You’re not dreaming, my fellow Fangbangers! True Blood is back on your television, and it’s weirder, wackier, more bizarre, and — if that final scene was any indication — SEXIER than ever!
Season 4’s premiere episode definitely had a different feel than the three seasons premieres preceding it. Unlike the last two season openers, which began almost immediately, after the prior seasons ended, “She’s Not There” took a page out of the Sookie Stackhouse Book Series, in that it takes place ONE WHOLE YEAR after the Season 3 finale. This gives the viewer, who ALSO hasn’t been to Bon Temp in about a year, the feeling that he or she watching the episode take place in “real time,” so to speak.
“If we drive fast enough (and don’t stop for gas . . . ahem), we can make it home in time for the season premiere.”
Another “page” Alan Ball took out of the books this time around, was its narrative perspective. One of the main differences between the Sookie Stackhouse BOOKS and True Blood is that, while the former is written in Sookie’s voice
(shrill, as it may sometimes be) . . . the latter is told from a third-person omniscient standpoint, allowing the viewer to see and know plenty of things that Sookie doesn’t. Here, however, because both Sookie AND the viewer have been gone for a year, we’ve ALL been left in the dark, as to what’s been happening in Bon Temps, while we’ve been away. As a result, throughout the first episode, we are learning all the CRAZY, SOMETIMES RIDICULOUSLY OUT OF CHARACTER, changes Sookie’s friends have undergone this past year, right along with Sookie, herself. And most of the time, it leaves us just as confused as she is . . .
Given all these aforementioned book / television similarities, it might surprise you to know that, based on the premiere episode, Season 4 of True Blood might end up being the season that takes the BIGGEST departure from the book series yet. And the best example of that is probably the COMPLETELY wackadoodle manner in which the episode begins . . .
“I see Queen Mab hath been with you, Sookeh!”
“Why do I feel like I just walked into a commercial for feminine products?”
Coming into the episode, most of us Fangbangers had already seen the extremely controversial first eight minutes of this episode, as HBO had (unwisely?) released it to fans a few weeks before the series premiere. I’ll come right out of the gate, and tell you I wasn’t particularly thrilled with it. While I understand the writers might have seen this as the best way to keep Sookie out of commission for a year, while drawing on an element of the True Blood mythology we haven’t learned much about yet, I just found the scene itself strange, oddly derivative (the Lotus Eaters and Romeo and Juliet references were eyeroll inducing) . . .
. . . and sorely lacking the fun, humor, creativity, sexuality, and camp, we have come to expect from True Blood.
*takes deep breath* OK . . . now that I got that off my chest, let’s frolic a bit in Fairyland, shall we?
When we last left Sookie, she was running in the forest, when Fairy Girl Claudine beamed her up into Fairy World . . .
You can fly. You can fly. You can FLYYYYYYYY!
As I mentioned earlier, at first blush, Fairyland looks like a cross between Ancient Greece and a Tampon Commerical. Sookie and Claudine arrive there in a flash of light, and everybody applauds. (They probably think Vampire Eric or Jason will follow behind them. Unfortunately, they don’t . . .I don’t know about the fairies, but if I was there, I’d probably feel majorly ripped off.)
Claudine then informs Sookie that she is her Fairy Godmother. Of course, Sookie, being Sookie, is not shy about telling her “new friend” how much she sucks at her job. Given all the crap Sookie has been through during the past three seasons, fans are inclined to agree with her assessment.
“Next time, try hiding her in a pumpkin.”
While in Fairyland, Sookie runs into good ole’ Barry the Bellhop. Remember him? The dweeby fellow mindreader she met in Dallas during Season 2? Apparently, he’s part fairy too. But honestly, I was so mesmerized by the hot piece of man meat who functions as HIS fairy godmother
father? that I wasn’t paying attention to poor Barry at all . . .
Apparently, Sookie was in the bathroom, during the Fairy Godmother selection process . . .
