(Book of the Stranger, a.k.a the episode in which everyone in Westeros experiences something more rare than a double rainbow or boobies that are completely immune to fire damage . . . a good day. Well, at least everyone whose name isn’t Osha, Nameless Dead Dothraki Dudes, and Loras with the Bad Hair . . .)
I’ve always felt like Game of Thrones is a really fun show for everyone . . . except for its characters. I mean, can you imagine what a modern-day travel brochure would look like for a place like this? Westeros: The best place in the world to go when you want to: get your head chopped off; get stabbed repeatedly in the heart by all your friends; get blinded by your boss; have your face smashed in by an ogre; get brutally raped by your husband; walk through the town naked with a shaved head, while everyone flings poop at you.
And that’s why this episode of GOT was so amazing! Good things actually happened to these people . . . A LOT throughout the hour. At times, it was downright perky . . . so perky, in fact, that I’m still not sure what I watched was actually an episode of the same show show that I’ve been watching for six years. Did I hallucinate Book of the Stranger? Did you all see this too?
(As always, special thanks to Andre:Father of Screencapping, King of Capturing Awesome Moments on Screen, the Unworried Photographer, Breaker of JPEGS.)
Let’s review, and find out, shall we?
Workman’s Comp At It’s Finest
I don’t think I was alone last week in my well-founded fear that Jon Snow’s perfectly justified abandonment of the Knights Watch, a.k.a Those Douchebags Who Murdered Him, Because They Thought He Had Fallen in With a “Bad Crowd,” would prevent him from reuniting with his long-lost half-sister Sansa, who was en route to the Wall at that very moment. But, as it turns out, I underestimated Jon Snow’s deep understanding of modern day labor laws. Get murdered on the job? They can’t fire you! You are on permanent disability, man. Reap the benefits!
(And they said he knew NOTHING!)
Just because Jon isn’t working for the Knights Watch anymore, doesn’t mean he can’t hang around their house, sleep in their beds, and eat all their food? I mean, whose going to challenge his right to do this? Olliepop?
Nonetheless, unofficial new Lord Commander of the Knights Watch, Edd, wants to know what Jon’s going to do with the rest of his life, now that he doesn’t have to spend it lying naked on a slab and looking sexy, but progressively decayed.
“I don’t know, man. I feel like I just really need a vacation, you know?” Jon muses. “Maybe I’ll go to Disney World, and ride Space Mountain until I puke. Or I could do the whole Spring Break thing, like in that movie where James Franco wears gold teeth and dreds, and shoots people for fun with that chick from High School Musical.”
“Don’t be a jerk,” argues Edd. “That secretly old lady didn’t spend half an episode washing your naked body and bringing you back to life, just so you could reenact a crappy Harmony Korine movie with a great soundtrack.”
We interrupt this conversation to bring you the arrival of new guests, Sansa, Podrick, and Brienne. Holy crap! They actually made it to the wall, before Jon Snow could leave! It’s a TV Miracle!
What follows is a total fanfiction type scene, in which Sansa apologizes to Jon for being the self-centered brat she was during Season 1, and Jon apologizes for being such a typical broody, non-communicative bad-boy type in the first few episodes. Sansa wants Jon to join her in the battle to retake Winterfell from the Boltons. But Jon is all like, “Girl, what about ‘I’m on Disability / Vacation’ don’t you understand? My hero-ing days are over . . . at least until next week’s episode?
Fortunately, for Sansa. She’s pretty. And pretty girls are never at a loss for men willing to do stupid, life-threatening, things for them . . .
Under the Thumb of a Littlefinger
What’s always fun about scenes with Littlefinger is that you never know exactly what his motivation might be for doing all the seemingly random things he does. And yet, the actor’s mustache twirling, exaggeratedly devious, delivery of nearly every line he speaks (even the most mundane lines like “Hey creepy Robyn, who breastfed from his mum until he was 13, I bought you a bird), seem to indicate that he’s about thirty steps ahead of the entire cast of GOT, in terms of scheming towards an ultimate endgame.
On the surface at least, Littlefinger’s motivation this week is pretty clear. He’s carefully positioned creepy, woefully stupid, young Robyn Arryn as King of the Vale, and gained the little Pee Wee Herman-looking kid’s trust completely.
This way, he can pull that latter’s puppet strings and, more or less, rule the land himself. But when Littlefinger not-so-subtly coaxes young Robyn to utilize his army to “rescue” Sansa from Psycho Ramsey Bolton, we can’t be sure whether he’s doing it out of genuine affection for the child of the woman he once loved, or merely as another step in his Long Con to take the Iron Throne for himself.
