Tag Archives: 1.9

It’s the Derek and Stiles Show! – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Wolf’s Bane”

There’s nothing like a good old-fashioned physically abusive bromance to get your motor running on a weeknight, am I right?  Just so you know, MTV, I would ABSOLUTELY watch a sitcom in which these two did nothing but wall slam eachother, hit eachother in the heads with various objects, and throw pies in one another’s faces . . . provided, they did it shirtless, of course. 

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Believe it or not, Blatant Homoeroticism and Bromantic Buddy Cop Comedy Antics, were not the ONLY things “Wolf’s Bane” had going for it.   There was also a lot of partial male nudity.  This episode was jam-packed with nail-biting chase scenes, intense wolfed-out battle blowouts, drippy Allison and Scott melodrama, creepy dream sequences, countless plot-twisty reveals, and the most unintentionally erotic description of sex ever told by a sociopathic wolf wannabe.  Did I mention that they FINALLY TOLD US WHO THE FRIGGIN’ ALPHA WAS?

And to my pleasant surprise, it ended up being someone who nearly NOBODY had guessed . . .

So, what are we waiting for, Werebangers?  Take off your shirt, and call yourself “Miguel,” because it’s time to FIND THE ALPHA!

RUN, DEREK, RUN!

(Can I just say that I very much approve of the producer’s fairly recent decision to make Derek look less wolfy, and more vampire-y.  I know, I know . . . he’s not SUPPOSED to be a vampire.  So, technically, I should be upset about this.  But REALLY, wouldn’t most of you prefer the picture above to THIS?

Just sayin’)

So, considering what Derek Hale looks like, it’s not much of a surprise that people always seem to be chasing him down, because they want to eat him, lick him, or pop him in the ass (with a “gun”) . . .

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It all started with that Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher who (randomly gave his students an economics test last week) everyone seemed to think was the Alpha, because in shows like these, the Bad Guys always seem to be the ones wearing the bad suits and nerdy glasses . . .

“Who has two hands, and looks like the serial rapist in every Lifetime movie ever created?  THIS GUY!” 

So, when the Alpha paid HIM a visit at the school late at night, you could almost hear the collective shocked gasps of Werebangers across the world . . .

“What slimy hands you have?”

“The better to finger you with, Professor Emo!” 

“HOLY CRAP!  Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher is not the Alpha.  Everything I thought I knew about Life is WRONG!”

Not only is Creepy Emo Chemistry Teacher (a.k.a. “Professor Emo”) NOT the Alpha . . . the Alpha also doesn’t seem particularly fond of the guy.  Perhaps, this has something to do with the fact that Professor Emo, indirectly, made Alpha look like THIS . . .

Now, here’s a guy who should REALLY consider keeping his shirt ON! 

More on exactly how he DID that later . . . the important thing is that Professor Emo looks like he’s about to become an Alpha Chew Toy.  That is, of course, until DEREK JUMPS IN AND SAVES THE DAY!

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“My HERO!”

Unfortunately for Professor Emo, he misses out on the opportunity to give Derek a Big Ole Bear Hug for the whole “Saving His Life Thing.”

“Would it be too forward of me to lick your ear, right now?” 

Because, moments after Emo Man is pushed out of harms way, the lights in the school pop on, and suddenly the place is crawling with Stiles’ Dad cops.

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Now Derek is on foot.  And though I’m screaming at my television that he would be able to run much faster, without those pesky clothes weighing him down, he doesn’t listen . . .

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Cops and Alphas aren’t the only ones who want a piece of Derek tonight.  A pack of RABID ATTACK DOGS are also on his tail .  . .

But, of course, all Derek has to do is smile at them, and the Big Bad Dogs all go scampering away like giggly school girls.  Less easily wooed are the Argents, who are trailing Derek in their cars, and on land, respectively . . .

“Hi, is this the phone sex hotline?  I’m looking for someone who sounds REALLY young, and likes to be licked.”

“Oooh, my stomach is killing me!  I really shouldn’t have had those beans for dinner on a Derek Hunting Night!” 

They are also undoubtedly wondering why, if Derek is on foot, his car seems to be on the highway, DRIVING ITSELF!  Welllll . . . not exactly. Cruising down the highway at warp grandpa speed are Scott and Stiles, who will be functioning as Derek’s getaway drivers, this evening .  . .

By the way, was I the only one who was hoping Derek would give Scott just a TEENSY bit of a harder time about the whole “accusing him of being a serial killer” thing?  I mean .  . . sure . . . today he’s Mr. Chauffeur, but who’s fault is it that Derek is on the run from the cops, anyway? RIGHT?

And when Scott responds to Derek’s WAY TOO TAME snarky comment about the situation, by whining, “Can’t we just get over that already,” I want to PUNCH HIM IN THE FACE!  (Get over it “already?”  Really?  Because, where I come from, this happened TWO EPISODES AGO, a.k.a TWO DAYS AGO, in Teen Wolf time.)  And nobody’s memory is that short . . . except for, perhaps Douchebag Wolves who make out with their best friend’s crushes.

In fact, oddly enough, when Derek wants to share pertinent information about the possible identity of the Alpha, it’s STILES he doesn’t trust to keep a secret . . . not Benedict ARNWOLF in the driver’s seat . . .

In Derek’s defense, Stiles’ “I’m really a daddy’s boy at heart” comment, that the police were just “doing their job” by trying to KILL DEREK, did seem to have a whiff of NARC, beneath the surface, didn’t it?

Nevertheless, Derek eventually shares THREE pertinent clues with the Scott and Stiles duo:

(1) The Alpha is somehow connected to Professor Emo (but he is not the Alpha);

(2) Laura Hale . . .

Isn’t she pretty? 

 . . . saw Professor Emo shortly before she died, when she was asking him questions about a list of individuals, a list that seemingly contained his ENTIRE FAMILY . . .

(3) on Professor Emo’s desk there was a drawn image that looks EXACTLY like the Ugly Ass necklace Allison wears on her neck . . .

