Hey there, Werebangers! This week on Teen Wolf, our Scooby Gang learned that, when you are fighting an evil fox spirit with a penchant for shoving flies into its enemies orifices, casualties of war are inevitable. And sometimes those casualties might come in the form of people you always assumed would be safe, because they are in the main title sequence of the show . . .
That’s right, boys and girls. Jeff Davis actually went and killed off Allison Argent, one of Teen Wolf’s Big Four, a decision that will undoubtedly alter the feel and dynamic of the show for the rest of its run. Regardless of how you felt about Allison as a character, and the way she was utilized throughout the series (first as a love interest, then as a surprise villain, then as a redemption story, and finally, as wallpaper), Teen Wolf fans cannot doubt the impact of her presence on the show for its past three seasons.
And so, without further adieu, I present to you the episode that will forever go down in Teen Wolf history as Allison Argent’s Swan Song . . .
(It will also go down in history as the episode with Two Stiles! Talk about Double Your Pleasure, Double Your Fun.)
[As always, a big hearty thank you goes out to my screencapping pal Andre, who I think would pull an evil mind controlling fly out of my mouth, if I asked nicely . . . though I suspect he’d do it wearing a surgical glove, and would make certain I’d at least brushed my teeth first.]
Open Your Mouth and Say Ahhhh
“This is more uncomfortable than that time my brother stuck his hand up my ass and merged bodies with me.“
What a fun way to begin an episode! Deaton decides to exorcise Isaac, Aiden and Ethan of their demons the old fashioned way, by sticking his hand down their throat and making them puke them out in the shower. (I guess having the wolves do it themselves would have made it seem like Teen Wolf promotes bulimia?)
Deep Throat 2: Dig Deeper
Speaking of exorcise, Stiles finally mans up and gets his Oni-induced self-tattoo . . .
“Can’t I just get a hickey instead?”
“We meet again.”
“You know, since we are going the whole tattoo route, I was thinking you could give me something a bit more original . . . like Batman or the Abominable Snowman.”
“Or you could just give me the same old boring backwards S everybody else has . . . whichever you think is best.”
. . . thus proving him to no longer be a possessed evil demon, but rather someone with whom many Soap Opera characters can relate: The Guy with the Evil Twin.
“I’m the hot one!”
Speaking of Stiles’ Less Snarky But More Swaggery other half, he’s chillin in the basement of Eichen House with a kidnapped Lydia, trying to charm her with his best nogitsune pickup lines . . .
“Scream for me Lydia,” he coos.
“Check out my cool underground lair that smells like dead people.”
“Your other love interest on this show is probably going to croak. And I look just like him. Isn’t that good enough?”
“I can eat your feelings. Yum! Sexy, sexy!”
“Lydia’s feelings taste like onion rings.”
“Hey, mind if I sniff your neck?”
Fortunately for the Nogitsune, Lydia is no stranger to generalized creepiness, and uncouth sexual advances. After all, she dated Jackson . . .
And Dead Uncle Peter . . .
And This Guy . . .
Come to think of it, Nogitsu-Stiles might very well be her ideal mate!
Preparing for Battle
Around Beacon Hills, our Scooby Crew are all prepping for the showdown of the century. Deputy Parish is speaking cryptically . . .
Derek and Papa Argent are . . . kissing and making up . . .
“You wouldn’t happen to know where I might be able to find a Hallmark card that says, ‘Sorry I doused you in kerosene, because I swallowed an evil bug, would you?”
“I keep a bunch of them in my top drawer just in case.”
“Cool. Would you mind writing one to yourself from me? I haven’t picked up a writing utensil in ten years, and even then it was just to stab someone I didn’t like in the eye.”
Kira and her mom are . . . enjoying Family Game Night.
“When you are 900 years old, you find a lot of new and inventive ways to waste time.”
“If I wanted to waste time, I’d go upstairs and have meaningless lukewarm sex with Scott, not play a more boring version of checkers with you.”
Stiles, Scott and Sheriff Stilinski are paying a visit to everybody’s Second Favorite Banshee, Crazy Meredith, who they figure may have Lydia on her “Friends and Family” plan on her non-working payphone.
“E.T phone home.”
(Why does everybody always assume that all banshees automatically know one another? Isn’t that a little racist?)
