in a lethal amount of pain. And he put that animal to sleep . . . kind of like a veterinarian . . .
“That was cold.”
Of course, like I said, most veterinarians don’t hire grunting gorilla types to bite people’s pets, and make them die . . . no matter how much that would help their business to thrive . . . at least I hope not. Almost immediately after “killing” Paige, Derek gets a shiny new pair of colored contacts . . .
“Worry not, Sonny Boy. I still love your murderous ass. Too bad I’m about to suffer a horrible death, like every other woman in your life . . .”
Peter tells Cora and Stiles that wolves’ eyes turn from gold to blue, after they take an innocent human life. (As a blue-eyed person myself, I find this highly offensive and “color-ist”)
“I’m not a colorist. Some of my best friends have blue eyes!”
It also poses more questions than it answers. Jackson’s eyes turned blue, when he became a wolf, presumably because of all the people Matt had him kill as a kanaima . . . most of whom did little more wrong than attend a party where a little boy fell in the pool and almost drowned. Sure, laughing at a drowning kid is mean, but it doesn’t make a person sufficiently “not innocent” to deserve untimely death . . .
On the other hand, Jackson only killed while under the control of Matt, and arguably should not be “blue,” for actions over which he had no autonomy.
The case of Peter, who’s beta form also includes blue eyes, is even more intriguing. Peter killed a crap load of people as the Alpha in season 1. However, each of those people played a significant role in the fire that killed his family. And therefore, arguably none of them were “innocent,” like Paige.
Perhaps, Peter secured his blue-eyed beta form when he killed Laura Hale to become an Alpha. . .
But was Laura Hale, herself truly innocent?
At the time we first heard about her, we all assumed that Laura inherited her title of Alpha, when her shapeshifting mother Talia (who we now know was Alpha prior to Laura) died in the Hale family fire.
But according to “Ye Olde Wise Hale Family Guide” Deaton (with the exception of Special Snowflake Scott) Alphas only become Alphas by killing their predecessors. So, did Laura kill Talia? And, if so, under what circumstances? Had she euthanized her mother due to injuries she sustained in the fire? Or was the murder something a bit more malicious?
“Whatchu talkin about recapper?”
I found it noteworthy that Laura Hale appeared nowhere in this flashback, despite her presumably being around the same age as Peter and Derek at the time all this “Paige Stuff” was going down . . .
Have I confused you enough yet?
Here’s another question? What happens to a pack whose Alpha dies for reasons entirely unrelated to homicide? Do they just wander the Earth Alpha-less? Because that seems like a pretty piss poor way to run a species . . .
“Will YOU be my Alpha?”
Upon determining that Sassy Uncle Peter is full of sh*t, Stiles decides to go to the source, and ask Derek himself, what really happened between him and Paige. So, maybe we’ll get some answers from him.
“So, do you wanna talk about it?”
“All righty then . . .”
But somehow I doubt it. Derek has never exactly been the eloquent type . . .
This is your brain.
This is your brain on Teen Wolf . . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Flashback Land . . .
Beware the EYES of March . . .
Peter Hale isn’t the only Teen Wolf villain doling out bedtime stories.
In exchange for some magical hand fondles from Scott, that sexy Drooler of Shoe Polish, Gerard Argent decides to tell Scott and Allison the story of how Deucalion first lost his sight . . .
“This feels kind of like an orgasm . . . only really, really sh*tty.”
It all starts when Ennis . . . yes THAT Ennis . . . loses a member of his pack, presumably after that member is killed and cut in half by Gerard himself.
“So much for being the first talking Asian wolf on this show . . .”
If we are to believe Gerard’s story, before they became the Alpha Pack, Ennis’s Pack, Kali’s Pack, and Deucalion’s Pack all live in the vicinity of Beacon Hills.
*lots of hot extras, who we will unfortunately never see again*
For example, I’m really liking the guy to the left of the douche who ultimately tried to kill Deucalion . . .
