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Paint the Town Blood Red – A Recap of Being Human’s “Something to Watch Over Me”

“Hey, there Crazy Cop Guy!  Long time, no see!  Hey, remember that one time when you were 10, and I ate your dad?  Haha, GOOD TIMES!”

(Ummm . . . yeah . . .  so this recap . . . is ridiculously late.  Sorry about that!  Consider it a “Refresher Course” to prepare you for tomorrow night’s episode!)

With Friends Like These . . .

This past week’s episode dealt with the various ways in which one’s past can come back to haunt him, in ways he may never have expected.  It all started with Social Butterfly Aidan wanting to expand his Social Network.  After all, the dude had been on the planet for centuries, and STILL, his only Facebook Friends are Bishop and his motley crew of Evil Blood Suckers . . .

Bishops “Likes” include: Vampire Recruitment, Compelling waitresses to give you free food, Grave Robbing, and World Domination

 . . . Shut-in Sally, who’s Status Updates are always the same.  (ex.  “I miss Danny.”  “Gee, I wonder Danny still thinks about me.”  “Do you think I can have Hot Ghost Sex with Danny some day?”)

“Blah, blah, blah DANNY, blah, blah, blah SAD, blah, blah, blah, I LOVED HIM,” *sniff, pout, cry, repeat*

 . . .and Josh, who once a month, leaves embarassing, and incoherent ramblings on Aidan’s “Wall” . . .

EXAMPLE: Grrrrroworororor Nom, Nom, Nom, Tasty Bunny, GRRRRRRR, Yummy Deer, GRRRR

So, Aidan has this great idea to start a Neighborhood Watch.  (You know . . .  to protect the community from scary things that could really hurt them . . . like vampires, werewolves, and ghosts.)  Inherent irony of the situation notwithstanding . . . seriously?   THAT was Aidan’s grand plan to make Cool New Pals?  Was it Aidan’s INTENTION to collect the lamest group of friends EVER?  Because, really, how many “cool people” do you know who participate in the Neighborhood Watch?

Oh yeah . . . Granny over here looks like just the person I’d want protecting the streets from evil, while I sleep.

Seriously though, if Aidan and Josh REALLY wanted to start a social circle including a group of their peers, wouldn’t it have made more sense to start a Twilight book club?

Bella, Edward, and the rest of the Cullens “Like” this . . .

Most notable among the Neighborhood Watch attendees are . . . Josh’s Mini Me

 . . . some chick who looks like Daria Morgendorffer from that old MTV cartoon . . .

Man, I miss that show!

  . . . Danny . . . who, of course, leaves right away, after seeing how LAME this party is . . .  (Not that Danny isn’t ALSO lame, because he totally is!)

“Is this the Star Trek Fan Club meeting?”

 . . . and this Creepy Cop Guy with Mountain Man Facial Hair, who keeps staring intently at Aidan, like he wants to make out with him . . .

“Oooh, he must work out!  I wonder if he has a Cop Fetish . . . or a thing for Guy’s with Beards . . .”

Aidan and Josh Try to Pimp Out Sally . . .

The next morning, the three roomies are hanging out in the bathroom, discussing how Sally might not be nearly so uptight and annoying, if she got laid every once in a while.  So, Aidan and Josh decide to set Sally up with a ghost that Aidan met while working at the hospital.  His name is Tony.  But I would prefer to refer to him as the Ghost of Eighties Past . . .

At first, Sally is not down with boinking this Hair Band Reject.  She likes her men more boring, soft-spoken, and effeminate.  You know . . . like Danny.  But then, through some scientific miracle that I can’t even begin to explain, Ghost of Eighties Past is able to SHAKE SALLY’S HAND (and, from the looks and sound of it, give her a MAJOR GHOST ORGASM!) . . .

I hope he washed his hands, first!

Suddenly, Sally is totally down for “playing” with the Ghost of Eighties Past.  Things get even MORE exciting, when he tells her that she is not stuck in the house forever, as she previously thought.   (Oh, thank the LORD!  I couldn’t take much more of that!)  You see, Sally doesn’t have a corporeal form like you and me.  And, for that reason, she can go anywhere she wants, just by using her MIND! 

This, of course, THRILLS Sally to no end.  And, knowing that she can go anywhere, I bet you will never guess where she decides to go first?