Barry starts blabbing to Sookie about how TOTALLY RAD Fairyland is, as its the only place that doesn’t make him feel like a “Total Freak.” (Umm . . . hate to break it to you, Barry. Your best friend is a Fairy Godmother, who wears a loin cloth and a sparkly gold vest. You’re kind of a Total Freak, anyway.) When Sookie asks Barry how long he’s been in Fairyland, he says he “just got there,” a statement we will come to question in just a few more minutes . . .
As the two are talking, Sookie notices that all the fairies are handing out these strange glowing
lotus flowers fruits called Lumineres(?), and all the humans are mindlessly gorging themselves on them. This sends off warning bells in Skeptical Sookie’s head, and she holds on to hers, without taking a bite. Meanwhile, Sookie encounters another familiar face Gary Cole Grandaddy Earl, and, by golly, he hasn’t aged a bit since Sookie last saw him. (Gasp! Maybe he’s a VAMPIRE!)
He did manage to get rid of those pesky squiggly lines around his head though . . .
Granddaddy Earl is SUPER surprised to see Sookie looking all grown-up and sporting boobies, considering he was just at her seventh birthday party. “That was twenty years ago, Grandaddy!” Sookie exclaims.
“HUH!” Grandaddy Earl says. “But I JUST GOT HERE!” (See what I mean? Who KNOWS how long Barry the Bellhop has been hanging out with Conan the Hot-barian?)
Now, if you thought THAT conversation was awkward, wait until you see what Sookie has to tell Grandaddy next . . .
“I’m sorry Granddaddy, but that ugly shirt you’re wearing wasn’t even in style, 20 years ago.”
Granddaddy wants to know if his wife, Adele, had a “PEACEFUL” death . . .
Ummm . . .
“She died peaceful,” replies Sookie. (No sense reopening old bludgeonings, right?)
Considering that Granddaddy Earl, like Sookie, is seemingly capable of mind reading (guess, in the TV series, at least, he is part-fairy too), you would think he might have pulled the above gory image out of Sookie’s brain. But, fortunately, for him, he didn’t. Sookie is able to use their mutual mind-reading powers to tell him that Fairyland is a trap, and that they have to leave. The problem? ALL FAIRIES HEAR WHAT SHE IS THINKING!
Enter the Big Bad Fairy Queen . . .
Her name is Queen Mab . . . like in Shakespeare? (Lame . . . I know.) Anyway, apparently, she’s a little pissed at Sookie for that time when Vampire BEEEL accidentally got stuck in Fairyland, after chasing Sookie there, last season.
Now, she wants to close off the portal between Fairyland and Humanland, so her fairies will finally stop f*&king humans, and making fairy / human hybirds, like Barry, Sookie, and Granddaddy Earl. Oh yeah . . . she’s also keeping the hybrid humans in Fairyland so she can . . . HARVEST THEM?
Well, Sookie, for one, is not down with this harvesting sh*t! And she doesn’t want to eat any stupid
lotus flowers glowing fruit, either. So, she tosses the fruit on the floor. And somehow, this action, causes the TRUE Fairyland to emerge from the Tampon Commercial Version.
When did I stop watching True Blood, and start watching The Walking Dead?
So, fairies are apparently SUPER ugly in real life. And Queen Mab is THE UGLIEST OF ALL!
Coincidentally, this is sort of what I look like in the morning, before I put on my makeup . . .
Sookie shoots her magic glow fingers at Queen Mab, which, oddly enough, considering you would think ALL the fairies had glow fingers, seems to work. Then her and Grandaddy Earl start running away from Fairyland, as the rest of the fairies throw bolts of light in their direction. As they are running they meet Claudine’s brother, Claude, who claims to genuinely want to help them, escape, and keep the portal between HumanLand and Fairyland open. In the books, Claude is described as breathtakingly gorgeous.
Ahhhh . . . did I miss something here?
“Hot” Claude, Granddaddy and Sookie continue to run together until they reach a metaphoric fork in the road . . .
OK . . . maybe it’s not so metaphorical.
Claude tells Sookie that Queen Mab is closing off the portal (possibly for good). So, if Sookie wants out, she’s going to have to jump. And because, ONLY SHE, and NOT Granddaddy Earl refrained from eating the
lotus flower Luminere (?) fruit, she’s going to have to jump alone. Sookie hesitates initially, because . . . well . . . that doesn’t look so safe. But, fortunately, Granddaddy Earl pushes her down the “Rabbit Hole,” ignoring Claude’s warnings, by going along for the ride . . .
