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ONCE UPON A TIME: Much Ado About a Dunce Cap (S5: E9 Recap)

(Please note: This is the recap for Once’s Episode 9: “The Bear King”. To read the recap of Episode 8: “Birth” click here.)

Sometimes life interferes with art, and that art, must in turn, adapt itself to life, or perish. Sometimes that adaptation process leads to better, more innovative, art. And sometimes the adaptation process leads to . . . well . . . “The Bear King.”

This is not to say that “The Bear King” was a terrible episode of Once. I for one, have seen many worse episodes of the series . . . like that random black and white one about Dr. Whale / Frankenstein, for example.

dr whale

Instead, I am merely noting that, the American Music Awards’ upcoming and inevitable preemption of next week’s Once, naturally resulted in ABC having one less week to air a full order of episodes. And this, in turn, resulted in the showrunners’ decision to offer up an immediate follow-up to the series’ landmark episode “Birth” that had significantly less impact on season 5’s main storytelling arc than I suspect it would have, had the episode aired next week, as originally intended.

Let’s review, shall we?

You Hat Me at Hello

 

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of DunBroch (where being a ginger head is a dominant trait, and everyone has a nearly incomprehensible Scottish accent) Merida’s daddy, then-King Fergus, made a deal with a witch in exchange for a stupid-looking helmet, which was supposed to make Daddy’s clansman like him enough to die horribly painful deaths in battle on his behalf.

doody_head_beer_helmet_1

The King’s receipt of a Stupid Hat that makes him popular, and everyone else around him dumb and suicidal, couldn’t have happened at a better time. After all, his kingdom is about to go to war. Also his daughter, Merida, is about to fight in her very first battle.

The King hires Mulan to help Merida learn how to fight, probably because the Kung Fu Panda and Buzz Lightyear were busy that day.

kung_fu_panda_2_2011_hd-HD Buzz-Lightyear-Toy-Story1

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On the first day of war, Mulan distracts Merida with training on the King’s instructions, because the King doesn’t want his daughter to die for his popular ginger ass. As a result Merida witnesses from afar, but isn’t able to prevent, her father’s untimely demise at the hand of a masked warrior, who stabs him in the gut, and steals his Stupid Hat right off his dead head.

It’s kind of heart-wrenching actually. So heart-wrenching that I can’t make snarky jokes about it. So instead, enjoy this adorable picture of a basket of puppies . . .

puppies

The Bear Necessities

That was then, this is now . . .

In present day, Merida is about to be crowned Queen of DunBroch. But then that witch from the beginning of the episode crashes the coronation, and tells Merida, she needs to return her the Stupid Hat, or all the gingers and people with bad Scottish accents in her kingdom will get turned into bears. . . quite possibly even the cute cartoon bears with the toilet paper on their butts from the Charmin commercials.

A fate worse than death!

A fate worse than death!

Merida finds her old pal Mulan to ask her for help finding the Stupid Hat. But Mulan isn’t in a very helpful mood, due to #LesbianHeartbreak.

felt aobut heartbreak

Soon after, Merida herself, experiences a setback, when she begins to doubt her family legacy, and by extension, her own ability to lead her kingdom, as a result of her father being dumb enough to think that wearing Stupid Hat would make him popular with a bunch of dudes just because some old lady told him it was so. This revelation freaks out Merida so much, that she actually offers up the ability to rule her kingdom to those three douchebags she almost married during the movie Brave, if they manage to find the Stupid Hat before she does.

Brave (2012) weird guys

“Stupid Hats are our specialty!”

But then Mulan meets up with Erstwhile Werewolf Red, who is back in the Enchanted Forest due to “feeling different than other women,” and “not fitting in,” and suddenly #LesbianHeartbreak Mulan is feeling #hopefulandhorny. And so, with Sexy Red in toe, Mulan leads the charge in finding the Stupid Hat that Merida needs, in order to save her kingdom from becoming #Bear-yUnhappy.

hook and red hook and red 2

Also searching for the Stupid Hat are King Arthur and Wicked Witch Zelena, aka Mr. and Mrs. The Worst. King Arthur wants the hat because, apparently, spraying his kingdom with Stepford Doofus dust wasn’t enough to secure their loyalty, because he’s just that terrible and inherently unpopular of a person. Zelena wants the Stupid Hat because she’s having a really bad hair day today.

