Tag Archives: 1.11

High Voltage, Higher Octane – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season Finale, Part I “Formality”

AUNTIE KATE:  “Come on, Werewolf!  Show me your teeth . .  . like in the Lady Gaga song!”

ALLISON:  “Really Kate?   You’ve got this hot specimen of man meat in front of you, and HIS MOUTH is the first thing you want to unzip pop open?  Are you sure we’re really related?”

How’s it hanging, Werebangers?  This is sure shaping up to be one heck of a season finale, isn’t it?  After weeks of speculation, and analysis, the Teen Wolf writers FINALLY seem to be giving us answers to the burning questions we’ve been asking ourselves all season.

And what better backrop for those jawdropping reveals than a High School Dance?  (Well, in truth, some of those reveals came about in a vet’s office, a mall, a warehouse torture chamber, a football field, inside a bus, and in the creepy forest, but still . . .)

So, ramp up your car to 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone, let the Alpha help you pick out your pretty little dress, and give your gay best friend a big manly hug, because it’s time to get this recap started . . .

(Once again, a big round of wolfy applause to my pal Andre, for the spectacular screencaps you see here.  I couldn’t have done it without you, Mister!)

Rattling the Cages  . . .

“Sorry about the chains, and the electric shocks, Derek.  These days, this is the only way I can get men to sleep with me.” 

“Formality” begins right where “Co-Captain” left off (well, actually, it begins a few hours after that time, but Allison conveniently “flashes back” for us, to fill in the blanks).  As a tearful Allison is cruising through Beacon Hills in the rain . . .

“Does this camera angle make my face look fat?”

. . . she recalls Auntie Kate using poor Wolfed-Out (and deliciously shirtless) Derek as a science experiment in electrical conduction . . .

How dry I am.  How wet, I’ll be.  If I don’t find . . . the bathroom key . . .” 

We see a Crazy-Eyed Auntie Kate gleefully describing the Family Business, as Allison looks on in disgust and horror.  Auntie Kate clearly never took a marketing class, because she SUCKS at selling her niece on the job of werewolf hunting.  For example, coldly telling Allison that she sees Derek as nothing more than an animal, is a REALLY stupid thing to say to Allison . . . the girl who rescued a stray dog she accidentally hit with her car . . . a girl who wrote Peta about her father’s “accidental shooting” of a mountain lion.  Allison is CLEARLY an animal lover . . . just ask Scott . . .

Bestiality?

Auntie Kate’s tactics of persuasion improve slightly, when she plays the “I can make you feel strong and powerful,” card, and the “Your parents thought you were too immature and weak to know about this, but I think you can handle it.  Because I believe in you,” card.

These statements make Allison at least a little bit intrigued about what happens next.  “So, what do I do now?” She inquires.  “Go to the dance, and act like a  normal teenage girl.  Because after that .  . you are going to help me catch the Second Beta.”

Wait . . . the Second Beta?  But that’s Scott!

UH OH!  I smell trouble . . . 

If at First You Get a Speeding Ticket, Cry, Cry Again . . .

“I swear, Officer.  I haven’t been drinking.  It’s just that I have this werewolf in my basement, being electrocuted, as we speak.  Surely, you understand.” 

Back in “Present Day,” Allison is out on the road in the rain, having a Mini Meltdown over the information she just received, when Papa Stiles pulls her over for going 75 in a 25 mph Construction Zone IN THE RAIN.  The fact that Allison is bawling her eyes out, and having a major mental meltdown, right there in the car, clearly gives Papa Stiles a hard-on softens Papa Stiles’ heart, while keeping her from getting the speeding ticket she SO richly deserves right now.

“I also think she’s kind of sexy.  Shhhh.  Don’t tell Stiles.” 

I’d be lying if I said that I haven’t tried this particular method of “Speeding Ticket” evasion.  After all, what good is being a member of the “fairer sex,” if you can’t use that fact to your advantage, somehow?  And yes, it works . . . just in case you happened to be curious . . . it works like a charm.

Coincidentally, so does THIS . . . not that I would know from personal experience. 

Allison starts nuttily babbling on about how she’s “not like this,” and that she’s “strong,” and “should definitely get a ticket.”  By the time Allison is done with Poor Papa Stiles, he barely remembers his own name, let alone Allison’s specific infraction(s).  In fact, Allison’s SO DAMN GOOD AT THIS, that she somehow manages to get Papa Stiles to BEG her not to have to give her a ticket.  Now, THAT’s what I’m talking about!  Way to go, Allison!

“I know . . . I’m awesome.”

With Papa Stiles out of earshot, a mask of calm falls over Allison’s face, and a nefarious glint appears in her eye.  “I’m OK,” she says to herself, and as if to prove it, we get to see her SHOOT AN ARROW UP POOR DEREK HALE’S NOSE . . . well, at least the artist-sketched poster picture of his nose.

“She shoots . . .” 

“. . .  she SCORES!” 

(That’s NOT cool, Allison.  I don’t think we can be friends, anymore.)

Meanwhile, Scott is shirtless (SURPRISE!), and still being felt up by That Veterinarian Everyone Used to Think Was the Alpha . . .

Beware of Alpha’s carrying wooden desks . . .

VET:  “You’re obviously feeling lightheaded, from all the bloodloss.  You should lie back down, and take off your pants.   You will feel better.”

SCOTT: “What does taking off my pants have to do with it?”

VET:  “Well, that would make ME feel better . . .” 

Our first big reveal of the hour happens in Scott’s pants inside the vets office, where Uncle Alpha has come looking to “pick up” some precious shirtless cargo.

Uncle Alpha’s inquiry seems consistent with those viewers who assumed that the vet was in league with the Big Bad Werewolf, and somehow, doing his bidding.  However, the vet’s response to Uncle Alpha smashes THAT theory to bits.  Rising to eye-level with the Beast, Vet Man fixes his steely gaze on the villain, and tells him, in no uncertain terms that he will NOT deliver Scott to him.

*sings* “I’m sorry that you . . . seem to be confused . . . he belongs to me . . . THE BOY IS MINE!” 

Uncle Alpha then attempts to threaten Vet Man, by showing some claw.  However, Vet Man is two steps ahead of him.  Apparently, the gate between the entrance way and Vet Man’s office is either made with, or been covered by, “mountain ash,” which keeps werewolves in their human form.  Nice move, Vet Dude!

Of course, the absolute COOLEST part of the scene comes when Uncle Alpha lifts up a desk, and THROWS it right at the vet’s stomach, only to find that his body can perfectly deflect the impact, a la Superman!

He has a stomach of steel . . . he neuters your pets., with a single pluck . . . they won’t even feel it, when he shoots them in the ass with a rabies shot.  He’s . . . VET MAN!

“Rats!  Foiled Again!”

In case you’ve been counting, that’s Vet Man: 3, Alpha: 0.   Three strikes, and your OUT!  Don’t let the door hit you, where the Good Lord split you . . .  Of course, Uncle Alpha has a few choice words for Scott, before he leaves the vets office for good.  Uncle Alpha wants his pack minion to know that if he doesn’t straighten up, and fly right, the Alpha will . . . wait for it . . . KILL ALLISON!

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOO . . . wait . . . why am I still holding his key?” 

Later, back at Scott’s house . . .

Well, Well, Well . . .  Look Who’s FINALLY decided to play hero . . .