As the pair “land” back in the cemetery, both Bill and Eric awaken simultaneously, upon sensing Sookie’s presence on Earth, once again . . .
Wake up, Eric! Your future F*&k Buddy has arrived! (And, no, unfortunately, I’m not talking about myself.)
Sadly for Granddaddy Earl, his decision to leave Fairyland has resulted in his imminent death, but not before he gives Sookie his pocket watch, as a gift for Jason. Earl disappears from Sookie’s life, literally. And she is forced to mourn his passing yet again. It all makes for an odd, strange, and sad first ten minutes of the episode.
But fear not Fangbangers, things are about to get better . . .
Cuff Me, Police Officer Jason! (Preferably to a bed . . . and YOU.)
“You are under arrest. Up against the wall and SPREAD EM!”
Sookie arrives home to find her house all fixed up and fancy. Apparently, it’s undergoing renovations, and the contractor performing them, refuses to believe she LIVES THERE. In fact, he’s so sure she doesn’t that he CALLS THE COPS ON HER ASS. Thinking absolutely nothing of the fact that her HOUSE HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED, Sookie sits down at her kitchen table, reads the inscription from Adele on her grandpa’s pocket watch, and cries, in a manner highly reminiscent of her Season 1 breakdown, after Adele’s funeral.
Then the cops come . . . or should I say the SUPER HOT COP comes . . .
OK . . . now I know that last season, Jason was riding around in cop cars, following Andy around, and genuinely wanting to be a police officer. He even took the cop exam, for crying out loud! But forgive me for thinking that the only time we would ever actually see Jason in a cop uniform would be as a stripper at a bachelorette party . . .
So, color me surprised to find out that Jason (and his SUPER TIGHT POLICE PANTS) has been called to Sookie’s house, while on duty, to investigate a trespassing call. Sookie is pretty shocked too, and even more shocked to learn that Jason PUT HER HOUSE UP FOR SALE, because she’s been gone for TWELVE MONTHS!
Time flies when you’re hanging out with the flipping fairies, I guess! At first, Jason doesn’t exactly believe Sookie’s explanation as to where she’s been all this time. (He’d always kind of been convinced that Bill killed her.) However, Jason eventually comes around when Sookie gives him the pocketwatch from Granddaddy. And suddenly, this show has gone from Tampon Commercial, to The Walking Dead, to Alice in Wonderland, to a Hallmark Commercial, and we aren’t even past the 15-minute mark yet . . .
“This is exhausting! I’m not sure how I’m going to make it through the rest of this episode. You know what would help though? SEX WITH ERIC!”
Speaking of the Beautiful Viking Vampire (and that Other One) . . .
“I Never Gave Up Hope
(that we would some day get to reenact the shower scene from Book 4)“
“Beat it, Beeeeel! This is MY season!”
Sookie’s and Jason’s
kind of maudlin, would be way more interesting if Jason was shirtless during it touching heart-to-heart is rudely interrupted by the arrival of Vampire Bill (a.k.a. Beeeeeeeeel) on her doorstep . . .
Beel is all needy and apologetic. “Oh, how I’ve missed you. I haven’t felt your presence in a year. I’ve been empty without you.
Now, people can finally stop saying I killed you. I’m so sorry I hurt you, blah, blah, blah . . .”
You are putting everybody to sleep, BEEL!
Fortunately, Eric arrives on Sookie’s porch to spice things up . . .
Not yet . . . BUT SOON!
Unlike BEEL, Eric never doubted that Sookie would one day return to
his bed Bon Temps. “I never gave up hope,” he says. “Understand this . . . everyone who claims to love you: your friends, your brother, even Bill Compton, gave up on you. I never did.”
It’s an AWESOME opening speech for Mr. Northman. And Bill can’t help but look guilty as he says it, knowing full well that what he’s saying is true. Even Sookie, though she tries to hide it, seems affected by the speech. Then again, maybe she is just remembering ANOTHER sexually intense encounter she had with Eric on this very same porch, just last year . . .