Yeah . . . right back to the bathroom, where she was two seconds ago!  (Girl’s got the imagination of a peanut!)   After everyone’s peed and pooped, Sally decides to go downstairs and bother Josh, who is watching TV with his new friends Mini Me, and Daria Morgendorffer.  The problem is, only JOSH can see her, which basically makes him look like a TOTAL lunatic, in front of his new pals . . .

The Awkward Moment when you are watching TV with your pals, and a weird Ghost Chick sits on your lap, and starts talking to you about flying . . .

Finally, Josh and the Ghost of Eighties Past manage to convince Sally to get the HELL out of the house.  And so she does . . . and by out, I mean RIGHT OUTSIDE HER DOOR.  (I lied. Peanuts are WAY more imaginative than Sally . . .)

Sally is so VERY proud of herself for moving an extra two inches, that she begins dancing around in circles like a five-year old.  Ghost of Eighties Past, of course, sees this as a BRILLIANT opportunity to get into her sweatpants . . .

I mean that literally, of course, “Tony’s” bottom half ACTUALLY intertwines with, and becomes part of, Sally’s.  It’s kind of gross, actually.  Sally, of course, is APPALLED at the notion of screwing anyone aside from Dear Danny.  And she tells Tony as much.  Feeling rejected, Tony skulks back to his Mom’s Basement, where you just know he lived, until the day he died . . . at age 35.  As for Sally, she goes back inside to pout about . . . you guessed it . . . Danny.

Josh tries to put some sense into Sally, explaining to her, that life isn’t an old Demi Moore movie from the Early 90’s.  So, she’s never again going to be able to make “sweet, sweet . . . ghostly pottery” with Danny.  The sooner she gets used to that, the better . . .

Then Ghost of Eighties Past returns to apologize to Sally.  And I fell in love a bit more with Josh, as he defended Sally’s honor and chastity.  “Well, if it isn’t Casper the HANDSY Ghost!  Not THE PLAN, MAN!”  Josh growls at Tony (even though, let’s be honest, getting Sally laid was TOTALLY his plan!).

Once he’s certain that Sally isn’t going to get Ghost Raped in her own house, Josh leaves the Dead Pair to their own devices . . .

Sally reluctantly forgives Tony for being an Invisible Date Rapist, and ultimately agrees to continue her Ghost Therapy with him.  Since, Tony knows that Sally SUCKS at choosing travel destinations, he decides to select the next one . . . and it’s .  . . a cemetery.

Wow, morbid much?  Come to think of it, maybe letting Sally pick the destination all the time, wasn’t such a bad idea, after all.  Ghost of Eighties Past Tony has decided to show Sally her grave, so that she can FINALLY come to terms with her own death.  In Tony’s experience, doing this usually gives a Ghost the closure they need to cross over to the other side . . .

Unfortunately, for Sally, it just gives her grass stains on her ass!  So, Tony decides to let her pick the next destination for their Wild and Wonderful Ghostly Journey . . .  I’ll give you three guesses as to where they go.  But I’m sure you will only need one.  (And, no, it’s not the bathroom, this time.)

*sigh*  Danny AGAIN!  This time, she’s in his friggin house, staring at him, while he sleeps in his friggin bed.  Ghost of Eighties Past gets fed up with her (just like the rest of us) and bails.  We don’t blame him.

Back at the apartment, Josh tells Sally that he doesn’t think that her moving into Danny’s place will give her the closure she needs to move on to Heaven, or wherever it is she’s meant to go.  So, Sally heads back to the cemetery to do some thinking . . . Tony is there waiting for her.  He tells her that listening to Sally do nothing but bitch and moan about Danny for two days made him want to strangle her think about the love of his life, and whether she was doing “OK.” 

So, he visited her.  And, guess what, she’s doing JUST FINE, without the Hair Band Reject, who she dated ONCE 23 years ago!  (SURPRISE!)  Tony helpfully notes that, because his “ex” girlfriend was “open” to his presence, he was able to physically touch her  .  . hand.  (Don’t get too excited, this is SyFy, not Skinimax . . . ) 

But you KNOW how much Sally likes HANDSHAKES, right?

So, this is VERY good news for her.

Then, a Very Cheesy and WAY TOO Literal Door to the Otherside magically appears in the cemetery.  Everybody assumes its for Sally.  (Actually, NOBODY assumes its for Sally.  Because then there would be no more show.  And we’ve only had three episodes so far.  But we’ll play along . . .)

