You can’t judge a book by its cover. This isn’t exactly new information. We’ve known this since we were little kids . . . since back when people still read actual books.
Of course, not judging a book by its cover is easier said than done. For better or worse, most of us have been raised to make certain assumptions about people, based on limited information. Subconsciously we are taught to believe that pretty people are good, and ugly people are evil. Loud people are strong and confident, and quiet people are meek and submissive. Hot guys with good bodies look good naked . . .
Well, that last one happens to be true . . .
Teen Wolf has always been a show that tried to shock its viewers, by flying in the face of these assumptions. But because its viewers are pretty savvy, it has met with limited success in doing so. Most of us pegged Lydia as the banshee, from the first time she opened her mouth to scream.
Photographer Matt was so gosh darn creepy, we pretty much pegged him a kanaima master from day 1.
And “adorkable” English teacher Jennifer fooled positively no one but Derek into thinking she was anything but a Darach in 50’s housewife clothing . . .
I can honestly say that Teen Wolf only legitimately shocked me with its choice of big bad twice in its series run, so far. The first was way back in Season 1 . . .
Coma Guy was the one running around in the Gorilla Suit the whole time?
I mean, that was pretty friggin brilliant!
The second time Teen Wolf tricked me . . . this past week, in a twist that, if you think about, largely mirrors the Uncle Peter as Alpha reveal of Season 1 . . .
You would think I would have learned by now . . .
Let’s review, shall we?
[As always, a big hearty banshee scream of thanks to my pack pal Andre for providing all the glorious screencaps you see here. This is a guy you can trust. I guy you’d be proud to have alongside you in battle. A guy who would never douse your car in kerosene and watch you burn alive, while casually listening to Jock Jams on his iPod . . .]
“Who let the dogs out? Woof! Woof-woof-woof-woof!”
Kill Not Confirmed
In a season of Teen Wolf that has been positively packed with douchebags, I’d hereby like to nominate This Guy as Douchebag Numero Uno . . .
Murdering complete strangers to become a millionaire is one thing. Murdering your friends and colleagues is quite another . . .
Even Evil!Macauley held off on trying to whack fake friend Liam, until he had already dispatched of most of the more anonymous targets on the list. . .
But not Officer Hank . . . I mean, this guy is just stone cold . . .
. . . stupid. No wonder he’s at the bottom of the payroll at the Beacon Hills PD . . .
First, before murdering a supernatural creature, it might be wise to . . . I don’t know . . . figure out what kind of creature he is first. This way you can avoid amateur mistakes like . . . TRYING TO BURN TO DEATH THE CREATURE WHOSE SOLE MAGICAL POWER IS THE ABILITY TO RISE FROM THE ASHES . . .
Also, avoid leaving evidence that can be traced back to you, such as, the gas station attendant who saw you purchase FOUR GALLONS OF GASOLINE, moments before that police car burst into flames in an empty parking lot for no reason whatsoever . . . because no one in a small town being overrun by contract killers is going to notice that . . .
And while we are on the subject . . . twist ties? Really?
Nonetheless, I’m actually really happy that Hank did what he did. After all, if it weren’t for this schmucko, us Teen Wolf fans would never have been blessed with the glory of getting to see this . . .
Let’s watch that again . . .
Now, for the most part, our Deputy Parrish has always been a pretty zen guy. But you could understand why Sheriff Stilinski’s stalwart sidekick is feeling a bit grumpy, after having had to suffer the pain of being burned alive, followed by the humiliation of having to walk back to the office in his now soot-colored birthday suit . . .
Plus, he’s barefoot, and who knows what kind of fetid crap ends up on those Beacon Hills PD floors?
Athlete’s foot is no picnic!
And so, for the first time this season, we get to meet . . . Hulk Parrish!
Mommy like . . . a lot.
I hope you like cold prison showers, Hank!
You can’t handle the truth.
Scott and Lydia immediately bring Parrish to Derek’s and Peter’s apartment, probably because Parrish needs clothes, and what the Hales lack in furniture, they make up for in a lifetime supply of deep v-neck muscle tees in every color imaginable . . .
Scott hopes Derek can tell them all what kind of creature Parrish might be. (Hint: PHOENIX! HE’S A PHOENIX!)
