Category Archives: Lost

What Lost’s Jacob’s “Candidate” Job Opening Might Have Looked Like, if He Posted it on Careerbuilder.com

Those of you who watched Lost’s penultimate episode, “What They Died For,” last night (which was excellent, by the way), already know that, during it, the “mysterious and godlike” Jacob finally selected Jack Shepard as his “Candidate” to replace him on the Island. 

(And, for those of you who were surprised that it ended up being Jack, I have GOOD NEWS for you!  I am in the process of selling the Empire State Building for dirt cheap!  If interested, please send a check in the amount of $1 million, made payable to TV Recappers Anonymous, at  . . .)

Yeah, it was kind of predictable (and by “kind of” I mean “very”) that Jack would take the reins as “Guarder of the Light Thingy.”  And yet, while many of us viewers immediately surmised that this would ultimately end up being the case, Jacob, himself, was not nearly as quick on the uptake.  In fact, it literally took this dude CENTURIES of bringing people to the island and watching them die senseless deaths, to solve, what was essentially, a Human Resources Issue.

But all of this could have been avoided, had Jacob simply took advantage of modern hiring technology.  (After all, we already know the Island has internet access . . . ) 

So, just for kicks, I thought it might be fun to see what a “Jacob’s Candidate” job posting might have looked like, had it actually been placed on a job search website, like Careerbuilder.com.

Employer: Jacob

Job Title:   “Protector of the Light”

Location:   Undisclosed, but we call it “The Island”

Employee Type:    Full Time (And I’m not talking a 40 – 60 hour work week, either.  I mean REALLY full, like you will do ABSOLUTELY nothing else, for the duration of your life.)

Manages Others:    Nah, we killed all the “Others.”  Except for maybe, this guy.

Job Type:   Security, Godliness

Experience:   No prior experience necessary

Salary:   Non-applicable (Your “payment” is the pride of knowing that you have been chosen over centuries of other less worthy applicants, you ungrateful turd.)

Benefits:  See “salary” description above.  But you are more than welcome to all the fish .  . . and polar bears that you want to eat.

To be honest, we haven’t actually SEEN a polar bear around these parts since Season 1.  But that’s OK.  It just means more FISH FOR YOU!

Duties:

1) Keep the Man in Black from “entering the Light”

2) Keep the Light from going out

3) Keep the Man in Black from killing you

4) Find more suitable replacement “Candidates,” just in case you fail to do items 1 through 3

5) Smolder, brood, and generally try to look self-important ALL THE TIME.

Requirements:

1) A crappy home life a MUST!

2) Nonexistent or minimal sex life . . . unless you are this guy . . .

In which case, screw all you want!

3) Daddy issues

4) God complex

5) The ability to run quickly, and cover long distances, when chased by a polar bear or puff of black smoke . . .

Transportation:  Last time we checked, there were three ways of transporting one’s self to the island.  They are: (1) plane or jet crash;

(2) shipwreck; or

3) submarine

Please note:  Here at the Island, we do not cover your relocation expenses.  However, should you arrive at the Island via means 1 or 2, you may ultimately be able to have your travel fees reimbursed, as a result of a class action lawsuit begun on your behalf.  There is no guarantee of your actually receiving such reimbursement, however, as most people in the outside world are probably going to think you are DEAD.

So, what are you waiting for?  Apply Now!  Your violent and untimely death FUTURE is just a mouse click away! 🙂

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Filed under Lost

Would the REAL Charlotte Lewis please stand up? (A Tale of Mistaken Identity, Blog-style)

I don’t tend to air my personal stuff on this blog.  However, I thought my fellow bloggers might find this tale to be particularly amusing.  You might have even experienced something like it for yourselves.  So, I decided to share it . . .

 So, I was browsing through today’s blog statistics, and noticed they were abnormally high.  This is great, right?  “You should be happy,” you say.

 But me, being the pessimistic person I am, I was a bit skeptical of my sudden “burst in popularity,” and decided to research a bit further.  I found out that the post that was raking in most of my hits was, oddly enough, a months old recap for the television show Lost, entitled,  “Keep Your Shirt off Sawyer!”

Now, granted, old as the post may be, it has ALWAYS been one of my more popular posts.  And, while, I would like to think, it is because the blogosphere truly values my “mad recapping skills,” I think it actually has more to do with the post’s slightly bawdy title . . . Oh, and did I mention it contains A LOT of sexy Josh Holloway as Sawyer pictures?  Like, for example, this one . . .

 . . . which I actually think I used about 3 or 4 times in the same post, because I liked it so much.  And this one . . .