Sally tells the Ghost of Eighties Past that she knows the door is for HIM, not her.  And so, he thanks her, and heads toward the door, secretly wishing his Guest Star Appearance could have been longer than one episode . . .

Don’t be sad, Tony!  I hear they are filming a Ghost Version of Friends on the other side, and need someone to play Joey.  You’d be PERFECT!

At the end of the episode, Sally returns to Danny’s house.  (AGAIN?  SERIOUSLY?  ARE THEY KIDDING WITH THIS?)  She tries to “touch” Danny, but finds, to her chagrin that he may already be “touching” someone else, if you catch my drift . . .

The Awkward Moment when you realize that your best friend and your once-fiance might be f*&king, and that they might do it on the couch RIGHT IN YOUR LAP!

And now for the storylines that didn’t annoy me . . .

Keeping the Neighborhood Safe from Graffiti Artists

Awww, Josh!  You’ve gotta love him!  He may not always get the best plotlines on this show.  But he always makes do with what he has, by tossing out cute one liners, and charming us with HILARIOUS facial expressions!  This week’s storyline, no joke, revolved around Josh trying to catch a neighborhood grafitti artist.  His partner in crime on the hunt, was a guy who was pretty much exactly the person Josh WOULD HAVE BEEN, had he never been werewolf-ed.

While on the Watch, Josh chats with Mini Me, and learns that his alter ego is hoping to start his medical residency at the same hospital where Josh is currently working as an orderly.  If you recall, Josh wanted to go to medical school, but never enrolled due to his CHANGE.  Though Josh tries to be friendly and nonchalant, you can tell this conversation is really making Josh feel like crap about his life. 

So, when the pair actually do find the Graffiti artist in question, a highly emotional Josh goes all Wolverine on his ass! 

No, he wasn’t shirtless at the time.  Yes, I’m using this adorable image anyway.  Got a problem with that?

Mini Me looks on with amusement, which quickly gives way to horror, as Josh nearly rips the poor hoodlum in half, for doing nothing more serious than leaving a little extra paint on the wall.  Eventually, Josh comes back to himself, and skulks away, as the graffiti artist, thankfuly, regains consciousness. 

The next day at work, Mini Me is at the hospital awaiting an interview for the residency position, when he sees poor orderly Josh, literally sweeping crap off the floor.  Mini Me wants to take Wolf Boy out for lunch.  However, a miserably depressed Josh declines.  Josh later admits to Aidan that he no longer wants to do his transformations at the hospital.  He feels that, in order to maintain a “human” lifestyle,” he must embrace the wolf within him.  Only by keeping that part of his life completely separate from his REAL one, will he be able to completely ensure that no one he cares about gets hurt.

The bad news, of course, is Poor Josh now feels even more lonely and isolated than before.  The good news? I smell MORE OUTDOOR NUDEY SHOTS! 🙂

The Mind is a Terrible Thing to Drive Insane . . .

After learning from Bishop that the Crazy Cop Dude who was giving Aidan the eye, during the Neighborhood Watch meeting, has been using police resources to peek into Aidan’s past, Aidan promises that he will “handle it.”  So, he meets Crazy Cop dude at a nearby bar, and confirms that the guy really is Batsh&t Insane, just as Bishop had feared . . .

Even though Crazy Cop Dude looks quite a bit older than Aidan, the former is ABSOLUTELY certain that Aidan is the evil criminal who murdered his dad in cold blood, back when Crazy Cop Dude was just 10-years old.  To prove his point, Crazy Cop Dude pulls out a police sketch of his dad’s killer — a drawing that he’s probably had stuffed in his pants for about 30-years now.  (EW!)

I assume this picture is supposed to look just like Aidan.  But, honestly, it looks more like Frankenstein to me  . . .

Aidan logically reasons that there is no way he could have killed Crazy Cop Dude’s father, as he wasn’t even “ALIVE” when the guy was murdered.  (Get it . . . he was UNDEAD, during that time!  Har, de, har, har)  Then, since awkward conversations always make Aidan have to pee, he excuses himself, and heads to the bathroom . . . Of course, Crazy Cop Dude follows.

Quick, Aidan . . . PEE ON HIS LEG!

Crazy Cop Dude REALLY wants Aidan to take off his shirt (as do WE!).  Unfortunately, his reasons aren’t NEARLY as fun as ours.  You see, Crazy Cop Dude remembers that his dad’s killer had a tattoo on his chest with the name “Celine.”  He wants to see if Aidan has the same tattoo.  Fortuntely (or unfortunately, depending on how much you really wanted to see Shirtless Aidan this week), Aidan manages to scamper away before Crazy Cop Dude gets a chance to undress him.

