Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

owwwww

Just when you thought it was safe to take your PSATs . . .

(Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)

                In a season that was in grave danger of becoming the Assassin of the Week, Teen Wolf decided to change things up a bit this past Monday, by . . .

so excited sowk7

. . . having another assassin of the week.

yawning

In all fairness though, The Chemist was not your run-of-the-mill One Episode Baddie.  While his predecessors preyed on the viewers’ basic fears of things like . . . people without lips . . .

shhhh

. . . and people who looked like the kid from Home Alone . . .

creep

Macaulay-Culkin-5393890

The chemist (who, by the way, so much resembled one of my high school English teachers, that it was truly frightening) taps into our more deep seated fears, the kind of fears we don’t talk about at parties . . .

ep 8 funny stiles

. . . You know like the fear of catching some strange incurable disease for a reason completely unknown to you, and dying a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad death that is sure to leave you with a disgusting corpse no undertaker could fix . . .

help me please

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))

Let’s review, shall we?

[As always, special thanks to Andre, who is ten times better than your run-of-the-mill Benefactor assassin, because he gives me “visual confirmation” of all the supernatural kills, without ever requesting payment. ;)]

Caught between some rocks/ash and a hard place . . .

We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .

mountain ash again

mountain ash

Just when we think you’ve abandoned us for dead, you show up in some tea-drinking douchebag’s laboratory.

nope drinking tea

“That’s Sir Tea-Drinking Douchebag to you!”

(Screw recapping, I’m going to move to Beacon Hills and start a side business selling Mountain Ash to assorted evil-doers . . . and the occasional Scooby Gang Member.  I’ll call it Mountain Ash R’Us, and it’s going to make me enough money to retire in two years tops . . .)

counting the money

Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy?  Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?

deadest

I’m going to guess the virus works . .  .

One would think that letting the virus loose in an open space would be child’s play in comparison to that.  Just saying . . .

Anywhoo, sucks to be THAT werewolf . .  .because he’s looking ROUGH.

grosser

Needless to say, I don’t think this scene will make it on to this actor’s Sizzle Reel . . .

Meanwhile, back at the McCall house, Scott has stolen his mom’s old cassette player, so he and Stiles can listen to instructions on how to murder half the population of Beacon Hills, while staring at a sh*t ton of money in a duffelbag, and contemplating stealing $500,000 from one of their closest friends.

what do we do

Just think about how many t-shirts with whimsical sayings on them Stiles could buy with half a million dollars!

studd mufffin drink coffee do good

(Remember the good old days, where a night of fun for teenagers was a good old fashioned keggar at the house of a kid whose parents are away for the weekend, the possibility of underage sex, and a night filled with generalized debauchery and really bad choices?   *sigh* Kids today . . . they just don’t know what they are missing.)

Evil Planus Interruptus

Malia runs up to Scott’s room unannounced to tell Scott and Stiles that Satomi’s back is mostly / almost all dead, and that Derek is currently carrying future love interest Braeden to the hospital like the BAMF he is.  (You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first.  After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.)

hiding it

 

not what you think

whatchu up to

“I used to hump trees.  I don’t judge.”

 

Meanwhile over at everyone’s favorite veterinarian’s office . . .

the vet ac

“Thanks, but I’m pretty much the only veterinarian on TV, since that sitcom starring the talking monkey got cancelled after two episodes.”

It is a dark and stormy night . . .

dark and stormy night

Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .

eichen house

Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai .  . .

battle it out

Cue the slow-mo Matrix homage to techo music . . .

But who is this Black Hooded Avenger?

fighting stance

Is it another assassin?

big gun

Neo?

matrix1

A teenage mutant ninja turtle?

ninja

Nahhh, it’s just this senior citizen . . .

its mee

. . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.

(You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

Test Anxiety

With Daraches, Kanimas, Death Destroyers of Worlds, Assassins without Mouths, and Evil Japanese spirits on their tail each week, it’s sometimes easy to forget that Scott, Stiles and Co. are just your average mid twenty-somethings, who have been playing high school students for the last five years of their lives (two and a half of which has been spent on their ridiculously long junior year).

ephemeral

Enter the PSAT episode . ..

psat

It’s a rite of passage for many a high school drama . . .

we can survive

Most of those high school dramas, however, don’t start their Very Special PSAT Episodes off with a massive outbreak of a deadly virus . . .

sleepig

sleepdrool

Not a hickey . . .

rash

Definitely not a hickey . . .

another rash

Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease.   (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)

touching

Hello?  At least spring for some Purell?

(BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote?  Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)

The Banana Men Cometh

bannana men

Be honest, if the CDC weren’t obviously the terrifying harbingers of Death and Rare Inexplicable Sudden Onset Illness, you’d think they were pretty funny looking, wouldn’t you?

banana

Yellow Space Suit is the NewBlack Big Bird  . . .

Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.  The idea was not so much that having bodily contact with an outcast would cause your body to be infested with some sort of made-up bug, but rather that it would make you also become an outcast, which, to a ten-year old, was a fate far worse than any sort of real or imagined bug infestation.

cootie

Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have the cootie shot.

Circle, circle, square, square, now you have it everywhere .  . .

I mean, sure, on some level, I think most kids recognize that the concept of cooties is fake and mean-spirited bullying . . . that you can’t become like someone, just from touching them.  But still most of us believed it enough to scoot over in our seats, when the supposedly infected walked past.

can't sit with us

Fear is a powerful motivator.  And while the common practice of Disease Control to treat all exposed subjects as infected, until proven otherwise (even if that means quarantining them together with the already infected, thus ensuring that their likelihood of actually becoming infected themselves is greatly increased), is definitely the smartest method of preventing the unnecessary  spread of disease, it’s also super shitty for the uninfected quarantined, who undoubtedly are made to feel like nine-year olds wrongly classified by their peers as having “cooties.”

I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .

But then, everyone got sick anyway, so that point was made moot . . .

owwwww

 

Sounds like some serious indigestion . . .

In Which Lydia Martin Talks to Stuff . . .

Poor Lydia, it feels as though she’s spent the entire season talking to inanimate objects and not getting a response . . .

listening

“Hello, Record Player.  You look extra special pretty today.  Is that a new turntable?  Does this ponytail make me look fat?”

mer con

“Poor box.  Do you ever wish you were some other shape?  Something less . . . I don’t know . . . boxy, like an hourglass maybe?”

stuff

“I bought you something, empty bottle of old lady perfume!  Look, it’s dead flowers.  I bet you both smell alike!”

Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.  You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish, disappointment and guilt as she ponders questions with no easy answers.

im sorry wish i

Meredith and Lydia were never exactly the kind of girls you’d imagine being fast friends with one another . . .

meredith

Socially awkward Meredith, with her strange taste, odd affectations, and general inability to relate to the general public, was undoubtedly the target of more than her share of “Cootie Rumors” in high school . . .

. . . and they were probably made by girls who looked and acted a lot like Lydia.

lydia smirk

That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another.  And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

creepy

Count on Meredith to cherish a sepia-toned picture of herself taken in the most dull and nondescript location possible .  . .

The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.  Could Meredith have been the secret lovechild of Papa Martin?   I suspect we will learn the answer in the next week or two . . .

Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith.  (And by Magical Powers I mean “talent for fashion and haircare.”)  It might not have saved her life, but girlfriend’s corpse would look totally fierce . . .

awesome lyd pic

Divide and Conquer

When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection, it immediately becomes clear that their symptoms are not the same as the rashes, uncontrollable sweating, dizziness, fever and fainting experienced by the human population.

Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

cant change back

. . . or this . . .

bleeding from fingers

not retract

. . . and most definitely not this . . .

shocking

. . . which, of course, is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.  He simply releases the virus into the air where he assumes supernatural creatures will be, and, before he knows it, they are literally “dying” to reveal themselves  .  . .

This is why Scott and Co. need to go into hiding, like, yesterday . . .

how to get in

. . .not to mention the fact that allowing the werewolves, foxes and coyotes to mingle with the human population in their current state, seems like the most obvious way to expose their identities, not just to assassins, but to the rest of the natural world . . . something they are not quite ready to do.

Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school!  For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device  . . .

sucka

Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault has officially become the new Mountain Ash . . .

But who will open it to let them in?

not telling

I know  . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

opens the door

“Can you open the vault?”  Scott asks sweetly.  “You are the only one here with .  . . um, really long nails . . .” he offers, more or less.

Malia looks dubious, and a bit mistrustful, having determined by now, that, yes, her new friends (and boyfriend) are definitely hiding something from her . . .

malia nails

. . . but she says nothing and complies.

Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

going to die

Smart guy!

You’re Coming Back, Right?

While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

moony

hears

That didn’t take long!”

