Tag Archives: 2.11

Post-Traumatic Kanaima Syndrome – A Recap of Teen Wolf’s “Battlefield”

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OMG, Werebangers!  We are officially one episode away from the end of the season!  It seems like only yesterday that we watched Lydia take the Dirtiest Shower Ever, and we all made fun of Scott and his trademark Crab-Leg / Run-Waddle . . .

This week on Teen Wolf, Derek received some “Uncle-y” (Is that an actual word?) Advice, Allison proved that the Psycho Argent Gene might not have skipped a generation, after all, Stiles proved that he might actually be Batman (though, personally, the Spiderman analogy always made more sense to me), Isaac fondled an adorable puppy, and Scott spent the hour looking even more confused than usual . . .

So, strap on your helmet and brush up on your knowledge of the film Independence Day, because it’s time for another Teen Wolf-cap . . .

[As always, special thanks go out to my pal, Andre for his weekly dedication to Screencap Awesomeness!  Andre, just so you know, I would totally beat people up on the lacrosse field, for you, if you asked nicely. ;)]

Hyper-Vigilence

I hear lacrosse sticks are a good source of fiber.

One frequent criticism lodged at teen shows, in general, and teen supernatural shows, specifically, is that they tend to be purposefully blind to the long-term impact that repeated exposure to traumatic events would have on the average teen psyche.

Teen Wolf has managed to avoid this pitfall, with episodes like “Battlefield.”  These episodes directly address how the events of the series are impacting the main characters’ lives, in a way that actually adds to, rather than detracts from, the action of the story.

I guess we have Cryptic Counselor Lady to thank for that . . .

The episode begins on an unusually somber note, with everyone’s favorite ambassador of Team Human, nervously gnawing on his lacrosse stick (Mmmm!  Tasty!), as he describes to Cryptic Counselor Lady, in chilling detail, what the experience of drowning feels like . . . the way the water exerts pressure on the body .  . . the way the body struggles to keep itself from filling with water .  . . and the peaceful feeling that takes over right before death . . .

This doesn’t look so peaceful to me . . .

Woah,  Stiles!  Have you been chatting with Dead Creepy Camera Guy, lately?  How do you know all this stuff about drowning?  Did you look it up on Wikipedia?  Morbid much?  Whatever happened to teens who spent their free internet search time scouring for porn, like everyone else? 🙂

“So, basically WebMD says that little problem you’ve been having down there is totally normal for werewolves, who come back from the dead through weird hand-holding rituals.”

And yet, in a way, Stiles has experienced drowning, firsthand . . . though it’s drowning in the metaphorical sense, more than the literal one.  Like a drowning man, Stiles is feeling pressure exerted on him from all angles.  He feels responsible for his father’s sadness (But hey, at least thanks to all those dead cops, the dude got his job back!), Allison’s rage, Jackson’s and Lydia’s respective psychoses, and Scott’s confusion and loneliness.   He wants to help the people he cares about, but feels that his humanity makes him incapable of doing so.  He’s also pretty f*&kin’ freaked out that he might just end up getting eaten alive by a Big F*&kin’ Lizard Man .  . .

Cryptic Counselor Lady, as it turns out, has a medical  diagnosis for “pretty f*&kin freaked out.”  It’s called Hyper Vigilant.  (Take that, Freshman Psychology Class!)  She also has some advice for Stiles, courtesy of Winston Churchill.  “If you are going through Hell, keep going.”

Insightful?  Yes, definitely.  Inspirational?  Oh, I don’t know.  Personally, when I’m going through Hell, I prefer to stop and take a nap . . .

Either way, Dylan O’Brien and his puppy dog eyes absolutely KILLED this scene, adding an unusual amount of gravitas to a show about funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-looking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .  The actor is just awe-inspiringly talented.  And I for one, can’t wait for the time, when he’s off winning Oscars, and I get to brag to everyone I know, that I knew him back when he was on that little MTV show with the funny-faced werewolves, gorilla-loooking Alphas, and Lizard People, who are afraid of their own reflections . . .

Who’s with me on this one?

Cue the obligatory Scott Shower Scene in 3, 2 . . .

“Hey Ladies!  I’m the wolf your man could smell like . . .”

Lest we get too serious, too quickly, the episode then decides to dial up it’s camp factor to about 20 with a revisit to Naked Shower Scott.  You remember Naked Shower Scott,  right?  We met him back in the pilot, and he’s been having regular cameos on the show ever since.  After all, when you spend a good portion of your time running around the woods chasing squirrels, and running from lizard people,  hygiene is VERY important . . .

Naked Shower Scott not campy enough for you?  How about this doozy of an image?

“Just hangin’ out . . .”

Sadly, this is Mama McCall’s first date since Peter Hale . . .

That’s right, Werebangers! It appears the McCalls have unwittingly thrown themselves a private party, at which scaly green men, and wrinkly old men are the guests of honor.  Poor Mama McCall!  Not too long ago, she found out her son occasionally sports sideburns, a bad hairdo, and a pointy face that literally only a mother could love.  Now, suddenly, she’s hanging out on her werewolf son’s ceiling, spooning with a murderous kanaima.

I guess, when it rains, it pours, right?

Grandpa Crazy Pants reminds Scott that this is what happens, when the latter doesn’t return his text messages . . . his mom starts hooking up with lizard people.  Pops then goes on to explain to those confused by the events of last week’s episode, that his desire to avenge his daughter Wackjob Kate’s death,  is what made him capable of forging the Kanaima Master connection.

“‘S-up, Wolfie?”

I guess he’s right.   But, then again, what character on this show DOESN’T have at least one death to avenge?  Truth be told, Kanaima Jackson has so many options for a Master in Beacon Hills, he could star in his own reality dating show entitled: Can I be your b*tch?

Anyway, after Gerard and his b*tch exit stage left, a tearful Mama McCall begs Scott to do whatever Grandpa Crazy Pants wants him to do, i.e. provide Derek Hale’s head on a platter . . .