Enter Andy Bellefleur . . .
He’s EXTREMELY ANGRY at Sookie for wasting Bon Temp’s finest’s time searching for her, while she was presumed dead. Vampire Bill, who’s in the doghouse enough as it is, tries to cover for Sookie, claiming she was away on “Vampire Business” . . .
. . . which only seems to make things worse for both of them. After everybody leaves the porch, Sookie tells Bill that, even though a year has passed in Humanland, little time has passed in Sookiehead. Therefore, the wounds of learning that Bill MANIPULATED SOOKIE INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIM, IN ORDER TO GET HER TO DO QUEEN SOPHIE ANNE’S BIDDING are still quite fresh. Sorry Beel! No more graveyard sex, for you . . .
Also in this scene, we learn that (1) Andy and Jason are now partners; (2) Andy has been taking V for “medicinal” purposes to help heal his broken arm; and (3) he’s apparently developed a nasty addiction to the stuff. After so many seasons of seeing Andy “father” the often naive and immature Jason, it was intriguing to see the tables turned, for a change.
After all, if ANYBODY knows what it’s like to be addicted to V, it’s Jason Stackhouse . . .
Remember the Unfortunate Priapism Incident of Season 1?
Speaking of bromance . . .
Where Old Air Fresheners Go to Die . . .
There’s been somewhat of a mixed response on the message boards, regarding Lafayette’s NEW ‘DO. Some think it’s “super sexy.” I think it makes him look like Mr. T . . .
“I pity the fool, who tries to rock this look.”
A year may have passed. However, Lafayette (or, as I like to call him, My Laffy Taffy . . . or Laffy, for short) and Jesus are still going strong. But trouble for the couple is looming on the horizon, as Jesus becomes increasingly insistent on Laffy “embracing his witchy roots” and joining Jesus’s coven. Lafayette reluctantly agrees to go . . . but only for five minutes. “Ten, if they got drinks,” he adds. (I KNEW I LIKED THIS GUY, FOR A REASON!)
The coven meeting place reminds me of one of those stores in the mall, where they sell bongs, and peace signs t-shirts. It’s dank, and dark, and looks like it smells of incense, mildew, and body odor. The stench of the place emmanates from your television screen. No wonder Lafayette remarks that this is a place where air fresheners go to die . . .
There are hugs all around, as Jesus introduces Lafayette to the rest of the Motley witch crew. One of the coven members, is Holly, who you may remember from last season as the Witchy Waitress who tried to perform a spell to kill Arlene’s unborn Devil Baby. And we all know how well THAT worked out . . .
I sure hope you are better at serving burgers than doing this . . .
The “head” of this coven is a frumpy, doubty, scatterbrained, 50ish coot, named
Aunt Petunia from Harry Potter “Marnie.”
Definitely a Deatheater!
Marnie starts moaning, mumbling, chanting, and pretty much looking like your run-of-the-mill Faux Psychic Carnival Kook. However, things take a turn for the weird / unusual / mildly confusing, when she starts calling out for our Laffy, claiming to be Vampire Eddie from Season 1. She offers Mohawk Man a rose, and pretty much just shamelessly hits on him, in a way that only Vampire Eddie could . . .
Lafayette is understandably freaked out by the whole “Eddie” thing, but still fairly skeptical of Marnie’s Magical Powers. In fact, he’s pretty much convinced that Jesus set up the whole thing. The problem, of course, is that Jesus didn’t know anything about Vampire Eddie.
I don’t guys, if I were you, I’d stick to the Ouiji Board . . .
Speaking of Dangerous Games . . .
Decapitating Barbies, Mutilating Animals, and Other Signs Your Kid Might Be Evil
Arlene comes home from work to find Baby Mikey sitting on the floor amidst a whole boatload of headless Barbie dolls. (How creative?) This only seems to confirm for Arlene that her Baby is Serial Killer Rene Reincarnated.
Terry, who was in the bathroom, while his infant son was busy murdering the entire Mattel family, doesn’t think there is anything wrong with his son’s new hobby. “When I was a kid I used to put squirrel heads on lizards,” he remarks helpfully.
