Tag Archives: 2.01

Say Hello to My Little Winky! – A Recap of Boardwalk Empire’s Season 2 Premiere “21”

(NOTE:  For those of you who might be poking around for a certain Gossip Girl recap, I PROMISE it’s coming.  I’m just a day behind in my recapping schedule.  😦  Check back here around this time tomorrow, 9/28, and you’ll most definitely find it . . . Thanks for being patient!  )

“The new season of Boardwalk Empire starts this week.  Gotta look HOT!  You just know all the ladies love Buscemi!” 

Greetings fellow Boardwalkers!  Welcome back!  Man, it’s been a long time since I’ve talked to you!  I can’t believe it’s been an ENTIRE year since I last used THIS animated GIF . . .

For the record, I plan to use it AT LEAST two more times in this recap  . . . 

 Did you watch the Season Premiere?  If you didn’t, you missed a good show!  Let’s see .  . . people got blown to pieces, and had their necks slashed . . . there was some very awkward sex in a hotel room . . . we got to hear an interesting discussion about Jimmy Darmody’s winky .  . . that tubby old guy with the glasses did hilarious-looking exercises in his living room.  (By the way, if anybody has a picture of this, please send it my way, and I will be forever indebted to you!)

All in all, it was a fitting end to an interminable hiatus.  And I’m very eager to discuss it with you.

Maybe a little too eager . . . 

So, pop that cork, and load that gun, because we are about to have some fun . . .

The rhyming .  . . it was too much, right? 

“When you get what you want, you don’t want what you get.”

“I’m not wearing any underwear!  WOOHOO!”

Boardwalk Empire is nothing if not cinematic.  And why wouldn’t it be?  It’s produced by FRIGGIN MARTIN SCORCESE!  They don’t get much more cinematic than that . . .

“Are you talkin’ to me?”

The opening sequence of the episode, along with the song that accompanies it, pretty much sets the tone for the rest of the hour.  Four months have passed since we last spent time with our Boardwalk Empire crew.  And though many of them seem to have achieved what they “wanted” last season, few of them appear to be genuinely happy with the results.

New address . . . nicer clothes . . . better hair . . . same perma-b*tchface.

The year is 1921.  Prohibition is technically still in effect.  Except, it’s about as well-enforced as the “No Underage Drinking,” regulations at a present-day frat party, or the “No Pot” laws at a Dave Matthews Band concert.  A new shipment of booze has just come to shore.  And a bored-looking, recently-married, Jimmy Darmody, along with his trusty facially-challenged sidekick Richard Harrow, direct the cargo off the boats and into cars, where it will be shipped to Chalky White’s distillery.

YAY, Capitalism! 

There, it will be watered-down significantly, and rebottled, so that restaurants and bars around town can pay twice what it’s actually worth to serve it.  And Average Joe American can pay double THAT price to drink it.

Meanwhile, the no-longer arsenic-poisoned Commodore is doing what appears to be Tae Bo in his stuffed animal-infested living room.  Also in this sequence, we get to see a very sad Margaret Schroeder (Isn’t she ALWAYS very sad?) waking up alone in Nucky’s big empty bed, while he canoodles with a new trampy-looking lady, at yet another high class Atlantic City Orgy “business meeting.” (Well, that certainly didn’t take long!)

“What can I say?  I’m irresistible!”

Lest you think this entire episode is going to be all broody and contemplative about the “meaning of life” and “true happiness” and such, we are about to get to the GOOD STUFF . . .

Those Pesky Sheet-heads are at it again!

SHEEETTTT!

OK . . . this next part . . . I’m not going to lie . . . It’s kind of awesome.  And this is coming from someone who doesn’t condone violence at allWho am I kidding?  Fake violence RULES! So, Chalky is at his warehouse, overseeing the delivery of his alcohol shipment . . .

First of all, loving the outfit.  That hat? The red jacket with the fur collar?  The solid gold tie?  This guy is a TOTAL PIMP!

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 . . . when suddenly there’s a knock at the door.  It’s THIS GUY . . .

“Knock, Knock.”

“Who’s there?”

“Dead.”

“Dead who?”

“Dead YOU (and me).” 

Yep . . . so much for a security guard.  Those sheet heads from the KKK have come to crash this Jamaican Rum Party.  (Perhaps, the Rum Runners should have had a little CAPTAIN in them?)

“It’s just a Halloween costume.  I don’t know why you guys are getting so upset.”

 The Sheet Heads are shooting down the doors.  People are DYING!  One of the guys even has the NERVE to hold a gun to my darling Chalky’s beautiful head . . .

Fortunately, like all bigots, Sheet Head is a TOTAL MORON.  And instead of, you know, actually DOING WHAT HE CAME TO DO, he starts making the classic cartoon villain mistake of MONOLOGUING about the murder he’s about to commit.  This gives the Bad Ass Chica in the background the opportunity to fire a round right into Chalky’s would-be murderer’s shoulder, and TAKE THAT RACIST ASSHAT OUT!

Talk about standing by your man (or . . . someone else’s man . .  . whatever)!  I haven’t seen this much self-sacrificing bravery since Rupert Murdoch’s wife dove into that PIE, during the congressional hearing . . .

Unfortunately, she got blown up about two seconds later . .  .

R.I.P. Little Miss Awesomesauce . . . I’ll still remember you as the best thing about this episode. 🙂 

And then those damn Sheetheads got away!  But not before a thankfully ALIVE Chalky got one more parting shot at them . . .

 

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I may or may not have cheered, and raised a fist in triumph, when this happened.  Does that make me a bad person?

“Let’s SCHOOL these crackers!”

Learn, dammit! 

Nucky arrives home from a long HARD night of getting wasted and banging whores  planning Atlantic City’s future, when he gets news about the shooting.  Since the KKK are a fairly influential group in Atlantic City at this time, and Chalky is an important ally of Nucky’s both in the illegal liquor business, and in his ability to secure for the politician the much-prized African American vote, Nucky finds himself between a rock and a hard racist place.  And so he decides to visit Chalky at his home, along with his turncoat soon-to-be dead, just like Fredo brother, Eli.

All in all, it’s a rather uncomfortable meeting, that begins with an uncomfortably long piano solo by Chalky’s suprisingly preppy son, and continues with an uncomfortably awkward meal.  Nucky is frustrated with Chalky for shooting at white people, without consulting him first, because that makes HIM look bad.

Seriously, Chalky, had you texted me, when all this was happening, I would have totally told you to hold your fire.  Wait . . . sorry . .  wrong decade. 