Clearly, Mama McCall has never seen the episode of Teen Wolf where Derek spent ten minutes doing push-ups and pull-ups to pop music . . .

Had she seen this, I’m quite certain she would have chosen differently.   After all, a six-pack and great pects are a terrible thing to waste . . .

Baby, I’m howling for you . . .

Here’s a new couple idea for you: Boyd and Erica . .  . the Absentee Werewolf and Tweedle Dumb Boobs.

We found love in a hairy place . . .

I’ll admit, I was skeptical at first.  But eventually, they won me over . . . holding hands in the middle of the woods, like high school sweethearts, finishing each other’s sentences, calculating the percent chance of certain doom, when they find themselves surrounded by a seemingly large pack of wolves that isn’t there own.  It’s a romantic comedy dream come true . . . minus the comedy, of course . . .

Love hurts . . .

And if these two crazy kid both wind-up surviving the season, which, under the circumstances, is highly unlikely, I think they just might make it as a couple . . .

After all, they did find love in a hopeless place.  Stay strong, were-cubs!  Help is on the way . . . eventually.

Who in their right mind would reject Derek Hale?

Scratch that, were-cubs.  Help was on the way, until you bit the hand that fed you.  So much for pack loyalty.  One creepy lizard thing controlled by a werewolf-hating sociopath, and a pack of potentially angry wolves, is all it takes to send Erica and Boyd literally heading for the hills.

“Honestly, we’re just not that into you.

“But I was on SEVENTH HEAVEN.  Doesn’t that mean anything to you ingrates?”

And as bad as I felt for Derek about being double-dumped, I was actually a bit more concerned about Erica’s and Boyd’s parents.  I mean, considering they were being referred to as “the runaways” throughout the entire hour,  they HAD them, didn’t they?  Perhaps, they assumed their sticking around would put their families in danger of becoming kanaima meat as well . . .

Upon hearing the bad news that, “it’s not you, it’s the kanaima,” a particularly sour grapes Derek warns his little cub-lings that once they start running scared, they will ALWAYS be running scared.  I suspect Derek knows a thing or two about that from personal experience.

That, and he looks really hot when he runs . . .

No matter, because,  as it turns out, Erica and Boyd don’t actually get to do much running at all .  . .

Because Grandpa Argent clearly laces his fake suicide notes with crack and Cult Kool-Aid . . .

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Katniss Everdeen does not approve . . .

Honestly,  I’m a bit confused about what exactly the “strategy” was that convinced an entire team of Argents, led by Allison and Papa Argent to drive down Erica and Boyd in a troop of ATVs.  Forgive me, if I’m wrong, but I thought it was established last week that “Derek got the Death Sentence priority,” and the were-cubs were only a target, if they got in the way. Well, I hate to break it to you Argents, but Erica and Boyd, are SOOOO not getting in your way!  In fact, they are saying, “Hey, Argents!  You go ahead and kill that hunky piece of man-meat known as our were-dad.  We sure as heck aren’t going to stop you!”

“Wake us, when our maker is dead . . .”

I mean, I guess their idea was to use Boyd and Erica to get to Derek, either through interrogation or ransom.  But still, the “strategy” seems to pretty blatantly fly in the face of that whole “Argent Code.”  Don’t you think?

Oh, and ATV’S?  Not exactly the most stealthy hunting vehicles.  You might as well tracked down Boyd and Erica using monster trucks . . .

ALLISON: “Be very, very quiet . . . I’m hunting werewolves.”

CHRIS: “WHAT?!  I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER THE ENGINE!”

Anywhoo, Allison pulls out her trusty bow and arrow, and shoots Erica in the side, immediately immobilizing her.  Then, when Boyd (lamely) tries to come to her aid (HELLO!  YOU ARE WEREWOLVES!  DEFEND YOURSELVES!  SHAKE WHAT YOUR DEREK GAVE YOU!), Allison’s got an arrow for him too, multiple arrows, in fact.

“Heartburn . . . need . . . TUMS.”

Did I mention that Allison continues to pelt poor Erica and Boyd with arrows, despite the fact that they have long been immobilized,  and neither is a threat anymore.  It gets to the point where Papa Argent has to literally shoot the bow and arrow out of Allison’s hand to get her to stop having so much fun!

Now, granted, werewolves heal.  So, unless the bullets on those bows were silver tipped, Allison was in no danger of killing Boyd or Erica, no matter how many of them she wasted on them.   Still though, it was an uncharacteristically cold move on Allison’s part.  And when your wacky, “I kidnap my own daughter sometimes,  just to teach her a lesson” father, thinks you’ve gone too far, it’s a pretty safe bet that you have . . .

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Even more uncharacteristic of Allison was the surprisingly sleazy and arrogant joy she got out of capturing her two classmates.  This accomplishment she haughtily took full credit for, in front of her father, just before gleefully calling “Grandpa” to report the good news.  That’s right, I said “Grandpa.”  Allison used to distance herself from the loony tunes old dude who spawned her father, by coldly referring to him as “Gerard.”  Now, suddenly, she’s acting like their Mean Girl besties.

Daddy definitely does NOT approve . . .

My thoughts on this plot development?  Too much, too fast . . .

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve loved seeing the heretofore almost frustratingly even=keeled Allison come a bit unhinged in these past few weeks over the death of her mother.  And, acting-wise, Crystal Reed has really been “bringing it” in this regard.  But what made Good Girl  Allison’s slow descent in to Darth Vader territory seem so authentic and believable was that it was all anchored by a heart-wrenching sadness, and a lazer-like focus on Derek, the man she presumes to be her mother’s killer.

This week, Allison just seemed a little too happy for my liking.  Her sudden glee over repeatedly shooting her classmates, when they were already down, for no reason whatsoever, was a bit hard for me to swallow.

Whatever Gerard put in that faux suicide letter must have been pretty darn powerful stuff to get Allison to change her ENTIRE personality for it, in the course of a week.  Hey, maybe he laced it with that same crazy (“kill all the humans”) Cult Blood the vampires have been inhaling on True Blood . . .

