GOT’s sixth season premiere offered a little something for everyone: long awaited reunions, kick ass females, gory murder sequences, quotable one-liners, adorable dire wolfs, more grist for the Jon Snow: Dead or Alive Speculation Mill, and naked old people. Because some folks are just really into naked old people . . .
Let’s get on with it, shall we?
[Special thanks to my talented pal Andre for all the gorgeous screencaps found here. Anything you like about this recap is his. Anything you hate about this recap is all me!]
Wanted: Deadish or Alivish
Close up on Jon Snow, looking a little bit dead. Then again, he’s been lying on the ground and bleeding for an entire year, and hasn’t decayed one bit. Plus his hair is still perfection. So, at least there’s that . . .
The wailing mournful howls of Jon’s faithful direwolf, Ghost, cause Davos to come and investigate . . . even though the presumably recent sounds of about twenty some-odd people stabbing Jon Snow, while loudly and repeatedly chanting “For the Watch,” aroused no suspicion in him, (or anyone else for that matter) whatsoever.
Davos, who has become a GOT nerdy fanboy just like the rest of us, takes some time to study the ink blot pattern made by Jon Snow’s blood for clues as to whether he might still be alive. What say you GOT fans? Does it look like a dragon? Angel Wings? Donald Trump’s Wig?
Maybe it just looks like globs of blood. And we are all pretty gross for taking so much time studying it.
Davos and Jon’s loyal friend, Edd Tollett, carry Snow’s corpse-maybe? indoors, where they encounter Melisandre, who seems surprisingly at a loss regarding how to proceed, which is weird because she’s generally “All about the Corpses” in the same way that Meghan Trainor is “All about that Bass”
Edd, to his credit, is at no such loss. He wants to kill everybody in the Knight’s Watch for what they did to his pal, Jon Snow, and Direwolf Ghost totally agrees.
At the next Knight’s Watch meeting, Thorne admits immediately to killing Jon, but tries to convince all his pals that this is a good thing. For one thing, Jon was friends with the Wildlings, and everyone knows that the Wildings have cooties. More importantly, now that Jon’s gone, the Superlative for Best Hair Among Members of the Knight’s Watch is totally up for grabs.
Later, Thorne offers an olive branch to Davos and Edd, who have taken to locking themself in a room with Jon Snow’s slightly less than alive body. If they surrender, Thorne will let Davos go home. He’ll even give him a doggie bag filled with lambchop as a parting gift. Davos is tempted by the doggie bag offer, but isn’t nearly dumb enough to think Thorne is actually going to let him leave this party alive.
Davos then decides to ask Melisandre for help, because anybody who can pull an evil shadow baby out of her nether regions must be good for something other than burning beetles, and constantly finding excuses to be naked on screen.
In which Sansa Finally Catches a Break
Back at Winterfell, Ramsey has a case of the sads, because his psycho lady friend, Myranda (lots of ladies with M names on this show) is dead. He’s also sad, because he lost Sansa and Theon, and now has nobody left at home to rape and torture, except for himself. And self-mutilation isn’t nearly as fun as mutilation of others! Ramsey’s father, Roose, gently reminds him that, without Sansa and Theon, Ramsey has no legitimate claim to the land on which they are currently living, which, honestly, has never stopped Ramsey or anyone else on this show before, so why start following the rules now?
Meanwhile, Sansa and Theon are having a little snow romp, while trying to avoid Ramsey’s men, who are currently in hot pursuit of them. They cross frozen rivers, scramble through trees, and hide in bushes, seeking comfort and some brief respite (platonic, of course) in one another’s arms, just seconds before they are discovered. Theon tries to sacrifice himself on Sansa’s behalf, but it isn’t long before Ramsey’s men find Sansa too.
Fortunately, Brienne and Podrick arrive to rescue Sansa and The Artist Formerly Known as Theon-Reek-Theon Again. Brienne pretty much wipes the floor with Ramsey’s red shirt army, which isn’t surprising. But Podrick and Theon each manage to get a couple of kills in too, which is a joy to watch.
