How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

torn up derek 2

Before?

baby der

After?

Oh Derek!  You poor sexy, broody, ripple-pected meathead!  Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.

enjoy suffer

gives me joy

In just three short seasons, your character has gone from being the most masculine, toughest, most mysterious, turn-teenage-girls-to-big-ole-piles-of-mush-iest guy on this show . . .

derek dream 1

ep 9 yeah derek just teenwolf

ep 5 doing the pullups delenasalva21

. . . to being . . .

sleeping der bear

. . . tortured and emasculated .  . .

red eye der

ep 6 alpha

. . . a witness to the repeated destruction of every place you have ever come to call home . . .

awesome der muscle

. . . dethroned as the leader of your own pack . . .

im the alpha

alpha now

. . .  outsmarted by nearly every one on the show, including, but not limited to, your evil wench girlfriends . . .

evil jenny

ep 8 hungry kate

. . . your psychotic uncle . . .

lit your fire

. . . the local veterinarian . . .

cryptic vet

. . . a host of Big Bads of varying levels of intelligence . . .

darach

deucalieyes

smirking gerard

. . . and absolutely the most humiliating of all . . . THIS GUY . . .

no idea what im doing

(But hey, look at the Bright Side, Der Bear.  It could be much, much worse.  You could be . . . Boyd.)

boyd knows

Taking all this into consideration, you could understand why a man like Derek Hale might find himself sitting alone in his ridiculously large, but frighteningly unfurnished, apartment, with more than his fair share of regrets . . .

blue eye der

. . . and why our Anti-Hero (emphasis on the Anti) might actually welcome the opportunity to hit the rewind button on the DVR’ed television episode that is his life . . . embrace a second chance to “just say no” when it came to sleeping with sociopaths .  . . be a better Alpha to the members of his pack . . . read a book every once in a while, so as never to find himself outsmarted by the likes of Scott McCall.

ephemeral

When you put it that way, the premise of “117” actually sounds like a pretty lucky break for our Derek Hale, right?

nodding oh yeah

But, of course, Jeff Davis has to find a way to screw this up for him too . . .

derek sort of

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, a big hearty Muchas Gracias to my pal Andre, who is responsible for all of the amazing screencaps you see here, and who, most certainly, if he was planning to steal $117 million from my secret vault, would at least have the decency to do it himself, as opposed to sending some wackadoos dressed in bear skulls to do his dirty work for him.  Because, really, that’s just lazy . . .not to mention, bad manners]

Bring It On 8 – In it to win it chew your face off

Somewhere out there, there exists an alternate universe where, instead of being stars of their high school basketball and lacrosse teams, respectively, both Derek and Scott are wolfy male cheerleaders, who must consistently battle the urge to chew off their teammates legs, so that they can be more easily lifted into pyramid formation, and occasionally show up to practice with a mouth full of pom-poms, but ultimately wind up making captain, because they literally destroy the competition, and can howl like nobody’s business . . .

 

wiggle gif

cheerocracy

But, alas, this is not that universe.  In our universe, Flashback!Derek is just a boy, sitting in an empty gym locker room, hoping that the very fancy looking hockey puck thing his uncle gave him will somehow convince him not to cannibalize his entire basketball team, before they have the chance to make it to regionals . . .

but it hurts

“Why do I feel like I’ve been here before?”

ep 8 more shower scott 2

“Teen Wolves just looooove locker room showers.”

make it go away

calcon

“Calgon, take me away!”

While we are on the subject of fine young cannibals . . .

The Potty’s Over

Have you ever gotten the impression that Jeff Davis might have a weird obsession with gross public toilets?

bathroom at same time

Because this already the second one we’ve seen this season in as many episodes.  And I’m pretty sure Nasty Potty has made other cameo appearances in past seasons.

gross bathroom

toilet paper

gameovertoiletBig

Once upon a time, in a gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills, a sympathetic gas station attendant gallantly came to the aid of a pretty female, who, from the sounds of it, was experiencing the worst case of Montezuma’s Revenge he had ever heard . . .

smells fishy

Now, a normal gas station attendant would hear the familiar sounds of belabored crapping, and politely make himself scarce until the crapper had completed his or her business.  But not this guy.  This guy was way too interested in the bathroom habits of his customers to just let a few weird sounds slide.

come out come out

“Is it because you ate the bean burrito?  I always tell people not to eat the bean burrito.”

let me poo in peace

“Bean burrito this, asshole!”

