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The Family That Slays Together . . . – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Co-Captain”

Uncle Alpha:  “Come on, Scotty Boy!  We’ve got family business to attend to: places to see, people to kill, woodlands to frolic through!”

Scott: “Ummm .  . . OK . . . just give me a minute to get dressed.”

Uncle Alpha: “NO! No clothing!”

Derek: “Clothing is BAD and EVIL!”

Uncle Alpha:  “Feel free to take another shower, though . . .”

Welcome back, Werebangers!  Can you believe there are only two more episodes left in this season?  Two more hours of hot boys doing chin-ups and bench presses . . .

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 . . . stroking their man-meat, after a long hot shower . . .

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 . . . and running half-naked through the woods, like it’s their job?

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Oh . . . and I guess I’ll miss the plot too . . .

To be perfectly honest, I was a little skeptical coming into this episode.  After all, we spent Episode 1 through 9 speculating as to the Alpha’s identity.  And now that Episode 10 is here, that question has already been answered.  I worried that with the Big Mystery out of the way, the final three episodes of Teen Wolf would end up being a bit . . .  how do I put this kindly . . . anti-climactic.

Fortunately, I had nothing to worry about.  Though “Co-Captain” was a bit disjointed for my taste (and I really could have done without all the hippy folk music that played in the background, everytime Scott and Allison reunited), it absolutely held my interest, answered a lot of lingering questions I had about the series, and ended on a MAJOR cliffhanger that left me “hungry” for more.

So, pour your dad an extra tumblr of whiskey, ship your mom off on her date with the Friendly Neighborhood Serial Killer, and lock that guy (or girl) you’ve been crushing on in the basement, so he (or she) can’t escape, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf recap . .  .

(Once again, special  thanks to my good pal, Andre, for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Scott McCall – The CLEANEST WEREWOLF EVER!


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Oh no, Scott!  Your recently washed body is now rolling around on the dirty boy’s locker room floor!  I guess it’s time for yet another shower, huh? 😉

With all the drama of the Big Alpha Reveal, I almost completely forgot that  “Wolf’s Bane” ended with a lacrosse game!  Thank you, writers for not forcing me to actually watch it reminding me.  Of course, Beacon Hills won (Don’t they always?).  And now, thanks to the “excellent leadership” of Co-Captains, Douchey Mc Doucheybag and Scott the Crying Wolf, the team has advanced all the way to the State competition!

(Either that, or THIS guy has some strange disease that forces him to spout out random words, over and over again, ad nauseam, until someone beats the sh*t out of him, for being so annoying . . .)

Scott doesn’t seem quite as excited as his teammates by the victory.  After all, this Teen Wolf has bigger fish to fry.  There’s an Evil Alpha on the loose, and he hasn’t heard from his bestie, Stiles, in HOURS!  But, then of course, Allison shows up with her blinky doe eyes, and her “MY HERO!” flirtations.  And suddenly, Scott is like “Stiles who?”

Allison:  “Dude, what’s more important?  The fact that your best friend might be dead, or the fact that I am wearing a really low cut shirt, that allows you a nifty little peek at my boobies?”

Scott: “Is this a trick question?”

Was it just me, or did Allison kind of seem like she underwent Personality Transplant Surgery, this week (and don’t even get me STARTED on Derek)?  Just last week, she was all “Don’t call me!” and “I need time, before I can become your friend,” and “Do these jeans make my ass look fat?”  (Just kidding on that last one, by the way).  Now, all the sudden, she’s back on the Scott Train, requesting a round trip ticket to Pleasureland, doggy-style.  Now,  granted, perhaps, this has something to do with her overhearing that weepy speech Scott gave to Allison’s father .  . .


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But still, a little transition might have been nice, don’t you think?  Then again, Allison pretty much dumped Scott for no reason, in the first place, so . . . whatever.

Then Jackson appears, which means its time for him to once again sing his “I want to be furry, just like you” theme song to Scott . . .

Jackson too seems to have changed his tune a bit, since the last episode.  Back in “Wolf’s Bane,” Jackson was full of vim and vigor, and Big Bad Manly Threats, cautioning Scott, that if he didn’t somehow managed to turn him into a werewolf, Jackson would see to it that he lost Allison FOREVER!  He even included a creepy whispered timeline on the threat a la that chick from The Ring: “Three days,” he said, before amorously licking Scott’s earlobe.

However, sometime during the lacrosse game, Jackson apparently decided that you catch more werewolves with honey than with vinegar (or . . . maybe that was flies . . . I don’t know).  So, this time, Jackson approaches Scott with a NEW plan:  If Scott can help Jackson become a werewolf in THREE DAYS, Jackson will HELP Scott get Allison back in time for the Big Dance!

Well, isn’t HE Mr. Self-Sacrifice?  First, Jackson dumps Lydia for Allison, and now he seems more than willing to give up Allison on Scott’s behalf . . . and all for some pointy teeth, and a cheap pair of colored contacts . . . Then again, everybody knows that Jackson is secretly in love with Derek, anyway.  So, all if this is probably no big deal to him.

“You had me at ‘I wanna break your face.'”

