I’ll be the first to admit that sometimes I get a bit over-excited when images of Naked Damon appear on my television screen. For example, this evening, I was just minding my own business, watching the TVD Season Premiere, when the above picture popped up before me. Then THIS happened . . .
Dammit! It is REALLY inconvenient to have your head fall off, when you are trying to watch a show! You know, if Stefan hadn’t come by to “put me back together,” I would never have been able to write this recap!
Well, hello Fangbangers! It has been WAY too long, since I’ve had the opportunity to spend an evening with you! I mean, I can’t believe how long it has been, since I used this picture in a recap . . .
Actually, I’m pretty sure, I just used this a couple of days ago . . .
Fortunately, tonight’s TVD Season Premiere MORE than made up for the criminally lengthy summer hiatus, by giving us fangbanging fangirls (and fanboys) everything we could POSSIBLY want in a new TVD episode.
I mean, think about it, there was a kickass keg party, Delena, obligatory nudity,
Delena, SUPER HOT Forwood sex, Delena, homoeroticism galore, Delena, bloody bites and kills, Klaus antics, Ripper Stefan, Delena, people getting REALLY REALLY high and wasted on prime time TV, Delena, Team Bad Ass, Delena cool special guest stars, Delena, a massive cliffhanger, and did I mention Delena?
So lather up, My Lovelies, and break out your dancing shoes . . . because SOMEONE in Mystic Falls is about to turn LEGAL!
And it’s NOT Katherine . . . because she turned legal about 485 years ago . . .
(By the way, special thanks to my good pal Andre, who has created all the fabulous screencaps you see here. It’s a tough job poring over all those sexy scantily-clad bodies, for hours on end . . . But SOMEBODY has to do it . . .)
Always End Your
Life Evening, With a “Little Southern Hospitality” . . .
“Why are you doing this to me? Haven’t you read my blog? I’m TEAM KLAUS!”
Word to the wise, ladies . . . if a stranger shows up in your backyard, and feels the need to tell you that he’s “not a serial killer,” there’s a really good chance he wears women’s lingerie for fun, and has enough dead bodies in his closet to put on a stage production of “A Chorus Line.”
“Hey, I resemble that remark.”
What better way to kickstart a season than with a gruesome double homicide? I mean, come on . . . even if we HADN’T seen this Random Anonymous Girl’s head tumble off her bloody body in the trailers, we’d know she was a goner, the minute she stepped outside to retrieve her absentee dog, for one simple reason: WE’VE NEVER SEEN HER BEFORE!
Though, I must say, to Random Anonymous Girl’s credit (hereinafter “RAG #1”), she was a heck of a lot smarter than the First Kills in most horror films. Consider this . . . Despite the fact that Klaus was ridiculously charming, with his faux Southern accent, and his lame, but oddly adorable, story about how his car broke down up the road, RAG#1 was not about to voluntarily let this stranger into her house. NO SIR!
“Aren’t you even the least bit curious what a True Hybrid’s Weiner looks like?”
Though RAG #1 is polite enough to let Klausipoo use her cell phone to call for a tow truck, since his phone is conveniently “out of juice,” she insists on bringing it outside to him, rather than letting him “come and get it,” himself. Klaus complains that this is not what he considers “Southern Hospitality.” (The house in question is located in Tennessee.) But RAG #1 isn’t Southern. She’s from FLORIDA . . . land of Oranges . . . Mickey Mouse . . . and people who don’t invite psychos into their homes, for no good reason.
“Suck it, Were Vamp!”
But, you see, here’s the problem with the whole “Vampires can’t enter homes unless invited” rule . . . Unless you are wearing your Trusty Vervain Necklace, a good vampire can MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING HE WANTS, including INVITE HIM INTO YOUR HOUSE. So, you’re pretty much screwed either way, as RAG#1 quickly learns . . .
Inside the house, we meet RAG#2, who’s just as sassy as RAG#1, and just as unwilling to be hospitable to the Poor Unfortunate Klaus . . .
“I’m not Southern either. I’m from the Bronx, B*TCH!”
But it turns out, there’s a method to Klaus’ madness. After all, he happens to know that RAG #1 and RAG#2 have a third roommate . . . a WEREWOLF ROOMMATE . . . one who comes home once a month to “go through his changes” in the basement. At first, RAG#2 tries to cover for her wolfy friend. However, as soon as it becomes apparent that Klausipoo won’t take no for an answer, she eventually gives up the goods.
And that’s when Stefan comes in . . .