(Ummm . . . yeah . . . it’s called self-defense, Nucky . . . learn it . . . live it . . . love it.)

 Chalky wonders why this happened in the first place, especially considering that a big part of the reason he allied with Nucky in the first place,  was to get protection from gun-toting wackadoodles like this.  Chalky’s plan is to crash a Klan meeting, guns blazing, and “SCHOOL THE CRACKERS.” And this is just such a cool phrase, I’d totally have it printed on a t-shirt, if I didn’t think that would probably get me beaten up in the city . . .

I was just kidding about the t-shirt, Chalky.  I swear! 

Nucky promises to do a less sucky job protecting Chalky in the future.  However, he cautions him to hold off on the “Cracker Schooling,” lest he accidentally get himself killed.  Nucky also agrees to refrain from arresting Chalky until further notice.  All in all, it seems like a pretty level-headed compromise on BOTH sides . . .

But things become even more complicated when, during one of Nucky’s community forums, one of the KKK members barges in to announce that a member of clan has died, due to wounds he sustained during the shoot out.  Coincidentally, this is the same guy that ALMOST killed Chalky, but was taken out by Little Miss Awesomesauce (R.I.P.).

“I should be in a brothelhome having sex with a random slut my wife, right now.”

Nucky, who had begun his speech, diplomatically condemning BOTH the African American Rum Runners and the KKK for their actions, finds himself forced to secretly arrest Chalky .  . . “for his own good.”  Something tells me Chalky isn’t going to like that very much . . .

Why PETA HATES the Commodore . . .

So, you like to shoot animals, and stuff them, huh, Old Man?  Well, STUFF THIS!

Back at La Casa de Commodore, Jimmy’s heretofore absentee dad is hard at work Lady Macbeth-ing his ambivalent son to usurp Nucky’s control over Atlantic City.  (It’s pretty strongly implied that Commodore and Co., were behind the KKK raid of Chalky’s warehouse, and his attempted assassination.)  Some of Commy’s advice makes sense.  For example, he tells Jimmy to start forging his own business connections in the liquor trade (a good idea), and to start developing a more positive public presence in the community, by shaking hands, kissing babies, and such (another good idea).  Then he starts point out all these creepy dead animals hanging around his house, and talking about how he killed them . . .

I don’t get it . . . and I don’t LIKE IT! 

He starts telling one story in particular about shooting a bear in the stomach, while looking him straight in the eye, when he was 10.  And I think it was supposed to be “metaphoric” about how you should, confront your enemies, and show no fear, and other such bullsh*t.  But, honestly, I was so disturbed by that poor teddy bears horrified visage, that I wasn’t really paying attention . . .

In my defense, I don’t think Jimmy was either . . . 

Oh, the Commodore did have one thought-provoking line in his otherwise interminable animal-slaughtering monologue.  And this was it: “You will be judged by what you succeed at, not by what you attempt.”

Depressing . . . but true.

In other Bad Parenting News . . .

Things you shouldn’t do to your kids #1 – KISS THEIR WINKYS!

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So, Jimmy finally decided to make an honest woman out of his lesbian wife, and move her and his kid into a nice big house, thanks to the raise he got from Nucky.  Also crashing in this rather sizeable pad, is Jimmy’s pretty, but promiscuous, Mommy, and his loyal sidekick, Richard (more on him later).

“Did you just say, ‘Grandma’s hot?” 

The odd little dynamic of this extended family, becomes immediately apparent in this breakfast scene.  Mrs. Darmody is clearly the third wheel in her own marriage.  First Mama Darmody insists on making Jimmy’s eggs, since SHE is the only one who knows how he likes them.  Then, when Jimmy suggests taking his son bird hunting, just as Nucky took him, back when he was young (important later), and Angela protests, Mama Darmody jumps right in, and sides with her son.

Mommy dearest? 

I have to say, as much as I found the character of Angela Darmody to be a HUGE bore, back in Season 1, I was pretty proud of her, this week.  In most shows where the Mother-in-Law babies her son, and passive-aggressively lashes out at her daughter-in-law, it can takes WEEKS before the wife has the (for lack of a better term) balls to actually say something about it.  Angela confronts Mama Darmody immediately (as soon as Jimmy leaves, of course) about undercutting her authority.  To this, Mama Darmody casually replies that when Jimmy was a baby, she used to kiss his winky.

Now, for a while, a lot of fans have speculated as to the nature of Jimmy’s relationship with his mother . . .  specifically, how Oedipal it might be.  Some have even gone as far as to suggest that their relationship is a sexual one.  Maybe I’m just being naive here.  But, while I think that Gillian and Jimmy DEFINITELY have an inappropriate relationship — one borne out of her having given birth to him at the tender age of 13, and her constant need to be found desirable by ALL men, even her son — I don’t think it quite rises to that level of gross misconduct.

You know how dogs mark their territory, to silently inform other dogs that they should back off?

Yeah.  I think it’s safe to say that Gillian was metaphorically peeing on Jimmy here, to send Angela a message , which coincidentally, is probably exactly what Baby Jimmy would do to Gillian, if she ever got NEAR his winky to do anything other than change a diaper.

Things you shouldn’t do to your kids #2 – Give them wads of cash for trying to SET THEIR SCHOOL ON FIRE

“You just keep lighting those matches, Kiddies.  Mama needs a new pair of shoes!” 

So, remember back in Season 1, when Nucky used to get all weepy, while looking at thost baby incubators . .  . and he boo hoo hooed, about wanting to start a family, and got all upset when Margaret tried to Lysol herself in to contraception?  Yeah, those days are clearly over.  Nucky’s cool about being a dad, when it comes to reminiscing about the “good old days,” of going duck hunting with Little Jimmy.  But when it comes to Margaret’s kids, he pretty much can’t be bothered . . .

This leaves Margaret to cope with the unsightly bruises popping up all over her son, Teddy’s hands, and the fact that he’d rather hide under the kitchen table all day than go to school.  As it turns out, Teddy’s been whacked by his nun . . .

Bad NUN!

Teddy insists that he did nothing to deserve such treatment.  So, Margaret, who seems to be a fairly adept, if slightly cold and Betty Draper-esque mother herself, heads to the school to confront the Slugger Nun.  As it turns out, Slugger Nun hit Teddy because he was playing with matches in the school closet, seems obsessed with fire (FORESHADOWING!), and would have likely been expelled, were it not for Nucky’s high holy connections within the school.  Margie is a bit humiliated now, but relieved .  . . apparently, being a “play toy” for a powerful man has its perks . . .

