Category Archives: The Vampire Diaries

From Being the Eternal Stud to “Taking Care of the Kids” – The Vampire Diaries Season 4 RE-Vamped Part 2: Damon Salvatore

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“I’m just stuck here fighting my brother, and taking care of the kids,” gripes Damon Salvatore to a ghostly Alaric in the middle of Season 4.

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It’s a line that pretty well encapsulates the Elder Salvatore Brother’s role this season, in the same way that “Life sucks, wear a helmet,” another iconic line of his, embodied his role in Seasons 1 through 3.

life sucks get a helmet

teen wolf helmet fyeahmaxtheriot

Like many things about this season, being a Damon fan was a bit of a mixed bag in Season 4.  On one hand, in comparison to other seasons, the self-proclaimed stud had things pretty easy.  I mean, sure, he had his share of beat downs, stakings, and neck snaps, but there seemed to be a lot less of them than in previous seasons.

3 1 damon pours

Even his “Lethal Werewolf Bite,” in the Season Finale seemed less painful and certainly less symptomatic than his similar Brush with Death in Season 2 .. .

delena cuddle

shirt bye

Also on the bright side of things, let’s not forget that DAMON FINALLY GOT THE GIRL . . . not just once, but TWICE in a single season.

kissing delena

got the girl

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And even during the episodes when Damon and Elena weren’t together, he was constantly proving his worth by supporting and accepting her, when others turned their backs.

fine with her either way

Sounds good right?

nodding oh yeah

So, why the “mixed bag” you ask?

stefan shrug

Well, this was actually the first season that Damon Salvatore came very close to assuming Sidekick Status on his own show!

dont understand

I mean sure . . . he was being a “Good Guy” and “Taking care of the kids,” but at what cost?

soap dish smash

In previous Seasons, Damon Salvatore always had his own distinct character arc . . . one that was refreshingly separate from, though always tangentially related to, whatever drama he had going on with Stefan and Elena at the time.

damon soulful crying

In Season 1, Damon transformed himself from an angry villain hell bent on vengeance against his brother, and the town that sent him on his path to destruction .  . .

rawr damon

. . . to a hero, willing to risk his life for that very same brother and town.

2 21 - starmovinglove damon elena walking away

my hero

In Season 2, Damon went from a lovesick puppy, who pined over the same woman over a century at the expense of everything in his life, to a man capable of sharing his heart and soul, not just with one woman, but with three: Elena, Rose and Andie, each in different ways.

the love that consumes you passion danger

In Season 3, Damon struggled to find a balance between his loyalty to his absent brother, and his undeniably intensifying relationship with Elena.  As if that wasn’t difficult enough, he also endured two huge losses.  Alaric and Andie were the only two people with whom Damon felt he could truly confide, without judgment or accusation.  When they died, he felt more alone than ever . . .

damon crying color

In Season 4, Damon’s character arc was noticeably less distinct.  He helped Elena deal with her newfound vampirism.  He coped with the implications of the sire bond, and what they meant to his love life.  He mourned the loss of Elena’s humanity.  He struggled with the decision of whether or not to give Elena the Cure to Vampirism.

delena

Elena, Elena, Elena . . .

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Can’t a guy get a storyline to himself?

Damon eye roll

That said, Damon did have quite a few defining character moments this season.  And I would be remiss, if I didn’t point them out in this post.

period piece damon 1

The Matt Donovan Dichotomy

dont damon me

I find it interesting that, in the premiere episode of the Season, Damon blames, and wants to kill Matt, for his unwitting role in Elena’s Journey Toward Vampirism.   (Had Stefan allowed Matt to die, Elena would have stayed human.)  And yet, at the end of the Season, Damon is the only character to recognize that Matt is the key to Elena’s regaining her humanity.  Damon’s ability to ultimately accept Matt as an integral part of Elena’s life, shows a huge amount of growth on his part . . .

thats humanity

Ch . .  . ch . . . ch . . . CHANGES

As a staunch and unapologetic Damon Fan, I was deeply offended by the fact that all the kindhearted things that Damon did for Elena during her early days as a vampire, were immediately discounted by TVD characters, and fans, alike, as a result of that pesky sire bond.   Yes, the sire bond was arguably to blame for Elena’s initial inability to drink blood from anywhere other than the human vein.  And yes, the sire bond both initially triggered Elena’s suffering from the Hunter’s Curse (Damon accidentally suggested that Elena should kill Connor), and ultimately cured her of that same curse.

damon to rescue

But that doesn’t make the unconditional love and acceptance Damon showed Elena during those difficult early weeks of her transition any less sincere.

3 11 delena not right now asheleyelizabeth1020

After all, Damon knew nothing about the sire bond, when he took Elena under his wing, and helped her to accept her new life as a vampire.  He helped her, comforted, and supported her, when no one else would, not because he knew she was supernaturally programmed to obey his every command, but because he loved her unconditionally, even during those times when she was at her most vulnerable and least loveable . . .

3 10 don't know what i would do summerroberts

If Damon had his choice, he never would have chosen the Sire Bond for Elena.  So, why should he be punished for its existence?

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Punish the writers for that one!

The Humanity Conundrum

Though Damon cannot be held responsible for the Dreaded Sire Bond, he’s a bit more culpable when it comes to the birth (and eventual “death”) of Humanity Free Elena.  Hard to shift blame on THAT one, especially when Damon literally MADE Elena turn it off . . .

turn it off

stone faced elena

Now, in Damon’s defense, his heart was certainly in the right place.  In one sense, Damon understands Elena’s dark side, in a way no one else does.  He knows and respects the part of her that isn’t all hearts and roses.  Damon also hates to see Elena in pain, and instinctively understood, that, in the days, following her last living relative’s untimely demise, Elena needed a vacation from the more self-righteous aspects of herself.

im not enough

What I think Damon SERIOUSLY underestimated, was Elena’s capacity and hidden affinity for BAD.  In a way, it was almost comical how shocked and offended the Salvatore Brothers were, when Elena started being rude and biting strangers, when that’s precisely what EVERY SINGLE VAMPIRE DOES WHEN HIS HUMANITY IS TURNED OFF!

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Now, don’t get me wrong, I didn’t like Humanity Free Elena either.  But, perhaps, her existence was necessary, in order to get Damon and Stefan to take her down from that pedestal they both kept her on for three seasons.

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The Pedestal . . .   Here was yet another way that Damon proved himself worthy of Elena’s love this season.  While Stefan promptly washed his hands of Elena, the moment she stopped behaving all sweet and cuddly around him . . .

elena free stefan

. . . Damon merely shrugged off Elena’s “evil” antics, and became more determined than ever to get her the Cure . . . even if that meant losing her to her brother for good.  (And let’s not forget, that it was ultimately Damon who discovered the precise route toward FINALLY putting Elena’s humanity on reboot.)

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Yes, the CURE.  Never has a plot device been such a royal pain in the ass .  . .

cure one more time

take cure with me

the kat thank me brought cure

Damon made no bones about how he felt about the Cure.   He didn’t want it.  And he didn’t really want Elena to take it either.  Because as much as Damon deeply misses being human, and the touching vulnerability that comes with it .  . .

miss being human

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. . . he loves being a vampire more.  And I’d like to think that Damon wanted that for Elena too . . . wanted her to learn to accept the odd joys of vampirism, and come to accept her new self, even more than he simply wanted her in his bed at night .  . .

sexy delena 2

delena sex

Yet, nonetheless, when Damon got his hands on the cure, at the end of the season, he was going to give to Elena . . . even though her humanity was on, and she was back to herself.  He was willing to give it to her,  if she desired it, because he valued her happiness above all else . . .

get the damn cure

Well .  . . almost all else . . .

Damon Salvatore is not a black and white character.  He lives in the shades of grey, in between, even in seasons like this one, designed to show off his “softer, more romantic side.”    That’s what I’ve always loved about Damon.  Just when you think he’s going to go and get all mushy on you, he does something surprisingly shallow, like choosing death over taking the Cure, aging, and wrinkling that pretty face of his .  . .

damon eternal stud

I adore the fact that Damon can still be selfish and shallow, because it makes him all that much more real to me.  And I guess, based on Elena’s ultimate choice in the Season 4 finale, Elena Gilbert feels the same way . . .

worst one

not sorry

Even an Eternal Stud Needs an Ego Stroke, Every Once in a While . . .

When every woman in the world is a sly smile, and compulsion-laced stare away from sleeping with you, it’s easy to get a swelled head.

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Damon Salvatore always did a pretty stellar job of portraying himself to the world as self-assured, to the point of arrogance . . . about his looks, his strength, and, most importantly, his sexual prowess.

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rocked world

But beneath all that bluster and bravado, was a vulnerable vamp who was surprisingly insecure . . .  one who had been taught, by the first woman he had ever loved, that no one could ever love him, on his own merits.

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In past seasons, it was always the external things that kept Damon from finding happiness with Elena.  HER feelings for Stefan . . . HER distrust of Damon’s motives . . .HER fear of the dark influence loving Damon would have on her soul.  But in Season 4, the greatest enemy to Damon’s finding happiness with Elena was Damon himself.    As thrilled as Damon was when Elena FINALLY chose to give herself to him, in early Season 4, he was also cautiously skeptical.

sad damon

And it was this skepticism, that plagued his consciousness with doubt of Elena’s true feelings, the minute that pesky sire bond came into play . . .

After four seasons, Damon had come to accept Elena’s rejection, as a matter of course.   So, when she behaved differently with him, it was difficult for him to lower his guard and just live in the moment.

ready to fight

The look on Damon’s face in the Season finale, when Elena FINALLY chooses him, of entirely her own accord, is one of beautiful ecstasy, but also one of shock . . . almost as if he can’t believe that fortune and true love have finally found him . . .

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Damon’s happiness in “Graduation” is hard fought, and well deserved.  As Damon fans, we rejoice in the opportunity to share this with him  . . .

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At least until next Season, when the writers will undoubtedly screw it up . . .

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And there you have it . . . Damon Salvatore in Season 4.

love you damon

ian says awesome

Next up?   The Big Bad with an odd penchant for drawing snowflakes, and collecting Caroline-sized dresses in his closet . . . Of course, I’m talking about Klaus Mikaelson .  . .

klaus cheers

See ya then, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]  [My Tumblr] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Damon and Elena, Damon Salvatore, The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries Season 4 – RE-Vamped: Part 1 – Elena Gilbert – From Virgin to Vixen to Vampire and Back Again

wake up elena

Funny thing about recaps . . . they pass their “Sell By” date pretty quickly.  If you’re a day or two late . . . no problem.

stefan shrug

But by about the fourth day after the episode aired, your detailed play-by-play is starting to smell a bit like sour milk.

smell something

This is particularly true during May Sweeps, when every night heralds a new season finale to discuss and dissect over the proverbial water cooler.

watch tv all day

For this reason, I’ve decided that, instead of offering up your garden variety recap, this blog series is going to be more of a TVD Season 4 Retrospective, with a few Season 5 predictions / wishes thrown in for good measure.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Don’t get me wrong, I still ABSOLUTELY plan on talking about all the CRAZY that went down during “Graduation,” (How could I not?  I’m a Delena fan, after all.)  I’m just going to do organize things a bit differently . . .

dry cleaning

What follows is a brief look at each Scooby Gang character’s arc this season.  We’ll talk about the Good . . . the Bad . . . and, of course, THE SILAS of each . . .

silas big fat problem

This first installment will feature everybody’s favorite Brunette Baby Vamp . . .

happy elena

Elena Gilbert

Season 4 of TVD was definitely the Season of Elena . . .

dancing elena

Yes, yes, I know.  Every season of TVD is technically the Season of Elena.  She’s the Special Snowflake, after all . . . the character everyone loves . . .

soul as compassionate

. . . wants to befriend . . .

girly dance

.  . . hates . . .

focus on hate

. . . wishes to enslave . . .

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. . . wants to kill.

just kill her

But this season, for the first time, plotlines had less to do with how other characters interacted with Elena, and more to do with how she reacted to them.  Perhaps, even more than that, Season 5 was about how Elena reacted to herself, and the Changes she was undergoing.

dont feel anything

in my head

Turning Elena into a vampire was arguably one of the show’s most polarizing decisions.  On one hand, from a feminist perspective, it was nice to see an empowered, dangerous, Elena, as opposed to her damsel in distress incarnation from previous seasons.

elena drinks

On the other hand, on a show where so many of the main characters were vampires, it was difficult for fans to extensively sympathize with Elena’s struggles with transformation.  Yes, anger issues, blood lust, hunger, fangs popping out at inopportune times . . . these are all frustrating.

freaking hungry

But the writers struggled to convince viewers that they were somehow MORE frustrating and painful for Elena, than they were for Stefan, Damon, Caroline, or any of the other vamps in Mystic Falls.

