Yes Blair, we could tell by that balled up clump of fishnet stockings you wore on your head, that you were most certainly not yourself, this week. Go back to Chuck, honey. You dressed MUCH better, when you were dating him . . .”
Welcome back, Upper East Siders! So, the last time we spoke, Chuck was in a coma. A pregnant Blair was suffering from some serious internal bleeding. And things were looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show.
Now, a couple of holidays and a hiatus later, things are STILL looking VERY, VERY bad, for pretty much everyone on the show, but for entirely different reasons . . .
I think we ALL need a Monkey hug, and a good cry, after watching this . . .
Have you ever watched a television show that made you feel like you’ve just been punked? Like, at any moment, Ashton Kutcher is going to jump on your couch and say, “Just kidding! That was the fake episode! Now, you can watch the real one . . .”
Yeah, that’s kind of how I felt after watching “The End of the Affair?” . . . or . . . as I like to call it: The Episode Where Blair Makes a Monumentally Bad Decision and Rudely Blames the Man Upstairs.”
Sorry sweetie, but the truth hurts sometimes. . .
“Let Him Live . . .”
My first major gripe about the episode was the sequence in which it was shot. By using a Jump Foward / Flashback style of storytelling, the writers effectively took the most gut-wrenching and nerve-wracking aspect of the story (i.e. the Non Judging Breakfast Club sit in the hospital, anxiously awaiting the fate of Chuck and Blair), and haphazardly swept it under the rug, in favor of the virtual non-mystery of why Blair and Dan were acting so “mysteriously,” a few weeks later. (I think most of us figured that one out, about five minutes into the episode . . .)
DAN: “So, Blair, are you up for seeing a movie? I was thinking about Rosemary’s Baby . . . err . . . umm . . . I mean, Sophie’s Choice . . . While you were Sleeping? Aw crap! Let’s just see the new Chipmunk movie, and call it a day.”
I feel like this was a tremendous missed opportunity to showcase the acting abilities of our talented GG cast. I mean, their two best friends were DYING for crying out loud. Hey, I know it’s maudlin, writers! But if you are going to make the decision to put two of your main characters (one of whom is PREGNANT), in a near-lethal car accident, I wanna see some angst! I wanna see some tears! I wanna see the possibility of some Emmys, for crying out loud!
I don’t care if the CW will never, ever win an Emmy, for as long as I live! I still believe in you, Ed Westwick!
. . . Emmy Hopeful.
But that’s beside the point of this recap . . .
So, what I’m going to do for you, dear readers, is tell the story of this episode chronologically, the way I believe it should have been told. Perhaps, that will help make more sense of it.
I strongly doubt it, but it’s worth a shot.
I’ll begin with the most painfully beautiful moment in the entire episode. Chuck and Blair get rolled into the hospital on separate gurneys. They are both still conscious, but in an exceptional amount of pain, and incredibly frightened. Doctors surround them both, and there is a lot of blood on both beds.
Then, it happens. Chuck looks at Blair, and she looks back at him. The expression that passes between them is a mixture of love, longing, hope, and fear. Chuck reaches out his hand, as if to grab for Blair. But then he falls unconscious. His hand falls back, lifeless onto the gurney. Blair watches on, heartbroken, terrified, crushed. We all feel her pain.
It’s moments like these that remind me how VERY GOOD this episode could have been . . .
We cut to Blair waking up in a hospital bed. Serena comes in to see her, still dressed in her gown from Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena’s coming out party. Serena is tentative and nervous. She has bad
but not particularly surprising news. Blair lost the baby.
Now, in Leighton’s and Blake’s defense, they handle this heartbreaking scene with aplomb. Blair’s tears bring a stepped-on puppy-like whimper to my throat. Serena’s reaction is more muted, which makes sense. After all, she has had time to process this, and wants to be strong for Blair. And yet, you can still tell she is breaking inside.
And. . . then the two pretty much never mention it again . . .
Now, I’m not saying that I wanted to watch an entire philosophical discussion on the loss of Blair’s baby. Let’s face it, philosophical discussions are not why most (OK . . . any) of us watch Gossip Girl. But this is a HUGE deal! I mean, Blair’s feelings about the loss of this baby have to be REALLY complicated, all things considered.