“Mind if I borrow a cup of sugar?”
You see, the Original Were Vamp, is just too Big and Powerful to be bothered with such petty insignificant tasks as MURDERING PEOPLE, so he has his new boyfriend do the dirty work for him. But Klaus isn’t completely heartless. He rewards RAG#1’s “kindness,” by instructing Stefan to give her a faster, less painful, death than RAG#2. (How sweet?) Then, he gleefully skips off to his car (which, is in total working order, by the way), while Mini Me finishes the job . . .
HOTTEST . . . DEATH . . . SCENE . . . EVER!
Uh oh! It looks like SOMEONE needs a bib . . .
Always Start Your Morning, By Washing Your “Baby Elephant” . . .
“My, how you have grown, Little Brother . . . (and I’m not talking about your height).”
From Tennessee, we head back to Mystic Falls, where Mopey Sad Emo Music is playing, while Mopey Sad Elena stares out the window, longing for her long lost Hungry Hungry Hippo of a Boyfriend . . .
*sigh* “I’m so sad and lonely. I haven’t had sex,
since Damon screwed my brains out, two nights ago ALL SUMMER. I wonder if it’s possible for one’s hymen to grow back, from lack of use . . .”
But don’t feel too bad for Elena. There is hope for her, yet! After all, she is wearing her Trusty Ponytail. And whenever Ponytail Elena comes to town, fun times are never far behind . . .
It becomes apparent that, in Useless Aunt Jenna’s absence, Elena has assumed the “motherly” role in the Gilbert household. Immediately upon waking, Elena heads to a Holy-Crap-When-Did-He-Get-So-Buff, Almost-Death-Definitely-Becomes-Him Jeremy’s bedroom to wake him up for his new job at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Vicki Anna my Bon Bon has given me a Bone Bone . . .”
Elena then heads downstairs to help Couch Surfing
Chunky Monkey Alchy-ric make some coffee, as she chats on the phone with an overly perky Caroline, who, despite it obviously still being very early in the morning, is already laden down with shopping bags. (Because, even though Mystic Falls only has one bar / social establishment, it is somehow awash in shopping malls.)
“Is this where you pour the vodka?”
Since Caroline is meeting Future Sex Toy Tyler for Lunch, she doesn’t have much time to talk to the birthday girl. So, she simply reminds her about the evenings party plans, and instructs her to call Lizard Forbes, who, apparently has a new tip for her about Stefan’s possible whereabouts.
So, of course, Ponytail Elena has to head directly to DAMON’S BEDROOM to tell him all about it, right? (hint, hint, wink, wink) Unfortunately, for her, though, Damon isn’t there alone . . . He’s got a LADY FRIEND with him . . . one that might look a bit familiar to some of you.
ME! IT”S ME! No it’s not. 😦 But, I wish it was . . .
“I’m BAAAACK! (For another twenty minutes, anyway.)”
So, remember how last season, Damon compelled Andie to go away, and never come back, when he got too overwhelmed with his feelings for Elena to continue the Crazy Compulsion Charade, he had going on with a certain local newscaster? Yeah, well, so much for that. Now, she’s back to wandering around La Casa de Rich and Awesome, like she owns the place, and commenting about Damon’s Bad Champagne Breakfast Habits, while he bathes in his Teeny Tiny Tub. (Champagne Breakfast? What happened to the Bourbon Breakfast?)
Chicks dig champagne. Bourbon is for the bros, yo!
Then again, the fact that Andie is able to sass Damon the way that she does in this scene — even going as far as to say that she is “not his slave” (Oh, if only she knew!) — illustrates that our Bad Boy may finally be growing up . . . orrrr . . . maybe not . . .
Immediately, upon hearing Elena enter his bedroom, Damon struts toward her, in all his naked glory, not so subtly giving her a peek at the Baby Elephant (
with the massively LONG trunk) responsible for blowing bubbles all over his unmentionables . . .
“Here’s looking at YOU, Ponytail Elena.”
Elena tries to carry on a conversation with Damon about Stefan’s possible whereabouts, but, honestly, she seems a bit distracted . . . And how could she not be when that Baby Elephant keeps waving his trunk at her, begging her to come and play . . .
“Not now, Little Elephant . . . I’m busy . . .”
“Damon, we really have to find . . .
you’re weiner . . . sooo big . . . must . . . touch . . . ummm . . . wait . . .What was I saying?”
“Hey Elena, my eyes are up here!”