Speaking of dubious motivations . . .
Let Them Eat Prostitutes
Even those of you GOT fans who are 100% Team Dany, when it comes to who should ultimately rule the Iron Throne at the end of the series, have to admit that our girl is at a bit of a loss when it comes to diplomacy. Don’t get me wrong, she’s great at grand gestures of force, and magical razzle dazzle that will scare the bejeezus out of anyone who dares to stand in her way (See, e.g. the end of this episode). But when it comes to the actual politics of negotiation, no offense, but she kind of sucks . . .
(In Dany’s defense, you can’t exactly blame a girl who was raised by lunatics and assholes and married to a guy who communicated through grunts and sex thrusts, for not being Alexander Hamilton.)
Tyrion, on the other hand, plays the game of politics like a champ, much to the chagrin of the more honest and innocent minded, like Greyworm and Missandrei, who prefer to pursue political gambits in a way that is a bit more transparent. “Hey there, funders of terrorists,” Tyrion offers gamely to the three rich douchebags who bankrolled the Sons of the Harpy, who recently destroyed the city of Mereen and ran Dany out of town on her dragon. “Agree to give up slavery in seven years and you all can get laid right now simultaneously, while each other watch, because, who doesn’t love doing that!”
For Tyrion Lannister, apparently, the road to the Iron Throne is filled with booze and watching sex scenes involving people that aren’t him . . . poor guy!
Speaking of homoerotic sexcapades . . .
Daario Wants Jorah to Know He Has a Big Penis . . .
On the same night that it is to be determined whether Dany can hang out with the Dothraki widow Mean Girls, or live out a lifetime of loserdom as a slave, Daario and Jorah are hot on the trail to rescue her from both fates. (To continue the Mean Girls Metaphor, Daario and Jorah are 100% the Damian and Janis of this story, though its up to you to determine which one gets to be Janis.)
Despite the fact that this mission is purportedly all about Dany, Daario still wants Jorah to know that he’s spectacular in the sack, as opposed to Jorah, who, well . . . unfortunately,Westeros in the Middle Ages is entirely without Viagra. “Honestly, I don’t think you could ride the dragon,” brags Daario. (Hint: He’s not talking about the fact that time when Dany hopped aboard Drogon, then ditched his ass and didn’t let him hop aboard Not Barney’s Back to safety with her last season.) “It’s almost too much for me, sometimes, and I’m a young man!”
While preparing for battle with the Dothraki, Jorah inadvertently reveals his zombie greyscale disease to his sexy frenemy. Daario, to his credit, is sympathetic, but nonplussed. “STD, Shemsh T D. You turn the people you have sex with into zombies. I make their hoo-hah’s burn like the dickens, and give them crabs. Same difference.”
“BRB,” adds Daario. “I’m going to go stab a Dothraki with a knife carved into the shape of a naked lady with big tits, then bash him in the head a few times with a brick, so no one could figure out it was me who did it.”
“I am so turned on right now,” admits Jorah. “Too bad I am old. My arm has already turned into a zombie. And I was born about three centuries before the invention of Viagra. And therefore, will probably never again get to have an erection for as long as I live.”
A Slightly Less Sucky Day for Margaery
Was anyone else more than a bit disappointed that the High Sparrow’s origin story was essentially, “I got really drunk one day at a party, felt guilty about it, and then forgot my shoes?” I mean, as a super villain on HBO I was expecting something sexier, a freak gas leak that left him without eyebrows and a soul or something.
Fortunately for Margaery, she has a way better “I think what you are saying is really, really interesting” face than I do, and this allows her to be reunited with her brother Loras after weeks of asking.
The bad news is that Loras is a TOTAL MESS. I’m not just talking about his hair in the prison humidity, which I was totally right about, by the way! I’m talking about the fact that his entire spirit has been crushed like Oreo cookies in a hot fudge sundae. And, just as High Sparrow predicted, it is seeing her brother like this that finally convinces Margaery to do the “Get Naked while People Throw Poop at You” shame walk of atonement.
But fear not, people who hate poop! (Who doesn’t hate poop!) Margaery has found an unusual ally in the very person who submitted to the same Poop Walk last season, CERSEI????!!
That’s right ladies and gentlemen, Cersei and Jamie “Fuck Everyone Who isn’t Us” Lannister have appealed to Lady Olenna, and suggested that the Tyrell’s use their army against the High Sparrow to prevent Margaery from taking the Walk of Poopy (more importantly, cutting that GORGEOUS HAIR). The look on Lady Olenna’s face when this plan is suggested is pretty much how we all feel in this moment.
