Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

trac and doc

“Is that a hypodermic needle in your pocket and a scuba hat on your head, or are you just happy to see me?”

Well, Wolfbangers, after what seems like 15 years (but was actually only four), Scott McCall and his rag tag gang of werewolves, banshees, kitsunes and Stiles but not Allison, or Isaac, or Boyd, or Danny, or Ethan, or Aiden, or Derek, or Erica, or Cora, or Jackson have finally made it to their much- awaited senior year. It’s a time for rituals, parties, prom, and graduation. But because this is Beacon Hills, it is, apparently, also a time for Wuzzles . . .

For those of you who are unfamiliar, the Wuzzles were basically children’s introduction into how creepy the wacky world of genetic engineering can be. Hailing from the Land of Wuz, the Wuzzles were crazy hybrids of two distinct members of the animal kingdom with conveniently predictable names (Bumblelion, Eleroo, Rhinokey) and refreshingly unmentioned lineage (because the idea of a bumblebee and a lion porking is not the kind of thing anyone wants to spend too much time thinking about).

Wuzzles2

They also seem to be the new Big Bads’ go-to Modus Operandi . . .a werewolf with eagle talons . . .another werewolf that climbs roofs, picks locks, and eat crows, a werewolf that can steal the powers of a wolf outside of his own pack . . . another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..

evil

A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .

ephemeral

A Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise), who fawns over age and situation inappropriate women, and is, unlike the Hufflepuff Hogwarts house in which he so obviously belongs, a really terrible finder.

investigating

In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him? Like the time he was going to bone a hot chick and, moments later, she got brutally murdered by his English teacher, or that time he turned into an Evil Toilet Paper Head with awful teeth, while rotting in a scary mental institution?

nogitsune teeth

Seriously . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

dance

[As always a special Werebanging thank you to my pal Andre, who provided all the awesome screencaps you see here.]

Flash-Forward

screaming lyd

“IS IT FRIDAY YET?”

Sometime in the not-so-distant future, Lydia Martin is in the nuthouse, a.k.a Eichen House. Being institutionalized has become kind of a rite of passage on this show, seeing as about half of the cast has already done some time (and exchanged bodily fluids) there.

eichen house cover

When we first reunite with Lydia, our girl is just chilling in the shower, just a wee bit lobotomized. (Is that an actual thing? Being a little bit lobotomized? Is that like saying someone is a little bit paraplegic?)

zombie yd

Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward. (Why is it that on every show featuring an insane asylums, all the attendants are sadistic sociopaths? Have all TV writers had really bad childhood experiences in nuthouses? Because it would certainly explain a lot.)

shuffle stepthriller-dance_o_GIFSoup_com

So, logically, the unsmiling attendants want to shoot her up with more drugs to “calm her down” or make her OD or whatever.

lyd lookin up injection

Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .

They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior . . .

lyd banshee powering lyd kicking ass

(Warning for the Kiddies: Intravenous drug use will not turn you into an X-Men Mutant / awesome kickass ninja.  Do not try this at home .  . . or in your insane asylum, wherever it is you happen to live.)

Unfortunately, all that solid IV drug use is no match for Drippy Ghost Aiden, who is both literally drippy because he is soaked in the convenient downpour that has just overtake Beacon Hills, and metaphorically drippy, because he’s delivering his lines to Lydia as if he’s reading to her the side effects on the prescription label of a bottle of Viagra.

da fuk

“You are so boring. I can’t believe you and I used to bone.”

aiden

The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.

taken down

And that’s when she turns into the Hulk AND MURDERS THEM ALL DEAD WITH HER BARE HANDS!

smash 2

Just kidding, this time she just passes out, maybe they should have done that whole taser thing a bit earlier. It would have kept everyone dry, and avoided a lot of hassle. But, hey, hindsight is twenty, twenty, right?

Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season. She then looks on in horror, as a doctor casually contemplates drilling a hole in her skull.

cutting head

“Will drilling a hole in my head mess up my hair?”

Sucks to be Lydia Martin, right?

nodding oh yeah

Unless, of course, the skull drilling has the reverse effect it’s supposed to and Lydia becomes the smartest girl in the WHOLE WIDE WORLD . . .

But first . . .

but first

We have to travel back in time to figure out how everything went to total and complete sh*t . . .

The Wall Flower

While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .

gross guy

“I hate you, Parrish, and your smooth perfect skin!”