Damon initially blows off Elena’s Hot Tip from Lizard Forbes About Stefan’s Whereabouts, claiming that it will probably be another stale lead, just like all the rest. And yet, after she leaves, we see him put the piece of paper containing the tip on a BIG ASS STALKER BOARD in his closet, which is completely FILLED with similar “Where in the World is Stefan Salvatore?” clues. Apparently, he, Andie, and Alaric have been on the case, all summer, without Elena’s knowledge. And you just KNOW Ponytail Elena is not going to like that ONE BIT, when she finds out . . .
Meanwhile, over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Come to The Mystic Grill: Where the Food’s So Good, Even the Dead Can’t Stay Away . . .
“Oh crap! I’m starting to itch. I think Ghost Vicki just gave me Ghost Crabs.”
“I’m sorry about that. I think I got them from this guy named Casper. They don’t call him the ‘Friendly Ghost’ for nothing.”
Newly Buff Jeremy is hanging out in the kitchen at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, chatting on the phone with his BonBon . . .
She apparently, spent the summer somewhere elsewhere
(Hogwarts, perhaps?), though I’m honestly not sure where she would go, considering her grandma is already dead, and I’ve come to the conclusion that she doesn’t actually have parents.
Speaking of BonBon and JerBear, have you ever noticed that HALF of their relationship takes place on technological devices, like Skype and the iPhone? How NERDY is that? Even if Jeremy WASN’T hanging out with his dead ex-girlfriends all the time, I would take this as a BAD SIGN for the future of their relationship. I mean, cyber sex is fun and all. But it doesn’t exactly keep you warm at night, if you catch my drift . . .
“I’m magically sending you
a blow job sex vibes through the phone, JerBear . . .”
Jeremy apparently, hasn’t gotten around to telling Bonnie about his Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past, probably because (1) it’s pretty much HER FAULT that he’s seeing them in the first place (That’s what happens when you piss off Dead Witches, by asking them for help every five minutes); and (2) he doesn’t want her to feel guilty . . . or jealous.
Enter Matt the Grouch, who’s insisting that Jeremy take over his section, because he doesn’t want to serve
soon-to-be lovebirds his former best friend Tyler, or his former girlfriend, Caroline, who are eyef*cking eachother so intensely at their table, that baby werevamps may very well be inches away from popping out of Caroline’s vampire uterus . . .
“Harder . . . harder Tyler, yes!”
“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”
Blatant eyesex aside, Caroline just CAN’T, for the life of her, understand why Tyler’s MOTHER would possibly think the two of them are DATING? I mean, what on EARTH would give her THAT idea . . .
practically f*&king together all the time, Caroline. It’s not much of a leap,” explains Tyler with smirk, mixed with naughty thoughts, adoration, and longing.
As seems to be the norm on this show, we once again have a male character who’s caught on to the extent of his romantic feelings, more quickly than his female counterpart. And the fact that a formerly, Wham Bam, Thank You Random Slut guy like Tyler loves Caroline enough, that he’s willing to spend the entire summer in the Supposed Friend Zone, just for the opportunity to be close to her, says an awful lot about how far he’s come since Season 1 . . .
Speaking of a couple who are trying to deny that they have the hots for one another, let’s check back in on Klaus and Stefan, shall we?
“Come with me, Stefan . . . on a magical journey
into my pants.”
We’re Not in Seventh Heaven Anymore . . .
“Hey there, Stefan. Can I just tell you, I’m a huge fan. And I’m so honored to get to be a guest star on this wonderful show. Wait. . . you want me to WHAT? STAND STILL, AND HAVE DARTS THROWN REPEATEDLY AT MY HEAD AND OTHER UNMENTIONABLE PARTS OF MY BODY? That’s not cool! Can’t I be the guy who has sex with Caroline, instead?”
So, apparently, that werewolf who Klaus and Stefan have been looking for all summer has a name, and that name is Ray. Unfortunately, for “Ray,” I’m just going to call him Seventh Heaven Guy, because that’s who he will forever be to me . . .
Seriously, don’t you want to just pinch his cute little face right off? (I know Stefan does . . .)
Apparently, Klaus has been having a REALLY difficult time finding werewolves to join his Little Werevamp Club, considering Stefan and Co. killed most of them, last season. Seventh Heaven Guy seems like his only viable option. So, Klaus would really like the hairy blonde to take him to his
“Hey, don’t I know you from that TV show with the guy from Teen Wolf, and the girl who dated Justin Timberlake?”