And when the mystery lady in the bathroom gently begged him off, the gas station attendant only became more insistent.  (Some boys just can’t take a hint.)

die sucker

Eventually, the gas station attendant won the battle, and the lovely lady exited the bathroom, not even having had time to wash her hands.  (So unsanitary, Kate Argent, especially if you plan to eat with your fingers.)

I mean, really, who knows where this gas station attendant has been?

eww gross

tells me

LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”

KIRA:  “Wow, you’re good!”

Of course, now we have a pretty good idea of where he’s going . . . or, rather not going .  . .

Adventures in Wolf-Sitting

When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.

found him

Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

looks young

“Fresh meat!”

While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.

lydia smirk

“Fresh meat!”

Interesting . . . Lydia never showed any interest in Derek before.  Perhaps, she prefers her men pint-sized and prepubescent.

And why not?  Of the two Dereks, this one seems much more likely to be willing to watch The Notebook with her . . .

ep 5 not watching notebook again

Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right?  The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation . . .

cutting

snip slap

doctor-bot-operation

Then again, maybe not.

You know what this means.  Mini-Hulk?  Smash!

we are your friends

“You can trust us!  We are your friends . . . who sometimes chop you up for fun.”

stop slicing me

“Prepare to die, Doctor Dolittle!”

awww that hurt

It’s Not Easy Being a Little Spoon . . .

Meanwhile, back at school, Stiles is bitching to Scott about how all the rough sex he’s having each night with Malia is marring his baby soft skin.

check out wolf hickey

“Do Malia’s skinny jeans make my ass look fat?”

Scott, whose current Girl Friday’s idea of hot foreplay is a friendly back pat, is slightly less than sympathetic to his friend’s plight.

blue balls

During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia.  Little Spoon, eh?  Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?

always little

little spoon

“Fork me?”

Personally, I always preferred Little Spoons to Big Spoons.  They make things last longer, and always make you feel like you have more to lick. . . just sayin.’

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Speaking of licking things.  Malia, repeat after me.  “Highlighters are NOT food.”

nom nom highlighter

“If I close my eyes, this highlighter tastes a little like Lydia’s leg.”

During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.  Apparently, Little Derek has grown tired of being Deaton’s human pin cushion, and flown the coop.  Ruh Roh!

going to die

Home is where your years of future therapy begin . . .

It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode.  Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!

welcome to the old apartment

“Oh look.  Mom refurnished the place, and installed a new sunroof.”

This is just the kind of day, Baby Der is having.  Wake up in a sarcophagus in Mexico, suffering from amnesia, wake up again to find some strange black guy trying to slit your wrists, go back to your house only to find that (1) your entire family has disappeared, and (2) the home where you grew up has been reduced to a pile of rubble.  At this point, nothing bad is going to surprise this poor kid . . . not a nuclear apocalypse, nor a zombie invasion, nor the fact that a 30-something year old woman bones him regularly, despite the fact that he looks about twelve, and his voice hasn’t changed yet  . . .

ep 11 the lick

Speaking of which, something tells me that if I pull up the Beacon Hills registered sex offender list, I’m going to find this woman’s face on it . . .

Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.  There’s just something about knowing that Derek Hale looked a whole lot less like Tyler Hoechlin back then, and a whole lot more like this little guy, that just adds a whole new layer of ick to this now well-known fact.  Then again, I guess that’s the point.   Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

chick flicks baby der

“Like a virgin.   Touched for the very first time . . . again.”

“I swear he/she looked like Tyler Hoechlin,” is no excuse for statutory rape, Werebangers!  Let that be a lesson to you!

Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.  You can imagine Papa Stilinski’s surprise when the little guys prints show up as a match for none other than That Hot Guy Who Sometimes Hangs Out with His Son (though, unfortunately, not in the biblical sense).  Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion.

this hunk

Note that the “Date of Birth” field is conveniently blank.

whoare you

“Note to self: lay off the ganja.”

Throwing up his hands in defeat, Sheriff Stilinski ultimately releases Mini Der to his son and his pal, thinking that this will be the best way to keep the tot safe.

its not what it looks like

“Have fun, kids.  Try not to get possessed, mauled, turned into an animal, or eaten!”

Hey, no one ever said Sheriff Stilinski was a genius . . .

