Mother EFFER! – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Mother”

reunino

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Once has gone and delivered us an hour filled with mother/daughter reunions, mother/daughter reconciliations, mother/daughter bonding sessions, and a fire-breathing dragon who burns people’s faces off . . . You know, the usual . . .

After all, there’s nothing more universal than mothers. Everybody has one. Even if you were hatched out of an egg and thrown into a time portal with an extra infusion of someone else’s asshole inside of you.

So sit back, get comfy, and let’s review. Why? Because I said so! And I’m your mother . . . but not really . . .

Because Even Sociopathic Psycho Moms Enjoy Meddling in Their Daughters’ Love Lives

looking for a man

Back in Fairytale Land, Evil Queen Regina is super cranky. It’s the anniversary of her beloved stable boy’s murder by her mother. And to make matters worse, some jerks had the nerve to get married on her property. You know, because the whole kingdom is her property, basically, her being queen and all.

regina annoyed

“Next time book the church,” the Evil Queen advises, after crushing the groom’s heart with her fingertips, stalking back to her coach, and driving away, leaving her father to hitch a ride home with the folks whose son she just murdered.

the father

“On the bright side, think of all the money you saved paying for a honeymoon!”

Awk-ward!

Every mother instinctively knows when her child needs her most, and Awful Cora is no exception. “You know what you need?” Cora offers. “A man . . . you know . . . to replace the other one . . . that I killed.”

You see, Cora knows all about Regina’s dalliance with Tinkerbell and the whole “your soulmate has a lion tattoo on his wrist” thing. And because even the worst mothers want nothing more than to see their little girls settled down with a nice hunk of man meat, Mama Cora puts on her matchmaking hat and sets herself on the case.

Because Tinder wasn’t invented yet, Cora decides to pimp out her daughter in the next best place . . . a bar. She quickly comes across the Sheriff of Nottingham, who, as we know from previous episodes, is obviously a total tool. But to Cora’s credit, he is also kind of hot . . . so hot, in fact, that if he never opened his mouth, he might actually turn out to be someone’s dream man.

shirtless sheriff

If only men came equipped with mute buttons . . .

Cora asks the Sheriff about the Man with the Lion Tattoo, and the latter admits that the guy is kind of a wuss who, like, has morals and stuff. Bo-ring!

“I may be closer to finding what I’m looking for than I thought,” Cora purrs seductively to the Sheriff, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s taken a break from matchmaking for her daughter and decided to try a little of her pimp gifts on herself.

Later that night, Cora zaps Regina into the poofiest, least Evil Queen-like dress I’ve ever seen and tells her she’s found Regina’s soulmate, the Man with the Lion Tattoo. “Mom, I never thought I would say this, but you rock!” Regina exclaims. “I totally forgive you for the whole ‘brutally murdering my boyfriend’ thing.”

reg and cor

Regina meets “the Man with the Lion Tattoo” except it’s the Sheriff of Nottingham with a faux sticker tattoo on his wrist. Having never seen the face of the Man with the Lion Tattoo, Regina is initially thrilled; after all, like I said, the Sheriff of Nottingham is hot. But then he has to go and open his mouth, and everything goes to crap.

“You are such a douchebag,” says Regina. “And I’m, by far, the coolest person on this show. There is no way that you can be my soulmate.”

“Ouch, does this mean I can’t f*ck your mother behind your back on our wedding night? Because, FYI, I totally would have done that.”

“I bet that isn’t even a real tattoo,” Regina argues.

Robins-lion-tattoo-3x15-Quiet-Minds

“Why, because no two people can have the same tattoo?” Sheriff argues. “I mean, come on, a lion . . . kind of generic, don’t you think?”

Then Regina does this cool thing where she makes the Sheriff’s fake tattoo come to life, crawl up the Sheriff’s arm, and then proceed to chew it off. It’s awesome, like an evil tattoo pet!

“Hey, hey! Don’t get mad at me,” the Sheriff exclaims, as Lion Tatt chews into his pectorals. “It was your mom’s idea. She wanted to get you knocked up fast because, let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger. I mean, I get that you are supposed to be playing like an 18-20 year old in this scene, but you aren’t fooling anybody.”

Regina responds by hanging the Sheriff by his ankles over the pits of hell. Way to mutilate the messenger, Regina.

Convinced that her mother was trying to get her preggers just so she could murder Regina and use her heir as her claim to the throne, Regina lashes out at her mother by drinking a potion so that she can never have children.

“Wow, overreact much?” Cora muses, when she finds out. “I didn’t want to kill you; I just wanted to get you knocked up because babies’ are awesome and your baby with that hot sheriff would be a totally sexy baby. And, yeah, I get that being married to a douchebag isn’t ideal, but we are magical, honey. We could have put a spell on him so he’d never be able to talk.”

no moe baby

“Anyone got any alka seltzer?”

“Oops,” replies Regina, clutching her now-forever barren belly.

“It turns out, your worst enemy is yourself,” Cora informs her bereft daughter. “Might I suggest getting a puppy?”

Meanwhile, back in Present Day . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

Leave a comment

Filed under ABC, Once Upon a Time

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s