This was a pretty bloody one, Werebangers! It appears that no one was safe from the Grim Reaper’s mighty scythe this week on Teen Wolf ...
Not these rejected extras from the cast of Sons of Anarchy . . .
Or this unfortunate pack of nomadic hippy Buddhist werewolves (who inexplicably cobbled enough money to send one of their own to Prep SCHOOL?) . . .
I guess selling alcohol to minors is a more lucrative undertaking than we thought . . .
Not Beacon Hill’s increasingly sparse population of cops (which may be a bit of a secret relief to Sheriff Stilinski, seeing as the entire station house looks roughly the size of a bathroom) . . .
Or loveable, possibly autistic, banshees with really cool hair . . .
And certainly not Evil!Macauley Culkin . . .
. . . and his EVIL-I-ER girlfriend . . .
But all was not Doom and Gloom in this week’s episode entitled “Orphaned” . . .
There were golden farts . . . (which, BTW, are way funnier than clear farts)
And happy reunions . . .
And there was hugging . . .
. . . lots . . .
. . . and lots . . .
. . . of hugging . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty shout out to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here. Capturing all 31 Flavors of Scott McCall’s Confused Facial Expressions is by no means an easy job! But someone has to do it.]
There’s Just Something About a Mixtape . . .
More impressive than anything else that happened in this episode, to me, anyway, was the fact that someone on Teen Wolf’s production crew was able to find (1) a store that still sells cassette tapes; and even more shocking, (2) a car with a built in tape deck.
Screw the Deadpool! That jalopy Kate was sleeping in was clearly a classic. She could have raked in some serious G’s selling that thing!
And while Kate at least seems old enough that she would know what to do with the strange clear plastic rectangle placed before her while she slept . . .
Not born yesterday . . .
I’m thinking the highly specific instructions on the tape . . .
. . . came in very handy for Evil!Macauley and Co., who probably assumed they had inadvertently stumbled upon the protype for the iPhone 6.
Psst! Jeff Davis, your age is showing . . .
And while I like to consider myself more a descendant of the MP3 Generation (OK . . . so, maybe I’m more of a Compact Disc Child, but there’s no need to point fingers.), I must admit there’s something a bit more personal about a lovingly compiled mixtape, than the “cool playlist” you uploaded to all your Facebook Friends on the cloud last week, in less than three minutes. For one thing, mixtapes make it that much more difficult to ignore your friends’ and significant others’ more idiosyncratic music tastes . . .
“If I have to fast forward through another Justin Bieber song, I’m going to scream!”
But I digress . . . a lot . . .
This week’s Teen Wolf episode opens to a flashback to 25 years earlier, when people still used cassette tapes four weeks earlier, when Hobo Kate woke up in a run-down sports car on a rainy night to find a new tape in her heretofore completely ignored tape deck . . .
Undoubtedly eager to hear some new Werejaguar Workout tunes, Kate quickly slips the tape into the cassette deck and presses “play.”
So, of course, you could imagine how pissed off she is to find that the substance of the tape is much less “Jock Jams” and much more “National Geographic: Werewolf Edition,” complete with the trademark sleepy voice of some guy straight out of central voiceover casting for The Discovery Channel . . .
Kate’s out for REVENGE!
So, she text messages all her cuddly bear friends . . .
And the group head out on an Assassin Murder Spree . . .
“Who made me this crappy mixtape, that doesn’t include a single song by Katy Perry?” She demands furiously! (Come on, we all know Kate’s a big fan of “Roar.”)
The Biker dudes are clueless, offering up only the fairly unhelpful informational tidbit that Evil!Macauley received the same mixtape, and was equally annoyed because it included no songs by One Direction.
So Kate and the Bad News Bears eviscerate their asses. (But in Papa Bear’s defense, he at least looks like he feels kind of guilty about it . . .)
“Poor guy! He had great style. Remind me to ask Mason what gets blood stains out of leather?”
Little Orphan Violet
You ever see the straight-to-video sequel to Annie, where Annie’s slightly less nauseatingly adorable bunkmate Violet gets told by Miss Hannigan to “make these floors shine like the top of the Chrysler Building” one too many times, and decapitates her drunk ass with a thermal cut wire, before escaping the orphanage to seek vengeance on evil adults everywhere?
Your loss. That was a damn good movie!