Deaton finally discovers the source of the virus that is wreaking havoc on the wolf population of Beacon Hills.  Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper .  . .

sad dog

Thank you, Teen Wolf, for teaching me about a new dog disease!

Back at school, Stiles volunteers to leave the vault, and let the massive hordes camped outside the school know that Scott, Lydia, and Malia are OK . . . you know . . . apart from dying a painful death and stuff.

leave mal

Malia makes Stiles promise to come back for her and he does.

All together now . . . awwwwww .  . .

the gift of tp

Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

talk about tea

 

“And it’s filled with vitamins, and antioxidants, and keeps me looking way younger than my 1,000 years of age.”

Hello, Derek!   People are dying here.  Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!

But wait!  Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked.  (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

lightbulb-idea

But how do we get the tea to Scott and co., before they all die, and this show has to change its name from Teen Wolf to Teen Nothing . . .?

dancing stiles moon

Also known as The Stiles Show . . .

Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault!  And why wouldn’t it be?  Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything!  From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

mischeivous stiles

You know what else I bet is in the vault?

mountain ash

Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

wake uppppp stiles

Visual Confirmation Required

Stiles figures out that Coach caught the virus by “borrowing” the stamp pad used to fingerprint the PSAT test takers, after his red one ran out of ink.

approved

“I was wondering how that idiot got sick?”   The Chemist muses, having gone into full-on villain mode, now that we have less than ten minutes left in the episode, and it’s become clear he’s not going to be invited back for an encore . . .

im evil

Like this guy . . .

waiting

Might as well go out in a blaze of glory, right?

And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.

gun with silencer

 

this sucks shot

“This day could have gone better.  Not going to lie . . .”

Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.  And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.

cryin

“At least now if I croak, I finally won’t have to worry about dying a virgin.”

The Chemist puts a gun to Stiles head and BLAM, Stiles’ face is covered in blood . . .

confused and crying

“Death is wetter and saltier than I imagined.”

. . . but not his own.

plip

“Such a clean death . . .  Must be from all the tea I’ve been drinking . . . *winks before dropping dead, as the Lipton logo appears over his face*”

banana savior

All hail the Banana Man!  This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .

Unmask yourself, Banana Man!

here i am me

 

“It’s MEEEEEE!  YAY!”

Wow!  Was not expecting that . . .

No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood, for what just happened to him (and . . . you know . . . the whole Japanese possession thing), Papa McCall has a message for Stiles from Deaton and Co. . . “Get the mushroom tea.  Save the Werewolves!  Save the World!”

think like stiles

Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time!   (Go figure!)

Fortunately for the Scooby Gang, only blindness (not deafness) is a symptom of canine distemper. And so Scott manages to “smell” the tea, knock it down and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time.  Everyone is saved . . .

gross tea again

Maybe  . . .

More Money, More Problems . . .

Back at the hospital Satomi faces off against another assassin.  This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .

killing matrix dance grr got that was weird

Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..

malia hale

scared peter - Copy

The good news is that Scott and Stiles no longer have to lie to her.  The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

walk out

Ouch . . . that’s cold.

Next week on Teen Wolf, Scott practices a skill most canines know well .  . . playing dead . . .

Until next time, Werebangers!

teenwolfmtvstyles

11 Comments

Filed under Teen Wolf

11 responses to “Werepocalypse! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Weaponized”

  1. East Coast Captain

    Made for such an interesting episode but the science is exactly twisted. A VIRUS? That’s the best you can come up with Davis? I don’t care about Malia other than she is attractive but that’s it. Peter is a rat and so is Kate, apparently these Hollywood writers recycle so many ideas and some shows rather than ending it on a high note choose to continue said show year after year making it up as they go long. Business over creativity no wonder Hollywood is such a shitty place.

    • Andre

      Personally I think Kate is even more of a recycled character than Peter and much more dangerous in its implications then Kira is.
      However the whole virus thing is just a stupid idea as if they have no clue what to do next even if its so easy to make better even a half-assed semi-geek like me could do it. Seriously its not that difficult. Actually you could make the show better by revealing that Malia was faking it all the time and people didn’t notice because Kira, Derek and Scott are stupid and Stiles too much governered by his libido to connect the dots and deluded himself. Maybe she was in league with riddle demon, the only still left decent antagonist odf the show after they ruined Kate.
      Would that really be so difficult to come up with?