But just when we think our boy Aidan’s going to be A-OK, Crazy Cop Dude jumps him in some alleyway.  And then THIS happens . . .

Where’s the Neighborhood Watch when you need them, right?

Now, that Aidan’s been nailed to the wall, like some cheap piece of religious artwork, Crazy Cop Dude takes this opportunity to ogle his chest (YAY!).  And yes, as supected, Aidan does bare the incriminating CELINE tattoo on his chest.  But, honestly, I was too mesmerized by his hot pects and erect nipples to give that much thought . . .

WOAH!

Once Crazy Cop Dude has left the scene, and Aidan has finally managed to disimpale himself from the WALL, our Friendly Neighborhood Vampire rushes to the hospital for a quick drink . . .

And, honestly, I’ve got to say, given how LONG Aidan has been drinking blood, I’m a bit disappointed in what a Piggy Eater he turned out to be.  Aidan, take note:  there are WAY classier ways to dispose of a blood bag.  Watch and learn . . .

Any questions?

You know, Aidan should REALLY start thinking twice about visiting public restrooms, because when he gets out of the stall after his little snack (looking FABULOUS, in his Super Tight White Tank Top, I might add), yet another Creepo is waiting for him . . .

Bishop is in the Potty with Aidan.  Apparently, Big Bad Vampire Daddy REALLY wants to rub in Aidan’s face, what a “crap” job he has done so far in taking care of this whole Crazy Cop Dude thing . . .

*sings* “Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah, you’re a Sucky Vampire!”

Aidan insists that, contrary to appearances, he TOTALLY has everything under control.  You see, Aidan plans to compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget that Aidan killed his father, all those years ago.  Bishop thinks this is a TERRIBLE idea, as Aidan has always been pretty lousy at compulsion, and has undoubtedly become even worse at it, since he stopped consuming LIVE blood.  Bishop would prefer the more “honest” method of turning Crazy Cop Dude into a vampire himself. 

I notice that this seems to be Bishop’s answer to EVERY problem.  If Nike’s slogan is “Just Do It,” Bishop’s must be “Just Turn Them.”  What Bishop doesn’t realize, however, is that his plan presents a number of logistical problems — the most notable being this:  If EVERYONE on Earth is a vampire, who will be left to eat?

“Beats me!”

Not believing that his SIRE will make the right decision, when it comes to handling Crazy Cop Dude, Bishop (who in addition to being Head of Vampire Human Resources, and Local Funeral Director, is also, apparently, Police Chief) heads over to Crazy Cop Dude’s House to “talk.”

To be honest, I’m not quite sure why BISHOP didn’t compel Crazy Cop Dude to forget about his father’s murder, himself.  After all, HE would certainly be strong enough to successfully remove the offending memories, without screwing the guy up any more than he already was.  But, NO . . . Bishop is intent on getting another vampire for his growing collection.  And so, he offers Crazy Cop Dude the Vampire Recruitment Pitch. 

Crazy Cop Dude isn’t impressed.  But when he tries to escape, Bishop’s henchman is waiting for him . . .

But before Mr. Henchman can turn Crazy Cop Dude into Aidan’s Blood Brother, Aidan arrives on the scene and intervenes.  Henchman is ready to do battle with him, but Bishop smugly insists that Aidan and Crazy Cop Dude be left to their own devics.  Clearly, Bishop has bigger plans in store for his petulant vampire child . . .

So, Aidan tries his hand at removing the offending memories from Crazy Cop Dude’s brain . . .

“I’ve got a headache THIS BIG . . . and it’s screaming for Vampire Compulsion!”

The next day, Aidan stalks Crazy Cop Dude’s home a bit.  And when Aidan spies Crazy Cop Dude picking up the morning paper like a Normal Person, he is, understandably relieved . . .

Problem solved, right?  Well . . . not exactly . . .

Cut to the next morning, where Bishop is giving Aidan a few choice words about the events of the previous evening.  “You were right, Aidan.  YOUR WAY was MUCH more humane,” Bishop snarks, throwing a large brown envelope in front of his “child,” before exiting stage left.  And you KNOW what was in that envelope, don’t you?

THIS  . . .

OK . . . now THAT’s just gross!