Scott, of course, begins to have a major “O” at the mere mention of Allison’s name . . .

Meanwhile, at the hospital . . .

Dig a Little Deeper (Barf a Little Harder) . . .

“Almost finished . . . this is shaping up to be the best ‘I Heart Derek Hale’ tattoo I have ever created.” 

Poor Jackson!  I mean . . .  SURE!  He’s a girlfriend stealing, insecure, bullying slime bucket, of the highest order.  But . . . really, does anyone aside from maybe Hitler deserve to have claws come out of his mouth, and obscure blue flowery plants (with SUPER LONG STEMS) emerge from his neckhole?  I think NOT . . .  Of course, all this ultimately ended up being a dream.  Dr. Frankenstein wasn’t REALLY using some massively LARGE metal instrument to painstakingly pull flowers out of Jackson.   (Euphemism for SEX?)

Come on, DOC!  Aren’t we being a little over-zealous here?  I’ve seen medieval torture devices that look more humane than THAT?

But that didn’t make the experience any less dramatic .  . .

That is NOT a happy face . . . 

Three things about this dream sequence that made me want to vomit in my mouth I found particularly interesting are:

(1)  in it, Jackson admitted to having nightmares about the Hale fire, ever since he was scratched;

(2) even in the dream, the substance coming out of Jackson’s neck, was VERY CLEARLY the same substance to which he had developed an “allergic reaction,” despite the fact that, at that point, Jackson had NO WAY OF KNOWING what was wrong with him; and

(3) at the end of the dream, Dr. Frankenstein morphed into Derek Hale, a.k.a. the extremely hot guy who fingered scratched him.

“Please, Honey!  Be gentle!  I’ve only done this once with Danny, and I was very, very drunk at the time never done this before.”

Seeing this, I couldn’t help but be reminded of the True Blood concept, whereby, if you drink someone’s blood, you naturally become sexually attracted to them, and have sex dreams about them, for as long as said blood lingers in your system.  Could, perhaps, the same thing be said for werewolf scratches?  (And, if so, how do I go about getting myself one?)

“Has anyone ever told you, you have beautiful eyes?” 

Eventually, Jackson wakes up from his not-so-sweet dream, to hear the Doctor tell him that nothing is wrong with his non-healing scars, except for the fact that they seem to suggest that he is suffering from . . . wait for it . . . wolfsbane poisoning . . . as in, you know, the stuff that MAKES WOLVES horny for Derek Hale WEAK?

“So, this ‘wolfsbane poisoning,’ it doesn’t have, like, sexual side effects, does it?” 

This, of course, raises another host of questions.  Why is Jackson reacting so oddly to the wolfsbane, if he is HUMAN?  Is it, perhaps, because he has a “little bit of wolf” in him, already?  And what about Derek . . . why would a WEREWOLF have wolfsbane on his claws?  Is it a substance wolves’ bodies create naturally to protect themselves from other wolf predators?  Or did Derek have wolfsbane on his nails, simply because Auntie Kate had shot him full of the stuff, in the previous episode?

Clearly, Jackson is curious about this too, since, immediately upon finishing his meeting with the doctor, the Douchebag shamelessly hits on Scott’s mom, so that she will leave, and stupidly allow him to use her work computer.

“Hey Mama McCall!   Do you know what my FAVORITE movie is?  The Graduate.   Hint, hint, wink, wink.” 

When Jackson does, he looks up wolfsbane .  . .

 Google and Bing would NOT approve . . .

. . . and has an EPIPHANY!

He now knows EXACTLY what Scott is . . .

Sniffing Magic Fairydust in the Moonlight (and other things Jackson would like to do with Scott) . . .

At school, Stiles tells Scott that he has to somehow get Allison to give him her Ugly Ass Necklace, so that Stiles and Derek can use it as a sex toy investigate what the heck it has to do with Derek’s sister’s murder.

“Hey buddy?   How about a hug?  My life is going to be in mortal danger again, in about twenty minutes, and it’s all because of YOU!” 

 However Scott is WAY TOO preoccupied with thinking of Allison wet and naked, to be able to concentrate on the matter at hand.  (What else is new?)  By the time Scott arrives at his locker, Stalker Jackson is already waiting for him . . .


“Hey Buddy!  How about sharing some of that sexy wolf mojo, you’ve got going on!”

So eager is Jackson to inherit some of Scott’s Mad Lacrosse-Playing Wolf Skills, that he’s willing to do whatever it takes to become a werewolf.  This includes getting bitten .  . . getting scratched . . . and sniffing magic fairydust in the moonlight . .  .

Uh, yeah, Jackson?  I don’t actually think sniffing fairydust with the wolfpack in the moonlight is actually part of traditional werewolf lore.  That just might be a personal fantasy of yours.  Anywhoo, Jackson basically threatens Scott that if he DOESN’T make him a wolf, the douchemeister will tell Allison what he is, and make her hate him FOREVER!

 YIPPPEEEE!  WOOOOHOO!  YEAAH!   OHHH NOOO!  NOT THAT!  Who would give us those goopy love montages those romantic walks in the forest, if not for “Barbie Dream Couple,” Scott and Allison?

(By the way, Scott tells Jackson that in order to be transformed into a werewolf, an ALPHA needs to bite you.  I’m not 100% sure that’s true.  But more on that later . . .)

Sexting for Dummies . . .

Oh Scott!  You really are a COMPLETE MORON, when it comes to women, aren’t you?  What on EARTH made you think that the way to get Allison to love you again, and give you her Ugly Ass Necklace, was to send her pictures of you two MAKING OUT?

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And, while we are at it, Scott, what PERV took these pictures with your cell phone?  Because it sure wasn’t you or Allison! 

You know what PICTURE might have been more effective, Scott?  THIS ONE . . .

 . . . or THIS ONE . .

 . . . or THIS ONE (if you cropped your MOM out of it) . . .