 . . . featuring Josh Holloway as Sawyer, and Ken Leung as his bromantic buddy, Miles.  The above picture may not show as much skin as the first, but it’s still hot, in a homoerotic, Brokeback Mountain, sort of way.  Then of course, there was this one . . .

I have three words for you . . . BEAR . . . CAGE . . . SEX.

Now, while I know you all love Sawyer, that still didn’t explain HOW MUCH more popular this particular post was today, as opposed to say .  . . after the Lost episode I was writing about actually aired.  So, I decided to dig a little deeper.  And what I noticed was that an INSANE number of people found my blog today by searching for “Charlotte Lewis,” and a very good number of those searchers, clicked on this picture . . .

 . . . and this picture . . .

Both of which, of course, feature the actress Rebecca Mader, who played the now-dead Lost character named  . . .  you guessed it . . . CHARLOTTE LEWIS!

So, at this point, I got REALLY excited!

You see, I remembered that next week’s upcoming installment of Lost, the penultimate of the series, is entitled “What They Died For.”  And based on this article featured in Entertainment Weekly, I deduced that the episode might include some very intriguing island flashbacks of some heretofore dead Losties (including Charlotte Lewis), and explain . . . drumroll please . . . “what they died for.”  And THAT got me to thinking that SOMEONE on the World Wide Web had recently released some interesting information about the Charlotte Lewis character, and her upcoming Lost appearance, that I hadn’t heard about yet.

So, being the nosy nelly I am, I opened up my computer search engine, and, as many of YOU obviously did today, I typed in . . . wait for it . . . “Charlotte Lewis.”

The first article that popped up in my search was one entitled Charlotte Lewis claims she was sexually abused by Roman Polanski.

Huh?  Roman Polanski sexually abused a dead fictional character on Lost? 

Ooh, you’re gonna be sorry, Mr. Polanski, the Smoke Monster doesn’t take kindly to that . . .

But seeing as the above scenario is highly unlikely (But wouldn’t it be cool, if it were true?).  I decided to actually READ the internet article.

Shocking, I know.  Anyway, it turns out that this is the REAL Charlotte Lewis  .  . .

(Photo “borrowed” from Stir Online Magazine)

Apparently, back in the ’80s, this Charlotte Lewis was kind of a hottie.  She had a few bit parts in movies, and appeared in Playboy a bunch of times . . .

She actually looks a bit like actress Tia Carrerre, no?

So, apparently, according to Charlotte Lewis . . .

Yeah . . . that one.

Polanski sexually abused her, when she was only 16, while the two were on the set of Polanski’s film Pirates . . .

“ARRRRR!  Walk the plank . . . in MY PANTS!”

 . . . now maybe I’m wrong, and this was a fabulous film, but it sure looks lame from that poster.  (Not that making a lame film, is any excuse for allegedly raping teens, because it’s NOT!)

But what’s interesting is that, without researching my blog stats today, I might never have learned this important piece of information.  So, thank you WordPress!  Oh, and to all those blog searchers (that are clearly better informed than I am), who mistakenly stumbled upon my blog, while looking for information on Roman Polanski and non-Lost character Charlotte Lewis, my sincere apologies.  Here, let me give you something, to make it up to you . . .

I assume that all is forgiven now, RIGHT?

(Oh, and if anyone else out there has a fun “mistaken identity” blog tale, please feel free to stop by and share . . .)

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Filed under Entertainment News, Lost, Roman Polanski

10 Things I Learned from Watching Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life . . .

[This is a snarky Lost post.  One that contains subtle (if, perhaps, ineffective) attempts at using humor, to discuss certain aspects of this week’s episode.  If you are a “serious” Lost fan who ONLY enjoys “serious” Lost episode analysis, this might not be the best place for you to hang out . . .]

Seeing as Lost is supposed to be a “smart show” . . .

“Sawyer is DREAMY!”

. . . and I subscribe to the school of thought that television can be educational, whenever I watch Lost, I am always on the lookout for whatever tidbits of knowledge I can glean from Damon Lindelof, Carlton Cuse and Co.  Since I learned quite a few things from this week’s Jacob and MIB-centric Lost episode, I figured, why not share that knowledge with my readers?  So, without further adieu, here is my list of the Ten Things I Learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that Might Help Me Later in Life:

1) If you are about to give birth on a seemingly deserted island, and you run into C.J. Cregg from The West Wing, except she’s looking a bit worse for wear, and rocking some SERIOUSLY bad hair extensions . . . RUN . . . AWAY . . . FAST!

2)  When expecting a child, always have a few spare names handy.  You never know, when you might unexpectedly give birth to twins. 

Because, if your second child doesn’t have a name, people may very well start referring to him or her, by using the title of a popular comic book or movie franchise. 

No child wants that . . .

