We’ve all been there . . . said something we shouldn’t have said . . .
. . . kissed someone we shouldn’t have kissed . . .
. . . eaten something we shouldn’t have eaten.
When you really think about it, our mouths are probably the second most trouble-making body parts we have. (I’ll let you use your imagination to figure out the most trouble-making body part.)
In a way, it was kind of fitting that this week’s installment of Teen Wolf starred a creepy mouthless dude, especially considering how all the people on the show with mouths were getting screwed over by them, left and right, throughout the hour. (Geez, three sentences into my recap, and I’ve already made two sex metaphors. It must just be one of those weeks . . .)
So clean the blood off your pussy . . . cat, leave an “Out to Lunch” sign on your door for the local axe murderer, and, for heaven sakes, wipe that smirk off your face! It’s time for another Teen Wolf recap.
[As always, a hearty Werebanger Roar to screencapper extraordinaire Andre, who enticed me to research the term Wendigo prior to writing this recap. (And by “research,” I mean type the word into Wikipedia and skim the first two paragraphs . . .)]
Strangers in the Night (Exchanging Chompers)
Now, I know that Mouthless Morty (a.k.a. The Mute) was supposedly only stalking Sean and his Wendigo family to make a few quick bucks, by eliminating some supernatural Beacon Hills residents from “The Benefactor’s” Deadpool.
And yet, I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the Guy With No Teeth chose as his first target the kid with a spare set of pearly whites in his mouth, ripe for the taking. Do you?
But, perhaps, I’m getting a bit ahead of myself here. When we first meet Sean, he’s just your average, mildly attractive, non-cannibalistic, high school boy, sleeping peacefully in his bed
with visions of the dead bodies in his basement dancing in his head. He awakens in the middle of the night, to find that he’s misplaced his pussy . . .
So, he goes outside to look for her.
“Here, Pussy, Pussy! Come here, Sweet Pussy!”
Silly Sean! Why would your pussy go outside in the cold, when it has a perfectly warm spot to lay, right in your bedroom?
Having given Pussy up for dead, Sean returns to his house, which is pretty swanky . . . not necessarily, high school teacher Kira’s dad’s house swanky . . .
. . . or Lydia Martin’s (whatever it is her parents do for a living) mansion swanky. But Sean’s ma and pa are definitely raking in more dough than say Scott’s Nurse, Who Basically Runs the Entire Hospital By Herself Mom, and Stiles’ Only Officer Over the Age of 25 in the Beacon Hills PD Dad.
(Thus proving that “eating your competition” is, in fact, a legitimate way to achieve the American Dream . . .)
Anywhoo, Sean finds some telltale paw-sized bloody footprints near the side of his bed, which, in and of itself, shouldn’t be all that alarming to a cannibal, who happens to own a cat. And Sean isn’t alarmed. In fact, when he first finds the naughty pussy (named Willow, no less. As in Pussy Willow? Seriously!) under his bed, he’s super relieved! That is, until he takes a closer look . . .
“Anyone got a tampon?”
(Truth be told, nothing freaks out an Alpha Male more than a bloody pussy . . .)
As if on cue, immediately upon finding Pussy Willow lying in a pool of blood not her own, Sean hears the horrifying sounds of his family being bludgeoned to death next door. It’s legitimately terrifying. Davis has done a good job building suspense in these first few moments of the episode, and is now about to give his Werebangers the payoff we’ve both wanted and feared since the hour began.
And by payoff, I mean a really nice shot of Sean flexing his muscles shirtless . . .
And also the whole creepy axe murderer stalking Sean through his home, and casually tossing tomahawks in his general direction . . .
. . . but mostly the whole Shirtless Thing.
“Hello Sean. I just killed your family. Do you want to die like them, begging for your life. Or, do you want to fight?” A Darth Vader-y voice bellows from a laptop that Mouthless Morty has conveniently brought along for this murderous occasion.
(Morty, it must be said, is an impressively fast typist. having tapped out the entire phrase above in under ten seconds. If this whole Hitman of Supernaturals thing doesn’t work out, he should definitely consider a successful career as a Court Reporter. Then again, maybe he pre-types his threats before he heads off on his killing sprees . . .)
This is pretty much your textbook case of fight-or-flight response. Sean, who is played brilliantly by Glenn McCuen, is clearly devastated by the loss of his entire family, but he’s also intensely pissed off. He hates Mouthless Morty for ruining his life, and would like nothing more than to make him suffer an excruciating death. But Sean is no dummy (poor pussy-finding skills aside). As he stands in his bedroom, fists clenched, ready for battle, you can almost see the wheels turning in his brain. Should I fight? Can I take this guy out?