Just trying to help . . .

Anyway, we are treated to some DRAMATICALLY HEARTBREAKING MUSIC as a tearful Allison RUSHES FROM THE CLASSROOM, in anguish, over the traumatizing sexts her werewolf ex-boyfriend sent her . . .

“I thought you’d at least have the decency to send me a picture of your weiner!  Don’t you care about me AT ALL?”

She wonders whether Scott was trying to “hurt her” by sending her those “painful memories.”  She’s going to need “some time,” before she can “work back to being Scott’s friend.”  (Uh, Sweetie Pie, I hate to break this to you.  But you were NEVER Scott’s friend.  You came . .  .  you saw . . . you screwed.  So, don’t be expecting that you two will be painting one another’s toenails at a slumber party, any time soon.  Mmmm ‘kay?)

“I Bet She’s a Screamer”

She sure looks like a screamer, in THIS picture! 

So, here are Scott and Stiles just minding their business a lunch . . . (Stiles is gorging on the fried finger food, as per usual . . .)

Now, clearly, this is a guy who never met something he didn’t want to shove in his mouth.  I can work with that . . .

All of the sudden, Jackson is eye-f*&king the pair hardcore, from across the lunchroom.  He’s also seductively eating his apple, and describing, in VERY graphic detail, all the sexual things he’s going to do to Allison, if Scott doesn’t help him become a wolf.  Though he’s halfway across the room, Scott can hear him speaking, as if he is whispering sweet nothings in his ear.  Jackson’s clearly done his research, and knows this.  And yet, since Scott’s supersonic hearing ability seems to be a tad on the selective side, I can’t help but wonder whether Jackson’s “wolfy connection” to Scott is what actually enables him to accomplish this feat.

But more on THAT later . . .

I have to admit, that as much as Jackson SUCKS SERIOUS ASS, I thought this scene was pretty hot.  The camera man focused on Jackson’s Angelina Jolie lips the entire time he was describing the way his hands were going to fondle Allison.  It was as erotic, as it was disturbing, and, I suspect, intentionally so  . . .

Scott tried to get his mind off things, by having the usually verbose Stiles distract him.  But alas, Stiles was a tad too distracted by his tater tots and the massive size of Jackson’s lips to be much help . . .

“Seriously?  Do you think he injects collagen in those things?”

Jackson’s goading of Scott affects the Teen Wolf so intensely, that he very nearly wolfs out right there in the cafeteria.  In fact, I’m pretty sure he manages to break his lunch tray, with his bare hands . . .

Oh, and I almost forgot Scott and Stiles decide that Scott should STEAL Allison’s necklace, since there is no chance in hell that she will give it to him, now . . .

Sink or Swim . . .

“So, all that stuff they say about shrinkage . . . is that true?” 

Honestly, I’m not sure what kind of wacked out school these guys go to, that they can randomly take a dip in the pool by themselves in the middle of the day, while a bunch of other students look on, boredly.  Nevertheless, here are Jackson and Allison swimming slower than my grandma “racing” eachother across the Olympic-size swimming pool, while Scott looks on enviously, and digs through Allison’s bag for the ever-elusive Ugly Ass Necklace.

I mean, seriously Jackson, I genuinely thought you had game, with all that great 1-900 Sex Talk you were giving Scott earlier.  But, here you are racing a woman in the pool, and — of all strokes — you choose the BREASTSTROKE, a.k.a. the least manly looking swim stroke of ALL TIME?  What gives, Dude?

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Yeah . . . go ahead . . . eat your apple.  It’s not going to change how I feel . . . that much.

That being said, it’s becoming increasingly clear to me that Jackson doesn’t really give two craps about Allison.  This whole goopy lovesick puppy act is all for Scott’s benefit, which is . . . interesting.

Speaking of girls Jackson isn’t really interested in, he dumps Lydia . . . by TEXT MESSAGE.

The Poor Girl is so far inside Scott’s jockstrap clueless about the nature of attraction that she hasn’t noticed that the writing has been on the wall for the end of this relationship, since the Pilot episode.  In fact, when she receives Jackson’s “Please drop off my housekey at your earliest convenience, as we are no longer dating.”  (Beautifully written . . . Jackson’s English teacher would be so proud.) text message, she automatically assumes its a joke, despite the fact that Jackson failed to include a “HaHa” at the end.  (Personally, I’ve always been more of an “LOL” girl myself.  I also use “JK”  under special circumstances).

Jackson callously tells a stunned Lydia that he is making some “changes” in his life.  Apparently, this includes dropping some “dead weight.”  And Jackson feels she is “the deadest.”

Now, whatever your feelings are about Lydia, you have to admit, that was pretty darn harsh.  (And you have to wonder whether the reference to Lydia as “dead” was meant to function as foreshadowing of some sort.)

ALSO . . . umm Jackson . . . how exactly is being a werewolf going to improve your dating life?  Are you expecting to start dating only poodles, now?

Don’t you worry, Red . . . you’ll get back on that horse again . . .

AHEM!

And now for my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE part of this episode . . .

Derek Hale – Fashionplate Extraordinaire

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We all know how much Derek Hale likes to sneak up on people.  However, so far in the series “people” has been relegated to just “Scott.”  So,  you could imagine my pleasant surprise when Derek pays a surprise visit to my OTHER favorite character on this show . . .

“Uh oh!  Derek’s here.  I guess I should minimize my porn now . . .” 

Stiles screams out Derek’s name, rather loudly from the bedroom.  And Derek, who’s supersonic wolf hearing has informed him that Papa Stiles is outside the door, figures that Papa might have some question about THAT . . . So, Derek puts his foot down, and forces Stiles to confront his Proud Papa . . .

Awkwardness ensues in the hallway, as the manly Papa Stiles attempts to express how proud he is of his son for making the First Line in the school lacrosse game, based on a schoolwide outbreak of monkeypox, or something.   Between these two non-emotional men, I think the word “proud” is thrown out about 10 times, before the seemingly interminable conversation ends with a SURPRISINGLY INTENSE HUG . . .