Next up is a Men’s Locker Room Scene.  And you know what that means, Werebangers!  Cue the obligatory Wet Scott Wearing Nothing But a Towel Shot . . .

Never . . . gets . . .  old. 

In fact, I think Scott’s towel-wearing physique has mind control powers!  Last week, Derek promptly forgave Scott for TOTALLY selling him out to the local cops, and making him look like a serial killer.  This week, Derek’s (or should I say “Miguel’s”) new best friend, Danny seems EXTREMELY willing to forgive Scott for the MAJOR BEAT DOWN he gave him during practice, two weeks ago, in “Lunatic.”

“Apology accepted,” remarks Danny to Scott from across the lockers, while sporting a physique to rival the Great Teen Wolf’s . . .

For some reason, I love when a guy has just ONE dimple, on his cheek, instead of two matching ones on either side.  There’s just something really sexy about that . . .   It’s as if, on the right side, he’s just a boy, but on the left side and down below he’s ALL MAN!

According to Danny, Scott spent the entire lacrosse game passing the ball to HIM, thereby, helping him to become the game’s lead scorer.  Scott tries to shrug off the compliment, like it’s no big deal, but it does seem as though this was a conscious effort on Scott’s part.  If nothing else, Scott’s “dude-approved” non-verbal “apology” to Danny illustrates that he is FINALLY learning to keep his inner-wolf at bay, while on the field.  And, I expect we have Stiles’ Yoda-like training to thank for that . . .

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The Alpha Sure Gives Good Neck Rubs . . .

Suddenly, it’s dark in the locker room, and Scott is alone (and still undressed) yet again.

Question:  Why does it take Scott so much longer to get dressed than everyone else?  Is it because he takes like TWENTY SHOWERS a day, perhaps?  I just don’t understand how he always ends up in these situations . . .

But wait . . . Scott isn’t alone.  Here comes a BALL . . .

“Phew, it’s been a long hard day on the lacrosse field.  I was planning to take a long hot shower.  Care to join me, Scott?” 

Following that ball is Derek . . .

“Dude, why are you wearing SO MUCH CLOTHING?  We’re in a locker room, for heaven sakes!  This is SACRILEGE!  I COMMAND you to take off your shirt!”

This locker room is getting fuller by the minute.  But wait, there’s more partygoers on the guest list . . . like, for example, THIS GUY . . .

Yep, it would seem that, at some point between this week’s episode and last week’s that Derek and Uncle Alpha kissed and made up.   Now, Derek seems TOTALLY on Team Alpha.  In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was wearing a “Team Alpha” t-shirt under that Brooding Anti-hero leather jacket of his.  When Scott questions him as to what exactly happened to make him COMPLETELY change sides, Derek gives minimalistic zombie-like “I totally just drank this guy’s Kool-Aid” responses.  He even goes as far as to chalk up Uncle Alpha’s murder of his own sister to “It happens.”

With all due respect, Derek, THIS does not just “happen” . . . 

I know we are all supposed to be shocked by the lobotomy Uncle Alpha seemingly gave Derek, back at the hospital (His “join us” instruction to Scott was particularly chilling.).  However, I still don’t buy that Derek has done this complete 180 he’d like us to think that he has.  My current theory (and I’m sticking to it), is that Derek is merely biding his time — lulling the Alpha into a false sense of security, before he pounces, and kills the f*&ker!  Of course, I’ve been wrong before . . .

Speaking of Uncle Alpha . . .

Is that a French Manicure? 

 . . . I loved the little shout-out he gave to the original Teen Wolf franchise, and its basketball roots, by casually noting the superiority of THAT sport to lacrosse.  I suspect the comment was also a clever not to recappers and reviewers of the show, who find the show’s emphasis on lacrosse to be completely random, not to mention a bit tedious . . .

Since Scott doesn’t seem willing to put on the Team Alpha t-shirt anytime soon, Uncle Alpha resorts to giving him an impromptu neck massage.

  “Ooooh . . . that feels good . . . now, a little to the left please, and MUCH harder!”

What happens after that, gives us a bit of a clearer picture of what, beyond wolfsbane poisoning, has been happening to Jackson.  And why, ever since he was “fingered” by BOTH Derek, and the Alpha, he has seemed to have an unnatural connection to, obsession with, and instinctive knowlege of werewolves, particularly the ones that belong to Uncle Alpha’s, and, by extension, Scott’s pack . . .

Cue the highly sexual FLOOR WRITHING . . .


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Apparently, receiving a scratch on the neck by an Alpha, allows you to see what the Alpha has SEEN, or, at least, what he wants you to see.  Intermingled with a few unnecessary, but still, very nice to look at, Scott as Alpha shower shots, during this montage, we were treated to a number of scenes that more or less tell us the story of the infamous Hale House Fire (Though Kate may have been the one to orchestrate the arson, she wasn’t the one who lit the gasoline tank, herself.  Go figure), as well as how exactly it was that Uncle Alpha came to murder Laura Hale, and become the Alpha, himself.