Back at school, Violet gets an evil glint in her eye, when she finds herself getting strong-armed by Deputy Parrish, a.k.a. Jordan Parrish, and it’s not just because he looked so good naked in the promos . . .
He’s on the Deadpool! And worth a cool $5 million.
Papa McCall takes this opportunity to taunt Violet about her parent-less-ness, as he offers a paternal wink back at his son Scott, perhaps, reminding him that having a “sh*tty, alcoholic, absentee dad,” is way better than having no dad at all . . . kind of . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Vet . . .
Is it Rabies? Because it kind of looks like Rabies . . .
Douchebag Brett is naked on Deaton’s operating table. (Hey Deaton, how are you getting all the hot males to disrobe for you?) He’s frothing at the mouth, and seizing something fierce. Stiles and Derek are trying to hold him down, but failing miserably, because Kate has kidnapped Derek’s Were Balls, and Stiles is . . . well . . . Stiles.
It just occurred to me that these two haven’t had the opportunity to share much screentime of late, so it’s kind of nice to see them grunting and sweating on each other, for old time’s sake . . .
Then, Peter comes and clocks Douchebag Brett in the face, like it’s his job . . .
Derek seems suspicious. Then again, maybe he’s just jealous of Peter’s hypnotic baby blues . . .
“You have beautiful eyes. I used to have beautiful eyes, before I had slightly less beautiful red eyes . . . and then I had beautiful blue eyes again (Sniffle).”
Deaton then takes the opportunity to cut into Douchebag Brett’s tummy and emit a noxious gas.
Too much Taco Bell?
“Three things that don’t wish to be hidden, the Sun, the Moon, the Truth,” Douchebag Brett chants . . .
Hey, Werebangers, that sounds like the annoying catch phrase of the about-to-be-killed? Doesn’t it?
Deaton remarks that the phrase is actually Buddhist, which causes Derek to make the connection between these targeted werewolves, and the only over 18 Asian woman he knows, aside from Kira’s mom . . .
Derek, that’s a little racist. I’m not going to lie . ..
Mo Money, Mo Problems . . .
Back at school, Scott finds Evil!Macauley’s Deadpool stash conveniently hidden in his gym locker. (Dude was a professional assassin, but didn’t think to invest in a safe deposit box for his millions of dollars in Benefactor dough? What a schmuck!)
Scott then stealthily lies to Liam about finding the money. Though, I’m not sure how he managed to explain to the Beta wolf why, if he “found nothing,” in the killers locker, he still decided to leave the lockers with his massive red gym bag in tow.
“I find smelly gym socks a major turn on. It’s a True Alpha thing.”
Also, not to be nitpicky, but with a serial killer on the run, wouldn’t even the most rudimentary police officer think to immediately commandeer all of the contents of said killer’s locker as evidence?
Just saying . . .
Back at the McCall House, Mama McCall is pleading with the electric company to turn her power back on. Apparently, she’s three months late on her bills, despite the fact that she’s pretty much the only employee still alive at the Beacon Hills Hospital. Now, if those aren’t grounds for a major raise, I don’t know what is!
Not to mention the fact that Scott’s dad, the Big Fancy FBI Guy, has been crashing on the couch for months, basically rent free. Hello? Child support!
All of this is a roundabout way of saying, Scott’s kind of poor, but probably shouldn’t be . . .
Either way, that Deadpool money currently sitting under his bed (and right under Big Fancy FBI Guy’s nose) is looking mighty appetizing to him, right about now . . .
Friends with (Death) Benefits . . .
The whole dynamic Liam shares with his froshie pals is honestly a bit confusing. We are led to believe that Mason is his adorable gay best friend for life, despite the fact that the two kids apparently didn’t attend the same school until just a few months prior. Maybe . . .
(Help me out, Lacrosse Fans. Is this generally a fall sport, or a spring one? Because we know the season just started.)
Granted, Mason and Liam could have been childhood neighbors, who were lifelong friends, despite NOT going to the same school. But that doesn’t explain the pair’s being supposedly so tight with Garrett and Violet. Two “kids” who seemingly transferred to Beacon Hills High for the sole purpose of crashing Liam’s and Mason’s lame weekly “Movie Nights.”
“Hey, who is up for watching Teen Wolf 2? I hear the guy from Arrested Development was awesome in it?”