I’m kind of loving Stiles’ dad, right now.  If anything happens to him on this show, HEADS WILL ROLL!

Then Stiles returns to where he belongs . . . up against Derek Hale’s manly chest.  I think I smell a TVD-inspired Wall Slam, coming on . . .

Is it just me, or is Derek’s hair looking particularly POOFY, today?

Though Derek clearly tries to manhandle and intimidate Stiles, our scrappy little hero is clearly able to hold his own.  After all, HE’S holding all the cards.  “Hey Dad, Derek Hale is in my room.  Bring guns!”  Stiles threatens.  “As long as I am harboring your fugitive ass, it’s my house, my rules.”

YOU GO, BOY!

At least, we have no solved the mystery of where Derek has been hiding out all this time . . .

As it turns out, while Scott is stealing the Ugly Ass Necklace, Stiles has a little project of his own to solve.  He wants to trace the faux-Scott text message to Allison from “The School Night” episode to its source.  And he knows just the guy to do it.  Apparently, our good pal, Danny, was quite the little hacker at age 13, and has a criminal record for overriding cell phone security.  (I’m liking him, already!)

Unfortunately, Danny still believes that he only came to Stiles’ house for sex to study, and he is not interested in Stiles’ illegal hacking assignment.  And so, Stiles must resort to more creative methods of persuasion to get Danny to comply with his wishes.  Fortunately, “cousin Miguel” is around to help . . .

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So, apparently, Derek Hale’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit is lacking in the fundamentals, like say, indoor plumbing and running water.  This would explain why Derek is forced to wear a bloody shirt around Stiles’ house.  Danny, of course, notices right away, which gives Stiles an idea . . .

He starts insisting that Derek put on one of HIS (Stiles’ shirts) knowing full well, that none of them will fit.  The result is an AMAZINGLY HOT, and hilarious fashion show, during which an adorably grouchy Derek (or should I say “Miguel”), alternates between blessed shirtlessness, and uber tight-shirted bliss .  . .  And YES I have “visual aids for you to enjoy . . .


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(Honestly, I can’t imagine Stiles actually wearing this shirt.  Can you?)

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You’re welcome, DANNY (and Stiles)!

Then Stiles makes a comment like, “I know you play for a different team, but you still play ball, don’t you, Danny Boy?”

WOAH!  Did Stiles just offer up Derek for SEX?  I could have sworn that’s what that line intimated.  Because, suddenly, Danny is (approvingly) telling Stiles what a horrible person he is.  (Hey, it could have been worse, Danny.  He could have asked you, if you thought he was attractive for the 85,000th time.)  Horrible person or not, Danny is suddenly VERRRRY EAGER to help Derek find a pair of too tight underwear to match that too tight shirt Stiles with his little phone project.  Seemingly, within seconds the call is traced . . . to Scott’s Mom’s computer at the hospital?

Apparently, Jackson’s not the only guy who’s been able to pull Mommy McCall away from her “work.”  SLUT! 

Seriously, this kid NEVER EVER CLOSES HIS MOUTH.  I LOVE IT! 

The Argents are CRAAAAZY . . . Nuff Said . . .

We are then treated to a rather nauseating (in my opinion, anyway) scene in which Scott once again sneaks into Allison’s room (Girlfriend, shouldn’t really consider investing in a lock for that window.  Don’t you think?) to steal the Ugly Ass Necklace.  Before he can find it, however, he finds an old receipt Allison kept from the pair’s first bowling date.  Cue the Slit-Your-Wrist Emo Music!

Almost TWENTY BUCKS?  Kind of a ripoff, don’t you think?

“Wahhh!  Allison has such neat handwriting.  Why can’t I have handwriting like that?”

Fortunately, we aren’t subjected to this goopy maudlin “young love is hard” crap for long, because, eventually Scott finds the Ugly Ass Necklace, right next to an old book on werewolves Allison has apparently been researching.  Or, perhaps, should I say, “Loup Garous?”


So, of course, the minute Scott sneaks out of Allison’s bedroom, he HAS to run into Papa Argent, right on her lawn, right?

“We REALLY have to stop meeting like this, PSYCHO STALKER!” 

Why does it seem like nobody EVER wants to hang out with the adult Argents unless they are cornering them, and practically dragging them kicking and screaming into their “Friendship Circle.”  Once in the house, Papa A once again starts plying Scott with alcohol (which would actually be cool, since wolf Scott is incapable of getting drunk, and could, therefore drink Papa A under the table).  He apologizes to Scott for being aggressive with him, and expresses sympathy over the Salison breakup.

Papa’s candor with the teen he BARELY knows is a cross between genuine concern, and disturbing creepiness.  Throughout the entire uncomfortable conversation, I just keep waiting for the guy to tie Scott up, rip off his clothing and lock him in the basement, next to all the guns . . .

Papa interrogates Scott about how well he knows supposed Big Bad Serial Killer Derek and blah, blah, blah.  We’ll back to them later.  For now, let’s go visit MORON Allison.  Our favorite A+ student has, apparently decided that, even though there are wild animals and serial killers on the loose, it’s a perfectly fabulous idea to go out running alone in the “picturesque” woods where the Blair Witch Project was probably filmed.

“Hi, my name is Allison Argent.  Do you like the sign on my back?  It says :”Please murder me, and bury my body under a nice tall tree.”

 As if that wasn’t bad enough, Little Miss Death wish then decides to go wandering around the suspected murderers burnt up house, so that she can explore all the suspicious -looking claw marks on the floor. (Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY how The Blair Witch Project ended.)  Auntie Kate the crazy cougar sex pot / obvious arsonist /  Hale fale murderer follows her niece there, supposedly to “keep her safe” or whatever.