A Hale Family Zombie Reunion

Back at the Hale house,  Derek’s day just continues to get worse,  as he finds himself faced with the Uncle he both killed, and unwittingly helped to come back from the dead.  (How very Shakespearean!)

“You can tell I’m more dignified now, because I have a soul patch, and use hair gel . . .”

The two family members “catch up” with one another, by tossing household items at one another, and basically beating the sh*t at each other for a few hours.  You know, just like old times!

Then, Peter (who, I’ll say this again, has been looking SUPER fine, since his reincarnation) decides to go all Yoda on Derek’s ass.  “Save Jackson, you will.  Teach you to stop being such a lame Alpha,  I can,” Yoda Peter tells his nephew, more or less . . .

Peter claims that Jackson only became the kanaima in the first place, because he lacked a sense of identity.  (That whole “no face” hallucination in the “Party Guessed” episode would seem to prove as much . . .)  He further explains that calling Jackson by his “Christian” name, should be enough to bring him back to himself.  (I guess being a burned-up corpse  in the ground gives you a lot of time to catch up on your Bestiary reading . . .)

Oh, and here’s the kicker,  Peter claims that the Hale’s should use Lydia to save Jackson, since he looooooooves her so much.

Is it just a mere coincidence that the person Peter wants to incorporate into their grand Kanaima-Away plan for Jackson Wittemore, just so happens to be the same girl Uncle ex-Alpha has been mind-raping, and using as his zombie slave all season?  I think not  . . .

Because, here’s the thing, I don’t care how hot he looks lately, I’m totally not buying Peter’s whole “I just want to be part of a pack again,” act.   A few episodes back, the Vet explicitly told Derek to watch out for Peter’s attempts to mentally manipulate him.  Unfortunately, I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening here . . .

Good Old Animal Magnetism

As much as I pick on Scott, I’m actually really enjoying the Scott / Isaac bromance that’s been percolating throughout the season.  So, I hope that continues, and they don’t decide to .  . . you know . . . kill the guy, or something.

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One thing that was never really addressed with Isaac were his thoughts about the whole “Matt Thing,” especially since we learned that the two were childhood friends, and that Matt was playing at his house, when the whole “drowning thing” occurred.  So, presumably, Isaac knew about it.  I wonder if that aspect of the story will ever come up again . . .

Anywhoo, I found it interesting that while Boyd and Erica decided amongst themselves to abandon Derek, and escape Beacon Hills, Isaac came to world-beater Scott at the Vet’s office for advice.

You could say THAT again . . .

Of all of Derek’s wolf pack, Isaac actually had the least to lose by leaving, since he LITERALLY has no one keeping him in Beacon Hills.  And yet, I still feel like he’s grasping for some connection, or reason to stay in town.  Derek Hale wasn’t that connection.  Neither was Erica Reyes.  Scott might be.  Except, Scott’s already got a whole Scooby Gang to wolf-sit.  Is there room for one more?  Tune in next week to find out . . .

“We can have slumber parties, and paint eachothers’ nails . . . just promise you won’t invite the swim team over, K?”

Oh, and did I mention that Werewolf Isaac has the power to fondle puppies and take their pain away.  Does it get much cuter than that?

“He can ‘take my pain away’ anytime!”

Too bad I’m pretty sure this power is going to be used to take the pain away from a dying human next week.

But for now, we can just enjoy the adorable puppy love-ness of it all . . .

Because lacrosse games are exactly like Potentially Apocalyptic Alien Invasions . . .

It’s time for the Big Game. Jackson the Lizard Slave is in attendance, looking eeeeevvvill.  Pal Dann wants to know why Jackson hasn’t been returning his calls.  Maybe it’s because Hallmark hasn’t started selling: “Sorry, I became the kanaima and accidentally / on purpose paralyzed you, while going on my killing spree” cards just yet . . .

“Is this because I watched your sex tape?”

“That depends.  Did you enjoy it?”

Regardless, Danny’s reaching out and calling to Jackson seems to break him out of his kanaima-fueled trance (just like Lydia was able to do last week) long enough to tell his best friend to RUN, if he sees him coming toward him at the game.  Solid advice, Kanaima man!

Meanwhile, Coach Crackhead is inexplicably quoting the 1996 classic Alien Invasion Film, Independence Day (starring Will Smith and Bill Pullman as . . . wait for it . . . the President of the United States) — a movie that the entire locker room is way too young to have possibly seen in theaters — in order to rev the team up for their big game.

“That Bill Pullman is SO dreamy!”

(Well, I guess the kanaima is kind of alien-looking, when you really think about it.  So, perhaps, the film reference isn’t quite as out there as it initially seemed.)

“Who you calling an ALIEN?”

Speaking of out there,  what the frack is Scott’s mom doing in the gym locker room, ogling naked teenage boys?  I mean sure, we needed to see her go tell Scott to “be a hero” or something, and tell him that she no longer thinks he’s hideous, just because he sometimes gets sideburns and a pointy face.  But couldn’t this have waited until the team got to the field?

“You can’t fight it, Stiles.  I know if I wait here long enough,  eventually you are going to have to take off your shirt.”

Then again, along with the Coach himself, and Grandpa Argent, Mama McCall is probably the only one old enough to get the Independence Day reference.  (I mean, Stiles got it.  But that kid has “film geek” written all over him.)

Speaking of pep talks, Grandpa Crazy Pants Argent pops in to slyly tell the lacrosse team to MURDER the opposition.  Of course, we all know full well he doesn’t give two craps about the game, and is only there to command Jackson, and seriously freak out Scott.  But hey, it’s the thought that counts, right?  Well . . . nevermind.

Anyway, mission accomplished, old man.

In which Stiles plays well (both with himself and others) . . .

Beacon Hills . . . we have a problem.  You see, Scott McCall is our star werewolf lacrosse player.  He’s also our co-captain, and resident super-hero, tasked with protecting the WORLD from Kanaima Jackson the Killing Machine, who just so happens to be the team’s other co-captain.  So, what’s the problem, you say?