 

But as kept a woman as she has become, Margaret Schroeder is no dummy.  And so the next time she hears Nucky moaning and carrying on about how Jimmy won’t call him Daddy anymore, she cleverly suggests that he start fathering HER son.  He can start by telling him to STOP TRYING TO BURN THINGS.

Only YOU can prevent Boardwalk Empire Fires . . .

I was saddened, and a bit disturbed, by the fact that, the minute Nucky entered Teddy’s room, he immediately started stripping down to his boxers.  For one thing, it reminded me that Margaret’s first husband was abusive to her, and likely was abusive to her kids as well.  It also reminded me of Gillian’s winky comment .  . . which gave me the shivers . . . if you catch where I’m going with this . . .

But Nucky didn’t want to hit Teddy . . . which was good.  Unfortunately, he didn’t want to PARENT him either . .  . which was bad.  After boredly and awkwardly telling the kids that he should . . . you know . . . not burn stuff anymore, Nucky actually digs into his wallet, and hands Teddy a sizeable bill.  (I think it may have even been a TWENTY  . . . which was SOOO much money back then.)  “Run along to the candy shop,” says Nucky to a surprised looking Mini Schroeder.

Hey Nucky, if by chance you are still alive when this comes out, I have a great movie recommendation for you . . .

(Hey, I just remembered something, didn’t Little Teddy watch Nucky burn down his father’s house, last season?  Uh oh . . .)

Meanwhile, at the complete opposite end of the “warmth” spectrum . . .

Why Richard Harrow needs a HUG . . .

Poor Richard Harrow!  Talk about a serial killer with a heart of gold!  My heart started to go out to the guy, the minute I saw him, sadly pushing his food around his plate, so as not to burden the Darmody family with his inability to hide his disfigurement while eating.  To Jimmy’s credit, he immediately senses his friend’s discomfort, and tells him not to worry about his appearance.  And when that doesn’t work, he kindly offers Richard the option of taking some biscuits back to his bedroom.  An offer Richard accepts gratefully .  . .

Richard’s inquiry to Jimmy about what it feels like to have everything, is an equally sad moment for both characters.  After all, what Jimmy has that Harrow wants is so minimal . . . a family who loves him, a home of his own, and a full-face.  And though Jimmy has all of these things, we know that he isn’t happy.  He wants more for himself, but isn’t quite sure what that entails.  His mother and father are pushing him to usurp Nucky’s position of power.  However, he seems ambivalent about such a future, and slightly troubled by the personal betrayals he will inevitably have to exact, in order to obtain it . . .

“I’m just a boy . . . with a knife . . . and a lot of guns . . . waiting for somebody to love me.”

Later we find Richard upstairs reading . . . Oh, wait  . . . he’s not reading, he’s cutting pictures of families and happy couples out of magazines and pasting them in a book.  OMG!  It’s a DREAM BOOK!  Richard Harrow READS THE SECRET!

Did I just undermine this sweet, and incredibly poignant moment, with a lame joke about a self-help book?   Yeah, I think I did.  Moving on . . . 

Why people who repeatedly refer to themselves in the third person don’t deserve to LIVE . . .

“Yeah, there are these words called ‘I’ and ‘me.’ Learn to use them, or ‘I’ will shoot off your face.” 

In case, I haven’t mentioned it before (and I know I haven’t), AL CAPONE’S BACK!

LOVE HIM! 

Having said that, the one scene we got to see him in, was actually pretty random.  It featured this annoying guy who insisted on talking about himself in the third-person, like the dude “Jimmy” from that one Seinfeld episode they always play on TBS.  Al Capone didn’t like him, and neither did I.  But apparently, this Third-Person Talker guy used to work for Torrio.  Now he has his own business in Cincinatti, which is apparently, a hot spot for liquor.  Torrio and Capone decide to STOP getting their liquor from Nucky, and START getting from this guy, which I guess is just another nail in Nucky’s already VERY HOLEY coffin.

Never . .  . gets . .  . old. 

More importantly, my man Capone is responsible for breaking the bad news to Nucky.  So, we will  DEFINITELY get to see more of him next week . . .

Can I get a HELL YEAH? 

Wasted Tablecloths and Misguided Wedding Gifts

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I’d say Jimmy’s line about the Sheet-Heads was my favorite of the evening.  How about you?

So, remember when I said that the Commodore told Jimmy he should start schmoozing more?   Well, apparently, that meant attending that Almost-Nucky-Murdering Bastard’s funeral.  Nucky, who is schmoozing king, was, of course, also in attendance.  That’s one of the things I love about all these mob shows and movies, they always view funerals as marketing opportunities . . .

JIMMY:  “Hey Nucky, doens’t Chalky have that exact same outfit in red?”

NUCKY: “Yeah, it also comes in purple, green and hot pink.  Would you like one, I have a coupon in my pocket?”

After Jimmy and Nucky pay there respective respects, they engage in an uncomfortable, but meaningful conversation about the fact that Jimmy has pretty much cut Nucky out of his life, apart from the most rudimentary of business transactions.  Nucky is clearly hurt by Jimmy’s recent chilliness, particularly his decision not to consult Nucky about, or even invite him to attend, his recent nuptials.  However, he’s also a bit paranoid (and rightfully so) that Jimmy might be plotting against him with the Commodore.  “He’s a very duplicitous man,” Nucky warns Jimmy, before heading back to the funeral.  “[Now] you’ve been told.”

Later that evening, Jimmy arrives home to find a “wedding present” from Nucky.  But instead of buying him plates, or His and Hers robes, Nucky buys him a rather ugly looking statue, featuring a father and son type hunting.   The significance of the statue is not lost on Jimmy, who clearly has fond memories of his childhood outings with his former surrogate dad, who he is now trying to majorly screw over.

And yet, Jimmy’s facial expression upon receiving the gift is fairly inscrutable.  Does he feel guilty about what he is about to do?   Or is he annoyed at Nucky for trying to manipulate him this way?  Either way, Jimmy literally and metaphorically casts aside his surrogate daddy, by hiding the statue away on the top shelf a closet .  . .

Speaking of things best kept hidden . . .

Hot Times in Atlantic City with Mr. and Mrs. Creepy Van Slappy

Name:  Mrs. Van Alden; Turn-ons: Jesus, churches, warm milk, long walks on the beach, alcohol raids .  . .

After an entire season of being tucked safely away in the suburbs, Mrs. Van Alden has FINALLY come to visit her Creepy, Crazy, Back-Slapping Murderous Husband.  First he takes her to his office at the Bureau, where he finds two of his men, homoerotically wrestling eachother on the floor . . . and act he pretends to be annoyed by, but actually finds quite titillating.