No matter. After the events of this week’s episode, it is pretty safe to say, after the events of this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, the bromance between Mason, Liam and Garrett is DUNZO!
“Wait, let me get some salt. It will wash the blood stains right out of this concrete!”
Nothing says, “you are no longer part of my social circle,” like throwing your former pal into a really, really deep water-logged Hole of Schmutz, not unlike the place where James Franco chopped off his arm in 127 Hours . . .
“You can’t sit with us.”
Follow my nose . . .
By the way, did you know that Froot Loops are all the same flavor. As someone who has eaten froot loops, just about every day, since she got her first baby teeth, and literally just learned this five minutes ago, I feel your pain, if your mind has just been blown . . .”
In this week’s installment of Teen Wolf, Malia fully cements herself as part of the pack, by proudly becoming the last cast member to be inappropriately stalked by Derek on school grounds . . .
Since, Derek’s schnoz has been a bit on the fritz lately, and Malia is an old pro when it comes to smelling poo in coyote caves, and fear in lacrosse stands, everyone’s favorite Former Alpha recruits the sassy werecoyote for a little school day game of “Find the Buddhist Were Pack and warn them of impending death.”
Malia is more than happy to go along for the ride, since her boyfriend Stiles spends every even episode with Lydia, and this is one of them.
Finding a bullet in the grass leads Malia to determine that Brett’s pack of Buddhist wolves has gone into hiding. (I hope they brought Froot Loops!)
Thinking like her boyfriend . . .
. . . leads Malia to determine that the pack is hiding in place infused with Buddhist meaning . . .the easternmost point in Beacon Hills.
(Congratulations Malia, your nose has officially just become more useful to the Scooby Gang than Lydia’s annoying screaming . . .)
Too bad you and Derek are already too late.
In your defense, attractive Were-cousins. A pack that thinks lying out in an open field is an effective hiding strategy kind of deserve to bite it . . .
I’m guess Evil!Macauley and Violet poisoned their food supply with the yellow fart wolfsbane?
That sucks. What’s worse, I bet all this could have totally been avoided, if they just ate Froot Loops, like I said in the first place. . .
Amidst the wreckage, Derek finds one lone survivor. Braden the Mercenary . . .
“Well, I’m not technically a werewolf, so wolfsbane doesn’t work on me. Also, I can’t die yet, because you and I haven’t boned, Der Bear. Didn’t you watch the Comic Con trailers?”
“I like you. I’m going to keep you.”
Deputy Parrish (Please don’t end up being evil, Deputy Parrish. Because, the way Meredith looked at you, in this week’s scene, it kind of seemed like you might by the Benefactor, i.e. Evil. And I really don’t want you to be evil. You are so pretty!) gains major points with our Scoobies, by (1) having a little self-deprecating sense of humor about his impending demise . . .
. . . and not being above using a bit of bribery to get Stiles and Lydia into Eichen House, where they will once again seek Meredith’s help in determining which of Lydia’s dead friends was lucky enough to be the code to crack the final third of the Deadpool list.
I think Stiles has even developed a little man crush on the guy . . .
Meredith, however, is slightly less charmed, and understandably so. After all, what good has helping the Scooby Gang got her so far, apart from being targeted by the Benefactor, and berated by the Ginger.
She never even got to bone Isaac, for crying out loud!
I wouldn’t help them if I was you, either Meredith . . .
That said, I probably wouldn’t have gone as far as this banshee in making my refusal known. “No means no,” for sure.
But self strangulation, means, “Definitely not.”
(Assuming Meredith actually did strangle herself. Does anyone else smell the possibility of foul play? Follow your nose . . .)
We’ll miss you, Meredith. Here’s hoping a smirking Daniel Sharman clone is waiting for you in that big Banshee-Friendly Eichen House in the Sky . . .
It’s an Evil!Macaulay Kabob (Tastes like Chicken!)
Elsewhere on campus, Evil!Macaulay is engaging Scott in some good old-fashioned blackmail. “Stop my boo from getting transferred to Alcatraz, and I won’t let your Mini-Me get poisoned to death,” he offers helpfully.
As the two sort-of enemies head out on their dastardly stakeout, we know Scott means business, because he’s wearing a hoodie . . .
I don’t think I’ve seen Scott wear a hoodie in the entire four seasons of this series. I like it . . .