Just as Bishop had predicted, Aidan’s botched attempt at helping Crazy Cop Dude, by plucking traumatic memories from his brain, had the unintended effect of driving him so BATSH&T INSANE that the poor guy offed himself.  Now, that’s gotta suck!  Whether or not you felt this result was inevitable, your heart had to go out to poor Aidan, as he flipped through those grisly photographs, and wondered whether he could have somehow prevented this from happening . . . 

(Kudos to Sam Witwer for quietly breaking my heart during this scene, with his understated, yet breathtakingly touching, performance.)

And, just because I don’t like to end my recaps on a truly depressing note, please enjoy this picture of Sam Witwer Shirtless and holding a phallic object .  . .

You’re welcome.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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The One Where No One Can Stop Staring at Chris’ . . . Pants – A Recap of U.S. Skins’ “Chris”

“Look at me.  I’m looking at myself through a broken mirror, to symbolize my shattered youth, multi-faceted personality, and ‘broken’ sense of self.  Wowwww . . . MTV is SOOOO deep.”

Here’s a scenario for you.  You are 16-years old.  One morning, you find yourself home alone, with no parental guardians in sight.  There is a big fat wad of cash on your kitchen counter.  You also seem to be having some major “issues” with your nether regions.  What do YOU do? 

Chances are, if you DIDN’T answer: throw a raging, drug and sex-fueled, party at your house, for the entire teenage population of where the heck it is you’re from, this probably isn’t the show for you.  You also may very well be an undercover member of the Parent Teacher Council.

If the film Home Alone was ever converted into a porno flick, I suspect it would look a lot like Episode 3 of U.S. Skins (which, coincidentally, looks almost EXACTLY like Season 1, Episode 4 of U.K. Skins).

Weiner Hijinks Ensue

Chris, is that a shower cap on your Mr. Happy, or are you just REALLY happy to see that stove?

In the opening moments of Skins‘ third episode, we are introduced (or re-introduced, rather) to slacker high school student, Chris.  MTV’s website characterizes Chris as “happy-go-lucky.”  And when we meet him in this episode, we learn that the description might not exactly have been referring to his “personality.”

In addition to Chris, we are also introduced to another character on Skins, one that plays a major part in this episode, and who may actually possess better comedic timing than all of the show’s cast members combined.  Of course, I am referring to Chris’ . . .  hot dog.

Thus proving that MTV shows will give absolutely ANYONE and ANYTHING a SAG card these days . . .

Case in point . . .

To kick off what I would hereby like to refer to as the “Chris and His Weiner Comedy Hour,” we are treated to a montage of sorts, featuring Chris and his Better (and Lower) Half, engaging in all sorts of zany fun!  Here are just some of the highlights: (1) Chris and His Weiner feed the fish!  (2) Chris and His Weiner try to pee,  but Weiner shoots Chris in the face!  (3) Chris and His Weiner take a Shower!  (4) Chris and His Weiner make Eggs for Breakfast!  (Are you watching this, Viagra?  Because I’m pretty sure MTV just wrote your next television commercial . . .)

Fun Times with Dick, however, is interrupted, when Chris finds something VERY SPECIAL on his kitchen counter . . .

Holy Smokes!  It’s 1,000 blooming buckaroos, or, as the Cool Kids are calling it these days, One G.  It’s like CHRISTMAS for Chris!  (Weiner, however, who was hoping for yet ANOTHER box of Viagra, can’t help but be a tad disappointed.)  Not sure of how he should proceed, a still half-naked Chris, tapes Weiner to his pant leg . . .

“I’ll BE BACK!”

 . . . and invites his friends over for a Highly Homoerotic Kitchen Encounter Pow Wow of Epic Proportions.

Does anyone else think that Nu-Tony looks a bit like Kevin Arnold from The Wonder Years, or am I totally off base here?

While Stanley thinks that Chris should invest his wad of cash in some low-risk tax free bonds, and Weiner thinks he should invest in more Viagra, the rest of the crew seem to think that a Big Party is the way to go.  So, a Big Party is what we get . . .

It’s a PAAAAARRRRTTTYY!

Weiner, of course, was highly insulted by the fact that, while Chris’ Nipples got to roam free and mingle with the rest of the party guests (See Picture Above), HE had to stay tucked away.  Weiner needn’t have worried though, he was still the TALK of the party, and despite being, more or less, “hidden from view,” all eyes were DEFINITELY on him . . .