Hey, try not to be so hard on yourself, Psycho.  Your secret is safe with us.

(By the way, have you ever noticed that Nelson Van Alden looks perpetually constipated?)

Hoping to win back the points he just lost from his boss, one of the wrestlers, knowing how religious the Van Aldens claim to be, hands Mrs. V a pamphlet entitled “If Jesus came to Atlantic City.”

The problem of course, is that, while purporting to be a religious guide to the city,  the pamphlet is actually a listing of every WHOREHOUSE and NUDEY BAR in town!  Careful, Wrestler Cop, remember what happened to the LAST GUY who tried to “help” Van Alden with his “religous desires?”

R.I.P. Agent Sebso! 

While reading about whores, Mrs. Van Alden remarks that perhaps it is a good thing she can’t have children, since a world where people have sex for fun, is CLEARLY not a place to raise a godfearing kid . . .

At a swank restaurant, Mrs. Van Alden finds herself once again APPALLED when a sweet and efete-sounding waiter fairly blatantly offers the couple ALCOHOL!

Creepy Van Alden initially doesn’t seem to surprised or upset by this inquiry.  He simply orders himself some warm milk, and is ready to call it a day.  But one look at his wife’s judgy eyes tells him that he must do something about this MORTAL SIN the waiter is committing.  And so he calls his cronies at the Bureau, and stages a loud and over-dramatic raid on the restaurant . . . one that includes punching the poor waiter in the face, as well as raiding the restaurants massive liquor stash, and filled coffers . . .

Now, THAT looks like my kind of party!

Van Alden then takes a totally-aroused Mrs. Van A back to a seedy hotel  (He can’t take her back to his boarding house .  . . we’ll learn why in a bit.), and proceeds to have the unsexiest sex EVER with her.

The next day, Van Alden drops his wife off at the bus station and returns home, with the cash he stole from the restaurant during the raid.   He is not alone.  SOMEONE IS SLEEPING IN HIS BED . . .

Apparently, Van Alden has been boarding that evil slut Lucy (who is now VERY pregnant with his creepy spawn), and paying for her living expenses / doctors bills with money acquired from illegal raids.  Jesus would most certainly NOT approve, Nelson!

“Doh!”

Uh oh . . . I hope you can get a refund on that extra movie ticket, Margie!

The episode ends with a doleful Margaret watching Charlie Chaplin’s “The Kid,” with her children, and staring at an empty seat next to her.  It appears her loyal and loving .  . . whatever it is these two are to eachother now . . . Nucky has stood her up.  In Nucky’s defense, he actually has a pretty good excuse.  You see, he’s recently been ARRESTED FOR ELECTION FRAUD!

And that was the Season 2 Premiere of Boardwalk Empire, in a nutshell?  So, tell me, what did you think of the episode?  Was it Jackpot . . . or a disappointing Bust?  Sound of in the comment section below . . .

Until next week . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Text Messages of the Damned – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Premiere “It’s Alive”

Welcome back, my Pretties!  Oh, how I’ve missed you.  Heck, I’ve missed THIS SHOW!  With its Text Messages from the Great Beyond . . . its Creepy Characters, Who Always Pop Up at Precisely the WRONG Moment . . . its Villain “A,” who seems to gain increasingly ridiculous superpowers, with every episode . . . its suprisingly steamy romance scenes . . . its RAMPANT MALE SHIRTLESSNESS.  Did I mention the shirtlessness?

Well, HELLO Fitzy!  Welcome to the NAKED CLUB!

Though it got off to an admittedly slow start, this week’s season premiere of Pretty Little Liars definitely succeeded in giving us the best this show has to offer, with, not one, but TWO “I love you” declarations, multiple couple-y exchanges, a whole lot of Grade “A” craziness, and the return of two VERY frightening monsters . . . one with Furry Caterpillars Where His Eyebrows Should Be . . .

 . . . the other, a BONAFIDE ZOMBIE!

Man, this show is getting SCARIER than TVD!

Let’s review, shall we?

(Oh, and before I begin, a very special thanks to THIS spectacular website, for providing the Most Comprehensive Collection of Pretty Little Liars Screencaps on the planet!  Unless, it’s a GIF, if you see a picture in this recap that you like, it’s probably from THERE.)

People Not to Be Trusted #1 – Police Boy Garrett

Reason:  Because we KNOW where THAT tongue has been!

The season premiere begins EXACTLY where the Season 1 finale left off.   Our fabulous foursome have just left the church, where Purple-Faced Creepy Pedo Ian, who was last seen hanging from the rafters of the Church, has seemingly vanished into thin air, making our protagonists (who actually called the police, for a change) look like, for lack of a better term, “Pretty Little Liars.”

Outside the church, the girls talk nervously to one another, trying to convince themselves that what they saw was real . . . and that Creepy Pedo Ian is REALLY no more.  But the doubts are already starting to creep into their brains.  Did they really see what they THOUGHT they saw?  Or has “A” been playing tricks on them again?

 Meanwhile, seemingly the ENTIRE town of Rosewood has come out for this fun-filled local event.  After all, it’s not every day you get to see the dead body of a neighbor of yours, hung from the church ceiling, like a Christmas Tree ornament!

YAY!  Hangings are FUN!

 Unfortunately, for the people of Rosewood, Dead Body Watch is simply not in the cards for them.  This corpse has gone on vacation (probably with the dude from that old movie, Weekend at Bernies!).

Suddenly, the PLL girls are the MOST HATED KIDS IN TOWN!  How DARE they get their neighbors all excited about the opportunity to see their FIRST Dead Body (well . . . second, if you count Alison’s), and then NOT deliver!  FOR SHAME!  Fortunately, Police Boy Garrett swoops in to rescue them, before the tomatos and smelly shoes start being thrown. 

“Come with me,” says Police Boy gallantly.

Like Aria, I began to question Police Boy’s motives, the minute he refused to allow the teens to tell their parents they were heading down to the police station.  Granted, Police Boy’s superiors probably TOLD him to do this, in order to prevent the girls’ parents from immediately instructing them to ask for attorney representation, thereby stopping the investigation in its tracks.  But still . . . how many horror movies have YOU seen, where the innocent teens enter a cop car they think is safe, only to find out that the “Mild-Mannered Police Boy” in the front seat is really an INSANE PSYCHO KILLER?