I’ll allow you to examine some of the Highlights of Scott’s wet dream “religious experience” here:

Eventually, Scott’s neck stops throbbing, and Derek and Uncle Alpha leave the locker room for a Doggy Biscuit break, or whatever it is werewolf packs DO together . . .

Enter Stiles, who, by this point, is probably not the least bit surprised to learn that his best friend has been hanging out in a dark locker room for HOURS wearing nothing but a towel . . .

“Exactly how many plain white towels do you OWN, Scott?”

A frantic and breathless Stiles informs Scott that they’ve got a huge problem on their hands.  Gee thanks, Captain Obvious!  Tell us something we don’t know . . .

Drive Me Crazy .  . .

Kudos to MTV for treating us to Allison’s super-sexy Scott-centric sex dream!  Honestly, I’m starting to think these two are hotter together, when they are asleep than when they are awake!

Having been rudely awakened from her STD-free Dream Time with Wolfman, Allison overhears the sound of Papa Argent and Auntie Kate arguing heatedly about HER.  Down the steps she sneaks to the garage, where she hides in her dad’s car to get a better listen .  . .

There you go, Allison!  Just sit in the front seat, with your head RIGHT IN THE WINDOW.  I’m sure NO ONE will notice you there! 

Allison listens as her relatives discuss various hunting techniques, and disagree as to when Allison should be let in on the family secret.  Papa Argent seems completely oblivious to his daughter’s presence because he’s a MORON.  Katiepoo, however, gives the camera a long extended look toward the end of the scene, that seems to illustrate that, not only does she KNOW that Allison is listening in on her conversation but she is GLAD that this is happening . . .

After the parental units have left, Allison notices that Auntie Kate seems to have purposefully left out for her a few oddly shaped arrow tips, and decides to use them during her next archery practice .  . .

“These kind of look like the sex toys I tried out on Scott last week.  Ahhhh, memories!” 

The next morning, Jackson, clearly feeling emasculated by his non-wolfishness, has decided to go all Speed Racer on his porsche . . .

Unfortunately, Jackson’s car stalls out, leaving him stranded at . . . well, wherever the heck he is driving . . .

PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT, JACKSON!  Don’t make me tell you again!

Then creepy Papa Argent magically appears, he’s been stalking Jackson this whole time seemingly out of nowhere.  And he’s all about fondling the teenager’s neck scars, and interrogating him, as to his possible werewolf status.

Now, Jackson might not be the smartest tool in his shed, but he’s got enough innate survival skills in him, to spot a creeper, when he sees one.  So, Jackson has enough good sense to lie through his teeth about the source of his scratch, and to refuse to go anywhere alone with Papa Argent to have sex get his car fixed.  And yet still the poopyhead still looks plenty frightened of Papa Argent, and seems truly relieved when Scott and Stiles come to his rescue . . .

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At this point, Papa Argent recognizes that the jig is most definitely up.  With Stiles and Scott watching his every move, there is no way Papa is going to be able to take Jackson out back, and shoot him in the head, Old Yeller-style.  Instead, Papa replaces the piece of Jackson’s car he OBVIOUSLY removed at some point to get it to stall as suddenly as it did, and drives away with a reluctant puss on his face . . .  (Hmmm . . . I wonder if he still mistakenly believes that Jackson is a Beta wolf?)

When the car suddenly starts again, Jackson is understandably TOTALLY freaked out .  . .

Jackson:  “What the hell just happened there?”

Stiles: “Haha, you’ve just been punked by an Argent!  Loser!”

But  Jackson is not freaked out ENOUGH to not want to grow fur on his back . . .  And he tells Scott as much, when Scott gives him the “When I was YOUR age (a few weeks ago), back before being a werewolf RUINED MY LIFE” speech . . .

Scott warns Jackson that once you go wolf, there is no going back.  And Scott can’t protect him, once he makes that decision.  (Well, that makes sense.  Scott McCall couldn’t protect a blade of grass taped to the back of a bullet proof vest, let alone a douchebag like Jackson.)  But COCKY ASS Jackson doesn’t think he needs protecting.  After all, HE DRIVES A PORCHE!

Uhhhh . . . Jackson . . . haven’t you ever watched a horror movie before?  Don’t you know the rich dickheads are always one of the first ones to go (right after the dumb slutty girls)?  Just sayin’ . . .

Speaking of dumb slutty girls . . . Meanwhile, in the evil forest, where they filmed The Blair Witch Project (I know . . . I know . . . it’s not  actually that same forest.  But it REALLY looks like it is.) . . .

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Tasered . . .

Apparently, this is what you get when you make out with Allison Argent’s ex boyfriend in Coach Cupcake’s office . . .

You get to watch Allison Argent use her magic archery bows to blow up trees, while she subtly warns you that she KNOWS WHAT YOU DID, and that hole in the middle of the tree, could just as easily be up your butt!

“Sweet dreams, Lydia!” 

Then again, if you are the EX BOYFRIEND who made out with Allison Argent’s best friend in Coach Cupcake’s office, you get TASED!

 

Hahahahah!  Now IS the coolest thing I’ve seen Allison do in a LONG time! 