    • Aww East Coast Captain! Hollywood is not such a shitty place. Any place responsible for Ryan Gosling can’t be all bad? ;). Speaking of Hollywood, how is The Strain? Is it as good as you hoped?

  2. Andre

    One thing first, since you had the picture of Scott and his teeth first: Could they please stay consistent with anything? First they change the claws all the time and now the teeth? Scott never had such pointed incisors before.

    (Coming soon to a high school located on a Hellmouth Beacon near you . . .)
    Good nudge to the Buffy rip-off. To which I say to the makers: If you rip-off, at least follow the originals logic. Don’t just use it to sound cool.

    In short, this was basically the Cabin Fever of Teen Wolf episodes . . . (Google it. ;))
    So Cabin Fever was a dull attempt full of pseudodrama and plotholes? You see while this episode was much better than the previous ones it still had a lot of idiocy and plotholes and was overall rather boring instead of painful to look and listen to.

    We’ve missed you, Mountain Ash . . .
    Well I guess throwing something at the ash to break the circle is beyond these idiots. As usual. Trust me, more is to come.

    Now, I understand that this scene was meant to set the stage for The Chemist’s mass infection of our Scooby Gang with Zombie Werewolf Disease, but, logically, why was it necessary for our Assassin of the Week to use a random no-name wolf as his Crash Test Dummy? Hadn’t he already confirmed his virus a success after massacring an ENTIRE PACK OF WEREWOLVES in the open woods?
    Yes. But it seems that the makers think the viewers are stupid. It was the same in the previous episodes e.g. when they showed us Garrett just walking through the hall when Jackson 2.0 says he knows who the guy on the team is and we already also know everything so it’s pointless.

    PS. The pack had that disease all the time? How did they get infected without anyone noticing? The episodes makes you wonder how it all happened.

    And boy was Scott stupid in that scene in front of the bed with the money. Apart from the fact that I wonder why visual confirmation is required for payment, only Violet was ever shown taking pictures, the Mute never did, Scott was so stupid. This whole giving Peter money is not virtuous, this is just plain stupidity. The guy is a full own homicidal maniac which Scott seems to have forgotten completely and the show seems to want to show this as being virtuous. I know their morals are screwed, but this is jumping the shark. If Scott doesn’t want to keep the money, why not donate it or just give all of it to Derek or to someone this show forgot:
    Cora!!!!
    I know the show is sexist regarding werewolves but this dilemma here is so weak that I cannot think of any reason but writing incompetence for it to be there.

    You’ll have to excuse Malia for not calling or texting first. After all, she has been a coyote for the last eight years of her life.
    It is probably just there to have some excuse for her to later “know” about the list (after all the coyote stuff they ignore whenever it doesn’t suit their plot). Albeit how she got it I have no idea.

    Beacon Hills . . . the only place where the entrance to the local vet’s office, looks just as ominous and foreboding as the entrance to the nuthouse . . .
    Which would be really bad for cases when little kids bring their sick or possibly dying pets to the veterinarian doesn’t it? I mean a place like this surely would not make them trust the veterinarian.

    Deaton is trying to lock up shop for the evening when he is attacked by a black hooded avenger skilled in the art of Samurai . . .
    Which is probably the most accurate description of this scene you could find. Also when you think about it, the whole thing makes no sense internally except for showing off.

    Neo?
    Impossible, she has more than one facial expression.

    . . . apparently, “trying to hack your weiner off with a sword” is a traditional Japanese Werewolf Greeting.
    (You’ll have to excuse Satomi for not calling or texting first . . . she’s really, really old.)

    Which leads you to the question as to how she is still alive and barely looks older than 70 years ago. She must be somewhere between 120 and 130 by now.
    By this moment I can no longer tell you what a rule break is or not because I don’t know what the rules of werewolfism are here. They make it up as they go along and while Scott’s roar in season 3b was canon break it at least served a purpose, this here seems to add no actual purpose. Why on earth is Satomi here? What reason is there except to once again claim that this show is progressive or, somehow, show off?

    This attack also makes no sense when you consider that Deaton (aka Main magical negro) calls her Satomi-San… apparently they are not only breaking the rules respectively making up new ones they also don’t know what that honorific implies when you use it with a person’s first name. Yes “san” is used very frequently in Japanese even for cases like “Yahoo-san” and all. However this rather casual usage is applied when you put it at the last name. So if these two aren’t familiar with each other, or only know each other causally or officially, he should have said “Sato-San” since you see putting “San” at the first name is something usually only close friends do, so by using the honorific in the way they did implies that these two know each other and are friends, so we should have seen or having her mentioned before at least. But there was nothing.
    Not to mention what friends attack each other?
    In addition, if one of her pack mates is dying why is she attacking him? Isn’t time of the essence here?
    She sure as hell doesn’t seem concerned about her friend to me.