My suspicions GREW, along with those of the rest of the girls, when Police Boy DID NOT, as promised, take the girls to the police station, but rather DROVE THEM TO A DESERTED STREET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AND FORCED THEM OUT OF THE COP CAR!

Well girls . . . it was nice knowing ya!

Fortunately, for the PLLs, Police Boy actually seems LESS interested in ripping out their throats, and eating their faces for late night snack, and more concerned with COVERING HIS OWN ASS.  Remember, Police Boy Garrett has A LOT to hide from his superiors.  For starters, he’s in a relationship with the decidedly underage Creepy Blind Jenna (though the PLL girls don’t know this, yet).  He had also orchestrated the girls’ botched attempt to blackmail Creepy Pedo Ian into confessing to Alison’s murder, using the disturbing Snuff Porn-like video “A” sent to them (along with 10 Gs) as bait . . .

The girls promptly agree to keep their mouths shut about the video.  After all, none of the cops seem to believe anything they say, anyway. 

Oh, and I bet you will never guess who was conveniently lurking in the shadows, watching hearing this ENTIRE exchange take place, almost as though she had ORCHESTRATED THE WHOLE THING HERSELF?

So, much for finding a DESERTED PLACE WHERE NO ONE CAN OVERHEAR YOU TALKING ABOUT OBSTRUCTING JUSTICE, Police Boy!  If Blind Jenna could hear you, chances are other people could have too!

People Not to Trust #2 – PLL PARENTS!

Allow me to introduce you to the Swell Parents of PLL, from left to right:  Mama “I Hit on My Students’ Teachers” Montgomery, Papa “Sleeps With Students” Montgomery, Papa “Win at All Costs” Hastings, Mama “Favors Her Older Daughter” Hastings, Mama “Slutty Thief” Marin (where’s Hannah’s absentee dad?), and Mama “Homophobe” Fields.

After suffering through hours of police investigation, the PLL girls head to Spencer’s house for a slumber party, except not much slumbering is occuring.  And when they head downstairs to get some coffee and refreshments, ALL their parents are there.  And they have some BAD NEWS.

Remember how last season, the cops thought Spencer was a TOTAL wackadoo liar, who might have actually been responsible for Alison’s death?  Well, now, apparently, in the wake of the Ian Thing, the blame has spread to all FOUR of the girls.  Now, the cops suddenly think the PLLs are OBSESSED with Creepy Pedo Ian, and are blaming Alison’s death on him, to cover up for their own wrongdoing. 

However, instead of working on getting the girls FOUR SEPARATE attorneys, like normal parents would do in this situation, the PLL Sucky Parent Club decide that the key to solving their kids’ problems is to have them ALL SEE THE SAME SHRINK TOGETHER!  Their rationale for this?  Apparently, the PLL Sucky Parent Club believes that the mere act of seeking professional help will make the kids look more LIKEABLE in the eyes of the cops and the press.

Never mind that these kids are actually WANTED FOR MURDER.  Don’t worry about the fact that they have all been TRAUMATIZED BY THEIR FRIEND’S DEATH, and may actually NEED psychological counseling on an INDIVIDUAL basis to cope with this.  All that’s important to THESE parents is that their kids LOOK sympathetic to the cops.  Parenting FAIL!

By the way, since when did the mere act of going to a shrink make a person more likeable?  Don’t get me wrong.  There’s absolutely NO SHAME in seeking professional help for personal issues.  I just don’t see the relationship between getting help, and looking “less guilty” during a police investigation.  Just sayin’.

Speaking of “awesome” parenting, did I mention that Abs Toby came to visit Spencer that morning, and her loving dad SLAMMED THE DOOR IN THE POOR GUY’S FACE?

That’s right, Pops!  This is EXACTLY what you should do when you are worried that your daughter might be having a nervous breakdown, SYSTEMATICALLY ISOLATE HER from all her friends / sole support system.  Great idea!

With parents like THESE, is it any wonder I am always making this face?

People Not to Trust #3 – Blind Jenna (but we already knew that)

In the subsequent scene, we see Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett cuddled together in Police Boy’s cop car for a little Makeout / Stakeout Session outside “Dead” Ali’s house, where they are inappropriately leering at Ali’s older brother, hot shirtless Jason, as he conveniently undresses in front of an open window.  Remember JASON, ladies?  Because, I sure do . . .

YUMMY!

For reasons, I simply cannot understand, Police Boy and Blind Jenna are not NEARLY as excited about Jason’s return to Rosewood as I am.  In fact, Jason makes them nervous . . . very nervous.   This, apparently, has something to do with a “Jason Thing” they don’t want anybody to find out about.  Wait a minute . . . a JASON THING?  So, let me get this straight.  The PLL girls had a Blind Jenna Thing.  And Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have a JASON THING!  That’s a whole lotta “things”!

People Not to Trust #4 – Bushy Eyebrows Noel

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At school, Aria is excited to learn that her mom is moving back home to try and patch things up with her dad.  And blah, blah, blah.  I think I fell asleep during that scene. 

Even THEY look bored.

But things get interesting again, when we get to English class, and Aria is forced to confront Fitzy for the first time since the “Ex Girlfriend Jackie Incident.” 

AWK-WARD!

Now, I know Fitzy is supposed to be this “cool” teacher and all.  And he probably didn’t want to stir up any more speculation regarding his relationship with Aria than probably already existed, particularly considering he was LEAVING HIS JOB SO HE COULD DATE HER.  

But I still think Aria’s main man should have said SOMETHING about the extremely cruel Hangman Chalk Drawing on the board, with the word “liars” more or less spelled out beneath it, in obvious reference to the PLL girls’ statements regarding Creepy Pedo Ian.  I mean, that was just an inappropriate thing for a student to do.  (Though, even I’ve got to admit, it was pretty damn funny!)

What can I say?  I couldn’t resist!

English class goes from bad to worse for our female heroines, when Bushy Eyebrows Noel returns from his suspension, seemingly primed for revenge against Aria and Fitzy.  The twin caterpillars on his forehead nearly do a little Dance of Joy, when he turns toward Aria, and leeringly asks her, “Miss me?”  I literally got chills . . .

People Not to Trust #5 – Mona Your Fellow Classmates

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In the hallways, the PLL girls find themselves the subject of some pretty harsh ridicule, as a result of the publicity they garnered from the Ian Thing.  And when Hanna’s so-called pal Mona overhears the gossiping, I half expected her to join right along.  (Remember when Mona told the whole school that Hannah had liposuction?  Good times!)  But Mona surprises me, by sticking up for her friend publicly in front of her detractors.  “I don’t know what’s more pathetic,” begins Mona.  “People who gossip, or people who LISTEN to gossip.”  (And MONA would know!)