Ummm . . . yeah . . . that’s kind of /sort of A LOT WORSE than pulling the heads off Barbie dolls, isn’t it?
It’s always the quiet ones you have to worry about. (Then again, maybe it’s just the quiet ones, who come with Warning Labels.)
I must admit, I laughed uproariously when Terry told Arlene that her baby HAD to be good, if it had part of HER DNA in it. Really, Terry? Because, last I checked, Arlene was a pretty darn awful person . . . racist, self-absorbed, narrow-minded, obnoxious, a kind of lousy mom . . . Do I need to continue? At least, Rene was SMART. (I mean he faked that really cool accent for an entire season, didn’t he?)
Speaking of taking heads off ladies . . .
Tara Thornton Kicks Ass, Takes Names . . . Changes Teams?
After having been beaten down by her own mother, possessed by a maenad, emotionally destroyed by the death of her first love, and abused by Crazy Train Vampire Franklin . . .
. . . Tara kind of went off the rails a bit, at the end of Season 3. The last time we saw her, she had chopped off all her hair, and was heading out of Bon Temps to Parts Unknown. When we see Tara again, she is fighting in a cage match, and beating the stuffing out of some chick named Naomi.
Apparently, all this beating is a HUGE turn on for Tara (yeah, because THAT’S not unhealthy at all), because, in the next scene, we see her making out hard core with SAME girl she was beating senseless before . . .
While the pair are making out, some drunk pervy creeper in a long trench coat, propositions them for sex. Naomi wants to immediately kick his ass, but TARA STOPS HER, and calmly tells the guy off.
For me, the fact that Tara is able to calmly talk to ANYBODY is WAY more shocking than her newfound interest in the ladies. In a later sex scene between the two toned chicas, we learn that Tara has lied to Naomi about her past. She now goes by the androgynous name of “Toni,” and claims to hail from Atlanta. After Lafayette texts her to let her know that Sookie is back in town, she fibs to Naomi that her grandmother just died. Then, when Naomi tells her she should go “home” to be with her family, Tara refuses, arguing that she is better off where she is now. She then returns to the task of fondling Naomi’s large (but miraculously still perky) boobs . . .
How to Make an Omelete – Vampire Style
The Honeymoon Period is clearly over for lovebirds, Hoyt and Jess. She seems bored and listless. He’d rather hug creepy bald dolls in front of the television after work, than have sex with his hot vampire girlfriend. Hoyt complains to Jessica that there is never any food in the house, because she never cooks for him. As someone who’s idea of “cooking,” is poking a hole in the plastic wrap on my Lean Cuisine, before popping it in the microwave, I’m TOTALLY on Team Jess for this one.
It is seriously not fair, how flawless she looks. It makes the rest of us females look like . . . Queen Mab.
Jess reminds Hoyt that, as a vampire, she finds food gross, and, oddly enough, dead. To her, going to the Piggly Wiggly is like going to the morgue. (I’d probably feel that way too, if my local grocery store was actually called the Piggly Wiggly.) Hoyt responds with, what I think, is an unnecessarily low blow, by telling her that he thinks her biting him and sucking his blood is equally gross, but he deals with it.
OK Hoyt . . . just so we’re clear . . . getting love bites from your supermodel girlfriend is SEXY AS HELL, and don’t you forget it!
Nonetheless, Jessica responds by agreeing to make Hoyt some scrambled eggs. And by “make some scrambled eggs,” I mean she angrily breaks an entire carton of eggs over a frying pan (making sure to leave in all the shells), stirs it furiously, and plops it on a plate in front of her honey. Now, I’ve been mad at Hoyt for the past few minutes. But he earns major points for me by ACTUALLY EATING THE SLOP off his plate!
The brazen stunt must have won points with Jess too, because, before you know it, the two are laughing uproariously over the broken eggs.
“Am I the only one who finds that personally offensive?”
In other Diplomacy News . . .
“We always look forward to serving humans . . . and I don’t mean for dinner.”
Apparently, Russell Edgington has gone and given Southern vampires a bad name. Gee, I wonder why . . .