ABBUD:  “Hey Tea, do you think Chris’Weiner likes me?  Sometimes, I think he does . . . Other times, I’m not so sure.”

TEA: “Chris’ Weiner likes EVERYBODY, Abbud!”

While Abbud and Tea are discussing the logistics of Chris’ nether regions, Tony arrives to do what he seems to do best:  Stare Longingly, and Silently Pine for Love . . .

*Sigh*

Based on last week’s little Dance / Sex Session, we assume Tony’s Sad Little Eye F*&k  is directed at Tea . . .

. . . but it very well may be directed at Abbud.  On this show, you can never be too sure.

Speaking of people who like to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love, say hello to Cadie . . .

*Double Sigh*

If you recall from last week, Cadie agreed to pretend to be sleeping with Stanley, because doing that “favor” for him would be, as she called it, “sweet.”  (Little did she know that her favor had LESS to do with being “sweet” to Stanley, and more about Tony being able to Stare Longingly and Pine for Love in the general direction of Tea’s Naked Tatas, which Tea had promised to expose to the public, once Stanley cashed in his V card.)  And yet, based on her behavior this week, it seems that Cadie would much prefer to ACTUALLY “make monkey” with Annoying Haired Stanley than just “pretend to make monkey” with him.

“I don’t know what ‘Making Monkey’ means exactly, but I sure hope it involves eating . . . Because I LOVE to eat!”

Unfortunately for Cadie, Stanley is too busy pining after Tony’s girlfriend, Michelle, to Make Monkey with ANYBODY! 

Wait . . . so let me get this straight . . . Cadie wants Stanley, who wants Michelle, who’s with TONY, who wants Tea, who wants that Betty Boop chick from last week’s episode?

Somebody is going to need to diagram this for me . . .

GO FISH!

Speaking of Tony and Michelle, SHE (Michelle) is naked in Chris’ bed, and HE (Tony) is also naked, and playing with fish.  (This is, unfortunately, NOT a Euphemism for Sex, by the way.)

Michelle is, understandably, feeling a bit underappreciated in this situation.  So, Tony tries to make her “feel better” by telling her that one of her tatas is bigger than the other . . .

“Ummm .  . . thanks?”

This Oh So Romantic moment is interrupted by Stanley, who has come to borrow a shirt from Chris’ stash, because some girl puked on his . . .

Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part Deux .  . .

While in Chris’ room, Stanley gets his first glimpse of Michelle’s Tatas. 

Chris’ Weiner says, “Dammit!  Why aren’t I in this scene?  I could do really great work here!”

Knowing full well that Stanley is totally in Loooooove with her, Michelle boldly exposes herself to her boyfriend’s best friend, and asks for his opinion on her tatas.  In response to this inquiry, an entranced Stanley blubbers on for about two minutes about how his “eyes are blurry” or something, and rushes out of the room.  Meanwhile, Tony, who is probably dreaming of Tea’s Tatas’ at the time, looks on, boredly amused. 

“Your eyes are supposed to BLUR TOO!”  Michelle, notes to her boyfriend angrily.

Tony rolls his eyes, and then proceeds to screw Michelle . . .

Hot for Teacher

Back downstairs at the party, Chris’ Social Sciences teacher, Tina, arrives.  Apparently, Chris is in Loooooove with her.  (Am I the only one noticing a pattern here?)  So, he invites her over to his house, under the guise of planning a “Parent-Teacher Conference” of some sort.  Once he’s got her in his clutches, however, the admittedly adorable (even though, honestly, he looks about 12) Chris takes advantage of this Excellent Opportunity by laying THIS gem, on his lady love . . .

“I think that dancing is like the best thing in the world.  Because, it makes you healthy, but it also makes your mind better too.  And, I know that you’re sad sometimes, and I hate that.  So, would you just stay . . . and dance . . . Please?”

Honestly, who could resist THAT?  So, Tina starts slow dancing with Chris.  And, you’ll never guess what happens next .  . .

“I’m BAAAAACK!”

Scotch tape can only hold back Weiner for so long, before it stages a revolt!  So, Tina (who’s already sort of verging on Pedophile Territory, with the looks she’s been giving this Underage Student in the Elvis Costume) freaks out and bails, no doubt rushing back to the Bad 80’s movie from which she originated . . .

Life is HARD, isn’t it Chris? (hint, hint, wink, wink)

Tina’s departure more or less sent the episode, and Chris’ life, into a downward spiral.  And the rest of the episode, was filled with a series of increasingly awkward (and kind of depressing) moments . . .