Once all the bad guys are dead, Brienne once again swears her fealty to Sansa and offers to be her knight. This time, Sansa accepts. It’s a touching and happy moment for all around . . . at least as happy as a moment can be, when its surrounded by dead bodies, in the freezing cold, and the whole rest of the world wants all of these folks dead . . .
F*ck Everyone Who Isn’t Us!
Meanwhile, over in Kings Landing, Cersei is thrilled to hear that a boat from Dorne has arrived on her shores. Her hair has grown back into a pixie cut, since the whole Slut Shaming Incident of Season 5, and the look actually kind of works for her.
Cersei expects to be reunited with her daughter, and is understandably devastated, when her brother / lover / father of Myrcella / former incest buddy Jamie, tells her that his daughter / niece met her untimely demise at the hands of Ellaria Sand. Cersei than waxes poetic about what her beautiful teen daughter’s body will look like as she decays, which would be surprising and disturbing commentary coming from anybody but the woman who porked her brother, right on top of her young son’s bloated and gross dead body.
Cersei is particularly distraught over Myrcella’s death, because the latter was genuinely a nice person, not a little sh*t like Joffrey, or, lets be honest, most of the members of Cersei’s family, herself included.
Fortunately, Jamie is on hand to act as Cersei’s favorite cheerleader.
“Fuck prophecy, fuck fate, fuck everyone who isn’t us!” He exclaims triumphantly!
Best Team Lannister cheer ever, Jamie! How long, you think, before they start printing those lines on a t-shirt?
Dammit, how come you always get to be the one to impale pretty boys in the face!
Ellaria and the Sand Snakes continue to be kind of The Worst on this show. But they get a wee bit of a pass from me, because they are attempting to avenge the death of Oberyn. And Oberyn was pretty much the best!
Just as Prince Doran of Dorne gets news that Ellaria has poisoned Myrcella, Ellaria proceeds to easily and gorily murder him and his men, while her Sand Snakes take care of lover boy Trystane, using the oldest trick in the Gory Surprise Impalement book.
“Which of us do you want to kill you?” One of the Sand Snakes asks. (I still haven’t taken the time to learn their names or their only vaguely distinguishable personalities.)
Trystane chooses the one who is looking directly at him, dumbly turning his back on the other one,thus giving her ample opportunity to impale him in his pretty boy face. It’s a rather inventive, well-executed kill, if a bit too easily earned. Mind you, it’s not quite as cool as the Oberon Face Smash, but I’d easily put it in the top twenty of GOT murders.
The other Sand Snake who didn’t get to murder Trystane whines to her sister about it, calling her a greedy b*tch, dialogue that harkens back more to the 2004 film Mean Girls than the middle ages period during which GOT supposedly takes place.
But we will let that slide, just this once, because we liked the whole Hook in the Face thing.
Margaery is still in religious nutbar jail . . . but her hair looks fabulous
Do you think Margaery and Jon Snow go to the same Westeros Salon? When we last left Margaery, she was in religious nutbar jail with the Septa lady, who keeps telling her to “Confess, confess” and not much else, because, apparently, “Confess is the New Hodor.”
As we begin Season 6, Margaery’s situation hasn’t improved, but her hair has this nice wind-swept wave thing going on about it that is actually kind of stylish.
I wish the same could be said for her brother, Loras’ hair, as he is also, presumably, still incarcerated, though we don’t get to see him this week. That fro? Under the humid murky conditions of a Religious Nutbar Jail Cell? Forget about Surprise Face Impalings! THAT would be the most horrific aspect of this week’s episode, had the writers decided to include it, mark my words!
Blind Arya is Still Blind
When we last left Arya Stark, she was busy being punished in Burger-less White Castle by Jagen H’ghar for murdering someone on HER List of People to Kill, instead of HIS List of People to Kill. Jagen felt like Arya’s inability to restrain herself from killing people on her list made her less of the Nobody she should supposedly aspire to be. So, Jagen did what any irate boss would do in that situation, he made Arya blind, and then had his ginger minion go into town to beat her up on a daily basis.