No Fair! Zelena is already wearing a stupid hat. She can’t have two!

Red uses her wolfy sense of smell to ascertain that Arthur was actually the guy who killed Merida’s dad back in the day, which means he should currently be the proud owner of the Stupid Hat, which, as we already know, he isn’t.

When Red, Mulan and Merida confront Arthur, he admits that the Stupid Hat Arthur pried from King Fergus’ dead head was actually a fake Stupid Hat. (Don’t get me wrong, it was still a STUPID Hat, it just wasn’t the same Stupid Hat that had the power to make you popular.)

found hat

You know what this means don’t you? Merida’s dad, King Fergus, was a good ginger! Sure, he wore Stupid Hats, and spoke with an incomprehensible Scottish accent, but he didn’t use either of those things to become popular, and make his kingdom members die for him. They were dumb enough to do that all on their own, all dunce caps aside!

Merida is elated! Her dad is a ginger hero! Also, she didn’t have to lose her kingdom to those three douchebags she almost married. In fact, they (and everybody else in town) like her now, because she was willing to give up being Queen to save the rest of the kingdom from being turned into bears by an old witch. So, Merida is popular now. Also, she has the Stupid Hat. She found it in the water, right where her dad buried it right before she died.

Note: It is currently unclear whether: (1) Merida’s getting the Stupid Hat that makes you popular and 2)Merida actually becomes popular are related. But I think we are supposed to think they are entirely coincidental because “morals” and because “impressionable kids are watching.”

very pop

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: The Night is Full of Dark Ones and Terrors (S5: E8 Recap)

casting

“Becoming the Dark One has made me so much better at miming. Check it out. I’m in a box!”

Here’s a philosophical question to ponder: if someone is an Asshole, but they don’t know they are an Asshole, does that free them from the usual trappings of Asshole-ism? This week’s first of a two-part special (though the second episode frustratingly had absolutely nothing to do with the first), poses this very question, when we learn that Emma, in a quest to save her lover Captain Hook’s life, made him into her Dark One Twin Brother (um, incest much?). The “Dark Swan” accomplished this, while, simultaneously, fully succumbing to the trademark bad hair and weird eyebrows that she’d been assiduously avoiding throughout an entire season of flashbacks.

sword looker

Emma (based on her tragic makeover, mostly) knew full well that she had become a Super Asshole and behaved as such. But Hook (who used to be kind of an asshole back in the day), had no clue he’d been converted into a Super Asshole (i.e. no tragic makeover for him), and, as a result, acted like a pretty nice guy, up until the moment he learned of his Assholeism.

hook pel

Extend that logic, and it is entirely possible that the only reason Emma’s been acting so sh*tty all season, is that she’s really pissed off about her white old lady bun and having to sport those wacky evil eyebrows.

dark one

Confused? Intrigued? Feeling like an evil asshole, due to some poor fashion choices you might have made recently?

However you happen to be feeling, let’s review shall we?

(I say we change things up, and start our recap in present day, this time around. This way, we can experience our Big Assholey Reveal at the same time Hook experiences it, by looking inside that fateful dreamcatcher at the same time he does.)

You Can’t Handle the Truth!

frat boys

When the episode begins, our boys are back in town! Charming, Hook and Robin Hood, a.k.a. The Frat Boys of Storybrooke, are banding together to sniff out that little weasel Arthur, who is hanging out in his stupid tent with his Stepford Doofus wife. First, they confront him about the whole “trying to burn the mushroom that makes you talk to wizards” thing. Then, they ask him about Nimue. When Arthur is able to offer no helpful information about either, the Fratboys of Storybrooke chase Arthur down, in hopes of beating the ever loving crap out of him, something most fans of the show have wanted to do since this douchebag first appeared on screen.

arthur 1

Hook gets into a particularly sexy and homoerotic tussle with King Arthur. But when he starts to lose the battle, Dark One Emma swoops in to rescue her boyfriend’s tight leather pants-wearing ass. “That was really nice of you, Emma,” Hook offers appreciatively. “I’m thinking maybe you aren’t as big of as Asshole as you want us all to think you are.”

dark one

“Nope. I’m still a huge Asshole. I just didn’t want to see your sexy body bruised by stupid Arthur and his stupider sword play games, because he is clearly the worst, ” Emma responds dismissively.