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

They say that ignorance is bliss. It’s a maxim that no one knows better than Scott, himself.

trademark scott face

I mean, sure, the Derek of yesteryear is painfully naïve, unknowlegable about the ways of the world, and highly vulnerable to becoming a sex slave / mindless minion to a woman who literally eats bathroom attendants for breakfast . . . well, maybe dinner.

derek sort of

But he’s happy, right? I mean, the kid actually smiles every once in a while, something I’m not sure I’ve actually seen “Old” Derek do since somewhere around Episode 2 of the first season.

ep 12 derek smile bitten by gif

So what’s a loyal Scooby Gang member to do? Do they come clean to Derek about the massive sh*t show his life has become over the past eight or so years, most definitely re-scarring him for life, possibly worse than before . . . (because Baby Derek hasn’t quite perfected his trademark Brood!Face enough to endure all this pain)? Or do they simply keep their mouths shut, and wait for Little Der Bear to figure things out on his own? (Hopefully, some time before his second 24th birthday.)

think matt is evil

What would YOU do Wolfbangers?

For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

hi stiles

Hooray!

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

For those of you that said, “Scar Baby Der for life,” well . . . I hear This Guy is short a few pack members . ..

destroyer of worlds

Having decided how to cope with Derek’s brain, the second decision the Scoobies must make has to do with his body. Specifically, how will they manage to hide Derek Hale’s own personal Mini Me from the Evil Sex Pot Were Jaguar who is already on his tail?

balam

Hey, I’ve got an idea, what don’t they bring him to the first place Kate would look? Scott’s house. That’s a pretty clever idea, right?

draco malfoy facepalm

I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?

sexing

artschool sexy time

Yeah . . . that’s what I thought.

The Return of Cousin Miguel

So, Werebangers, remember that time, back in Season 1, where Stiles needed his homosexual frenemy Danny to break into a few cell phones for him, and decided the best way to win the cell phone hacker’s loyalty was to pimp out the sexiest male he knew?

ep 9 derek stiles

wall smash

Always the Little Spoon . . .

Better yet, remember how Derek reluctantly pretended to be Stiles’ Spanish cousin Miguel, and started wearing his shirts?

ep 9 more taking off shirt rachiebeberz

Good times!

And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!

mischeivous stiles

This fantasy memory ends up coming in surprisingly handy, when Scott’s dad (yeah, he’s still around), asks some pointed questions about the Derek-like individual suddenly hanging around the house. “He’s my cousin, Miguel . . . from Mexico,” Stiles offers smugly, giving the audience a knowing wink.

cousin mig from mex

And while things get a little hairy (no pun intended) when Bad Dad McCall attempts to engage “Miguel” in a little conversacion de Espanol, Baby Derek shows himself to be surprisingly fluent in the language?

la loba tell

Who knew the guy,  who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .

(Well . . . I guess Some People knew . . .)

kiddy kisses

 

mack 2

mackin (1)

In addition to being more adept than his older alter ego in the Languages of Romance, Little Der also, apparently, has a rather acute sense of smell.  And he is starting to smell a rat, when it comes to Scott’s and Stiles’ half-assed explanation of his family’s whereabouts.  “Mr. McCall, you’re a detective, right?  Do you know anything about the Hale House Fire?  He inquires benignly.

como se

“Hey, I have the Season 1 DVD of Teen Wolf upstairs, if you want to watch with me?”

Rats!  Foiled again, Scooby Gang.  I knew you should have taken Cousin Miguel back to Stiles’ bedroom where he belonged . . .

big sterek 2

Having been seemingly lied to and betrayed by his supposed new friends, and devastated to experience the loss of his family all over again, Baby Der is jumping out the window into Evil Kate’s waiting arms, faster than you can say, “This shirt no fit.”

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

Romancing the Tryskelion

They say that when you are in Rome, you should do as the Romans do (or, to be more politically correct), the Italians. And so, in the vein of this clichéd advise, when faced with a devious Big Bad, who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang, Scott and Co. decide to seek help from the other devious Big Bad who rises from the dead and occasionally kidnaps and uses age inappropriate sexuality to manipulate friends of the Scooby Gang . . .

always been the alpha

Oh, hello Peter! We missed you last week!

After getting over the initial shock of the dual realization that (1) his once burly nephew, could now easily pass for a member of One Direction; (2) his valiant attempt to murder Kate Argent only succeeded in making her a more heinously evil, dangerously destructive, bitch than she was back in Season 1.  (Talk about a Super Villain Fail!), Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.

foiled

“It’s all about the Tryskelion,” Peter exclaims triumphantly.

According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this  . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!

hockey puck toy

Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .

Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

open ses

“Open Sesame!”

place to makeout

“Hey!  Cool makeout spot, underage boyfriend!  Maybe next time we can do it in your parents bedroom.  Ooh, I’m sorry.  Too soon?”