Unfortunately, finding Meredith may be easier said than done. After all, like seemingly every other loon in Eichen House, Meredith has figured out that freedom is always just a misplaced shot of Haldol, and an orderly key swipe away . . .
“Rats, foiled again!”
Which you are YOU?
While Lydia endures the creepy company of Nogitsu-Stiles, Real Stiles takes a nap, and awakens petrified that this little snooze, like every other one he’s taken this season was less nap and more EVIL FOX POSSESSION.
“Nope, you were legitimately sleeping this time,” his bro Scott reassures him.
“Hey remember that time you and I were in each other’s arms like this, and you stabbed me with a sword? Good times.”
Stiles seems pretty relieved to hear this good news, except for the fact that he’s now freezing cold and pretty much at death’s door.
A nice healthy Nogitsune Possession is starting to look like a pretty attractive alternative now, isn’t it Stiles?
Speaking of mistaken identity, Allison is forced to ask Isaac whether he was the dude she f*&ked the night before, or if she actually bumped uglies with the psycho fly guy who chained her to the bed the following morning.
Isaac proudly proclaims that it was definitely him who put his weiner inside the Argent vajayjay.
“I totally tapped that ass!”
And that’s really nice for Allison to hear. I mean, no one wants to think they’ve been having sex with bugs . . .
But honestly I’m still a bit skeptical. Let’s recap . . . Isaac was ill in the hospital and unconscious up until that fly invaded his IV. Then his eyes went all firefly yellow, and the next thing you know he’s perfectly healthy in Allison’s bedroom acting oddly quiet, extremely sexually aggressive and way creepier than usual.
I don’t know about you guys, but it sure sounds like Bug Sex to me.
Perhaps, Isaac was just telling Allison what she wanted to hear, because he somehow knew she was shortly headed to the big ole Argent Graveyard in the Sky, and he didn’t want her to die feeling all skeeved out her recent sexual encounter. Nice guy , that Isaac!
Coach Crackhead TO THE RESCUE!
Having somehow wandered all the way from Eichen House to the high school on foot (is this entire town one square mile long?), Meri-Death gets the brilliant idea to sit in on Coach’s Econ class . . . probably because every other teacher in the school has already been murdered, and Coach’s class is the only one left.
“Since Post Nogitsune Stiles is less snarky and more emo broody, I figured the Scooby Gang had an opening in the position of The Quirky One. Is now a good time to apply?”
Eichen House Dickwad, who didn’t even bother to change out of his scrubs before making the trip to school, has some not-so-nice words to say to everyone’s favorite Econ Teacher before barging in to bring Meredith back to the loony bin.
The Pajama Squad
Bad move, Dickwad. You just messed with the wrong gym teacher.
Meredith, meanwhile, is doing what any self-respecting banshee escaped from a mental institution would do. She’s talking to a piano! The problem is that the piano is speaking too quietly, and Meredith can’t hear it.
“Beethoven is that you? Think you could maybe teach me how to play chopsticks?”
And then, just when the piano is finally ready to speak up, in comes Eichen House Dickwad with his trustee taser.
“Torturing mentally disturbed minors is awesome!“
Fortunately for Meredith, Coach Crackhead hates douchebags with tasers . . . and bullies . . and people who curse . . . and the American Healthcare system.
Nighty night, Eichen House Dickwad!
And that was how Coach Crackhead finally became an unofficial member of the Scooby Gang. Here’s hoping they don’t they don’t decide to kill him off next week . ..
Father Knows Best
In other adult news, Allison and Papa Argent shared a nice moment, during which Papa indoctrinated Allison into kind of a neat family tradition of fashioning bullets out of silver. I liked that Allison decided to fashion a silver arrowhead instead, since that has always been her weapon of choice.
One of the cool things about Allison Argent is that, while she remained faithful to her family’s history and ideals, she was never afraid to question them, when they needed questioning, and to chart out her own path, when the old family guidebooks didn’t seem to suit her current situation. As a werewolf hunter, Allison Argent has always been a bit of a pioneer. Sure she stumbled a bit, along the way, was evil for a good portion of the second season, and sometimes seemed more interested in getting laid than getting stuff done. But hey, she’s just a teenager after all. And given that, I’d say she made for a pretty fierce heroine during her lifetime on the show.