The Awkward Moment When You are Hiding in Your Mom’s Dresser Listening to Your Friends Engage in Homoerotic Conversations . . .

After a long night of partying and getting wasted, Chris’ pals have worked up quite an appetite!  And, Chris, being the Good Host he is, decides to use the remainder of his Cash Stash to buy them all pizza.  The problem is, he’s run out of money.  So, Chris dashes up to his mom’s room to get some more.  What he finds up there is . . . absolutely NOTHING.

Now, having seen the U.K. version of this episode before, I wasn’t exactly surprised when Chris found his mother’s room completely emptied of all of her belongings — a sure sign that she had abandoned her son, quite possibly for good.  And yet, it is a testament to Jesse Carere’s acting skills, that my heart still sank during this scene. 

In fact, in some ways, watching THIS Chris experience the loss was even harder, because he just looks SO MUCH YOUNGER and seems SO MUCH MORE VULNERABLE than that perpetually hilarious old soul, U.K. Chris.  As someone who ADORED U.K. Chris to bits, I very much appreciated this American actor’s decision NOT to try to replicate the former’s unmatchable performance.  Instead, Carere gave HIS Chris, a sensitivity and sadness that was uniquely his own.

But, lest we become too maudlin, here comes Stanley and Tony with their Adventures in Homoeroticism, Part 3 . . .

A poor and miserable Chris, hides in his mom’s empty dresser, as he listens to Stanley and Tony talk about how incredibly HAPPY Stanley should be for the opportunity to be having Fake Sex with Cadie.  And then they start having HOT GAY sex with eachother, like they’ve clearly been wanting to do for this ENTIRE EPISODE this happens . . .

Poor Chris, though clearly depressed about his future, tries to joke with the boys, and put on a brave face, by noting that his Weiner, has “gone to back to bed,” and hasn’t even TURNED BLUE!  Tony, who knows a “Friend in Need” when he sees one, tries to cheer Chris up, by telling him his Weiner looks REALLY BIG NOW! 

“Why, thank you, TONY!  That’s so sweet of you to say!”

(Seriously?  How GAY is U.S. TONY?!  He can talk about Tea’s tatas all he wants.  But we’ve known the guy for only three episodes, and he’s already hit on EVERY SINGLE MALE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, at least once!  In fact, I’m starting to think that, perhaps, the reason he likes Tea so much, is that he’s in the market for a Beard. )

*Sigh* . . . “Chris’ Weiner, I Loooooooove YOU!”

To cap off the conversation, Tony “kindly” informs Chris that, since the latter broke the mirror in his mom’s dresser, he now has seven years of bad luck awaiting him.  Niiiiiice!

The Awkward Moment When Your Friends Learn that You Don’t Know what The Piledriver is . .

Chris, Tony and Stanley head downstairs, where no one has ANY money to pay the Pizza Man, and everyone is discussing Cadie’s and Stanley’s sex life.  When a skeptical Tea begins interrogating the virginal Stanley about this, Cadie, inPtrying to be “helpful,” casually mentions that Stanley had her “in the piledriver.”  Tea then slyly asks Stanley to elaborate.  Needless to say, it doesn’t go well . . .

“Ummm . . . is this going to be on the Virginity Test?”

For those of YOU out in TV Land who are wondering what the Piledriver is .  . . ummmm . . . yeah  . . . I’m not going to tell you.  Sorry, but you just never know when the Parent Teacher Council is secretly reading your blog . . .

In order to pay the Pizza Man, Chris and Stanley head to the electronics store, to try to sell back the soundsystem that he had recently purchased for the party . . .

Unfortunately, the Ornery Sales Person at the counter notices some pastry inside the machine, and tells Chris that all sales are final.  So, Chris and Stanley end up dumping the Sound System off at a junkyard, and exchanging it, and the wheelbarrow in which it came, for some drugs instead.  They then head back to Chris’ house with nothing more than what appears to be a dime bag of Dirty Sanchez . . .

I’m still not sure how they paid that Pizza Guy . . .

Back at Chris’ house, while the rest of the crew is sleeping, Poor Smitten Cadie FINALLY gets the chance to GENUINELY cuddle up wth Stan . . .

Unfortunately for Cadie, all Stanley wants to think about, or talk about, is Michelle and her possibly disproportionate Tata’s.   “Stanley, your hard-on is digging into my back,” she tells him.