On one hand, this was going to be Blair’s first child. She may not have wanted to become pregnant, but Blair had made the decision to raise this baby. She had grown to love it, and had planned out a future raising it with Chuck. This is a loss of the most personal kind for her.
But there are also darker emotions surrounding this baby. For one thing, this was Blair’s sole link to Louis-bot, a
machine man she doesn’t really love, and seems to have saddled herself to, more out of obligation than anything else. Also, though the writers often seem to forget, Blair is still in college. She’s someone who has extremely high career aspirations for herself, ones that a child would have certainly impacted. So, I would think that Blair would be feeling just a teensy bit relieved, as well as SUPER guilty for feeling that way.
It would have been nice of the writers to pay homage to that . . . especially since it’s something to which I suspect a lot of young mothers (and even some not so young mothers) who end up miscarrying, could strongly relate. Just sayin . . .
But alas, Serena’s not done being the bearer of bad news. She also has to tell Blair that Chuck hasn’t woken up since his . . . operation? “He’s lost a lot of blood. It’s not looking good,” says Serena solemnly.
Don’t go into the light, Chuck . . . (there’s no booze, there.)
Talk about guilt and sadness! Surely, we cannot blame Blair for seeking solace in the hospital chapel, in her time of need. It’s something many of us (even those of us who are less than religiously inclined) would have done if placed in that terrible situation. We also can’t blame her for praying for Chuck’s life, or for offering up some sort of generalized sacrifice, in exchange for his continued existence on this Earth . . .
But that’s when things start to get WEIRD . . .
and by weird, I mean LAME. Blair promises El Jefe in the Sky that she will marry the Cyborg, if He (or She) lets Chuck survive (Really? That’s the sacrifice she chose? She couldn’t have just given up designer shoes, or weird hats like the hideous one we see her wearing later on in the episode, or something?). Lo and behold! At that very moment, an angel a nurse enters the chapel, bathed in heavenly white light bad fluorescent lighting, to tell Blair that Chuck is asking for her.
And if Chuck was actually awake, when Blair arrived at his bedside, the episode could have ended right here, and I would have been an extremely happy camper.
Well, aside from the whole “Ignoring the Dead Baby” thing. But NOOOO! Chuck had to take a nap! So, Blair had to tell his sleepy, lazy, ass, that “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I won’t love you.”
And then, she JUST WALKS AWAY . . . while Chuck snores (OK . . . he doesn’t snore. But, you get what I mean), blissfully unaware that his LIFE HAS JUST BEEN RUINED . . . AGAIN!
When a fully-recovered Chuck finally does confront Blair, he can’t understand (and neither can most of the fanbase), why she’s suddenly giving him the cold shoulder. After all, not long ago, the two were happily declaring mutual love, and planning out their lives together? So, what gives? Ask the angel in nurse’s clothing!
Dan and Blair Sitting in a Tree, P-R-A-Y-I-N-G
We find Chuck and Louis-bot in the rain, some time later, having what would probably be considered a romantic moonlight moment together, if this were another show, and Louis-bot weren’t WAY too boring for even a gay-version of Chuck to love. Of course, immediately I started to worry about Louis-bot. I mean, don’t robots tend to rust, when they get wet? I kept expecting him to droop down into a slouch, and stop working entirely!
WARNING: Placing Louis-bot under water may result in electric shock . . .
(Actually, that just got me thinking about something . . . So, Blair won’t be with Chuck, because she’s afraid God will KILL HIM, if she does. But what if Louis-bot dies
because he is assassinated by a Secret Group of both Chair and Dair fans, working together toward the only thing on which they can truly agree? What does that say about Blair’s little theory? Will that be her fault, as well?)
Anywhoo, Chuck and Louis-bot are apparently a bit worried about Blair, who has recently returned to town, after some time away, and has been giving them both the brush-off. (Golly gee? I wonder why?) Chuck offers to bring Louis-bot back to Blair’s in his limo, because the poor cyborg has the sniffles. Isn’t that sweet?
NO, DAMMIT! Let the bastard rust! He’s ruining the show!