Head of the Vampire council, Nan Flanaghan, is determined to do some damage control, and that means requiring prominent vampires in the community to reassure humans that they will not punch their fists through their back, and rip out their hearts, just because THEY CAN.
Nan puts Pam on camera first. However, since the latter isn’t exactly Miss Congeniality, the PSA comes off as a bit stale and phony. (By the way, anyone notice a bit of love/hate sexual tension between Pam and Nan? I’m sensing a hookup later this season!) Fortunately, Nan has other ideas, regarding how to put a better “face” on vampirism. “He’s who I want,” remarks Nan, pointing at Eric. (Don’t we all, Nan. Don’t we all!)
With a boatload of confidence and a sexy swagger to boot, Eric playfully removes Pam’s microphone from her neck, flicks her hair, and takes her place on the hot seat . . .
Eric expertly plays to the masses, calling himself a taxpaying small business owner (not a politician), who understands humans, because he used to be one. He then promises to continue to serve humans at Fangtasia . . . but not for dinner. It’s a great speech, and Eric’s sexy smile at the end, seals the deal. How ANYBODY could hate vampires, after spending three minutes staring at Eric Northman’s face is beyond me. (I couldn’t even remember my name, by the time he was done.)
Meanwhile, Vampire Bill was making a similar stump speech for the older, more conservative crowd, in Bon Temps. His speech, appealed to their sense of history, their fear of change, and their desire to stick to the status quo. It was Southern Gentleman Bill at his
most boring best. One not-so-old person who seemed to genuinely enjoy Vampire Bill’s speech was Portia Bellefleur. Andy’s sister just so happens to be a local attorney, and head of the chamber of commerce. Throughout the entire speech, she was eye f*&king Vampire Bill so hard, I thought she would give birth to vampire babies right there in the audience.
“Oooh . . . tell me more about the Civil War, Vampire Bill! It is SO SEXY!”
Our suspicions about a possible romantic involvement between Portia and Bill are confirmed, when Portia meets with Sookie later to help her get her house back from the company that has been prepping it for sale. During the conversation, Sookie reads Portia’s thoughts, and they are basically one continuous string of “BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEL.”
To each her own, I guess . . .
Speaking of men, who may have temporarily moved on from trying to get into Sookie Stackhouse’s panties . . .
Sam Merlotte – Mad Like a Bull, Hung Like a Horse
Over at Merlotte’s everyone is thrilled about Sookie’s return . . . except Sam. He’s just PISSED. We find him griping at Poor Sookie, about how selfish she was for, you know, almost dying and stuff. (Granted, Bill’s dumb as dogsh*t “Vampire Business” excuse hasn’t put Sookie in the best light. But STILL . . . Girlfriend’s been gone for a year. Pull your thong out of your ass, Sam!) “A lot has changed around here, since you’ve been gone,” whines Sam.
“Yeah, you’ve gotten a lot more prickly,” replies Sookie.
As it turns out, a lot HAS changed in Sam’s life since he SHOT HIS HALF BROTHER in a drunken rage, last season . . .
Tommy Boy is now permanently disabled . . . has a TERRIBLE Elvis Presley Haircut . . . and currently lives with . . . MAXINE FORTENBERRY?
A lot of people thought the union of Maxine and Tommy was weird, and kind of creepy. It ABSOLUTELY IS! However, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense.
Maxine is a woman who doesn’t feel whole, if she doesn’t have a boy in her life to baby and boss around. Now that her son Hoyt has up and left her for Jessica, Maxine is in desperate need of a surrogate son. Enter Tommy, an illiterate disabled kid, from a broken home, who can’t read, and can’t take care of himself. He’s Maxine’s dream come true! From Tommy’s perspective, all he’s ever really wanted in life was acceptance and shelter, anyway. It’s why he stuck by his trailer trash parents for as long as he did, and why he put up with all Sam’s emotionally abusive B.S.
Sure, Maxine Fortenberry is an overbearing, narrow-minded, prejudiced biatch, with no qualms about talking about Tushy Cushions in a public area, but she’s all Tommy has, right now . . . Of course, the minute Maxine finds out Tommy is a shapeshifter, in love with a vampire, she will probably kick him to the curb. But for now, they are just one big happy family.