For one thing, the man seems to be completely covered in black goo, which completely clogs the pores of the Deputy’s flawless poreless skin, the instant he comes in contact with it. He may even get a pimple. And everyone knows that a pimple-faced Parrish would be the absolute worst thing to happen to Teen Wolf, since Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.

derek dream 2 romy kicks ass

Wolfman has these weird eagle talons that steal Deputy Parrish’s powers . . . you know, the ones he still isn’t entirely aware that he has.

the nais

Someone needs a mani / pedi!

Also they kill him . . .

dying parrish

“I always knew my chiseled good looks would be the death of me.”

BabyScared

Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.

making lyd and par

“Best . . . death . . . ever.”

Now, that’s what I call a powerful wet dream tongue. (Is that another unknown banshee power about which we are not yet aware?)

Deputy Parrish’s dubious powers and flawless skin are restored! Hooray!

phoenix parrish

Too bad he’s still kind of crappy at his job (maybe if Lydia has sex with him, she can cure that ailment as well!), as we will see in the second hour.

Bonding with Bondage

bondage with ian

“This is not nearly as much fun as they make it seem in the books.”

It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage. While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!

regression to mean

Stiles worries that the band will break up after high school. He hears his dad’s cautionary tale of his no longer keeping in touch with any of his friends from high school, and it terrifies him. Scott worries that things have been going to well (translation: boring) for him and all his friends during the off-season. So, under the principle of Regression to the Mean, things are going to have to go to hell pretty soon, right? Like, say in the next ten minutes of the show?

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends . . . like that time she accidentally ate her mom and sister.

unsure malia

That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.

Fortunately, Scott is there to suck her face in the middle of the traffic jam / rain storm. How romantic!

majug

Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all.  They’ve all been there, seen that.

power steal

“Your skin is almost as flawless as Parrish. Grrr.”

come at me

Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!

Huzzah! The pores of the men of Beacon Hills have been miraculously saved! Or have they?

Scott & Allison 4 Eva A Few Seasons

aa

Over at the Senior Scribe the whole cast (except for Liam, because he’s a tiny tot, and the parents, because they are old as dirt) write their initials on a library bookshelf in a metaphor for their friendship and pack status. Malia gets to write hers too, because, apparently, being in school for a week of your junior year guarantees you graduation status.

the gang

In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .

dark allison 2 erisaac

“Three seasons as the star of this show, and all I got from you were my initials in lousy permanent marker?”

“Hi, my name is Theo.   I’m the dubiously motivated Shady Hot New Person of this season. (P.S. I’m also evil.”)

theo

Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.

Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.

wipe out

Maybe the werewolf bit him, because he hated his dorky hat . . .

Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.

really hot why worried

Detective Stiles a.k.a Batman is officially on the case (with his adorable sidekick Liam a.k.a. Robin, of course)!

theo equals evil

He notices that Theo’s dad’s signature on something he wrote in fourth grade, and something he wrote transferring him to Beacon Hill’s high look crazy different. It’s highly suspicious . . . maybe . . . I guess.

They go on a stakeout!

stakeout with stiles

Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.

in a hole

“Yeah, because this isn’t a thinly veiled metaphor for my bourgoning sexuality at all.”

fell in hole

“See?” Says Scott. “Theo isn’t a sociopath at all. He’s just your garden variety sexy werewolf . . .”

“Yeah, I’m not a sociopath at all!” Theo insists, when confronted with the mysterious errant dad signatures.

They look the same to me.

They look the same to me.

Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.

with the hammer

“Good penmanship is important, dammit.”

Then, he goes into a forest and burns bunnies while dancing around naked and worshipping Satan . . .

Scott McCall: True Alpha Veterinarian

vet scott

“Hey buddy? Think you can help me pass biology? Bark once for yes, twice for no.”

While working at Deaton’s, the owner of one of the dog’s Scott does his weird “arm fondling pain sucking” thing to mistakes him for a vet.

So, of course, Scott decides that this is exactly what he wants to do when he grows up (which, given the fact that he already looks about 30, should happen in a few months).

There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.

no idea what im doing

Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit. But before Scott can fondle animals professionally, first, he will have to graduate . . . and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.

Liam: Gummy Butt Werewolf

weird face

“Chicks man . . .”

