The moment we’ve been waiting for all season has finally arrived: a Showdown between all the World’s Biggest Assholes and Emma Swan, with her old lady bun and effed-up eyebrows! It’s an epic battle of Good versus Evil . . . or, rather, Evil versus Slightly Less Evil? But first, we have to learn about Captain Hook’s daddy issues.
Let’s review, shall we?
Papa Don’t Preach . . . or Age
It should be no surprise to anyone who knows anything at all about genetics that Hook’s dad is kind of hot . . . also that he’s kind of a dick. From a flashback, we learn that, on the night of a big storm, Captain Hook’s pop (Guyliner Senior) told Baby Guyliner to be courageous and a good man. He said this literally minutes before abandoning his and his brother’s ass in the middle of the night, and selling Baby Guyliner and Baby Guyliner’s Brother into slavery, basically.
Now, I know we shouldn’t give Captain Hook a free pass on the whole “mass murderer, who rapes and pillages on the regular” thing, just because his dad was kind of a douchebag to him growing up. But you have to admit, as far as fairytale characters’ sh*tty upbringings go, Hook’s kind of ranks up there as one of the worst . . . right behind the guy who hated his parents so much, he decided to turn into a creepy insect, rather than hang out with them . . .
Also, Hook is sexy. And we give all kinds of free passes to sexy people in this world because of hormones. Damn those pesky hormones!
Sometime later Evil Queen Regina picks up a now adult Hook, in her sexy black carriage, and hits on him SO HARD! (Seriously, Regina, you may want to play it a little cooler, in the future. Guys don’t like it when girls seem too desperate.) As it turns out, the Queen wants to hire Hook to kill her mother, but only if Hook can prove he’s a big enough dick to get the job done.
“Come into my dark carriage and show me your big . . . I mean, what a big dick you are,” Regina insists, as Hook gamely follows her into the Carriage of Lust.
So, of course, at this point in the episode, I’m getting very excited because I’m thinking. “OMG! They are totally going to bone! Regina and Captain Hook are going to have Evil Angry Carriage Hate Sex! This is going to be the hottest thing ever.”
Then, I remember that this is 8 p.m. on ABC (actually slightly after 8 p.m., thanks to Obama and some scary terrorists), and my excitement wilts like that flower Belle always used to stare at to see if Rumpelstiltskin was still in a coma, or had finally croaked.
In actuality, Regina wants Hook to kill HIS dad, who, thanks to a “sleeping curse,” (and the fact that male actors of above average attractiveness, by TV law, cannot just appear in one scene of a television episode) hasn’t aged a day since he sold his sons into slavery to some old guy.
“Hi dad! Thank you for giving me sexy genes, but no thank you for giving me douchebag genes. Also, no thank you for making me grow up as a slave to someone old and unattractive. Mind if I murder you?” Hook asks his father.
“I wouldn’t mind all that much, actually,” replies Guyliner Senior, “I mean, I’m already like a 1,000 years old, so I kind of feel like I should give some other hot people a chance to do the whole living thing. Also, I’m a good person now, because of love and stuff.”
“Because you loved my mother?” Hook inquires.
“No, of course not. I hated that b*tch,” explains Guyliner Senior. “I’m talking about some other random lady, whose name I never mention, who is conveniently deceased . . . also my new son, who I love more than you, and who I named after your dead brother, who P.S. I also loved more than you.”
“OK, well, you’ll be happy to know that, your painful lack of love for me notwithstanding, I’ve decided not to kill you,” Hook offers magnanimously. “I just have to pretend I killed you, so that Regina will know I have a big enough dick . . . I mean . . . that I am a big enough dick to murder her mother. So, you have to leave town tomorrow. I’ll get you transit papers.”
“Can you also get them for the son I love more than you?” Guyliner Senior inquires, because he’s the kind of guy who has to look a gift horse in the mouth.
“That’s kind of pushing it, but OK,” Hook allows.
That night, Hook goes to give Guyliner Senior and Guyliner Senior’s son, who Guyliner Senior loves more than Hook, transit papers, when he overhears Guyliner Senior giving Son He Loves More the exact same speech he gave Baby Guyliner at the beginning of the episode about being a good person and all that jazz.
“I’ve changed my mind. I’ve decided that I’m going to kill you, because you have limited oratory skills, and are the human equivalent of a bad television rerun, basically. Seriously, who has been on earth for 1,000 years, and can’t come up with at least two different speeches to say to his various offspring? You don’t deserve to live.”
“Why? Because you believe that my giving the same speech indicates that I’m still the same douchebag I was at the beginning of the episode, and haven’t really changed at all, despite my telling you that I have?” Guyliner Senior asks.
“No! Because you are clearly a moron. And all morons must die,” answers Hook, before stabbing his dad to death, thereby ensuring that Son He Loved More will also have a very good excuse to grow up to become a Super Big Dick, and not in a good way, either.
The Mosquito Bites of Doom
Back in Storybrooke, all the Dark Ones from the Beginning of Time a.k.a. The Asshole Brigade, run around town and very efficiently touch all the main characters of the show (who aren’t Emma, Belle and Baby Neal) and give them what appears to be either a really gnarly mosquito bite / hickey on each of their arms.
“That mosquito bite/ hickey thing we have on our arms means we are all going to Hell,” insists Rumpel.
“That seems a bit dramatic, don’t you think?” Snow inquires. “The last time I had a mosquito bite I just went to the medicine cabinet and got out the Benadryl.”
“And the last time I got a hickey on my arm, it was because Snow drank too much red wine at dinner and mistook it for my neck,” adds Prince Charming.
“These aren’t just any mosquito bites / hickeys,” insists Rumpel. “They are mosquito bites / hickeys of doom!”
“Hey, if we are all in Hell together, anyway, won’t everything pretty much be exactly the same as it is now, except the parties will be way less lame?” Henry asks.
“Pretty much,” offers Rumpel. “But it’s the season finale, so the stakes need to be higher, and we all need to act like we’re going to die, rather than just temporarily relocate to a new land, like we do every season.”
Snow and Co. look in some picture books for about five seconds to see if there is anything in there about “Not going to Hell.”
When they don’t find anything relevant, they decide to do what most of us would do, if we were told we had to take a permanent vacation to Hell. They stuff their faces (because everyone knows that dead people don’t get fat), and stare lovingly at one another to the tune of cheesy music (because there is no cheesy music in Hell, which really sucks for people like Snow and Henry, who think cheesy music is the bees’ knees).
Meanwhile, Zelena is threatening to make her Rape Baby with Robin Hood evil, while Regina and Robin are in Hell, so Regina decides to magic that witch back to Oz, something she should have done about ten episodes ago.
“I’ll be back,” threatens Zelena, as she floats away.
Sure you will, Zelena. Because Once recycles villains and plot lines the way I recycle my favorite pair of underwear (after it’s been washed, of course).
You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.