Well, basically the problem is that Scott CAN’T PLAY!

He can’t play because he’s a moron.  his grades don’t meet the minimum requirements to participate in high school sports . . .

This means that, not only is there a good chance the Beavers are going to LOSE this game, there’s also a good chance . . . wait for it . . . THEY ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!

This sounds like a job for Superman   Batman  Wolverine  Isaac Lahey?

“You were expecting someone taller?”

So, what’s his big plan?  Simple, he’s going to beat the crap out of everyone on his own team, so that the Coach has no choice but to play Scott, or risk forfeiting the game.

Wait . . . what?

Correct me if I’m wrong, because I don’t know jack about lacrosse.  But doesn’t kicking your own teammates asses constitute some sort of a penalty, as in the kind of penalty that would get you thrown out of a game, before you REPEATED THE PROCESS ON ABOUT SIX PLAYERS?  It’s still kind of fun to watch, though . . .

Eventually, Isaac himself gets a taste of his own medicine (presumably from the Kanaima, himself, though he gets un-paralyzed surprisingly quickly, all things considered), and is pulled out of the game on a  stretcher.

That’s bad . . . (well, unless, of course, you were one of the players who didn’t end up getting beaten up because of it).

You know what’s very, very good, however?  STILES GETS TO PLAY!!!  (And not just with himself either, because he already did that twice today.)

And that causes Proud Papa Stilinski to have this reaction . . .

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Initially, Stiles kind of stinks up the joint on the field, which causes his personal cheering section to have this reaction . . .

But then, all of the sudden he’s AWESOME, which makes Lydia do THIS . . .

Seems like, if these keeps up, Stiles might be scoring in more ways than one, next season.  Hey, Lydia!  It’s high time you recognized the awesomeness of Stiles.  And, should you have any doubt in your mind that he is the right guy for you, might I remind you of the . . . size of his package?

*clears throat*

Hey Grandpa Crazy Pants!  I think it’s time to go back on your meds . . .

You see . . . it’s a pill container, and also a sundial . . . You gotta love old people and their trusty gadgets . . .

I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t really understand how the Supersonic Werewolf Hearing Power works.  I mean, is it like a set of quality headphones, allowing you to drown out all crowd noises, in favor of the old geezer whispering sweet nothings in your ear from across the field?  And what about Grandpa himself, I mean, presumably he was speaking at normal volume.

He’s totally eye-f*&king you right now . . .

How come no one but Scott had to listen to him threaten to kill Coach Crackhead, Scott’s mom, and assorted others, if Scott didn’t deliver him Derek in a handbag (which would be a really great Christmas present . . . just saying. ;))?

I won’t dwell on this too long though.  What’s important here is that Beacon Hill WON THE GAME, even without Hero McCall!

This, of course, might prompt you to wonder where our hero had scampered off too, after Mini Hulk Isaac went through all that trouble to beat up his teammates.  Well, as it turns out he went to SAVE ISAAC from Gerard.

“You totally thought you were going to get to shove that up my ass, didn’t you?”

In short, it was a really nice case of You Scratch My Hairy Werewolf Back, I’ll scratch yours . . .

But I guess now you are wondering who Gerard ordered Jackson to kill at the end of the game.  And here’s the kicker, we still don’t know!  Because after the game ended all of the lights went out in the field!

And then, get this Jackson KANAIMA’ED HIMSELF!  (Way to take one for the team, Jackson . . . literally.)

So, does that mean everyone is safe then?  Well, maybe, maybe not, because, wait for it . . . STILES IS MISSING . . .

Talk about a cliffhanger, right except not really, because we all saw Stiles very much alive in the promo, and we all know that the writers would all probably rather cut their right arms off than kill Stiles, which is entirely understandable given the sheer extent of his awesomeness?

And that was pretty much, “Battlefield,” in a nutshell.  Soooo . . . what did you think? 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever – Now with Team Stiles t-shirts!]

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Where There’s a Will, There’s an “A” – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “I Must Confess”

SPENCER:   “Nice to be stood up by your OWN therapist . .  .”

HANNA:  “She better not be charging us for this . . .”

EMILY:  “Do you smell something?  I think I smell a dead body.”

HANNA: “That might be me.  I just puked up coconut shrimp, right before I got here.”

EMILY:  “Nope, it’s definitely a corpse-like smell . . .”

ARIA:  “Aww, crap!  Not again!” 

Greetings, my Pretties!   Can you believe there is only one PLL episode left in the summer season?  It seems like only yesterday, that I was contemplating whether Creepy, Then-Only Possibly-Dead, Pedo Zombie Ian was somehow related to that Blueberry-looking chick from the Willy Wonka movies . . .

Good times!

Eleven episodes later, Ian is DEFINITELY dead.  And if the last few minutes of “I Must Confess” are any indication, “A’s” body count may very well be on the rise.  So, take a big hefty swig out of your vodka-spiked water bottle, make an appointment with your therapist, and set a dinner date with your long lost significant other, because it’s time for another PLL recap . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Call Emily the Weakest Link, Anymore . . .

Because I ran all the way to my therapist’s office, and only got slightly sweaty . . .

The episode begins with Emily receiving a pre-dawn text from “A,” and dashing out of her bedroom, in a panic.  Emily remains missing for hours, leaving her new girlfriend roommate, Hanna, and the rest of the PLL girls, to worry over her whereabouts.   We then see Emily running frantically through the woods, and winding up right outside Dr. Anne Sullivan’s office.  She NEEDS to talk . . .

“Geez, Emily.  You ran all the way here?  Would a SHOWER have killed you?  Some of us have to work in this office.”

However, by the time she arrives at the office, the rest of the girls are already there waiting for her.  Apparently, they need to talk too . . .

“Haha!  We beat you!” 

Way to be a loyal friend, Emily!  After some prodding, the girls evenually reveal to Shrinkypoo that “A” has been targetting Emily, specifically, for her weakness.  Apparently, she (or he?)  believes that, of the four girls, Emily is the “toughest nut to crack.” Also, it’s clearly her turn.