You know what’s adorable? When studly twinks have absolutely no game. Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.

the gum chewer

Apparently, back in the day 10-year old Liam wronged Gummy Girl in some way (maybe by putting gum on her seat), and she never quite forgave him.

disgusted sum gum on butt

Don’t sweat it Liam, that’s how teeny bopper women show their love!

wants to hit that

“Is that a big wad of gum on your pants, or are you just happy to see me?”

In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason.  So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .

the wolf wolfing out li mason knows theo as wolf

Problem solved!

(So, apparently, recently-turned werewolf Evil Theo can turn into a full-wolf, whereas Scott and most of his pack can’t? Yeah, because that’s not suspicious at all . . .

A Feast for Crows

In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

vomiting feathers

“They told me it would taste like chicken?”

Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

But fear not, Tracey. Lydia and Deputy Parrish are going to use coming to your rescue as an excuse to eyef*ck one another shamelessly.

lookout dead birds

“Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?” Lydia inquires.

flirting with lyd

“Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,” responds Parrish. “Then, later that night, I’ll camp outside her house, so we can have a booty call there at midnight when you ‘bring me coffee,’ and our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs.”

dukoff

“Hmm . . . I wonder what Lydia looks like naked . . .”

“Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”

“Works for me,” answers Parrish. “Chances are three quarters of the women in this town will be dead or evil by the end of this season, so I’ll take what I can get.”

flirting 2 with ly

Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, the Doctors corner Tracey and pump her up with some drugs, that make her remember how she broke through her own window and ate all the crows on her roof, yet somehow still managed to maintain her girlish figure. (Possibly from all the black goo vomiting.)

trac wolf

Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .

And that, my friends, was the first two nights of Teen Wolf, in a nutshell.

What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?

dancing stiles moon

Until next time . . .

1 Comment

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One response to “Back to the Effed Up Future – A Brief Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Creatures of the Night” and “Parasomnia”

  1. Andre

    Well, there is another reason why Teen Wolf reminds me more and more of TVD:
    Your recaps are much funnier and better written than the shows.

    And since you mentioned all those “dead” people on the team (how likely is it that any will return? So they might be dead anyway), maybe Davis should finally learn that some characters will be gone because their actors think they can do better (Jackson) or more likely the characters disappear because their actors never had anything good to do (Boyd, Danny, Ethan, Aiden, Erica, Cora) or nothing good to do anymore (Allison, Isaac, Derek).

    Also can we safely assume now that 2 years have passed on the show by the start of this season 1? I know we apparently had 2 new school years so far, but I just want to be sure.

    Now as for creating “hybrids” by sticking parts together… Before this season started, long before actually, I joked that they would go the Frankenstein route, possibly how Buffy once did by combining humans and demons or demons in general, and looks like I was right. Which is a big let down because that is really lazy what they do there. And that is basically how these first two stories looked to be plot/storywise; they are lazy. You will see what I mean, but one thing at a time.
    You know that werewolf with the “eagle” talons and how he could drain Scott’s energy and Deaton’s sudden statement that only a Beta of his own making can drain Scott’s powers is lazy and fishy in several ways:
    1) That “talon” was not by a Harpy Eagle, as the form and size were wrong. Sure a Harpy Eagle is big but it’s not that big and that talon would be sharper and more bent, as you can see here:

    And considered that they do forged books and have all this make-up, they sure as hell could have done a more convincing talon.

    2) I am not sure whether the whole “Scott’s energy can only be drained by a Beta of his own making” is a full blown canon break or just a “True Alpha thing” but in the first episode they specifically stated that his powers cannot be drained so the Beta rule is still a canon break law in that regard. And if that rule is supposed to apply to all Alphas than it definitely is a canon break rule because Peter killed … Derek’s elder sister, I do not remember her name anymore; and Derek killed Peter to become the Alpha and remember, all three were born werewolves so how does the Beta rule apply?
    Not to mention I think the whole ordeal is just made up to shove Jackson 2.0 into our face again, just like the statement that he is an especially strong werewolf…. of course he is a special werewolf, I mean why would we want to have a normal one right? Why just deal with that without something extra special?
    Also if it’s True Alpha specific it shows Deaton’s status as a magical Negro and not an actual character because an actual advisor/mentor to Scott would have told him about all peculiarities and special rules of a True Alpha, or any Alpha for that matter, already.
    Doesn’t speak for Davis’s writing if he needs bullshit like this to further the story.

    Not to mention, how did those metal freaks even think the power draining might work? Had they anything to test it with?