    Enter the PSAT episode . ..
    When I heard that Scott wants to go to colleague, I was: is this some hint that Posey will leave the show?
    I also wondered whether they were going to do the Scott/Malia make the test with high scores and Stiles doesn’t.

    Perhaps, Worst Banshee Ever, Lydia should take some lessons in Death Intuition from her Mommy Dearest, who showed some surprise brilliance in being the first person to determine that the rashes that were appearing on students and teachers alike were, in fact, the trademark signs of a deadly disease. (And then showed some surprise stupidity, by fondling all the infected with her bare hands . . .)
    Well, this is Teen Wolf, no adult can be smart for more than a few seconds.

    (BTW, did anyone find it strange that Mama Martin, though clearly exposed to the virus, never showed any signs of illness, even though there was no evidence that she ever ingested the antidote? Later evidence in the episode suggests that Lydia may have gotten her banshee powers from her father’s side . . . more on that in a bit . . . but clearly her mother is no supernatural slouch, either.)
    It is called the power of the plothole and lazy writing. Trust me, we have much more in this episode alone.

    Anyone who has been under the age of ten in the last century or so, undoubtedly remembers the concept of cooties, or as we used to call them the [insert outcast’s name here] Touch.
    Nope. We didn’t had that stuff where I come from. And neither did the majority of the world.

    I think Jeff Davis did a nice job here of showing the impact an implied “accusation of infection” has on a heretofore healthy person, without beating us over the head too much with the point . . .
    In what way?

    Also: Yeah Scott sure looked weak and sick… Posey was not shirtless so why couldn’t they afford better make-up?

    Kudos to actress Holland Rhoden for taking a sort of crap storyline, that has pretty much permanently isolated her from the rest of the cast, and turned it into acting gold.
    That is the only good thing about this.
    I don’t even get how Lydia can just get all of Meredith’s possessions. I am sure that is illegal.

    You can truly feel the red-headed banshee’s anguish
    Speaking of banshee, that is Irish, and both banshees are red-haired… do the math.

    That said, the pair of banshees did share a definite connection in the few scenes they shared with one another. And that connection, if this photograph is any indication, is more than meets the eye . . .

    Why? When? What are you talking about?

    The simplest explanation for Meredith having a photograph of herself taken at Lydia’s lake house, is that the two women share a relative.
    Or she is a creepy stalker. Or plot convenience. Are you sure the picture was from the some house?

    Suffice it to say, Lydia sadly missed out on the opportunity to use her magical powers to save Meredith
    Meaning the power of plot convenience worked against her.

    When Scott, Malia and Kira start showing signs of infection
    Which makes me wonder whether Kira electrocuting that one token “non-white” woman was part of the disease or not since she never electrocuted anyone else. After all if it’s the metal, then shouldn’t she electrocute things left and right? Of course it could just be another plothole.

    Notably, no humans suffering from the virus experience this . . .

    Seriously, Posey’s make up is no different than that of Kira’s dad. Only later did they finally change his make-up to make him look sick, albeit it looks rather like he is tired.

    is precisely why The Chemist’s assassin strategy is more effective than that of his predecessors.
    Not really. Trust me, I will explain later, and you will see why it is just as stupid and incompetent.

    He simply releases the virus into the air
    No he doesn’t. The episode suggested that it was in the ink used for the finger prints, that is how the coach got infected and makes you wonder how the werewolf pack was infected.

    werewolves, foxes and coyotes
    There are no foxes, they are samurai knock-offs.

    Welcome back Weird, Creepy, Hale Vault under the high school! For about the third time this season, you have become the perfect plot device . . .
    Perfect plot convenience is more likely.

    I know . . . how about the girl who is a Hale, but doesn’t yet know she’s a Hale, because no one bothered to tell her about her true paternity . . .