Nope . . .
Meanwhile, in another apartment for Lost Boys without parents . . .
That’s a lot of money, honey . . .
Derek and Peter (Do these guys live together now? Because, last I checked Derek’s loft apartment lacked even a single bed, not to mention a toilet) find themselves across the table from hired gun Braeden, with whom they are in the process of (poorly) negotiating the terms of Kate’s recapture. Here’s how it goes down. Derek makes an offer. Braedan makes a counter-offer that, from the look on Peter’s face is about double what Derek offered. Derek accepts the offer immediately, and without reservation.
Geez Derek! Everyone knows you never accept the first offer in negotiations. Didn’t they teach you anything in Brooding Bad Boy Beefcake School?
“Ummmm . . .”
Peter is understandably furious, recognizing that now that he is cash poor, he may actually have to get a Real Job based on a resume that boasts only the following skills:
*the ability to return from the dead
*the ability to look younger than you actually are
*complete lack of conscience
*occasionally (and inexplicably) speaks with a British accent, despite not being British
*looks great in a V-neck
Come to think of it, this sounds like the resume of most CEOs from major Fortune 500 Corporations. Peter will be just fine. I don’t know why he’s so worried!
But then Derek flashes his new golden eyes at Peter, and everything changes. It appears that, in addition to temporarily kidnapping his manhood, Kate has gone and made Derek a virgin again . . . well, a Murder Virgin, at least . . . (There’s no magical spell in all the land that is going to erase that icky Darach Sex from Derek’s history.)
Talk about beer googles . . .
Oh Captain, My (Soon-to-Be) Former Captain
Warning: The actor who plays new-kid-in-town Liam is NOT LEGAL. (This is not a drill, like back when we were all shamefully crushing on Stephen McQueen from Vampire Diaries, who despite playing a 15-year old, was actually in his early 20’s . . . thankfully.)
This is real. If you are over the age of 18, and you are reading this, you are officially not allowed to lust over this . . .
. . . or this . . .
. . . or this . . .
Oh, and I almost forgot, blah, blah, blah, this kid is very good at lacrosse, and may put Scott’s position as captain in jeopardy, blah . . .
REMINDER, YOU CANNOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES FIND HIM ATTRACTIVE . . .
We know return you to your regularly scheduled recap . . .
Because Human Beings Can Be Serial Killers Too (Who knew?)
So, like I said, if you happen to be under 18 and reading this, Jeff Davis has already generously offered up a new specimen of man crush to you in the form of Liam (because you definitely shouldn’t get too attached to Pussy Willow-owner Sean).
But fear not, Fellow Old Farts, Davis has provided some age-appropriate eye candy to YOU too . . .
Recognize This Guy?
No? How about now?
That’s right, Werebangers, Beacon Hills newest Dr. McDreamy is none other than Connor The Hunter from TVD, who, by the way, seems to be making some pretty blatant Googly Eyes at Scott’s mom . . .
Sorry, Scott’s dad, you just got served . . .
Speaking of served . . . look who is back?
“Memba me . . . and my pussy?”
Later Scott’s mom and Stiles’ dad find themselves in the morgue, dealing with the all-too-familiar sensation of sorting through piles of freshly dead bodies. Having determined, based on the corpse eviscerations, that the murderer of Sean’s family is actually MAN and NOT WOLF (or lizard, or fox, or were jaguar, or evil Japanese spirit), two-thirds of the adult contingent on this show surreptitiously slap one another five that they won’t be needing to further traumatize their children, by bringing them into this mess . . .
Haha, that’s what THEY think . . .
This Means (Sports) War . . .
Back at School, Stiles and Scott unsuccessfully attempt to bully young Liam into admitting he’s a Were-Something.
“How hairy are you? Seriously, take off your shirt! Let me see your body hair?”
What’s the matter Scooby Gang, you’ve never met a Real Teenage Boy who is actually naturally good at sports?
No? Well, than you have reason to fear, because this kid is super attractive (objectively speaking!), super talented, and (gasp) super ready to take your spots as the new lacrosse captain, not to mention, the new protagonist of this show, after you both head off to the dreaded-for-all-teen-shows C-word . . . College.
It’s been a while since this show, has had a good old fashioned Sports Brawl! So, you have to sympathize a bit with our heroes for showing up at the table a bit unprepared . . .
In Scott’s and Stiles’ defense, they’ve been a bit distracted, of late, with things like Family Murdering Axe Murderers . . .
. . . not-so-much girlfriends, who are secretly moving, but don’t want to tell you, because you kiss them like you are their grandpa . . .
. . . Big Spoons, who are REALLY bad at math . . .