“This sounds like a job for . . . NON DOUCHEY SCOTT!”

Oh, Scottiepoo!  For 10 episodes, you’ve pretty much walked around with your head up your ass . . . ignoring your wolfy responsibilities, while your smarter (Stiles) and hotter stronger (Derek) friends, did your dirty work for you.

Now, all the sudden, the finale is here, and you realize that, if you want to make your character likeable for Season 2, he’s going to have to stop thinking about how to please his weiner all the time, and START kicking ass, and taking names . . .

“Hi, my name is Scott.  What’s yours?” 

In this scene we find Scott and Stiles searching in vain for Scott’s ever-elusive cell phone.  (Dude!  The things been taken from you and/or broken about twelve times since the series began.  It’s time to cut your losses, and invest in an iPhone.  Or better yet, just HOWL.  Trust me, your friends (all two of them) will hear you!

SCOTT:  “Allison?  Are you down here?”

STILES:  “I thought you were looking for your phone?”

SCOTT: “Yeah, but it’s been about 30 seconds since I said the word ‘Allison.’  I’m starting to go through withdrawal symptoms.”

Scott frantically tells Stiles that they have to find and rescue Derek.  In an intriguing reversal of roles, it is now the normally self-sacrificing Stiles who instructs Scott to just let Poor Derek rot away in that hunter warehouse (or should I say were-house).  Stiles reminds Scott that, just last week, Derek seemed pretty intent on killing BOTH Jackson and Scott.  However, I think the REAL reason Stiles doesn’t want Derek rescued, is that he’s jealous because Danny finds “Miguel” more attractive than Stiles of Derek’s hot abs.  (OK . . . no . . . I don’t ACTUALLY think that.  But, whatever . . .)

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(That lame joke was just an excuse to use this GIF again . . .Oh, and while we’re at it . . .)

Sorry . . . I just couldn’t resist.

Scott, who is “connected” to Derek, through the whole “Pack Thing,” explains to Stiles that Derek wasn’t REALLY trying to kill anybody.  Rather, he was attempting to protect Scott, and, by extension, Jackson, from both the Hunters, and the Alpha.  Outside, Scott overhears his mother in her car leaving a rather clingy stalkerish message on Alpha’s answering machine.

“Hi Uncle Alpha.  This is Desperation calling.  Please arrange another date with me, or I will be forced to do naughty things with my son’s lacrosse stick.” 

Geez!  Given how creepy and cold the Alpha seemed on the “couple’s” first date, Mommy McCall must be REAL hard up for some loving to want a little Alpha in her!  And, perhaps because she realizes that this, is in fact, the case, she proceeds to burst into tears.

(What .  . . is there a “crying in cars” theme to this week’s episode, about which I am unaware?)

Stiles instructs Scott that he can’t protect ANYONE, because he’s pretty much a selfish turd, who only cares about keeping Allison safe, and can give two figs about anyone else everyone.

“I have to,” says Scott “bravely.”

Is Scott’s new foray into Superhero-dom too little, too late?  Only time will tell . . .

Meanwhile, back in Auntie Kate’s Torture Chamber / Were-house / S&M Pleasure Dome . . .

“Is that your tongue on my stomach, or are you just happy to see me?”

OH Derek, you can ravage me with those, “I want to murder you, in your sleep” eyes ANYDAY (and twice on Sunday!) . . .

The episode’s second big reveal, happens during the S&M Scene between Derek and Kate.  More and more, each week, Auntie Kate seems to prove what a ridiculously evil nutball she actually is . . .  Now we see her holding Derek’s New York drivers license to his face, and telling him to smile more.   (I don’t know, Auntie Kate.  I kind of prefer my Derek mad and pouty, thank you very much!)

By the way, can anyone make out the Birth Year on Derek’s license?  I’m guessing it’s either 86, 88, or 89 . . . 

When Derek remarks that he would very much like to kick Auntie Kate in the face, the wackadoodle somehow interprets this as a COME ON.

All the sudden, Auntie Kate wants to reminisce about all the “Fun Times” she and Derek had together.  “You mean when you burned down my house, and killed my entire family?”  Derek asks angrily.

“I was thinking more of the really hot, and crazy sex we used to have!”  Kate responds.

That’s right, Werebangers!  As many of us suspected, Kate and Derek used to do the DEED together, back in the day.  What we DIDN’T know was that, much like with the Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher, Kate played Derek (who must have been underage at the time) like a fiddle, to get what she wanted from him namely, to have her brains f*&ked out of her :  information as to the whereabouts of the rest of his were family.  So now, not only does Derek feel responsible for his own family’s demise, and the rise of Uncle Alpha.  He’s also suffering from a Broken Heart.  I mean, he actually fell in love with this Crazy B*tch!

(By the way, Vampire Diaries’ fans, does this scenario REMIND you of anybody, in particular?)

“Kiss me, or kill me, Damon.  Which will it be?” 

(Special thanks to East Coast Captain, for this parallel.  Though HE used Stefan and Katherine in HIS example . . .)

Having been given this information, I now feel like I have so much more insight into Derek’s character, and why he is the way he is: i.e. uncommonly broody, unsmiling, not particularly trusting of others, and, perhaps, most importantly, perpetually single, despite looking like THIS . . .

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Another aspect of Derek’s character that makes a lot more sense now, is his broken-record insistence that Scott break all ties with Allison.  Contrary to popular belief, he’s not saying those things to be a cockblock!  He simply doesn’t want Scott to make the same mistakes that HE DID, by giving his trust, and his heart to a Were-Hunter, only to eventually have both irretrievably ripped from his chest!

Unfortunately, just as us Werebangers are putting the puzzle pieces together, so is Auntie Kate.  And it is by using the above-reference that KATE finally figures out that the second Beta is not Jackson at all, but, rather Scott.

Uh Oh . . .

Before our brains can fully process all the information we’ve just been given, those PERVS over in the Teen Wolf writing department treat us to the sexiest, raunchiest, and arguably most disturbing example of foreplay, I’ve seen in a while.  I mean, I definitely needed a cold shower after watching this, both to water down my raging hormones, and to wash that dirty feeling off of me.

In the scene, Auntie Kate decides to torture a handcuffed, electroshocked, sweaty and shirtless Derek (who, thankfully, is back in his sexy human form), by licking his stomach, starting in the crotch area, and slowly working her way up to his neck.

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Tyler Hoechlin plays the scene brilliantly, as someone who’s overcome with hatred for his torturer, but who can’t help but become aroused by what she’s doing to him, and the memory it undoubtedly evokes in both his psyche and his . . . um . . . yahoo place. 🙂

Derek’s fangs come out, in the werewolf (and vampire form of an erection), as he bucks and grunts, tears filling his eyes, trying to keep his body from having its natural response to being licked.  His face turns down toward the Evil Auntie Kate, and he has to fight the urge to kiss her, with all his might.   The humilation and emasculation he is undoubtedly feeling in this very moment, is far worse than any physical pain Auntie Kate can inflict on Derek.  And, of course, PHYSICAL PAIN is about to become an issue, as well . . .

Once Auntie Kate has had her way with Derek, she sicks Mr. Clean, “The Enforcer” on his ass . . .

Speaking of pain, ever since he and Allison have “broken up,” Creeper Scott has apparently taken to sitting on her roof, and watching her sleep.  Now, if you asked him about this, he’d probably say he’s just “keeping her safe.”  But really, he’s just being icky.  Seeing him there, I also couldn’t help but wonder whether Allison’s Wet Scott Dreams were more based in reality than I had initially thought.