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So, in order to make Elena’s transformation story uniquely compelling, the writers had to raise the stakes.  They made her incapable of drinking blood from anywhere other than the vein . . .

bigger blood share first

They made her first impulse kill a vampire hunter, and saddled her with a crazy-making Hunter’s Curse . . .

bloody elena

They gave her . . . the dreaded SIRE BOND . . .

no no no its delena love

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Talk about polarizing!

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I suspect if you ask TVD writers, many were surprised by how violently fans responded to this particular plotline.  After all, from a purely mythological standpoint, the strong bond of loyalty and obedience between Maker and Made is nothing new.  We’ve seen it on other vampire series, like True Blood and Twilight.

a maker

TVD itself even explored such a relationship previously between Klaus and Tyler.

act not feel

The difference here was that, in this case, the Sire Bond wasn’t used as a plot device to bring characters together.  It was meant to break them apart.  Delena fans were frustrated by the implication that Elena’s being turned by Damon’s blood somehow cheapened the romantic relationship the pair had been gradually building with one another over the course of three seasons.

love you damon

love bathtub

Furthermore, they were infuriated by the fact that the first time Damon and Elena FINALLY got to do the deed, it was interrupted by scary music, and an ANNOYING conversation, during which Caroline and Stefan explained the nature of the sire bond.

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Damon fans were frustrated by the writers seeming refusal to let the Elder Salvatore Brother ever “get the girl,” under genuine circumstances.

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dont care

They felt that the sire bond cast a dark pall over Damon’s actions toward Elena.  His rescue of her from the hunters curse, his solution to her “blood problem,” his acceptance of her new vampire form, when all her friends seemed to shun her, these should have been seen as gallant and romantic.  But, under the shadow of the sire bond, they seemed somehow manipulative and controlling.

im not enough

Stelena fans, devastated by the couple’s break up, early on in Elena’s vampire transformation process, latched on to the sire bond as evidence that the Damon and Elena relationship wasn’t “real.”  But that didn’t make the coupling any easier for them to watch.

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stefan crying gif

Vampire mythology gurus complained that the show’s explanation for the sire bond was inconsistent and nonsensical, not only in comparison to other series’ sire bond explanations, but to the rules the show previously created for itself.  They wondered, for example, how, if the sire bond was so rare, how Damon managed to have two women develop this bond to him, while all the other non-hybrid vampires of the world had none.

damon eternal stud

They asserted that if the sire bond developed as a result of preexisting feelings of love between Maker and Made than why did neither Stefan nor Damon develop such a bond with Katherine Pierce.

the kat thank me brought cure

And finally they complained about how Elena, who seemed perfectly capable of disobeying Damon during the first week’s of her vampirism, suddenly seemed completely incapable of ignoring his plans, the moment the bond was revealed.

ready to fight

turn it off

Come to think of it, perhaps, the Sire Bond wasn’t all that polarizing.  Pretty much, everyone hated it . . .

could have turned it off

Fortunately for fans, the sire bond plotline only lasted a few weeks.  After that, Elena had another Unique Vampire Problem, with which to cope . . .  her newfound lack of Humanity.

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Humanity Free Elena stemmed from what was, in my opinion, one of the most powerful, and well executed plot twists of the season . . . Jeremy Gilbert’s death.  “Stand By Me” was a heartbreakingly beautiful and powerful TVD episode, during which Elena literally lost everything she cared about . . . her brother .  . . her home . . . her will to live . . . and finally, her ability to love.

the walk out

Given the careful and clever way in which Humanity Free Elena was introduced, I think many fans, initially, were on board with this new version of an old character.  They wondered how she would distinguish herself from Katherine . . . the other “Bad” version of a character played by Nina Dobrev.

never pass elena

They gleefully, if a bit concernedly, contemplated how Elena’s newfound evilness would impact her usually all-consuming love life.  They tried to guess what type of “villain” Evilena would be . . .

big bitch crazy

The fans response to Humanity Free Elena was a bit of a mixed bag.  Some fans enjoyed just how different she was than regular Elena.  To the writer’s credit, unlike with their development of Ripper Stefan, back in early Season 3, the TVD crew pulled no punches here.  As far as “moral compass” characters go, Humanity Free Elena was pretty terrible.  She insulted EVERYONE . . .

ploppy

She tried to eat most of her friends . . .

dont eat the prom queen love-isover

She broke the neck of random waitress . . .

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She stole clothing and cars . . .

stole prom dress

She dyed her hair pink .  . .

i dont care

time to experiment

And yet, as a villain, Elena wasn’t quite as much fun as others of her ilk.  She wasn’t a master of wry one liners like Damon . . .

big bad vampire out here

. . . or a sex kitten like Katherine . . .

the kat kiss me or kill me

She lacked the dignity of Elijah . . .

brothertobrother elijah honor in revenge

.  . . and the unexpected charm of Klaus.

klaus cheers

Even Ripper Stefan, at his worst, had a sort of so- frightening-you-can’t-look-away ravenous menace to his character that Evilena lacked . . .

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As for the show’s EPIC love triangle, Elena’s lack of Humanity, for all intents and purposes, placed it entirely on hold, frustrating fans on both sites of the Stefan versus Damon debate . . .

elena free stefan

But, eventually, like her Inability to consume blood bags, her Hunters Curse, and her Sire Bond, Elena’s lack of humanity came to an end.  The plotline concluded with a touching reaction on Elena’s part to the almost-death of her first boyfriend Matt.

oldest friend

thats humanity

At this point, the storyline shifted away from Elena, and on to Silas, his Apocalypse, and of course the Cure . . .

cure one more time

Having made quite a few missteps with Elena’s characterization this season, I think the writers ultimately got it right at the end.  Giving the cure to Elena’s nemesis Katherine was an inspired move, for a few reasons (most of which, I plan to discuss in the Katherine section of this series).

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For one, it showed that the cast and crew were committed to Elena’s continued vampirism.  They didn’t take the easy way out, by “undoing” it at the last moment.

take cure with me

Another thing the writers did right was having a humanity full, vampiric, non-sire bonded or hunters cursed Elena choose Damon during the season  4 finale, just as she chose Stefan at the end of Season 3.  For starters, this choice will enable the writers to truly explore the Delena relationship under genuine circumstances, something they never got a chance to do in Season 4.

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got the girl

Now, I may be in the minority here, but I adored Elena’s declaration of love to Damon in “Graduation.”  Her insult-laced monologue was more romantic to me than any goopy poem about roses and hearts ever could be.  For me, it perfectly summarized what captivated me about this relationship, when it was first introduced, back in the middle of Season 1.

kissing delena

3 11 delena not right now asheleyelizabeth1020

That Damon loved Elena when she was a human was a foregone conclusion.   After all, Human Elena was easy to love . . . kind, generous, sweet, and damn near perfect.

delena cuddle

But the true test of Damon’s love for Elena came when she became a vampire . . . Flawed, and, at times, savage.

vampire elena

Vampire Elena was not quite as easy to love, as her human counterpart.  This is evidenced by the way other members of her Scooby Crew, began to treat Elena, shortly after her transformation.

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And yet, when everyone turned against Vampire Elena, Damon stuck by her.  He told her that he loved her unconditionally, for exactly who she was . .  . human or vampire . . . wild and impulsive or restrained . .  . tough or vulnerable.  Those were just the details.  None of them mattered to Damon.  She was still the girl of his dreams.

fine with her either way

Up until this point, Damon’s insecurity regarding his relationship with Elena had to do with the fact that he was never sure that she felt the same way about him, as he did about her.  Back in the earlier seasons, Damon always felt like Elena was trying to turn him into Stefan.  She seemed to be constantly judging his actions, urging him to DO better, and BE better.  Then, the Sire Bond came around.  And even though, during that time, Elena seemed altogether accepting of Damon, he could never be sure whether her acceptance was real.

slept with damon because i love him

damon soulful crying

However, in the finale, Elena stands before him and confirms, vehemently, that yes, Damon can be impulsive, aggressive, short-sighted and foolhardy.  She knows this all too well about him.  Yet, Elena loves Damon, not just in spite of his worst attributes, but because of them.  And isn’t that really what all of us want in a true love?  Someone who can not only appreciate and embrace our beauty, but our ugliness as well?

damon-s-dance-o

Presumably, next season will feature a brighter, shinier Elena than this Season incarnation.  Her brother is alive again.  Her humanity is on.  She’s got a new hot boyfriend to whom she isn’t sire bonded.  All is right in the world . . . at least until about five minutes into the Season 6 premiere . . .

3 finale happy ponytail elena

And there you have it … Season 4 Elena in a nutshell.  Next up, the eternal stud of the Salvatore Household . . . Damon!

the show

waves

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Death Takes a Holiday – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Walking Dead.”

greetings dead

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Impending Apocalypse notwithstanding, our Mystic Falls Scooby Gang seemed to be having a pretty good day, in this week’s “The Walking Dead.”  Old friends were reunited . . .

not every ghost

ones like me

idiot best friend

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Old scores were settled . . .

kill big

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And lots of liquor was imbibed . . .

drink fancies

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Not for Bonnie, though.  Her day kind of sucked.  Apparently, all dark magic expression and no play, make Bonnie one dead witch . . .

omg dead

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And let’s not forget Silas.  In the course of a single hour, the guy  went from being Caroline to Stefan to Alaric to a statue of Alaric, stolen from Madame Tussaud’s museum of frozen celebrities . . .

wax head

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He kind of looks like a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle . . .

Raphael in the 1990 Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles film. Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles is due in 2013

Let’s review, shall we?

stefan salvatore fist pump best

The Homicidal Maniac Workout Plan

3 6 warrior elena

Personally, I’ve always really admired Elena Gilbert’s dedication to fitness . . .

3 6 spotting ipromiseyou-delena

I mean, here is a girl, who, as a human, took down a supernaturally strong, ridiculously buff, vampire hunter, just because she was REALLY PISSED OFF.

connor jordan

killer headline

This is one scrappy special snowflake!  Throughout the course of the series, quite a few episodes have been dedicated to Elena’s take-no-prisoners workout regimen.  I smell an exercise video in the works!

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This week, Elena begins the episode in workout mode once again.  She’s breaking cement blocks with her feet, and doing chin-ups on the ceiling.

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Stefan hopes all this exercise will make Elena forget she wants to murder Katherine . . .

focus on hate

Yeah . . . not so much . . .

stefan shrug

Caroline is on Distract Elena Duty too.  But instead of fitness, she opts to involve Elena the Orphan in Graduation Invitation Stamping?

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Damon eye roll

Great idea, Caroline.  Reminding Elena that her family members are dead, and can’t attend her graduation, when some of those family members are dead because of Katherine, is DEFINITELY going to keep Elena from wanting to kill Katherine.

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The Scooby Gang really should have considered putting Damon on distract Elena duty . . .

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delena sex big

Just saying . . .

Meanwhile over in the Forest Where Bad Things Always Happen . . .

Stuck on You

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Foreshadow much?

Bonnie and Katherine each have something one another want.  Katherine has a big ugly rock from Silas’ grave.  Bonnie has the power to make Katherine invincible.  (Sounds like a fair trade to me!)

Not trusting that Katherine will give up her precious Big Ugly Rock, on her own volition, Bonnie does a spell that physically links Katherine and Bonnie together.  This means neither can go more than 25 feet from the other, without being shocked, like a dog running up against one of those electric fences.  It’s kind of like a Restraining Order in Reverse.

frustrated kat

Now, personally, if I was Katherine, I would have used this to my advantage . . . and told Bonnie I hid the big ugly rock at a five-star hotel in Aruba.

katherine ing

This way, at least I’d get a good vacation out of the deal . . . even if it meant having to share a hotel bed with someone who probably mutters in Latin, and suffers from bloody noses, in her sleep .  . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

“Can you ask room service to bring up some extra tissues?”

Instead, Katherine just gives up the Big Ugly Rock.  Lame!  You’re going soft on us, Kitty Kat . . .

ponder kat

Silly Rabbit, Blood Bags are for Vampires . . .

When I was a kid, I always assumed that the real reason you left cookies and milk for the fat guy in the red suit, on Christmas Eve, was so that, after he broke into your home through your chimney, he’d be full and happy enough not to make off with your valuables and eat the family pet.  Pretty morbid huh?

santa klaus

For the same reason, I always thought that taking the blood bags out of Mystic Falls Hospital was a terrible idea.    You’re not protecting the hospital from hungry vampires, you’re just taking away their cookies.  And when Silas doesn’t have his cookies (particularly when he needs them to Bring About the Apocalypse in 24 hours), he’s just going to change his face into the pretty nurse from the reception desk, and eat all your patients.

