Greetings, Fangbangers! It’s Remembrance Day over in Mystic Falls, which is convenient, considering that most of our Scooby Gang begin the episode empty-headed, clueless, and in need of some serious shots of Ginkgo-Baloba . . .
Let’s see we’ve got Stefan, who has “mysteriously” lost his memory, and suddenly finds himself under the delusion that he is the “fun brother,” who “gets the girl.” WRONG and WRONG-ER . . .
Matt sets up cameras all around the house, because he can’t, for the life of him, figure out why he loses time daily, and has developed a sudden fascination for ancient weapons, Russian vodka, and speaking in the voice of a cartoon super villain . . .
Elena truly believes that the best way to bring Stefan’s memory back is to remind him what a noble minded doormat he used to be, and how much his life currently sucks . . .
Bonnie very nearly succeeds in hiding her death by using the very same excuse my parents told me when I was two and my cat died, “She’s just on a really, REALLY, REALLY long vacation.” (Then, she gets hypnotized by Jeremy’s abdominals into coming out of the closet as The Dead Chick.)
New guy, Jesse thinks there’s absolutely nothing weird about his professor instructing him to disrobe for a routine medical examination during “office hours.” (Not that any of us are complaining . . .)
In short, 99.99% of the characters on this show are kind of dumb.
But that’s why we love them.
Let’s review, shall we?
Highway to Hell-o
Nothing says epic eternal bromance like an emo diary reading followed immediately by a massive car crash, while driving down a highway at midnight at 120 miles per hour . . .
“Don’t worry about the car. You can always compel yourself another one.”
I’d like to think that Damon’s decision to literally kill himself and Stefan was a slightly misguided scientific experiment based on the hypothesis that throwing his brother from a flaming automobile and banging his head into the pavement would physically snap the sense back into him . . .
But if we’re being completely honest, I just think Damon was getting back at Stefan for referring to him as “the safe brother,” as opposed to “the fun one.”
Apparently, the elder (clearly more fun) Salvatore brother has never heard the age old saying, “kerosene and hot metal may incinerate my bones, but names will never hurt me . . .
Ultimately, the two blood-sucking-brothers walk away from their fatal car accident with nary a scratch on either of their delicately chiseled faces. Unfortunately, Stefan remains as forgetful as ever . . .
Body of Evidence
Well, hello there, Steve McQueen’s abs! We haven’t seen YOU in a few episodes . . .
I’ve never in my life been so jealous of an Oriental Rug . . .
“Well, don’t stop on my account,” demures Dead Bonnie, as she leers appreciatively at the unique bulge in her boyfriend’s pants that only seems to appear when he humps the floor mats of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. (Hey, when you’re girlfriend’s a ghost who can’t touch you, you gotta get your kicks where you can, am I right?)
Jer Bear thinks that it’s high time the World’s Laziest Poltergeist (Seriously, girl is a “Powerful Witch,” whose been dead for months, and she hasn’t moved so much as a salt shaker!) come clean to her pals about the whole “dying thing.” Bonnie concedes that the fact that she hasn’t answered any of the three-hundred e-mails Matt has sent her does make her seem like kind of a b*tch.
It also makes Matt seem like a major loser. Get a hobby, Man! Maybe that freaky dude that inhabits your body sometimes can help you out in that regard. And death would at least give her a decent excuse for being such a crap friend . . .
Plus, TVD hasn’t had a funeral since last week. They are LONG overdue!
Hex, Lies and Videotape
I suspect that Matt always dreamed that the first time he rigged video cameras up all around his house it would be to film a hot sex tape with Rebekah . . . or Caroline . . . or Elena, or any of the other girls who have unceremoniously dumped him before he got the chance to make YouTube history . . .
Instead, he’s doing it to catch in the act the foreign dude who occasionally hijacks his face to make out with hot chicks, dig up dead bodies, and generally just have a lot more fun than Real Matt ever gets to have on this show . . .
And the cheese stands alone . . .