After the girls leave, Mona then tries to cheer up her downtrodden pal, by remarking on one of the “gossipers’ Flat Asses, and how bad they look in skinny jeans.  And I must admit, the exchange made me like Mona just a little bit more.  So, we all know she’s going to have to screw it up soon, right?

People Not To Trust #6 – FITZY(?)

Meanwhile, in the same hallway, Spencer and Aria are marveling over how popular Bushy Eyebrows Noel has suddenly become.   (Perhaps, the caterpillars on his forehead possess some weird mind control powers over the masses?)

Fitzy interrupts the exchange, calling Aria back into his classroom to have wild and crazy sex on top of his desk “talk about her English paper.”  Aria seems skeptical of the request, but ultimately complies.

Like Mona before him, Fitzy wins some points with me, by not immediately jumping into his “you have to forgive me” for lying about my ex-girlfriend routine.  Fitzy’s no dumby.  He’s heard the gossip about the Ian Thing, and can see how Aria and her friends are being treated at school.  He offers Aria comfort and support, and wants her to know she doesn’t have to go through this alone. 

But Aria is still really hurt about the Jackie Thing, and feels as though it has irrevocably changed things between her and Fitzy.  Fitzy insists to Aria that NOTHING has changed, and that he still loves her.  (Easy for HIM to say.  HE wasn’t the one who had the run-in with the dreaded Ex.)  When Aria doesn’t respond to his statement in kind, Fitzy wonders out loud whether they are over.  Aria says that she doesn’t know. Then she dashes from the room. 

No sex in the English class room for Fitzy!  Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

People Not to Trust #7 – Abs Toby’s Family (and Spencer’s)

Hanna and Aria aren’t the only ones having lousy days.  Spencer is having one too.  First, she goes to sneak a visit to Toby’s and is told by Blind Jenna that Toby’s parents have forbade him to see her.  Of course, it is uncertain whether this is the TRUTH, or if Blind Jenna is just saying this so her little rape victim can’t get laid away from home.  “Whatever little ‘thing’ you had with him is over,” seethes Blind Jenna, before slamming the door in Spencer’s face.

At the Hastings’ house, Police Boy Garrett is questioning an annoyingly inconsolate Melissa about Creepy Pedo Ian’s disappearance.  Spencer arrives home, and Melissa starts screaming at her, telling her that as soon as Creepy Pedo Ian returns FROM HELL! the two of them are leaving town.  Because Melissa DOES NOT want her Satan Spawn baby consorting with the likes of Spencer.  NO SIR! 

Rather than trying to convince their older daughter that their younger one isn’t EVIL, Spencer’s parents just stare dumbly at the wall in front of them.  This prompts Spencer to (correctly) note that, even though the Hastings have TWO daughters, they are only protecting one.  YEAH, SPENCER!  You tell that Crazy Nanny Carrie from One Tree Hill and her two middle-aged minions what’s what!

People Not to Trust #8 – Emily’s Mom (and the Creepy Realtor)

Emily is sitting in her bedroom watching internet porn . . . er .  . . I mean the creepy tape showing Blind Jenna raping Toby.  A realtor comes by.  He’s helping Emily’s mom to sell and/or rent out the house, so that the Fields’ family can go and be with their dad on the army base in Texas.  The realtor seems creepily interested in Emily’s personal memorabilia, like her childhood pictures, and her Wall Height Chart.  And yet, he tells her that she will have to remove all personal affects from her home in order to help it sell better.  Emily scowls . . . eager to return to her Rape DVD.

People We Can TOTALLY Trust #1 – ADORABLE LUCAS!

I smell bromance!

My SECOND favorite scene in this week’s season premiere just so happened to be one of the shortest.  In it, Adorable Lucas drives a Lovestruck Caleb back into town, and drops him off at a nearby hotel.  As Caleb is exiting the car, Lucas leaves him with these parting words, “Listen, I don’t know what you did to Hanna . . . but don’t do it again.”

We now return to our regularly scheduling programing of UNTRUSTWORTHY characters . . .

People Not to Trust # 9 – Shrink Anne Sullivan

I have to say, I don’t blame Hannah the least bit, for preferring Retail Therapy to THIS Grief Counseling B.S., and trying to skip out on the session.  For one thing, why on Earth would the parents agree to let their kids attend grief counseling TOGETHER.  How can a teenager POSSIBLY feel comfortable letting out their deepest darkest feelings, while the three people who’s opinions of them matter most are listening?

Beyond that, I didn’t trust THIS shrink, AT ALL, from the minute she appeared on screen!  And, as the episode progressed further, I grew to trust her less and less.  (Way to give a warm fuzzy message to the kiddies about seeking professional help for mental issues, ABC FAMILY!)

I don’t think it is any accident at all that this counselor’s name is “Anne Sullivan,” as in the noted teacher of blind and deaf heroine and phenomenon, Hellen Keller.  Just out of curiosity, who ELSE do we know that’s BLIND on this show?

Just sayin’!

Anywhoo . . . not much happens during this first therapy session.  The girls just awkwardly rehash how they grew apart, following Alison’s initial disappearance, and reunited, after her body was found.  Ms. Sullivan notes that, under psychiatrist / patient privilege everything the girls say in the counselor’s room is private.  The girls seem tempted to divulge their deepest darkest secrets.  But, ultimately, they don’t. 

And . . . judging by what happens later in the episode, that’s probably a GOOD THING!

Outside the therapist’s office, the girls find a local paper, featuring the four of them on the front page.  To their chagrin, the article suggests that Ian skipped town on Melissa, and the foursome knew about it / attempted to cover it up.  Apparently, Ian’s car was found in the woods, abandoned, with $10,000 stowed away in the backseat . . . i.e the blackmail money the girls attempted to offer Ian during the finale.

SURPRISE!  It’s time for another text from “A.”  This one says, “I spy a liar.”  OK, I’m sorry, A, but that was just lame, particularly for a FIRST post hiatus text message.

The only thing that makes SPENCER feel better about this moment is that Toby seems to be there waiting for her. 

Except, as it turns out, he’s NOT waiting for Spencer . . . he’s waiting to pick up Blind Jenna from some appointment he had to attend. 

(You know, this ENTIRE episode seemed to point to Jenna and Police Boy Garrett working together as “A.”  Of course, knowing this show, this probably means that neither of them are “A.”  Still, this devilish duo DOES seem to always be around when “A” is doing her nastiest deeds.)