BabyScared

Now, you’ve got this whole stockpile of blood bags, and no one to use it on, except the population of vampires you were hiding it from in the first place.

draco malfoy facepalm

Let that be a lesson to you about leaving Santa his cookies, Lizard Forbes . . .

You Can’t Get Blood from a Stone . . . or Can You?

It’s getting mighty windy at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .

rain 1

rain 2

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This couldn’t have something to do with the whole Drop the Veil / Apocalypse thingy, would it?

shakes head

Nahhhhhh!

Elena may have her humanity back, but she’s still being a heinous b*tch.  She tells Rebekah that she’s not her friend.  And she refuses to apologize to Caroline for calling her repulsive last week.  At least Humanity Free Elena liked to party . . .

dancing elena

Homicidal Elena just plays darts, and pretends the board is Katherine’s face . . .

3 4 happy to know kat

Someone get this girl a Midol please, because this Vampire Period has gone on way too long . . .

tampon-med1

When the power goes out in Mystic Falls, starting from the three points where all those people died, the Scooby Gang figures out that Bonnie is triggering the “Expression Triangle” and dropping the veil, BEFORE the Full Moon.  They race to the center of the triangle to find her, which, of course happens to be right in that magical place they never go . . . SCHOOL.

high school 1

Elena can give two craps about Bonnie and her Apocalypse Schmocalypse.

sad bored hobby

She just wants to kill Katherine.  But then she finds out Bonnie is WITH Katherine.  And she’s ready to go in, all guns blazing.

3 6 warrior elena

Warrior Princess Mode Activated . . .

She even provides the Gang with a key piece of information, which helps them to get underground where the spell is occurring.  Who knew Elena had such an intimate knowledge of the school’s underground passageways?  It looks like someone’s been spending science class making out in the boiler room . . . You go, Elena!

happy elena

Underground, Bonnie’s hugging a rock and making it bleed.

bloody rock

Personally, I prefer my magic tricks to be of the Cute Fluffy Rabbit Pulled Out of a Hat variety.  But that’s just me.  Anywhoo, I guess the veil is down now.  At least around Mystic Falls . . .

Back upstairs, Damon tells Elena that she isn’t allowed to play in the Stop Bonnie / Potentially Kill Katherine games.

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So, she stakes his ass.

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This is becoming a highly abusive relationship . . .

Fortunately, Damon gets a helping hand from a surprising source . . .

They’re BAAAAAAACCKKKK!

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Whether you are Team Delena, Team Stelena, or Team Klaroline chances are you are still on Team Badass . . .

team bad ass

This bromance knows no bounds.  And the fact that Matt Davis’s “other” show has recently been canceled, means that this relationship just might live to see another season . . .

ian says awesome

How sweet of Alaric to keep a watch over his errant vampire buddy from the Great Beyond!

not every ghostones like me

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Alaric helpfully explains that, at this point, the “Veil” to the “Other Side” is only down around Mystic Falls.  This means that while, theoretically speaking, every supernatural dead creature CAN cross over to the Land of the Living, only those still on contract with the CW actually do it . . .

kind of dead

Sorry Megan Fox.  That doesn’t include you.

And while Damon is thrilled to see his long lost buddy, he can’t help but be a wee bit skeptical.  After all, Silas has been wandering around impersonating literally everybody by Damon’s mother.  So, why wouldn’t he impersonate Alaric too?

single tear alaric

Alaric is a bit hurt that Damon would accuse him of being Silas.  But he’s more than ready to prove he’s the Real Deal.  Would Silas know about the duo’s Secret Alcoholic’s liquor stash at the high school?

locker 42 2

“It’s really YOUUUUU!”

Actually, I hate to break it to you Damon.  But . . . yeah . . . Silas would totally know about Locker 42.  That’s what he does!  He gets into people’s heads, and uses their inner most thoughts against them.

damon soulful crying

So, while I’m totally with Damon in wanting Alaric to be real.  There are some things that happened later in the episode, which made me question the veracity of this reunion.  Let’s just leave it at that.

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Matt and Rebekah are trying to have a Romantic Candlelight Apocalypse Dinner, when they get cockblocked into engaging in an Undead Family Reunion of their own . . .

hot kol 2

That Kol.  He really is one perpetually pissed off dude, isn’t he?  He makes Big Brother Santa Klaus look downright congenial . . .

klaus cheers

“Thanks for making me look good, Kol.”

Theoretically speaking, the untimely death of Jer Bear, should have rendered Kol free of that pesky “Unfinished Business” that seems to plague so many miserable ghosts these days.  But nooooo!  Kol has to get greedy and kill Elena.  He even makes a shiv out of a liquor bottle and stabs Matt just for sh*ts and giggles . . .

matt car breakdown

“Why is everybody always making me bleed?”

Rebekah quickly jumps to offer Matt some of her vampire blood.  But Matt politely declines.  “My position as the sole human character left on this show, makes me so much less likely to get killed off.  So, I’m going to stay away from the Big Bad Vampire Juice, if you don’t mind,” he explains.

Beks heads off in search of a first aid kit . . . a HUMAN one.

Doppelganger Hijinx Etcetera

Katherine asks for slack on her Bonnie leash to investigate a noise she hears in the basement.  Surprise!  It’s Elena.  So, are these two kicking the sh*t out of one another going to become like a weekly thing?

but kick

Meanwhile, Bonnie’s down the hall, screaming and moaning, because Elena is hurting her “feelings twin.”  That’s what you get for linking yourself to someone who everyone wants dead, Bon-Bon.  It’s the reason she wanted invincibility in the first, place, HELLO!

surrounded by idiots

Plus, since Bonnie already used that Big Ugly Rock to bring down the veil.  She doesn’t really need to be linked to Death Trap Kat, anymore, now does she?

not that i know guildens fern

While “Caroline” convinces Bonnie to break the link, Stefan heads off to intervene on yet another fight between his two ex girlfriends that has absolutely nothing to do with him . . .

stefan crying gif

“When did everybody stop loving me?”

Homicidal Maniac Elena is not the least bit amused with Stefan for ruining her murder games.  And the fact that he did it to prevent Elena from inadvertently killing Bonnie does little to diminish girlfriend’s rage.  “Dead Bonnie, meh,” Elena shrugs the idea off.  “Here, Stefan.  Have a date with my fist.”

beating up stefan

Now, Elena, if you keep beating up your boyfriends they won’t worship the ground you walk on, anymore!  (Who am I kidding?  It’s your show.  They will ALWAYS worship the ground you walk on . . .)

3 finale happy ponytail elena

Meanwhile, back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah finds Caroline in a bit of a psychological pickle . . .

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But wait . . . isn’t Caroline with Bonnie?

3 12 confused damon

SILAS, YOU RAT BASTARD!  You’ve done it again!

So, while Beks is gently breaking Real Caroline out of her Silas-induced Mind-Mush . . .

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Bonnie is being taunted by FAKE CAROLINE / REAL SILAS.  Who dances around her in a circle, turning into a different face, every five seconds.  Silas helpfully explains to Bonnie that the ugly Uncle Fester / Voldemort mug was nothing more than just a ruse, to make Bonnie believe he couldn’t get into her head anymore.  You know what that means, don’t you Fangbangers?  Silas is hot.  Just like everybody else on this show.  SURPRISE!

3 12 klaus eyeroll

Just once I’d like for there to be a villain on this show whose truly hideously deformed.  It might make for a nice change of pace, you know?

my precious

I hear this guy is available . . .

Silas also throws in a piece of mythology we all might have forgotten about . . . The Hunters Curse.  Theoretically, Silas should have been suffering from it, after he drained Jer Bear of Blood.

dead jer 2And yet, it makes sense that the Beautiful Mind Guy, who gets into people’s brains and impersonates others, like it’s his job, would be able to easily defeat a curse that involves . . . someone getting into your brain and impersonating someone else .  . .

nodding oh yeah

So, much for that useless piece of mythology . . .  Silas hears Damon in the distance.  So, he decides to turn into Alaric, and make Bonnie believe she’s suffocating.  Like I said, it’s a bad day for Bon-Bon . . .

Meanwhile, over at the Special Snowflake Cemetery for dead Gilberts . . .

Welcome back, Jer Bear!

Unable to murder Katherine, Elena is stuck with dealing with those pesky emotions, she’s been trying to bury for a third of the season .  . .

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Uhhh . . . Elena?  Not to be insensitive or anything, but haven’t you only been feeling like “this” for the past two minutes?  Before that you were all . . .

dont feel anything

Fortunately, for Elena, yet another distraction is conveniently heading her way . . .

hello my dumplings

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Yes, that’s the nice thing about impending death, it prevents you from being depressed about the deaths of others.  And Suicidal Elena seems more than ready to meet her Maker.  After all, most of her friends and family are already on the “Other Side.”  At least they were, until that whole “veil dropping thing” that happened about five minutes ago . . .

how many times

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Hey, remember back last season, when Kol and Jer Bear were batting cage buddies?

kol bat

Those were the days, huh?  Now, Kol is in a murderous rage all the time, and Jer Bear is . . . well .  . . doing this . . .

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Except, it actually ends up being Stefan, who breaks Kol’s neck just when he’s about to finish his oh-so-cliched villain line:  “Kill me once, shame on me.  Kill me twice. . .”

DAMMIT STEFAN!  I wanted to hear the end!

stefan shrug

Cue the Gilbert Family reunion . . .

elena stabs jer

No, not that one!  More like this one . . .

undead gilbert

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Back underground .  . .

Be Calm . . . Kill . . . SILAS?

Bonnie thinks she’s suffocating.

bonnie shane 2

But Grams pops by to tell her  . . .

crazy gram

“Just kidding!”

This episode actually contains within it a surprisingly inspirational message about mind over matter.  All these big strong supernatural characters are repeatedly being undermined by the limitations of their own brains.  In other words, ending the World’s Apocalypse really comes down to nothing more than good old fashioned “positive thinking.”

b positive

And positive thinking is exactly what Bonnie does, when she sees “Alaric” and makes believe he’s turning to stone.  And then, that’s precisely what he does . . .

wax head

“Kind of feeling a bit stiff here!”

Did I say Alaric?  I meant Silas . . .

clap for bonus

At least we are meant to assume that it’s Silas.  But I’m still skeptical . . . more on why in just a bit . . .

Happy Happy, Joy Joy?

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I actually really hope this scene is real, because it was one of my favorites in the episode.  Alaric and Damon spend Alaric’s final moments, pre veil re-lift hoisting “Silas'” cemented body into a trunk, and getting toasted on cheap liquor.  “I thought you were cutting back,” Damon chides.

“I thought you were going to protect the children,” Alaric retorts.

Touche, Alaric!  And when Alaric gives Damon the cure he found in Silas’ pocket, and tells him to “get the girl.”  I’m cheering!  How sweet!  How fitting!  How perfect!  Especially when you consider how long it took protective pseudo dad Alaric/ Chunky Monkey to come around to the idea of a Delena Courtship .  . .

damon and alaric

But then I thought:  “How do you get something out of the pocket of a person who is encased in cement?”

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

And then, I started to wonder if the thing encased in cement was really Silas, or just poor Alaric, who can’t seem to catch a break, even on his Dead Guy Holiday?

dalaric 2

And if Silas is skulking around Mystic Falls, maybe that thing he gave Damon wasn’t the cure at all, but something else entirely. OR . .  . maybe it is the cure.  And he’s planning to pretend to be Elena or Stefan, so that when Damon gives the cure to them, he can take it for himself.

soap dish smash

But that doesn’t matter, right?  Because in order for Silas to do what he plans to do, the veil needs to be COMPLETELY down, not just partially down like it is now .  . .

Cue Bonnie’s descent into magic fueled Dark Willow Madness . . .

dark willow

Down goes the veil.  And Bonnie goes tumbling right after it . . .

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I wonder if ghosts still get nosebleeds . . .

In happier news, Damon wasn’t the only Salvatore who got to make nice with his Bestie, this week . . .

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Good ole, Lexie!  Always telling it like it is, and clearly shipping Delena from the great beyond.

go team delena

Speaking of ships, it makes sense that Lexi would stamp her seal of approval on the Staroline relationship, be it platonic (like Stefan’s and Lexi’s, or otherwise) . . .

replaced other blonde

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Not only are they both blonde, perky, vampire barbie types . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

Both Lexi and Caroline seem to bring out a surprisingly light-hearted humorous side of Stefan, we don’t often get to see on the show.  In short, he actually SMILES when he’s with these two.  And even broody Stefan deserves a laugh every once in a while . . .

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Now, whether that spells a romantic future for these two in Season 5, remains to be seen.  It also depends largely on This Guy . . .

klaus moving on rebekahmkaelsn

And This Guy. . .

klausityler sex 2

Speaking of romances up for grabs, Beks and Matt get yet another romantic romance cockblocked.  This time the culprit is Rebekah’s ancient ex with the distractingly long Fabio hair . . .