But by the time Scott and Evil!Macauleyreach the car transporting Violet, which is conveniently being chaperoned by Deputy Stilinski and Papa McCall, natch . . ., the Berserkers have already done Scott’s job for him . . .
I’d say this car has been successfully stopped. Wouldn’t you?
“Violet’s already gone,” Scott warns.
But Douchey Evil!Macauley isn’t smart enough to take no for an answer, he starts showing off his mad fencing skills to the Berserkers, who, for the record, seem less than impressed. (Of course, that may be because their helmets make it difficult to enjoy all the fancy swordplay to its fullest.)
R.I.P. Garrett, best of luck in Home Alone 7 . . .
Violet, you’re turning Violet!
Upon learning that Kate is responsible for kidnapping Violet, and Violet is the only person left alive (haha), who knows where Liam has been stored, Deaton and Scott call upon Chris Argent, who brings the pair to a place conveniently called “Argent Arms.” Talk about a sh*tty hiding place for someone named “Argent!”
Apparently, no one in Beacon Hills ever played the game hide and seek as a child.
“I thought we could do this later,” Kate muses, upon being confronted.
That doesn’t mean her and her Bears aren’t up for a fight. And while the Grizzlies don’t quite kill Scott and Chris (because Kate won’t let them) . . .
. . . they do toss them around quite a bit. And Scott gets tossed right into Violet . . .
“At least now you can be reunited with your parents . . . and your boyfriend . . . and your boyfriend’s parents. And three-quarters of the cast of this episode. Hey, I wonder if they have Movie Night in Hell.”
Somewhere in Beacon Hills, Mason is coming up with some really great tips to get Berserker Murder Stains out of denim jackets . . .
Coming Soon to a Coffin Near You . . .
Upon determining that the third key to the Deadpool might not be someone who is already dead, but rather someone who will die before the show’s hiatus, Stiles and Lydia quickly uncover the list using Derek’s name, a good guess, seeing as the character has “fake died,” at least twice every season.
A few interesting things to note about the third list. First, it includes Liam, despite the fact that the Teenier Wolf was only bitten a few weeks ago at most, after all this killing started. (You recall, he was bitten when Scott was trying to save him from Wendigo Sean, after the latter was tracked down by The Mute.)
This means that either the third list was created sometime after the first two, OR that the Benefactor has some Banshee-like powers of omniscience.
Second, the list refers to Malia as a “Hale,” as opposed to “Tate,” the name of her surrogate dad on the show. Malia’s true parentage is particularly rare known fact on this show, one that, at least we are led to believe is still a mystery to Malia herself, her clueless biological father, Peter, and, pretty much, everyone in Beacon Hills apart from The Scooby Gang.
Given that, it seems strange that The Benefactor would be so willing to give that information out to every assassin of supernaturals, within a 20 mile radius . . .
Speaking of Peter, I don’t recall seeing him on the list (did I miss him?), which would seem to make him a prime suspect as The Benefactor, one who could have easily coordinated the “heist” of his own money, and used it to eliminate the supernatural competition, rendering him Alpha Supreme in Beacon Hills.
Of course, a smart Benefactor, who also happened to be of supernatural origin would put himself on the list to avoid such suspicion . . .
Someone like this guy?
Then again, perhaps, the true Benefactor is someone a bit more surprising . . . someone who has flown a bit more under the radar recently . . . a person whose smart enough to frame a fellow former Teen Wolf villain as his (or her) pawn . . .
Just a thought . . .
Here’s Howling at You, Kid!
Right about the time all hope seems lost for Sexy But Illegal Liam, he gives out a howl, leading Scott to uncover his location, and bring him back to Deaton’s for the “golden fart” treatment, just in time . . .
It is at the vet’s office that Scott has his annual epiphany. “No one else should die on this show . . . not even the extras,” Scott announces determinedly.
Yeah, good luck with that . . .
Elsewhere, in a dank, dirty sewer, two rats make a deal with one another. One seeks control and acceptance back into her family fold, despite the monster she has become . . .
The other seeks . . . wait for it . . . POWER.
Next week on Teen Wolf, everyone gets the Ebola virus and dies.
Nah, I’m just monkeying around.
Get it, monkeying . . . Ebola virus?
Until next time, Werebangers!