Nevertheless, when Scott dozed off, and fell off the roof, I left my ass off, because dude DESERVED IT, BIG TIME, as far as I was concerned.

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I mean, I don’t care how attracted I am to a person, I REALLY don’t want them watching me sleep from my window.  It’s probably not a pretty sight . . .

Also, HOW THE HECK do Allison’s parents NOT KNOW that there’s a DUDE ON THEIR ROOF, EVERY NIGHT?  Hunters FAIL!

“DO IT, for Allison!”

We are treated to yet another locker room scene in this episode . . .

Unfortunately, this time, everyone seems to be wearing a disappointing amount of clothing . . .

During this scene, Coach Cupcake confirms our suspicions that Scott is a Mental Midget, because he’s failing two classes, and doing fairly lousy in all his other ones.  Normally, coaches pad good athletes grades to make sure they don’t flunk out bad grades like Scott’s would spell an end to his lacrosse career.  However, Coach Cupcake has brokered a compromise:  Scott can stay on the team, provided he misses the school dance.  Really?  THAT’S A COMPROMISE?  Sounds like Scott got off kind of easy to me.

“I concur!” 

Of course, to Scott, the idea of not being able to use the school dance as an opportunity to get back inside the Argent pantalones is a fate worse than DEATH!  Worried for Allison’s safety from a hungry vengeance-seeking Alpha, Scott approaches Jackson, and asks HIM to take Allison to the dance in his place.

“What’s the matter, Jackson?  Got a bad case of deja vu?”

My first thought, of course, was, Why not just ask Stiles to do it?  After all, he is ALWAYS RIGHT!

 

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Well . . . we’ll see why he didn’t, later. 😉

I suspect one of the purposes of this episode was to make Jackson seem as patently unlikeable as possible.  Otherwise, I’m a bit confused by his reaction to this request.  I mean, I get that Jackson was only seducing Allison to get under Scott’s skin.  But, really . . . Jackson is a heterosexual (maybe?) teenage boy, and Allison’s a HOT GIRL, who’s not a total b*tch.  Plus, he genuinely did seem to like her, at least as a friend, during some of the earlier episodes.

And yet, by the way Jackson reacted to Scott’s request, you would think he was asking him to insert a claw down his throat . . . oh wait . . . he already did that. 😉

In fact, Scott actually has to WOLF OUT on Jackson to get him to agree to take Allison to the dance.  Weird . . .

The scene ends with a Bromantic Stiles and Scott moment, in which Stiles eagerly agrees to help the poverty striken Scott somehow find clothing and a ride to a dance he’s not allowed to attend, even though there will be lots of people there who would like to see him dead.  All together now: Maybe Jackson had a point, when he said that these two should screw eachother AWWWW!

Thank you Macy’s, for your SUPER SUBTLE Product Placement . . .

After last week, when Allison not-so-subtly threatened Lydia with her archery skills, and massive weapons arsenal, the stuffy red head decided she better do something to get herself back into Allison’s good graces, after making out with her “ex” boyfriend, and FAST.  Lydia’s solution: buy Allison a dress for the school dance.

Sounds like a pretty good apology, right?  But Allison wants MORE.  She wants Lydia to change her date to the formal from Random Extra Dude to This GUY! (YIPPEE)

It’s interesting that Lydia doesn’t make any mention at all of the fact that Allison is attending the dance with HER ex-boyfriend, who she is clearly not yet over.  I mean, on one hand, her previous actions, put her not really in the place to say anything.  On the other hand, wouldn’t THIS already make them even, without the dress and the date change.  Not that I’m complaining, of course.  As you know, I love me some Liles (Stydia?).

Somehow, Allison finds herself separated from Lydia and Stiles.  So, of course, the minute she’s alone, a leering Uncle Alpha makes his appearance.   (Honestly, this part was kind of lame.  I mean, even if Scott and the rest of the Scooby Gang DIDN’T find Allison, Uncle Alpha REALLY wasn’t going to be able to do her any harm, in this crowded of a place.  Then again, maybe he was just doing this to prove a point.  More on that later . . .)

By the way, WHAT THE HECK IS UP WITH UNCLE ALPHA’S HAIR? 

Anywhoo, apparently, Uncle Alpha is the Tim Gunn of Teen Wolf, because he had all these random fashion tips for Allison about what dress would best suit her coloring.

“Make it work, Allison!” 

Uncle Alpha can be pretty darn persuasive, when he wants to be (even without wolf pack mind control powers).  And Allison ultimately selects the silver dress the costume department Uncle Alpha chose for her, instead of the darker colored one she had originally chosen.  Oddly enough, Lydia goes with a silvery dress too, which you would think she would avoid at all costs, so as not to look like she had coordinated dresses with Allison, but . . . whatever.

Long story short, Scott sees Uncle Alpha making a move on his girl, and just like he did with his mom before him, Scott stages a distraction, in the form of having her car towed, to get her out of harms way.  Uncle Alpha repeats that he is impressed with Scott’s “dedication to the cause.”  However, he reminds Scottipoo that “he can’t be everywhere all the time.”  As I suggested in an earlier paragraph, I’m pretty sure that Uncle A’s accosting Allison in the mall, was meant more to prove the above point, than to do anything more harmful to her person.

“Go out and get yourself laid, Son!  (At least ONE person in this family should be getting some.)

“Well, at least it’s easy access.” 

Back at the McCall crib, Scott has found himself a natty, ill-shapen ripped up suit to wear to the dance.  Mama McCall (who never offered to buy her son a suit) makes up for this infraction, somewhat, by offering to sew up this ugly one for him.  While she does this, she wonders out loud why Scott didn’t just find another dance partner, after Allison dumped his ass.  (Of course, Mommy McCall has NO idea that Scott isn’t allowed to be attending the dance AT ALL, let alone with a DATE.)

In a scene that was equal parts sweet, nauseating, and WAY TOO LONG for my taste, Mommy encourages Scotty Dearest to tell Allison that he loves her, before it’s too late.  Yes, Mommy McCall, because HIGH SCHOOL is all about finding “The One.”  Drunken flings, and random hook-ups, be DAMNED!  That being said, I very much approved of Mommy McCall telling her son not to be a dumbass.  Truer words were never spoken.

Good Ole, Danny!  (He’s one of the Best Looking Plot Devices I’ve Ever Seen . . .)

I’ve shown it once before, but it bears repeating . . . 

Outside in the parking lot, Jackson is in his car, drinking from a flask, because apparently he needs to be wasted to go to a dance with a hottie like Allison.  (Seriously, what the f*&k is wrong with this douchebag?  What the writers are doing with this character is stretching the realms of believeability . . .)  Realizing that Jackson’s going to be about as much fun as root canal, Allison steps out of the car, and smiles broadly, when she sees Scott running across the roof of the school.  And suddenly all the lame, random, plot driven reasons why she dumped him are all is forgiven, between them.  After all, it could be worse, she could be dating JACKSON.

Somebody who WANTS to be dating Jackson very badly is Lydia, who seems more than a bit distracted when the goofy but adorable Stiles, opens the passenger side door of his jeep, allowing her to practically fall out of it.  When Jackson all but ignores Lydia in the parking lot, she is crushed.  Fortunately, sweetheart Stiles is there to tell her how pretty she looks in her Allison look-alike dress . . .