    Also: another werewolf that looks nice enough but ends up being a total douchebag . ..
    Because we never had that before right?

    A werewolf who takes AP Biology despite seemingly not being able to read . . .
    And would anybody be surprised if he passes the entry test? Malia could get into senior year apparently.

    Phoenix (I mean, obviously, Parrish is a phoenix, even though they’ve spent 2.5 seasons pretending otherwise)
    And you really have to wonder why they bother to hide it. I mean seriously, even if you say he is not a phoenix (btw. if he isn’t why don’t they just say “the closest we could find was a phoenix”?), how often did they use creatures that have not been done to death in one culture or another except for the Kanaima?

    In other news, Stiles is finding himself nostalgic for the good old days, which is kind of crazy, because seriously, does he remember how awful the last four seasons have been for him?
    I would also ask, whether Jeff Davis remembers any of it or chooses to ignore it. Just to be sure, I checked upon the writers and he wrote most of the episodes of season 3 and in general, so no one can say that this is due to writer change or so. So what is it? Does he forget what he wrote or does he ignore it? I mean he makes this up as he goes along, no doubt whatsoever, but what is the reason?

    Anyway, she’s staring off into space, and kind of drooling, and doing that whole zombie shuffle step thing, as some unsmiling attendants roughly manhandle her toward her bed deep in the confines of the psych ward.
    Or as I call them:
    Cliché nuthouse person1: the abusive asshole
    Cliché nuthouse person 2: the sexual predator
    You would think nuthouse would have some more psychological stable staff don’t you?

    Also: Correct me if I am wrong here, but aren’t there tons of supernaturals down in the basement including douche Peter? Shouldn’t Lydia scream her head off with all of them down there?

    Unfortunately, for the unsmiling attendants, for reasons that science and logic most definitely cannot explain, the drugs actually end up having the opposite effect on our favorite ginger banshee. Not only do they totally wake Lydia out of her drug induced stupor . . .
    That was the least of my thoughts, I still wonder how on earth that stuff even worked since they pushed the needle in straight down so how on earth did they hit any specific blood vessel and not just muscle or solid bone.
    And it’s not difficult to film that, you see it countless times on TV and real live.

    They also instantaneously teach her to become an X-Men Mutant Ninja Warrior
    Hm, let’s check that:

    I can see a resemblance. Let’s see if she starts flying.

    The Eichen House folks are done with Aiden’s complete inability to emote too, apparently. . . so they shock Lydia into unconsciousness to put an end to these shenanigans.
    Yeah…. I really wonder what is going on here. Is this a sign of bad acting or bad directing?
    Also: Why is she hallucinating of him? Couldn’t they get Colton Haynes for a few scenes?

    Lydia is brought back to bed, has some really horrible flashbacks of all sorts of terrible things that will, apparently be happening to her friends this season.
    If it just were so, these are at best snippets from later on and none of it will happen. Don’t get me wrong, I would love it if Scott kills Jackson 2.0, if Kira and her family go away or get killed (after all the show has enough stereotypes so the more get exed off the better) or Parrish and Malia for that matter. But alas it will not happen because Jeff Davis doesn’t know how to write a good show anymore. Or maybe he never did and back then it just wasn’t so obvious.

    While investigating a noise complaint, Deputy Parrish comes upon a man stuck inside a wall, and attempts to free him, which . . . doesn’t exactly end up going as planned . . .
    I wonder more what he was doing behind that wall to begin with. Was he stuck there? Was it part of a plan? If yes in both cases I have to ask: Why? How?
    Why was he stuck and how was that supposed to work as a plan?
    And who complained about noises to begin with? They were apparently in the basement and there seems to be no one in around that house. And it doesn’t look like a plan to attack Parrish so it seems to be there to “look cool” but how would it do that? Seriously, even the energy draining thing did not have to be revealed this way, they could have done that later.

    Derek Hale stopped having perfectly pointless erotic dream sequences in every episode.
    Where is the idiot anyhow? Sure, based on the first 2 episodes it makes no difference whatsoever if he is there or not, but a token explanation would be nice. Then again he does not look sufficiently enough like Colton Haynes so maybe that is the reason.

    Then, Dead Parrish has a wet dream where Lydia sticks her tongue down his throat, and he comes back to life.
    I don’t think he was dead to begin with, then again, who can tell with this writing…
    Also, I know it’s basically just a forced romance, but what pseudo-explanation would these writers come up with to explain Lydia appearing there, or Parrish hallucinating her.