Like a good potty-trained puppy, Derek Hale obeys, his past self still convinced that the Tryskelion is the magical key to keeping one’s cool during the full moon.  And that, my dear Werebangers, is precisely where our Scooby Gang finds the age-inappropriate coupling.

save you

Taking off the Training Wheels

The human mind is a pretty remarkable instrument.  Sometimes true belief in a person, a place, an object, a superstition, a lucky talisman, is enough to give that thing tremendous power.  It’s also what keeps the lucky charm industry in business . . .

lucky charms guy

“It’s magically delicious!”

Up until this point, both Derek and Peter have shown much reverence for the Tryskelion.  Derek tattoed it to his body, and used it to label the box with his dead mom’s gross nails in it.  Peter used the symbol as his murdery calling card.  The two men chose to bury the damn thing in a secret safe under the high school, for crying out loud!

5 derek 5

And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.

sucka

“Suckaaaa!”

arrh

As you can imagine, Kate Argent doesn’t take this news all too well.  I mean, she didn’t spend a week with a Baby Der in a gross coffin, and go through all this trouble, just to get a dumb toy.  Or did she?

coy kate

Because, as the Scooby Gang will learn in the next few minutes, Kate didn’t head off to her fool’s errand alone   . .  .

Goldi-Scott and the Three Berserkers

Have ugly Bear Skull Face, will travel . . . I guess.  The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends.   Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired.  This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here?  Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.

mama bear

Papa Bear

mama bear

Mama Bear

bear in supermarket

Baby Bear

That said, the idea of a Berserker road trip across the border would make for a rather awesome Teen Wolf min-series spinoff, don’t you think?

Anywhoo, the Berserkers head out for round two against Scott’s Scooby Gang.  And it goes pretty much, as you would expect it to go.  Namely, the Berserkers totally dominate, and Scott and his friends get their barely legal young and perky asses handed to them . . .

bab head massagee swordplay wantmore

“That’s what you get for crashing our pad, and eating our oatmeal, Goldi-Scott!”

But worry not, Werebangers.   Baby Derek is here to save the day!

figh t off ompress

Wait . . . did I say Baby Derek, I meant actual Derek.

rage rage again

He’s baaaaaaack!

This just goes to show you that there is nothing like battling a bunch of Bear Skull Heads to remind you that you haven’t been a teenage boy for about eight years .  . .

I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .

yellow eyes

(But personally, I just think it was because the episode was ending, and Jeff Davis didn’t want to risk having Tyler Hoechlin absent for another full hour . . .)

Whatever the real reason, all appeared to be back to normal in Beacon Hills . . . well . . . almost.

It All Comes Down to the Money

In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming, Peter Hale heads to his secret vault at the back of the school and learns that Goldilocks has been eating his porridge! Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.

stole my money

(Hey Peter, ever hear of a bank?)

Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far.  Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault.  It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.

carebear stareee

“Berserkers STARE!”

From the time travel, to the classic case of misdirection, Kate and her adorable bears may have just pulled off the greatest heist in Teen Wolf history!

And now that she has some cash, maybe she can finally buy her pet Berserkers some new clothes .  . .

hiya

“I could really go for a pair of leather pants.”

Next time on Teen Wolf . . .

OK.  Now, I’m legitimately freaked out.  (That poor pussy . . . cat.)

Until next time, Werebangers!

stiles with wolf hat

4 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

4 responses to “How Derek Hale Got His Groove Back – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “117”

  1. East Coast Captain

    Turning Derek back into a boy was dumb but strangely funny. I had a few good laughs.

    That true Alpha storyline I don’t get it. A better storyline would have been Scott even accidentally killing one of the Alphas and having to live with that guilt but Davis probably thinks we couldn’t handle that.

    The only explanation I can think of for the age regression is the Aztec temple. Those guys were building grand structures when…when the Northern Europeans were being conquered by Rome. You have temples and other structures in America older than some of the landmarks in Europe. It was probably some magical place.

    And where would Peter get 117 million dollars? Family inheritance? He robbed a bank?

  2. Andre

    Ok, it took me a lot longer to comment this time, but here I am.

    A funny little nitpick for starters:
    While the actor playing younger Derek managed to do the same amount of Derek blandness that Hoechlin usually produces, did you notice that not only his hair is a different color than Hoechlin’s but his eyes as well?

    Jeff Davis has most certainly not been kind to you.
    Of course not, he has to promote Scott as the latino smart guy and main hero of the show. Sure he failed completely but apparently he is still trying.
    And as for him sinking so low: Well Davis & Co apparently don’t know much about character consistency or normal human behavior.

    But before I go further: Why is this episode called “117”? Does that have any American significance? Apart from the money stolen at the end I mean. If that was everything then the naming of the title was even worse than with Lone Ranger, Godzilla or 47 Ronin.