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rebekah heart

“Why do I suddenly feel like I’m on the cover of a bad romance novel?”

And his sexy vampire hunter friends . . .

shirtless con

not shirtless vaughn

Oh these three probably had quite the Hot Gay Dance Party over on the other side . . . Kind of wish I was there to see it . . .

new girl think i understand hunting

But now, it’s all about the VENGEANCE!

focus on hate

Ruh-roh, Scooby Gang!  It looks like your graduation party just got a lot more crowded . . .

waves

Until next time, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever] [ my tumblr]

8 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

This Girl is on Fire! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “She’s Come Undone”

burning elena

Well . . . that’s one way to get guys to think you are hot . . .

Hey there Fangbangers!  This week on TVD, Elena Gilbert felt the burn, figuratively and literally.

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Also this week, literally EVERYONE in Caroline’s life became Silas  .  . .

mess my head

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So, keep your fire extinguisher handy, Fangbangers, because this one is going to be a scorcher . . .

This is your brain on Damon Salvatore . . .

back to school again

“I’m actually at school?  What is this?  Some alternate universe where my character is still on Degrassi: The Next Generation?”

We begin our episode on a lovely sunny school day.  The sun in shining.  The birds are singing.  Caroline is bragging about being named valedictorian.  Bonnie is smiling . . . wait . . . Bonnie is smiling?  This HAS to be fake.

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soap dish smash

“Dammit!  Why did I have to make Bonnie smile?”

Yes, it appears that Damon has been Inception-ing Elena, in an attempt to convince her to come back to Team Humanity.

dreams we are still together

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But to no avail . . .

dream bigger

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I love the goofy moment, where we pan back from Elena’s “dream,” to see Damon standing around with his eyes closed . . .

mind manipulation damon

this is me thinking

It reminded me why they don’t usually show the “manipulation” part of Dream Manipulation on these shows.  I mean, compulsion from a vampire’s perspective always looks cool.  There’s no doubt about that . . .

damon-compels-caroline-gif

But Dream Manipulation from a vampire perspective looks like  . . . well . . . a nap.

4 10 nod off

It’s kind of like that move Avatar.  If taken from the human perspective, all that running around in the forest, riding on giant dragon-birds, using your blue tails to have sex, and saving the world from that Evil Army Dude, would just look like some guy sleeping in a coffin-like object, while getting powdered donuts fed to him intravenously through a tube . . .

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doing jake

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Anywhoo, since Damon gets a big fat F in the gradebooks for his attempts to Inception Elena back into a “good little girl,” he reverts to something that he KNOWS will earn him an A+ . . . Torture.

beating up stefan

2 20 damon beats up matt yeah

That’s right, Fangbangers!  Damon and Torture go together like Damon and Showering . . .

wet damon 2

How to Lose Friends and Alienate Vampire Barbies . . .

Peace-loving Caroline, who cured herself of her vampire anger issues, a mere two days after being turned . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

 . . . doesn’t believe the best way to Elena’s heart is through ripping out her stomach.  She’s convinced good old fashioned talking will do the trick.  And so the perky blonde flounces her way into the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires, bearing her heart on her sleeve, and a peace offering . . . blood for the starving and dessicated Elena.  Hmmm . . . I wonder if it’s B positive?

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take the blood

After Elena gorges greedily on the blood, she pointedly asks Caroline why she’s being so nice to Elena, after Elena has pretty much been the sh*ttiest friend ever to her . . .

ploppy

shut up make me

turn on

Caroline admits to Elena that . . . yeah . . . people who try to eat her don’t typically make it to the top of her best friend list . . .

damon_bites_caroline_by_flawlesstragedy-d32sfz2

(Actually it kind of seems like most of Caroline’s friends have tried to eat her at one point or another . . .)

calories

But Caroline doesn’t love Elena for the heinous b*tch she’s been these past few episodes.  She loves her for the Special Snowflake she’s been throughout all these other episodes!

happy elena

(Loving Elena is a prerequisite for being a character on this show!)

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So, of course, Evilena does what she always does when confronted with kindness.  First she insults the Kind Person . . .

clingy

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oh hell to the no

Then she tries to rip off the kind person’s face with her teeth . . .

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So, Caroline does what any rational girl would do in such a situation.  She breaks Elena’s neck . . .

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just kill her

And so, after a brief dalliance with Peacekeeping, it’s back to TORTURE TIME!

3 8 dance

Rendezvous with Mean Girls

Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Rebekah is drinking her feelings, when she comes upon the only male character left on the show, with whom she hasn’t had sex (yet) . . . Matt.

crushing beks moonlight-dream

“Hey hot stuff.  Have you ever seen a 1,000-year old girl naked?”

car and matt

“Shouldn’t you be hanging out on that New Spinoff with the rest of your ancient relatives?”

rebekah heart

“Stop ripping out my heart with your continuous rejection of me!”

Matt casually lets it slip that he’s going to probably be stuck in Mystic Falls, cleaning vomit off bartops, forever.  This is because he’s been too busy running from werewolves and ghosts, and evading inevitable apocalypses to actually do homework, or study for any of his classes.  This gives Rebekah an idea . . .

lightbulb-idea

Over at another diner/ bar type place . . . (one that can’t be in Mystic Falls, since we know there is only one Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls) Bonnie has a secret meeting with Elena’s Doppelganger Katherine Pierce.  It turns out that Katherine still has Silas’ headstone, and Bonnie wants it BAD . . .

Bonnie kat

For a girl who doesn’t need to eat, Katherine sure spends a lot of time in diners .  . .

It has something to do with Silas, and the veil, and the apocalypse, and blah, blah, blah.  All this mythology talk gives me a headache.

the headache filthy pirate hook

Just bring back my Alaric, Kol, and Jer Bear mmm-kay?

dalaric 3

hot kol 2

2 22 jer alaric uzmama

The rest of it, I could care less about, honestly . . .

stefan shrug

Back at the Salvatore Correctional Institute for Wayward Vampires . . .

Bad Girls Don’t Get Nice Jewelry

stef damon

“Do you realize that torturing Elena together is the closest you and I will probably ever get to that threesome we always dreamed about?”

cw-promo-vampire-diaries-11

Damon and Stefan have Elena tied to a chair in front of a window.  Also, Damon has stolen Elena’s sunscreen ring.  Now, that’s gotta hurt . . .

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Actually, Damon, I think bad girls steal nice jewelry . . .

Damon and Stefan kind of have the whole good cop / bad cop dynamic a bit messed up here.  Stefan is clearly trying to play good cop.  He keeps Dr. Phil-ing Elena into talking about her “feelings” . . .

stefan crying gif

 . . . while Damon is throwing out the one liners, like it’s his job (which, lets face it, it pretty much always has been).

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The only problem, of course, is that Stefan is the one who keeps ripping back the curtain to burn Elena  .  . .

oww

“The good news is that all this face burning, is making my teeth look super white!”

 . . . and this pretty much makes him the Worst Good Cop Ever . . .

not in a fight

Stefan and Damon decide to take a break from burning Elena’s boobies off to let her insult them both.  She reminds Stefan she dumped him, and Damon that she was sire bonded to him.  And blah, blah, blah . . .

2 16 damon says stop talking

But just when I’m about to get bored, Elena turns around and does something REALLY interesting . . .

burn lena

“I am vampire hear me ROARRRRR!”

burning elena

“I imagined this going a bit differently in my head . . .”

Because the last Sunshine Shock Treatment Elena received enabled her to burn through the ropes on her wrists, she breaks free from her spot on the chair, and actually FULL ON SETS HERSELF ON FIRE!  (Katniss Everdeen a.k.a. The Other Girl on Fire is not impressed . . .)

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Damon jumps into action and “extinguishes Elena,” reminding Damon fans everywhere what a sexy firefighter Damon would make (and what a long hose he probably has) . .  .

extinguish

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Firefighter fantasies notwithstanding, this is not a proud moment for our Sexy Salvatore Duo.  Elena is lying on the floor laughing in their faces.  After all, she’s just proved that, try as they might to be mean and menacing, these two could never truly hurt their Special Snowflake.  So, no matter how many times they put her in the proverbial hot seat, she really has nothing to fear.  Alas, this appears to be another Moonstone in the Soapdish Moment for poor Damon . . .

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It’s time for the brothers to call in The Reserves . . .

the kat thank me brought cure

Study Buddies and Burgers

beks burgers

“Someone once told me that the way to a man’s heart was through his clogged arteries.”

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“Awesome, now I won’t have to eat my dinner out of the Mystic Grill trash compactor.”

Caroline is crazy jealous and hurt, when Beks crashes her and Matt’s Let’s B*tch About Evil Elena Session to feed him, and help him pass all those classes he’s been failing.  It turns out, Caroline didn’t even know Matt was flunking out!

2 16 caroline j baker

Caroline has always been portrayed as the fashion conscious social butterfly of the show . . . The Joiner.  But it makes sense that she would be a TOTAL Rachel Berry, when it comes to academics, just like she is in every other aspect of her life . . .

screaming rachel berry

For Caroline, her ex-boyfriend’s failure at school is simply not an option (nor is leaving him alone to study with that vixen, Rebekah).  And so, off Vampire Barbie dashes to grab her arsenal of adorable pink flash cards, fantastic array of multi-colored highlighters, and sugar free energy bars.  “You dated That?”  Beks jokes.  (Watch out, Beks.  Your brother might just end up dating That too . . .)

klaus cheers

While Caroline’s away (more on that in a bit), Beks kindly offers to compel Matt some passing grades, and a college scholarship, so that he can FINALLY get out of this godforsaken town.   It’s a sweet offer from the girl who once ran Matt’s car off a road, and almost killed him.  (Oops.)

3 1 high matt tbtvdgifs

Umm . . . check the bottom of the lake.

The Original Vampire kind of DOES owe the Bar Boy a favor or twenty.  And while giving Mr. Blue Collar a ticket into the Lower Middle Class wouldn’t entirely erase the whole Attempted Murder Thing from these two’s history together, it sure would be a nice start.  But NOOOOOO, Matt has to be all “honorable” and pass his classes the “old fashioned way” . . . by using his smart phone to teach him Italian.

shakes head

Sometimes people are too good for their own good.   You know what I mean?

The Doppel-BANGER!

blah elena

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At first Stefan’s “Genius Plan” to get Katherine to scare Elena’s humanity seems to be going swimmingly well . . .

stefan salvatore fist pump best

The two insult one another.  They rough each other up a little bit . . .

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Well, would you look at that?  Nina Dobrev is beating the sh*t out of herself.   How very Fight Club of her!

hit me as hard

Of course, you would think that after 170 some odd years, Stefan would have finally learned that Katherine will never EVER do what the Salvatore Brothers want her to do.  And this time is no exception . . . Katherine sets the captive Elena free!

surprised-face

jealous kat

Silly Stefan.  One day, you’ll learn that whenever you play with fire, you inevitably will end up getting burned . . .

3 13 burning stefan montagues

Speaking of getting burned . . .

Silas, Silas Everywhere . . .

klaus moving on rebekahmkaelsn

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It is like something out of fanfiction.  Klaus leaving his Baby Mama Drama in New Orleans to return to his lady love in Mystic Falls.  He begs her to escape her humdrum apocalyptic vampire life to come live with him in the Treme.  He forces her to admit that her hatred of him has morphed into something else entirely.  And, for the first time, she doesn’t exactly deny it . . .

what afraid

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He invades her personal space, so she’s up against a tree . . .  his breath hot against her ear.  And then, he has to go and ruin it all, by making an offhand comment about feathers . . .

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So, wait.  Now, I’m confused.  Since when did Klaus become Elena?

3 12 confused damon

Just kidding.  It’s that MIND RAPIST, whose real face looks like a cross between Lord Voldemort and the Sith from those Star Wars movies . . .

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

sith

SILASSSSSSS!

BabyScared

He wants to send a message to Bonnie that she should come out of hiding OR ELSE.  And apparently that “message” involves staking Caroline.

caroline cryin

“Why is everybody always temporarily killing me?”

Later that night, Caroline wakes up from her little death nap.

wake up car

“I just had the most awful nightmare.”

Fortunately, Matt is there to comfort her . . .

2 3 matt caroline

I’m sorry.  Did I say “Matt,” I meant SILAS . . .

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Seriously?

Then Klaus pops up again, and he’s Silas too!

eye roll car

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.”

Worried that Silas will kill her mother, Caroline rushes home.  Then Bonnie appears at the window, out of no where, to tell Caroline that her MOM IS SILAS TOO!

lizard

“I haven’t been this villainous, since that time I tried to have my daughter killed, because I found out she was a bloodsucker.”