    It’s Full Moon time in Beacon Hills, which means it’s an excellent opportunity for Scott and Stiles to introduce Liam to the wild and wonderful world of bondage.
    If they had just gagged him as well. Or gave him up for adoption.
    Also, its 6 months and the kid still has troubles during the full moon and is otherwise fine? How does that work with his alleged disorder? Oh right, it doesn’t. It was just some shitty excuse to make viewers feel sorry and assume tons of things about him so the writers don’t have to spent actual effort.

    While little Liam is embracing his own personal Red Room of Pain, Scott and Stiles are waxing poetic about the one thing way more frightening that eagle-taloned pour ruiners, and unsmiling nuthouse attendants who drills holes in your skull. Of course, I’m referring to . . . THE FUTURE!
    I am not sure that whether Scott is worrying about the future. He seems pretty disinterested, or maybe that is the acting.
    And as the usual dumbass and shitty friend he is, he doesn’t waste to seconds of his two brain cells worrying about his and Stiles’s friendship. Don’t get me wrong, both acting more like friends here than they did all throughout season 4 but it’s still severely lacking in writing.

    Elsewhere in Beacon Hills, Malia is worried her time being home schooled in the woods as an honest-to-goodness coyote has put her so behind in her studies that she won’t be able to become a senior like her friends . . . also that she may get really hungry one day and eat her friends
    Oh please, the school in Beacon Hills has such low standards that even someone with no secondary school grades can just get in.
    And look Davis remembered her father, after ignoring him for an entire season, and late her use the initials for Malia Tate… just to have her do a 180 the next episode and refer to Peter and the Desert Wolf as her parents, I mean why would non-biological parents count anything right?

    That evening, yet another massive storm breaks out in Beacon Hills (do these people live in a rainforest?), and Kira worries she won’t get to the library in time for the senior ritual of vandalizing it with permanent markers.
    Doing something that looks as if she wants to get hit by a lightning bolt… if it just were so.

    Later, that power stealing, eagle talon having, perfect pore ruining demon attacks and almost steals powers from Scott at the school, en route to the Senior Scribe, while all his friends stand around and watch looking vaguely bored. It is, Season 5, after all. They’ve all been there, seen that.
    But apparently Jeff Davis wasn’t or else he wouldn’t have felt it necessary to have oily werewolf commenting on all the things Scott never did but is accredited with doing because werewolves are idiots and for some reason all this stuff gets out of Beacon Hills.
    Not to mention that this fight scene was really bad and Kira, apart from suddenly having a belt sword (somehow), is even more useless than usual and her sword couldn’t so much as get a scratch on the werewolf.
    Also, why on earth was Scott’s home charged with electromagnetism after the guy was inside?
    Or why did Davis think it was necessary to have Ms McCall say out loud where Scott is instead of having the oily guy just read the note, which he did anyhow.
    And why exactly could Scott not tell Jackson 2.0 was lying earlier by heartbeat and blood smell? And no, in the hospital scene nothing indicates that he knew it then already. Also when at home he apparently couldn’t smell the oily, dirty werewolf but later that episode Malia smells Stiles’s anxiety and doesn’t know what that is despite Stiles allegedly being anxious all the time and the episode afterwards Jackson 2.0 could smell Theo’s emotions from afar but Scott can’t smell shit.
    Or hear for that matter since neither him nor Stiles could hear lightning coming towards them in the first episode. Only Jackson 2.0 could… which is really testament towards Jeff Davis’s bad writing skills if he needs stuff like that to show Jackson 2.0 is important.

    Eventually, Scott disarms the monster, who runs off crying to his doctor friends in gas masks, who reward him for his generalized suckiness at life by brutally murdering him!
    Let’s ignore the totally cliché ending of “you failed once, you die” but how could Scott suddenly beat the guy when he was such a loser beforehand? His energy seemed drained somehow or he was at least wounded, so how did that work?
    I guess it’s for dramatic convenience but not even that was well handled. So why did Davis think this is a good idea?

    In a genuinely sweet moment, Scott scribbles the dearly departed Allison Argent’s initials “AA” into the mix, indicating that while Ms. Argent’s body may no longer be fighting supernatural crime with her friends, her spirit most certainly is . . .
    Of course it is. It’s in Kira, she is Allison’s replacement and nothing more than Allison Asian version.