And besides, Poopy Walks are soooo Fifth Season . . .
Love Means Never Having to Send Your Sister Your Penis in the Mail
Back at that place where it seems to always be super humid and perpetually raining (seriously, why on Earth would anyone want to live there?), Theon is reuniting with his sister Yara. At first, Yara is super mad at Theon, because she thinks he’s just coming home to become King of Super Humid and Perpetually Raining Place, but a tearful Theon has no interest whatsoever in doing that. He just wants to be with the only family he has left. Yara then admits to Theon that she knows he no longer has a penis, because Ramsey sent it to her in the mail.
Count on Ramsey to help people to avoid having Really Awkward Conversations with one another. What a swell guy!
Oh He’s a Jolly Sociopathic Fellow!
Poor Osha! Had she watched last seasons episodes of GOT (or Bran streamed them for her on his Warg-Eye DVR?), she would know that the way to get close enough to Ramsey to murder him is not by mounting him like a stallion and giving him the ride of his life. Sex with Ramsey will get you nowhere in this world, apart from a lifetime of therapy. And for Osha, what she got was worse. She got stabbed in the neck, because someone in this episode had to have a bad day, and it couldn’t be Dany, for reasons we’ll find out in just a bit . . .
Come and See!
Back at the White Wall, Davos is casually asking Melissandre what happened to his good pal Shireen. Awk-ward! (Where’s Ramsey to send someone’s weiner in the mail, when you need him?)
Fortunately for good ole, Meli, Brienne arrives to offer a tactful change of subject. “Hey Davos, speaking of people who met untimely demises, I killed your other pal Stannis. How do you like them apples?
Later, the entire gang (Jon and his pal Edd), Davos, Wilding Bro Tormund, Brienne, Podrick and Sansa are eating dinner. You could almost smell the love in the air between Tormund and Brienne . . . which is weird, and wouldn’t be nearly as emotionally satisfying as a Brienne and Jamie hookup, but I’ll take it.
Then again, maybe that isn’t love in the air I’m really sensing, but the Sweet Smell of Olliepop decay. Yep, still celebrating that turd’s murder. As I may have mentioned before, I’m a horrible human being.
During the meal, Jon gets a taunting letter from Ramsey, in which the latter indicates that he has Rickon, has killed the poor kid’s direwolf, and wants Sansa back at Winterfell for more therapy-for-life inducing rape fests. “Come and See!” Ramsey repeats throughout the letter, like he’s a travel brochure for an exotic island, and not a total and complete douchebag, who is going to get murdered so gruesomely before this series is over, that it’s going to make that Little Shit Joffrey look like he died in his sleep.
“Yeah, my spring break days are totally over. (Sorry James Franco.) We are sooooo killing this Ramsey guy,” admits Jon plainly to the rest of the dinner table.
Ramsey Bolton, ladies and gentleman: moving along plot points by being an awful human being, since sometime around Season 3 . . . Come and see!
And Finally . . . The Firestarter
Back in the Dothraki camp, Daario and Jorah reunite with Dany and totally want to rescue her. But Dany, who birthed dragons from her hoo-hah, and has magical boobies that can’t burn, has loftier ideas. At the trial to determine whether Dany can live with the Mean Girls, Dany totally sasses Not Khal Drogo. This seriously pisses Not Khal Drogo off, causing him to tell Dany that he’s going to punish her for her insouciance . . . by having sex with her. Oooh! Scary! (Dude, when your threats to women involve telling them what a bad lay you are, you have way more serious problems than a small wee-wee.)
Dany responds to threats of lousy sex, by telling all the Khals that she is about to rule the Dothraki once more, just like she did a few seasons back. This, all of the Khals find to be absolutely hilarious, because, like Osha, they refused to watch the last few seasons of GOT on Bran’s Warg DVR to their peril. “I will never be ruled by you,” exclaims Not Khal Drogo.
“True, because I’m about to turn you into bacon. And I can’t be the boss of bacon,” explains Dany matter-of-factly, before knocking over a pire to burn down the Dothraki temple and all the bad-at-sex Khals inside of it.
All the cast extras rush outside to watch their temple and all their super-bad-at-sex Khals turn into bacon. But just when it seems like the Dany is going to turn into bacon too, she emerges from the flaming temple, totally naked, but with boobies untouched by flame and as white as snow.
The rest of the Dothraki who weren’t turned into bacon bow at her feet, as one does when they see the majesty of inflammable boobies. Daario and Jorah bow too, possibly just because they’ve been walking in the desert for an entire season, and their legs are really tired . . .
Until next time, Westeros . . .
Cross posted at Happy Nice Time People.com