At the dance, an awesome song is playing that I will be downloading onto my iPod, as soon as I finish writing this recap, thank you very much!  It is called “Just a Little Bit,” by Kids of 88, and it’s pretty awesome.

Scott enters the dance, only to find himself cornered by BOTH Coach Cupcake, and Uncle Alpha at the SAME TIME.  (OK, who the f*&k let Uncle Alpha into the dance?  Because that’s the oldest looking 16-year old I’ve ever seen!)

Guess he didn’t like that, huh? 

I  usually make fun of Scott’s idiocy, but I have to say, that his impromptu “dance with Danny,” in order to prevent Coach Cupcake from publicly kicking him out of the dance  (He would have looked like a total homophobe, and probably got sued, or fired, if he did.) was pretty inspired thinking.

“May I cut in?” 

And, of course, once again, Danny gets used and abused as the Gay Plot Device.  Here’s hoping Ole Danny Boy gets some storylines of his own, next season, because he seems pretty cool.  (And so does his hot boyfriend, for that matter. . . )

Dance Until You Die?

Since neither Jackson nor Lydia seem interested in dancing, both Allison and Stiles must engage in a little creative persuasion to get their respective dates onto the dance floor.  My favorite of the two, not surprisingly, was Stiles, who was TOTALLY channeling early Season 1 Seth Cohen, when he told Lydia to “get off her cute little ass and dance with him,” since he “had a crush on her since the third grade,” and “is the only one who knows how truly smart she is.”

As if all that wasn’t adorable enough, Stiles tells Lydia that he suspects she will get  a Nobel Prize for solving some complex Mathematical Equation.  And she corrects him, by noting that she will be getting a Fields Price, not a Nobel.  The two slow dance together, for a while.  And Lydia, actually seems fairly into it, with her head tucked carefully into the crook of the not-so-tall Stiles’ neck.

Unfortunately, Lydia can’t help but notice that Jackson has wandered off.  Stiles senses her concerns and agrees to accompany her, while she searches for him, to make sure he’s OK.

It’s actually kind of sad, because Lydia does TRULY seem to love and care about Jackson.  However, he’s way too shallow, and into himself, to ever genuinely return those feelings.  Once again, Team Liles for Season 2!  (Assuming Lydia makes it there alive.)

While the rest of the gang is outside, doing productive things, Scott and Allison are dancing close together.  He finally admits that he loves her, and, blah, blah, blah lkjfslkjfsldkfjs;lkj . . . that was my head hitting the keyboard, because I just fell asleep typing these last two sentences . . .

Scott tries to talk to Allison about the whole Werewolf & Werehunter / Romewolf & Juliet Thing, but Allison, who is determined to enjoy her last few hours as a “normal teenage girl” (whatever that is), doesn’t really want to hear it . . .

Out in the creepy forest, a drunken Jackson weebles and wobbles (but doesn’t fall down).  In the distance he sees two familiar red orbs, that he assumes are the eyes of the Alpha.

 “I SEE YOU!”

In a truly pathetic moment, Jackson prostrates himself on the ground, begging the Alpha to “Become like [him].”  (By the way, was anybody else hoping he’d get EATEN in this scene?  Because I sure was!)

“BITE ME!” 

Alas, the red orbs didn’t come from a hungry Alpha ready to eat Jackson, they were from the Papa Argent and his hunter’s infrared flashlights.  “I’m sorry.  I can’t give you what you want,” Papa Argent tells a sniveling Jackson.  “But maybe you can help me.”

“You should have seen what a moron you looked like out there.  That was HILARIOUS!” 

Within minutes, Jackson sings like a canary, giving Scott up as the second Beta.  (Of course, Auntie Kate figured this out HOURS ago.  However, apparently she has been keeping her S&M games with Derek a secret from the rest of the Hunters, and they have NO idea, where she is, or what she is up to . . .)

Elsewhere, Lydia rushes to the football field in search of Jackson, but finds Uncle Alpha, and his razor sharp teeth, instead.  Stiles screams for her to run, but it is too late.

She is bitten . . . A LOT, and falls unconscious.

“What are you talking about Stiles?  There’s nobody behind me!” 

“Oops.”

Uncle Alpha promises not to kill her (though from the looks of next week’s promo, he may have already . . . unless she’s been TURNED), provided Stiles inform him where Derek is.  Stiles, honestly, has no clue where Sexy McWolf is hiding.  However, he cleverly reasons, that Derek knew he would be captured at La Casa de Old and Decrepit, which was why he stole Scott’s cell phone.  Since all cell phones have GPS, Uncle Alpha can use this feature to track Derek to the hunters lair, which, of course, is EXACTLY what Auntie Kate wants . . . aside from more Derek lollipop licks, of course.

If This Bus is a Rockin’ . . .

Elsewhere, Scott and Allison have stopped dancing.  And Allison gets the SUPER TACKY idea that Scott should screw her on a school bus . . . nevermind that some dude DIED ON THERE, a few weeks back.  School buses are ROMANTIC!  What with those super comfy green seats, and the omnipresent smell of teenage body odor, intermingled with rotten lunch?  Who wouldn’t want to bone on a school bus?


Anywhoo, Allison rushes onto the bus, and motions for Scott to follow.  But, just when he is about to do so,  Papa Argent and the other hunters come at him, in their cars at full speed from all sides.

“Go Speed Argent, GO!” 

Scott has nowhere to run, and Allison is certain that he will be squished like a bug.

SQUISH

Instead, he jumps on top of the cars, wolfing out right in front of Allison for the first time, just as Papa Argent suspected he would.  Allison looks horrified.

Wolf Scott looks sad.

“To Be Continued” appears on the screen . . .

Oh the humanity of cliffhangers!

Next week’s trailer promises a major death, and a major werewolf transformation.  Personally, I would LOVE to see Lydia turn werewolf.  Because wouldn’t that just TOTALLY dust Jackson’s doilies? 

“Wahhh!  Why couldn’t it be MEEEEEE?”

Also, I REALLY don’t want her to die, because I’m eager to see how her relationship with Stiles plays out in Season 2 . . . 😉

As for major deaths, my money is on either Papa Argent or Auntie Kate.  Jackson is a possibility too, of course, but that might slice the “young cast” down too much for fans’ taste.  And besides, we wouldn’t get to see nearly as much of Danny, if his best friend croaked, now would we?’

(Plus, then we would never be able to answer the burning question of whether he finds Stiles attractive!)

So, now I turn the proverbial microphone over to you, Werebangers!  What did you think of “Formality?”  Was it everything you wanted it to be?  What’s on your wish list for Part II?  And who are  your choices to win the awards for Newest Werewolf and Deadest Cast Member, respectively.  Sound off in the comment section, if you DARE!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Creepy Boys and Their Creepy Toys – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Premiere “Moments Later”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Tonight, Pretty Little Liars  kicked off the second half of its first season, with some genuinely shocking plot twists, an “outing,” a surprise wedding, and enough new suspects to fill Hanna’s perpetually too crowded hospital room.  (Seriously!  Talk about LAX SECURITY!  I half expected Deputy Douchey — who was strangely absent this week —  to peek out from under Hanna’s bed, wearing nothing but a towel, and that smug expression that comes from being the WORST DETECTIVE ON THE PLANET.)