    You do realize that by saying Malia is a Hale and not a Tate you not only deny the influence of her actual father but also support the patriarchal model of children belonging to the biological father right?
    I mean I am not surprised the show does it since it’s sexist and patriarchal to the core and dismisses non-biological parents as being of no importance or a bad influence but from you…

    Plus. This whole hidden entry is just stupid. This “sigil” thing alone is so easy to see someone must have noticed it a long time ago, and seriously the “cracks” are huge. How can it be that no one ever saw this and reported it?
    Seriously, the vault is right behind the wall. All you would need is a sledgehammer and you would find it.
    Where there never any building inspectors?

    Stiles decides to quarantine himself with his buddies, to ensure that they will have some form of human flesh to eat when they inevitably wolf out uncontrollably, due to the virus . . .

    That really was pretty stupid. Why was he down there anyway? To support Malia? Since his friendship with Scott surely doesn’t seem important anymore.

    While Derek drools over his new love interest’s bed at the hospital?

    Well when you consider how quickly Scott and Allison, Scott and Kira, Danny and Ethan, Lydia and Aiden, Isaac and Allison (gosh there is a lot of pseudo incest here), Derek and Page, Derek and Jennifer, Stiles and Malia and who knows who else “fell in love” in this show, Braeden might just as well transform from being the show’s third magical Negro to Derek’s third, idiotic and nonsensical relationship that completely throws psychology out of the window.
    They have no reason to fall in love so I think we can be sure that they will end up a couple or something.
    You could never expect something as complicated and long as this on this show to establish a relationship of any sort:

    Apparently, it’s a weaponized form of canine distemper . . .
    And here we get to as to why this reveals the assassin and thereby the writers as complete morons who only do this to show off:
    Apparently this strain of canine distemper was only altered to act faster, now there is the fact that this has no resemblance to actual distemper which has the signs of fever, gastrointestinal and respiratory problems (runny nose, vomiting and diarrhea, dehydration, excessive salivation, coughing and/or labored breathing, loss of appetite, and weight loss. When and if the neurological signs develop, incontinence may ensue), possibly secondary bacterial infections, inflammation of the brain and spinal cord, sometimes thickening of the footpads, vesicularpustular lesions on the abdomen. Furthermore there is localized involuntary twitching of muscles or groups of muscles, seizures often distinguished by salivation, and jaw movements commonly described as “chewing gum fits”, or more appropriately as “distemper myoclonus”. As the condition progresses, the seizures worsen and advance to grand mal convulsions, followed by death of the animal. The animal may also show signs of sensitivity to light, incoordination, circling, increased sensitivity to sensory stimuli such as pain or touch, and deterioration of motor capabilities. Less commonly, it may lead to blindness and paralysis. The length of the systemic disease may be as short as 10 days, or the start of neurological signs may not come until several weeks or months later. Those few that survive usually have a small tic or twitch of varying levels of severity. With time, this tic will usually diminish somewhat in its severity.
    So no true resemblance at all. However this means these guys are so canine that it affects them… which technically makes sex with them bestiality, but either way in that case it would be so easy to kill them it’s ridiculous. All you would need is some 1080 (Sodium fluoroacetate). Canines are highly susceptible to it. Sure humans can die as well, all placental mammals are susceptible, but it won’t kill them so fast. So all he needed to do was to poison the food at levels that would not harm humans so fast but the “canines” would be dead quickly. And then take pictures at the coroner’s place. No problem.

    Also if this was only changed to act faster, why does this distemper affect humans to begin with? The virus would have to mutate a lot before it can infect humans. Not to mention by this the killer risks infecting himself and causing an epidemic… not good at all. After all, the mushrooms or whatever he used for his tea are rare so what if he runs out of it or the virus mutates? Not clever at all.
    Plus, if he has the resources to change a virus that way, what is he doing working as an assassin or why can he not come up with a better plan and all. If he counted on the officials coming in, didn’t he plan ahead to the possibility that there might be a shooting and he needed to get out alive? Or maybe one of the werewolves panicked and he was the target. Seriously, these assassins are so idiotic, I cannot possibly take them seriously.

    All together now . . . awwwwww . . .

    All together now: BBBBAAARRRRRRFFFFFFF!!!!!!
    As if I care for their plothole of a “relationship” with its pedophile undertones.
    Actually, I wonder why you are so ok with this, when they look as if they are the answer to all the Sterek demands.

    Back at the vet’s office, Derek has now arrived, just in time to reminisce with old grandma Satomi about this stinky tea she and his mom used to drink together.