Feeling trapped, Bonnie eventually walks off with Silas and his Real Ugly face, leaving Caroline to tend to her maybe-dead mother, in the back room.  What a b*tch!

bonnie shane 2

you suck laurrrrde

As much as I’ve never been a big fan of the Lizard, I must admit, I got a little teary, when Caroline huddled over her and wished her back to life, a la Simba and Mufasa at the beginning of the Lion King.

wake up

nice man

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Actually, I Ugly Cried . . .

Ugly cry face

But then Lizard Forbes came back to life!  And all was right in the world!

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Well, almost . . .

Attempt to Return Elena’s Humanity #562 (Spoiler Alert: This one actually works.)

After laying it into Katherine a bit for being just as crappy at helping Elena get back her humanity as everyone else on the show has been . . .

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 . . . Damon comes up with another idea . . .

lightbulb-idea

This one involves Matt . . .

2 16 matt wtf face

life purpose

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At first this Plan #562 seems pretty darn similar to the 561 before it.  Matt finds Elena in the woods.  And he tells her she’s his oldest friend, and blah, blah blah . . .

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So, she eats him . . .

freaking hungry

He passes out .  . . and wakes up.  So, she tries to eat him again.  But Damon gets there first.  And Damon .  . . KILLS MATT?

damon and matt

What’s this?  Is Elena actually SAD that Matt is dead?

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But wait.  JUST KIDDING!  He’s wearing that Jamaican Me Crazy Immortality Ring!  Hooray!

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Matt’s ALIIIIIIIVE!  Elena’s humanity is BACK!  I think there’s just something about Matt that always represented a sort of youth and innocence she shared with him, before her parents died.  When Elena was with Matt she was perky, untarnished, and pure.  And that’s ultimately why I think it was his potential death that ended up effecting her enough to trigger her to put her humanity switch back into the “ON” position.

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In short, the 562nd time was, in fact, the charm.  Damon Salvatore (and Matt) for all the awards . . .

happy damon

But, of course, now, Elena is SUPER DUPER SAD about Jer Bear being dead, and about what a piece of sh*t she’s been these past few weeks.  I mean, girlfriend KILLED A WAITRESS!  And worse.  .  . she dyed her hair pink!  Oh the humanity . . . literally.

sick of crying

Stefan instantly reverts back to Dr. Phil mode . . .

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draco malfoy facepalm

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A few weeks back, we all harped a bit on Damon for using the sire bond to get Elena to turn ALL of her emotions off, when he could have just as easily just gotten her to lose ONE emotion . . . like say “sadness.”  This week, Stefan gets into a similar semantic kerfuffle with the extremely LITERAL Elena.

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Silly Stefan!  He thought his advice to Elena would turn her emotions into hearts, teddy bears and roses.  Maybe he even thought it would help him get laid.  Instead, it made Elena dead set on murdering the woman who killed Jer Bear, turned Caroline into a vampire,  brought Klaus to Mystic Falls, and stole the cure . . . her evil twin from the past . . . her doppelganger . . . Katherine Piece . . .

the kat im katherine

Katherine . . . the very same girl, who just entered into an alliance with Bonnie Bennett for the destruction of Silas, in exchange for her own shot at indestructibility.   Oh hell yes!  I think of all the Elena’s we’ve met this season, I’m going to like Homicidal Maniac Elena best of all . . .

3 6 warrior elena

Next week on The Vampire Diaries . . . The Apocalypse . . . and Kol . . . though not necessarily in that order . . .

Until next time, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com] My New Tumblr (Just getting my feet wet.)  Fangirls Forever

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

How Ya Like Me Now? – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Originals”

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Now there was a time when you loved me so.
I could have been wrong, but now you needed to know
See, I’ve been a bad, bad, bad, bad man.
And I’m in deep.  Yes I am.
I found a brand new love for this man 
And I can’t wait till you see.
I can’t wait
So, how you like me now?

-Lyrics to “How ya like me now?” by The Heavy.

How ya like me now?  It’s the song that sexy villain vampire Marcel sings in a karaoke bar in New Orleans, to introduce himself as Klaus’ charming, but intensely arrogant, new nemesis, in the early moments of this week’s episode of TVD.

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It’s also the question chief in the minds of the TVD writing staff.  The crew undoubtedly watched the episode with their fingers crossed, silently praying that you’ll still “like” Klaus, Elijah, Rebekah, and Hayley (though, let’s face it, no one ever really liked Haley), now that they’ve packed their bags and left Mystic Falls in exchange for a swankier (and much more culturally diverse) NOLA address.

From a strategic perspective, it seems like the perfect time for a spinoff like this.  With nearly four seasons behind its belt, TVD is quietly creeping toward middle age.  (By this time next year, it will be eligible for syndication!)

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And a well-executed spinoff might be just what the doctor ordered to breathe new life into a franchise that’s been struggling of late.  Plus, it’s not like these characters are untested newbies.  Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are all TVD veterans, each with substantial fanbases of their own.  (Klaus and Elijah have both been around since late season 2, and Rebekah, since early season 3.)

original respect

Yes, The Originals certainly has within it the makings of a great show.  The question is: did its backdoor pilot deliver?

stefan shrug

Let’s review, shall we Fangbangers?

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Have Gumbo, Will Travel . . .

sitting at table

Lactating?

Still on the hunt for her dead family, Hayley day drinks at a bar in New Orleans, where the chef notoriously puts a piece of her soul in every pot of gumbo she makes.  (You know, kind of like Voldemort and his Horcruxes.  And I don’t know about you, but I’d rather not eat a horcrux.  Thank you very much.)

medium_voldemort-looking-up-9fzhu4mo

“Mmmmm Soul Food . . .”

Bar Tender Jane Anne gets a little touchy feely with Hayley, when she shows her a map to a location in the bayou, where werewolves supposedly used to frequent.  We find out why, after the werewolf leaves.  Jane Anne promptly walks back to the kitchen were Soul Food Sophie is slaving away.  She’s clutching a massive clump of Hayley’s hair, like it’s a trophy of some sort.  (Yuck!  I hope they aren’t planning on mixing it in the gumbo, with all those horcruxes!)

Then again, they are probably just using it for this spell . . .

The Originals

Hey, Soon-to-be-dead Jane Anne uses candles and salt to do spells!  Just like that OTHER witch we know . . .

all the candles

I wonder how she avoids those pesky nosebleeds . . .

2 18 imperial bedrooms kat nose

I guess now we’ll never know . . .

Anywhoo, Jane Anne’s spell is rousing success, in that it gets Hayley’s car to break down, and causes her to temporarily DIE.  (Though, I suspect Klaroline fans are wishing that death was permanent, after this episode . . .)  Just as she falls to the ground, the witches magically appear just in time to catch her, and drag her into the bayou.  Bonnie could use some serious tutoring from these girls . . .

Marcel’s Rules

hugsies km

KLAUS: “I’m going to break your neck, and then rip out your spine”

MARCEL: “I’m going to chew off your shoulder, and then eat your face off.”

RANDOM NEWSIE CAP-WEARING GUY: “Geez, get a room you two.  Your PDA is making me uncomfortable.”

Upon learning from a witchy fortune teller that Marcel has taken over New Orleans, in Klaus’ absence — rendering the town’s witch population essentially powerless against him — Klaus just has to see this for himself.  So, he heads off to a Karaoke bar, where Marcel is auditioning to be on the cast of Glee . . .

how you like me now

“If that Puck guy can play a highschooler, so can I!”

Klaus and Marcel do that thing Alpha Males do, where they threaten each other, than act like it’s all a joke, and they really love one another, when actually the threatening part was closer to the truth . . .  Klaus, apparently, is Marcel’s sire, which immediately tells us a few things.  (1) Flashbacks are inevitable.  (2) Even if Marcel found some magical witchy way to kill Klaus, he wouldn’t be able to pull it off.  Because a dead Klaus means, not only a dead ENTIRE TVD CAST, but a Dead Marcel as well . . .

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I mean, all vampires SAY this.  But Klaus is the only one who can actually mean it . . .

And yet, while Klaus may have Marcel beat in the game of Eternal Living.  Marcel has one thing that Klaus has always desperately wanted, but never seemed fully able to obtain (even though he created an ENTIRE RACE OF BEINGS just for this purpose): FRIENDS!

utterly alone

As Katherine astutely notes, later in the episode, Klaus’ Achilles Heel is his loneliness.  He has nobody to play with but himself. . .

self five

Marcel, on the other hand, has an Entourage so large that it makes the guys from Entourage look like losers . . .

punch entourage

Marcel is literally friends with the entire city . . . though I guess he’s friends with them in the way girls in high school are friends with that b*tchy head cheerleader.  They are deathly afraid of him.  But they have to at least pretend to like him, so he doesn’t literally chew off their heads  . . .

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That said, I instantly like Marcel.  I actually think he’d be kind of fun to hang out with, in the way that douchebaggy, evil, sort of people, can sometimes be fun . . . particularly douchebaggy, evil people who like karaoke . . .

Klaus instantly covets this kind of loyalty.  But before he can steal all of Marcel’s newsie-cap wearing, hipster friends away from him, he has to deal with the little problem that sent him here in the first place . . . the witches that supposedly want him dead.  Marcel, being the generous guy that he is, is more than happy to help his old friend Klaus solve this little problem . . .

You killed Jane Anne!  (Bastards)

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Death By Tree . . .

Oh Jane Anne, we barely new thee . . .  You made pretty designs with salt, and played with Hayley’s hair.  And then you died with a goofy expression on your face, after being interrogated by Marcel on a dark city street, in the company of his entourage.  Jane Anne wasn’t about to give up her reasons for using the heretofore forbidden magic . . . certainly not to the guy who forbid her from using it. And for that, she paid the ultimate price.

kennysouthpark

Fear not, Jane Anne.  You’ll live to die again . . .

As far as deaths go, being impaled by a tree branch, isn’t the one I’d choose.  I mean, on one hand, it leaves you with a pretty pristine corpse, apart from some unsightly neck hickeys.  On the other hand, YOU WERE KILLED BY A TREE BRANCH.  And that’s just sad, sad, sad .  .

tree fresh

MURDERER!

Even Klaus seems sad for Dead Jane Anne.  Though, I suspect his sadness has less to do with him actually giving two craps about a bartending witch, and more to do with the fact that he feels he might have lost his chance to figure out why these witches seem to want him dead.

Marcel is sorry, but not sorry, about literally killing Klaus’ lead . . .

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3 10 klaus best respond to violence westhalder

So, Klaus heads to the Gumbo Bar to ask the grieving Soul Food Sophie about what exactly her sister’s beef with him was . . .  Sophie’s well acquainted with Klaus from bedtime stories her mother used to tell her.

witches tell bedtime

Now, I don’t know about your bedtime stories.  But mine generally didn’t involve a guy who EATS people.  Sophie’s mom must have hated her guts to tell her bedtime stories like that.  Maybe that’s why she puts horcruxes in people’s gumbo . . . bad childhood.

Anywhoo, Sophie stays mum about the whole magic thing with Klaus, because they are being watched by members of Marcel’s entourage.  Klaus responds to the secret stalking in a surprisingly gentlemanly way, by offering to buy his stalkers expensive Scotch . . . after threatening to remove their spines.  This act of kindness enables him to earn an adorable nickname from the cute new bartender, who conveniently appeared in town, just as the ORIGINAL bartender lost her neck . . .

hundred dollar guy

I hope they enjoyed that Scotch.  Because it’s the last they will ever have . . .

A Man Who Knows How to Make an Entrance . . .

Though initially ambivalent about helping his younger sibling . . .

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 . . . Elijah ultimately decides to do the brotherly thing, by murdering Klaus’ stalkers when they attempt to silence Sophie  . . .  And no one has a more artistic flare for murder than Elijah . . .

3 12 elijah klaus

heart

Suave Elijah . . . he sure knows the way to a woman’s heart, doesn’t he?  That bludgeoned organ was like a Valentine’s Day card to dear Sophie.  All that was missing was a poem, and the words “Be Mine.”

brothertobrother elijah honor in revenge

Then, he got the second stalker impaled against a wall!  Color me turned on . . .

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I wonder what kind of bedtime stories Sophie’s mom told her about Elijah . . .

She’s having my baby!

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“Dammit.  I knew I shouldn’t have eaten all that gumbo.  Is there a bathroom around here?”