Watching Klaus and Stefan attempt to “negotiate” with Seventh Heaven Guy, you really start to get a sense of their “team dynamic.” Sure, Stefan is technically “working” for Klaus, but there’s also a little bit of a Mutual Admiration Society going on here. While Klaus acts as the Brains and the Mouthpiece of the Operation, Stefan stands beside him as the Silent Enforcer, patiently waiting to strike the pair’s next unwitting victim. In some sense, this makes Stefan more frightening than Klaus, because you never really know what’s going on behind those cold, hungry eyes of his . . .
Another interesting thing about this NEW incarnation of Stefan, he KICKS ASS at compulsion. Back in the first two seasons of the show, we almost NEVER saw Stefan compel anybody. That was always more Damon’s bag. There were a couple of reasons for this. The first, was that, while on his bunny diet, Stefan didn’t have the strength to be particularly successful at compulsion.
He MAY have compelled the bunnies, though . . .
The second was that Stefan was always “the good brother.” And “good brothers” don’t mind control . . .
And yet, here, we learn that Ripper Stefan has compelled an ENTIRE BAR not to help Seventh Heaven Guy, while he is being tortured! Now, that’s impressive . . .
Almost as impressive as a Double De-Hearting. (We miss you, Elijah!)
Speaking of compulsion, Seventh Heaven Guy claims he can’t be compelled, which is interesting, to say the least. Is Seventh Heaven Guy on vervain, or is there something about werewolves (like Tyler) that makes them immune to compulsion? Klaus was able to compel the girls in the first scene, but it is uncertain whether those two were ACTUALLY werewolves, or just friends with one. (I’m assuming the latter, since Klaus would have probably wanted them as part of his army TOO, if they were the former.)
Anywhoo . . . Stefan decides to elicit the whereabouts of his pack from Seventh Heaven Guy, by playing a little game called Truth or Wolfsbane. However, he ends up just randomly throwing darts at his head . . . which shouldn’t be funny, but TOTALLY IS!
I wonder how much harder you have to throw a dart to get it to stick in someone’s brain, like that. Surely, that should be worth extra points, don’t you think?
Reverend Camden would NOT approve . . .
While he’s retrieving his darts from Seventh Heaven Guy’s face, we see a little glimpse of Stefan’s old humanity, when he overhears Klaus talking to a random bar wench about how Damon is following him, and must be stopped. Though Stefan promises to “take care” of his brother, you can tell, based on the expression on his face, that he also wants to protect him from falling into Klaus’ clutches. Klaus, slyly accepts Stefan’s offer, and turns his attention back to Seventh Heaven Guy, who has finally given him the information he needs.
Klaus then lays Seventh Heaven Guy, Jesus-Style, on a dirty bar table . . .
Once he’s got him in this precarious position, Klaus proceeds to indoctrinate Seventh Heaven Guy into his Big Happy Werevamp family, by feeding him his blood . . .
It sure beats Breast Feeding!
. . . and KILLING HIM!
So, basically, after the first Were Vamp is formed, via sacrifice, subsequent were vamps can be formed pretty much in the same way regular vampires are, except they have to drink a HYBRID’S blood, instead of just a regular vampires. Of course, this begs the question about the OTHER two individuals who drank Klaus’ blood (Damon and Katherine), who were ALREADY undead when they drank. Could THEY turn into were-vamps too?
Hmmm . . . I wonder . . .
Meanwhile, elsewhere in Tennessee (because, apparently, it’s like really close to Mystic Falls, Virginia . . . or something) . . .
Have Blood, Will Travel . . .
Stefan Salvatore: Turning Girls into Mr. Potato Head, One Dismembered Body Part at a Time . . .
“Hey Alaric, up for a game of soccer?”
Alaric and Damon arrive at RAG #1 and RAG #2’s house to find the two girls just chilling on the couch, waiting for Team Badass to arrive. Then one of them gets so excited at the prospect of seeing Damon, that she loses her head. (Wouldn’t you?) Having spent eternity with his brother, Damon immediately recognizes this as Stefan’s Signature Kill. Apparently, Ripper Stefan gets so hungry while he’s eating that he blacks out, and forgets what he’s doing . . .
Then, he wakes up, and feels guilty. So, he decides to reassemble all the body parts he previously ripped / ate off. How chivalrous of him . . . but also kind of dull. I mean, why just reattach the SAME head, to the SAME body, when you could MIX AND MATCH?
Psychopath Cannibal FAIL!
Being the dutiful big bro, Damon kindly torches the house, to protect Stefan’s . . . umm . . . reputation or something? (Then again, perhaps, he just knew RAG #1 and RAG#2 had a solid fire insurance policy?)