    WHERE WAS SHE ALL THE TIME?????
    Why didn’t she come to the Hale’s aid? This whole thing makes no sense.
    Seriously, you can’t just throw this stuff in and then not explain these glaring plotholes.
    Did these writers go to the same school that Stephenie Meyer, Colleen Houck and the god awful Cassandra Clare went to?

    Hello, Derek! People are dying here. Save the Lipton Commercial for later Mmm-kay!
    Why should he care? A character I never saw died… I don’t care. Especially not when even the woman knowing him acts so uninterested. And the main characters won’t die anyway, not much of them at least. So why should anyone care?

    But wait! Apparently, the tea is (conveniently) the cure to canine distemper, it’s the reason Satomi managed to stay alive, while most of the rest of her pack croaked. (Take that coffee, soda and Red Bull drinkers!)

    Of course, the Magical Tea is already in the vault! And why wouldn’t it be? Secret vaults are the absolute best places to hide everything! From $117 million in bearer bonds to useless medallions, to teens dying of Dead Dog Disease, to gross tea made out of mushrooms!

    I was not entirely surprised since the camera had lingered on the jar in the vault and so the current deus ex machina must be there. And if anyone doesn’t believe the jar is just that:

    Deus ex machina (Latin: [ˈdeus eks ˈmaː.kʰi.na]: /ˈdeɪ.əs ɛks ˈmɑːkiːnə/ or /ˈdiːəs ɛks ˈmækɨnə/;[1] from Latin, meaning “god from the machine”; plural: dei ex machina) is a plot device whereby a seemingly unsolvable problem is suddenly and abruptly resolved by the contrived and unexpected intervention of some new event, character, ability or object. Depending on how it is done, it can be intended to move the story forward when the writer has “painted himself into a corner” and sees no other way out, to surprise the audience, to bring the tale to a happy ending, or as a comedic device.

    Also something being “rare” seems to be their common excuse now.

    Meanwhile, Scott, Kira and Malia have all gone blind, which means they only have a few more minutes to find the stinky mushroom tea and snort it, preferably before the final credits roll . . .

    A few thoughts I had during these scenes:
    Malia could hear Scott and Stiles, no need to “whisper”, idiots!
    So Peter really is not on the list…. Oh great…
    Considered that Scott lost one girlfriend shouldn’t he be more worried about Kira in this situation?
    Sorry writers, these two as a couple are too much of a plothole for me to care about anything that happens to them.
    Why did these idiots not grow the mushroom themselves? That looks like a pretty damp place, if the jar is damaged it could root.
    Wow, Malia is blind when she wants to read the list… again Scott is saved by plot convenience.

    And apparently, this blaze involves a gun with a silencer that The Chemist easily snuck into Beacon Hills High, because Beacon Hills High has the Worst Security EVER.
    Well this is the Teen Wolf universe so they borrow whatever they like and ignore what they don’t like. They have Japanese internment but not a single racial slur from that time. Or they have Afghanistan but not a single weapon crazy American. Which really makes no sense:

    Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles if he doesn’t tell the Chemist where his supernatural friends are dying . . . er . . . I mean, hiding.
    Stiles threatens to shoot Stiles? Julie, how late was it when you wrote this? 😀

    And Stiles, bless his heart, refuses to talk, even if it means giving up his life for the rest of the pack, when he is the only one for whom this virus is not deadly.
    Why exactly does Stiles do all these things for his friends and his friends never do the same for him?

    This episode’s true hero, whose bullet magically managed to make it into the back of the Chemists brain and out the front, but conveniently dropped to the floor before harming our leading man, despite that the latter was standing mere inches away at eye level . . .
    Not just very clean, but a bullet like that should have gone through his head and kill Stiles. Also who on earth aims for the head before aiming for the chest? Are we supposed to think it was a good decision because he was aiming at Stiles and had he been shot in the chest he would have been able to still shoot?

    No time to discuss the years of therapy Stiles will undoubtedly have to endure throughout his adulthood
    Aka none. Teen Wolf ignores such things now.

    Stiles rushes to tell his blind friends through the vault about how their cure has been sitting mere inches away from them this whole time! (Go figure!)
    And lucky for Scott he is less affected then the others, his red eyes still work, seriously why didn’t Deucalion use them all the time, and the jar even glows so Scott can find it easily…. Seriously, why do they even bother with this pseudodrama?