“Hey Hanna, I know YOU were really driving the car that ran you over!  Don’t lie to me!”

And as for who “A” is . . . well, I don’t know about you, but my money is on that Creepy Teddy Bear the camera kept randomly focusing in on, at completely awkward moments.

That silly Chucky doll’s got nothing on Teddy Bear Bundy!

But, before I get started on the proper recap, can I just get one thing out of the way?

Mean Girls 2:  Electric Boogaloo?  What . . . the . . . hell?  I thought they ran these b*tches over with a bus, at the end of the first movie?

OK . . . I feel better now.  On to the recap . . .

Scenes from a Car Crash . . .

“Sheesh!  Having your daughter get run over by a car requires a whole lot of emotion!  It kind of makes me wish I eased up on all those Merry Christmas Botox treatments.  Do I look upset?  Because I’m going for an ‘upset’ look, here . . .”

It’s super appropriate that the mid-season premiere episode of Pretty Little Liars was entitled “Moments Later,” because it literally began just moments after the summer season finale left off.  (And yet, during those “moments,” all the male characters seem to have completely grown out their hair.   Weird . . .)

(That’s Seth Cohen, in case you were curious . . .)

Hanna has just been run over by a car at Mona’s lame party, to which Hanna was not invited (Worst punishment for party crashing EVER!).

She is being taken away by an ambulence, having been knocked unconscious, and rendered completely immobile . . .

Aria glances at all the shocked onlookers, and spies Bushy Eyebrows Noel.

(who’s hair has been cut, and who’s eyebrows are slightly less bushy than before)

However, her loverboy Fitzy (who she was majorly macking with in the car, just seconds earlier) is seemingly no where to be found . . .

“Sayonara SUCKAS!”

Meanwhile, Hanna’s formerly cash-strapped Mommy Dearest is guiltily driving back home, after stealing a whole wad of cash that was conveniently left in a bank safe deposit box where she works, by a little old lady.  When the cops stop her, she fears the jig is up.  She’ll be locked up FOR LIFE!  And those orange jumpsuits are going to clash with her haircolor, something FIERCE!

But no . . . the cops simply want to warn her about that whole pesky “your daughter has been in a near fatal accident” thing .  . .

“PHEW . . . oops . . . I mean . . . OH NO, I sure hope my daughter is OK! (Was that convincing?)”

Studying Hanna’s Anatomy

By the end of the first commercial break, all of our Pretty Little Liars arrive at the hospital, having come directly from the scene of the crime.  They are all chatting on their cell phones in hushed tones, presumably telling their parents what happened.  As it turns out, Hanna got pretty darn banged up in the car accident, with a broken leg and ankle, bruised ribs and a ruptured spleen.

“Hope Mama’s got some REALLLLL good health insurance!”

Oddly enough, Hanna’s future boyfriend, the always adorable Super Seth Cohen-y, Lucas seems to have arrived at the hospital first.  It’s a bit odd that no one really thought to have asked him how he found out about the accident so fast, considering, he was most certainly not at Mona’s lame party . . .  (He hates that Evil Biatch!)

(I really do hate to suspect sweet Lucas for any of the crimes committed against our girls on this show.  But you have to admit, he was acting a bit strange this week . . .   And there’s still the issue of his having “dirty shoes,” the day after Ali’s Ugly Ass Memorial Fountain was destroyed in the park, this past summer . . .)

Dirty feet = a dirty mind?

The other girls worry for all of two minutes over whether Hanna will be safe in the hospital alone over night.  (You know .  . . because someone, like, tried to kill her, and stuff.)  However, ultimately, they decide to leave her there, in order to further their own respective plotlines get some rest. 

If you thought Lucas was acting weird this week, he had NOTHING on Spencer’s b*tchy older sister, Melissa, and her freakish old / new boyfriend, Ian, who — we know from flashbacks — apparently had a real THANG for under age teens and pedophillic sex tapes, back in the day.  (So far, we have been led to believe that Ian was the last guy to see Ali alive.  He also once made out with Spencer, as most of Melissa’s boyfriends tend to do.)

Come BACK, Wren!  COME BACK!

Was I the only one who found the whole exchange between Spencer and her sister weird?  There was just something about Torrey Devitto (the actress who play’s Melissa)’s line delivery.  It kind of sounded like she already knew what had happened to Hanna, but was pretending to be all shocked and concerned, for Spencer’s sake.  And then, as if right on cue, the shirtless Adonis, Ian pops in . . .

(If you recall from the previous episode, Ian and Melissa had just had their “first date,” after a long breakup, during which Melissa had met and become engaged to HOT WREN.)  Notice how when Ian inquires, “How is she?” Melissa responds only as to Spencer’s well being, not even thinking about Hanna’s.  Is the faux pas merely evidence of natural sisterly concern?  Or something more . . .

It certainly wouldn’t be the first time THIS actress played a bat-sh*t crazy killer . . .

Believe it or not, it is Ian that corrects Melissa, by inquiring specifically as to Hanna’s well being.  And yet, how did Ian know Hanna was hurt, if HE had supposedly been screwing Melissa the entire evening, and SHE claimed not to have even been aware that the accident occurred, until Spencer told her about it?  VERRRRRRRRRRY Interesting!

“Paging, Dr. McDreamy . . .”

Meanwhile, Aria and Professor Fitzy Ezra are getting their flirt on, and worrying a bit over the incredibly lame cryptic message drawn in dew on the back window of Ezra’s car the night of Mona’s party (back when the couple was screwing like bunny rabbits, in the front seat)

You GO, Aria and Ezra!

(Now, I’m certainly no scientist.  So, maybe someone who is can help me out here.   Is “dewy mirror finger painting” really THAT visible, on a sunny day, HOURS after it was written?  Because the hearts and happy faces, I used to “draw” on car windows, backwhen I was a kid, almost always faded to dull indecipherable scratch marks, within 10 minutes of my making them. 😦   Just saying . . .)

Anyway, Ezra . . . the only member of this couple who is old enough to have actually seen I Know What You Did Last Summer . . .

. . . becomes immediately convinced that the message is a threat from someone who saw Fitzy macking on his underage student at the party.  “It says ‘I See You,’ not ‘Wash Me,’ not ‘Go Sharks’ . . . It’s very specific,” snarks Fitzy. (Haha, “WASH ME”  Oh, that Fitzy!  He’s such a little joker!) 

Aria, on the other hand, is confident that the message is nothing but some kid’s idea of a silly prank . . . at least, until she speaks to Hanna, later that day.

Sometime in the afternoon, Hanna’s mom texts the girls to tell them to come play with her daughter at the hospital.  So “cool” is Mama Marin, that she even signs the text with her first name “Ashley” as opposed to “Hanna’s mom,” which is how most PLL fans probably know her, anyway.  I swear, after that scene where Emily got the text message, I spent about 2 minutes saying, “Who the heck is Ashley?”  (Then again, this is coming from a girl who has always called ALL of her friends’ moms by Mrs. [Insert Last Name], and STILL DO.)

“Some girl named ‘Ashley’ just texted us, and said you needed company.  We thought it was another SUPER SCARY message from ‘A,’ until we remembered that’s actually your mom’s name.”

As soon as the girls are alone, Hanna makes an announcement so triumphant, that I swear I heard someone banging piano keys dramatically in the background, while she spoke *DUN . . . DUN . . . DUNNNNN*  “BUSHY EYEBROWS NOEL KAHN is ‘A.'”