    Because half of the cast has already left the show, Teen Wolf is in definite need of some tasty and fresh man meat.
    And basically give us the same thing again. Some white guy with blue eyes, short hair and muscles… also considered that he can turn into a wolf, I would say the guy is somehow a Derek replacement.
    Either way, its another sign of Teen Wolf’s dumb casting and proof that Jeff Davis’s claim of wanting to create a show without racism, sexism and homophobia is a failure. Even the homophobia part is basically “let’s ignore it” and nothing else.
    Seriously, would it have been so difficult to at least get a white guy with long or curly hair or anything? Or better, some mixed guys or east-Asian or African or anything than just the same guy they threw at us over and over. Are we supposed to believe that the percentage of blue-eyed, light-skinned, muscular white guys is so high among actors that this casting is coincidence?
    Btw. I don’t consider the guy hot at all, I couldn’t give less of a damn.

    Enter Theo, a supposed old friend of Stiles’ and Scott’s from fourth grade — who claims to have been turned into a werewolf during, no joke, a freak skateboarding accident – has heard about Scott’s True Alpha status, and wants to join his pack.
    Apart from old friend suddenly being there being an old lazy trope but the whole story is really suspicious.

    Theo’s story, and Theo, himself, are both basically full of sh*t. Stiles and Liam recognize this instinctively, but Scott, being Scott, instinctively trusts Theo. Just like he trusted his English Teacher Jennifer . . . Kate and Grandpa Argent . . . and occasionally Peter Hale . . . and we all know how well all that turned out.
    We remember but Jeff Davis either doesn’t remember or doesn’t care. And while they clearly say Stiles is right they do not seem to realize what their writing shows Scott, and Kira and Malia, as complete morons. Especially Scott should realize that Stiles is probably right. He is way more observant than Scott ever will (albeit I am just waiting for Davis to ruin that again) and despite all the last 4 seasons Scott still thinks he is right and Stiles is wrong.
    Heck, Stiles was right about Matt and yet Scott still doesn’t get it.
    I tell you at the scene in front of the car I would have wanted to hit Scott’s face with anything hard. That blank, dumb face, that doesn’t get it at all, or maybe it’s the acting again, was so annoying.
    What sort of good leader would act like this?
    Is this the True Alpha? A giant and totally naïve idiot who cannot put one and one together and accepts no opinion than his own?
    Plus the whole “Benefit of the doubt” crap: How about Scott gives this to Stiles?
    And if this weren’t enough: These werewolves are telepaths!!!! Those memories could have been implanted or seen or anything. He could have them or even belief he is Theo and so he would not be lying since he doesn’t know he is doing it.
    I guess the whole crap is so Scott “learns something” later or so, but the fact that Davis writes this bullshit now just shows how lazy he is, how little he let the characters actually develop and how little he cares about what he himself entered.

    And there is one thing:
    Scott is supposed to be a Latino, not that he really is one mind you, and in that case he is a dumb guy who looks like a stereotypical southern European, is allegedly poor (not really), more defined by muscle than brain and comes from a broken home. Now, correct me here if I am mistaken, but isn’t that a Latino stereotype in American media.

    Which basically involves Stiles and Scott watching Theo put flowers on his dead sisters grave, and Liam hanging out in a hole next to a very suspicious-looking necklace, and not picking it up, despite it undoubtedly being the key to this whole season.
    Because Davis is stupid like that. Or the director, one of them, since not only that but they had Jackson 2.0 shout pretty loud in the forest where Theo surely would have heard them and of course Stiles doesn’t tell him to shut up.

    Then, nice normal Theo does what any of us would do in such a situation, he goes and breaks his “father’s” hand for having such sloppy handwriting.
    The problem with that plan is, that you cannot really write something when your hand is in a cast and it’s your writing hand. Writing includes a full movement of the hand and the hand in a cast would not be able to move sufficiently.

    There’s only one problem. You see, Scott . . . well, he’s not exactly the sharpest wolf-colored crayon in the box. Also, he can’t read all that well, and can’t count higher than 21, and that’s only because he has a weird extra toe.
    Why don’t you write the show?