    And speaking of dying: The others in the hospital spoke of others at Lookout point or something. I thought they are all dead

    and expose it to the air in the vault in just the knick of time. Everyone is saved . . .
    How could that knock and breaking of the glass pulverize these things? Dried mushrooms do not act like that. Plus the drama is unnecessary, these are main cast members so why do they even try?
    And speaking of that: Where was Kira’s mother in all this?
    And if the coach got sick first, long before the others apparently, shouldn’t he have recovered much earlier and not about the same time?

    This one is a plain old vanilla shooter, and as such, she is defeated easily by the little lady who is a few centuries her senior . . .
    Considered how Teen Wolf makes things up as they go along Satomi might now really be centuries old. Which makes no sense whatsoever.
    At least the much slimmer and younger stunt double did a good job, although they could have given her some prostetics or so to make her frame match the other actresses’s.
    Plus:
    THESE ASSASSINS SUCK!!!!

    Less easily managed is the reaction no-longer-blind Malia has to finally seeing her name on the Deadpool list . ..
    Why is she reacting this way? Seriously, her reaction makes no sense whatsoever. She barely knows the guy, so why does she act as though she just accepts it.

    The bad news is, it looks like they won’t be talking to her either . . .

    Why is that bad news? If I were a writer on this show I would kill her first, then get rid of Derek and Peter by letting them getting killed by Stiles new love interest:

    (Hey we need non-stereotypical Asians on this show.)

    Of course only after weeks of the two having lots of gay sex:

    Then have the hottie reveal that Kira and Noshiko are not foxes but fox-skinners who tortured and skinned alive magical foxes to get their powers and are then dragged to court where hundreds gathered for revenge because Noshiko had killed a well known and respected fox.
    And Satomi is still alive because she made a deal back then with an Akuma.
    So, the less we see of Malia and the other werewolves, thankfully Jackson 2.0 wasn’t here, the better in my mind. They are embodiments of everything that is wrong with this show.

    • It actually wasn’t that late when I wrote this, sadly. Maybe when I wrote about Stiles shooting Stiles I was fondly remembering the nogitsune and how hot he was … When he was Stiles of course, not Toilet Paper head.

      I actually do think you’d like Cabin Fever …. The original one, not the hideous sequel. It was Eli Roth pre his torture porn phase. And as a teen horror flick it was better than it had any right to be.

      On an unrelated note, have you ever seen the TV series Black Mirror? It’s pretty much my new obsession of the moment.

      • Andre

        No I haven’t seen Black Mirror yet. I am currently watching a 2011 Japanese show called Ouran High School Host Club, a tv adaptation of a manga series and you see it. It’s totally goofy but also has its deep moments. I like how they combine cartoon reality with real life and I wonder whether show’s like that have a better understanding of women and girls in the industrialized world than show’s like Teen Wolf have. I think you would find the second episode especially funny:
        http://www.gooddrama.net/japanese-drama/ouran-high-school-host-club-episode-2

        I never saw guys using eroticism to manipulate girls in the way they do it here in any Western or other media. The only things close to it is the fanservice in Kpop stages:

        But from there to horror.
        Maybe I will watch Cabin Fever one day, but as I so often say recently, I still have so many other films to catch up with.

  3. Hi Julie! It’s been forever since I’ve been in the blogging universe but thought I would say hi! I’ll be getting back into blogging here and there. Maybe not as full a schedule as before, but be sure to visit my blog for some pop culture goodness.

    Loving your recaps as always! Is there any chance you could do a Teen Wolf break down for the seasons so far? I would love to read this!

    How is everything going with you? I’m studying speech pathology and embarking on an entirely different journey. Life has had some major ups and downs but I’m all settled now.

    • I know I was meant to be back earlier, but better late than never 😀

    • Hey Spidey! It’s so great to see you back on the blogosphere! You’ve been majorly missed! I can’t wait to talk TV with you again and to read more of your always insightful, super witty and just all around awesome musings on today’s tube. How have you been, Chica?

      • I’ve been really good! I’m dating a farmer and making a career change to nurse. I was unsettled for a LONG time and suffered major writer’s block, but I’m looking at getting back into blogging now.

        Would you read Buffy recaps if I wrote them? What other fandoms are you part of?

      • I’ve started blogging again. Check this out if you like… In defense of fangirling http://wp.me/p1b7Ab-Aj I’ll be back to regular commenting on your blog again soon. I just need to binge watch Teen Wolf first. Do you watch Game of Thrones at all? I would looooove to read your recaps of this show in season 5.

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