As it turns out, the text Emily received that morning relates to Aria.  It shows a picture of her cleaning Fitzy’s teeth with her tongue.  Underneath it is the phase, “Clue Ella [a.k.a. Mama Montgomery] in, and I will let YOU out.”

ARIA:  “Fitzy?  Is that Jackie I taste on your tongue?  Have you been cheating on me?”

FITZY:  “No, I just ate Jackie . . . because, I’m secretly a vampire . . . and because Jackie is LAME.”

ARIA:  “Oh . . . good call.”

Hey guys, remember when “A” pulled this same trick on HANNA a few episodes back, and it actually worked?

“Way to rub it in, Recapper!  That was actually a very dark time in my life.” 

Apparently, someone needs to update their “Unique Ways to Torture PLL Girls’ Handbook . . . and STAT!

One of the best lines of the episode, came when Spencer saw the picture, and wryly noted that, had Aria’s mom ACTUALLY seen it, she probably would have assumed it was “Spencer  . . . slutting it up” rather than her own daughter . . .”

“Hey, I am NOT a slut, Mama Montgomery!  How many sluts do you know that wear My Little Pony sweaters?” 

You can see a slight sense of relief pass over the girls, as they FINALLY tell someone outside their social circle about “A” (though they conveniently leave out most of the juicy stuff . . . you know, like the Jenna Thing . . . and Dead Ian).  No matter, Shrinkypoo seems sufficiently horrified by what she is hearing anyway, and wonders out loud why the girls have waited this long to come forward about what was happening to them . . .

“Ooh, this sh*t is JUICY!  I think I’ll go try and sell the idea to ABC Family, as a television series!  I’ll just have to insist that they get Angelina Jolie to play me.”

The next day at school, Shrinkypoo makes an appearance at school, during which she makes a speech to the student body about the dangers of Cyber Bullying . . .

 

“Yeah A!  That poster is totally on to you!”

While Shrinkypoo is giving her speech, we get a series of reaction shots from the rest of the cast.  The PLL girls look kind of horrified . . .

Blind Jenna looks evil.  (But, then again, she pretty much always looks like that . . .)

Annoying Mona looks like she’s practicing for a time twenty years in the future, when she has to get her first Botox injections, and finds herself no longer capable of forming realistic facial expressions .  . .

“I know you can’t tell from my face.  But I am VERY, VERY upset about this whole Bullying Thing.”

After the assembly, Hanna is FURIOUS with Shrinkypoo!  She feels like the therapist pretty much took her clothes off in public (Then again, this might just be a side effect of her late night phone sex sessions, with Caleb.)

“I just feel so violated!  Now, everybody knows what my Lily looks like!”

Conversely, Emily found Shrinkypoo’s speech empowering.  And she shows her newfound strength when Big Bad Blind Bully Jenna approaches the girls, and makes some snide remark about how Dead Ali was the biggest Cyber Bully of them all . . . “I guess it takes a bully to know one, Jenna.  Now, move your stick.  Other people are trying to pass you!” Emily sneers.

“Yeah, and while you are at it, why don’t you take your little stick and shove it up Police Boy Garrett’s ass!”

“You GO, EMILY!”

Why You Should Never Leave Hanna Alone with Your Wedding Dress . . .

Hanna is trying to play nice with Facelift Kate, after the whole “I Said Crappy Stuff About You on the Loudspeaker at Some Horse Farm, and You Threatened to Turn Me into Glue” thing.  So, she asks Spencer to get her some old smelly horse books to give to Facelift Kate, as a form of apology . . . you know, because Spencer – like most people who own My Little Pony Sweaters – is an expert on smelly horse books.

I don’t know, Hanna . . . if I was trying to make someone forget about an incident that occurred at a HORSE Farm, I would probably start by NOT GIVING THEM BOOKS ABOUT HORSES . . . just a suggestion.

Then, Hanna’s grandma makes a random appearance at school . . .

Apparently, she needs a copy of Hanna’s house keys, and wants Hanna to take her to the bathroom, so that she can “wipe the dew off her lily.”

And if that statement means what I think it means, that’s pretty much the most disgusting request I have ever heard someone make on prime time television, EVER!  (Just a note, boys and girls, if an adult ever asks you to go into the bathroom with them, and “wipe the dew off their lily,” that’s when you RUN AWAY . . .  FAST!  NO JOKE!  I assure you that Granny is fully capable of wiping the dew off her OWN LILY!  And if she isn’t, she should probably be in an assisted living facility, where trained nurses can do it for her.  Just sayin  . . .)

Back at home, Hanna is busy having Phone Sex with Caleb . . .

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 . . . when she gets a call on the other line from her dad.   AWKWARD!  Apparently, Daddy wants her to give a toast to the new happy couple, with Kate, at the engagement party.  (Gee Dad?  Aren’t toasts supposed to be like . . . I don’t know . . . spontaneous, or something?  It kind of defeats the purpose of a toast when you TELL someone they have to say good stuff about you.)  Hanna looks like she’d rather have all her fingernails plucked off than have to give a speech with Kate.  But she agrees to it anyway, because she is trying to be the “good daughter.”

Oddly enough though, Grandma Marin, of the Dewy Lily Club, is TOTALLY NOT COOL with her son’s upcoming nuptials.  In fact, she, more or less compares the upcoming event to cows getting slaughtered . . . (Boy, this woman sure loves her metaphors, doesn’t she?)

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“I’d rather become a Sloppy Joe, than help you get the dew off your lily . . .”

When Hanna’s mom comes home, Grandma Marin tells her that she looks like Condoleeza Rice . . . which, I guess, is supposed to be a compliment . . .

Yeah . . . I don’t really see the resemblance . . . Hillary Clinton, maybe, but not Condy . . .

Granny then tells her ex-daughter in law, that she should pretend that she’s starring in the last five minutes of Every Romantic Comedy Film Ever Written, and stop her son’s wedding.  Mama Marin is NOT amused . . .