“Tell me now, Emma! Tell me why you became a huge Asshole!” Hook demands.

why i

Then comes the weird moment in the episode, where Emma Swan literally morphs into Jack Nicholson’s character from A Few Good Men. In fact, I’m pretty sure she actually says the words, “YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH,” making the exact same angrily constipated facial expressions Jack did when he uttered that same iconic line. (Which, I guess, makes Captain Hook our Tom Cruise?)

Don’t believe me? See for yourself.

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/kqh7q/?pid=happynicetimepeople

https://youtu.be/5j2F4VcBmeo

So, there you have it, folks. Jack Nicholson ordered the Code Red on William Santiago, and Emma Swan turned into a Super Asshole just for her boyfriend. And as much as I adore Captain Swan, and all their eternal broody sexiness, I’m pretty sure I just set the feminist movement back about 50 years by typing that last sentence.

Captain Hook: Detective of Love!

what to see

“I see London. I see France. Dark Ones don’t wear any underpants . . . because they are too binding.”

Fully intrigued by Emma’s Dark One ability to occasionally turn into the greatest actors of all time, and also by the shocking and admittedly ego boosting revelation that he may be entirely responsible for his girlfriend’s Assholeyness, Captain Hook goes on a mission to find out what happened in Camelot that turned Emma into someone who sometimes talks like Jack Nicholson, wears an old lady bun, and has weird eyebrows.

Hook decides to seek his erstwhile enemy Rumpel’s advice on this, because the former Dark One just so happens to be the resident expert on Love and Assholeism. “Anyone who willingly wears eyebrows like that must be feeling super guilty about something. Find out why Emma feels guilty, and you’ll find out the mystery to why she’s such an asshole,” Rumpel advises sagely.

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/kqie8/?pid=happynicetimepeople

“Or I could just become Bella Swan and keep trying to kill myself, so my girlfriend (who I guess would be the Vampire Edward in this scenario) will have to save me and hang out with me, and maybe then she’ll tell me why she’s such an Asshole,” Hook explains excitedly.

depression thing get it

“That wasn’t what I meant,” Rumpel cautions. “Actually I don’t think that suicide attempts are a healthy way to . . .”

“Thanks Rumpel, you’re the greatest,” Hook exclaims excitedly, as he runs to go jump off a building, because making good life choices is for pussies and unattractive people.

Emma saves Hook from dying again. And Hook shows his extreme gratitude for this selfless act by . . . asking Emma once again why she’s such an Asshole. Real suave, Hook!

Hook quickly recovers from his faux pas though, by showing Emma his impressive collection of man jewelry. Because everyone knows that nothing helps a guy get into a girl’s pants (and also learn why she’s such an asshole) like man jewelry.

ouat 4.2 hook squee

Hook admits to Emma that, back in the day, he got a new piece of man jewelry, every time he did something particularly assholey . . . at least until he ran out of fingers. (Unfortunately, we didn’t get to see Hook’s feet, so we can’t be sure whether he’s wearing asshole souvenirs on them as well.) Now, he wears the rings as a reminder that he used to be an asshole but isn’t one anymore.

Emma whistles uncomfortably at Hook’s admission of erstwhile assholeism, and later we find out why. She also shows Hook the ring on a pendant he gave her back in Camelot, which now I’m hoping didn’t come off some dead pirate’s fat finger, because that would make the Gift of Man Jewelry a smidge less romantic than we all originally thought it was, and also a little gross / potentially unsanitary.

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/kqjn6/?pid=happynicetimepeople

Hook still insists on wanting to know why Emma is an asshole, so Emma decides to show him the house he wanted to buy for her back in Camelot, in which she now lives. Then, Emma and Hook start making out, and she roofies him with her tongue, because this relationship wasn’t already sufficiently dysfunctional.

i love you

https://www.whipclip.com/embed/kqjpf/?pid=happynicetimepeople

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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Lord of the Assholes – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s Season 4B Finale “Operation Mongoose, Parts 1 and 2”

punch author

This week on Once Upon a Time’s dramatic two-part season finale, the Author proved himself to be the crappiest alt-world fanfiction writer ever. Snow White got a new, even worse haircut. (Yes, it is possible!) A few people died, then un-died. A long-awaited “I love you” was exchanged. Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey remained Old, Dirty and Homeless-Looking, then died and stayed dead. And Storybrooke got both a new Author and a brand new Lord Assholes to rule over the other Assholes, both of whom are most likely exactly who you expected them to be based on watching previews of this episode . . .

heroes and villains

And so without further adieu, for the last time this season, shall we review?