At La Casa de Waldorf, the two possibly jilted lovers contemplate whether Blair might be having an affair with Donut Dan. (Really? Again? Didn’t we do this storyline, already?) There is even some talk about whether it would be appropriate to hire a private investigator to figure that out. (Yes, because hiring a private investigator always works out SO WELL for You Rich People . . .)
“Is it your turn to follow Blair to Brooklyn this week, or mine?”
After the boy and his robot depart, we see Blair skulking in the darkness . . . something she does, to varying degrees, throughout the entire episode. Come to think of it, the entire cast seems to skulk in the darkness throughout most of this episode . . .quite possibly because they are embarrassed by some of the inane things the writers are making their characters do . . .
“Maybe if I wear this, no one will recognize me.”
Chuck then heads out to Brooklyn (The characters have all been going there a lot lately. Is Brooklyn the New Upper East Side?) to confront Humpty Humphrey about whether or not he’s actually boning Blair. The Donut plays dumb, not surprisingly. But, in a twist that shocks absolutely no one, the minute Chuck leaves, Blair is waiting in the wings, with her catchphrase for the episode: “He can never know the truth.”
Well, now, that sounds like a Lifetime movie waiting to happen . . .
The next day, Donut finds Blair crying in the most gorgeous Vera Wang wedding dress I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t feel right wearing this dress, when everything has changed so much in her life, since she last had it on.
“Hey Chuck! No peeking, before the wedding! It’s bad luck (and also a bit pervy).”
Humpty Humphrey suggests a new dress. Sadly enough, this statement only reminded me of that terrible movie Bride Wars, in which Kate Hudson said, “You don’t alter Vera to fit you. You alter yourself to fit Vera.”
Ahhh . . . but Kate Hudson is no Blair Waldorf, apparently. Because, seconds later, out pops a very perky Vera Wang, who’s just positively thrilled to whip up a new dress for the Girl Who Would Be Queen B . . . at the VERY last minute. She’s such a trooper, that Vera!
PRODUCT PLACEMENT ALERT!
This is followed by more skulking around town for Dan and Blair. (Did I mention Blair is dressed like that Madeleine chick from the children’s books? Weird . ..) You know who else is skulking around? Chuck. He’s watching Dan and Blair, while making The Face. You know The Face I’m talking about . . .
Yep. That’s the one . . .
Then, Dan and Blair go into a Secret House alone together!
Chuck makes The Face again, only this time, it’s a MADDER Face.
As it turns out (though, of course, Super Sleuth Chuck never even thinks to investigate this), the Secret House Donut and Blair have been sneaking in and out of, throughout the hiatus, is actually not a hotel that rents by the hour (Thank the LORD!). It’s actually . . . wait for it . . . a CHURCH . . . one to which some kindly priest has given Blair her very own key. Riiiiight, because that’s what priests do . . . give members of their congregation their own keys, just for fun! *insert inappropriate, and highly offensive, priest joke here*
Apparently, Blair’s been chatting with her good pal, Upstairs, hoping that she can get some kind of reprieve on that TERRIBLE DEAL SHE MADE WITH HIM OR HER. But before the Man or Woman Upstairs can kindly tell Blair, “Sorry, can’t talk now, have global hunger, war, massive poverty, and disease to cure, first,” she looks out the window to see Chuck almost get KILLED BY A CAR . . . AGAIN.
(Will this madness never end?)
Convenient, right? Well, just like the angelic nurse from earlier, this is apparently all the signs Blair needs to know she is most definitely fated to live out a miserable life with Robot Man. Somewhere in Heaven, an angel has lost his wings . . .
There’s a New Gossip Girl in Town . . .
Way to bury the lead, writers! Here’s another important thing that happened on the Upper East Side, during the hiatus, that none of us got to see: Gossip Girl was FIRED! Seriously! They didn’t even let her do the episode introduction!
Apparently, as promised, Serena and the rest of the Non Judging Breakfast Club punished our series’ narrator for purportedly sicking the paparazzi on Chuck and Blair, by publicly blaming her for Chuck’s and Blair’s accident. Harsh! So, now where are people sending those juicy blasts and photographs they used to send Gossip Girl, you might ask?