 When Allison wonders out loud what would make a hot dude like Derek become a psychotic killer, Katiepoo gets quite a bit defensive, arguing that “You don’t have to be psychotic to be a murderer . . . you just have to have  a ‘reason’, but even then, sometimes, you can surprise yourself.”  (In other words, “Yes, I burned down this house, and killed all the Hales in it, because I was raised to hate werewolves, but also because I secretly get turned on by watching things DIE!”)

“My precious!” 

As Auntie Kate tells her tale of how some serial killers are really just nice people, who are misunderstood, she fondles the wall of Derek’s house, like she wants to hump it.   (Sidenote / Speculation: The writers seem to have made it SO obvious that Kate was the one responsible for the Hale fire, that I can’t help but wonder whether this is a MAJOR red herring, and that someone else, like Allison’s MOM for example, is actually the one who lit the final match.  Just wondering. . .  )

Then Allison gets all weepy for the 225,000th time this episode, and whines to Kate about how weak she feels because she doesn’t know how to battle a serial killer.  Katiepoo promises that if Allison is patient she will make her drink the Kool Aid and become a bat-sh*t crazy Werewolf Hunter, just like everyone else in her family give her everything she is seeking . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, it’s “nice” that Allison has decided that she wants to learn how to defend herself.  However, there was something about the sneakly little smirk Auntie Kate gave the camera at the end of this scene that just didn’t sit well with me. It seems pretty obvious that Katiepoo has some very SELFISH reasons for wanting Allison to be trained in the art of werewolf hunting . . .

Speaking of whiny, whiners, who like to whine . . .

Scott is conveniently boo hooing to Papa Argent about how EVERYTHING he has done, since he met Allison, has been to keep her safe except for, you know, those times he tried to kill her . . .  and the time he made out with Lydia . . . and the time he left her for dead, while he did the horizontal  mambo with the Alpha, when Allison appears in the doorway, and (SURPRISE!) hears exactly the right part of the conversation.  Well, played, Scotty Boy!

Revelations of ALPHA importance!

I’m not exactly sure how he figured it out, but somehow Stiles’ Super Cool Daddio connected Professor Emo to the Hale fire.  When Papa confronts him with this information, Professor Emo explains how some Hot Chick (Kate) found him in the bar, and plied him with liquor and promises of sex, until he told her how to make the scientific concoctions necessary to burn down a home, and hide dead bodies.  Apparently, this conversation occurred just a few weeks before the Hale house burned down.  (The important question, of course, is: Did Kate and Professor Emo bump uglies?)

“Come on, Officer!  Cut me some slack.   Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get laid, when you look like the serial killer from a Lifetime movie?”

In hindsight, it’s kind of unfortunate that our main characters weren’t made privy to this conversation, as it actually fills in a lot of previously mined plot holes.  And because this recap is getting longer than I wanted it to be, I will just go ahead and list them here:

(1) We now know why, at the beginning of the episode, the Alpha blamed Professor Emo for what happened to him in the Hale family fire.

(2) We now know that Laura Hale came to Emo MAN prior to her death, because she somehow figured out that someone with Professor Emo’s last name (“Harris” not “Emo”) was the one who gave the arsonist the “tools” to set the fire.  And she figured that HE would be able to lead her to her family’s murderer.

(3) We know that the Arsonist (probably Kate, but maybe Allison’s mom) was an Argent, since she was wearing the infamous Ugly Ass Necklace that Allison now owns . . .

And now for the REAL juicy stuff . . . upon getting the news that the Alpha is probably hiding out at Beacon Hills Hospital, where Scott’s mom works, Stiles and his new boyfriend “Miguel” erp . . . I mean Derek drive over there to investigate.  Unfortunately, Stiles is currently missing what will, most likely, be his ONLY chance to play first lacrosse, which makes me sad, both for him and his dad.

But you know what’s NOT sad .  . . what’s in fact, HILARIOUSLY funny?  THIS . . .

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Yeah . . . apparently Derek wasn’t too cool on Stiles pimping him out to Danny, in exchange for some cell phone information.  Fortunately, Stiles seems to have a very bouncy skull, and will probably be just fine.  (He’ll have a killer headache, tomorrow though!)

To be honest, I’m not 100% sure why Derek made Stiles go into the hospital BY HIMSELF, knowing that there was a pretty good possibility that the Alpha was in there . . .

Like a lamb heading to slaughter . . . 

In fact, all it takes is for Stiles to report to Derek via telephone that Derek’s “invalid” uncle is no longer in his room, despite his having supposedly not left his CHAIR for ten years, for Derek to figure out EXACTLY who the Alpha is . . . And in about three seconds we will know too . . .

You know, I gotta say, as far as having a “good cover” for being a serial killer, pretending to be a vegetable for ten years, is about as ambitious as they come!  Color me impressed!  But Uncle Alpha didn’t get where he is today, by being a lone wolf, he had at least one accomplice . . .

As of now, I’m not quite sure what the nurse has to do with all this.  Currently, my guess is she was either boning the Alpha, or she’s part of his pack.  Perhaps, both.  But to be honest, I’m more worried about Stiles right now . . . and he’s, rightfully, more worried about himself than he is about solving the Mystery of the Alpha for his Scooby Gang pals.

Source

But worry not, Stiles!  Because Derek Hale is here to rescue YOU!

Source

Now, that’s HOT! 

Unfortunately, for Derek,  he’s really no match for the Alpha, as we learned that time when said Alpha GUTTED LIKE A FISH!

Ahh!  Memories! 

So, eventually Derek is temporarily incapacitated, and we come to that annoying, but necessary, part of every story, where the villain monologues for his prospective victims, and tells them all his secrets . . .

The Alpha’s first secret?  He FAKED HIS UGLY FACE (either that or he has the coolest Plastic Surgery Mirror EVER)!

Here’s another interesting Alpha tidbit.  Remember when Derek visited his fake invalid uncle in the hospital, and asked him if anyone else got out of the fire alive that could potentially be the Alpha?  Remember how Fake Invalid Uncle raised his finger?  Well, apparently, he was POINTING AT HIMSELF!