3)  You know how it’s considered rude to exclude people from your conversation, by whispering to others in front of them, or speaking in a different language that you know they won’t understand?  Well, the same goes for dead people and haunting. 

“Oops!”

Haunt ALL of your kids or NONE of your kids!  To do otherwise, is just plain mean . . .

4) Speaking of MEAN hauntings, if you plan on reaching out to your child in the afterlife, and instructing him or her to GO somewhere (like say “off the island”), it might be nice, if you told your child HOW TO GET THERE . . .  (Not everyone who sees dead people, can also read their minds).

“You got THAT right!”

5) Not the favorite child in your family?  That’s OK.  All you have to do to remedy this is NEVER LEAVE HOME . . . EVER.  That way, when the “favorite” child eventually leaves (and he or she definitely will), your “parents” will be stuck with you, and you ALONE.  So they’re going have to pretend to like you better.

Still breastfed, after all these years . . .

6) A little color can spice up anyone’s wardrobe!  Don’t be afraid to experiment. 

The Man in Black / Man in White Look?  SO LAST SEASON!

And, if, by chance, you CHOSE a particular colored wardrobe, because you are supposed to represent some sort of metaphor, like say “Good” or “Evil,” worry not.  There are plenty of other ways to establish the true nature of your soul, through fashion.  For example, if you are supposed to be the “bad guy,”  you can wear a skull and crossbones tattoo;

 or a handlebar mustache (That just screams evil!);or the Ghostface mask from Scream (See?  Evil can wear WHITE too!).

7) If you have the magical ability to put “spells” on your kids to prevent them from killing one another, you might want to include YOURSELF in those spells . . . Just saying.

Tying up your potentially murderous children would be another option . . .

8 ) Speaking of spells, if you have the power to prevent yourself from getting old, and/or the unique opportunity to look the same age for all eternity, why choose middle-aged, when you can skew younger . . .  like the vampires and werewolves do?

Heidi Montag, take note . . .

9) When hanging out by a deep, rock-filled, body of water with your brother, who wants you dead, prepare for the inevitable.  Always keep handy the following: a life jacket,

 a life saver, 

and some swimmies. 

Heck, even a kickboard might work, in a jam . . .

And, finally . . .

10) If you happen to end up dead and buried on a seemingly deserted island, and people find you a LONG TIME later, in the future, they are ALWAYS going to call you “Adam and/or Eve. ”

To prevent this from happening, might I suggest wearing a nametag.  Here’s one I particularly like .  . .

So, there you have it, my list of the ten things I learned from Lost’s “Across the Sea” that might help me (or you) later in life.  Who said television wasn’t educational?

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Filed under Lost

Lost’s “The Candidate” and the Murderous Reign of Elizabeth Sarnoff (Contains SPOILERS)

WARNING:  If you have not yet seen this week’s installment of Lost, entitled “The Candidate,” and you plan on seeing it, you DO NOT want to be here right now!  Because I am about to spoil for you four serious OMFG Lost Series Shocker Moments . . . moments that rival the twist endings to some of America’s most surprising films . . .

“I see dead candidates!”

“John Locke is KEYSER SOZE!”

“Jacob’s REAL Candidate is a MAN, baby!”

And so, for those of you who don’t want to be SERIOUSLY spoiled, I am hereby giving you five seconds to leave this blog . . .

5

4

3

2

1

 . . .  Are they gone yet?  OK. 

 I would now like to take this opportunity to express my condolences over the loss of four characters, to whom I have become extremely attached, throughout the course of Lost history. 

 

Frank Lapidus (played by Jeff Fahey)

Sayid Jarrah (played by Naveen Andrews)

Jin Kwon (played by Daniel Dae Kim)

Sun Kwon (played by Yoon-Jin Kim)

These tragic losses will most certainly be deeply felt throughout the Lost universe.  And while this is neither the time, nor the place, to establish blame for the passing of these fine individuals, would you like to know who killed them?

Well . . . yeah . . . him, but that wasn’t who I was referring to . . .

Yep, that’s her! 

The woman pictured above, is none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff, Lost executive producer, and the writer of this week’s TOTAL F-ING BLOODBATH of a Lost episode.  After I finished watching Lost, I was lurking around The Fuselage, a fansite for diehard Losties, and this lady was literally ALL those folks were talking about!  Apparently, Liz’s “serial character murdering” reputation precedes her.  So, I did a little research into the writer’s episode penning-past.  And, let me just say, her body count is HIGH!

In her premiere episode, “Abandoned” (Season 2), Liz killed Lostie Shannon Caryle.

