Oh Derek! You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead! Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.
In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .
. . . to being . . .
. . . tortured and emasculated . . .
. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .
. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .
. . . outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .
. . . your psychotic uncle . . .
. . . the local veterinarian . . .
. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .
. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .
(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear. It could be much, much worse. You could be . . . Boyd.)
Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .
. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths . . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.
When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?
But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him. Because, really, that’s just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]
Bring It On 8 – In it to
win it chew your face off
Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .
But, alas, this is not that universe. In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .
“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”
“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”
While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .
The Potty’s Over
Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?
Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes. And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.
Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .
Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business. But not this guy. This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.
“Is it because you ate the bean burrito? I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”
“Bean burrito this, asshole!”
And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent. (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)
Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands. (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)
I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?
LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”
KIRA: “Wow, you’re good!”
Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going . . .
Adventures in Wolf-Sitting
When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.
Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.
While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.
Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before. Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.
And why not? Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .
Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right? The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .
Then again, maybe not.
You know what this means. Mini-Hulk? Smash!
“You can trust us! We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”
“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”
It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .
Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.
“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”
Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.
During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia. Little Spoon, eh? Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?
Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons. They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’
Speaking of licking things. Malia, repeat after me. “Highlighters are NOT food.”
“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”
During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone. Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop. Ruh Roh!
Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .
It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode. Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!
“Oh look. Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”
This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having. Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble. At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet . . .
Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .
Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe. There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact. Then again, I guess that’s the point. Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.
“Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time . . . again.”
“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers! Let that be a lesson to you!
Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed. You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense). Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.
Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.
“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”
Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.
“Have fun, kids. Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”
Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .
Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies
They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.
I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.
But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.
So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24th birthday.)
What would YOU do Wolfbangers?
For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.
For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..
Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?
Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?
I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?
Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.
The Return of Cousin Miguel
So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?
Always the Little Spoon . . .
Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?
And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!
This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.
And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?
Who knew the guy, who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .
(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)
In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell. And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts. “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right? Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire? He inquires benignly.
“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”
Rats! Foiled again, Scooby Gang. I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .
Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”
Romancing the Tryskelion
They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .
Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!
After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1. (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.
“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.
According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!
Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .
Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.
“Hey! Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend! Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom. Ooh, I’m sorry. Too soon?”
Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon. And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.
Taking off the Training Wheels
The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument. Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power. It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .
“It’s magically delicious!”
Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion. Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it. Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card. The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!
And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.
As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well. I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy. Or did she?
Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone . . .
Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers
Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess. The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends. Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired. This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here? Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.
That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?
Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang. And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go. Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .
“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”
But worry not, Werebangers. Baby Derek is here to save the day!
Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.
This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years . . .
I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .
(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)
Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.
It All Comes Down to the Money
In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that
Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.
(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)
Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far. Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault. It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.
From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!
And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes . . .
“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”
Next time on Teen Wolf . . .
OK. Now, I’m legitimately freaked out. (That poor pussy . . . cat.)
Until next time, Werebangers!