(Also if we are to believe Gerard’s story, the Argent family lived in Beacon Hills long before they supposedly “moved in to town” during the episode pilot.)
Commence retcon immediately . . .
Ennis somehow arranges for all the packs to convene in Beacon Hills to discuss the “Hunter Situation.” Specifically, he wants to meet with Derek’s mom, because she’s a naked chick, with the power to turn into a “Real Wolf,” as opposed to those bizarre wolf-headed man things into which everyone else on the show turns.
Happiest wolf ever . . .
Happiest Wolf Ever after a good shaving . . .
But then, of course, once everyone arrives at the meeting, Sneaky Ennis decides to engage in some graffiti.
Apparently, doing this makes everyone in the room wolf-bound to help him in his plan to get vengeance on the hunters.
BETA 1: “Dammit, I knew I should have gone to the bathroom. Now, I’m stuck on this stupid Revenge Death Mission . . .”
BETA 2: “Ennis is an ass. He’s the kind of guy who would kill his own pack, just to gain their powers. We are so lucky we have a nice, level-headed Alpha like Kali leading us. She’d never do something awful like that.”
Long story short, pretty much everything bad that’s ever happened in this series is Ennis’ fault . . . No wonder they decided to squash his head like a melon . . .
Gerard and the wolf pack ultimately arrange a “peaceable” meeting, and, from Gerard’s telling, the wolves turn on him, as is their “nature.”
There goes that pesky Scorpion / Frog story again . . .
However, as viewers, we have the benefit of SEEING flashbacks. So, we know that Gerard is full of crap, and lashed out against the wolves first, by gassing them with wolfsbane . . .
“I swear I thought it was the air conditioner . . .”
“All right, which one of you wolves farted?”
. . . and then wacking them on the noggin with this weird club thingy that makes him look like a REAALLLLLLY OLD version of Bam-Bam on the Flintstones . . .
Of course, it’s Gerard who ultimately blinds Deucalion . . .
“Care for some Lasik Surgery?”
“I knew I should have just stuck with contacts . . .”
. . . but not ALL of him . . . as one ill-fated power hungry beta soon learns, when he tries to use Deucalion’s newfound blindness as an opportunity to take control of his pack . . .
“I’m not being beta to a blind wolf again. They are always making me walk into walls.”
“See ya in hell, Douchebag!”
You see, Deucalion may be blind as a human, but as a wolf, he still has his full sight. (And that, my dear Wolfbangers, was the first part of this story that actually made sense to me.)
Nice knowing ya, Guy Who Strangely Resembles Marcel from The Originals. See ya next lifetime . . . when you become a vampire in New Orleans.
So, now we know Deucalion wasn’t always such a douchebag. In fact, he probably would have ended up being a nice, peace loving Alpha, with a penchant for old man sweaters straight out of This Guy’s closet . . . .
“Won’t you be my beta?”
. . . were it not for Ennis and his cave paintings . . . He also, apparently, wouldn’t have had that accent. (Because I’m pretty sure he didn’t have it in the flashbacks.) Because suffering and loss have the power to make you British . . . who knew?
Like Stiles and Cora, Allison and Scott also happen to think their bedtime storyteller is full of crap . . .
“Why should I believe you when sh*t LITERALLY comes out of your mouth, every time you speak?”
But to really learn the truth about what happened back then, Allison and Scott will probably have to ask Deucalion himself
. . . which seems like a monumentally BAAAAD idea . . .
Speaking of Bad Ideas, guess who has decided to take up cave painting?
Silly Sour Wolf! Revenge Plots are for people who want to end up with their heads squashed . . .
Next week on Teen Wolf, we finally get to learn what Lydia is
probably a banshee, and the true identity of the darach probably Magic Coochie.
Also . . . SHIRTLESS ALPHA DANCING!
(It’s like Magic Mike . . . only hairier)
Annnnnd here’s the trailer(s) . . .
Until next time, Wolfbangers!