“It really is a shame to put this good head to waste.”
Speaking of getting and giving head . . .
“I hope you get lucky, tonight!”
“You STOLE my balls, Care! Give them back (or else, I’ll come over there and take them, by force)”
Oh my goodness! How WHIPPED is Tyler, that he actually allowed himself to get roped in to HELPING Caroline and Elena set up for the party? (Caroline is officially my HERO!) Elena mentions to her friends that she doesn’t think Damon is trying hard enough to find Stefan, at which point, Tyler can’t help but add his own two cents. “Maybe he doesn’t WANT to find him? I mean . . . he’s into you, right? And you kissed him? You probably messed with his head!”
Now, I gotta say, as misplaced and inappropriate as that comment was (and we’ll get to that, in just a bit), Tyler has a point here! Elena’s declaration that her smooch with Damon was a “goodbye kiss, without the “goodbye,” seems more than a little convenient, in light of recent events. OF COURSE, it’s going to have an impact on Damon’s psyche that the woman he loves FINALLY made out with him, dying or not . . . Then again, Damon IS, unbeknownst to Elena, searching for his brother, anyway . . . so, perhaps, he’s just a bit more “evolved” than Tyler, who, as an only child (LIKE ME!) might not be able to quite grasp the notion of Brotherly Love . . .
Speaking of LOVE, Caroline is NOT TOO PLEASED with Tyler’s little gossipy comment . . .
And I have to say, while I think it’s adorable that Caroline and Tyler have become close enough “girlfriends,” that Caroline feels free to gossip with him about stuff like this, if I was Elena, I’d be none too pleased with my best friend for sharing my PRIVATE SECRETS with her soon-to-be boyfriend. Elena doesn’t seem too upset by it, though . . . which is oddly, un-Elena-like of her, don’t you think? (Perhaps, the PONYTAIL has something to do with that?)
“My ponytail doesn’t care about secrets. It just wants to
f*ck Damon senseless PARTY!”
Speaking of boundaries, Caroline and Tyler, not only don’t seem to have them with Elena, they clearly don’t have any with ONE ANOTHER either. Observe the candid nature of the pair’s conversation about Tyler’s decision to bring, “Slutty Sophie” (as Caroline calls her) to Elena’s party. After all, Tyler explains, he’s pretty much been in a DRY SPELL, ALL SUMMER, because he’s spent most it painting Caroline’s toenails and braiding her hair, rather than getting himself laid . . .
Tyler’s not the only one who’s sexually frustrated. Caroline’s crazed for weiner, as well! And though the pair both chalk their newfound sexual urges up to “supernatural emotions,” I’d venture to guess it has much more with their both being victim to “normal teenage hormones” . . . not to mention the fact that they are . . . “both secretly in love with one another.” 😉
BAM . . . look who just got impregnated.
Elsewhere, on the OVERWHELMING SEXUAL TENSION front . . .
“It’s Your Party, and You’ll
Almost Kiss Damon Cry if You Want To.”
DAMON: “I’m going to pretend that I’m having trouble putting on your necklace, so that I can continue to blow on your neck, and sexily massage your shoulders.”
ELENA: “And I’m going to lean backwards exaggeratedly, thereby making it much easier for you to ‘accidentally’ fondle my breasts.”
Elena is in Stefan’s room, for a change, getting ready for her party, when she sees Damon watching her through the mirror. Though the Petrova Doppelganger is clearly, teary and emotional, she ruefully promises not to cry before they cut the cake. “Hey, it’s your party, you can cry if you want to,” Damon jokes, with just the right amount of concern, sympathy, and lightheartedness . . .
Damon notices a picture of Stefan and Elena on the dresser, immediately understands the effect it being their must have on Elena (Remember he TOO, is no stranger to pining for potentially lost causes.), and gently gripes about what a pack rat Stefan has become. (This of course, is another difference between the brothers, since, aside from that MASSIVE SOAP DISH, Damon’s bedroom / bathroom suite is comparatively minimalist.)
“Oh for Heaven sake! Will you STOP bringing up the Soap Dish?”
The fact that Damon chose to “re-gift” to Elena the vervain necklace she had first received from Stefan to protect herself from DAMON, of all people, was incredibly sweet and meaninful. Not only did it illustrate Damon’s understanding of Elena’s feelings for Stefan, it also called to mind the evolution of the DELENA RELATIONSHIP. After all, these two have a quite extensive history with that necklace . . . For starters, there was the time back in Season 1, where Elena willingly took off the vervain necklace, to show Damon that he could trust her (and that she had come to trust him).