That Alpha . . . what a FUNNY GUY!

But, for me, the most interesting tidbit was THIS . . . Uncle Alpha BECAME an Alpha by killing the original Alpha, also known as . . . wait for it . . . Laura Hale.

My Alpha . . . how you’ve changed! 

And it was the act of becoming an Alpha that healed his wounds (and also made him nuts).  Why this is pertinent, of course, is that it pretty much debunks Derek’s theory that Scott could cure his own werewolfism by killing the Alpha.  In fact, if Scott kills Uncle Fake Invalid, he will become an EVEN BIGGER ASSHAT WOLF than he is now.  But . . . and here’s the kicker . . . so will DEREK, if HE kills his uncle . . .  which he may very well do in the upcoming episode . . .

My sentiments exactly  . . .

On a lighter note, Derek was also wrong about something else . . . he and Scott ARE definitely part of the same pack.  (All together now . . . AWWW!)

Speaking of pack members, we actually learned some important things on the boring lacrosse field too . . .  Wanna hear them?

Well too bad, because here they come . . .

(1) Contrary to popular belief, there IS, in fact, a “ME” in “Team” . . .

 (2) The Argents are werewolf hunters, because their last name means “silver.”  (Well, actually, we sort of knew that already, but . . . whatever JACKSON!

(3) Auntie Kate is a closet pedophile who wants to lick teenage boys.  She thinks Jackson is hot, and really wants to hit that.  She also thinks he might be the second beta wolf because . . . wait for it . . . a DEEP WEREWOLF SCRATCH is enough to turn a human into a werewolf.

“BUT WAIT . . .” You say.  I thought only an ALPHA could turn a human into a werewolf.  Derek is just a beta.  TRUE.  BUT . . . what if . . . a human was scratched by a Beta . . .

 . . .and that same scratch was TRACED by an Alpha . . .

Uh Oh, Jackson!  Be careful what you wish for . . . because you just might get it.

See you next week, Werebangers!

P.S. Special thanks go out, once again, to my FABULOUS, UBER TALENTED, EXPERT SCREENCAPPER, Andre, for all the beautiful caps you see here (particularly the shirtless ones, because those deserve EXTRA thanks). 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Unlikely Heroes – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “Belle Femme”

Eddie Kessler.  Sure he may talk funny.  And he’s certainly not the most masculine guy on the block.  But if you need someone to take a bullet throw a defenseless lady in front of a bullet for you, he’s DEFINITELY your guy!

If there was one lesson to be learned from this week’s installment of Boardwalk Empire it was this:  Never discount ANYBODY!  From the small gangly pre-teen, to the sweet-tongued mistress, to the meek sycophantic “Yes” Man — anyone can save you’re ass, at a moment’s notice.  But those same folks can screw you over, just as easily . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s take a look back at the unlikely heroes and villains of “Belle Femme” . . .

Out with the old, in with the new . . .

 

“Hello, Nucky.  I don’t believe we’ve met.  My name is Opportunistic Prick . . .”

When the episode opens, we find Nucky, and his “loyal” underling Deputy Halloran, at Sheriff Eli’s bedside.  Eli is obviously still recovering from being shot in the spleen by Rothstein’s men, the previous week.  While Nucky’s little brother is mentally just as quick-witted, as he was before the accident (Actually, he’s still pretty dumb, but not any more so than usual.), physically, his prognosis is somewhat worse than expected.  As a result, he will be out of commission for another month.

“A month is a LONG time to be in bed with nothing to do!  Too bad I burned that Hot Nun Porn from last week . . .”

But extended bedrest isn’t the only problem Eli is facing.  He’s also receiving some bad press from the new Democratic Candidate for Mayor.  The Candidate in question not-so-subtly implies, in an interview with a local newspaper, that Eli’s mere presence at the illegal casino suggests misconduct, on his part.

Eli’s second-in-command, Deputy Douchebag Halloran, sees Eli’s misfortune as an excellent career opportunity.  At a “private meeting,” Halloran boldly assures Nucky that, if he were to offer him the job of Sheriff, Halloran would gladly take it.  Initially, Nucky thinks Halloran is kind of an a**hole.  (And we agree.)  I mean, the nerve of this guy to go behind his “friend’s” back and ask his friend’s brother for his friend’s job!

But then Nucky has a meeting with that Old Dude, Commodore.  We can tell immediately, based on the respect with which Nucky regards him (and how friggin huge his mansion is), that the Commodore is supposed to be a fairly “powerful and important”guy.  And yet, all we’ve ever seen him do on the show so far, is fight with his housekeeper, and puke nasty green stuff into a large bowl . . .

“Now, I know how that chick from The Exorcist felt . . .”

Commodore tells Nucky that, in the upcoming election, he should throw support at Republican candidates other than Sheriff Eli and the incumbent Mayor.  Commodore reasons that new candidates (like Deputy Douchebag Halloran, and that random construction tycoon, who Nucky met with later in the episode) will not be as tainted with “bad press” as the men they are replacing.  Nucky agrees immediately (quite possibly, because he has seen The Exorcist, and knows what happens to those who fail to heed the demands of people who puke nasty green stuff . . .)

“Hey!   I resemble that remark!”

Dress for Success . . .

 . . . but when you really want to get things done, UNDRESSED is BEST!

When we first see Margaret, she, and soon-to-be President Warren Harding’s mistress, Nan Britton, are wandering the Boardwalk, for a fun day of sun and shopping.  Unfortunately, for Margaret, Nan isn’t exactly the best conversationalist, as she only has interest in one topic.  “It was love at first sight,” coos Nan nauseatingly, regarding Mr. Harding.  “He was the handsomest man I have ever seen!”

Ummmmmm . . . . OK?