In the episode, “Two for the Road” (also Season 2), Liz ended the lives of Tailies Ana Lucia and Libby:

In the episode,” The Man Behind the Curtain” (Season 3), Liz laid waste to, more or less, the ENTIRE Dharma Initiative, including Benjamin Linus’s father, Roger Linus.

And in “Meet Kevin Johnson” (Season 4), Liz gunned down Karl and Rousseau (both pictured here, along with the now-dead Alex and the THANKFULLY still alive, Hurley)

But of Ms. Sarnoff’s deadly episodes, ‘The Candidate” was probably the most shocking.  After all, this was the first time in Lost history in which THREE Original Cast Members met their untimely demise, during the course of a single episode!  (Lapidus didn’t appear on the show until Season 4.) 

The most heartbreaking of these deaths undoubtedly belonged to Jin and Sun.  With Sun trapped amongst the wreckage of a flooded submarine, Jin tried in vain to rescue her.  When he saw that he would be unable to free her in time, he held tightly to her hand, vowing never to leave her again.  The couple’s hands remained clasped to one another, until the moment of both of their deaths.  And, while the sacrifice on Jin’s part was certainly heroic and romantic, I couldn’t help but wonder why Sun didn’t implore Jin to save himself, on behalf of their young child, Ji-Yeon, now undoubtedly an orphan . . .

It is also important to note that, the name “Kwon,” which was listed as one of Jacob’s Island Saving Candidates, likely referred to either Sun or Jin.  Now we might never know which one . . .

Sayid’s death, while tragic, was a bit more uplifting.  After multiple episodes of “Zombie Sayid” seemingly acting as MIB’s evil  minion, and killing people willy nilly, without remorse, it was nice to see our Original Lost hero, return to his roots.  Not only did Sayid help Jack and crew out, by explaining to the gang the logistics of dismantling a C-4 bomb, he ultimately saved Jack, Hurley, Sawyer and Kate, by taking the bomb and running as far from them as he could get before it exploded. 

It was also nice to know that Sayid did not, in fact, murder Desmond, as MIB had originally instructed him to do.  

Before he died, Sayid instructed Jack to find Desmond where he left him in the well.   When Jack asked Sayid why the latter has chosen to tell him this, Sayid replied, “Because you’re THE ONE.”  Presumably, the statement referred to Sayid’s belief that JACK is Jacob’s ULTIMATE CANDIDATE, destined to save the island from MIB and his dastardly deeds.  So, in the honor of the redeemed Sayid, I’d hereby like to share with you, this fan-made video, demonstrating his macho, heroic, TOTALLY badass (and definitely NON-ZOMBIE like) awesomeness!

And for those Losties still alive at the conclusion of this episode, BE WARNED, the series’ second to last episode will be penned by none other than Elizabeth Sarnoff . . .

Be afraid, be VERY AFRAID!

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Ian Somerhalder – Ladies’ Man, Man’s Man, Shirtless Man, Dancing Man (A YouTube Extravaganza!)

 

Here at TV Recappers Anonymous, we love ALL of our sexy television and movie men.  But, admittedly, some of them get more love than others.  Lately, Ian Somerhalder has been getting the MOST love of them all!  Right now, you probably know him best as Damon Salvatore from The Vampire Diaries

On that show, he is the “big bad,” quite possibly sociopathic, definitely vampiric, 160 plus-year old, older brother to Paul Wesley’s Stefan Salvatore.

In his role as Damon Salvatore, Ian plays a man with a serious thirst for blood, a penchant for the ladies, and a soft spot for one Elena Gilbert.

Did I mention he owns a mansion, and enjoys dancing around it half naked?

  (Click the internal link below, to view the video)

Now while all of this is FABULOUS for us fans,  The Vampire Diaries only airs once a week.  In fact, there are only TWO more episodes in the season.  Very soon, Somerhalder fans will be faced with a summer-long draught of open-shirted, brow-furrowed, snarky commenting, fabulous dancing goodness.  After all, there are only SO MANY Damon Salvatore fan videos you can watch on YouTube!

This is where I come in . . . You see, believe it or not, before The Vampire Diaries, Ian Somerhalder was actually in OTHER STUFF!

Shocking, I know!  The purpose of this blog entry today, is to help guide YOU toward Ian Somerhalder YouTube Nirvana.  This way, once The Vampire Diaries is on hiatus (after you’ve broken the virtual “Play” button on your “Damon and Vicki Dancing Webclip,” and after you have watched every single Damon Salvatore fan video known to man), you have some other places to look, in order to satisfy your Somerhalder-sized cravings . . .