I have to admit, this one surprised me. I was totally expecting Igor Von Bad Guy or whatever Matt’s “passenger’s” name is to cut the feeds on the video cameras, so Matt would be kept in the dark about his identity for at least a few more weeks. Instead, he cavalierly sneers at the camera, and chats with Matt, while cutting the hand they both occasionally share. More importantly, he warns him to protect that honestly-sort-of-lame looking pocket knife with the ridiculously dull blade that Matt always seems to find on hand whenever he wakes up from a vacation in Eastern European Supervillanea . . .
“Say hello to my little hand . . .”
Hey Igor Von Bad Guy, if you really want to protect your weapon, you might want to try putting it in a safe deposit box or something. Because hiding it with the lamebrained bartender who regularly forgets where he parked his motor vehicle in the five-car parking lot of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls is a surefire recipe for disaster . . .
Fight for your right to potty . . .
Speaking of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, that’s where Damon has taken Stefan on the next stop of his Misty Water-colored Memory Tour . . .
I guess I’d need a few of tequila shots in my system too, after I’d just been reminded about “that one time when I ate my dad,” and “those 5,462 times I ate other people.”
Since we are on the subject of nameless, faceless, human blood bags, whose hungry for some Tasty Waitress?
After slyly telling a recently-arrived Elena that he doesn’t remember her name, Stefan deftly excuses himself to follow Nameless Waitress into the restroom. Come on, Stefan! Hasn’t anyone told you you should poop where you eat . . . or eat where other people poop . . . or . . . well, you get the idea.
Stefan’s Sexy Murder Monologue to the Compelled Waitress, made moments before he started chomping down on her neck like it was a piece of beef jerky reminded me of that OTHER time Stefan patiently psychoanalyzed himself before sinking his teeth into a damsel in distress. Remember Miss Mystic Falls, ladies and gents?
Amnesia!Stefan may not remember his history right now, but he sure does seem doomed to repeat it . . .
Let’s face it. No one really wants to meet their demise in a dingy public restroom. And so Nameless Waitress has Damon Salvatore to thank for swooping in and preventing his little bro from finishing his Happy Meal.
The Salvatores wisely decide its time for a location change . . .
. . . and then stupidly decide to go to the cemetery, where an entire town of human blood bags just so happens to be camped out for the night . . .
It’s like bringing an obese man to Baskin Robbins, and thinking it will help him stay on his diet . . .
Thanks for the Memories, (B*tch)!
Having never exactly considered myself to be a small-town girl, I’ve always thought the majority of Mystic Falls’ “town social events” kind of lame. I mean, Founder’s Day . . . snooze, Gone with the Wind screening . . . boring, Wickery Bridge Restoration Fundraiser . . . zzzzz.
It’s a good thing massive amounts of people always tend to die during these events, otherwise they’d be a total waste of time . . .
“Yay, senseless death!”
That said, I must admit that I could 100 percent get behind the idea of Remembrance Day . . . tying corpses hands to strings with bells on them, just in case they happen to have been mistakenly buried alive? Staying up all night getting drunk in a cemetery, while reminiscing about the past? AWESOME!
Unfortunately, Stefan’s on a diet. So, he has to spend the evening locked away in a tomb with his countless dead relatives and former friends, most of whom, either he or his brother killed . . .
While watching Damon and Stefan compare notes and rack up points for each family member they’ve eaten was amusing, a night of Amnesia Stefan sitting by himself in a tomb full of corpses would have been a lame way to spend Remembrance Day. Fortunately, Elena pops up just in time to cocktease Amnesia!Stefan right back into Ripperdom . . . You go, girl!
Things start out innocently enough. Elena takes Stefan back to Mystic Falls High School (You know that place they pretended to attend for four years, but only actually entered about once a year for those inevitably fatal Decade Dances?), where she forces him to recreate the moment when they first met by
drowning in a river, and letting him save her, while systematically allowing both of her parents to die painful watery deaths bumping into her repeatedly outside the restroom. (There were a suspicious amount of bathroom references in this episode . . .).
Then, she takes him to the rooftop of the school, which actually has no past plot significance that I can remember, but I guess is a good a place as any to stare demurely into her formerly lovers eyes long enough for him to fall in love with her again, only so that she can inevitably rip his heart out, when she tells him (a) she’s just not that into him anymore; and (b) she’s boning his bro on a regular basis . . . AND LOVING IT.
“Look at me, pretending to be a bird. Aren’t I adorable?”