In Which The Author’s Crappy Origins Are Finally Revealed

author as salesman

If you are unhappy with any of the recent plot points of Once, please feel free to blame the shoddy hiring process that was utilized to pick the person who wrote the story. (The real-life writers and producers of this show couldn’t possibly have been more self-deprecating in establishing this particular story arc.) Apparently, the job of writing the “book of life” for the characters in “the greatest fairytale ever told” goes to the failed TV Salesman who chooses the coolest pen from a table full of otherwise really forgettable pens. (I’m pretty sure I even saw a Bic in that group.)

pens

It’s like one of those personality quizzes you take online, except much, much lamer . . .

“The previous author died about ten minutes ago, and we need to fill the position, ASAP. So, we don’t have time to do smart things like call your references, or ask you questions about your job experience, or do a criminal background check, or make sure you know how to read,” explains Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey to future Author Isaac.

whats this

(In a clever nod to Disney verse, Isaac’s flashback actually took place in 1966, the year of Walt Disney’s death . . . thus confirming our suspicions that the man who created Disney World and Mickey Mouse has excellent taste in pens.)

“Look, there’s a magical door. Go play god for the rest of eternity,” offers Old Dirty Homeless-Looking Mickey carelessly, which kind of makes you wonder how he got his job.

Perhaps he had to pick the grossest beard from a table of otherwise forgettable examples of facial hair . . .

Sorcerers_Apprentice

EMIT A NOPU ECNO (That’s Once Upon a Time backwards, FYI)

If you want to venture a guess at the quality of the alt-world fanfiction Author Isaac writes at dying Rumpel’s behest, you may wish to consider the fact that he seemingly wrote the entire thing in about an hour tops. “Finish that book in T-minus ten seconds, or my prunelike black heart will turn to dust and I will become the Biggest Asshole this world has ever known. Also, there will be an Apocalypse. But no rush. Please, by all means, take your time determining the fate of all humanity,” Rumpel gently prods.

ouat 4.3 rumpel

Author Isaac barely has time to spell check, let alone storyboard a cohesive plot. So he does what most of us would do in this sort of life-or-death situation. He cuts corners. He plagiarizes himself a bit. A “story where villains get their happy ending” becomes a “story where certain characters Freaky Friday one another and the good guys still win, except for the fact that the good guys in this story look exactly like the assholes from the other story he wrote.”

bobs big snow

“It’s like looking in a mirror . . . a funhouse mirror that makes you look like you have a really bad haircut.”

It’s all very confusing, and yet oddly familiar. Also, the Author writes himself his own happy ending in which he’s a bestselling author in the real world, most likely by writing the world population into mindless illiterates who have terrible taste in pens . . .

But Evil Author Isaac didn’t count on one thing . . . a boy with the power to screw up all his plans, ruin his day, and expose his book for the middle school grade piece of fanfiction it actually is . . . a boy who has positively no friends his own age, has weird codependency issues with his mothers, and has nothing but free time. He’s Norman Bates from Psycho basically, a.k.a., at least in this world, Henry.

henry alone

Thinking fast, Henry decides to jump into Evil Author Isaac’s crappy book to save his family, much like the character in that 80s music video with the bad pencil drawings and the inexplicable car races . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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Mother EFFER! – A Recap of Once Upon a Time’s “Mother”

reunino

Just in time for Mother’s Day, Once has gone and delivered us an hour filled with mother/daughter reunions, mother/daughter reconciliations, mother/daughter bonding sessions, and a fire-breathing dragon who burns people’s faces off . . . You know, the usual . . .

After all, there’s nothing more universal than mothers. Everybody has one. Even if you were hatched out of an egg and thrown into a time portal with an extra infusion of someone else’s asshole inside of you.

So sit back, get comfy, and let’s review. Why? Because I said so! And I’m your mother . . . but not really . . .

Because Even Sociopathic Psycho Moms Enjoy Meddling in Their Daughters’ Love Lives

looking for a man

Back in Fairytale Land, Evil Queen Regina is super cranky. It’s the anniversary of her beloved stable boy’s murder by her mother. And to make matters worse, some jerks had the nerve to get married on her property. You know, because the whole kingdom is her property, basically, her being queen and all.

regina annoyed

“Next time book the church,” the Evil Queen advises, after crushing the groom’s heart with her fingertips, stalking back to her coach, and driving away, leaving her father to hitch a ride home with the folks whose son she just murdered.

the father

“On the bright side, think of all the money you saved paying for a honeymoon!”