Young Americans (2000)

This short-lived WB series (pre-CW) about an all-boys boarding school wasn’t around that long.  In fact, the show (a spinoff of the popular teen drama Dawson’s Creek), only lasted about eight episodes.  And yet, in that brief amount of time, it managed to REALLY push the envelope with some surprisingly risque storylines.  Most notably (of course, otherwise why would I include it here?) was the plotline involving Ian Somerhalder’s character, Hamilton Fleming, the All-American son of the school’s dean.  In the pilot episode, he meets a “boy” named Jake Pratt.  The two quickly bond and become friends.

The problem?  Heretofore straight Hamilton soon finds himself attracted to Jake, who Hamilton thinks is gay (Jake tried to kiss him near the end of the first episode).  So, of course, Hamilton begins to wonder whether he is gay too. 

Hamilton may very well be gay.  But here’s the thing: Jake is a GIRL!  For reasons that I never quite understood (something about getting revenge against her absentee mother) “Jake” a.k.a. Jacqueline posed as a boy to attend the all-boy school.  In the below scene, which was highly reminiscent of the prom scene in that old 80’s flick, Just One of the Guys . . .

(This film is VERY dated.  But it’s a good Netflix rental, if you’re ever in the mood for a gender-bending good time . . .)

 . . . Jacqueline finally comes clean to Hamilton about her . . . um . . . sex.

This exchange actually occurs during the fourth episode of the show.  So I really haven’t spoiled all that much for you.  What’s nice is that, on YouTube, someone was kind enough to distill the entire series into ONLY the Jake and Hamilton parts from each episode, and post them online.   So you can see the couple’s ENTIRE story in under a half-hour’s time.  Somerhalder’s excellent acting skills and the “Jake” character’s androgeny makes these clips WAY more erotic than they should be .  . . It’s definitely worth a look-see, in my opinion.

The Rules of Attraction (2002)

This film, which was based on a very jaded and dark, but oddly insightful, novel about college life, written by Bret Easton Ellis (Less than Zero, American Psycho), featured a fairly impressive cast of hot up-and-coming early twenty-something actors, most notably: Dawson’s Creek‘s James van der Beek, playing a decidedly un-Dawson like role . . .

(Joey Potter would not approve.)

 . . . Jessica Biel . . .

 . . . and Kate Bosworth (who, coincidentally, also starred in Young Americans with Ian Somerhalder)

Here, Ian plays the bisexual and sexually frustrated Paul Denton, a man who seemingly has only two favorite pasttimes: sex and dancing.  Lucky for him (and us), he gets to do both throughout the movie .  . .

Unfortunately, for my purposes at least, the creators of The Rules of Attraction don’t allow embedding on ANY of their original webclips on YouTube.  However, there are literally a TON of them out there.  Just type “Ian Somerhalder” or “Paul Denton”  and “Rules of Attraction,” and you are bound to find them all.  Not surprisingly, most of my favorites of these  involve a shirtless Somerhalder dancing and jumping on a hotel bed in his boxer briefs.

Remind you of anything?

Lost (2004 -)

Those of you who have read this blog before, know that I am a big fan of early Lost episodes, particularly those from the show’s first season.  Of course, THIS GUY had a lot to do with that . . .

Boone Carlyle was everything you’d want in a guy.  Kind-hearted, loyal, intelligent, brave, resourceful,well-to-do, athletic, and dead sexy.  So, of course, the Lost writers had to crush him with a plane and kill him near the end of Season 1.  But before that happened, we got to watch him, through flashbacks, engage in a VERY inappropriate sexual relationship with his younger stepsister, Shannon.

And, you know what?  As much as you REALLY didn’t want to like these two together (Aside from being his relative, Shannon was a manipulative bitch, who basically treated Boone like crap his whole life, and used his feelings for her to con him out of $50 grand.), you just couldn’t get away from the fact that they were both so DAMN HOT!  The chemistry between Maggie Grace and Ian Somerhalder was so smoldering, they practically burnt a hole in your television, every time they were on screen together.  Watch this clip, if you don’t believe me . . .

Need more?  Type “Boone and Shannon” and “Lost” into your YouTube search bar, and you will find plenty more where that came from . . .

That’s all for now, Somerhalder fans.  Just a little something to whet your appetite during those long HOT Vampire Diaries – less months. 

Happy YouTubing!

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Filed under Ian Somerhalder, Lost, Rules of Attraction, The Vampire Diaries, Young Americans

“The Last Recruit” a.k.a. The NOBODY-Centric, Connect-the-Dots Lost Episode

Up until this point, Lost has had more loose (and dead) ends than Bat-Sh&t Crazy Claire’s hair . . .

Someone get this girl a flat iron!

But that all changed (sort of), during this week’s nobody-centric Lost installment.  Because someone in the writing department FINALLY decided to tie together all those darn flash-sideways scenarios that have been plaguing us for weeks on end!  Here’s how they did it . . .