(Pssst . . . I think Nan Britton needs to get out more.)  The duo quickly head to Madame Jeunet’s dress shop, Belle Femme, which seems to be the ONLY place in Atlantic City where the concubines shop  . . . While Nan tries on dresses for Harding’s upcoming Inaugural Ball (Awwwww, that’s sweet!  She actually still thinks she’s going . . .), Madame Jeunet takes Margaret aside to discuss some “private” matters.

“Listen, do you know any politicians in need of a mistress?  Dress shop ownership doesn’t pay what it used to.  Did I mention, I’m a beast in the sack?”

After spending a few minutes shamelessly kissing her former employee’s ass, Madame Jeunet gets down to business.  Nucky’s “tax” collections have become too expensive for the dress shop owner.  If the Madame keeps having to pay these “taxes,” she will go out of business.  So, Madame not-so-subtly suggests that Margaret appeal to Nucky, on her behalf.

At first, Margaret tries the intellectual approach.  She explains to Nucky the financial problems Madame Jeunet is experiencing, and appeals to his sense of fair play.  After all, Madame Jeunet did give Margaret a job, when Nucky asked her to do so.  Nucky, who is not at all used to being told what to do by a woman except during sex —  Nucky always struck me as a “bottom” kind of guy, if you catch my drift, is furious with Margaret for having the gall to try to tell him how to do his job. 

“This is not a suitable topic for conversation,” lectures Nucky.  “You are GROUNDED!  Now, go to your room, and give me a BJ!”

But Margaret is not the kind of gal to give up without a fight . . .

Later that evening, Nucky and Margaret are cuddling in bed, engaging in Nucky’s favorite post-coital topic of conversation: politics.  Nucky is obviously concerned about the upcoming elections.  “What can I do to help?”  Margaret inquires coyly.

Nucky, who correctly believes that women are about to get the right to vote, asks Margaret to campaign on his behalf.  He was impressed by her ability to “wipe the floor” with Senator Hedge at his birthday party, and believes her to be a real political asset to his campaign.  Margaret sees an opening, and jumps on it.  “I suppose [I can do it].  But do you not want me to look pretty?  Do you not wish me to dress well?”  Margaret asks innocently.

“Uh Oh!  I walked right into that one . . .”

Of course, I do.  You look beautiful . . .  in  . . . um . . . whatever you .  . . um . . . wear . . . um . . . yeah,” Nucky babbles, stumbling over his words.

Margaret smirks, knowing she’s already won.  “Madame Jeunet knows what suits me.  She knows how to make me look my best,” she coos seductively, massaging Nucky’s arms as she speaks.

Apparently, butting into Nucky’s business affairs is a no-no, but wanting to look “pretty,” now, that’s a female desire that Nucky fully supports!  “Is that why you didn’t want Madame Jeunet to lose her business.  Why didn’t you just say so?”  Nucky asks.  “Selfishness is an impulse I fully condone.”

Awwww yeah!  YOU GO, MARGARET!

Current score:  Margaret – 1; Nucky – 0

Back at Belle Femme, Madame Jeunet is thrilled with the financial break she received, thanks to Margaret.  And she tells her as much.  To show her appreciation, the Madame starts kissing Margaret’s ass even harder than before, telling Nucky’s mistress how dignified and classy she has always been. 

But Margaret is not so easily won over.  She is quick to remind Madame Jeunet about how dirty and disgusting she once thought Margaret was, and how often she let her know it.

But Margaret’s real power play comes when Madame Jeunet tries to give Margaret a dress and comb for her daughter, to show appreciation for what Margaret did on her behalf.  “But Madame Jeunet, my daughter did not save your business, I did.”

Current score:  Margaret – 1, Madame Jeunet – 0

The next scene shows Margaret accompanying Nucky to a fancy party, clad in a brand new FREE dress  . . .

Classy, right?  It’s kind of too bad that all that blood from the Dead Lady, who unwittingly took a bullet for Nucky, at the end of the episode, had to ruin it . . .

 I’m betting that baby dress and hairbrush are looking MIGHTY appealing, right now, aren’t they, Margaret?  Don’t let Gordon Gekko’s word’s fool you, GREED IS BAD . . . VERY BAD!

Current score:  Margaret – 0, Dead Lady’s Blood – 150

Jimmy to Nucky: “I’m BAAAAAAACK!”

Who were you expecting?  The Tooth Fairy?”

Jimmy shows up at Nucky’s office unexpectedly, though he claims NOT to have arrived unannounced.  “I sent you a telegram,” Jimmy says matter-of-factly.

  (I’ll admit, I absolutely thought Jimmy was full of sh*t, when he said this.  But it turns out that he DID actually send a telegram to Nucky.  Just like he DID pay Angela, during all those weeks he was in Chicago.  Shows how much I know . . .)

As it turns out, Jimmy has decided to take Nucky up on his offer to come back and work for him.  However, there are a couple of conditions to his return.  First, Richard Harrow must be allowed to join Jimmy’s Jersey Team . . .

I LOVE THAT GUY!  Now, if only we can get Capone to come too . . .

The second condition is that all discussions that occur between Jimmy and Nucky are to be kept completely private.   “Fair enough,” replies The Boss Man.

Nucky then hands Jimmy over pictures of the entire Philly crew, which is mostly comprised of D’Alessio brothers, and Vinnie Delpino from Doogie Howser, M.D.

In case you were curious, Vinnie is the guy in this picture that ISN’T Neil Patrick Harris.

Now, do you see the resemblance?

These were the guys who shot Eli.  So, Nucky would like them “found.”  “When I find them, what do you want me to do with them?”  Jimmy asks slyly.

“Well, I was kind of hoping you’d get them to join my Crooks League Baseball Team.  Clearly, these are guys who know how to swing a bat.”  “Do I have to spell it out for you?”  Nucky growls.

But Jimmy, like Margaret, is no dummy.  He knows he’s got the upper hand on Nucky, and he’s going to milk it for all it’s worth.  “I want you to know that you are a murderer.  Because that’s what you want me to do, right?  You want me to kill them?”