I sure hope Burgerless-White Castle has a good healthcare and pension plan, because, otherwise, it seems like a pretty crap job to me.
Where in the World is Dany Targaryen?
When we last left Mereen, the Sons of the Harpy had just tried to murder Dany and all her friends, so Dany flew away on Drogon the Dragon, only to be discovered later and captured by a Dothraki Horde. As for Dany’s “friends,” Jorah, Daario, Varys and Tyrion, well,they were pretty much left in Mereen to die, despite the fact that they all could have comfortably fit on Dany’s dragon with her. How rude!
Now, Tyrion and Varys are snarkily flirting with one another, as they observe the wreckage that is Mereen. Then, they learn that someone set fire to all the ships there, which means means they won’t be leaving anytime soon. (Insert sad violins here).
Meanwhile, madcap buddy cop duo, Jorah and Daario, comb the countryside for their mutual ladylove, Dany, who abandoned both of their asses, without so much as a backward glance. Did I mention that Jorah has contacted greyscale, which is basically a GOT version of zombie disease (not the White Walker type zombie, more like The Walking Dead type zombie, there’s a difference)? This means there is a good chance that Jorah will eventually EAT sexy Daario, before the pair are reunited with their shared ladylove?
Now, that would be sexy . . .
Anywhoo, Daario and Jorah catch a break, when they conveniently find one of Dany’s earrings, just as they hear the sounds of an approaching Dothraki horde and conclude that Dany is with them.
You could say that Daario and Jorah are pretty lucky during this episode . . . like . . . go out and buy a few Mega Millions lottery tickets lucky . . . well, except for the whole “Having Zombie Disease” / “In Grave Danger of Being Eaten by Someone with Zombie Disease” thing . . .
In which everyone takes turns sexually harassing the Mother of Dragons
Speaking of Dany, she patiently bides her time, while the men folk of the Dothraki hoard proceed to shamelessly sexually harass her with all the skill and finesse of modern day construction workers. (They even go as far as to slap her with a “wonder if the carpets match the drapes” line, thus proving that men never change, or get more creative, when it comes to hitting on women . . . ever). Dany, who, as we well know, speaks fluent Dothraki, having been a leader of the Dothraki, not so long ago, endures all of this stoically, and is forced to endure even more, when the lady folk of the tribe start aggressively slut shaming her out of jealousy, just because she has the audacity to have blue eyes and be hot at the same time.
New-Khal Drogo insists that he will get the privilege of “lying” with Dany that night, which, I guess, is supposed to be a euphemism for sex, but speaks very poorly of New-Khal Drogo’s prowess in the bedroom. It is at this point in the conversation that Dany whips out her many titles (Mother of Dragons, Breaker of Chains, Queen of Mereen blah, blah, blah) in hopes that one of them will get her out of having sub-par sex with New-Khal Drogo. But New-Khal Drogo is unimpressed. “You are Queen of Nothing,” he says smartly, which is kind of the “I know you are, but what am I” retort of the Dothraki world.
So, Dany is forced to name drop, revealing herself as the widow of THE Khal Drogo. “Oh . . . crap . . . well I can’t pork you now,” says New-Khal Drogo. “That’s the good news, because I’m crap in the sack. The bad news is now you have to spend all eternity with the bitchy widows of dead Khals, who can never get laid again ever, because sexism.”
Ouch, can we go back to being sexually harassed in Dothraki now? I think that was the better option, don’t you?
Why you should always wear your best jewelry to bed . . .
Back at Castle Black, Melissandre is getting naked for the camera again, because it has been prophesized that a GOT episode in which Melissandre is featured, but always remains fully clothed for the entire hour, will bring about the Apocalypse. (She does it for you, Earthlings! Be grateful!) But there is something different about her. She seems more vulnerable somehow, tired, sad, a little saggy even?
Then, Melissandre removes her red necklace and this happens . . .
I smell a spinoff! (I’m also never taking off my jewelry again . . . EVER!) Until next time, GOT fans!
Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.