DANCING_BABY

In the Big Reveal of the evening, Elijah brings together Klaus and the NOLA witches for a Peace Treaty of sorts.  As it turns out, the witches aren’t out to kill Klaus, at all.   Rather, they are hoping that Klaus will save them from King Marcel and his tyrannical Magic Free rule . . .

wanna be a king

King Klaus, huh?  And the witches think this will be a SAFER alternative for them?  Seriously?  Did they only watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of Seasons 3 and 4 of The Vampire Diaries.  Did they miss the part where Klaus brought to extinction an entire RACE of hybrids . . . a race that HE CREATED?

surrounded by idiots

Logic notwithstanding . . . the witches have an ace up their sleeve, one they think will win them Klaus’ loyalty.  And out pops Hayley . . .

klaus sex 2

Klaus scoffs at this.  Clearly, the witches didn’t watch the Klaus/Caroline parts of the show either.  “I don’t give a sh*t about Hayley!”  Klaus says, more or less.   “It’s not like the sex was THAT good.  And, besides.  Everyone knows I prefer blondes.”

3 14 klaroline dances

klefan

“Not so fast, Klaus,” the witches warn . . .

preggar

Clear Blue Sophie . . . the only pregnancy test for your knocked up teen werewolf

Detecting pregnancies . . .well, now that’s a nifty magical power!  Some might argue it’s even cooler than playing with salt, and lighting candles, without suffering from a nosebleed  . . . (Then again, after about three months, MOST people can “sense when a woman is pregnant.”  It’s called WEIGHT GAIN!)

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Damn straight, it’s impossible!  1,000-year old hybrids and werewolves making babies together?  What’s next?  Sparkly vampires impregnating humans, who have to be turned into vampires, after they give birth to creepy kids who reach adolescence, by the time they are a year old?

renesme

Being a typical guy, Klaus immediately wants a paternity test, accusing Hayley of slutting around with someone else in Mystic Falls.  (How hilarious would it be if the baby actually ended up being Tyler’s?)

tyler points

But Hayley says, “Nope, all you, Big Guy!  No one else on TVD liked me enough to sleep with me.”

Klaus uses his vampire hearing to detect the baby’s heartbeat. And he is briefly touched by the notion of an unborn Mini Klaus in the tummy of his one-night stand.  But then, he quickly reverts back to petulant child mode.  “Kill the girl, and the baby.  See what I care,” Klaus shouts, as he stomps off into the darkness . . .

BabyScared

“But Daddy . . .  I thought we had a Moment!”

Elijah follows Klaus to try to get him to reconsider.  He tells him that a baby can be just what the broken Mikaelson family needs to get a fresh start on life .  . . a path back to their humanity.  (Silly Elijah, don’t you ever watch Lifetime Movies?  The baby never saves the failed marriage .  . . not even magical babies, like Mini Klaus.)

But Klaus’ pride will simply not allow him to do the witches’ bidding, not when he feels like they manipulated him, and underestimated his intelligence . . .

3 15 too smart seduced summer

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

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In other family news, the Honeymoon between Klaus and Marcel is clearly over.

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Furious at Marcel for having him followed, Klaus threatens to bite one of the King’s little boyfriends.  And later, when Marcel starts getting all territorial, and calling NOLA his city, Klaus makes good on that threat . . .

mwah

Awww . . . Newsie Cap Guy!  You’re too pretty to die!

Death by Klausi-kiss.  Now, THAT’S a much better way to go than Death by Tree Branch . . .

cannot be killed

Message sent and received.  Marcel may have his rules.  But those rules simply don’t apply to The Original Hybrid . . .

Artsy Fartsy

camille and klaus

Always a sucker for a spunky blonde and some good artwork, Klaus begins to reconsider the whole Daddy Situation, after engaging in a rather loaded conversation with Bartender/ Psych Major Camille about a street vendor’s art, which seems to literally speak to Klaus’ soul.  (Another horcrux, perhaps?)  Camille describes the painting as done by someone who is angry, dark, lonely, and doesn’t like to be controlled . . .

stop hounding me

It probably didn’t help that the painting in question kind of looked like this . . .

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Every King Needs an Heir . . .

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Whether it was the poopy painting, or the Caroline lookalike who talked to him about it, something about the experience causes Klaus to have a change of heart . . .

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“IT DOES EXIST!”

Klaus and Elijah wax nostalgic a bit, about their youthful days spent in New Orleans.  (And by youthful, I mean they were only in their 600s.)  Klaus admits to his brother that he wants what Marcel has . . . power, friendship, family, loyalty, and a kingdom to call his very own.

And yeah, if that kingdom just so happens to include Hayley’s spawn, so be it . . .

4 2 gonna make a baby

In his first boldly political move to regain power over the Treme, Klaus makes peace with Marcel.  He rescues Newsie Cap guy (YAYYYYY!!), by feeding him his blood, and politely asks his former vampire kid for permission to stick around awhile.  Marcel accepts Klaus’ apology, but is smart enough to know that this detente between the two is only temporary, as the town is certainly not big enough for both of their massive egos . . .

santa klaus

Elijah too makes plans for a more permanent stay in Spinoff Land, by boldly cutting off ties with that sex kitten, Katherine Pierce, in the final moments of the episode . . .

so much life

our turn

What’s the matter Elijah?  You have something against getting laid?

3 13 family business rozzy

dont know family 3

Look, I get it, Elijah.  Family is important.  But I don’t see why you can’t have your family, and eat Katherine out too.  Just sayin . . .

the kat monster

Speaking of liaisons . . .

Sweet Caroline?

So, remember when Klaus promised Caroline that he’d be her personal travel companion, and willing cosmopolitan tour guide, for all eternity?

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Apparently, so does he!  A deep appreciation for art and culture is always something Klaus and Caroline shared.  Even though Klaus had the opportunity to travel the entire world, whereas Caroline’s existence, up until this point, has been limited to the confines of a sometimes stifling small Virginia town.  So, it’s natural that Klaus would think about Caroline, while traveling in a city as rich and culturally unique as New Orleans.

great world

share with you

And given the general easing of relations between the two, of late, it’s hard to imagine that Caroline would be able to keep the smirk from her face, as she listened to this message.

caroline on phone

I may be in the minority here.  But I’m one of those people who think Caroline would be better served as a cast mate on The Originals (with the option to return to TVD, if the series went south, of course).  For starters, for the past two seasons, Caroline hasn’t had a solid plotline that didn’t involve Tyler (gone) or Klaus (also now gone).  Though her friendship with Stefan is “cute,” I don’t really see a strong character developing future for Caroline on TVD, as the series stands.

caroline cryin

Another reason, I’d like to see Caroline head off to NOLA is for the simple fact that girlfriend is GRADUATING HIGH SCHOOL.  And given her clear desire to travel, and strong appreciation for art and beauty, it seems natural that Vampire Barbie would want to head to college somewhere outside the bounds of her hometown.

3 14 caroline looks at klaus pic raqueeel duarte

Get on that pony and ride, far, far away, Caroline!

But will she take Klaus up on his offer?  Sadly, I suspect not.

American Gothic

TVD has been hemorrhaging characters, left and right, of late.  And I suspect the loss of one of its few remaining leading ladies would be too much for the show to  bear.

kids cry

But hey, you never know . . .

So, Fangbangers?  Tell me, what did you think of The Originals.  Were you relieved to see these ancient jet setters FINALLY seeking out some classier digs?  Does Sexy Marcel make for a more intriguing villain than that Identity Thief Silas?  Are you glad Gentleman Elijah has started eviscerating people again?  And yeah . . . how about that BABY?

baby simba

www.juliekushner.com    Fangirls Forever

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Filed under The Originals, The Vampire Diaries

Don’t Eat the Prom Queen! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Pictures of You”

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OMG, Fangbangers!  It’s Senior PROM TIME!  Can you believe it?  It seems like a really, really LOOONNNNG time ago only yesterday, that our scrappy Mystic Fall-ians were just innocent sophomores trying to make it through history class, without getting eaten by the broody new kid . . .

elena-stefan_medium

 

. . . or his hot older brother . . .

rawr damon

 

. . . or those 50 or so random people that all seemed to move into the town at the same time, even though no one had ever seen them before.  (Where were they living, all this time?  In an underground tomb?)

tomb vamp

TV Prom episodes  are a lot prom itself, in the sense that people tend to have REALLY high expectations for them.  They are meant to encapsulate the series’ high school experience in a way that is nostalgic, romantic . . . EPIC . . .

epic

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seth and summer prom

pacey-joey prom

prom puck funny dancing

“Pictures of You” wasn’t really that type of TV prom.  I mean, sure . . . the broad strokes were there . . . the pretty dresses . . .

Pictures of You

. . . the cast mate who got crowned prom queen . . .

Pictures of You

. . . a few sexually charged slow dances. . .

Damon and Elena Mating Dance

 

They had those past pictures of the cast appear on screen throughout the hour, which seemed designed to evoke nostalgia in the most literal sense possible . . .

2 18 jonnie dance

jer len

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Yet, I wouldn’t really describe this as a typical High School Prom Episode.  And I think that has something to do with the fact that TVD isn’t actually a high school show.

3 12 confused damon

Yes, yes, I recognize that it is technically a high school show, in the sense that the characters are supposedly of high school age.  But Mystic Falls High isn’t really a character on TVD, in the way that Capeside High, Degrassi, Constance Prep, or Neptune High were characters in their respective shows.  I suspect this has something to do with the fact that the students of Mystic Falls High never actually attend school, apart from the occasional decade dance, football game, or random gymnasium Klaus-mauling . . .

The Reckoning

And this made it difficult for me, as a viewer, to care which lucky female won the title of Prom Queen Caroline was totally robbed, by the way. , which couple shared its last romantic slow dance together, and which heretofore virginal young couple would be checking in to the hotel upstairs, for a little cherry popping action.

sex girl boy

In essence, I experienced the Mystic Falls High Prom much as Evilena did . . . which is to say, more or less, emotion-free, apart from a strong inexplicable desire to murder Bonnie Bennett . . .

bonnie kol

Now, don’t get me wrong, Fangbangers.  This is not to say that I thought “Pictures of You” was a bad episode of TVD.  It just wasn’t . . . you know . . . EPIC.

stefan shrug

Let’s review, shall we?

Burning Up for Your Love

burning bonnie

“I thought these sorts of dreams were supposed to be wet.”

In the episode’s cold open, Bonnie travels to the cemetery, inexplicably dressed in an intensely ugly Bill Cosby sweater . . .

bill cosby

cosbysweater

WHY, WARDROBE DEPARTMENT, WHY????

At this point in the series, Elena Gilbert has so many dead family members and friends, that the town has thoughtfully gone and dedicated an entire cemetery just to them . .  .

gilbert plot

2 17 shocked jenna drawthequeen

“I’m trying to Rest in Peace, but that loud sweater keeps waking me up!”

Usually it takes about a year to get a headstone on your grave.  But Jer Bear got his in about two weeks! Niiiiiiice!

badass jer

Bonnie is tearfully paying her respects, when, who should pop up, but the Man, the Myth, the Legend . . . Mini Gilbert himself!

surprised-face

mini g back from dead

OK, I’m pretty sure that wasn’t what Jeremy was wearing  when he died . . . 

dead jer 2

Now, the hoodie I vaguely remember.  But where did he get that  jacket, Dead Guys R’ Us?

Strange Fact about Dead Jer . . . he has an accent now?  Is that, like, something that happens to you in Heaven . . . you suddenly become British?  Now, I get that this isn’t really Jeremy, but, rather, Silas’ incarnation of the dead teen.  But no one else who Silas impersonated had an accent before.  So, I’m kind of confused.   Is Steven R. McQueen preparing for an upcoming role in Season 4 of Downton Abbey that I didn’t know about?

jer 1

The Grantham Estate sure could use another wood chopper . . .

Anywhoo . . . JerBear tells Bonnie to “wake up.”  At first, she assumes he’s being metaphorical.  But it turns out the request is literal, as she opens her eyes to find her couch on fire.   Stop smoking in bed, Bonnie!

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Trust me, you don’t want to die on this show.  You’re not a Gilbert, so you probably won’t get your own gravesite.  They’ll likely end up just shoving your ashes in some old shoebox, like poor Grams . . .

VDGranny

Dress You Up in My Love

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It’s PROM DAY!  And everybody is getting ready.  Actually, just Caroline and Bonnie are getting ready.  Stefan and Damon are playing with their balls, while bitching about Evilena . . .

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Lost Girls

i like balls stoner kol

And Klaus, Elijah and Rebekah are having a family meeting . . .

family meeting

“Hey, do you think they will let us take this house set with us to our Spinoff Series?”

As we all know from last week, Elijah now has The Cure.  So, being the Good and Honorable Original Vamp he is, the Most Gentlemanly Mikaelson allows Rebekah and Klaus an opportunity to explain why each deserves it over the other.  This makes Elijah kind of like King Solomon .  . . you know, apart from the whole “cut the baby in half” thing . . .

Elijah ate

“I once ate a baby.  Does that count?”