If you recall, at the end of last week’s episode,  heretofore mild-mannered Desmond the Time Traveling Know-It-All . . .

(Maybe HE will be able to explain this to us when it’s all over . . .)

 . . . shocked EVERYONE by running down Wheelchair Locke . . .

. . . with his car in Flash-Sideways world.  Now, most of us would agree, that purposefully mowing over paraplegic substitute teachers with your motor vehicle is not a very nice thing to do.  But as it turns out, there was a method to Desmond’s madness.   Our pal Dessie simply wanted Locke to make some new friends . . . which makes the hit-and-run TOTALLY OK!  (Seriously, Desmond?  You couldn’t have just sent the poor dude a Facebook invite?)

Anyway, massive overreaction aside, Sideways Locke is carted away in the ambulance, with his new pal, Professor Ben riding along side him.  (I thought only FAMILY was allowed to do that.  But what do I know?)

And I have to say, I am totally in LOVE with this slightly effete, curmudgeony, skittish, BIG NERD version of Ben.  The only time I could ever imagine Island Ben . . .

 . . . riding with a virtual stranger in an ambulance, is if he wanted to steal that stranger’s heart . . .

No . . . I mean LITERALLY rip out his or her heart and STEAL IT . . .

Anyway, as Locke is being wheeled into the hospital, he is met by another patient on the adjoining gurney, namely Pregnant Sun, who is accompanied into the hospital her doting Boyfriend / Baby Daddy Jin . . .

When a half-conscious Sun sees a completely unconscious Locke lying next to her, she COMPLETELY FLIPS OUT!   WHY?  Is it because a part of her remembers his evil, voice-snatching island alter ego, MIB, from another dimension?  Or is she simply shocked to learn that Mr. Clean is, in fact, a real person . . .

Later, we learn that Sun pulled through the operation, and gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who may or may not be named Ji-Yeon in this timeline.

Meanwhile, Buddy Cop Bromantics, Sawyer and Miles . . .

 . . . are hanging at the police station, having just arrested Running Kate.

As Sawyer interrogates Kate, the sexual tension between them sends sparks pff the screen and into your living room.  You can tell Sawyer totally just wants to handcuff Kate to the wall and make a “bad cop porno” with her.  After all, it’s not as though these two haven’t done THAT before . . .

Honestly, I kept waiting for the “bow chick a wow, wow” music to start playing in the background, and for Sawyer to take off his shirt . . .

But alas, all clothes remained disappointingly ON.  The scene wasn’t a TOTAL loss though.  Kate hinted that the reason Sawyer passively helped her to escape the FBI agent on her tail back at LAX, was that he didn’t want to call any attention to the fact that he had taken a secret impromptu trip to Australia.  Sawyer doesn’t deny this.  In fact, he tells the possibly murderous Kate, “I like YOU.”  (Well DUH!)

Cockblock Miles totally ruins the moment, however, by telling Sawyer that they have to go an arrest Bad Ass Sayid for shooting Keamy and all those other goons, who were responsible for putting Sun in the hospital.

Sayid tries to make a run for it, but Sawyer, who is cleary the BEST COP IN THE WORLD, catches and cuffs him, just like he did earlier to Kate.  The only difference here, is that Sawyer and Sayid never had Bear Cage Sex in another dimension . . .

Meanwhile, Sane ALSO Pregnant Claire . . .

 .  . .  is heading to the adoption agency to make plans to give up her baby, when she is encountered by an increasingly creepy Desmond, who, seems to have been following her since he ran into her at the airport earlier.  Desmond invites Claire  to accompany him while he goes to visit his lawyer.  Claire, though clearly SANER in this timeline, is just as STUPID as ever, and agrees to Creepy Dessie’s request.  And who’s Dessie’s lawyer, you ask?  Well, Undead (but still boring) Ilana, of course!

Turns out Ilana was LOOKING for Claire.  You see, she was having a meeting with Dr. Jack and his previously nonexistent son . . .

 . . . to read Christian Shepard’s will, which happens to mention Claire in it, because, like Dr. Jack, Pregnant Claire was also Christian’s child. 

 Unfortunately, this dysfunctional family reunion can’t last too long, because Dr. McDreamy Jack gets called away on an impromptu brain surgery (Don’t you just hate it when that happens?). He takes his son along for the ride, and asks him if he minds “hanging out” for a while.  (YEAH!  Because brain surgeries take NO TIME AT ALL!)  Of course, in case you haven’t guessed by now, Jack’s patient is none other than Locke, who Jack suddenly seems to recognize, as he observes him on the operating table.

But where the heck was HURLEY?

MEANWHILE ON THE ISLAND . . .