“1 +1 equals . . . the number of bites it would take to chew off Lydia’s leg?”
And . . . what the heck is going on with this guy’s neck? EWWWWWWW!
When “being himself” leads to Scott totally stinking up the joint in practice, Stiles plays the devil on Scott’s shoulder . . .
(But not that devil. Stiles is done with that. Jeff Davis’ has promised that our hero will be funny again, this year.)
. . . and convinces our True Alpha to embrace his inner werewolf to secure his position as Captain of the Lacrosse Team . . .
He does . . .
. . . and, of course, it goes badly . . . for Scott and Stiles . . .
. . . and then, thanks to a friendly wager from Malia, it goes REALLY badly, for Liam . . .
I’m Bringing Sexual Tension Back . . .
Gun-for-hire Braedan and Musclely Dudebro Derek share all the markings of a film noir romance . . .
She talks in whispers, impersonates FBI agents, speaks in riddles (and in Spanish), likes to walk around half naked, and wears really right leather pants . . .
He is tortured, brooding, and looks at people like this . . .
It’s a match made in Beacon Hills Heaven . . .
Elsewhere in sexual tension town, Deputy Hot Pants is casing the joint at Sean’s house, when he finds Lydia “I Smell Dead People” Martin snooping around there.
He really likes what he sees . . . (hey Deputy, better make sure she’s 18, first . . .)
Then, they find the decaying bodies in the basement, and he doesn’t like what he sees . . . at all . . .
“I could really go for some blush and a self-tanner. Maybe a hot oil conditioning treatment for my hair. I hear the local salon gives a discount to people who prove they’ve been dead for at least a week.”
Meanwhile, back at school, Scott tries to awkwardly apologize to Kira for the Grandpa Kiss . . .
But then, he finally grows some balls, tells her, he’s not sorry at all, and gives her a Real Kiss . . . with tongue . . .
“Tastes like kitsune.”
Thank you, Scott, who, in the words of Sarah Michelle Gellar’s character in Cruel Intentions, has been pursuing Kira with the speed of a Special Olympic Hurdler. It’s about damn time . . .
It’s Not Over Yet . ..
With the taste of Scott’s Wolf Tongue still fresh on her lips, and a surprise offer to be the only girl on the male lacrosse team in her hot little fingers, Kira finally finds the courage to tell her parents, in no uncertain terms, that she is not moving back to NYC . . .
“Last I checked, I’m still a series regular on this show!”
In other Girl Power news, Malia learns that the way to Stiles’ heart is not through his stomach . . .
. . . or, even through his mouth. . .
. . . rather, it’s by establishing shared interest in color-coding Mysteries of the World . . .
(And the fact that she’s established romantic rival Lydia, as a gibberish writing nutjob certainly doesn’t hurt . . .)
(Note: If you recall, the notes in Lydia’s notebook are a near perfect match to the ones that popped up on Mouthless Morty’s computer, when he was doing that creepy neck blood transfusion thing, earlier in the episode . . .)
My, What Big Teeth You Have!
After a quick warning from Lydia, Scott quickly learns that adorable Sean is a two-eyed, two-rows-of-teeth, nice abs, people eater, whose already devoured a deputy, and now has his sights on Scott’s mom.
It’s ALPHA TIME!
Time to pop those bubbles again!
Scott arrives on the scene, just in time to prevent his mom from becoming Wendigo Chow, when dumb Liam hobbles out of his room to investigate some mysterious roaring sounds . . .
“Gee, sounds like murder. I’m unarmed and crippled! Let’s go investigate!”
OK, Scott. It’s time to do your hero thing, again. But this time . . . try not to further injure your fresh meat. OK?
“I’ll get you little hunky, and your role as Jackson’s and Isaac’s replacement on this show too!”
“No way dude! You’ve already been through puberty! Much too old. Don’t worry mini Jackson. I’ll save you!”
“Gnom, gnom, gnom . . . tastes like illegal hottie!”
“Got your back, Alpha! Give me a call if you ever need another strong and silent type in your pack.”
“Great! Now, I’m one legged and one armed. Thanks a lot, Scott!”
So, much for that . . .
When Scott, finds his future boy Friday, Liam dangling from the hospital roof, he gets an unexpected helping hand from Morty Mouthless,who dispatches the last member of the Wendigo family with aplomb, but not before Scott has innocently buried his teeth in little Liam’s wrist, dooming him to a hairy future, where he’ll be forced to shave about two years earlier than he would have as a human . . .
Only two can keep a secret, if one of them doesn’t have a mouth . . .
Next week, on Teen Wolf . . .
And whatever this all is . .
Until next time, Werebangers!