BabyScared

Though both Originals make strong cases, ultimately Rebekah wins!

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So Klaus, who has never been known for being a particularly gracious winner, tells Beks that when she dies, he will watch her suffer, and then compel her to forget him.  How precious!  I think I read that on a Hallmark card once . . .

klaus beks

I know this shouldn’t be hot, because they are related and all . . . but it kind of is . . .

However, Elijah’s offer of The Cure to Rebekah is not without strings.  In a plot conceit that reminded me a bit of the kind of thing Rumpelstiltskin would do to his bevy of gullible Disney Princesses on Once Upon a Time  . . .

rump

 . . . Elijah tells Beks that, in order to win The Cure, she has to prove that she can survive her entire Prom, without the use of any sort of vampire magic, whatsoever.  You know, kind of like the rest of us saps had to endure our proms .  . .

prom britt no date just dancin cannibalsuxx

Fortunately for Beks, her new roommate and erstwhile Fairy Godmother Evilena is there to make sure she doesn’t f*&k things up, and lose her opportunity at humanity.  Because, as we’ve all been told about 80 times this season, a human Rebekah means NO chance for a human Elena.   And that’s precisely what Evilena wants . . .

elena beks

dancing elena

There ain’t no party like a Humanity-Free Vampire Party!

In Prom Episodes, there’s always that awkward moment where Frenemies run into one another, while dress shopping.  And “Pictures of You” is no exception . . .

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Trying to eat your best friend will inevitably put a damper on any relationship . . .

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It’s becoming a bit of a running joke on this show, that, whenever Evilena covets an item of clothing of someone else’s, she will inevitably end up wearing that item of clothing . . .

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It happened with that random cheerleader’s ugly blue hair ribbon, and Katherine’s heels.  So, now, of course,  it’s going to happen with Caroline’s much beloved red prom dress . . .

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oh hell to the no

Even if that means the writers have to conveniently remove the vervain from the town water supply, in order to make it happen . . .  (Someone care to explain that one to me?  Was it Silas?)

Of course, Caroline’s loss ends up being Klaus’ gain, because it forces Vampire Barbie to come to him, seeking fashion expertise . . .

not funny

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Of course, Klaus always finds Caroline’s anger adorable, during the rare moments, when it’s not directed at him. And though it is a bit disturbing that Klaus seems to have a closet filled with women’s wear, cultivated solely for the purpose of lavishing a high schooler with gifts . . .

3 11 klaroline gift from klaus 1 loveablesins

prom to plan

I couldn’t help but be touched by the fact that the Big Bad Original Vamp was willing to take time out from his busy day of World Domination and Silas Screwing to help Caroline cope with her Fashion Crisis.  Also, that dress? SUPER HOT . . .

the dress

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As another recapper mentioned, had this been a Typical Prom Episode, we would likely have been treated to a montage, during which Caroline tried on dresses for a bemused Klaus, possibly to the tune of Pretty Woman . . .

Instead, we got a sort-of montage of Silas trying on the faces of the entire cast.  But more on that in just a bit . . .

Love the way you lie . . .

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I don’t know about your prom, but mine was characterized  by a lot of false niceness.  People who had hated one another for four years, suddenly hugged and told one another they looked fabulous.  Everybody smiled for the camera, and took pictures with people they would never have spoken to, let alone touched, otherwise.

mean girls really pretty

 Conversely, the Mystic Falls prom was pretty much characterized by everyone being an A$$HOLE . . .

just kill her

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April told Rebekah she didn’t get any votes for Prom Queen . . . NOT ONE!

loved through all beks

Matt and Elena both told Rebekah she was a terrible person, who never did anything nice, and, therefore, would make a hideous human . . .

3 9 ele beks stake the-chosen

Elena told Damon she never really loved him . . .

sexy delena 2

damon pull stake lylyord tumblr

She then admitted to Stefan that she felt nothing, while dancing with him, because she lacked any sort of heart capable of such feelings . . .

stefan-and-elena-dancing-at-prom

beating up stefan

Elena told Matt he should have turned his emotions off, back when Vicki died . . .

matt car breakdown

She told Bonnie that she was just a Brainwashed Crazy Person, who couldn’t bring Jeremy back, and was pretty much a reminder of everything bad that ever happened to Elena . . .

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

(OK, that part was kind of true.)

Back at the Klaus House, Klaus told Elijah that — even though Elijah gave Klaus the one stake that could kill him, thereby ensuring he would NEVER DIE at least not while his spinoff remained on the air and even though he is  now his Only Living Brother . . .

original respect

 . . . Klaus would still kill Elijah’s lover Katherine, pretty much just to be a dick . . .

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brother to brother elijah kill mariephantomlive

In return, Elijah basically told Klaus he was a pathetic being with no life . . .

hollow life

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klaus tums

Personally, I think honesty is overrated.  If  any of you out there are about to hurt my feelings, because you feel that I “have a right to know the truth,” know that I’d prefer Sweet Little Lies, any day, and twice on Saturday.  Thank you very much . . .

Speaking of blissful ignorance . . .

I’m Just a Killer for Your Love . . .

madly in love

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While Damon is drinking away the sorrows of (temporarily) lost love . . .

underage

drink

And Stefan and Caroline are reassuring one another that they will learn to love again, Bonnie is outside dancing with Faux Dead Jeremy, Who Now Inexplicably Has a British Accent . . .

need help

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By the way, what’s the deal with Silas always rubbing up on Bonnie?  He did it as Shane.  He’s doing it as Jeremy.  He even talks about doing it, when he’s Stefan  . . .

witch mine

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I get that Silas needs Bonnie to do his Apocalypse Spell or whatever (which, for the record, I thought was already done, after they killed those twelve witches).  But this kind of seems like more than that.  This seems like Evil Villain Puppy Love.

4 12 not puppy

I thought Silas was all about that other chick . . . you know . . . the one he’s apparently trying to die for.  But something tells me, that, when this is all over, Silas and Bonnie will have become the new Caroline and Klaus . . . just in time for Klaus to get his own show.  Just my prediction . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Anywhoo, Bonnie gets all pissed at JerBearSilas for tricking her for the umpteenth time, and starts making all the car alarms go off in the parking lot.  This, I suspect, was supposed to make her appear “dangerous,” but actually seemed like a rather helpful trick.   I HATE when I’m in a large parking lot, and I can’t find my car, because I’m too far away from it to use that clicker thingy.  With Bonnie around, that wouldn’t be a problem . . .

team bonnie its delena love

In other Lost-Lovers-Sort-of-But-Not-Really United News, Klaus gave Tyler a ten-minute reprieve from his Eternity on the Run to share a single slow dance with Caroline on Prom Night . . .

forwood

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OK, OK . . . now, I don’t want to sound like an old stick in the mud.  I’m first and foremost a Forwood Fan. So, of course, I think Caroline’s and  Tyler’s Slow Dance Reunion in her living room was lovely.  All I’m saying is that, if I only had ten minutes to spend with the Love of My Life, before he went back to an Eternity on the Run, I wouldn’t spend it wearing so many layers of clothes, if you catch my drift . . .

3 4 forwood txgirl0302

forwood wrong place 1

Am I wrong?  Speaking of wrong . . .

Love Hurts . . .

After Rebekah’s adorable dance with Matt . . .

Pictures of You

mebekah

 . . . during which she tells the male bar wench that he’s “beautifully human” (which is sweet, in a sort of backhanded way, like being told you’re “refreshingly normal” or “not bad looking”)

ordinary

 . . . her chance to be human starts to gradually slip from her fingers.  It all starts when Matt and Bonnie get crowned Prom King and Queen . . .

matt and bonnie

OK.  Let me pause for a moment.  Matt and Bonnie?  What the WHAT?

dont understand

OK, Matt as Prom King, I get.  Everybody likes Matt.  That appears to be his sole defining characteristic on this show, apart from his talent for cleaning tables, and asking people if they want fries with that .  . .

2 16 matt wtf face

But Bonnie?  Since when did Bonnie become the most popular girl in school?  Now, I’m not saying she was unpopular, per say.  It just always seemed like Caroline was the girl involved in student council, Miss Mystic Falls, cheerleading, dance committee, and all other school activities . . .

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

 . . . while Bonnie sat home and . . . lit candles with her mind.

new girl makes me hate things

When Bonnie was standing up there on that platform, part of me was expecting the pigs blood to fall down on her head, a la Stephen King’s Carrie . . .

carrie-movie-02

But, instead Bonnie just almost got eaten by Elena, and proceeded to Mind Rape her . . .

bonnie shane 2

Things start to get interesting, when Bonnie, after fighting with Elena, actually does start to do a little Stephen King Carrie homage, by making STRONG WINDS (flatulence?) blow around the dance hall.  Unfortunately, she leaves, before she can do any real damage . . .

smash

soap dish smash

My favorite part of the episode happens next . . .

make bek prom queen

should have listened

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Evilena may have no soul.  But no one can say she’s not loyal.  Think about it.  How many friends of yours would be willing to eat a chick, just because she let you down . . .

Also,  let’s face it.  Annoying April had it coming . . . and not just because she didn’t let Rebekah be Prom Queen, despite the fact that girlfriend has been waiting 1,000 YEARS to go to a prom!

april 1

April just sucks . . . plain and simple.  And she deserved to be Elena’s snack, because of it . . .

So, of course, Rebekah has to be all “good” and save her. even if it means breaking her Human for a Day pact with Elijah . . .  just because Matt told her it was the “right thing to do”. . .

Damon eye roll

vampire emergency

Things start to get a little crazy at this point.  This is because for pretty much the last ten minutes of the episode, the writers decide to have SILAS PLAY EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THE SHOW . . . It’s like a one-man production of Hamlet . . . if Hamlet was evil . . . and had magical powers.

Silas is Damon . . .

damon eternal stud

 . . . leading Stefan into the woods, before promptly staking his ass.

Silas is Stefan . . . taunting Damon about the veracity of Elena’s feelings for him, before staking his ass . . .

get to you

talked about hair

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Silas is Jeremy, for the 87th time this episode  (Jeremy seems to have more lines as a dead fake British guy, than he did when he was alive), telling Bonnie to “control her anger, and “dangerous” tendency to make wind and  set off car alarms.

But most importantly, Silas is Rebekah, when he tells Elijah she “passed his test,” and promptly steals the cure from his hot little hands . . .

you cannot beat

Oh Elijah . . . you really aren’t the smart brother, are you?

bad kol

“That’s me!  That’s me!”

Out in the parking lot, Elena tries to kill Bonnie again.  And this time, Bonnie gets REALLY pissed off about it . . . as opposed to the slightly pissed off she was, the first time . . .

fear of death

Elena (naturally) calls to Damon for help . . .

damon help me

Once the pain threatening to blow apart her skull finally stops, Elena looks at her erstwhile lover. And there’s a brief moment between them that alludes to genuine feeling between them, not just on Damon’s side, but on Elena’s as well . . .

lookingat damon

Upon seeing this, Damon and Stefan decide that the true route toward recapturing Elena’s humanity lies not in bombarding her with love, but in sex with DAMON!!! cultivating her fear of death.  I smell some hot torture scenes in our future . . .

tortured-stefan

3 3 sun torture

3 19 beks cut gypsyheartlove

We all know how much TVD enjoys those . . .

In the final scenes of the episode, Klaus obtains a cryptic message from Katherine, which sends him to his spinoff New Orleans . . .

katherine ing

 . . . while Bonnie encounters the REAL face of Silas, which is apparently disfigured, but probably only in that Sexy Ugly Way CW Stars are “disfigured.”

beast

Next week on TVD, the much-awaited backdoor pilot of The Original makes its TV debut . . .

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Are you psyched or skeptical, my dear Fangbangers?

3 14 happy screwed elijah

See you next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

3 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Katherine Pierce Project – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “American Gothic”

no idea who

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Greetings Fangbangers!  Have you ever wondered what TVD would be like, if Katherine was its leading lady, instead of Elena?  Try this premise on for size: Nina Dobrev stars as Katherine Pierce,  an “ordinary” vampire gal trying to get her life back on track, in the “wacky” small town she’s compelled to universally adore her.  But when a REALLY Old Flame re-enters her life (Daniel Gillies, as Elijah Mikaelson) . . .

katerina lover elenas eyes

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 .  . . will Katherine be willing to give up the “normal”world she’s built for herself, for a second chance at True Love?

Also starring Sookie Stackhouse as “the Wacky Best Friend” . . .

not into vampire

Regina Mills as “That Bitchy Neighbor Who USED to Control the Town, until Katherine Came Along” . . .

not happy want to

Victoria Grayson as “The Other Bitchy Neighbor” . . .

victoria grayson

Nick Miller as “The Hot Bartender / Handyman” . . .

chain yank

 . . . and Daenerys Targaryen as “That Crazy Lady Who is Always Babbling About Her Dragons” . . .

where-are-my-dragons

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Coming this Fall to NBC (because the CW doesn’t do Sitcoms . . . or shows featuring characters over the age of 25).