That revelation comes at the third stop of the Stelena Memory Lane Tour, which, not surprisingly, is the top of Wickery Bridge. After casually explaining to Stefan how he once saved her life on Wickory Bridge, and once let her die, thereby causing her to become a vampire, Elena leans her face just a bit too closely into Stefan’s face and waits patiently to drop a bomb on his ass . . .
Now, Stefan may be amnesiatic, but he’s still a dude. And dudes know a sexual overture, when they see one. This time, he’s going to get to bite the girl, and she’s going to like it, dammit . . .
. . . for sex . . . even though I don’t remember ever having any . . .”
Suave Stefan sweet talks his ex girlfriend a bit, telling her how her sex appeal seems to have miraculously sated his hunger . . . at least the hunger in his mouth . . . Then, he goes in for a taste of his cure.
“I’m with Damon,” Elena warns preemptively . . .
Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. Because Stefan Salvatore, you have just been DE-NIED . . . again . . .
Apparently, the fact that Stefan woke up to the sight of Damon and Elena making out, and they slept in the same bed together, wasn’t a big enough tip to Stefan that these two were boning on a regular basis. Does having amnesia take away IQ points?
Feeling betrayed all over again by his brother and former lover, and hoodwinked by Elena’s ill-advised, poorly timed flirt fest, Amnesia!Stefan does what most of us do, when we’ve just been dumped and are feeling unattractive and unloved . . . he turns to food . . .
“Eating my feelings.”
Happy Hunting, Amnesia!Sort-of RipperStefan!
Because Caroline’s Dates Make for the Best Chew Toys!
The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else . . .
This is predominately Caroline’s reasoning, when she invites new college coed Sex G-d Jesse to “study biology
and one another’s body parts” at Mystic Falls Weekly Human Murder Party, where unimportant characters are mercilessly offed to up the series’ body count Remembrance Day Festivities.
As an added bonus, Jesse is “very close” with this season’s Creepy, But Vaguely Attractive Professor, Who is Possibly/Probably Up to No Good
Alaric Saltzman . . . Professor Shane . . . Severus Snape . . . Professor Maxfield. This means that, if Jesse is lucky enough to live past five episodes of this series, Caroline can ply the stud for important information, WHILE getting under him / over Tyler . .
Things get off to a pretty decent start, in that regard, with Caroline and Hunky Pawn sharing a chaste kiss in the forest, while quizzing one another on biology terms.
Then, comes Stefan, a.k.a Mr. Can’t Eat Just One, and things start to go to crap pretty quickly . . .
At first Amnesia!Stefan is cordial, if a bit sexually aggressive, telling Caroline that she looks hotter in person than in her pictures. (Notice how he immediately remembers Caroline’s name, but not Elena’s . . .interesting.)
Then, Stefan introduces Jesse to Mystic Falls by offering to treat his neck like a chicken wing. Caroline, who has always been the group’s Miss Fix It, deftly compels her boy toy into hiding, and politely offers Stefan access to her secret blood bag stash. But by the time she turns around to show him the way, Sir Sucks A lot is already gone . . .
Poor Jesse. It turns out, while the college scholar is an expert at cracking biological equations, and kissing blondes, his Hide and Go Seek skills leave much to be desired. Stefan has magically appeared and begun sucking him dry before the “special guest star” can say “Olly, olly oxen free.”
Fortunately, Caroline arrives just in time to save the day. (For the writers to kill off a character that looks like Jesse, before fans ever get the chance to see him without his shirt would truly be a travesty of justice.) With a chomp on her wrist, and a few carefully placed words to Stefan, Caroline manages to rescue her prospective boyfriend from death, and talk her likely future friend-with-benefits off the ledge of Ripperdom, in a matter of mere seconds.
After returning to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, and burning all of his lame-ass journals (it’s about time!) . . .
. . . Stefan decides to leave the Haven of Personal Misery in favor of greener pastures. However, he agrees to check in with Caroline regularly as his unofficial sponsor for Bloodaholics anonymous, because SHE’S the only person he now truly trusts . . .
As for Jesse, he gets to live at least long enough to probably strip for us in a future episode . . . HOORAY!
Loom Awkwardly Over Your Castmates in Peace, Bonnie Bennett . . .