(1) Sawyer, Kate, Lapidus, HURLEY (There he is!), Sun, Jack, and Crazy Claire (who only got to come because Idiot Kate — who Claire recently tried to KILL — insisted that Looney Tunes be included, because she’s clearly “such a nice girl.”) . . .

“It will be like a SLEEPOVER!  We can put on mud masks (I am already wearing mine), and braid eachother’s greasy, unwashed hair!”)

 . . . anyway . . . the group ditched MIB, and hopped aboard an abandoned yacht in search of a quick and painless island escape.  Wishy Washy Jack, however, ultimately opted to jump ship and return to the island, because  . . .  who the heck knows what his crazy rationale was for doing that!  Something about the island “not being done with him yet.”  WHATEVER!  Jack obviously attends the same Island Academy of Stupid, as Kate and Claire.

“I CAN’T Leave NOW!  It took me WEEKS to establish this even of a base tan!”

(2) Even though MIB left Desmond alive in the well, Zombie Sayid, may or may not have KILLED him at MIB’s request.  I’m guessing NOT . . .  because I think there is hope for Sayid’s humanity, yet.  As the always optimistic Hurley said, “People DO come back from the darkside.  Look at Anakin!”)

“OK, Hurley.  I love you.  But maybe that was a bad example.  You DO know those were PREQUELS, right?”

(3) Jin and Sun FINALLY reunited!  

And Sun remembered how to speak English!  And at first it was SWEET, and then it got kind of nauseating . . . And then, Sawyer gave Kate this longing, unrequited love-type look, and I melted into an ooey gooey puddle all over again.

(4) Oh!  And Widmore’s Team Subbie . . .

 . . . led by Zoey (Why the heck is this mediocre actress getting SO MUCH play on this awesome show, when she is SO NOT TINA FEY?)  . . .

IMPOSTER!

 .  . . busied itself by generally being crappy to EVERYBODY.  First, it broke its promise to Sawyer’s crew, by holding it at gunpoint.  Then it BLEW UP MIB’s crew!  These guys are SO EVIL they make Crazy Claire look like Alice in Wonderland  . . .

This is a photo of Claire, after a LONG overdue visit with her personal stylist . . .

(5) MIB (possibly) secured Jack as his titular “Last Recruit.”   He did this by, first, informing him that the image of Jack’s dad — who Jack kept seeing on the island — was none other than Smokey himself;

and, then by rescuing him from being blown to bits by the Team Subbie bomb.  MIB LITERALLY carries Jack on his back to get him out of harm’s way.  “You’re with ME now,” explains MIB, as he leans (lovingly?) over a dazed Jack in the episode’s chilling final moments.  (Long term romantic relationships have begun over much LESS  . . .)

“Yes, I’ll marry. you.  But, just so you know, I DON’T DO WINDOWS!”

That’s all she wrote folks.  Tune in next week, when we will HOPEFULLY find out what happened to Sideways Hurley and Libby (if anything), as well as Island Desmond.  I’m secretly hoping they will also finally OFF that annoying Zoey character, next week, and replace her with something more exciting to watch, like, for example, paint drying on a wall  . . .

 

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Everybody Loves My Inappropriate Sense of Humor a.k.a My Thoughts on Lost’s “Everybody Loves Hugo”

“WILL ALL YOU CRAZY DEAD PEOPLE SHUT THE F UP?”  Charlie and I are trying to make a Burp Remix of ‘You All Everybody,’ and I can’t hear myself think!  Now I know how Dr. Dolittle feels . . .”

If Desmond-centric episodes represent the “Thinking Man’s Lost,” Hurley-centric episodes are the “Funny Man’s Lost.”  They generally never cover a lot of ground, storyline-wise, but rest assured, there will be a lot of laughs along the way.  Except . . . you may just find yourself feeling a bit guilty about what you are laughing at . . . (fat jokes, food jokes, jokes about people exploding into smithereens . . .)

Oh, and did I mention watching Hurley-centric episodes of Lost are a TERRIFIC excuse to get wasted?

So, here’s what I liked about the episode:

1) Ilana Goes Boom-Boom (and Bye, Bye)

Does it make me a bad person that I giggled a bit when Ilana got blown up by a randomly-placed stick of dynamite, just as she was self-righteously lecturing the Losties about following Dead Jacob’s orders?  The girl may have been Jacob’s “Candidate Protector.”  However, when it really came down to it, she ended up being nothing more than a glorified redshirt on this show. 

Did you notice how NONE of the Losties seemed remotely upset by her demise?  Talk about INSENSITIVE!  I mean, I can laugh, because I don’t really know the girl.  She’s just a random TV character to me, and a BORING one at that.  (BTW, I’m sure the actress –who is alive and well, by the way — is a lovely person . . .)  But . . . THESE GUYS?  Not even kindly HURLEY shed a tear for this one.   Maybe these uber self-absorbed folks are in HELL after all?

