This week, Bran fast forwards Warg DVR to reunite with a relative; Arya gives acting notes to a porn star; we meet Sam’s dad Archie Bunker; Tommen becomes the poster child for incest baby brain damage; and Dany gives her pregame speech while on a dragon, because walking is for pussies.
While not the season’s strongest episode (or second strongest, or third strongest), “Blood of My Blood” did have some fun and exciting things to offer loyal viewers, like for example the chance to re-experience a porn star version of that little sh*t Joffrey’s death . . .
Also, after last week’s bloodbath of an hour, the Grim Reaper decided to take a well-deserved vacation from the show. So, that was pleasant, I guess!
Let’s review, shall we?
Uncle Ben-jen . . . it’s not just a box of rice anymore
When we last left Oat Bran Stark, he was taking a much needed rest after EFFING UP ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING, AND FORCING ALL HIS FRIENDS TO KILL THEMSELVES. (Ruining lives is tiring, y’all). In present time, he is still napping to the dreamlike images of his trusty Game of Thrones Warg DVR, while poor Meera is frustratedly attempting to drag his lame ass to safety.
This week’s Warg DVR installment of Game of Thrones is less a single episode of dubious importance and more a fast forwarding of the “previously on” segments from every Game of Thrones episode ever. I get it, Oat Bran. You’ve spent the past few months with an Old Man in the Tree Game of Thrones Zealot, who insists that you watch and rewatch all the most mundane scenes of the show and discuss and analyze them in great detail, when all you are really interested in is the murders and the shots of peoples’ boobies!
So, of course, among the many scene snip-its, we would get to see Jamie Lannister murdering Dany’s daddy, Aerys Targaryen, Mr. “Burn them All” himself. Because murder is cool, and crazy demented old people are always good for a few giggles.
Also, we get to see Oat Bran himself being pushed out of a tower by Jamie back in season 1. This must have been annoying for Bran to watch, because, obviously, he knew that happened to him already.
This “previously on” Warg DVR installment also contained some scenes from the Red Wedding (but not the Purple Wedding, though we’ll get that a bit later in the episode), Ned’s beheading, Dany’s “birthing of dragons,” young Ned seeking, but not getting, any answers about his sister’s whereabouts at the Tower of Joy, some folks making fire, and a whole bunch of stuff involving what Bran’s new man crush, the Night’s King, does in his spare time, when he’s not terrorizing Bran.
If you are a GOT fan less like Oat Bran and More Like Old Man (Now Dead Man) in a Tree, I’m quite certain you can find a variety of fan sites that break down and analyze in detail all of Bran’s visions. Like this:
But since I’m a bit more of an Oat Bran-type fan myself, I’ll just tell you that there was lots of murder, but minimal boobies . . .
Eventually, Meera gets tired of dragging around a lifeless sack of Oat Bran, and drops him to the ground, just as he finally wakes up from his nap. Unfortunately, this is exactly the time when Oat Bran’s skeleton friends have found him in this not-very-challenging game of hide-and-seek.
“It looks like Warg DVR is about to be cancelled due to increased subscription prices, and because it keeps people from watching any commercials,” Meera says dejectedly. “Sorry about the whole, ‘You Are About to Die,’ thing, Oat Bran. Hopefully, there are Game of Thrones reruns in heaven!”
But then . . . some dude comes by on a horse with a whole lot of conveniently stored weapons in his coat, and he kills all the skeleton things!
It’s Benjen Stark . . . back from the dead . . . kind of!
Benjen explains that he should have become a zombie or White Walker, but the Tree People cured him using dragon glass . . . information which I imagine will come in handy later on this season. Also, we’ve added back another Stark to the show! And everybody wants more Starks . . . unless, of course, your last name happens to be Lannister!
Samwell Tarley: More than Just a Meathead
Back in the hilarious family sitcom portion of the show, Sam and Gillyland, Sam, Gilly and Little Sam (which, you should know, is the actual name of Gilly’s baby, and not a euphemism for Sam’s penis), head to Sam’s parents’ house at Horn Hill. Sam briefly reminds Gilly that her dad is a racist, and a perpetual grumpster, who absolutely hates Wildings, loves hunting, and occasionally sings off-key with his wife in front of the piano about the “Good Old Days” for sh*ts and giggles.