I don’t know.  I don’t necessarily buy the whole “I heard a noise in the woods.  I swear, I didn’t know it was you,” montage Allison gave when she found Scott writhing on the floor for the second time this hour.  (Poor GUY!  This is definitely not his episode.)

Take another acting class, Ms. Argent!  We know you are THRILLED that just happened! 

Now, considering that these weapons are “magical werewolf killing weapons,” wouldn’t it be interesting if that taser ended up being a “tases werewolves only” type weapon, thereby leading Allison to learn of Scott’s “alter ego” on her own?  Just conjecturing here . . .

So, according to Scott, he wasn’t STALKING Allison in the woods, at all!  (Yeah right!)   He simply came to give her back the Ugly Ass Argent Family Crest Necklace he stole he randomly found on the floor somewhere.  Allison is so greatful to Scott for “finding” this, that she decides to straddle his recently-tased body, and give him a major hard-on . . .

Talk about sending mixed signals . . . 

As annoying hippie music blasts in the background, Allison and Scott hug, and go their separate ways, each feeling a bit more “tingly” than they did when they left . . .

Meanwhile, at La Casa de Stiles . . .

Because Getting Your Dad Drunk to Ply Him for Information Sure Beats Having to Tase HIM!

 You’ve really gotta love these father/son moments between Stiles, his Dad, and his Dad’s trusty bottle of Jack Daniels.  I mean, it just doesn’t get much more adorable than this.  Stiles comes home to find Deputy Daddy poring over information in the Derek Hale as serial killer case, and wants answers.  In fact, he wants THE TRUTH . . .

But Deputy Daddy isn’t talking, because this is “classified information.”

So, Stiles tries to ply his father,  who, apparently, has the alcohol tolerance of flea, with liquor, in order to loosen his lips.  Now, on the surface, this doesn’t exactly seem like a “healthy” type of father/ son bonding experience.  On the other hand, I’m inclined to believe that Deputy Daddy, at least on some level, knew EXACTLY what his son was doing to him.  However, he went along with it, simply because he wanted to spend time with his kid, and this seemed like the easiest way to do it . . . Sad . . . but true . . .

It doesn’t take long, before Deputy Daddy is spewing out information like a leaky faucet.

“WOOHOO!  YIPPEE!”

One interesting factoid he reveals is that Derek doesn’t show up in pictures . . .

Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that a VAMPIRE trait, not a werewolf one?

I found this particular piece of information intriguing, in that we KNOW that Scott appears in pictures just fine, like, for example, the ones he sent to Allison’s phone, back when they first broke up . . . last week . . .

Now, perhaps, this little inconsistency can be chalked up to another “bitten versus born” difference . . . or perhaps, it has some more substantial meaning than that.  Only time will tell, I guess . . .

Deputy Daddy also reveals Uncle Alpha’s motive behind killing all those random folks, like the bus driver, and the janitor, and those two thugs who tried to rape Scott and Stiles.  ALL OF THESE DUDES seemed to play some role in the burning of the Hale house.

“Awwwww Yeah!  Yay for motive! “

Unfortunately, all this just serves to make Derek look even more guilty than he looked before . . .

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Things get a bit sentimental, when a Drunken Deputy Daddy starts waxing poetic about how much he misses Stiles’ deceased mother.  And though this unusual outpouring of emotion from Stiles’ father, makes Stiles feel like he’s going to probably spend an eternity in hell for what he has just done, he has a town to save, and therefore, exits Stage Left, at the first sign of Man Tears . . .

My Boyfriend . . . the Alpha . . .

So much for being an only child, Scott!  You’re about to get a litter!  I hope you like PUPPIES! 

Queen of the Cockteases, Allison needs to see Scott (the boy she just broke up with), right away.  When Scott sees Allison on his bed again, his weiner nearly JUMPS FOR JOY!

No . . . don’t worry, I’m not implying that Stiles IS Scott’s weiner . . . It’s just a pictoral  representation, Mmmm kay? 

Unfortunately, Allison doesn’t want to screw.  She just wants to talk . . . about her family zzzzzzzzz . . .

Cue, Momus Interruptus . . . not that she’s actually interrupting anything FUN!  In fact, if anyone is going to be having fun tonight, it’s MAMA MCCALL!  She’s got a hot date tonight!

Speaking of jumping for joy . . . 

Gee kiddies, I bet you can’t guess who Mommy’s new boyfriend is!  (Hint:  It’s not Santa Claus.)

Surprise, it’s the ALPHA!

(And if you didn’t guess that would happen THE MINUTE Mom appeared in Scott’s bedroom all tarted up, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you for a dollar . . .)

Apparently, the Alpha has this BRILIANT idea that converting Scott’s MOM into a werewolf and having her join the pack, will make membership seem more enticing to Scott.  To prove this, Uncle Alpha makes some random analogy to German U-boats, that actually makes him seem way nerdier and less badass than he did twenty minutes earlier.

Despite Scott making that hilarious face he always makes . . .

 Mom eventually absconds with Uncle Alpha, leaving Scott (well, more accurately Stiles) to pick up the pieces.  But first he has to blow of Allison (NO SEX FOR YOU TONIGHT!) by giving her those famous last words, “I’ll be right back!”

