This week on Once, we find love in a hopeless place. All the pregnant actresses on the show make their convenient departures. And another donation is made to the River of Sperm. (This one even comes in a jar!)
Let’s review, shall we?
Mulan and Red are dashing through Oz, searching in vain for Red’s wolf pack. This is because Mulan has been relegated to Perpetual Sidekick Status, and seems pretty much destined never to have her own storyline. While in the woods, they come across Dorothy and Toto, the latter of whom barks at Red. This makes Dorothy think that Red is witch. But actually Toto is barking because Red is part wolf . . . also because Toto has the best gaydar ever. (The pets of secretly gay fairytale characters always do.)
It’s a Meet Cute of the highest order, and poor Mulan just has to kind of stand on the sidelines, and watch it, because such is her lot in life. Always a bridesmaid, never a bride, that Mulan! Mulan is gay too, but Toto doesn’t notice, possibly because all the armor she’s wearing blocks his gaydar.
Then, Zelena appears to steal Dorothy’s slippers (they don’t match Dorothy’s outfit anyway), and ends up taking Toto instead. Dammit! Now, how is Dorothy supposed to find her next girlfriend?
“I need to get back Toto, because she’s my only friend with a brain. She was a gift to me from my now-dead Auntie Em. Auntie Em was the only one who didn’t try to have me committed to a psych ward, when I told her flying monkeys were real, and a bad CGI brainless scarecrow was my new bestie,” Dorothy explains. “Also, without Toto showing me which girls are gay, I’ll probably never get laid again. And I really, really need to get laid.”
“Well, if you really want to get laid, you might want to try wearing more flattering shoes,” Mulan adds helpfully (of course, nobody listens to her, because she’s not important to this story).
“Your family rejected you, because they think you are bat-sh*t crazy, even though you are not?” Red asks excitedly. “My family rejected me because they thought I ate my boyfriend!”
“Did you . . . eat your boyfriend, I mean?” Dorothy asks.
“Yeah, obviously! I was hungry,” Red responds.
“So . . . that’s not really the same thing as what happened to me,” Dorothy mused.
“I guess not. But we are still totally made for each other!” Red exclaims.
“Are we really though . . .?” Dorothy wonders dubiously.
“Just go with it. There’s only 30 minutes left in the episode, and we’re only in half of it. So, we need to fall in love super quickly, so we can prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” Red insists.
“I have a great idea about how to prove that Once is an LGBT friendly show,” offers Mulan. “See, my character has always been gay . . . and . . .”
“Shut up, no one asked you!” Dorothy and Red shout in unison.
Dorothy and Red decide to make a really complicated sleeping curse to knock out Zelena, instead of just finding some water to dump on her, like Dorothy did the last time. While they are out in the poppy fields collecting ingredients, the two girls encounter some flying monkeys. Because they can’t possibly outrun things with wings on two legs, Red gets all naked and wolfy, so that Dorothy can ride her barebacked to safety.
I hope you like a heaping helping of bestiality with your romance, Oncers!
(FYI Mulan is being plagued by flying monkeys too, but has to fend for herself, because nobody loves her enough to let her ride them naked through the forest . . . *insert sad violin sounds here*)
After their wild and sexy ride, Dorothy hightails it out of there, without saying goodbye or staying for breakfast, which is actually a pretty accurate metaphor for my college dating experience.
“You know, all this time, I thought I was out here in the forest, because I wanted to find my family, when what I really wanted was a hot piece of ass like Dorothy to ride me naked all night long,” Red explains conversationally to Mulan.
“You know, what you are saying kind of hurts my feelings,” responds Mulan. “It also makes me feel like I’ve been wasting my life, ever since I got on this show. I mean, I’m a hero, I led an entire army of dudes to victory, AND befriended a dragon who talks like Eddie Murphy. I’m better than this.”
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t listening,” Red replies. “Anywhoo, I’m going to go find that cute girl I met ten minutes ago, and got naked with five minutes ago, and tell her that she’s the love of my life. See ya!”
Like Water Under the Sperm Bridge
Back in the Gateway to Hell, Red rides in on a tornado (the story book version of a Uber) in search of Zelena, because the latter apparently did something crappy to Dorothy. As it turns out, the crappy thing Zelena did was put Dorothy under the sleeping curse, which is exactly what Dorothy was planning to do to her, so that seems pretty fair, actually. The problem, of course, is that no one alive LOVES Dorothy enough to wake her up with True Love’s Kiss, which means she’ll basically be sleeping for all eternity.