“First of all, I look nothing like Condoleeza Rice.   Second of all, stop making my daughter touch your lily!”

At Papa Marin’s Super Snooty Engagement Party, Grandma Dewy Lily is being hilariously rude to her son’s guests, which makes me fall a bit in love with her, despite having kind of a bad first impression.

“Why should I bother learning any of your names?  My son’s to be divorced again in about two months . .  .”

Meanwhile, Hanna is trying to mend fences with the super slimy Facelift Kate, who’s acting nice on the surface, but is so obviously being fake, that I can’t, for the life of me, understand how Hanna isn’t picking up on it.

“Oh, Hanna!  It is so good to see you!  I would very much like to rip that blonde hair at of your head, lift my leg, and pee on your bloody skull.  I can’t wait to become your SISTER!

Facelift Kate takes this opportunity to show Hanna her mom’s wedding dress, which, of course, is NOT WHITE.  (That one clearly hasn’t been a virgin in a VERRRRRRRY long time!)

“Believe it or not, this is the same dress my Mom wore when she married my dad . . . It was white back then . . .”

Facelift Kate pulls out her purse, and extracts what she claims are two water bottles filled with vodka.  She offers some “liquid courage” to Hanna as the two plan out their toast.  Hanna seems hesitant at first, but sheer stupidity peer pressure wins out in the end, and she decides to chug-a-lug.

“I’ll get you my Pretty, and your little Lily too!” 

As a viewer, I figured out immediately, that Facelift Kate had manipulated the water bottles to sabotage Hanna.  (I actually thought she was goin to do something way worse, like lip her a Roofie, or something.)  But I could also see how Hanna — given her insecurities regarding her newfound popularity and her relationship with her dad — might put her misgivings aside, and go along with this Rich B*tch, in hopes of being accepted by her, and “fitting in” to this new family.  Seeing Hanna get gradually more intoxicated, as the evening wore on, was pretty darn funny . . . and yet, kind of sad too, since we all knew this wasn’t going to end well . . .

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When Facelift Kate conveniently steps outside for a bit, Hanna starts drunkenly dancing around with her stepmonster’s dress, gets dizzy, and TOTALLY YAKS all over the darn thing!

Before . . . 

After . . . 

The evil wench, of course, sees the whole thing go, down, smirks triumphantly, and heads off to give the toast by herself.

After the party, Papa Marin goes into the ladies’ room (What the heck is with this family following eachother into bathrooms?!)  He’s FURIOUS with his daughter for getting wasted, and bailing on the toast.  Hanna argues that Facelift Kate was drinking too, but Papa said SHE was poised and mature during the toast, unlike his Alchy of a DAUGHTER!

Grandma Awesome sticks up for Hanna, insisting that Papa should take it easy on her.  After all, it’s not like she PUKED ON THE BRIDE, which is what Grandma would have done!  When Facelift Kate returns, Grandma TOTALLY has her number, yanks her purse away from her, and extracts the two water bottles.

“Mmm!  Smells like breakfast!” 

Of course, the one Kate was drinking was plain water, whereas Hanna’s was PURE VODKA.

Granny gives a miserable, and sure to be VERY hungover tomorrow morning Hanna a hug, and takes her favorite granddaughter home to sleep it off . . .   Ooh!  I HATE FACELIFT KATE!  I can’t wait to see what Hanna has planned for her revenge!  It better be something GOOD!

Why You Should Never Discount Your Ex-Girlfriends . . . Even While they are in De-Gaying Camp . . .

“This is what I’m going to use to smack Granny for rearranging my cabinets, without permission.”

While Hanna is busy changing her stepmonster’s wedding dress from gawdy gold to puke brown (with coconut shrimp chunks), Emily is at home with Mama Marin having a heart-to-heart.  (Isn’t it weird / sort of sad that Emily’s relationship with Hanna’s mom seems way more affectionate and honest than her relationship with her own?)  Emily asks Mama Marin if she is upset about being home, while her former husband marries a Rich B*tch with an Evil Spawn of a Daughter . . .  Mama Marin admits that it’s hard, but that she’s doing her best to get by.  (I’m sure it helps to Mama Marin to know that Granny is going to make that Evil Wench’s life ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE!)

Then Mama’s maternal instincts kick in, and she asks Emily what’s going on between her and Samara.

“Well, actually, I think she left the show to play a supernatural creature on The Vampire Diaries, like all my ex-girlfriends eventually do.”

When Emily explains that there are still a lot of unanswered questions in her relationship with Samara, Mama Marin notes that, when you have unanswered questions in a relationship, it’s best to . . . you know . . . ASK THE OTHER PERSON ABOUT THEM.  (Duh!)  Shortly thereafter, we see Emily waiting at a restaurant for somebody.

And we THINK it’s going to be Samara . . .

“Nope!  Guess again!” 

So, you can imagine our surprise (Well, at least those of us who hadn’t read the spoilers were surprised!)  when the person who sits down at the other end of the table is . . . wait for it . . . MAYA!

Looking good, Maya!  De-gaying camp, has done wonders for your complexion! 

That’s right, boys and girls!  Fresh from De-Gaying Camp, Emily’s first girlfriend has clawed her way out of the PLL Vortex for Lost Significant Others, and right back into Emily’s heart.  I have to say, it was cute, how well these two seemed to relate to one another.  And, considering how EFFED up, sexually confused, and emotionally abused by her mom Emily was, when she FIRST started dating Maya, it was great to see our Emily looking all happy, horny and evolved, this time around.

If you know me, you know I wasn’t Maya’s biggest fan, the first time around.  However, she definitely won me over with her little jab at Emily’s ex-girlfriend “Little Orphan Bitchy.”

BOO!  Hiss! 

“She shoved your head underwater, and you STILL DATED HER!  Man, I didn’t come back a moment too soon!”  (Truer words were never spoken, Maya.)

Foreplay?

And then, Emily and Girlfriend #1 lived Happily Ever After . . . (at least until next week, when “A” will probably try to decapitate Emily and blame on Maya, or something else awful like that . . . No relationship is sacred on this show . . .)