YIPPEE!  I just went from being the lamer part of a love triangle to being a REAL murder suspect!  I’M OFFICIALLY AWESOME!”

What’s Hanna’s PROOF, you ask?  Well . . . she saw Noel writing on Fitzy’s CAR!  (See what the writers did there?)  This revelation, of course, forces Aria to admit to the rest of her pals that she’s boning the English teacher.  All the girls pretend to be aghast by this, but you know they are all secretly turned on (well . . . maybe not . . . Emily ;)).  “Part of me thinks it’s self-destructive behavior, but most of me just thinks it’s really hot,” admits Spencer later . . .

Spencer just got about ten times cooler, in my estimation, for saying that hilarious line.  It almost makes me want to forgive her for dumping Wren for that Alex kid . . . almost.

Aria still doesn’t think Noel is “A” (or Ali’s killer for that matter).  He may have bushy eyebrows, and be the most possessive non-boyfriend on the planet, but he’s not a murderer, she argues.  And yet, the suspect count is dwindling, at least as far as the girls are concerned.  Creepy Toby was tucked safely away in jail, on the night in question . . .

And Slutty Ian was porking Spencer’s sister (or, at least, that’s what Spencer thinks). 

So, of course, Noel has to arrive at EXACTLY this moment, carrying the LARGEST Hospital Gift Basket I have EVER SEEN.  Geez!  For someone who claims to luuuuuuve Aria, this guy sure likes to buy stuff for Hanna!  Suffice it to say that I’ve purchased those gift baskets before.  And they are NOT CHEAP!  (I just wish I had a picture of this monstrosity to post here.  For one thing, I’m really curious as to whether it was Noel or Lucas who brought Hanna the EEEEEEEVILLL Teddy Bear.)

I’ve read that Noel is supposed to be viewed as a viable lovematch for Aria.  And he’s certainly pretty enough to be one.  But, honestly, I’m having trouble being anything but creeped out by the guy.   Observe the way he comes stalking into Hanna’s room unannounced, bearing extravagant gifts, his saucer-like eyes nearly bugging out of his head.  Aria doesn’t let him inside, fibbing that Hanna just fell asleep.  Then, when Aria asks Noel about his whereabouts the night of the party, he lies through his teeth, telling her he wasn’t there. 

When Aria doesn’t call Noel back, like he asks her to at the hospital, he seeks her out in an empty classroom.  It is there that she finally calls him out on his “Car Art.”  Noel then gets WAY TOO defensive, considering he’s only dated Aria once.  He immediately assumes Ezra has been pressuring Aria into sex, and seems completely intent on pummeling the lanky English teacher like a deflated punching bag.  When Aria, more or less, admits that their relationship is a mutual one, Noel refuses to believe it.  And starts STALKING Professor Fitzy in the dark, as a result .  . . SPOOKY!

Be afraid . . . be VERY afraid, Fitzy!

As for Aria and Ezra, they shared a sappy sweet conversation in an empty classroom too!  This one was about their relationship, which, unlike Aria’s and Noel’s is actually real.  They also talked about how they don’t regret screwing one another in that dirty barroom bathroom, during the pilot episode, even though the act gave Aria crabs technically made Fitzy guilty of statutory rape . . .

Speaking of boys who are sweet (like Fitzy), but a tad on the overbearing and possessive side (like Noel) . . . I thought it was pretty darn adorable that Lucas snuck into Hanna’s hospital room late at night, while she was supposedly fast asleep (again with the NO SECURITY!), looked at her lovingly for a few moments, and blessed her forehead with a delicate little butterfly kiss . . .

Fans of The Vampire Diaries probably loved this little scene just as much as I did, as it undoubtedly reminded them of ANOTHER sweet sleepy love moment between fan favorite couple, Damon and Elena . . .

Unlike Elena, however, who had no memory of Damon’s sweetness (Elena never seems to remember ANYTHING sweet that Damon does, DAMMIT!), Hanna DID remember Lucas kissing her, but thought the lip brush might have been nothing more than a figment of her imagination . . .

To everyone’s surprise, Lucas cops to the kiss willingly, claiming that he thought Hanna was awake when he did it, and tacitly approved.  Hanna gently reminds Lucas that she has a very Snoozy Boyfriend Named Sean (who was NO WHERE to be found, in this episode, by the way), and would prefer that her and Lucas stay friends.  Lucas argues that he feels like he’s been dumped, even though he and Hanna never officially went out.  He also believes that Hanna deserves a better boyfriend than Snoozy Sean (and I AGREE). 

What I didn’t agree with, was Lucas angrily storming off, like the jealous boyfriend, he isn’t (at least not yet)Don’t get me wrong.  Lucas has every right to be frustrated.  He and Hanna have more chemistry in their pinky fingers, than Hanna and Sean have in their entire bodies . . .  And I think, eventually, these two are going to make an amazing couple!

But, considering that Lucas has never explicitly made his romantic feelings plain to Hanna before today — and that he KNOWS Hanna and Sean are dating — I’m not quite sure how exactly he expected her to react to his sudden amorous nighttime advances.  Under the circumstances, I actually thought she handled the situation quite well  . . .

“Paging Nurse Ali (and Wench Mona)”

Honestly, I don’t know which female bedside meeting Hanna experienced was more disturbing:  “Ali” — dressed in a candy striper uniform, and bathed in flowing white light — leaving telltale lipstick on Hanna’s water glass (as “ghosts” tend to do), and telling her that lies are far preferable to truths . . . 

or Annoying Mona .. .

 . . . and her Extreme Hospital Makeover, her sorry excuse for an apology for lying about Hanna having weight loss surgery, and her nauseating story about how she “fell in love” with Hanna, when the latter puked on the trampoline at a party.  Man, I HATE that friggin Mona chick! 

Granted, Ali’s a real b*tch too.  But at least SHE’S fun about it!  (Like when she said, “I really should do something about “A.”  That b*tch is getting on my nerves.”  That was AWESOME!)

In Other News .  . .

Emily came out as being gay to her dad.  Surprisingly, he was not that big of a dick about it.  He then told Emily’s mom . . .

 . . . who was a TOTAL DICK about it, especially considering that SHE already knew about her daughter’s sexuality (thanks to some very explicit photos), and was simply in denial of it . . .

Emily also tried repeatedly to get to see Toby in jail this week, by phoning the police station, and inquiring as to his whereabouts.  So far, she’s been unsuccessful.  Blind Jenna found out about this, and called Emily out for screwing Toby over, by unwittingly leading the cops to bring him in as a suspect.   Emily responds to these accusations, by calling out Jenna on SCREWING Toby .  . . period (which made me like Emily, a heck of a lot more, as a result). 

“You, Blind Brother F*&ker!”

Also, Melissa randomly eloped with Creepy Ian . . .

And, at some point, Ian (or somebody who actually gives to craps about Ian) chopped down that very special tree in the park, (the one with the inscription “Alison & Ian” on it) and burned the part of the bark containing the inscription in a fireplace  (which seems like a lot of unnecessary work to me . .  . not to mention, the environmental implications).  I mean . . . all the tree needed was a little SHAVE, and all that incriminating evidence would be HISTORY!

Pretty Little Liars version of the Yule Log . . .