    Of course, all that doesn’t matter, when you can cure animals just by feeling them up a little bit.
    Actually, he can’t cure anything by touch, so if what he did there at the car is supposed to actually heal Stiles hand, then there is another canon law break. All he should be able to do is taking the pain away. Which btw. is what Davis himself wrote several times.

    and, apparently, because it is highly plot convenient, take AP Biology, with Lydia, Kira, and Evil Theo.
    Which makes me think they did it so Scott is there and not actually having Lydia and Kira keep an eye on Theo. Yay feminism?

    Enter Liam, who positively melts into a puddle of teen awkwardness when a lovely lady from his recent past (sixth grade, just in case this show wasn’t making me feel old enough as it is) gives him a healthy dose of side eye, and puts a wad of gum on his seat.
    Don’t care at all. I just wish the show would go GOT on his ass:

    The last time I was so annoyed by a character on TV was when I watched that Taiwanese drama Fabulous Boys and saw its spineless and idiotic female lead who even in the 1st three episodes comes along like a child (albeit being about 20 or so) and lets herself insulted by the main asshole over and over and acts like she never set foot on earth.
    Of course that is only TV if it would be fiction in general the most annoying characters are all the Herondales and Magnus Bane.

    In other Liam news, Teen Wolf’s littlest wolf cub was having a bit of difficulty “coming out” as a werewolf to his pal Mason. So, New Guy Evil Theo decided to help out . . .
    Because why use time for character development and let Jackson 2.0 or Mason handle it themselves right? No, safe time by doing the lazy route so you can use it for pointless scenes of Theo, saying this double and lots of stupid slow motion. Come on we both know that will happen eventually.

    In other new character news, meet Tracey . . . (She’s single!)

    Her hobbies include having weird nightmares about crows and doctors and occasionally vomiting black goo . . .

    That was another instance of lazy writing by Davis, or ignorant writing, it’s hard to tell the difference here.
    You see she allegedly has night terrors and the symptoms of that are:
    The universal feature of night terrors is inconsolability. During night terror bouts, patients are usually described as “bolting upright” with their eyes wide open and a look of fear and panic on their face. They will often scream. Furthermore, they will usually sweat, exhibit rapid respiration, and have a rapid heart rate (autonomic signs). In some cases, individuals are likely to have even more elaborate motor activity, such as a thrashing of limbs—which may include punching, swinging, or fleeing motions. There is a sense that the individual is trying to protect themselves and/or escape from a possible threat which threatens bodily injury.
    There is no word about hallucinations during the day, which Lydia’s mom should know as a psychologist. But apparently Davis cannot write characters that know more than he does so she doesn’t realize that what this girl has cannot be night terrors.

    Btw. That “doctor” crawling out of the locker? No suspense to me at all. Teen Wolf has to prove now that they have any substance to their effects otherwise I don’t give a damn.

    “Hey Parrish, can you come to this girl’s house, who I’ve never met before in my life and investigate it for this season’s Big Bad P.S. I’m 18, and basically graduated from high school. I’m only taking A.P. Biology for plot reasons, so I’m totally legal, OK fans?”
    That might be the only reason to hook these two up.

    Sure! I won’t find him, because I’m horrible at my job, but I’d love to stand on a chair and ignore the family of dead crows rotting outside her window, while you ogle my ass,
    Well, he seemed to notice, but as usually not much will come out of it all. I am sure of it.

    our squad car will be rocking so hard we’ll totally miss when zombie Tracy wanders off into the wilderness in her PJs
    You know what could be good for such situations? Teenagers with highly sensitive hearing and smell. But why would anyone be capable on this show right?

    “Sounds awesome,” replies Lydia. “P.S. I love you because all my previous boyfriends left the show, the writers won’t let me couple up with Stiles, even though I obviously should, and you are pretty much the only single male available, despite your being way too old for me.”
    You forgot a reason:
    He looks just like all other guys she dated and slept with.

    Oh, and they’ve also made her into a werewolf, so there’s that . . .
    I think the flashbacks suggest she was already and was now “awakened”… however that is supposed to work.

    What say you, Wolfbangers? Why do the doctors keep making Wuzzles? What’s Theo’s deal? Will Scott pass his AP Bio exam? How many episodes before the inevitable Lydia and Parrish hookup? Who the heck is Malia’s mom? Will Liam ever get that gum off his ass?
    To be honest, I never cared so little about the show as I do now. Luckily I watched Game of Thrones right after.
    I probably will be watching each episode after the Teen Wolf episode now. When GOT is over and Teen Wolf still has episodes I might check out some other show.

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