Speaking of relationships, “A” has yet to ruin . . .

Why You Shouldn’t Keep Your Eyes Closed, While Making Out with Abs Toby . . .

There’s this totally random scene, at the beginning of the episode, in which a Grossed Out Abs Toby spies his adopted sis, Blind Jenna, lining up discarded fruit rinds on the dashboard of Policeboy Garrett’s car.

I love Toby’s disturbed facial expression, here . . . 

But Police Boy Garrett’s is EVEN FUNNIER! 

Oddly enough, Policeboy Garrett doesn’t seem to mind to mind that much, and starts sucking Blind Jenna’s face right in front of poor Abs Toby, who’s probably WISHING he was blind, right about now . . .

“AHHHH!  MY EYES!” 

Later, we have this sadly prophetic scene, in which Spencer makes out with Abs Toby in his pickup truck, on the way to school, and tells him that they have to be careful, or “A” will try and break them up.  Abs Toby promises her that this will never happen, which makes us feel pretty certain that it WILL . . .

Enjoy it while it lasts, Spoby!  Because something tells me you are in for a World of “A” Pain!

That night, we get a MUCH HOTTER Spoby Makeout session, which features Abs Toby’s half unbuttoned shirt.  (TAKE IT OFF, TOBY!  TAKE IT ALL OFF!)

Talk about a buzz kill.  Things are just about to move to a TV-MA rating, when Abs Toby notices two figures involved in an intense discussion upstairs in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom.  He tells Spencer what he saw.  And Spencer wonders why Abs Toby had his eyes open, while they were making out.

This, of course, made me think of that Bruno Mars’ song, “Grenade.”  (“I should have known you were trouble from your first kiss.  You had your eyes wide open.  Why were they open?“)  So, then I started singing to myself.  Annnnnd .  . . I pretty much missed the rest of the scene.  OOPS!  (Damn you, Bruno Mars!)  I’ll try my best to tell you what happened, anyway.

Now that Spencer knows that Abs Toby is watching her kiss him, she’s probably feeling pretty uncomfortable.  I mean, what does she look like, when she’s kissing?   Does she make a weird face?  Is her mouth doing something weird?  It’s got to be pretty disconcerting to know something like this.

So, of course, NOW SHE’S KISSING WITH HER EYES WIDE OPEN (Why were they open?  I gave you all I had, and you tossed it in the trash, you tossed it in the trash, yes you diiiiiiiddd . . .  SEE, what you did to me, Abs Toby?)

While open-eyed macking, Spencer sees the same thing that Abs Toby saw.  And now she’s thoroughly freaked out.  So, she rushes from the car, as a half-naked Abs Toby chases after her.  (CAN I GET A HELL YEAH?)

NO TOBY!  Take the shirt OFF!  Trust me, you will run MUCH faster . . . 😉 

But it gets worse.  The person Facelift Vampire Jason was talking to ends up being . . . wait for it . . . HER DAD!

Cue SPENCER FACE!

A fairly intense scene follows, in which Spencer tries to get her dad to explain what the f*&k he’s doing hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, and her dad totally blows her off!  Then, Abs Toby gets in the mix, risking his job, and his relationship with his potential future father-in-law, by demanding that Daddy Dearest answer Spencer’s questions.

Daddy is FURIOUS, that his daughter’s boyfriend would have the AUDACITY to confront him in this way.  (Personally, I thought it was kind of hot!)  He wants Spencer to come home with him IMMEDIATELY, but she refuses.  And her and Abs Toby speed away in their car, as Daddy Dearest chases after it . . . like a dumb dog, who’s just gotten off his leash . . .

“Oh, go pee on a hydrant, Dad!  I have more open-eyed face-sucking to do!” 

When Spencer arrives home that night, Daddy Dearest reluctantly admits that Ali and Facelift Jason’s grandmother had changed her will right before she died, and TOTALLY cut Facelift Jason out, leaving everything to Ali.  Then, after BOTH Ali and granny died, the Dilaurentis’ hired Daddy Dearest to alter the date on the will, and it’s contents, so that it didn’t appear to give Jason a motive for killing Ali.  (Annnnd, now we know where Jason got all his money from!)

Mind control, of course! 

In a flashback, we see Alison suggest that Jason may have sold a family heirloom to buy drugs, and that she may have gone to visit her grandmother before she died to tell her this, so that she would change her will.

“I’m going to take ALL YOUR MONEY!  Suck on THAT, Facelift Vampire Jason!” 

Spencer then, puts two and two together, recalling that Alison (and possibly Ian?) went away to Georgia, shortly before her death, to visit her grandmother.  And this was, possibly, when she got the will changed.   Given all this, now Spencer REALLY thinks Facelift Vampire Jason killed Ali  . . . both, for the money, and to get back at her for trying to have him cut out of the will.

Daddy Dearest warns Spencer not to pursue such theories, which brings Spencer to a more dangerous question.  “What does the Dilaurentis Family have on US, that you were willing to break the law to help them?”

“I’ve been a bad, bad boy . . .” 

“You are SOOOO busted!” 

Daddy Dearest didn’t exactly have an answer for that one, but I’m going to guess it has something to do with the fact that he’s porking (or at least used to pork Ali and Jason’s mom) . . .  We’ll see if I’m right . . .

Why You Should Never Touch Psycho Mike’s Computer . . .

“Stop trying to steal my internet porn, MOM!” 

Ma and Pa Montgomery are fighting about Psycho Mike.  Pa Montgomery wants him on anti-depressants, since he thinks his emotional condition is the same genetic one that afflicted his brother.  Ma Montgomery doesn’t think drugs are necessarily the answer.  She wants Psycho Mike to try talking to a therapist first, to see what specifically is causing Mike to behave this way.

Honestly, I can usually care less about Aria’s parents, but their discussion was an interesting one, this week.  After all, both Ma and Pa have a point.  On one hand, there shouldn’t be any stigma against taking medication for clinical depression.  And, in this case, Mike has both a family history of the disease, and is showing all the classic signs.  On the other hand, knowing this show, Mike’s sudden depression is almost certainly situational, and almost definitely has something to do with “A.”  So, talking, more than drugs, is probably the answer here . . .