Awk-ward!

Every mother instinctively knows when her child needs her most, and Awful Cora is no exception. “You know what you need?” Cora offers. “A man . . . you know . . . to replace the other one . . . that I killed.”

You see, Cora knows all about Regina’s dalliance with Tinkerbell and the whole “your soulmate has a lion tattoo on his wrist” thing. And because even the worst mothers want nothing more than to see their little girls settled down with a nice hunk of man meat, Mama Cora puts on her matchmaking hat and sets herself on the case.

Because Tinder wasn’t invented yet, Cora decides to pimp out her daughter in the next best place . . . a bar. She quickly comes across the Sheriff of Nottingham, who, as we know from previous episodes, is obviously a total tool. But to Cora’s credit, he is also kind of hot . . . so hot, in fact, that if he never opened his mouth, he might actually turn out to be someone’s dream man.

shirtless sheriff

If only men came equipped with mute buttons . . .

Cora asks the Sheriff about the Man with the Lion Tattoo, and the latter admits that the guy is kind of a wuss who, like, has morals and stuff. Bo-ring!

“I may be closer to finding what I’m looking for than I thought,” Cora purrs seductively to the Sheriff, in a way that makes me wonder if she’s taken a break from matchmaking for her daughter and decided to try a little of her pimp gifts on herself.

Later that night, Cora zaps Regina into the poofiest, least Evil Queen-like dress I’ve ever seen and tells her she’s found Regina’s soulmate, the Man with the Lion Tattoo. “Mom, I never thought I would say this, but you rock!” Regina exclaims. “I totally forgive you for the whole ‘brutally murdering my boyfriend’ thing.”

reg and cor

Regina meets “the Man with the Lion Tattoo” except it’s the Sheriff of Nottingham with a faux sticker tattoo on his wrist. Having never seen the face of the Man with the Lion Tattoo, Regina is initially thrilled; after all, like I said, the Sheriff of Nottingham is hot. But then he has to go and open his mouth, and everything goes to crap.

“You are such a douchebag,” says Regina. “And I’m, by far, the coolest person on this show. There is no way that you can be my soulmate.”

“Ouch, does this mean I can’t f*ck your mother behind your back on our wedding night? Because, FYI, I totally would have done that.”

“I bet that isn’t even a real tattoo,” Regina argues.

Robins-lion-tattoo-3x15-Quiet-Minds

“Why, because no two people can have the same tattoo?” Sheriff argues. “I mean, come on, a lion . . . kind of generic, don’t you think?”

Then Regina does this cool thing where she makes the Sheriff’s fake tattoo come to life, crawl up the Sheriff’s arm, and then proceed to chew it off. It’s awesome, like an evil tattoo pet!

“Hey, hey! Don’t get mad at me,” the Sheriff exclaims, as Lion Tatt chews into his pectorals. “It was your mom’s idea. She wanted to get you knocked up fast because, let’s face it, you aren’t getting any younger. I mean, I get that you are supposed to be playing like an 18-20 year old in this scene, but you aren’t fooling anybody.”

Regina responds by hanging the Sheriff by his ankles over the pits of hell. Way to mutilate the messenger, Regina.

Convinced that her mother was trying to get her preggers just so she could murder Regina and use her heir as her claim to the throne, Regina lashes out at her mother by drinking a potion so that she can never have children.

“Wow, overreact much?” Cora muses, when she finds out. “I didn’t want to kill you; I just wanted to get you knocked up because babies’ are awesome and your baby with that hot sheriff would be a totally sexy baby. And, yeah, I get that being married to a douchebag isn’t ideal, but we are magical, honey. We could have put a spell on him so he’d never be able to talk.”

no moe baby

“Anyone got any alka seltzer?”

“Oops,” replies Regina, clutching her now-forever barren belly.

“It turns out, your worst enemy is yourself,” Cora informs her bereft daughter. “Might I suggest getting a puppy?”

Meanwhile, back in Present Day . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE.

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ONCE UPON A TIME: Ridiculously Bad Life Choices (S4:E20 – Insert obligatory weed reference here)

sees her

Regrets. We all have them. Sometimes they are little, like the time you drank too much and said those things you weren’t supposed to say. Sometimes they are big, like the time you ruined a friendship or broke the heart of someone you loved.