People Not to Trust #10 Caleb(?) and Mona (I knew she’d somehow wind up back on this list.)

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 Hannah comes home from an afternoon of shopping and head shrinking to find Caleb waiting for her in her kitchen.  After making sure her daughter is OK, Mama Marin rises to leave the two lovebirds alone.  Poor Hanna is CLEARLY affected by her Virginity Removers unexpected return to Rosewood.  But she stays strong, and tries to remain stoic.  “You not allowed to . . . look at me like that,” scolds Hannah, as the Caleb Puppy Dog Eyes begin to work their magic on her recently iced over heart . . .

FINALLY, Caleb gets to tell Hanna about the Goodbye Letter he gave to Mona to deliver to her.  FINALLY, he gets to tell her how he feels, and how truly sorry he is for SPYING ON HER for Batsh*t Crazy Blind Jenna!  (It SURE took him long enough!)  “Most of my life, I have felt alone . . . even when I was with people . . . until I met you . . .  If you let me, I will make it up to you .  . . I love you,” Caleb explains, his eyes welling up with big hearty man-tears, as he speaks.

Oh, hormones!  How you wreck me!

Though moved by Caleb’s words, Hanna stays strong, unable to get past the VERY personal way in which Caleb betrayed her.  For those of you who have forgotten . . .

*whistles*

Caleb is crushed by Hanna’s refusal to forgive him, and her seemingly cold response to his love declaration.  But he understands why Hanna feels the way she does, and accepts it . . . for now.  “Goodbye, Hannah,” he tells her sadly before exiting the house, for what he probably believes will be the last time. 

It is not until after Caleb leaves that Hanna finally allows those long suffering tears to escape her eyes.

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I’ve gotta be honest.  The whole thing is pretty darn depressing.  And yet, things are about to get worse for poor Hanna!

Our heroine heads immediately to the local coffee shop to confront Mona for failing to give Hanna Caleb’s letter.  I must admit, when Mona first threw away Caleb’s Goodbye Love Letter to Hanna, I was the first one to accuse her of doing it out of petty jealousy.  And yet, upon being confronted, Mona’s assertion that she did it to protect Hannah’s heart from being broken again seemed surprisingly genuine.  (I can’t BELIEVE I’m actually saying something nice about Mona today.  What’s wrong with me?)

That being said, those MASSIVE Eiffel Tower earrings and that CLOWN lipstick HAVE TO GO!

Hanna wasn’t about to forgive Caleb, and she’s CERTAINLY not going to forgive her best friend for HER betrayal.  For a split second, I actually found myself feeling bad for Mona, who, let’s face it, really doesn’t have any other friends to fall back on, after this.  But then THIS happened, and ALL that good will, I had just built up for Mona went flying RIGHT OUT THE WINDOW!

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HOLY MOTHER OF UGLY CATERPILLAR EYEBROWS!  Mona is swapping spit with Bushy Eyebrows Noel!  Hell has obviously frozen over . . .

People Not to Trust #11 – Crazy Nanny Carrie Spencer’s Sister, Melissa

Remember back when the PLL girls orchestrated a date night for Emily and Maya, when their parents wouldn’t let them see one another? 

Well, as it turns out, Emily is ready to return the favor, by orchestrating a little secret date time at HER house for Spencer and Abs Toby.  Spencer prepares for her Big Night Out by stepping into something a bit sluttier more comfortable . . .

So, of course, Cockblock Melissa has to come in and RUIN EVERYTHING!

GRRRR!

Apparently, Melissa suffers from some kind of Multiple Personality Disorder.  Just a few hours ago, she was AFRAID TO LET SPENCER NEAR HER BABY, afraid that the mere proximity would cause her precious child to contact Pretty Little Cooties.  But now, suddenly, Melissa is the PERFECT Big Sis, promising not to rat Spencer out for going on her secret date, and telling Spencer that she “believes her” about Ian.  “I know he would NEVER leave me to bang more underage chicks, like Ali, and you, and Blind Jenna,” coos Melissa nauseatingly.

She then lets Spencer in on a little secret, the name of her future child.  It’s “Taylor.”  Damn it!  That was going to be the name of MY future child, if I ever decided to have kids.  Well, SCRAP THAT!  (By the way, remember this little tidbit of info, because it’s going to become important later.)

Suddenly, Melissa wants to know EVERYTHING about Spencer’s adventures with “A.”  (How convenient!)  Not able to say no to her SHREW of a sister, who so rarely acts like a human being, that Spencer really must take advantage of the rare moments when this occurs, the younger Hastings sister reluctantly texts Emily to cancel her date with the Tobster.

Back at Emily’s house, Toby does carpentry work for Emily (OK, when did the character formerly known as Creepy Toby suddenly become the PERFECT SPECIMEN of man). 

And though he is clearly disappointed about being ditched by his girlfriend, the Tobster still manages to share a sweet moment with Emily, promising her that all is forgiven between them, and that the two will still be friends, even after she leaves for Texas.  (Repeat after me:  AWWW!)

People Not to Trust #12 – YOURSELF (around a Shirtless Fitzy)

SQUEE!  It does SQUATS TOO!

So, remember when I told you that the Adorable Lucas scene was my SECOND favorite one in the hour.  Well, THIS one was my favorite.  This, of course, had nothing at all to do with the dialogue between Aria and Ezra, and EVERYTHING to do with THIS . . .

OK ladies!  For those of you out there who have EVER tried to make the argument that Fitzy and Aria have NOT done the deed yet, this episode should absolutely, positively prove you WRONG!  Because here’s the thing, had Aria not ALREADY made herself EXTREMELY familiar with Fitzy’s “goods” there is NO WAY IN HELL that she would have been able to carry on a semi-intelligent conversation with him for three minutes, while he was looking LIKE THAT!  It’s scientifically impossible!

Holy heck!  Who knew THAT was underneath all those geeky sweatervests and button down shirts Fitzy always wears.  If I was a guy and looked like him, I’d never wear clothing AT ALL!

But I guess I should at least somewhat mention the conversation that took place in this scene.  Fitzy thanks Aria for coming to see her.  He encourages her to talk about all the crap that’s going on in her life.  He promises her that she is not alone, because she has him, basically saying all the right things to get back into his girlfriend’s panties good graces.

Then Fitzy allows Aria to play Twenty Questions with him.  She starts peppering him with questions about his relationship with Jackie.  Was he on the rebound, when he met her?  He says he wasn’t.  And yet, he WAS technically still in love with Jackie, on that fateful day when Aria and Fitzy banged in the bathroom . . .