2) Rich Hurley, Poor Hurley – Same Difference

I loved that the writers didn’t go the typical route, and make Hurley a douche in flash-sideways world, just because he was lucky and financially successful there.  In fact, Rich Hurley was EXACTLY THE SAME as Poor Hurley, and BOTH are awesome!  I also loved how, despite all of Hurley’s great philanthropy and the accolades he received at that museum dedication ceremony made by DR. MARVIN CANDLE  . . .

Good one Lost!

Hurley’s mom still only cared about the fact that he didn’t have a girlfriend.   So typical!  Despite his immense success, Hurley was still just as insecure and nervous around girls, as always . . . ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!

Speaking of girls . . .

3) Hurley and Libby Sitting on a BEACH, K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

These two were FABULOUS together, during this episode!  I loved how Libby was on a field trip away from the mental hospital, when she confronted Hurley about “knowing him in another life.” And yet, even though he didn’t remember her (at least, initially), he STILL wanted to go on a date with the loony lady!  I also loved that these two literally crazy kids FINALLY got to have their “Beach Date,” complete with an assortment of cheese (“Because everyone likes cheese,” says Hurley), and a surprisingly sexy kiss.  Said kiss was SO INTENSE, it brought back all of Hurley’s Lostie memories.  Kudos to Desmond, for making good on the promise he made during last week’s episode, to bring about the Losties’ awareness of Island World, by promoting generalized lovey-doveyness.

Speaking of Desmond . . .

4) Desmond go down the HOLE, Locke go under the CAR . . .

How PISSED did MIB look, when Desmond told him that he wasn’t afraid of him?  You just knew right then that Smokey was up to no good!  And of course, there was that WELL Smokey was showing Desmond.  If we’ve learned anything from our Lost writers, it’s that they will NEVER pass up the opportunity for a good Alice in Wonderland reference.  Down the rabbit hole, anyone?

(Speaking of scary children’s tales remade by Tim Burton, did you catch the Willy Wonka tunnel speech, in next week’s previews?)

Still gives me the chills!  No wonder Willy Wonka scared the stuffing out of me, as a kid!

So, it wasn’t particularly surprising that MIB threw Desmond down the well in Island World.  What WAS surprising, however, was that Flash-Sideways Desmond appeared to REMEMBER it!  So much so, that he didn’t have any qualms at all about running a wheelchair -bound Locke over with his car!  (Odd that the seemingly omniscient Desmond never caught on – – as everyone else on the island seemed to, instantly upon meeting him — that Nu-Locke and Old Locke weren’t the same person . . .)

“Peggy Bundy is going to be PISSED!”

By the way, did you catch how flash-sideways Ben TOTALLY thought Desmond was a major pedophile, because he found him parked in the high school parking lot, leering inappropriately?

5) Hurley takes charge!

It is HIGH TIME these Losties took Hurley, seriously!  I loved how Jack and the rest of Team Jacob (well . . . except for Miles, Ben and Richard Alpert) were willing to follow Hurley on his mission to talk to MIB, and prevent the other Losties from using the plane to leave the island.  Jack didn’t even seem to mind that much that Hurley had lied about “seeing Jacob” to get the others to go along with his plan.  Old Jack would have totally kicked his ass . . . It looks like our Man of Science has become a Man of Faith, after all!

“You’ve come a long way, BABY!”

6) From a Whisper to a Scream . . .

“There’s no place like the island, there’s no place like the island, there’s no . . . CRAP!  I’m still here!”

So, first we thought the “whispers” in the jungle were the Others.  Then, we thought it was the Smoke Monster, NOW we FINALLY know its the collective voices of dead people with “unfinished business.”  Sound familiar?

No wonder they won’t leave Hurley alone!  As far as Big Answers go, this one’s a bit cliche.  However, it DOES dovetail nicely with the rest of the Lost mythology, at least in terms of consistency.  After all, when you think about it, the WHISPERS were always heard right before a character was either about to DIE or be faced with his or her own mortality . . .  All, in all, I give the “answer”  a “B”

What I didn’t like:

1) That was it?!!!!

ONE ANSWER?  There isn’t much time left, Lost writers!  You MIGHT want to be more forthcoming with the info, in the near future!

2) Glee Robber!

OK, OK!  I guess it isn’t really Lost’s fault that the first half-hour of the season premiere of Glee coincided with this episode.  But the untenable TV conflict still made me mad enough to throw a slurpee at some ABC execs . . .

See ya next week, Losties!

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