Unfortunately, Derek’s knowledge of supernatural creatures is limited to were-stuff . . . like
Werecoyotes . ..
Werefoxes . ..
Werelizards . ..
Werejaguars . ..
Werebears . ..
And Popples . . . lots and lots of Popples . . .
And so, Deputy Parrish’s moment of supernatural self discovery is going to have to be put on hold for at least another episode . But on the bright side, wintergreen is a really great color on him . . .
Speaking of hidden truths, over at the hospital, a doctor, who I am pretty sure was murdered on the show last season (maybe he’s a Phoenix too?), is not so gently reminding Papa Stilinski, who took a bullet during the whole Parrish/Hank fracas, may have to pay some of his medical bills out-of-pocket.
Stiles is furious with his father for hiding the family’s money troubles from him. “We are supposed to take care of each other,” he pleads with his father.
Here’s hoping when this is all over Derek shares some of the Hale $117 million with the poor little pack friends who saved his ass from death more times than he could count . . .
Spray and Pray
Clearly, the Benefactor has been unimpressed up to this point with the assassins she selected to rid Beacon Hills of its supernatural population. She needs to expand her horizons. She considers creating a Deadpool Fans Facebook page, but realize that this guy already has one . . .
She considers tweeting about it, but sadly remembers that “Dead Girls Can’t Tweet.”
And so, she is forced to settle for good-old fashioned printer bombing . . .
At least, this way, what she can’t deliver in Dead Supes, she makes up for in Murdered Trees . . .
Banshee People Problems . . .
Like Grandmother like daughter. Apparently, Lydia’s grandmother Lorraine, not only was a banshee like Lydia. She also looked like Lydia . . .
Was smart like Lydia (for a female to have a job at a place like IBM back then, must have been a HUGE deal) . . .
Had an athletic best friend who looked like Allison . . . like Lydia . . .
Predicted, but couldn’t prevent that friend’s death . . . like Lydia . . .
And apparently, played a part in making Meredith more bonkers than she was originally . . . like Lydia.
Banshees Don’t Predict Danger . . .
Elsewhere in town, Derek breaks the news to Scott that he’s more-or-less a born again human. It must be tough for people like Derek to go from a supernatural hot guy who occasionally sprouts unattractive hair from his ears, to a garden variety hot guy . . .
On the positive side, Derek being human means he’s no longer worth as much money dead! YAYYY!
The bad news is that the price on his head got transferred wholesale to Liam . . .
. . .which seems kind of unfair. I mean, how about spreading the wealth, Benefactor? Have you seen Parrish naked? (Clearly you have. I’m starting to think that Banshees get 24-7 live feed access to all murders happening everywhere. It’s like a really morbid version of Big Brother).
That bod’s got to be worth at least another two mil! Am I right?
In even worse news, Derek just learned he was the cipher key to open 1/3 of the deadpool. Scott, having an uncharacteristic burst of social awareness, tactfully explains what this might mean for our brooding lone wolf. “You . . . um . . . may be in . . . er . . . danger?”
(This is basically like telling someone who is about to have their leg amputated, that the doctor is going to have to make a small incision on their kneecap.)
But Derek has never been one to mince words. “Screw danger. A banshee thinks I’m going to die = I’m worm food.”
The Grandma Code
What was your THING with your grandmother? My grandma was awesome, not going to lie. She took me to the aquarium to see the sea lions (so cute), road roller coasters with me on family vacations, let me stay up late watching TV and eating Tootsie Rolls when she babysat. She rocked.
Apparently, Lydia’s thing with her grandma was reading The Little Mermaid . . . the original one, which actually had a really sad ending. (Spoiler alert: The Little Mermaid dies.)
But maybe Grandma Martin edited that part out. In fact, I think she probably did, or she wouldn’t be so cool with Lydia calling herself “Ariel” all the time, even though she kind of does look like Ariel. Don’t you think?
(Slight nitpick . . . Lydia claims she read the Hans Christian Anderson version of the Little Mermaid with her grandmother, not a book adaptation of the Disney film, as Stiles suggested. And yet, actually the name Ariel is exclusively a Disney name. The Hans Christian Andersen book doesn’t bother giving the Little Mermaid a name . . .also coincidentally, it has no Sebastian.
How on Earth can you have a Little Mermaid without that adorable Jamaican-accented crab? No wonder the story was so depressing!)