Wait for it . . . to Serena van der Woodsen . . .
“O . . . M . . . G!”
That’s right boys and girls. Apparently, not only is Serena capable of reading, she can also write . . . well, blog. (Yes, I am fully aware that I just insulted myself. Thank you for noticing . . .)
Oh, how the mighty UES hath fallen? Can you imagine having to go from reading the smart, witty, snarky barbs of Kristen Bell to being stuck with mind-numbing descriptions of what Serena van der Woodsen had for breakfast that morning. Chuck’s and Blair’s accident was a sad night for the Upper East Side, indeed . . .
Remember that part in Mean Girls, where, the moment Rachel McAdam’s character got fat and relatively unpopular, the other two girls started idolizing Lindsay Lohan’s character, simply because they needed to follow someone? Well, that’s kind of what happens with the original Gossip Girl loses her crown. All the UES cronies end up sending their “blasts” to . . . Serena.
But whatever is our blonde bastion of integrity to do with all this power?
New Boss Nate says PUBLISH THEM ALL! (You know, because he’s the “honest” journalist . . . with “integrity” or something.) But Serena’s not so sure she should do that. After all, it was her idea to get GG fired, in the first place. Wouldn’t that make her a hypocrite?
(And besides, she just bought a new pair of shoes that she really wants the UES’ opinion on!)
So, what exactly do these two aforementioned storylines have in common, you might ask?
Not much. Well, you see, as I mentioned earlier Chuck and Louis-bot are now fully convinced that Donut and Blair are having an affair (After all, they saw them TALKING and entering a BUILDING together. What other reason could they possibly have for doing that, than boning?). Therefore, TweedleBass and TweedleBot come up with the brilliant idea to (1) review Serena’s e-mail themselves for more damning evidence; and (2)”out” Dan and Blair as the hottest new Secret Couple at Nate’s Spectator party, by inserting one of these pictures into the Spectator’s slide show.
*insert robot laugh here*
Learning what Bot and Chuck are planning to do, prompts Serena to FINALLY confront her friend about what “F” is happening between her and Dan. So, FINALLY, Blair comes clean about her whole Pact with the LAWWWWD! thing. Not surprisingly, Serena finds it just as ridiculous as the rest of us. “That was not a miracle. That was modern medicine!” Serena snarks of Chuck’s Return from the Great Beyond. “God doesn’t punish people for being in love,” she explains further.
“When I become the smartest character on the show . . . something is VERY, VERY wrong.”
But Blair, having already drank the writer’s Kool-Aid, is unconvinced. And this causes Serena to have to make the Ultimate Sacrifice, in order to protect her friends secret. Serena must . . . pretend publicly to be DATING
her brother DAN THE DONUT . . .
Wait . . . what? I’m sorry, did that not make sense to anyone else? Why would Blair and Dan be spending all this time together, if Serena and Dan were screwing? Do they need a chaperone, or something? Are we actually supposed to believe that a savvy guy like Chuck is going to buy this pile of steaming horse poopy? Heck, even Nate’s too smart to fall for this one!
“I am? Wait . . . yes, I am to smart to fall for that!”
Oh, Serena, honey! If you really wanted another opportunity to screw Humpty Humphrey that badly, all you really had to do is wear a brunette wig, and tell Dan that if he squints really hard, you might just pass for Blair . . . (Kind of like someone else we know did once . . . remember?)
In the end, Serena gets to smooch a certain Donut at the stroke of Midnight at the Spectator New Year’s party . . .
. . . while Blair (surprise) kisses that slug Louis-bot, and Chuck kisses Monkey . . . or at least he would if Monkey was actually invited to the party. (Stupid Nate! You are so dog-ist!)
Did I mention that Serena decides to read and publish those Gossip Blasts, after all? Oh, but she’s going to do it “with honor” . . . whatever that means?
“Integrity RULES! Let’s go get wasted . . .”
Speaking of the Blogger Formerly Known as Gossip Girl . . .
Strange Bedfellows . . .