In other words, “Nice knowing ya, girlfriend!” 

On the way to their “date,” Uncle Alpha quickly reveals himself to have NO GAME WHATSOEVER, by creepily stroking the side of Mommy McCall’s face for NO REASON WHATSOEVER .  . .

And doing THIS . . .

Just so you know, single men, out there, doing THIS is not considered good foreplay.

Just minutes before Uncle Alpha either bites Mommy McCall’s tummy, or just plain eats her head off, it’s STILES to the rescue, with his much abused jeep, and his subpar driving skills.  He crashes into the Alpha’s car, like it’s his job . . . which it basically is.

“Uh oh!  I wasn’t INTERRUPTING anything, was I?”

Uncle Alpha notices Scott hiding behind Stiles’ car, and grudgingly congratulates him on a job well done.  (Well, at least the guy is not a sore loser!)

Of course, as you might have guessed, Uncle Alpha isn’t the kind of guy who’s just going to sit back and admit defeat.  No sir!  He’s going to have the last laugh, even if it means completely ruining his plans for World Domination.  (I generally think talking too much, is a sickness that spreads amongst TV supervillains, don’t you?)  So, Uncle Alpha helpfully tips off Scott to the fact that Derek is preparing to kill Jackson.

Why?  Because he “knows too much?”   Because he “has perfect hair?  Honestly, we aren’t too sure, but we are just going to go with it for now, because it makes for adequate damn good television . . .

Meanwhile . . .

Derek makes his move on Jackson (Interpret that statement as you will . . .)

Mutual interests: working out, listening to music, long walks on the beach, fast cars, eating humans and endless hours of SEX.

 You want a true testament to how much Teen Wolf writers adore their female and gay male viewers?  Observe THIS scene . . . It begins, appropriately enough with Jackson WORKING OUT.

 I just love the dedication to fitness on this show, don’t you? 😉  It seems like everyone (except for Stiles and Lydia) does active, mostly naked stuff, on a regular basis.  What a positive message for people who like looking at others naked our nation’s youth!).

So, there’s Jackson, pumping iron, grunting, sweating, flexing, preening . . . the whole nine yards, in the school gym, when in pops Derek (AGAIN, NO SECURITY IN THIS SCHOOL, AT ALL!), with his sly flirty smile and “deep appreciation for Jackson’s music. 

I smell a come on, don’t you?

The sexual innuendos continue, as Derek offers to give Jackson “everything he wants,” *gulp*, provided the latter follow him to his bedroom his house *double gulp*.  And that’s when things start getting REALLY weird . . .

“I don’t think we are in a Romantic Comedy, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean Derek!”

Having received the Magic Neck Rub, the minute Jackson arrives at Derek’s La Casa de Old and Decrepit, he immediately recognizes it from his dreams of the Hale fire . . . weird.  Even Derek seems taken aback by that piece of information.  But still, our Big Bad Sexy Wolf sticks to the game plan.  He threatens Jackson, telling him that he doesn’t deserve to live because nobody cares about him .  . .even though he has perfect hair, is rich, drives a nice car, and is  . . .  well, we will get to that last thing he is in a bit.

You know, I think that’s kind of harsh, Derek!  I think lots of golddigging women will care about Jackson for all of these reasons . .  . and only these reasons.  Then Derek shows Jackson his big ugly nail beds, and this makes Jackson CRY LIKE A B*TCH!

Oh gosh!  My eyes!  Those are the ugliest fingernails I have ever seen!  Please, put them away!  I beg you!”

Jackson instinctively knows that he is no match for this Hunka Hunka Burning Love.  He’s petrified . . . begging for his life, like he’s probably never had to beg for anything in his entire shallow existence.  And, honestly, I think that’s kind of the point of this whole exercise . . . to give Jackson some tough love  . . . to convince him, once and for all, that being a werewolf is not all it’s cracked up to be . . . and, above all, to keep those big fat lips of his shut.

If Derek really wanted to kill Jackson, he could have done it back at the gym, by bashing his head in with some barbells.  He wouldn’t have even had to break a sweat.  But hey . . . what do I know . . .

Earlier I mentioned that there was one other thing Derek mentioned that Jackson IS that nobody cares about . . .  and that’s . . . wait for it “captain of the lacrosse team.”

 

Well, Scott McCall would certainly beg to differ with this statement!  That’s right boys and girls.  It is at THIS precise moment that Scott decides to make his presence known, and save Jackson’s life for the SECOND time this hour even though he wasn’t really in any particular danger either time.  “CO-CAPTAIN!” Scott insists, from the top of Derek’s ratty staircase . . .

In two seconds flat, a now wolfed out Scott is flying down the bannister, like a bat out of hell (That looked like fun.)  And the two Wolf Headed Weirdos (Yep, Derek is back to looking like a Jackass in Wolf Gear!  The sexy glowing eyes were fun while they lasted!) begin to WRESTLE . . . again . . .

Shots ring out from outside the house . . . of course, it’s the hunters. Now, Derek is on Scott’s side, united against a common enemy.  “Run SCOTT!  GET OUT OF HERE!”  He commands.