With a shiny new locale, and two previously-absent characters taking center stage for much of the hour . . .  

you cannot beat

ELIJAH . . . .

love youuuuu sookieverse

 .  . . this week’s pre-hiatus (Another one?  Already?) installment of TVD certainly felt like a different show.

Personally, I think it made for a nice change of pace.

happy elena

So, ease on down to Death Diner, and don’t forget to tip kill your waitress . . .

dead waitress 1

 . . . because it’s time for another TVD-cap . . .

Dark Clouds and Silver Linings

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After hours on the road, Thelma and Louise Elena and Rebekah conveniently take a rest stop at the one town that just so happens to contain Katherine Pierce.  They know they are in the right place, because Elena’s roadside snack mistakes her for Katherine, just seconds before the Big Bite . . .

compel whole town

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As I suggested in the introduction, I  love the idea of Katherine compelling an entire town to be her Happy Meals.  And I kind of wish we got to explore it further.  The way the townspeople were compelled to ONLY remember Katherine when SHE was talking to them, and not when anyone else inquired after her (as Rebekah tried to do, in the first scene)?  Absolutely brilliant!

damon approves

I was also intrigued by the fact that the supposedly stone cold Katherine appeared to be taking into account all the Bite Fetish Preferences of her various food sources.  Case in point, that one chick preferred to be bitten on the wrist, and actually appeared hurt and offended when Elena-as-Katherine seemingly ignored her wishes.

the kat always look out for myself  petrova-gifs

 That’s kind of chivalrous of Katherine, don’t you think?  Especially when you consider how many people she likely feeds from in that town, and the wide range of wacky ways on which each probably prefers to be fed.  How does she keep track of them all?  Perhaps, she keeps a list somewhere?  Or maybe even. . . A DIARY?

3 16 dear diary fearisforthewinter

“Today the mailman told me he would prefer I only feed on him, by biting him in the ass.  Too much?”

Silver Lining: Rebekah and Elena ultimately find Katherine.

kat lena

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Dark Cloud: Upon being discovered, Katherine promptly kicks Elena’s ass.  (Then again, depending on how you feel about Elena, maybe that could be construed as a silver lining too . . .)

elena no point

Also on the road, on the hunt for THE CURE . . .

cure one more time

 . . . are Stefan and Damon.

brother to brother salvatores 1864 love

Silver lining: Damon finds his precious car, which the girls abandoned on the road, in favor of a newer shinier model . . .

Rose

Dark cloud: It’s out of gas.

3 14 drive much

While refilling the tank, Damon and Stefan agree that New Elena kind of sucks ass, because she steals ugly blue ribbons from cheerleaders hair, eats people without wiping off her mouth, steals cars, and, perhaps, most importantly, won’t sleep with either of them . . .

good sexx

Silver Lining: Mutual rejection by Elena = Salvatore Brotherly Bonding, something we haven’t really seen in a while on this show.

brother to brother stefan damon

“Kiss me, you fool!”

Dark Cloud: This means that we’re going to have to wait until Damon takes another shower for us to see him naked again. 🙂

more fun naked

Silver Lining:  Damon showers more than any character on this show.

3 11 shower damon temptinglybad

wet damon 2

3 11 bamf wet damon lohan

wet damon

So, right about now, you are probably wondering what the deal is with this whole “Dark Cloud / Silver Lining thing.  Is this my new gimmick?  Is it going to replace my obsession with Surprised Monkey . . .

surprised-face

Scared Baby . . .

BabyScared

 . . . or this completely random picture of Stiles from Teen Wolf?

nodding oh yeah

No.  Honestly, I just really liked the way Stefan said “Dark Cloud” in this scene . . .

Truth: if Stefan said the words “Dark Cloud” like that in every episode, I would be much more attracted to his character than I am now . . .

stefan salvatore fist pump best

 . . . just not enough to become a Stelena fan.  Sorry.  I’m not sorry.

stefan crying gif

A Beautiful Place to Die

Meanwhile, back in Mystic Falls, Klaus has a really bad boo-boo, in a Naughty Place that he can’t scratch.

2 8 kurt ooh

Sorry ladies, I’m talking about his back . . .

boo nolan

Silver Lining: Caroline comes to his rescue, and is being all flirty with his shirtless, in pain, possibly dying, ass, by cupping his face in her hands, and giving him big pouty googly eyes.

American Gothic

klaroline lovers

Dark Cloud: Oops, did I say Caroline?  I meant Silas, who decided to make himself look like Caroline, just for sh*ts and giggles.

klaus tums

Wait . . . so this guy is a cross dresser, now?

big bang

(BTW, “Caroline” makes a much better Silas than Professor Bushyhead Dumpy Dork . . . just saying.)

3 3 caroline petrovadiaries

Back in Katherine Town, Klaus Barbie Rebekah, has come to Evilena’s rescue,  and introduces Katherine to a little ass kicking, herself.  The two hot vamps muse about what a beautiful place the town is to die.  Meh, I’ve seen much prettier places to die . . .

lost island

Everyone’s hungry.  So, the three girls take a break from their mutually assured,  oddly sexually charged ass kicking of one another, to eat some pie at the local Death Diner.  That’s such a Dude thing to do, isn’t it?  Settle your differences with fisticuffs, and then go eat immediately after, as if you all didn’t just try to kill one another . . .

laughing bek

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Doppleganger Hijinks 2: Electric Boogaloo

At Death Diner, the Search for the Cure has hit a bit of a snag.  Katherine won’t give up the goods . . .

the kat thank me brought cure

 . . . so the three girls sort of just hang around acting passive aggressive with one another, while occasionally stabbing one another with forks.

fork to kill self

Then, Elena hits pay dirt, when she notices a conveniently placed appointment on Katherine’s phone with the mysterious “EM.”

draco malfoy facepalm

Tsk, tsk Katherine.  One would have thought you’d have more creative nicknames for the dude you’re screwing than just his initials.

Anywhoo, Elena decides that she’s going to impersonate Katherine at this meeting, something I’ve been wanting her to do, since Katherine first appeared.   You see, Katherine was always actually really GOOD at playing Elena.  And it was always my secret hope that Elena would SUCK at playing Katherine, and that it would be hilarious to watch.  I wasn’t wrong.

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Kudos to Nina Dobrev for instinctively realizing that Elena is a bad actress, and using that to her best advantage.  Everything about this scene is filled with win, from Elena’s ridiculous exaggeration of Katherine’s mannerisms, to Rebekah’s acting advice “make your voice deeper . . . more mannish,” to the look on Katherine’s face, when Elena insists on taking those killer high heels.

never pass for me kat

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Back in Mystic Falls, Caroline is also suffering from a case of mistaken identity.  Klaus thinks she’s SILAS AGAIN!  He’s pouting and telling her to leave him alone, like a 10-year old, getting accosted by a bully.

stop hounding me

crying baby

Then, Caroline makes some inane comment about prom committee, and Klaus realizes that this type of shallow, single-mindedness just can’t be faked.  HIS LADY LOVE IS HERE TO RESCUE HIM!  HOORAY!

prom to plan

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Back in K-Town, Elena meets Katherine’s “friend.”  SURPRISE!  Not really.  It’s Elijah.

stud lijah

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Bigger surprise?  He starts eating “Katherine’s” face.  And DAMN is he a good kisser!

em makeout

Once again, I’m wishing I was watching the Katherine Show, so we could see what these two are like between the sheets.  I’m thinking it would be pretty torrid!

sex girl boy

Reading the message boards, I notice that quite a few people were bothered by this development . . . specifically, the way it “tarnished” the image of Elijah as the consummate gentleman, the “smart brother,” in the words of Rebekah, i.e. the only male character on this show immune to sexual manipulation by girls who look like Nina Dobrev.

elijah wont show

(For the record, while Elijah is still my favorite Original, flaws and all, I’m pretty sure the title of “Smart Brother,” should go to Kol.  No fawning over teenagers for that guy!  Then again, I guess being smart didn’t do him much good, in the long run, considering he spent more time in a coffin than any of his siblings.)

burning kol

I certainly understand that sentiment, and felt the same way to an extent.  And yet, the new knowledge that Elijah occasionally thinks with his weiner . . .

boys all same

 . . . does make him seem more three-dimensional and real.  And this “character veracity” will be important, once the character is carrying his own series.

brothertobrother elijah honor in revenge

But back to that kiss.  To Elijah’s credit, he knows enough about tonguing Katherine to determine when he isn’t doing it.  And this is one of those times.  Ruh-roh, Evilena!

Hide and Seek

Back at Death Diner, the Salvatore Brothers join Katherine and Beks at their table.  “There goes the neighborhood,” indeed!  In the course of a single episode, what was once a One-Vampire Town is slowly becoming . . . well . . . Mystic Falls!

Katherine glibly reveals that she basically set up Elena to get murdered by her “friend” Elijah, and all but sky writes that her and the Original Vamp are currently doing the Horizontal Mambo, on a regular basis.

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 Salvatore Squared and Rebekah pretend to be disgusted by this.  But we all know they are secretly turned on / jealous.  Well . . . except for maybe Rebekah, who really shouldn’t be thinking about her big brother that way . . .

3 9 ele beks stake the-chosen

After some maneuvering, the group decides to split up, with Katherine grudgingly leading Damon and Beks to THE CURE, while Stefan copes with the Evilena Hostage situation.  Clearly, Stefan got the better end of the deal, since his “problem” was solved with a simple phone call.

“Don’t kill my version of Nina Dobrev, and I won’t kill yours,” Elijah offers, more or less.

stefan shrug

Elsewhere in K-Town, Katherine takes Beks and Damon to a house she claims is hers, though it’s pretty obvious she either killed its original occupants, or compelled them to give it to her.  She did, however, have time to put her own touches on the place . . . like have an empty fishtank filled with vervain water installed right in the middle of the living room.  Classy!

singing-fish-singing

“What a waste of a good tank!”

(By the way, remember back in Season 1, when vervain was this rare-hard-to-find plant that Uncle Salvatore was growing in small quantities in his basement?  Now, apparently the Mayor of Mystic Falls has enough to taint the ENTIRE town’s water supply.  And Katherine manages to get herself an entire tank full in East Bumblef*ck, PA.  What gives?)

So, Damon is reasoning out loud all of the different places Katherine would be most likely to hide the cure in her home.  And at this point, I’m literally screaming at my television.  “It’s in the SOAPDISH! CHECK THE SOAPDISH!”

soap dish smash

But instead, Damon checks the fish tank.  So, this happens . . .

fish tank

Should have gone with the soapdish.  That’s all I’m saying . . .

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

To Damon’s credit, there is SOMETHING in that fish tank that looks suspiciously cure-shaped.  Katherine ends up giving it Beks before bolting.

Then Beks holds the little bottle aloft, doing an excellent impression of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings . . .

my precious

“My precious!”

cureee

 . . . before downing that red goo like it’s a jello shot she’s just been given by the character James Franco plays in Spring Breakers . . .

time to experiment

Stefan runs in just in time to say, “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” for the second time in two episodes.  But to no avail.

surprised face stefan

Glug, glug, Beks drinks the cure and promptly passes out (because everyone knows that James Franco’s character in Spring Breakers roofies all his jello shots).

When Beks wakes up she’s super excited about the whole “being average” thing.  She feels FREE!  She feels ALIVE!  She feels like getting knocked up, and popping out puppies, ASAP!  She feels . . .

havent lived

 . . . like getting a stake thrown at her head by Damon?

And just when you think this will be the shortest Cured Vampire Life Ever, Beks catches the stake with her hand, and her wound immediately heals.

Human?  Not so much . . .

Sorry Beks, it looks like you just got yourself Katherine-d . . .

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Also finding fake stuff?  Caroline, who’s digging inside the blood, guts and goo of Klaus’ back, like he’s a turkey she’s stuffing.

bloody rib

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(I bet Klaus wished she was really “stuffing” him, if you know what I mean.)

klaroline

This whole vampire bloodline conceit actually works well in this case, because it makes Klaus a “Special Snowflake,” just like Elena used to be . . . only this time it’s actually for a good reason.  Elena is a Special Snowflake, because if she croaks, the Salvatores will never get to bone her again.

bored now elena

Klaus is a special snowflake, because if HE dies, the Salvatore Brothers won’t be able to bone ANYBODY ever again, because they will die too . . . and so will Katherine . . . and Tyler . . . and Caroline . . . and Elena.  Because Klaus is pretty much indirectly responsible for the vampirization of the entire cast.