“Yes,” Nucky concedes grudgingly.

“Even the kid?”  Jimmy asks, plopping this cute little picture on the desk before Nucky.

“I think I babysat for that guy, once . . .”

Nucky says nothing to confirm or deny Jimmy’s latest inquiry . . .

Nice knowing ya, “Pius.”

“I’m going to go eat my steak,” says Jimmy casually, as if he didn’t just agree to murder some little kid, Vinny Delpino, and the entire Philadelphia Crime Family.

Be afraid, Steak.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Lets Make a Deal.

Speaking of the A’lessio family, they are about to make a deal with Arnold Rothstein, which might cost them their lives.  (I mean that literally.  Rothstein took out life insurance policies on ALL OF THEM.)  As it turns out, Nucky isn’t the only Kingpin with designs on the liquor business. But while Nucky sells locally-distilled, low-quality booze at mid-range prices, Rothstein plans to sell top quality scotch, imported from England.  And the D’Alessio’s are going to help him do it . . . unless, of course, they get whacked first.

Jimmy to Angela:  “I’m BAAAAAAACK!”

When we first see Angela this week, she is having a fine old time with that dweeby photographer, and her lover, his hot-to-trot wife.

The group is about to get involved in a little threesome action, when Jimmy has to show up, and RUIN everything!

(I never thought I’d say this about the arrival of the adorable Jimmy on my screen, but . . .)

Like Nucky, Angela also never got Jimmy’s “telegram.” 

Note to Jimmy:  Next time you need a message delivered, send an owl . . .

It always worked for Harry Potter!

After the photographer and his wife leave, Jimmy and Angela have a conversation that goes a little something like this . . .

Angela:  “I’m not really too happy to see you.   I was going to have a threesome, and you ruined it, Bastard.”

Jimmy:  “Let’s screw on the kitchen table.”

Angela:  “No, that’s gross.  We eat there.”

Jimmy:  “So what?  I’m going to screw you on the kitchen table, right now.”

Angela: “No!”

Jimmy:  “Yes, yes, yes, OOOOOH YES!”

Angela:  *sighs*  Fine.  But I am totally picturing the Photographer’s Wife, while you do me.”

And . . . I bet you will never guess what happens next . . .

Do you think they at least washed the table, first?

Apparently, Jimmy had so much fun screwing his Lesbian Wife, and then eating eggs off the same surface where he did it, that he has now decided he wants to have more kids with her.  Now, if that’s not romantic, I don’t know what is .  . .

But this Happy Family Moment is interrupted, when Jimmy gets a Secret Phone Call .  . .

Lucky Luciano Gets Screwed (Twice)

“I’m so winning the Mother of the Year Award.”

Those of you out there who were MAD at Jimmy’s mom, for repeatedly boinking his enemy, probably forgave her a bit this week.  After all, as soon as Jimmy came back to town, she called him to let him know that Lucky was “indisposed.”  

Once Jimmy arrives, Gillian holds a gun to her former lover’s head, while Jimmy pours coffee on Lucky’s face and naked chest.  “[Al Capone] says I should blow your f*cking brains out,” threatens Jimmy.

“Yeah, that definitely sounds like something I would say.”

I’d appreciate it, if you didn’t,” Lucky says politely (Rothstein has taught him well . . .)

“You’re coming with me,” Jimmy demands, doing his best Bad Ass Gangster impersonation.

Little does Jimmy know that Lucky, is about to get . . . well . .  . lucky . . .

OMG!  It’s Creepy Van Alden!  How did he know Jimmy was back in town?  You guessed it . . . Western Union!  (See, Jimmy?  Owls!  Stick with the Owls!)  So, Van Alden arrests Jimmy, and brings him to the station, while Lucky laughs his ass off.

“Best . . . Morning . . . EVER . . . Well, aside from the whole ‘being held at gunpoint’ and ‘getting coffee in my crotch’ thing.”

Jimmy’s Going DOWN . . . Or is he?

Over in Crazy Town, Van Alden is supposed to be interrogating Jimmy about the heist, during which he and Al Capone supposedly killed four people.  And yet, the Wackadoo Agent, just can’t seem to stop inquiring about Margaret Schroeder, and her “relationship” with Nucky.  “Listen, if you want to know who Mr. Thompson is f*cking, why don’t you ask him?”  Jimmy asks, quite rationally.

As far as the heist, Jimmy claims he has an alibi.  He was “seeing a movie” at the time.  Unfortunately for Jimmy, there’s an eyewitness placing him at the scene of the crime.  And it looks like Jimmy’s pretty screwed.  The ever-supportive Nucky tells him as much, when he comes to visit his protege in jail. 

“You’re pretty much screwed, Jimmy.”

But fear not, Jimmy Fans!  An unexpected ally is about to come to Jimmy’s rescue.  Agent Sedso, Creepy Van Alden’s second in command (he of the hidden Western Union packages) suggests to Van Alden that Jimmy’s snitch be brought to a safe place, so he can’t be whacked by Nucky’s men.  In fact, Sedso will take him there himself.  (What a NICE GUY!)

So, off the pair head to an undisclosed location.  And, you know what happens next?

Oh yes, boys and girls, that Snitch is GONE!  Apparently, Sedso has been on Nucky’s payroll all along — sabotaging Van Alden’s investigation, and hiding important pieces of evidence, like the Western Union telegrams stating that Jimmy was in town.  And now, all he’s got to do is make the killing look like self defense, by hitting himself on the head with a few rocks.  No biggie!

“There’s nothing wrong with having a few bruises on your face.  It adds CHARACTER!”

So, for those of you out there who were keeping score, by the end of the episode: (1) Eddie saved Nucky’s life (but not that poor woman’s); (2) Agent Sedso saved Jimmy’s life; (3) Van Alden saved Lucky’s life; and (4) Margaret saved Madame Jeunet’s business. 

That’s a lot of “saving” for a single hour!  Who knows where this show will take us next?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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