“Whatever you do, don’t tell my dad you are a Wilding!” Sam cautions Gilly.
Then a laugh track interrupts the scene out of nowhere, because we know that’s exactly what Gilly is going to do. And it’s going to be . . . wait for it . . . hilarious!
At Sam’s house in Horn Hill, Sam’s mom, Edith Bunker, is super nice to Gilly, making you wonder how she wound up with an asshat like Archie in the first place. (Maybe his sexy spouting of showtunes makes up for his generalized assholeishness.)
As for Gilly, she’s super impressed by how friggin rich Sam is! He grew up in such a fancy place! Here people take real baths . . . and more than once every two years! And they wear clothes that aren’t made from the carcasses of dead animals! And they eat food that hasn’t been pre-chewed by that creepy wildling guy who boned all his daughters to make incest babies! In fact, within minutes of first entering Sam’s house, Gilly feels a bit like this . . .
. . . or maybe more like Julia Roberts’ character from Pretty Woman . . . you know, without all the prostitution stuff.
But then, hijinks ensure at family dinner (as they tend to do on sitcoms like this). Sam’s dad, Archie Bunker, is super mean to him, calling him Meathead, deriding him for reading too many books, and eating too many bad carbs. When Gilly tries to defend her sort-of-boyfriend / husband’s honor, she only ends up inadvertently revealing the one thing she was forbidden to reveal in the first place. She’s a Wilding! (Insert laugh track here.)
Despite all his blustering, Sam’s dad does agree to raise Gilly’s child, and let Gilly stay, but only if she works as his “Sassy Maid with a Heart of Gold,” which, if we are being totally honest, is something All in the Family was sorely lacking.
But Sam’s all, “This is the Sam and Gillyland show! I’m not agreeing to a spinoff series, until I’ve at least lasted on air long enough to get syndication rights.”
And so, Sam and Gilly escape the Evil Archie Bunker together with Little Sam (again, the baby, not the penis), but not before Sam takes daddy’s sword, because petty larceny is super funny! *insert laugh track here*
Stupid is the Head that Wears the Crown
Back at Kings Landing, Margaery (whose hair is looking more fabulous than ever, thank you very much) is finally reunited with her husband, Twerpy Tommen, mere hours before her supposed Naked Shame Walk O’ Poopy.
“Wifey, I am so very sorry, you are going to have to get poop thrown at your boobies today,” sympathizes Tommen. “If only your boobies could have super powers like Dany Targaryen’s. Then, all the poop thrown at you would bounce off your boobies and hit all the poop-flinging poor people. Because poor people are just the worst, aren’t they wifey?”
“You know Tommen, during my time in Religious Nutbar Jail (and by “during my time” I mean “in the last five minutes before you showed up”) I’ve decided to convert to Scientology like Tom Cruise and John Travolta!”
Tommen wrinkles his nose. “But High Sparrow isn’t even a Scientologist,” he argues.
“Oops,” corrects Margaery, “wrong cult whose premises I don’t really believe in, but whose allegiance might be beneficial to my career. What I mean to say is, I’ve decided to become a Religious Nutbar, and you should become one too!”
“OK,” Tommen says excitedly, drinking the Kool Aid, Margaery has carefully packed into his Care Bear lunch box.
“Don’t you want to know why I think you should become a Religious Nutbar?” Margaery asks curiously.
“No, I don’t need an explanation,” offers Tommen. “I just generally agree with the last thing anybody says to me at any given moment. It’s pretty much my only defining character trait.”
Then, comes the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Naked Poop Flinging Time!
But wait! A hero has come to rescue Margaery from the indignities suffered by his sister (probably because the actress who plays Margaery has smartly included a “no haircuts” and “no poop boobs” clause into her contract).
It’s Jamie Lannister, and he’s on a horse that can climb stairs!
This is almost as exciting as a CGI Dragon that people pretend to get burned by, while staring at a Green Screen!
“Sorry folks, there will be no poop flinging today,” Jamie explains gallantly.