“Oops . . . sorry,” Stanley replies, shifting himself into a more PG-rated position.

Chris’ Weiner would like you to know that HE would not be so easily bullied!

Eventually, everybody falls asleep.  The following morning, Chris and Daisy are the only ones still awake.  So, they gab together over coffee mugs filled with milk.  The result of this, of course, is that both of them have the cutest Milk Staches EVER!

“Got Milk?”

In hindsight, Chris would have been much better off hanging out with Daisy for the rest of the day.  Unfortunately, however, all his friends eventually leave (Daisy included).   So, he stumbles up to his bedroom for some much-needed shut eye . . . but not before having a little Dirty Sanchez Party, of his own . . .

The Awkward Moment When You Go to Pee in Your Shower and Find Some Homeless Dude Living in It . . .

As if things weren’t going bad enough for him already, Chris wakes up hungover as heck.  He then goes to the bathroom, and learns that someone STOLE HIS TOILET.  So, he steps into the shower, and turns on the water, only to be attacked by some homeless dude, who, eventually LOCKS HIM OUT OF HIS OWN HOUSE, while he is BUTT NAKED! 

(Chris’ Tatas and Bum, stick their metaphoric tongues out at his Weiner in TRIUMPH!  It’s THEIR TIME TO SHINE, NOW!)

Chris’ Dad’s a Total DICK!  (Not to be confused with Chris’ Weiner, which is lovely.)

For reasons I don’t quite understand, rather than running to one of his friends’ homes, Chris dashes off to the school.  The Skins Crew meets him there to give him some support.  They also supply him with what appears to be the way too small t-shirt of an 8-year old girl, and some pants to wear.  (Chris’ Belly Button CHEERS,  “My turn, B*tches!”) 

Teacher Tina is back, of course.  And she wants to know what Chris plans to do about his living situation.  Chris decides to try and live with his absentee father.  Daisy agrees to accompany him to the guy’s home.  While there, Chris’ Dad’s new wife, introduces Chris to the half-brother he never knew he had . . .

 

She also begins to show Daisy pictures of what she believes to be Chris as a baby.  But the pictures actually end up being of Chris’ his brother Peter, who died very young.  When Chris’ dad arrives home, he refuses to even SEE Chris.  Devastated, the poor little guy dashes from his dad’s home, with Daisy hot on his heels.

Eventually, Chris arrives at his brother’s gravestone . . .

Once there, Chris shares with Daisy his most fond memory of his older brother, Peter.   When Chris was a young child in day camp (or was it Boy Scouts?  I honestly can’t remember), he apparently peed his pants in public.  Rather than allow his little brother to be humiliated by his peers, Peter, who was a camp counselor at the time, lent Chris the pants off his bottom!  Together, the siblings walked into the sunset hand -in-hand, one of them COMPLETELY PANTS FREE! 

“Nobody laughed,” remarks Chris.

(Ummm . . . yeah, somehow I find THAT hard to believe . . .)

“Me too, and I was there!”

The Awkward Moment When Your Teacher Finds You Sleeping in the Trunk of Her Car . . .

Did I mention that Chris is LIVING Teacher Tina now?  Or that she gave him a pet fish (pun sort of intended)?  Or that he has inexplicably started taking her Estrogen Pills?

Yeah, because all THIS is not inappropriate, AT ALL!

Truthfully, not much happens at the end of the episode.  Well . . . that’s not entirely true.  Tea FINALLY shows us her Tatas at Tony’s house .  . .

“PEEKABOOB!”

(Well, she shows THE CAST her tatas.  We don’t really get to see anything — this, being the U.S. and all . . .)

And Tony.  . .  you guessed it . . . Stares Longingly at Tea and Pines for Love, as his little sister looks on with amusement . . .

“Oh, BROTHER!  You are so obviously gay!  Stop trying to pretend otherwise  . . .”

Then the whole Skins crew piles on top of one another, which, contrary to what the Virginal Stanley would like you to believe, is NOT the same thing as a Piledriver . . . not even close . . .

And that was Skins, Episode 3, “Chris” in a nutshell.  Next week, we watch as Cadie takes a lot of drugs, and Stares Longingly and Pines for Stanley’s Love some more.  Surely, it will be a UNIQUE experience, unlike one we’ve EVER witnessed on this show  . . .  since the last time it aired.

[www.juliekushner.com]

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