    Now, the moment I saw Derek screaming how control should be easier for born wolves I thought “Jeff Davis is making this up now as he goes along, doesn’t he?”
    That when you are born a demon-elf the control is easier was the premise of season 1, so why is it different now? Plus, even if the chant thing didn’t work for Derek, why did we see no such thing for the other teens in this show? Where exactly was that in season 1 when Scott could have used it? Or in season 2 with his new pack? This is clearly something they made up now since it makes Derek look dumber and dumber. Which really is saying a lot, and there was a lot more in the episode, so making Derek even dumber is starting to become an effort as it seems.

    And the gas station somewhere between Mexico and Beacon Hills is actually meant to be in or close Beacon Hills since later Lydia and Kira are there pretty randomly.
    And apparently there must be some airborn virus in this universe now that makes everyone act like idiots and stereotypes most of the time. After all the attendant apparently is so stereotypical that when he hears growling, which really can’t be from a human, he asks whether there is a person in there who is ok. That is really stupid.
    And when I saw Kate being revealed I instantly had the feeling that Kate now falls into the especially conflicted werewolf category… Where have I heard that before? Oh, yeah for female shapeshifters, when they are main characters I might add, this is pretty common. They are either especially monstrous or especially conflicted, no matter whether it makes sense or not.
    Plus she is definitely a cat… hurray for gender stereotyping!!!!

    Albeit she sounds nothing like a cat… yeah, I will get to that later.

    LYDIA: “My banshee senses tell me this man is dead . . .”
    Isn’t it astounding how Lydia’s death sense works always in a way that it is convenient for the plot?

    Plus. Wow, the flies and scavengers of Beacon Hills must be incredibly polite, not to be all over the place in that bathroom.

    When we last left Mini-Derek, he had just been rescued from that weird Aztec temple somewhere in Mexico.
    Now, he’s back home in Beacon Hills, and taking a nap on the operating table of everyone’s favorite local veterinarian.

    Does Stiles car, respectively Kate’s, have supersonic speed or how did they get so fast to Beacon Hills? They were in Mexico the other day! Ok, granted Mexico borders on California but… yeah maybe this would not bother me if we would know where Beacon Hills actually is!!!! Not to mention how did all of them fit into Stiles’ car?
    And really it didn’t stop there:
    Why does Deaton think Kate won’t be able to get in? Not only can Scott do it all the time, btw. is the barrier selective? But last episode they asked themselves whether Kate is actually a werewolf and considered that they broke the rules with Malia already and Jackson apparently in Kanaima played by different rules, what makes them think Kate plays by werewolf rules? They don’t know her power level and we saw last season, they all did, that the barrier can be broken by brute force.

    While the rest of the Scooby Gang heads home to nurse their Mexican hangovers and obtain some much-needed shut eye, Lydia volunteers to stick around and hold Der Bear’s hand while he sleeps.
    On one hand Lydia has a death sense, so Stiles is kind of sexist for not wanting her there, granted he was so earlier already, not hitting girls just because they are girls is sexist, not necessarily misogyny but sexism it is. On the other hand Derek is a werewolf and could easily kill her and Deaton and so far she has no actually offensive or defensive powers and they have 3 morons in their group who have those, and none of them is around… so why actually did they think it’s a good idea to leave Lydia there as a protection/guard? Stiles would be a better choice, at least he has used a weapon in this show before. What fighting experience does Lydia have?

    Now, Deaton, he’s a pretty trustworthy guy, right? The type of guy who would never take advantage of a sleeping little Derek by say, treating him like a life-sized version of Operation
    Also would the lower arm really be such a good place to test healing abilities? What if it was the reverse effect? Wouldn’t he have risked Derek bleeding to death then?
    Also why did Derek’s wolf vision looks so weird? It never looked like that with anyone.
    Also since when do you measure heart rate by feeling the pulse? The guy is a doctor after all, he has better material than that.

    During this week’s installment of Teen Wolf we learn that Stiles is the perpetual Little Spoon in his budding relationship with Malia. Little Spoon, eh? Is that the PG-rated equivalent of a power bottom?
    As if Davis would ever dare to go there. Remember you didn’t even get anything from his token gays.
    What all of this really means is that the stuff that Malia is doing is not dating, it’s stalking. So she is a walking talking plothole, her and Stiles having sex is pedophilic and now her stalker tendencies are romanticized. You know would this be an actual horror show, Stiles would be back in Eichenhouse by now. Or dead.
    And like you said: Having sex with a teenager when you are an adult is no less wrong if the kid looks 24, than if the kid looks 12.