And, of course, who could forget the time Damon returned Elena’s necklace to her, in Season 2, only AFTER telling her that he loved her, for the first time, and compelling her to forget it . . .
I love how Elena ASKED Damon to put the necklace on for her, as opposed to the other way around. I also love the way they stood in the mirror, after he did it, silently observing one another, with tension and longing . . .
And I DEFINITELY love the way they CLEARLY almost kissed, when Damon first gave her the necklace, and how they bravely walked to the party, arm-in-arm together, after the gift exchange . . .
ELENA: “My, what big lips you have, Damon!”
DAMON: “The better to suck your face with, Elena.”
Geez! Do you think I used the word LOVE enough in this section? 😉
Speaking of love, there’s yet another new bromance in town . . . (Am I noticing a pattern here?)
High Times with Matt and Jeremy (Drunk Times with Alaric and Damon)
First off, I want to say how INCREDIBLY lame it is that Elena’s so-called Bestie, Bonnie, couldn’t even be bothered to make it to her 18th birthday. FRIEND FAIL!
Oh, WIPE YOUR NOSE!
Beyond that, Elena’s birthday party was AWESOME! They don’t have NEARLY enough ragers, in Mystic Falls, in my opinion. I mean, sure, we’ve seen dances, and movie nights, memorials, and fundraisers. But these kids are in HIGH SCHOOL for crying out loud. And what’s high school, without a good old fashioned KEGGAR! It was really cool to see these uptight supes let loose, for once.
I mean, we get to see Damon and Alaric drink ALL THE TIME!
But watching Elena grab Damon’s cup of bourbon, right out of his hand and chug it down . . .
. . . when he wouldn’t let ANYONE ELSE touch his stash . . .
. . . watching Caroline chug wine straight from a bottle (more on her, later), and watching an unusually laidback Matt bond with Jeremy over some quality reefer, was just SUPER SATISFYING on so-many levels. I mean, you can’t battle evil ALL THE TIME, right?
But, since we ARE on the subject of evil . . .
Dead Times with Sex Toy Andie
We knew Stefan was going to have to find a way to “take care” of Damon, in order to prevent Klaus from taking matters into his own hands. But I don’t think many of us
save those who figured it out from the trailers figured his manner of “taking care” of his brother would be this drastic . . .
We randomly find ourselves in the Mystic Falls news room, where Sex Toy Andie is working late, once again. Suddenly, a light shines in her face, and Stefan materialized before her. What’s kind of sad is how HAPPY she is to see Stefan, since, she of course, remembers him as the GOOD BROTHER . . . Then he gets all veiny on her, and she’s probably considering suggesting some Botox options . . .
Enter Damon, who’s clad in blue, while Stefan is clad in his older brother’s trademark black . . .
He’s just received a phone call from Elena, who, after having been told by Caroline that she’s “letting her life pass her by,” finally FOUND his Stefan Stalker Stash. And she is NOT PLEASED AT ALL!
“Wow, Damon has kind of girly handwriting.”
“Gotta go break up beer bong!” Damon snarks, in an exaggeratedly high pitched voice, that is one step above doing that thing where you blow into the phone and pretend there’s a bad connection, when you don’t want to talk to someone. (Not that I’ve ever done that, of course.)
Anywhoo, BLACK-CLAD BADASS Stefan approaches Damon, with the words, “Hello Brother,” a nice throwback to Damon’s first words in the pilot . . .
The pair chat amiably for a bit about Stefan’s binge-eating, and Mr. Potato Head creation tendencies. But Stefan is cold, stiff, and immobile, kind of like a dead guy . . . or undead guy, rather. He’s not even moved by the mention of Elena, when, usually the mere utterance of her name is enough to spiral the “Good Brother” into hysterics . . .
And that’s when EVVVVILL Stefan reveals his Big Take Care of Damon magic trick. With a flourish of his hands, Stefan shows Damon a crying compelled Andie, who is shaking and crying, high above the two brothers on the rafters . . .
A surprisingly frantic Damon, tells her not to move. Unfortunately (or, fortunately, depending on your feelings about the Sex Toy), Stefan has the compelled the news reporter to do just that. And so Andie bungee jumps without a chord from the rafters, as Stefan pushes his brother up against a wall, so that he can’t catch her . . .
Sure, the scene was sad. But, you must admit, that Damon’s face in this picture is HILARIOUS!