And yet, seeing Tommy with Maxine only serves to piss off Sam (who, more or less, created this situation) even more. This is part of the reason Sam attends “anger management” with a group of people who all just so happen to be shapeshifters. They meet up once a week, drink, talk about their problems, and . . . TURN INTO STALLIONS?
One of the members of this “group” just so happens to be school teacher, Luna, who Sam was eyeballing and smirking at the ENTIRE scene . . . Yep, we all know where THIS is going . . .
Witchcraft is for the Birds . . .
Lafayette is having a bad day. A V-ed up Andy Bellefleur just physically accosted him, looking for vampire blood on “official police business,” not realizing that Laffy doesn’t deal anymore. Fortunately, Jason was there to rescue our boy from getting his ass kicked. But the loyal police partner insisted that Lafayette not breathe a word of Bellefleur’s obvious drug addiction to ANYONE.
So, our hero decides to chill out with a nice fun-filled evening of hokey witchcraft. This week, Marnie’s bird, Minerva (McGonagal?) has died . . .
She wants the witchy crew to help send Minerva’s spirit to heaven (or whatever version of the Great Beyond thte Wiccans believe in). She starts off chanting a very PC- funeral-esque type prayer for Minerva. But then, something comes over her, and the words of the prayer change. Now, she no longer wants to send the bird’s soul into the great beyond. She now aims to BRING IT BACK TO LIFE!
The witches in the circle all look a bit confused, and freaked out. Nevertheless, they comply with their “leader’s” wishes . . . all except Lafayette, who would much rather be home dancing . . .
When she notices that he is not participating, Marnie screams at Lafayette to join in. Eventually, he does . . .
Then, it happens. The bird comes BACK TO LIFE . . . for about 6 seconds . . . and . . . it dies again. (
Kind of like Granddaddy Earl.)
“I’m sorry that after all that trouble you went to, your bird is still dead,” Lafayette offers politely.
“It doesn’t matter,” says Marnie callously.
“Yeah, real nice, MARNIE! You’ll be sorry! I’ll get you, my witchy . . . and your Little Laffy Taffy TOO!”
After the witchy meeting, one of the witches, heads to a newly renovated Vampire Bill’s house to report on what has been happening at the coven meetings. (Ooh . . . an undercover witch . . . I like it). She’s all sweet and super polite to him, referring to him as “Majesty.” At first, I thought it was just a term of endearment.
“Your Majesty is the name I like to call my weiner.”
But based on next week’s previews, it’s much more than that. You see, BILL COMPTON IS APPARENTLY THE KING OF LOUISIANA!
Does that mean Queen Sophie Anne DIED in her battle with Bill at the end of last season?
Tune in next week to find out . . .
Speaking of mutiny . . .
What Every Woman Wants for Christmas: Jason Stackhouse in a Box
I thought martyrs got to be shirtless . . .
When we last left the inbred, meth head, werepanther, community of hotshot, the police force had just shot their leader Calvin Norris. Crystal begged her new beau Jason to save these dirty uneducated freaks, so he decided to become their leader.
Oh, Jason, you can do SO much better!
Except, eventually some time during the course of the year, the “leader” became more of an “absentee landlord,” dropping by every so often to give the community food, and the bare necessities of life. While making one of his weekly dropoffs, Jason learns that the ONE COOLER in the entire community is broken. But when he goes to investigate, one of the older Hotshot Kids bashes Jason over the head with a tire iron, and LOCKS HIM IN THE COOLER!
NOT COOL INBRED KID! No one puts my Jason on ice, without
taking his clothing off first answering to ME!
Meanwhile, over at Fangtasia . . .
Pam and Jessica – Bathroom Buddies For Life
After the Great Egg Fight of 2011, Jess and Hoyt decide to cut loose at the local vampire bar. Admittedly, Jess is a bit better at “cutting loose” than Hoyt . . .
Remind you of anyone?