In other news, Jeremy finally delivered to the Scooby Gang the Newsflash of Bonnie’s death . . .
(In other late breaking news . . . this just in . . . Barak Obama was re-elected President of the United States!)
Responses among the group were understandably sad, and possibly a bit guilty. Because I think most of us would like to think that if our supposed best friend croaked, it would take us less than a half a year to figure it out . . .
When Jeremy told Damon the news, he begged his unofficial bro-in-law to take it back, under the assumption that if it was never talked about it wouldn’t be true. (Funny, that’s kind of the logic Bonnie used for keeping this need-to-know information from her friends in the first place.)
Then, Jeremy and Damon emotionally hugged it out. And I forgot how weird and awkward the beginning of the scene was, because the end was so poignantly beautiful.
Matt’s reaction was a bit more muted, but equally devastating. And Elena, well . . . she was just upset that she burned all her funeral clothes when she torched her house, and wouldn’t be able to “Peace Out,” Bonnie in style . . .
Just kidding . . . Elena was inconsolable for the obvious reasons, of course. And also because it is becoming more and more obvious that having a familial or friendship relationship with Elena Gilbert is basically the equivalent to being diagnosed with in inoperable brain tumor. You know, eventually, you are going to go. It’s only a matter of time . . .
We didn’t get to see the moment when Caroline found out about Bonnie’s death. But her quiet moment of saddened reflection, coupled with amnesia Stefan’s comforting her and offering being there for her in the best way he could, despite currently having no memory at all of the deceased, was fitting for her character, who began the show as the character who required the most coddling, and has slowly but surely evolved into its emotional rock . . .
I’ll admit I got a bit teary at Bonnie’s funeral, despite the fact that Bonnie Bennett has always been the most problematically written character on the show, and perhaps, a bit because of it . . .
Funerals have always been more about the survivors grieving, obtaining peace, and ultimately moving on from the loss, to whatever extent possible, than about the decedents themselves. And, in that sense, Bonnie’s funeral was oddly touching. It was sweet and humane to see Bonnie offering through Jeremy words of encouragement to each of her surviving friends, even if the words themselves were kind of trite and mundane. (“I wasn’t really mad at you.” “Things will get better.” “Have fun at college.”) It’s the way I think most of us would like to treat our loved ones, if we got the chance to comfort them after our deaths, and vice versa.
On the other hand, as a memorial for Bonnie’s “life,” the Bennett funeral left a bit to be desired. Pom-poms? A Whistle (because her and Matt were lifeguards for one episode)?, Feathers (in honor of the super lame trick Bonnie did for Elena to prove that she was a witch)? And a Spell Book?
These were the talismans of a life lived on screen for nearly five seasons? Couple that with the fact that not one surviving character was seen giving an emotional eulogy in Bonnie’s honor, apart from Jeremy himself (and even he needed Bonnie’s help to get out the words), and you’ve got yourself a pretty sorry goodbye party for a character that’s kind of already been forgotten, and yet isn’t entirely gone . . .
Compare this to one of the most beautiful, touching, heart-wrenching, aptly-tributary-to-the-life-of-the-character, not-quite-funerals in TVD history, and you’ll see a clear difference . . .
Heck, even ne’er-do-well, Worst-Dad-Ever, Uncle Father John got a better send off than Bonnie!
And then there was the part where everyone kind of ditched the funeral to celebrate Tyler finally coming back.
Life goes on, indeed. Nice knowing ya, Bon-Bon!
Because that’s what this show needs . . . MORE vampires . . .
If Caroline’s romantic reunion with Tyler had you worried that boy toy Jesse wouldn’t be long for this world, you were both right and wrong . . .
We find him on his Professor’s examination table in the final scene of the hour, almost, but not quite, shirtless . . . we’re getting closer . . .
It turns out, Jesse’s having “blacked out” the night before has him concerned about his health. Having quickly surmised that Jesse had vampire blood in his system, Professor
Severus Snape Maxfield instructs Jesse not to worry about his health. He’ll be just fine! . . . Annnnnd then he kills him.
You gotta love college . . .
Next week on TVD, the gang remembers that pesky Silas problem they’ve been dealing with the past few episodes . . .
Until then, Fangbangers!