I had always suspected that Damon had come to respect and care about Andie as more than a sex toy / slave. But it really became apparent, when he leaned dejectedly over her broken and dead body, unable to do anything but say goodbye . . . both to his sort-of girlfriend, and his brother’s humanity . . .
R.I.P. Andie! Here’s a small tribute to your memory . . .
OK . . . so that was more of a tribute to Damon. But HEY, it’s the thought that counts, right?
On a MUCH, MUCH lighter note . . .
Speaking of Sex Toys . . .
Bland-But-Slightly -More-Tolerable-When-He’s-Stoned Matt tries to flirt with Caroline, and is abruptly SHOT DOWN!
(Try not to take it personally, Matt. Jer Bear still loves you!)
As it turns out, Caroline’s WAY to busy being jealous of Slutty Sophie’s humping of Tyler on the dance floor to give two craps about her ex-beau . . .
Wow, who knew Tyler was so good at Dance Floor Humpage? VERY impressive!
(Clearly, Caroline agrees with me.)
Tyler and Caroline get into a heated argument, after Caroline jealously compels Slutty Sophie to leave the party, therby MAJORLY cockblocking Tyler . . . then again, maybe not. “If I shouldn’t be dating, all you have to do is say something . . . because I’m not about to get shot down again,” argues Tyler.
And so, just like with their epic first kiss, their second one, begins with an argument about “feelings,” turns into a wall slam, and then, BAM: mouth-f*&king!
Horny as hell, and not-yet-quite adventurous enough to start having sex right on the floor of La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline and Tyler escape back to Tyler’s bedroom, which, in hindsight, might have been their first big mistake of the evening. Not that it matters, at the moment, though. Because right now, Caroline and Tyler are having sex . . . supernatural . . . super speedy . . . sexy . . . grunty . . . groany . . . moany . . . rough sex. And life is VERY GOOD!
Life is significantly LESS good for Damon, who is having a VERY bad day . . .
Foreplay Tough Love for Damon and Elena . . .
“You’ve got some ‘splaining to do, Mister! (Like why the heck didn’t you put all this crap on a computer? What is this . . . 1864?)”
Still raw from his run-in with his brother, and the loss of Sex Toy Andie, a not-drunk-enough Damon hobbles back into his room to find Elena (SURPRISE!) dangerously close to his bed. 😉
She’s FURIOUS with Damon for keeping his search for Stefan from her, and understandably so. But, really, your heart has to go out to Damon in this moment. Because Damon was always the guy who got to be blase about Elena’s feelings, because he was the one KEEPING HER ALIVE.
Up until now, Damon got to leave all the “emotional stuff” to STEFAN, like, for example, that time when he let Elena think Bonnie had died, so that KLAUS would believe it too. Damon was OK with being the “Bad Guy,” because he knew he was doing the right thing, and that Stefan would be there to “comfort” Elena, where he couldn’t. But now, Damon is stuck playing both Elena’s CONFIDANTE and PROTECTOR, and it’s weighing heavily on his conscience. He DOESN’T want to ruin Elena’s memories of Stefan, no matter how much that might help him in the “getting laid” department . . .
And while the OLD Damon would have rejoiced in telling Elena that Saint Stefan, wasn’t so saintly anymore, the NEW protective Damon is wracked with guilt for the part he feels he’s played in Stefan’s return to the darkside, and how much he knows it will hurt Elena to know what her first love has become. But still, she needs to know. And so, he tells her . . .
“Those are not Klaus’ victims, they’re Stefan’s. He’s left a trail of bodies, up and down the Eastern Seabord. He’s flipped the switch, Elena. So, stop looking for him . . . Stop waiting for him. He’s NOT coming back . . . not in your lifetime.”
Once again, after delivering a speech like this, the OLD Damon would have just stormed out of the room, without a second thought, because THAT would be all that was required to “keep Elena alive.” But we see Damon hesitate here, as Elena’s eyes begin to tear up. He stops and reaches out, as if to hug Elena, but ultimately, things better of it and leaves . . .
And it’s an awful moment for the two of them, who are both missing Stefan, for their own reasons, and can’t quite bring themselves to reach out to one another, when they need eachother most . . .
So, of course, Damon responds to these newfound emotions by angrily trashing Stefan’s over-furnished bedroom. (Now, THAT’S the dark, self-destructive Damon we know and love! ;))
Meanwhile, outside the party (if you could still call it that . . .) . . .