And, finally “A” (whoever the heck he or she is) left a little love note on Hanna’s cast, during one of the MANY times throughout the episode that Hanna was UNCONSCIOUS and had NO SECURITY WHATSOEVER around her hospital room . . .

Clearly, the people who write for Pretty Little Liars never watched last season’s finale of Grey’s Anatomy . . .

Here’s what “A” had to say this time . . .

“Sorry about losing my temper.  My BAD . . . Love -A”

And that’s all she wrote . . . Until next week, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Who’s Your Daddy? – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Paris Green”

Those out there who once complained that nothing ever happens on Boardwalk Empire are certainly eating crow now, aren’t they?

After all, this was the episode that FINALLY answered both the question of Jimmy’s paternity, and why his mom looks the same age that he does!  Also this week, we learned: what Margaret REALLY does with her Lysol; why you should never EVER double cross that Creepy Psychopath Van Alden, and what type of things you have to say to get Steve Buscemi’s eyes to bug out of his head, like one of those cartoon characters, who just saw a Naked Lady.

But, I think my absolute FAVORITE thing about this episode was that, even though there was no Awesome Al Capone in it . . .

 .  . . there was also NO DUMB SLUT LUCY, either!

So, let’s bring on the sheer fabulousness.  Shall we?

Oh Brother, Where Art Thou?

Don’t you hate it when, you’ve tied yourself upside down from the ceiling, and you can’t seem to get out of your straight jacket?  Well, so does Harry Houdini’s much less famous brother, NotHoudini.  We learn this during a VERY embarrassing public performance, during which NotHoudini takes WAY TOO LONG to get himself out of his straight jacket, while thousands look on, boredly. 

Later, back at Nucky’s mansion, NotHoudini redeems himself (sort of) by performing that So-Easy-a-Five-Year-Old-Can-Do-It, Hide the Jewelry Trick on Margaret.  Margaret is clearly impressed.  Thus, proving that she should really get out more!  I blame Nucky, of course.

“Wow!  Could you pull a rabbit out of a hat, and a coin out of my ear too?”

“I knew you were deceiving me, and yet you still succeeded in doing it,” Margaret marvels.

The aforementioned statement ends up being a major exercise in foreshadowing.  As it turns out, both Margaret’s “willingness” to be deceived, and that “hidden” necklace Nucky gave her, will be featured prominently in one of the episode’s main plotlines.

Later, when Nucky’s brother, Eli, rips him a new tushy, for letting his girlfriend get too involved in his business affairs, Nucky responds by comparing Eli to NotHoudini.  “If it weren’t for who his brother was, nobody would give a f*&k [about him],” exclaims Nucky.

And just to prove to Eli, how serious he is about nobody giving a sh*t about him, Nucky rips Eli’s Sheriff position right out from under his nose, and awards it to Opportunistic Prick Halloran.  Opportunistic Prick, if you recall, had the sheer GALL to ask Nucky for the position last week, mere days after Eli had been shot.

Don’t worry Eli!  You could always decide to become a Magician like NotHoudini.  You’re already pretty good at making opportunities disappear . . .

“Wash Your Mouth Out With Lysol, Just Like You Wash Your . . . Cat!”

Thank you, Boardwalk Empire for reminding me just how much I’ve missed Steve Buscemi’s Crazy Eyes!

Shortly after NotHoudini’s in-house performance, Nucky’s friend, Random Dude with Mustache, starts blubbering like a baby, because he lost all his money in a Ponzi Scheme.  Scratch that.  He lost his money in THE Ponzi Scheme, orchestrated by Charles Ponzi, himself.   Now, you’ve got to admit, that’s pretty impressive.  I mean that’s the type of thing they make souvenirs for!

Unfortunately, Random Dude with Mustache’s “concubine,” Annabelle Lotsa Wigs, doesn’t think so.  And when she tries to gather up the money she’s been stealing from him all these years, and skip town, she’s APPALLED to find out that HE STOLE IT FIRST!

It’s not easy being sleazy . . .

So, of course, Annabelle Lotsa Wigs, upon realizing that her Meal Ticket has expired, runs crying to Former F*&k Buddy, Nucky for some dough.   She even offers to give him a little screw, for good luck.  During their foreplay little exchange, who should walk in, but . . . LARGE MARGE!

To say Margaret is pissed off is an understatement, especially since SHE just lent Lotsa Wigs $50 herself, earlier.  So Margie starts really letting Nucky have it, in that grumpy passive-aggressive style she’s mastered so well, over the years.  Before you know it, EVERYTHING that has been unspoken between Nucky and Margaret throught the season, comes bubbling to the surface. 

Margaret calls Nucky out on making her do his political dirty work, while not permitting her to ask questions about his criminal enterprises.  Nucky calls Margaret out on being a hypocrite.  “If you were really a good person, you wouldn’t be here right now,” he remarks SAGELY.

He’s kind of got a point there . . .

Then, Nucky calls Margaret out on using Lysol to . . . ahem . . . clean herself.

Lysol:  It Gets the Sperm Out!

But, hey, Margaret doesn’t want to risk making any more Little Nuckys with her Nookie!  After all, there’s a good chance one of those bastard children might end up getting the Crazy Eyes Gene! 

However, things don’t REALLY get heated, until Margaret (rightfully) accuses Nucky of having her husband killed.  Sure, he was a stinking drunk loser, who beat her, and made her lose her baby.  But that doesn’t mean he DESERVED TO DIE!  Oh .  . . wait . . . yes it does. 

Yet, when Nucky (rightfully) replies that Margaret is WAY better off with her old husband dead, Margaret SLAPS HIM IN THE FACE!

Is it just me, or does she do that to people, A LOT?

Well . . . that Bitch Slap was MORE than enough ammunition for Nucky’s Crazy Eyes to come out to play.  Suddenly, the Nuckster is hurling Margaret’s Lysol bottle into a mirror, shattering it.   “You won’t be needing THIS anymore!”  Nucky yelps. 

(Now, I’m assuming he was referring to the Lysol Douche Bottle.  But wouldn’t it be funny if he was talking about the mirror?)

Margaret calls Nucky’s bluff, and definitively ends his Nookie (at least, for now).  Toward, the end of the episode, Nucky learns from Richard Harrow, that Margaret “fired” the Sweet Tin Man Serial Killer, packed up her kiddies, and fled Concubine Row, leaving the necklace that Nucky bought for her behind.

“Was it something I said?”

At the end of the episode, Nucky visits a fortune teller, to find out whether there is any hope of him getting laid in the near future.  In payment for her services, Nucky undoubtedly will give said fortune teller a used necklace, and a half-empty bottle of Lysol . . .

“Look Mom, Ghosts!”

Speaking of people who’s futures are going to suck, when we last left the Most Boring Closeted Lesbian in the World, Angela, she was making plans to escape to Paris with Little Tommy and her Kissing Friend, the Photographer’s Wife . . .

So, this week, Angela packs her bags, and, after leaving a note for Jimmy, heads off to the Photography Shop to meet her Destiny.

Unfortunately, when Angela arrives at the shop, she learns that Destiny left without her.  Some dude sweeping the floor, informs a very heartbroken Angela that the Photographer and his Wife skipped town permanently in the dead of night, supposedly en route to Paris.  And yet, a photograph Tommy finds on the floor of the otherwise empty shop seems to suggest otherwise.  “Look Mom, Ghosts!”  Angela’s son exclaims.