Was Allison’s “goodbye” to her father a bit heavy handed, particularly in light of her demise by the end of the episode? Sure! I mean, Allison and her dad pretty much put themselves in harm’s way every episode this season. Why choose now to get all mushy gushy about it? But as an opportunity to showcase the character’s strengths and how much she’s grown since the pilot episode, I think the season was an effective one.
Unlike, say . . . the scene between Scott and his dad . . .
After weeks of speculation, the real Big Secret Scott’s dad had been keeping from his son about why he left was finally revealed. And it was . . . drumroll please . . .
Scott hit his head once when he was a baby, because Scott’s dad was a drunk.
THAT’S IT????! THAT’S THE DEEP DARK SECRET?? WHY THE GUY STAYED AWAY ALL THIS TIME?
Well . . . at least it explains why our True Alpha is so . . . how do I put this kindly? Slow?
Too many knocks to the noggin during one’s pre-adolescent years could cause any kid to end up a few crayons short of a Crayola Box . . .
Speaking of non-sequiturs, elsewhere in Beacon Hills the Alpha Twins almost get murdered by a barrage of wolfsbane-infused bullets, but are rescued by Derek, in a sequence that seems to have absolutely nothing to do with this week’s episode, apart from the possible build-up of a cliffhanger for Season 4.
Change in Ownership
It took Kira playing a silly board game with her mother, and a fake cell phone conversation between Meredith and The Banshee Network for our Scooby Gang to figure out what most fans could have told you back in episode 3 or 4 . . . that the final showdown between the Oni, Nogitsu-Stiles and the Scooby Gang was destined to take place where all this crap began 70 years earlier . . . at Eichen House.
Speaking of complex machinations leading to obvious conclusions, it also appears that Nogitsu-Stiles only captured Lydia so he could figure out when the Oni were close enough for him to break Kira’s mom’s last tail, assigning their ownership from her to him.
Hey Nogitsu-Stiles, I could think of another way you could have figured out when the Oni were close . . . you could have waited until you ACTUALLY SAW THEM . . .
Just saying . .
Complaints aside, I’m not a huge fan of Kira’s mom. I think she’s kind of a b*tch basically. So, I’d be lying if I didn’t cheer just a little bit when Nogitsu-Stiles smiled smarmily at his sort-of / kind-of erstwhile ex girlfriend, while he flaunted her army of former minions in her face. That’s what you get for being cocky, Mommy Dearest.
Time for this week’s fight scene. And ooh, I’ve gotta say, this one is a doozy.
Stiles finds Lydia and to say she is unhappy to be rescued is an understatement. Not that the girl is ungrateful, per say, it’s just that she was pretty confident the death that she was feeling was Nogitsu-Stiles. But now that all her friends are here fighting for her honor, well . . .
Let’s just say she’s rightfully got a bad feeling about this.
While Real Stiles takes a much deserved other nap (Dude really did spend most of this season asleep, didn’t he?) . . .
. . . the rest of the gang takes another shot at the now fully-recharged evil Oni. And they get slaughtered!
“Homework is looking pretty good right now.”
In a surprise twist, Allison figures out, almost by accident that they key to killing the Oni are the same silver-tipped arrowheads she fashioned just hours earlier.
Annnnnd . .. then she gets her tummy sliced in half by an Oni Sword. Isn’t that always how things work out?
A horrified Scott rushes to Allison’s side only to realize that she is basically already gone. He can’t even take away her pain, because she feels nothing. In her tearfully poignant final monologue, Allison declares Scott as her first and always love . . .
(Sorry Isaac! Maybe it would have been better off if she did bone the fly.)
She also pleas that Scott tell her father something . . . but she dies before she can say what that something is. I’m thinking her message for dad has to do with the Oni-killing arrowheads. Allison must have put something different in them to make them the effective weapons they were. I suspect this “secret” will come into play in next week’s finale.
But for now, we mourn Allison Argent, the third member of the Argent clan to meet an untimely demise, and the first to actually die as a pretty darn decent person . . .
Why do I have the terrible feeling that old evil Gramps is going to outlive them all . . .
Next week on Teen Wolf, the Season of Nogitsu-Stiles will reach its stunning conclusion, and another pack member will, unfortunately, kick the wolfsbane bucket.
Any guesses as to which Beacon Hills resident shouldn’t be buying any green bananas?
Until next time,Werebangers!