Chunky Monkey? (Nahh . . . It’s Just Stoned Matt.)
So, I’ve decided I wouldn’t have despised Matt nearly as much last season, if he was HIGH more often. High Matt is HILARIOUS! And I loved the Stoner Comedy Bromance of High Jeremy trying to drive High Matt home, and HIGH Matt inadvertently sitting on Ghost Vicki’s head, when he did so . . .
“I think my brother just farted on me.”
And yes, yes, I know it was supposed to be all “creepy” and “scary” how Vicki ominously begged for Jeremy to HELP HER, and Anna stared stonily at him from outside his car.
But honestly, I found this storyline to be more comic relief, than anything else. Particularly, when Matt came back to Jeremy’s house, after the party, to eat all of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey . . .
“You know, Useless Aunt Jenna always used to eat Alaric’s Chunky Monkey too . . . he didn’t seem to mind.”
. . . and Jeremy tried to confide in Matt about the whole, “I see dead people” thing, . . .
. . . and Matt pretty much chalked Jeremy’s visions up to loneliness and BAD WEED. But, honestly, wouldn’t you, if you lived ANYWHERE ELSE BESIDES MYSTIC FALLS?
MATT: “Don’t YOU wanna get WITH this? Have I mentioned, I’m single?”
JEREMY: “Yes, about 18 times. And in the car, on the way home, you SANG it.”
A Plain Old Walk of Shame is Looking Pretty Good Right Now, Isn’t it Caroline?
Sometimes, karma can be a b*tch. Like when you plan to sneak off on your new Boy Toy, while he’s still asleep, in order to avoid a “potentially awkward conversation.”
And your new Boy Toy’s mom comes in, and randomly shoots you with what looks like a Toy Gun from the movie Star Wars . . .
“Ummm . . . Tyler . . . I hate to break it to you
considering we just f*&ked and all but I think your Mom is secretly Darth Vader.”
*breathes heavily* “Ty-ler . . . I am your Mo-ther.”
“You have a Collect Call from Ripper Stefan. Do You Accept the Charges? (Because if you don’t, he’ll eat you.)”
Some happy birthday, Elena has had! After the party, she comes back to her kitchen to find Alaric bailing. Because, you know, sitting around completely wasted at a party while underage kids drink and have sex, either makes you the WORST or the COOLEST chaperone ever, I can’t decide which.
“Don’t be too hard on yourself, Alchy-ric! I mean, hey, you were a WAY better guardian than Useless Aunt Jenna! At least you never let evil supernatural creatures who wanted to kill me into the house! That’s a definite plus next to your name!”
Alaric tells Elena that she can do a better job raising herself, and Jeremy, without him. And while that might be true, I still think it was kind of lame of him to ditch her on her birthday, especially in light of all that had happened, during this episode . . .
But don’t worry, Ric, I’m sure I’ll love you again tomorrow . . . and the day after that . . . and the day after that . . .
(I’m not sure I’m entirely digging your new, “I’m Depressed” Hairdo though . . . You might want to get that checked out by a stylist . . .)
“I’m way too engrossed in my “Man Pain,” to engage in normal hygiene procedures, like showering, shaving and stuff . . .Maybe, I’ll consider doing those things, if I ever get another non-vampire girlfriend again . . .”
In the final moments of the episode, Elena heads upstairs to find a hand-drawn artistic card from Jeremy (Nice touch remembering he has Mad Art Skillz, Writers!), right next to Elena’s trademark stuffed teddy bear . . .
I’d sleep with them BOTH!
Then, she ALMOST misses a call from Stefan the Mouth Breather, but manages to pick it up . . .
For the past two seasons, TVD fans have been forever searching for signs of Damon’s humanity. And, I suspect, this season will be about watching for the signs of the RETURN of Stefan’s. The fact that Elena’s reminder to him that she still LOVES HIM, brings him to tears, tells us that he hasnt TOTALLY given in to his vampiric impulses . . . yet . . .
Of course, on the other hand, if Stefan’s love for his brother, and his reassurance of Elena’s love for HIM are all that’s keeping him from going FULL RIPPER, what would happen if BOTH of those individuals ended up betraying his love . . . together?
Ripper Stefan is at a precipice right now. He could really go either way. And Klaus’ prediction that, with each kill, Stefan will find it easier and easier to let go of his humanity, might very soon prove to be prophetic . . .
And there you have it folks . . . the Season 3 Premiere of TVD in a VERY LARGE nutshell . . . SOOOOO . . . tell me . . . what did you think? 😉