Meanwhile, Jackson probably just pooped in his pants . . .

We don’t get to see much of what happens next because Scott is pumped full of magic werewolf killing bullets.

Oh sweetie, that lipstick is ALL WRONG for your skin tone!

Somehow Bloody Scott manages to escape the warzone, and ends up in the forest.  Believing himself to be dying, he makes one last cry for the woman he loves (OH PUHLEASE!) before he falls unconscious . . .

Next thing you know, Scott is being carried to the animal clinic, where he has the lethal bullets extracted from his body by .  . . THE VET?

Well, technically, he IS a dog . . .

For weeks, many of us have wondered what exactly the vet’s relationship was with the werewolf community.  Ladies and weres, I think we’ve just figured it out!

Meanwhile, at Scott’s house . . .

Golly Gee, Auntie Kate!  Can I get one of those for MY basement?

Clearly, over an hour has passed, and Allison is still waiting for Scott on his bed.  *cough DESPERATE cough*  Finally, she gets a text message from Kate, requesting her presence, and she has enough self respect to leave.  Allison meets Kate, and the former leads her down to the DUNGEON beneath the Walmart of Guns.  (Because of course, the Walmart of Guns would come equipped with its own Dungeon.  I mean, why the heck not?)

“Every family has it’s secrets,” explains Captain Obvious Auntie Kate.  “Ours is a little different.”

Allison tentatively enters the dungeon, with an eager drooling Kate on her heels.  What she finds down there is not something she ever, in her wildest dreams, could have guessed.  (Though many of us had an inkling.)  Wanna see what was down there?  Here you go!

Smile for the camera, Wolfman!

Something tells me the Alpha isn’t going to be too happy about THIS!

See ya next time, Werebangers!

[ww

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“I could see into your soul (if you still had one).”- A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s “The Emerald City”

“Mirror, Mirror, On the Wall, who has the Creepiest Stalker of them all?”

“Oh, Margaret, honey.  That is ALL YOU!”

There’s a bit of bad behavior in EVERY episode of Boardwalk Empire.  But this week’s hour seemed to have more than most . . .  When Al Capone and That Sniper Guy are the most well-behaved characters of the hour, you know you’re in for some SERIOUSLY NAUGHTY STUFF.  Santa would not approve . . .

Well . . . maybe THAT Santa would . . .

So, without further adieu, let’s return to “The Emerald City,” to find out who topped Bad Santa’s Naughty List, and who played “nice” . . .

Richard Harrow:  A Man with a Heart of Gold (and a Face that Scares the Sh*t out of the Kiddies)

Don’t you hate it, when you’re dreaming about that hooker you slept with, and some bratty kid wakes you up, by screaming and crying about how hideous you look?

“Hey kid!  Why are you looking at me like that?  Do I have something in my eye?” 

 Apparently, Nucky has found use for Jimmy’s new friend Richard Harrow.  He has decided to employ the expert sniper as a “bodyguard” for Margaret and her children, following the whole “shooting” incident.  This would be fine, except for the fact that Margaret’s kids can’t stand to look at Poor Richard’s face, without bursting into tears or hurling.  Fortunately, Margaret has an idea!

She invites Richard to hang out with her and the kiddies, while she is reading them The Wizard of Oz.

When they get to the part about the Tin Man, Richard pipes in and says that HE IS THE TINMAN!

Of course, the kids think this is really cool.  Because EVERYONE likes to hang out with a CELEBRITY, right?   Even celebrities who are missing an eyeball, and have really scary chewed-up looking faces . . . 

Now the kids are just in LOVE with their new friend, The Tin Man.  This means that Margaret has to apologize to Richard for being such a heinous b*tch about his appearance, when she first met him.  Richard, being the kickass stand-up guy, he is, says, “No problem!  I freak myself out, when I look in the mirror too!”

Awww, Tin Man!  How I heart you!

Speaking of celebrities I adore . . .

Al Capone – When Naughty Boys Grow into Naughtier Man

Before the St. Valentine’s Day Massacre . . .before he made history as one of the Most Cutthroat Criminals of ALL TIME, Capone was just a kid at heart.  This was a guy who got his jollies out of putting sparklers in his boss’ cigarettes,” beating up reporters, and shooting Jimmy in the ear.  But that all changed when Capone went to a Bar Mitzvah . . .

Stop laughing, I’m serious!

At the Bar Mitzvah that CHANGED EVERYTHING, a Cute Little Old Jewish Dude told Capone that Age 13 is more than old enough to take responsibility for one’s actions.  And, as we all know, Capone is quite a bit older than 13, and yet is still making fart jokes, and putting sparklers in people’s cigarettes.  Cute Little Old Jewish Dude also dissed on Capone’s clothing, telling him that he was a man wearing the hat of a little boy. 

If Cute Little Old Jewish Dude had met Capone a few years later, that remark would have earned him a cap in his ass! 

But Baby Capone took the advice to heart.  Later that evening, he visited Torrio, wearing a BIG BOY’S HAT . . .