Hmmm . . . interesting.

Fitzy realizes he probably screwed up by saying that, so he uses his poetry skills to try and dig himself out of the massive hole into which he just dug himself.  “There is not one moment when we were together when I was ever thinking about ANYBODY other than you,” he offers.  “You know what I love about Saturdays?”  He adds.  “It’s looking up and realizing we have the WHOLE DAY to be together.”

Well played, Fitzy.  But, unfortunately it wasn’t enough.  When everyone’s favorite Naked English teacher asks Aria to spend the day with him, she declines.  She doesn’t even agree to CALL him the next day.  OUCH!   Maybe the sex isn’t that good?

 As Aria is leaving Fitzy’s place, she gets  a text from “A.” 

It’s a photograph of Fitzy’s home office.  Apparently, “A” has removed the spare key from under his mat, and took the liberty of letting him or herself inside.  I vaguely recall Police Boy Garrett snatching that key last season.  Intriguing . . .

People Not to Trust #13  – THE WORLD!

Together once again, the PLL’s make a joint decision to spill their guts to Shrinky Dink Anne Sullivan.  They even plan to show her the Rape DVD of Blind Jenna (wonder how Abs Toby would feel about that), and the Snuff Porn Ali and Ian film, both of which are currently stored on Emily’s computer.  (Note: Important.)  The foursome schedule an appointment with Shrinky.  However, just when they are about to show her the video, Hannah notices an interesting diploma on the wall.  It’s Fitzy’s.

I have to admit, when I first noticed the diploma, I didn’t make the right connection.  My first thought was that Anne Sullivan was Fitzy’s MOM!  (Though now I see, the age difference is a bit too small for that.)  After a few moments, however, I realized what the PLL’s did.  That “A” had clearly stolen Fitzy’s diploma, and put it in Anne Sullivan’s office, as a warning to them against spilling the beans to her about what they knew.

The question is, who else, aside from the PLL’s would realistically make an appointment with a grief counselor, in order to have access to her office.  Once again, all signs point to Blind Jenna . . .

“It always comes back to me, doesn’t it?”

Suitably freaked out, the girls rush out of Shrinky Dink’s office, making sure to take Fitzy’s diploma with them.  This pisses off La Shrinka ROYALLY, and she responds by telling all the PLL’s parents that they shouldn’t hang out together anymore.  WOW, that’s pretty much the WORST ADVICE a grief counselor could give a group of girls who are EXPERIENCING LOSS, DON’T TRUST ANYONE, and ASIDE FROM ONE ANOTHER FEEL COMPLETELY ALONE.  And yet, all the PLL parents think this is a FABULOUS idea.

No wonder teens don’t listen to their parents!  The adults on EVERY SINGLE SOLITARY teen-oriented show I watch SUCK SERIOUS ASS!

I am REALLY hating this Shrink Lady.  So, much so, that when she was getting stalked as she left her office, I was kind of hoping “A” would kill her.  Except “A” would never do that, because Shrink Lady is CLEARLY in cahoots with “A.”  Because, think about it WHO ELSE would want to separate the PLL girls, so that she or he can work on them separately and make their lives miserable.  It wouldn’t be the first time “A” tried to break up the PLL crew!

Be afraid, PLLs!  Be very afraid!

Speaking of afraid, Spencer is home alone, and hears a noise in her kitchen.  For a few dreamy seconds there, I was kind of hoping it was the same person who made the NOISE in her kitchen LAST TIME this happened!

Come back, Dr. Wren!  I MISS YOU!

But Spencer’s had kind of a bad day.  So, she doesn’t think her intruder is Drunk Wren, at all.  Rather, she’s convinced it is SOMEONE TRYING TO MURDER HER.  And so she takes a page out of the Scream handbook, and does THIS . . .

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Except the Psycho Killer actually ends up being ABS TOBY!

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(Hey, Spencer got to make use out of that slutty top, after all!)

“I had to see you,” Toby whispers in Spencer’s ear sweetly, as the two rush into one another’s arms for a tearful embrace. 

I really do heart these two.  I especially loved when Toby left the house after sex with Spencer their date, and protectively told Spencer to “lock the door.”  Spencer’s response, “yes sir,” was so flirtatiously cute, and so “un-Spencer,” it totally gave you an idea of how smitten these two individuals are over one another.

Alas, things in the Hasting’s household can never stay sweet for long!  Spencer soon finds a new text message on her sister’s cell phone (Why did that asshat leave it home, after she JUST got it back?).  It’s from a blocked number.  The text says something about the person not being able to tell Melisssa his or her whereabouts, because it is “not safe yet.”

A freaked out Spencer, immediately texts all the PLL’s with an SOS.  The foursome sneak out of their houses and meet up in a random greenhouse.  (Who the heck has a random greenhouse, in Rosewood?  Just sayin’.)  The girls immediately wonder whether IAN is alive and well, and texting Melissa.  To test this theory, they ask him a question they ASSUME only Ian would know, the name of his future child.  The texter responds correctly, “Taylor.”

It’s ALLLLLIIIIIIIIVE!

Except, to be honest, I’m not entirely sure that text WAS from Ian.  After all, considering how much “A” knows about all the girls that nobody else does, who’s to say she couldn’t have picked up that specific piece of information about the name of Melissa’s future baby.  Regardless, the PLL girls are understandably pissing in their pants now.

But the real kicker comes at the end of the episode when GLOVED HAND reappears.  This time he or she has made an appointment with the Fields’ realtor to see their house.  While there, the person ERASES EMILY’S ENTIRE HARDDRIVE, including all the incriminating DVD’s thereon. 

OK, I’m sorry, but Emily must be a friggin moron.  Why the HELL would you leave your VERY VALUABLE laptop out in the open when LOTS OF RANDOM people would be stopping by to SEE YOUR HOUSE?  Didn’t what happened to Spencer’s laptop at the dance last season teach you anything? 

More interesting than Emily’s stupidity though, is the fact that Gloved Hand HAS to be an adult.  After all, a Realtor wouldn’t in good faith show a home for sale to a TEEN, like Jenna, Mona or Noel, would they?  This little clue would serve to point a finger to some of the OLDER suspects on the show, like, for example, Police Boy Garrett, Ali’s brother, Jason, Anne Sullivan, or even Fitzy.  Then again, “A” could still be a teen who merely HIRED someone to do this for him or her.

“OK . . . now, I’m totally confused!”

And, there you have it:  our first Season 2 PLL episode, in a VERY LARGE nutshell.  Did it live up to your expectations?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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