ONCE UPON A TIME: Merlin = Sexiest Tree Ever (S5 E5 RECAP)

merlin free

Merlin . . . making trees everywhere super jealous . . .

This week on Once, we learned that, if you betray your family members and wave your hands around erratically, you too can transform a tree into a hot person! Speaking of learning, young Henry discovered that there is no place in the world that is darker than the dreaded Friend Zone. Also this week, Rumpel found inspiration in his dishware. Plus, the dreamcatcher industry got a ton of free advertising, courtesy of ABC.

Let’s review, shall we?

You Got Tree-d!

Once upon a time, there was a sexy sorcerer named Merlin, who cried on his sword about a lost girlfriend vanquished by the Dark One. So, the Dark One used that sword and that tear to turn him into a tree, because turning him into a vegetable seemed too “on the nose.”

veggie-tales

“Hey, we resemble that remark!”

Speaking of “on the nose,” Emma learns this piece of information about Merlin by staring into his dreamcatcher. Apparently, dreamcatchers not only catch your dreams, but also all that other crap rolling around your head at any given time. Pretty scary, right? Remind me to wrap my head in tinfoil next time I’m around one of these dreamcatchers, because that will totally protect my brain from their nosiness. Tinfoil keeps out everything!

tin-foil-hat

Other things Emma learned from staring at her dreamcatcher: how King Arthur turned her parents into Stepford Doofuses!

Emma freezes her Stepford Doofus-ized parents right before they take the Dark One sword from Regina in order to relay these important pieces of information to the erstwhile Evil Queen.

Regina and Emma decide together that, since a tear over lost love was the ingredient that tree-d Merlin, a similar tear from someone else (mixed with some of Emma’s dark magic, naturally) will un-tree him!

“Hey, remember that time your mom murdered your boyfriend right in front of you? I bet that will make you cry!” Emma offers to Regina.

intense

the love

So, Emma and Regina relive the flashback from the episode during which Cora kills Regina’s first love Daniel, and, as it was designed to do, it makes Regina cry. But it also gives Emma some insight into Regina’s inner asshole. “Man, that sucked!” Emma exclaims sympathetically, as she puts the offending dreamcatcher back on the table. “No wonder you were such a raging bitch for the first two seasons of the show, before the writers decided to randomly make you into an overall nice person who’s just a little bit snarky sometimes.”

heart break

But alas, Regina’s tears aren’t enough to un-tree Hot Merlin. “I guess the brutal and traumatic death of a character that only appeared in two episodes isn’t sad enough,” Emma reasons. “Especially now that you have a new boyfriend. Because, on this show, only current love interests matter, and everyone else can go to hell . . . which, by the way, is probably where your boyfriend Daniel is, after he was turned into Frankenstein’s monster and killed all those people.”

“OK, so, whose love story is sad enough to untree Merlin?” Regina wonders.

“I’m thinking the rejection of a thirteen-year-old boy by a thirteen-year-old girl he met two days ago and thinks is kind of attractive,” Emma responds.

“Seriously? A tweenage crush gone sour? Did you forget that my mother MURDERED THE MAN I WAS GOING TO MARRY WHILE I WATCHED?” Regina asks incredulously.

“Yeah, but that was like a long time ago, and, like I said, you have a new boyfriend now, so suck it up and get over it, because this ridiculousness is needed for the plot,” Emma answers insistently.

Emma Gets Her Tear

When Henry’s new love interest’s father catches Henry pining over Violet in Camelot, he tells the poor kid, in no uncertain terms, that he disapproves of the courtship. “My daughter needs to marry a knight so he can die at a ridiculously young age on the battlefield and leave her to care for the twelve kids he and she dutifully popped out during the two years they managed to be married before his death. It’s the Medieval Dream! You, modern-day wimpy boy, who will probably live to a ripe old age and only impregnate my daughter 2 or 3 times tops, are simply not marriage material.”

“I want to learn to be a knight so I can die at a young age, after I marry Violet and turn her into a breeding mare,” Henry explains to his moms, Regina and Emma.

“You? A knight?” Emma and Regina snort simultaneously. “She won’t buy it. Better off putting out what works for you . . . like the fact that you live in a modern day world that actually has plumbing, so that your girlfriend will no longer be forced to poop in a chamber pot.”

so different

Inspired, Henry, serves up a modern day date for Violet, complete with candlelight dinner, lasagna, soda, and that same damn song he plays every time he sees her. (Hey, Henry, it’s time to get yourself a Spotify account. They are free now!)

“You seem like a cool enough guy for me to use your bathroom every once in a while, but we are never gonna bone. Sorry!” Violet exclaims, before rushing away.

never be a hero

Henry is devastated by this rejection and rushes to his moms to cry about it. Apparently, these tweenage tears over an unceremonious friend-zoning are way sadder than Regina’s “my fiancé got his heart ripped out of his chest by my mother and died in a puddle at my feet” tears, because Emma uses them, along with some weird dance moves that remind me a bit of the Macarena, to successfully un-tree Merlin.

tear dip

white and dark

“Hello, my name is Merlin. And boy are my arms tired from holding them upward in tree pose for a million years. Also, I’m sexy. I’m too sexy for the tree I used to be. Any questions?” Merlin asks.

hes back

“Do you like my cool cape? It came with the tree!”

“Yeah, can you suck the asshole out of me?” Emma inquires hopefully.

“Do you really want the asshole sucked out of you?” Merlin responds.

And, although the answer would seem to be super obvious, it’s to be continued, because we have to check up on the present day portion of this story . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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