Sometimes they are friggin’ huge, like the time you kidnapped a baby, turned it into the biggest asshole ever, and dumped it through a time portal . . .

ouat 4.2 snow baby

Oh, so you are saying you never did that last one? Maybe that’s just Snow and Charming . . .

This week’s installment of Once was all about the balance between taking responsibility for our own crappy mistakes and understanding that there are some things in life that simply cannot be changed . . . well . . . unless you happen to know an Author who can conveniently erase your mistakes for you, thereby allowing you to f*ck up to your heart’s content.

Also this week on Once, Swan Queen road trips, car chases, kids who change nationalities when they become adults, a heart that gets tossed around like a hot potato, and a baby conceived under the creepiest circumstances ever, and I’m not even talking about the one that hatched out of an egg . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Black Smoke Monster Cometh!

Bet you didn’t know the Black Smoke Monster from Lost is also the Sorcerer on Once Upon a Time. That sure is one busy time traveling fart . . .

text smoke

As the episode begins, Old Hairy Homeless-Looking Mickey Mouse is pleading with the Black Smoke Monster Sorcerer. “Please don’t vacuum me up into fart oblivion like you did to the drug runner on Lost. I really didn’t mean to play a part in sucking all of Emma’s assholeness out of her and putting it into Lily. It just sort of happened.”

Sorcerers_Apprentice

“Don’t worry. It’s not your fault. I don’t know what I expected, hiring a dumb unkempt hobo to be my apprentice. I blame that Author, which is why I locked him in a book forever, where he will never be found, until those meddling kids release him 30 years or so from now. . .”

Thirty years later . . .

Cruella’s Dead. It’s Vacation Time!

Our gang mourns Dead Socio Cruella for the required three minutes and twenty seconds (I wonder whose job it was to scoop up her squished body from the bottom of that cliff?), before heading back to Granny’s to get wasted. “I’m going to kill Rumpel for making me kill Cruella,” Emma says, her eyes filled with Asshole.

Once-Upon-A-Time-Episode-4-19-Lily-once-upon-a-time-38404452-500-333

“Whatchu talkin bout, Dark!Emma?”

“Hey, ease up on the killing talk, Killer,” offers Snow. “That’s just the Asshole in you talking.”

“Shut up, I still hate you and your hideous haircut,” replies Emma.

“This has been fun and all, but I have to go rescue my boyfriend from his wife . . . the fake one, obviously,” Regina explains.

Enter Maleficent. “Hey guys. I’ve decided I want to change teams.”

mal

“You’re going to become a lesbian?” Emma asks.

“No, silly. I was always a lesbian,” explains Maleficent. “Think about it, I asexually reproduced my daughter in an egg. I’m talking about joining Team Good Guys. I think you can help me find my daughter, Lily, somewhere in Massachusetts. You might remember her from back when she was a Latina girl in that flashback. She’s no longer Latina, since her face turned into another actress. But I’m sure you can find her anyway.”

lily and emma together

“Well, this is awkward,” says Emma, when she sees the 30-year old birth announcement Maleficent found of Lily. (How did she know it was the same Lily, especially considering the girl changes nationalities every few years? Did the birth announcement mention she cracked out of an egg?)

baby dragon

“I was kind of an asshole to that little asshole, back in the day,” Emma admits.

“Aint’ fate a bitch,” offers Regina sympathetically. “Hey, I’ve got an idea, Emma. You and me can road trip to Massachusetts to pick up Lily, then New York to pick up Robin Hood, then Disney World to ride the scary Snow White ride, where you and I can both get out all of our aggression against your awful mother and her ridiculous hair.”

fate a bitch
“I’m sitting right here,” Snow White chimes in.

“Nobody cares,” Regina and Emma say in unison.

Regina and Emma quickly make arrangements for their road trip. Regina hires Maleficent to guard Belle’s heart from Rumpel. And Emma grudgingly hires her parents to watch Henry. She also sexts Captain Hook some naughty pics of her to keep him warm while she’s away. Just kidding, but they do share some serious PDA as she’s leaving and admit that they are part of one another’s happy endings . . .

pda

It’s all very sweet. Captain Hook is going to be a brilliant housewife someday . . .

You can check out the rest of this recap HERE!

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