    Speaking of licking things. Malia, repeat after me. “Highlighters are NOT food.”
    You know at first I thought she was highlighting stuff but later it looked as though all she did was drawing things. Isn’t she lacking behind already? Plus how did she even get in this school if she has no papers regarding school live? But who cares right? This show is turning more and more into a run-of-the-mill teen show anyway. Isn’t it great?

    Plus, why was she later there with Scott at Peter’s loft? Because of plot convenience. After all, when has she ever cared about Scott?

    During history class, Scott and company receive a very disconcerting message from Lydia, care of Kira’s dad’s cell phone.
    Three things that are wrong with this scene:
    1) We cannot have an Asian guy in a position of actual power without humiliating him can we?
    2) How does Kira know that this was her father’s phone? That thing sounded pretty average.
    3) How did Lydia/Deaton know the number of Kira’s father? Has Jennifer back in the days done an after school course on hacking and stalking?

    Also since we are at the topic of the local Asian stereotypes:
    Will they ever even remotely think about asking Noshiko? I know she is dumber than Derek, but maybe, just maybe, she picked up something in her allegedly nearly 900 years. I mean I am just saying.

    It only took them about ten years, but, apparently, the Beacon Hills government has finally ordered the demolition of the Kevorkianesque Deathtrap that was Derek Hale’s humble abode. Just imagine all the housing code violations you’d find in that colonial style casa!
    And not only that, but apparently they moved the house before that since now it’s in a completely different location.
    Plus now they thought of demolishing that old ruin? That is convenient. Maybe this show should be renamed into “Plot convenience – the series
    Not to mention that this the “wolf goes back to his den” by Scott was as idiotic as always, at least Lydia was the one thinking about the Hale house.

    Yes, I know, I know, the fact that Kate Argent and Derek Hale “knew one another biblically,” when the latter was still a minor, is not exactly a new revelation in the Teen Wolf universe.
    Also, while it’s technically true that no one ever told Scott that Derek and Kate boned each other, but considered all the clues, the writers once again made him an idiot for not at least guessing that fact.

    Upon being carted off to the local PD, Baby Der gets paw printed.
    Oh yeah by good cop stereotype and bad cop stereotype doing their usual good cop bad cop routine. Plus what is it with the youth joke about the deputy? If you honestly think this guy is younger than his mid-twenties you are dumb. Also were the cops just conveniently there?
    Also in that scene we see how either bad or good that new actor is:
    This guy is seriously getting Derek right, despite allegedly being devastated his face is incredibly bland and is quite calm within the ruins of his house.
    Plus he is so stupid that it never occurred to him that the local family of wolf-hunters might be responsible for it.
    And if this weren’t enough: They managed to get him into the station? Are these supercops now? Seriously, they just tazed him (or more precise bad cop did, for some reason) and not drug him. Seriously considered his past Derek is oddly calm isn’t he?
    And at this I was already saying to myself:
    I know Peter is an ass and a sociopath, but maybe these idiots should call him, at least his face would be somewhat recognizable to Derek and he would be able to convince him. I mean Cora is of course never mentioned again, so she probably doesn’t exist anymore.

    Of course, he’s much less surprised than he would be a few months back, you know, before his son was possessed by an evil Japanese spirit who considered wrapping toilet paper around your face to be the height of men’s fashion
    Yeah, Juli, remember time passes slower in the show, months for you is only weeks for them. Actually I doubt Derek was kidnapped more than a month ago. Considering the writers of the show, the whole kidnap might have been the other week.

    And since both Scott and Stiles are shouting exposition at the sheriff:
    Derek was buried in wolfsbane? Didn’t they always say that this stuff was lethal? Plus, they couldn’t come up with some other plant?
    I get the feeling that in this show wolfsbane is turning into Smallville’s kryptonite, a convenient plotdevice to get pretty much everything happening.
    At least the sheriff’s reaction was funny.

    PS. Shouldn’t Scott’s eyes be red instead of orange? Plus if Davis would be a good writer he would have used the whole “I am not talking to Stiles” to show Derek’s racism.

    What would YOU do Wolfbangers?
    For those of you that said “Keep Derek dumb,” consider yourself an honorary member of Scott’s pack.

    You know what the bigger problem is? This:
    So now Scott can lie so convincingly that Derek believes him? When has he learned to do that? The guy needs ages to figure things out, so what the heck? How did that work? How can this guy be so in control of his body that he can lie and his heart doesn’t even move a bit up?