“You are absolutely right,” responds High Sparrow, before laughing malevolently, stroking a fake mustache, and decapitating an entire basket of cute puppies with a single hand.
(No cute puppies were harmed in the making of this recap.)
“I proudly present to you the new Mr. and Mrs. Religious Nutbar,” High Sparrow pronounces, “They are here to remove all your First Amendment Privileges, erase the already barely there separation between church and state, and star in the best shampoo commercials ever made by man.”
And that was how King Tommen and Queen Margaery became card-carrying scientologists . . . oops, I mean that other religious cult thing from this show.
Of course, new Religious Nutbar Tommen has to punish Jamie for “walking up the stairs on a horse.” So he sends him to Riverrun so he can meet up with Brienne and have awkward sexually tense encounters with someone who isn’t his sister . . . um, I mean recapture the land for Lannister ally, Walder Frey.
Back at the castle, Jamie Lannister is soooo done with this Religious Nutbar plotline. “It’s already episode 6. Can’t we just murder High Sparrow already? Surely the show is ready for another Big Bad by now,” he explains to Cersei.
“Not until the Season Finale. Patience, Jamie,” responds an uncharacteristically serene and calculating Cersei. (Haircuts and poop boobs must be really good for your mental health!)
Then, the brother and sister pair have to make out, because, as a rule, every GOT episode needs something nauseating to happen during it. And nobody gets their head chopped off, face smashed in, poisoned until they turn purple, or has their innards pulled from their stomachs, this week, so there you have it . . .
Arya Stark: Porn Star Murderer for Hire?
Back in Braavos, Arya is still watching Game of Thrones porn. (Coach potato-ism must be a recurring genetic trait in the Stark family.) This time, Arya is watching a reenactment of my favorite all-time scene of Game of Thrones: the one where Joffrey gets poisoned by bad wine! (The play scene is almost as good as the original scene. But it would be way better with the purple face, buggy eyes and gaggy noises of actor Jack Gleeson.)
After the show is over, Arya heads off to do her Burgerless White Castle duties of poisoning Pornstar!Cersei’s rum flagon. Shortly thereafter, Pornstar!Cersei finds Arya lurking around and weirdly enough asks her for “notes” on her performance. “You should play Cersei much angrier,” Arya notes. “Also, consider painting Pornstar!Joffrey’s face purple, making his eyes bug out of his head, and extending his death scene for another ten minutes, because that would be awesome.”
“Thanks!” Pornstar!Cersei exclaims gratefully.
“You’re welcome,” Arya replies, finally realizing that maybe Burgerless White Castle isn’t such a great place to work, seeing as they insist on killing the world’s sweetest pornstars. “Hey, I wouldn’t drink that rum, if I were you.”
Like a boss, Arya, knocks the poisoned flagon out of Pornstar!Cersei’s hand, fingers Pornstar!Sansa as the woman who likely hired the hit on Pornstar!Cersei, in the first place, rescues her trusty sword Needle from the rocks, and escapes Burgerless White Castle for good, like she should have done weeks ago.
Oh, I should probably mention that Ginger Chick wants to kill Arya now, instead of just beat the shit out of her, like she’s been doing all season. This probably means that Ginger Chick is finally going to die next week! Hooray for soon-to-be dead annoying gingers!
We’ve Got Spirit, Yes We Do! We’ve Got Spirit or My Dragon will Kill You!
Finally, over in Dothraki territory, sexy Daario questions Dany about her plan for governance of Westeros, once she inevitably uses her inflammable boobs to take over the world. “Huh?” Dany responds blankly.
In case it hasn’t already been made painfully obvious, Dany Targaryen would make a crap president. But she’d make an AMAZING FOOTBALL COACH! And so what follows, in the last five minutes of the episode, is the best pre-game locker room speech ever . . . not because of what Dany says, mind you. Because what Dany says is the same empty crap coaches have been telling their teams for years, “Work hard for me. You are all equally important members of my team. We are going to destroy our opposition, blah, blah, blah!”
But she does it while on top of a dragon. And dragons, in case you didn’t know, are like chocolate and sex. Add them to anything, and it instantly becomes irresistible.
Until next time, Westeros!]
Cross post at Happy Nice Time People.
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