Anywhoo, that’s the key to grandma’s cipher code: Ariel . . .
More names . . . but no dollar amounts attached to these . . . why? Because they are all banshees, and . . . wait for it. They are all already DEAD!
By suicide, no less . . .
Suicide . . . DON’T DO IT!
Stiles and Lydia pay a visit to our old friend Brunski to get a look at the supposed Banshee Suicide Files. Lydia pays a cool $500 for the privilege. (Did you / do you carry around $500 in your purse in high school? I didn’t. Heck, I don’t carry $500 in my purse now! That’s what credit cards are for!)
$500. That’s a high price to pay for a tazing . . .
Around this time, honorary pack member Parrish figures out that, considering Brunski was the sole witness of all of these supposed suicides, there is a good chance they were less “suicides” and more “murders,” which is super bad news for Stiles, whose name Lydia subconsciously added to her banshee Already Dead Pool just moments earlier . . .
Totally Random Dancing
If watching the above-video gave you a headache, congratulations, you’re OLD!
Death by Dubstep. Well . . . this is new. Back a few seasons ago, only a few select people in Beacon Hills knew that supernatural creatures existed. Now, random cops, security, guards, DJs and other people we’ve never met, are not only aware of, and trying to murder Beacon Hills’ supernatural population, they are also coming up with new and inventive ways to do so that work by culling supernatural creatures out of a crowd . . .
See The Chemist . . .
And . . . the Really Bad High School Bonfire D.J. . . .
You know how they have these dog whistles that emit a sound that has such a high pitched frequency that humans can’t detect it, but it drive canines practically bonkers?
Or that, apparently after you reach around age 20, your ear stops recording high frequency sounds?
Add to this the idea of a dog whistle that can make werewolves intoxicated, and you have the conceit for this week’s Creative Assassin on Teen Wolf . . .
Think about how much money you’d save at the bar if it all it took to get drunk was listening to a few minutes of Really Bad Techno?
That would be enough dough to pay for Stiles Eichen House bills AND buy him an entire wardrobe of Sarcastic Phrase t-shirts . . .
It doesn’t take long for Scott, Malia and Liam to begin feeling the effects of the crappy Dog Whistle Music. Enter the Security Squad, who decide that the best way to murder unconscious Scott, Malia and Liam is to light them on fire during a very populated bonfire, right in the center of the high school hallway.
Riiiiight, because lighting supernatural creatures on fire worked so well for their friend Hank . . .
Speaking of Hank . . .
How’s your nose buddy?
Looks like someone got themselves a free nosejob.
Fortunately, Gay Best Friend Mason and New Human Derek become an unlikely duo in this week’s Rescue the Main Characters from Danger Challenge . . .
Unfortunately, Stiles and Lydia are going to have to wait a bit longer for their Knight and Shining Sexy Pants . . .
Hello Brunski, it’s time for Lessons in Villainy 101. When you are trying to murder the witnesses to your crimes through lethal drug injection, (1) it helps not to play a slow five-minute long tape evidencing your guilt in the murder of one of the witness’ grandmothers . . .
(2) It helps not to HAVE evidence of your guilt on a mixtape, helpfully labeled with the victim’s name on the front. (Seriously, who supplied the Teen Wolf set with so many mix tapes . . . 1992?)
(3) Try to lethally inject your victims outright, rather than babbling on about how and why you’re going to do it, thus giving the hot deputy time to shoot you in the neck . . .
Silly Dead Brunski. You don’t deserve to be the Big Bad. Clearly you are just a hater of banshees. You aren’t smart enough to orchestrate an entire deadpool. For that, we would need someone a bit more subtle in their villainy than you . . .
Someone awkward . . . someone weird . . . and oddly charming in a freaky sort of way . . . someone who everyone thought was dead, and hence, no one suspected at all . . . someone like . . . .
Now, this, I admit, was a genuine shock. Who exactly is Meredith Walker? Why does she hate supernaturals, considering she is one? Why did Brunski say she was controlling him? And is she working with/ or for anyone else?
So, many questions. And so little time until they are answered. Teen Wolf is set to air in just a few hours, so there’s barely enough to speculate. Only enough time to show you this . . .
and this . . .
Until next time, Werebangers!