With a new sense of purpose, Capone tells Torrio that he is ready to act like a man, and take on more responsibility within the organization.

And, all I can say, is it’s ABOUT DAMN TIME! 

Meanwhile, back in New Jersey, Al Capone’s pal, Jimmy, is trying to get laid . . .

Jimmy Darmody = Bad to the Bone!

“Darmody family — You just beat the crap out of a sort-of innocent (but douchey) family photographer, what are you going to do now?  (Bear in mind that Disney Land hasn’t been built yet . . .)”

When we first check back in with the Darmody family, Angela is hard at work painting one of her signature Ugly Ass Pieces of Artwork.  Jimmy, who hasn’t been laid since that time last week — when he did it with Angela on the kitchen table — starts telling her how gorgeous it is, in hopes of getting back in her pants.  “When you are at war, it is easy to forget that things like art and beauty exist,” Jimmy waxes poetically. 

(In other words, “I fought for my country, dammit.  Doesn’t that merit at least one good f*ck from you?”)

Apparently, it does!

Did I mention, that before these two DID IT, they “played with paint,” in a way that TOTALLY reminded me of that Pottery Scene from Ghost, only not nearly as sexy?

“Oh Mr. Swayze!  Your POTTERY is so big, strong and hard.  I love to knead it with my fingers . . .”

Still smelling of sex, the Darmody family heads out for a short walk on the Boardwalk.  Little Tommy runs ahead to the Photographer’s shop.  There, he sees a picture of the Photographer and his wife in the window, and wisely tells Jimmy, “That’s Mommy’s Kissing Friend!”

OOPS!

Yes, boys and girls!  Angela Darmody is clearly a model of good parenting.  Not only does she paint pornographic pictures, and ask her son to evaluate them, she also apparently MAKES OUT WITH PEOPLE THAT AREN’T HER HUSBAND, RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. 

As if Tommy D, wasn’t screwed up enough by his mother, his father has to go to THIS . . .

AND THIS . . .

 . . . to that Dweeby Photographer with the Pedophile Mustache who’s NOT ACTUALLY SCREWING HIS WIFE.  Of course, about 30 men and women, gather to watch “the show,” but NOT ONE comes to the poor guy’s rescue! 

(Poor Kitty Genovese from the Future nods sympathetically.)

Obviously, Jimmy assumed that it was the Photographer to whom his son was referring, and NOT the Photographer’s Wife.  (Otherwise, he probably would have started drooling, and asked to watch.  We all know how much guys love their lesbians!) 

Later, the Dull as Dishwater Angela (SERIOUSLY?  What the heck do all these people see in this BORING woman?) and the Photographer’s wife meet to commiserate, make out some more, and plan their Great Escape to Paris . . .

Yeah, it’s nice to dream and all.  But I’m pretty sure one of you is getting whacked, by the end of the season.  And I don’t mean in the “good and fun” way either . . .

Speaking of getting whacked . . .

Van Alden Grosses Me Out for the SECOND time this season . . .

Of course, Awful Lucy had to be involved .  . . Can they PLEASE just kill this character off already?  I’ll pay them!

When we first see Van Alden this week, he is getting his ass handed to him by his boss, over at the FBI .  . .

 . . . for letting his crooked runt of a minion conveniently kill the ONLY eyewitness to Darmody’s involvement in the Liquor Heist killings.  Nelson’s boss basically tells Nelson that he sucks at life, and I agree. 

To make himself feel better, Creepy Van Alden decides to visit Margaret at her new home, and show off his spot-on impersonation of Anthony Bates from Psycho

They do kind of look alike .  . .

Nelson hopes that doing this, will cause Margaret to fall madly in love with him.  And they can live Crazily Ever After . . .  (Thus, proving that Nelson isn’t just TOTALLY loony tunes, he’s also a moron .  . .)

At first, when Van Alden shows Margaret that Ellis Island picture of her that he’s been literally “whacking off too” all Season, she thinks that she’s about to get deported . . .

But that’s not it at all.  Instead, Van Alden has come to “save her soul from eternal hellfire and damnation.”  (Talk about an ambitious visit!)

“I can see into you’re soul, every night when I look at this picture,” Van Alden exclaims SUPER CREEPILY, grabbing Margaret’s hands, as if he’s about to propose.

“HELP!  Where’s my Scary Sniper Friend, when I need him?”

Nelson begins his pitch, You’re life doesn’t have to be like this rich, decadent, care free, work free, exciting, fun.  I can offer you SO MUCH MORE craziness, back slashings, poverty, self-righteous rantings and ravings, loveless letters about the plumbing, crippling boredom.”

“Hi, Margaret.  My name is Mrs. Van Alden.  I’d like to let you know, that I will gladly give you Nelson, if you really want him.”

Fortunately, Margaret has grown a backbone, since her days of getting regular Nookie with Nucky.  So, she kicks Crazy Town Van Alden’s ass out of the house!