    I expected such poor critical thinking skills from Scott, but Stiles? Lydia? Where have your brains been lately?
    It’s official. The sex with werecreatures has infected them with the same virus that causes idiocy. Wouldn’t it have been smarter to have Derek be at Stiles’s house instead in the one with the FBI agent being in on nothing? Seriously, earlier in the episode when we see that Scott came home (so now, the house needs repairs, well maybe they would be able to hire someone if they would not spend all their money on Scott’s clothes and bike) we learn that they told his dad that they were on a camping trip. Seriously? Also does all of this suggest that his dad is still not in on the magic stuff? His dad has been stabbed by a ninja and magically healed and they still do not tell him?
    Well if he believes that I think we know where Scott got his idiocy from.
    And didn’t they tell Mrs. McCall either? Since in Derek’s situation some actual medical equipment might be handy.

    And while Baby Derek, might not remember getting acquainted with Stiles shirts “in the biblical sense,” Stiles sure does!
    I have the feeling that you would like this:

    Who knew the guy, who, two seasons ago, didn’t know that the Spanish word for “She Wolf” was “La Loba,” had such a talented tongue . . .
    This is one of the many cases of evidence showing that they make this stuff up as they go along:
    Basically both Scott’s Anglo-American dad (which some people will probably see as Latino now due to the actor playing him) and Derek are more Mexican than Scott, the alleged Mexican of the show. Wow this show is so incredibly well thought out and so progressive in absolutely every way it should get an award:

    Plus why does Derek speak Spanish suddenly? I don’t think the Latino scare was so strong back then that they had to learn Spanish in school.

    Peter quickly pieces together a pretty logical guess as to Kate Argent’s nefarious plans, and how they involve our newly pint-sized Der Bear.
    At least one person has some brain this episode, it’s still pure plotconvenience though (all others once again got dumped down so Scott can be the hero).
    Which might be because this episode was not written by Jeff Davis.

    According to our resident Satan-in-a-V-Neck, the sometimes Smurf-Faced La Loba went through all the trouble to kidnap Derek, bring him to a temple in Mexico, bring his body and consciousness back to a time in his life when he still trusted her (though we still have no freaking clue how she managed to do this . . .), and get him back to Beacon Hills, all so that he can pick her up that pretty decorative paper weight we saw him holding in the first scene of the episode!
    Riiight . . . because that makes total sense . . .
    Anywhoo, all signs (at least, initially) point to Peter’s supposition being correct, when we find Kate and Derek Hale The Prequel standing in front of Beacon Hills High, where Kate (grossly) sucks face with him a little bit, before persistently begging him to open the secret tomb beneath which the infamous Tryskelion is hiding.

    A few problems:
    1) Wouldn’t it have been easier to manipulate Derek telepathically if all she wanted was for him to trust her? Just claw his neck and get the info out of there! You can’t even say that it only works with Alphas since Derek accidently injected Jackson with memories back in season 1. And even if mindreading is only for Alphas… so what? Kate couldn’t find one?
    2) Why can Kate not control the shift? Plus why isn’t it murder if it’s done in a frenzy?
    3) Also Kate must have been resurrected about 1 year ago and she still cannot control her shift? Why? There must be plenty of other werewolves around. This makes no sense.
    4) No one ever noticed that vault under the school? Wow, construction in Beacon Hills sucks. Seriously that Vault is fricking huge.

    And yet, despite all that, this week we learn that the Tryskelion pendant is nothing than a lucky rabbits foot for werewolves, a set of wolfy training wheels the Hale family used to teach their wolf cubs how to endure the full moon, before they were mature enough to endure the massive hormone f*&k of the full moon . . . or, in Derek’s case, until his life sucked enough for him to be able to harness his anger into a more socially acceptable form.
    And Peter has the great idea to tell Kate all that and thereby possibly teaching her how to gain control, as if she wasn’t dangerous enough, plus this was so obviously a ruse by the writers.

    The last time we saw these Berserker things, they were chilling in Mexico, sipping Margaritas through their skull masks, and terrorizing dumb tourists, like Scott and his friends. Now, they are hanging out near Beacon Hills high school, where the nightlife leaves a bit more to be desired. This, of course, begs the question, how did they get here? Because something tells me the busdrivers working for Greyhound wouldn’t be too keen on letting a bunch of monster-looking guys with dirty clothes, store their bear skins and skull masks in the overhead compartment.
    That is a berserker? That thing? That is the biggest joke this show ever had. When I heard it I literally laughed out loud at the ridiculousness. Not to mention, they stated berserkers are part bear last season, does that sound like a bear? Currently all these supes sound pretty much alike. First the werewolves, then Malia, then Kate and now these guys. Is it so difficult for them to get jaguar and bear roars? It isn’t, trust me:
    Jaguar roaring:

    Bear roaring:

    Plus, didn’t they say last season that berserkers are out of control and are always raging? What is this then a Vulcan berserker? Or is it a descent of Derek or maybe Bella Swan?
    I have nothing against reimagining things, but not only does it look ridiculous, it looks like a second hand action figure and it contradicts what they stated before.
    There is of course a lot more wrong with this:
    1) Is these things are so dangerous that one alone could beat these three doofuses how could Mr. Argent kill one back then? Also, wasn’t Scott able to scare one by just roaring last episode? Why doesn’t he do that now?
    2) Slow motion does not heighten action by default, and surely not suspense, it actually lowers it
    3) I guess their skulls might be bear skulls, but either way it looks stupid.
    4) Also isn’t it astounding that these rabid killers still wear pants?
    5) Malia (oh my gosh the name is nearly identical to Talia) why don’t you use claws and fangs?
    6) Also considered how the skulls are positioned, how do they see anything?
    7) Man did the allegedly badass kitsune look silly. Seriously, Kira is neither a fox, nor badass or anything else Lydia claimed about her. She is an Asian stereotype but I am sure tons of people will praise Teen Wolf for being so incredibly progressive.
    8) So werewolf claws that can go through metal do not bother these guys but a katana does? Ok, in the end it didn’t but why on earth where they backing down at first except for plotconvenience?

    But worry not, Werebangers. Baby Derek is here to save the day!
    So the other three combined, technically four, could not do anything against the berserkers, but teenage Derek suddenly can?
    In season 1 Peter alone was so strong that he could catch Beta-Derek’s fist and make him kneel by nearly crushing it. And now Derek is stronger than Scott? How? The rage bullshit again? Also that “wall hitting” clip they showed from season 2 was when he was an Alpha. Seriously, they retcon this stuff now, to make their idiotic plots work.

    I suspect we are supposed to think that it was Derek’s “harnessing his anger,” that caused him to “become a man” again, and his selfless battle on behalf of the Scooby Gang, despite their betrayal, caused him to regain his yellow-eyed innocence . . .
    Shifting back or not, that is pure plotconvenience and nothing else. And why are his eyes suddenly yellow? Did they retcon that his girlfriend is dead?

    And again, these oh so dangerous berserkers just leave now? Why is anyone scared of those? Where their bear skulls from a bear like this?

    In a last minute episode twist that no one saw coming,
    I saw it. The whole thing was too stupid to be just about Kate. Plus they nearly always had two villains per season, except 3b, so of course the second one would be introduced somehow soon.

    Kate and her Merry Band of Berserkers just stole the $117 million in bonds he was hiding there.
    I don’t think it was them Juli. A new person did it. Unless even the granades and all were a ruse, but where is the evidence for that?

    Though this doesn’t even begin to explain the most mind-f*$king mystery of this episode (I.E. How did Kate change Derek into a teenager in the first place?), it does go a long way toward explaining Kate’s MO thus far. Most notably, it explains why Kate went through all the trouble of carting Derek to Mexico, and changing him into a teen, just to get into that stupid vault. It also explains why the vault was there in the first place, and why the Berserkers, i.e. the new orgy of men in Kate’s life, seemed to appear on the scene around the same time she did.
    Actually not really. Like I said: she could have just clawed herself into Derek’s brain. Also it didn’t look as though she was in league with that other person. If she was then the writers made this scene where she leaves when he/she arrives as a way to trick the viewers.
    This would only be an explanation how Derek paid for his loft, but now we not only have to ask ourselves how they amassed that wealth but also see another unquestioned rich guy.
    Not to mention that both have that much money and Derek still lived in that dirty loft?
    Plus what sort of building was that anyway if no one else lives in there.

    Now all in all, while this episode was not as bad as the first one from this season (possibly because it wasn’t Davis who wrote it), it is still incredibly stupid, clichéd and has a lot of plotholes. It simply isn’t painfully bad, it is just boring and made my eyes role at all of this incompetence.

  3. East Coast Captain

    I’m imagining Teen Wolf written for adults in a network like AMC or FX. A lot of cliches really. Tomorrow premiers The Strain, a supernatural show made for adults. Be warned it’s not for the faint of heart. It’s insidious and terrifying. What is Malia’s role anyway? She’s essentially eye candy. Kate was a good villain they should have left her dead, her time expired. Davis should have more imagination. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again I think Davis will break his no vampire rule. It’s like they are making things up as they go along.

    Again what is so special about the ”True Alpha” he’s just like any other Alpha except he cheated to get there. A better story would have been Scott killing one of the Alphas from last season even accidentally and living with that guilt. Drama Davis that’s called Drama!

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