When Angela examines the picture she sees to her horror, that it is a wedding photo of the photographer and his wife, both with their faces crudely scratched out.  No more Kissing Friend, for Angela!

“Well, great!  Now, I have NO PURPOSE WHATSOEVER for being on this show!”

When Angela arrives home, a rather Sinister Looking Jimmy appears shortly thereafter.  “I know what you’ve been doing,” he says cryptically, to a very freaked out Angela. 

(Has Jimmy read the “Dear JimmyJohn” note Angela left him?  Did he order a hit on the Photographer and his Wife?   Or did he just want Angela to THINK they were dead?  So many questions . . . So little recapping time.)

In fact, Jimmy pretty much ignores Angela, throughout the entire scene, talking instead to Tommy, about how much fun the two of them will have together, once he gets older.  (Translation:  “You’re NEVER EVER taking my kid from me, B*tch!”) 

But the best part of the entire scene comes at the very end.  In it, Jimmy tells Angela to put Tommy to bed, and then very dramatically closes the door in her face.  The manner in which he does it is very reminiscent of that FABULOUS final scene from The Godfather, where Michael Corleone lies to his wife about killing his sister’s husband, and then closes the door in her face, as he begins to take over his father’s position, as head of the Corleone crime family, in earnest.

The fact that nobody has thought to excerpt this iconic scene on YouTube annoys me greatly.  Because I really, really, really wanted to include it in this recap!  If you haven’t seen the film yet, Netflix it now, or Richard Harrow will shoot you, right under your eyeball!

We are Family . . .

Hey there, Commodore!  You know what grown men who diddle 13-year olds deserve?  Arsenic-flavored Cookies, that’s what!

Jimmy receives a call early on in the episode from his mom that his father is dying.  “What do you want me to do about it?”  Jimmy asks gruffly.

Ahhh . . . there’s nothing like the love between a father and son!

Apathy aside, Jimmy decides to show up at the Commodore’s Death Bed to support his mother. 

During our stay over at the Commodore’s, we learn a thing or two about Jimmy’s origins.  As it turns out, Nucky pimped out Mama Gillian to the Commodore, when she was just THIRTEEN and Commodore was FIFTY FOUR!

For a lot of women, that’s not even medically possible!  Poor Gillian!  I mean, she probably wasn’t even old enough to buy LYSOL then!  Besides, who the heck wants to be a grandmother by their early 30’s?  That”d be pretty darn awful!

No wonder Jimmy’s got such a chip on his shoulder!  “I’m what time and circumstances have made me,” Jimmy remarks, when a sickly Commodore inquires after Jimmy’s life choices.

“And, thankfully, I got most of my looks from my mother’s side of the family.”

Commodore then tells Jimmy that it was HIS Pervy Ass that built Atlantic City up from a dank swamp into the Cest Pool of Sin it is now!  (I think he deserves a round of applause for that, don’t you?  No?  Still mad at him about the whole pedophile thing?  Yeah . . . me too.  No applause then.)

“Yeah, you and your Big Blue Ox,” Jimmy snarks.

You know you’re watching a “period piece,” when one of its “pop culture references” is about Paul Bunyan . . .

“What I’m saying is that the wrong man is running this town!”  Commodore yells, frustratedly.

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

And how does Jimmy respond to his absentee father’s suggestion that HE should be running Atlantic City, instead of Nucky.  “I don’t feel well,” he says, before LITERALLY walking out of the room, and “Tossing his Cookies.”

As we find out later, those “cookies” happen to have been doused with arsenic.  We learn this when the Commodore’s doctor finds evidence of the poison in the Pedophile’s blood and hair sample.  As luck would have it, a bottle labeled POISON in really big letters is sitting conveniently under the Commodore’s bed, and NOBODY NOTICED IT BEFORE!  Go figure!

The most obvious culprit in Cookie-Gate is Nucky himself.  After all, he had the most to gain in offing the Commodore.  He wanted his job (and GOT IT).  Next on the list of suspects is Jimmy’s mom, Gillian, who seemed just a little too cool with caring for the man who knocked her up, while she was still wearing a training bra.  Having been at the Commodore’s bedside for a few weeks now, she certainly had the “opportunity” to poison him.  Then again, it could have always been Cookie Monster . . .

Everybody knows how much HE hates pedophiles!

In Other News .  . .

“One ringy dingy . . . two ringy dingy . . .”

It seems that Arnold Rothstein has not been off the phone once, since the pilot episode.  If anybody needs a good cell phone plan, it’s him.  Wait . . . your saying there were no cell phones in the 1920’s?  Sucks to be Arnie!  Anyway, some “consultant Rothstein is talking to, tells him to go to Chicago.  You know what that means, don’t you?

More Capone, next week!  WOO HOO!

Also . . .

Richard Harrow wants to get the D’Alessio Crime Family out of hiding, by killing their mother, sisters, and dentist (?).  Criminals always did have really f*cked up teeth.  That’s not very nice, Tin Man!

And finally . . .

Nelson Van Alden Gives Me Nightmares . . .

R.I.P. Agent Sebso!

When we first see Wackadoo Van Alden, he (with good reason) is still skeptical of his underling Sebso’s excuse for shooting Jimmy’s snitch.  Sebso calls Nucky to whine about it.  So, Nucky decides to throw his lackey a bone that ends up choking him to death.  to help him remedy the situation.  Nucky provides Sebso with intel on a supposed illegal liquor distillery.  This way, Sebso can pass the information along to Van Alden, thereby regaining Spanky’s Trust. 

However, while the pair are searching for the distillery, they come across some Baptists.

Creepo Van Alden and the Baptist minister start engaging in some “Religious Talk.” During the whole scene, I keep waiting for Sir-Belts-a-Lot to walk right into that river(?) / lake (?) and clean that Dirty Skank Lucy’s Juices right off him.  But he doesn’t.  (He must have Lysol at home.) 

Instead, Mr. Self-Righteous Jack Off acts APPALLED, by the fact that Sebso is Jewish, and, therefore, cannot be nearly as good of a person as the bat sh*t crazy, evil, jerks off to 16-year old girl’s pictures, cheats on his wife with whores, steals money, refuses to support his wife emotionally or financially Angelic Van Alden.

So, that he can start to trust the “Heathen” Sebso again, Van Alden decides to “baptize” him. 

And by “baptize” him, I mean repeatedly dunk him in the water until he drowns, while an ENTIRE CROWD OF “GOOD” BAPTISTS watch him do it, and do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO HELP!

*Kitty Genovese, once again shakes her head in sympathy with the Now-Dead Sebso’s plight.*

To cover his ass, Van Alden makes some B.S. excuse about having “purged evil from the world” or some crap like that.

Then this Horrible Excuse for a Human Being walks out of the water, as if he is the Lord, himself.  And an ENTIRE CROWD of god-fearing individuals, who just WATCHED HIM KILL SOMEONE, just let the Murderer GO ON HIS MERRY WAY!  Then again, maybe that had something to do with the loaded gun Crazytown was carrying, as moved through the crowd . . .

But still!  That group could have TOTALLY taken the bastard down!  (Those little grannies may look wimpy . . . but they’ve got REALLY long nails, and usually aren’t afraid to use them!)

And . . .  that was the episode in a nutshell.  Can you believe next week is ALREADY the Season Finale?  It seems like only yesterday, that I was using this picture . . .

 . . . and this picture . . .

 . . . for the first time.

See you next week!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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