Nate’s been getting some weird text messages lately . . . No, not the good dirty kind . . . the kind that tells him he’s not a “journalist with integrity,” because he accused the paparazzi (and Gossip Girl) of almost killing Chuck and Blair, without knowing “the whole story.” So, Nate does a little investigating. He interviews the limo driver, checks his receipts, and looks at some pictures. All of this helps him to find out what most of us already knew: (1) that the limo driver’s brakes had been cut prior to heading off into the night; and (2) that the limo that crashed was actually meant for Nate . . .
Oh, but the real kicker is this . . . I bet you’ll never guess who’s been providing him with this intel? It’s GOSSIP GIRL . . . the real one . . . (XOXO!). And she wants to pair up with Nate to solve the Big Mystery we all already figured out, in exchange for getting her blog back. Sounds like a good deal right?
(Now, if we could only get her to confirm our suspicions that Diana is really Chuck’s mom? Which reminds me, did the GG writers just completely forget that Diana was returning to town the night of Chuck’s accident?)
In other sort of gossip-related news . . .
Will the Real Charlie (Lola) Rhodes please stand up?
It seems there were more private investigator in this episode than there were sensible plot points. The other private investigator was hired by Lily to find Not-Really Charlie Rhodes. Lily is so shocked to learn that “Charlie” never left New York that she heads immediately to the college where the Crazy Cousin is apparently enrolled. However, when Lily finally comes face-to-face with Charlie Rhodes, or “Lola” as she calls herself, she’s not the Charlie / Ivy / Call Me Serena we’ve grown to know and not-necessarily love, but, rather, some other random blonde chick.
“Who the f*&k are you?”
Convinced that this woman is just some other lady who happens to share Charlotte Rhodes’ name, Lily decides to finally let “Charlie” go and be Charlie. But, here’s the kicker. Lola Rhodes is the REAL Charlie Rhodes . . . says the wallet-sized photograph of Mama Carol, sitting right next to her student ID. So, now is someone going to tell me how “Lola Rhodes” has managed to live on the Upper East Side all this time, and NEVER, EVER ran into Gossip Girl? For shame!
“That Charlie . . . what a loser!”
But even a less-than-stellar Gossip Girl episode like this one, wouldn’t be complete, without a gut-squeezing sob fest of a Chair scene. And we got one . . .
“Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
Oh Blair, your mouth says no, but every other part of you says yes to Chuck Bass. Why else do you make it your business to visit him at the end of every episode that involves you purportedly cutting him out of your life. What made this particular scene so incredibly painful was how genuinely excited Chuck was to see Blair.
It was almost as if he, like the rest of us, believed this entire episode to be nothing but a VERY BAD (and boring) DREAM. But noooooo . . . Blair just wants to tell Chuck to not revert back to douchedom, now that she’s given him the old heave-ho, religious style.
You’ve got to admit, it’s a valid point. When the going gets tough, Chuck does have a tendency to get douchey. And this is coming from someone who loves Chuck dearly, even when he’s on his absolute worst behavior.
But Chuck’s not about to give up on Blair. He knows the moment they shared in that limo, and before it, at the Empire was 100% real. And he’s not going to make the same mistake again, of giving up on what he loves without a fight.
And why would he, hen the chemistry between Chuck and Blair is just as scorching as ever, even during a moment as turbulent (and frustrating) as this one . . .
And yet, the clincher of this scene is when Blair repeats to Chuck those very same words we heard her say to him in the hospital . . . words that he is only now allowing himself to remember: “Just because we can’t be together, doesn’t mean I don’t love you.”
You know that saying, “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back to you, it’s meant to be yours?” DON’T FOLLOW THAT ADVICE, CHUCK! You chase after that girl, and don’t stop until she’s back in your arms. It’s what Jesus would do . . . (Yeah, I went there.)
Speaking of which, you know how Blair explained away her odd behavior to Louis-bot at the end of the episode? She claimed it was because she was converting to Catholicism? Yeah . . . I have nothing to say about that . . . at all . . .
But hey, next week’s episode looks promising (at least according to our friends from Canada) . . . Check it out . . .
As for the United States, their promo chooses to focus more on Blair getting wasted, and arrested. (Silly Americans, and their boozy ways! :))