While Hoyt is at the bar getting Jess a drink, a VERY SEXY ADMIRER approaches, and hits on Jess the way ONLY men who KNOW they are super attractive can . . .
HELLO RANDY WAYNE!
Super Cute Fangbanger offers Jess his body and his blood, in no uncertain terms. Jess loyally turns the guy down, telling him that she has a boyfriend, but you can tell she’s a bit reluctant about doing so. Super Cute Fangbanger can tell too, which is why he continues to eye f*&k Jess, while she dances with Hoyt.
The eyef*&king gets Jess SO hot and bothered that she has to escape to the bathroom to keep from jumping at Super Cute Fangbangers neck. Ever the pot-stirrer, Pam follows Jess to the bathroom, under the pretense of concern for her well being. “We were worried about you . . . not really,” she snarks.
Pam then proceeds to call Jessica out on the part SHE has been playing in the eye-f*&king with Super Cute Fangbanger. In a decidedly ANTI-PAPA BILL moment, Pam encourages Jessica to escape from “married life” with Hoyt, and start to embrace her vampire hunter instincts, before she explodes. Jessica responds by basically telling Pam she’s jealous that Jess has found love and she hasn’t, before storming out of the bathroom. This is Pam’s response . . .
And finally . . .
“YOU ARE MINE!”
What follows of course, is my FAVORITE scene in the entire premiere episode, for a few reasons:
(1) it involves Sookie and Eric (duh);
(2) it is EXTREMELY EROTIC;
(3) it involves Eric outsmarting Sookie (always a treat); and
(4) it reminds me of one of my favorite scenes from ANOTHER well-known vampire show . . .
Basically, what I’m saying is that I like when hot guys sneak into my bedroom late at night, and dangle long objects in front of me . . . and all that statement implies.
We see Sookie in her bedroom, fresh out of the shower, and clad in her bathrobe. She turns, sighs, and lets it fall from her body . . .
Well, that’s one way to keep your room clean. Ladies and gentleman, Eric Northman has entered the building!
I think my FAVORITE part of the scene (even better than the key-dangling part, which I will get to in a bit), is the growl / groan of arousal Eric makes upon seeing Sookie’s naked form for the first time. He remarks on what a strange, yet satisfying, sensation it is to know that his nightly dreams of her body measure up to the reality.
Though she would clearly like to be, Sookie is clearly not immune to Eric’s charms. Anna Paquin portrays Sookie perfectly here, as a woman who is simultaneously, aroused, repulsed, confused, and frightened by the Viking Vampire in her home . . . but IS IT HER HOME?
Sookie, at first, wonders whether she is dreaming, but realizes that she can’t be, as, after a year, Eric’s blood is no longer in her system (which, doesn’t exactly explain, how BOTH Bill and Eric were able to use their blood bond with Sookie to pinpoint the exact time of her return to Earth). The obvious next question, of course, is how Eric managed to enter Sookie’s house, considering the last time he was there she had rescinded his invitation.
“You don’t own this house, anymore . . . I own it . . . which means I also own YOU,” Eric explains, detailing how his certainty that Sookie would one day return to Bon Temps influenced him to make this purchase.
Eric is IMPRESSED.
I mentioned Anna Paquin’s acting skills in this scene, but Alexander Skarsgard’s are notable here too. The way he looks at Sookie with complete desire, intermingled with smugness over finally having the upper hand in their relationship, and confidence in the disarming effect he is having over her, is Pure Panty-Dropping Perfection. Add to that the surprising vulnerability of the words he utters next, “You don’t have power over me, anymore,” (which, implies, of course, that she HAD power over him, to begin with, and undoubtedly still does) . . . and . . . well . . . I think I just became pregnant.
Of course, I would be remiss if I didn’t end this story, by cluing you in to Eric’s FINAL words to Sookie, the ones we have been waiting to hear him say to her for an entire year . . . the words that Vampire Bill says ALL THE TIME, but somehow they are SO MUCH SEXIER when Eric says them . . .
Wait for it . . .
And there you have it, my fellow Fangbangers, the very first True Blood episode of the fourth season. So . . . don’t leave me hanging . . . TELL ME YOUR THOUGHTS!