So, Mr. Teetotaler Van Alden — intent on having Nucky’s Sloppy Seconds, if it kills him — heads to a bar, and, after having a few shots (but not nearly enough to make Lucy attractive), approaches Lady Dumb Slut, and takes her back to his ill-furnished apartment.  There, we are treated to a full frontal of Lucy, and four minutes of the LEAST HOT PORNO SCENE you could ever imagine!  (Seriously, I’ve seen puppets have more enjoyable sex than this . . .)

When it’s all over, Lucy is still giving off moans of  fake pleasure . . . probably because the sex was so dull, and she was so wasted, that she didn’t even realize the romp had ended . . .

Speaking of “Faking it” . . .

Margaret Builds a Better Future for Womankind Herself

When Margaret learns that women have finally won the right to vote, she is understandably thrilled.  She’s even excited enough to have a few drinks with Nucky, in celebration.  Margaret becomes less excited however, when Nucky asks her to speak at the League of Women Voters event, on behalf of Mayor Elect Mr. Bayer, despite the fact that he has no political experience whatsoever, and was basically nominated, jut so he could do Nucky’s bidding.

Personal reservations aside, Margaret actually gives a fairly rousing speech for the construction worker.  (Heck, that “building a future” metaphor was so impressive, I would probably vote for the guy!  And I KNOW what a lame-o he is!) 

Later, however, when Bayer gets up to give HIS speech, and Nucky’s too busy plotting his own politics to even pay attention to it, Margaret begins to wonder whether she did the right thing . . .

(Psst, Margaret.  You DIDN’T do the right thing!  But you and your kids are filthy rich now, and you never have to work again.  So WHO CARES?)

Speaking of doing the WRONG THING . . .

Note to Self:  Choking Someone is a VERY Inefficient Way of Killing Them.  (Guns are BETTER)

Hoping that by playing both sides, he can keep himself from getting killed, Sleazeball Mickey Doyle approaches Nucky to rat out the D’ellessio’s for (1) robbing his “tax collector,” (2) killing one of Chalky White’s associates, and (3) trying to kill Nucky on the Boardwalk.  He also exposes Rothstein’s alliance with the D’Alessio’s, and their plans to edge out Nucky for control of the Atlantic City liquor business. 

Nucky shows his gratitude to Mickey for offering up this information, by doing this . . .

However, upon coming to the conclusion that Mickey is worth more to him alive than dead (for now), Nucky ultimately lets him go, with a pat on the back, and a drink filled with Jimmy’s saliva (and we all KNOW where all that mouth has been!). 

Later, Nucky approaches Bootlegger Chalky White with a plan to screw over the D’allesio’s (and, by extension, Arnold Rothstein), and exact revenge.  As part of the set up, Nucky instructs Chalky to pretend his relations wth Nucky have soured, and that he would like to make a deal with Rothstein, instead.

Chalky agrees to go along with the plan.  However, when he actually meets with the D’Alessio’s and Lansky, he quickly figures out that THEY were behind the murder of his associate.  Let’s just say, he’s not happy about it . . .

Once Lansky and the two dumb D’Alessio’s, who’s first names I don’t know (Does it really matter?  They are all going to end up dead, anyway!) are incapacitated, Nucky and Jimmy are called to the scene . . .

The tall skinny funny looking D’Alessio is dumb enough to ask Jimmy if he’s going to shoot him, for mouthing off.  “Well, I wasn’t going to, but you kind of talked me into it,” Jimmy replies.

Dumb D’Alessio #1 is dead now.  And Dumb D’Alessio #2 is blubbering like a baby. 

“I think I just pissed my pants.”

Considering he’s unarmed, and just watched his Funny Looking Brother get his head blown off, you’d think the dude would have learned to be quiet.  But NO! The Dude really wants his SAG card starts threatening Chalky, telling him that his other, equally dumb, brothers are going to “string [Chalky] up, just like they did to his business associate.”

Chalky doesn’t like that very much, so he starts choking the guy.   And it takes a LOOOOOOOOOONG time.  So, long that Jimmy leaves to take a leak, and a bored Nucky starts cleaning the other D’Alessio off the floor.  Even Meyer Lansky is trying to look at his watch.  Unfortunately, his hands are tied behind his back.  So, he closes his eyes, and takes a nap . . .

FINALLY Dumb D’Alessio #2 is dead.   So, Nucky wanders over to a dozing Meyer Lansky to untie him.  “Tell Mr. Rothstein what you witnessed here,” Nucky informs his new personal messenger service.

Relieved to still be alive, historically, the guy lived to be 80, so we know his character isn’t dying anytime soon Meyer dashes off to deliver “Nucky’s message” to his boss . . .

“You’re telling me, he could have shot him, but he CHOKED HIM INSTEAD?  That must have taken FOREVER!  I bet you haven’t eaten in hours.  Come over to my place for some milk and cookies!”

At the end of the episode, Nucky comes back to Margaret’s bed smelling like Dead A’lessio’s.  He tells his lover how proud he is of her for being a Big Fat Liar, during that speech she gave earlier.  However,  a guilty-feeling Margaret just dejectedly crinkles her nose. 

“I’m totally judging you, right now.”

Note to Nucky:  If you plan on getting laid, after a night of doing EVIL, you might want to consider showering first . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

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