ONCE UPON A TIME: Being Evil Makes Your Hair Greasy and Other Stuff I Learned from the Season 5 Premiere

ONCE UPON A TIME - "The Dark Swan" - Immediately after becoming the Dark One, Emma disappears and the heroes must band together to save her, but first they have to find her, which will require the help of an unlikely ally. Meanwhile, in the Enchanted Forest, Emma struggles to resist her dark urges as she searches for Merlin in the hope that he can stop her transformation. Along the way to Camelot, she gets help from the plucky and brave warrior princess Merida, as well as King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table, in the adventure-filled season five premiere of "Once Upon a Time," SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27 (8:00-9:00 p.m., ET) on the ABC Television Network. (ABC/Jack Rowand) JENNIFER MORRISON

Your favorite television series about fairytale characters who make exceedingly poor life choices is back, my friends! This week on Once, the newly crowned “Dark Swan” Emma, and her rapidly changing beauty regimens, took center stage as our cast of not particularly heroic heroes and not all that villainous villains banded together to engage the Fates in an epic battle for the former “Savior’s” soul. Also, the only place to get food and beverages in Storybrooke up and moved to Camelot, which means everyone left back in Storybrooke will probably starve and die. So, it’s a really good thing all the main characters are already accounted for and/or in a coma!

coma

Oh, and the writers’ most favorite plot device reared its frustratingly fuzzy little head for a third time since the series began.

Let’s review, shall we?

Creepy Movie Ushers Are Creepy!

kid and usher

The year is 1989 (copyright Taylor Swift). Little Emma has gone to the movies by herself to see the surprisingly snoozy Disney film The Sword in the Stone, probably because the much better Disney film that actually did come out that year, The Little Mermaid, was already sold out. Also, the writers want to remind us that Disney once made a crappy movie about Camelot so they can justify the series inevitably spending so much time there this season.

stolen

While in the theater, Little Emma steals a candy bar from one of the patron’s purses and is caught by a movie usher, who knows her name . . . probably because the little tot is known for frequenting this particular theater and seeing the worst movies that happen to be playing there at any particular time. The usher could really care less about Emma’s purloined junk food. Instead, he instructs Emma to never remove the REAL Excalibur from its stone when she has the opportunity to do so.

What a lunatic! Who the heck hired this guy? I mean, he’s clearly not one of the best ushers the theater has to offer, which is why they made him usher such a bad movie.

“STRANGER DANGER!” Little Emma screams, as she dashes out of the theater.

scared emma

Or at least, that’s what she would have done, if she had good parents who taught her about these sorts of things, as opposed to her actual parents, who stuffed her in a tree and abandoned her for the first 28 years of her life . . .

ouat 4.2 snow baby

That said, Creepy Usher may have actually had a point, seeing as how back in Camelot, some guy who isn’t King Arthur tries to extract Excalibur from the stone and it causes him to turn into a smelly fart and die.

fart

A close approximation of what happened to “Galavant” the series.

fartKing Arthur takes his turn next, and I instantly dislike him for reasons I can’t quite pin down. In fact, I dislike Once’s King Arthur so much that I am literally chanting, “Please turn into a smelly fart. Please turn into a smelly fart,” the whole time he’s struggling with the sword.

your turn

He doesn’t though, and I’m super disappointed.

King Arthur is disappointed too (probably because he doesn’t realize how close he came to become a smelly fart because, if he knew that, he’d be elated). But actually, King Arthur is peeved because someone went and ate half of Excalibur, or at least that’s what it looks like to him.

In actuality, half of Excalibur is actually in Storybrooke, playing the role of “Dark One Sword.”

The budget for this show must be getting tighter, because even the props have to pull double duty . . .

Save the Savior, Save the World!

bring back

Back in Storybrooke, Regina is super pissed at Emma for saving the No Longer Very Evil Queen’s Life and, in the process, usurping Regina’s role for the season as the Villain Who Does Terrible Things to Everyone But Is Still a Fan Favorite Because She’s Just So Darn Sassy and Wears a Lot of Eye Makeup.

so stupid

To prove to fans that Regina is still sassy even though she is no longer the Resident Evil of her group of friends, Regina mercilessly insults Captain Hook, calling him Guyliner, when he tries to use the Dark One Sword/Excalibur to summon Emma back inside his pants where she so obviously belongs.

“She’s obviously no longer in Storybrooke, Mr. Metrosexual,” Regina scoffs. “Another entire season spent in this dull town would be the death of this show. I mean, think about it, there is only one place to eat here. And all the books in the library are picture books, which is why nobody in town knows how to read. Emma is clearly someplace more exciting, so we have to go there this season.”

guyliner

The crew go to visit Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey (a.k.a. the Sorcerer’s Apprentice) on his deathbed in hopes that they can steal his frequent flyer miles to go on a much needed vacation to “Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season.” Unfortunately, Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey has no frequent flyer miles (probably because he is Old, Dirty, and Homeless-Looking, which, in this day and age, pretty much guarantees you a spot on the “No Fly List.”) What Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey does have though is some other sword or wand-looking kind of thing that can create portals to different lands a la Harry Potter.

Sorcerers_Apprentice

“There’s a catch,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey. “This wand-looking thing will only transport you to ‘Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season’ if it’s wielded by a real asshole.”

Then Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey tosses the wand-looking thing to the floor and dies, and nobody seems to care all that much, especially since he’s already provided the plot-advancing information that was pretty much his entire purpose for being in this episode.

“I’ll do it. I’m a huge asshole,” Regina exclaims excitedly.

ouat 4.1.a regina mirror

She waves the wand-looking thing in the air, and nothing happens.

“You are a huge asshole, Regina, but apparently, no longer a big enough asshole to take us to Wherever the F*&k Emma Landed Last Season,” Hook announces, before sticking his tongue out at Regina and blowing a raspberry in her face.

hook intest

So much animosity between these two this season. It must be because they both desperately want Emma back in their respective pants, where they each believe she clearly belongs.

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

1 Comment

Filed under Once Upon a Time

One response to “ONCE UPON A TIME: Being Evil Makes Your Hair Greasy and Other Stuff I Learned from the Season 5 Premiere

  1. Andre

    Seeing how Disney even crams out half-assed movies for this, is there any reason given why the much more awesome gargoyles have not appeared yet?

    Or did they?

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