Or will she?
Apparently, Auntie Em is on the Gateway to Hell and SHE loves Dorothy, so the gang decide to have her spit in a vial, so that they can travel back to Oz using Dorothy’s slippers (helpfully donated by Zelena herself?), pour a little Auntie Em spit on Dorothy’s face (ew?) and wake her up from the curse.
Unfortunately, before Auntie Em can work up a really juicy loogie to hack into the vial, Hades turns her into water, but not clean water, mind you, gross spermy water that he scoops into a jar, before dumping into the River of Sperm, which, in my opinion is a waste of perfectly good sperm!
Hades apparently did this as a gift to his erstwhile girlfriend Zelena, who hates Dorothy. And this means we can add “Spermy Auntie Em in a Jar” to “Dead Flower” on “Hades’ List of Gifts for My Wicked Boo.”
Admittedly, neither of these are great gifts. But Zelena is thrilled with them both. This is probably because her last boyfriend in Oz was a flying monkey, and the only gifts she got from him were an STD and a bad case of head lice.
Hook has Bad Really Bad Handwriting, and Other Stuff I Learned from the Second Half of this Episode
“You are so totally gay for Dorothy. You should absolute ride her Ugly Slippers to Oz, so you can make out with her while she’s in a coma,” Snow insists to her friend. “It worked for my husband and me. And I hear gay marriage is legal in Oz now, so White Wedding, or should I say, Red Wedding . . . hmmm, maybe this isn’t the best place for a Game of Thrones reference.”
“That’s a great idea, Snow! You are the best,” insists Red.
“By the way, what happened to what’s her face? That girl with you in Oz. Her name started with an M. It’s right at the tip of my tongue . . . um . . . um . . .” Snow began, fumbling for Mulan’s name.
“I left her there to come here,” Red explains casually. “Hopefully, Zelena didn’t put her under a sleeping curse too, because who the heck on this show cares about her enough to wake her up?”
“I know, right?” Snow giggles conspiratorially.
(As it turns out, Mulan took the same tornado to the Underworld that Red did, but got so tired of everyone ignoring her, she rode it back to Oz, without anybody knowing.)
In other news, Snow and Charming have finally decided to be parents to their baby back home, but only because the Phone Booth they used to haunt him, and scar him for life, has been summarily disconnected. Snow tells David he should go because Snow’s name is on a tombstone on the Gateway to Hell, which means she’s sort of stuck in the Underworld for all Eternity, or at least until this show gets canceled, whichever comes sooner.
“But it’s gotta be you who goes,” explains Charming. “The actress who plays you is super pregnant, and it won’t be too long, before your belly is too big to hide behind boxes and randomly placed household appliances. Hook, cross Snow’s name off on the tombstone and put mine.”
“Why should I put your name? Maybe I should put someone else’s name entirely and you both could go together?” Hook offers.
“Because my real life wife just announced she’s going on maternity leave, and one of us still has to work to earn money for diapers, dammit!” Charming exclaims in frustration.
“Fine, have it your way,” Hook demurs.
Since Hook is practically illiterate, he writes Charming’s name on the tombstone in handwriting that vaguely resembles those cards you get in Hallmark that are supposed to look like they are made by three-year olds.
Snow and Red then hightail it back to Oz, so Red could make out with comatose Dorothy. The spit swapped by these two immediately evaporates into the air and creates a rainbow. And when your saliva makes rainbows, you know you’ve found true love for life!
Meanwhile, back in the Underworld, Belle voluntarily puts herself under a sleeping curse, so that she won’t give birth immediately, thereby at least temporarily preventing Hades from taking her child . . . also because the actress who plays her is pregnant too! (Must be something in all that spermy water they drink in the Underworld.)
I don’t know about you, but drinking a sleeping curse in the early months of pregnancy would make me really worried about fetal alcohol syndrome . . . either that or a really bad case of baby narcolepsy.
Making bad parenting choices already, Belle . . . and your tot hasn’t even been born yet. You’ll fit right in with the rest of this cast!
Until next time, My Dearies.
Cross-posted at Happy Nice Time People.com