“Hey Psycho Mike?  Why don’t you take a break from Cyber Sex, and come down for dinner, K?” 

Anywhoo . . . Aria enters Mike’s room to find him once again tapping away at his computer (which seems somehow linked to whatever it is that causing him to act out).  She tells Mike to come down for dinner, and when he refuses, Mama Montgomery comes in, and tries to take his computer away.  BAD MOVE!  Psycho Mike FREAKS OUT, and wrenches it from her fingers, causing her to fall back into one of his chests of drawers, and seriously hurt her wrist.

It’s a heartbreaking scene, as a horrified Psycho Mike, upon realizing that he just basically beat up his own mother, dashes into the bathroom, while Ma Montgomery chokes back tears.

I have to say, Holly Marie Combs was remarkable in this scene.  As a typically strong mother type, it was fascinating to see Ma Montgomery looking unusually timid and fragile, this week. I honestly had tears in my eyes, when she frantically made Aria promise not to tell her father what Mike did.  Ma Montgomery seems afraid of what her husband would do to Psycho Mike, if he found out.   She also seems just the slightest bit afraid of her own son . . .

This storyline made me teary AGAIN, when Aria came back into Psycho Mike’s room, and sat on the edge of his bed, next to him.  “Is mom going to be all right?”  He asked his sister nervously, acting the part of the innocent younger brother, once again.

“Yes,” replied Aria.

“Am I going to be?”  He asked worriedly.

“Yes,” exclaimed Aria, pulling her little brother in for a tight hug.

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(All together now: AWWWWWWW!)

Toward the end of the episode, Aria, tired of all the secrets her family has been keeping from one another, finally confronts her parents about Psycho Mike’s stealing.

And when Mike, himself, comes down to the living room to be with his family, we all feel a bit of hope, that things might finally start to become a bit less angsty in the Montgomery home.

 *sniffle, sniffle*  “I just keep having all of these FEELINGS!”

(Or, at least, we can FINALLY figure out what the f*&k has been going on with Psycho Mike!)

Why You Should Always Check Your Bobble Head Dolls for Bugs . . .

Dr. Freud is ALWAYS listening . . . 

The night after her morning meeting with the PLL girls, and her triumphany BULLIES ARE BAD speech, Shrinkypoo is walking the streets of Rosewood by herself late at night (never a good idea, by the way), when she gets a strange cell phone call.  The call is basically a taperecording on repeated playback of Shrinkypoo talking to the girls, during their private therapy session.

“Hi, Shrinkypoo!  I’m calling to confirm the appointment I have with you later tonight.  My name is ‘DEATH’.” 

Having already had her office broken into once before, an understandably terrified Shrinkypoo calls the Lame-o Rosewood cops to search for bugs in her office.  These police academy rejects find no such bugs, but that’s clearly because they aren’t really looking all that hard.  Not surprisingly, Policeboy Garrett is there.

“Gee Shrinkypoo, I’m really sorry that you have a potentially murderous stalker watching your every move.  But I need to get back to making out with my underage girlfriend . . .  Catch ya later . . . unless, you are already dead by then.”

Oddly enough, all Policeboy seems interested in are the names of the patients that were in Shrinkypoo’s session during the supposed bugging, so that he can find them, chop them into tiny pieces, and feed them to Blind Jenna.  Shrinkypoo is fortunately smart enough not to give the Shady Police Boy this confidential information.  And he leaves in a huff . . .

Later, while thumbing through her files, Shrinkypoo comes upon one file in particular belonging to a patient, the same age as the PLL girls.  Upon studying the file, Shrinkypoo notes some shocking similarities between the patient and this “A” the girls are describing.

So, she calls Emily and tells her to gather the girls and meet her at the office ASAP.   “I know who A is,” Shrinkypoo says, though OF COURSE, she conveniently doesn’t give this information out over the phone.  Because that would be too easy, right?

By the way, remember that time when HANNA texted the PLL girls to tell them that SHE knew who “A” was?  Remember what happened to her, back then?

Ahhhh, memories . . . 

So, the girls’, of course, rush to Shrinkypoo’s office, eager to learn the true identity of “A.”  But when they get there . . . SURPRISE!  She’s not there!  In fact, she might be DEAD!

At least that’s what THIS text message, which the girls get, shortly after arriving in the office, seems to suggest . . .

OH NO!  How are the girls ever going to learn “A’s” identity now!  THE HORROR!

In the final scene, we see gloved hand trashing the incriminating therapy file, and removing a not-particularly-well hidden bug from the bottom of a Sigmund Freud bobble head  (See, Police Boy Garrett!  Dead Shrinkypoo was RIGHT!  It wasn’t IN THE WALL!) . . .

Damn you, “A”!   Damn YOU!

If you thought this week’s PLL was intense, wait until you check out next week’s trailer!  Be prepared for ugly dolls, more cryptic “A” messages, and a weird Ali dream sequence, among other things . . .

You know what else is going to be INTENSE about next week’s summer finale?  My blogger pal, France and I will be LIVEBLOGGING IT!

Yes, Hanna, we love it too!  Be sure to check back later this week, when I will have exclusive details on how YOU can take part of this spectacular event!

See you then, my Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Welcome Football Fans! – A Recap of Glee’s “The Sue Sylvester Shuffle”

Question:  What do Football, Fights, Zombies, Cannon Balls, and Flaming Boobs, have in common? 

If you answered that all of these things were included Glee‘s Post-Superbowl Extravaganza episode, to help the show appeal to male sports fans, you are ABSOLUTELY right! 

Interestingly enough, the change in target audience, did not at all seem to hamper the show’s quality.  In fact, dare I say, making Glee more “Boy Friendly,” may have actually improved it. 

I mean, sure, the episode was certainly not perfect.  It lacked cohesion, and certain scenes seemed to appear completely out of nowhere (I’m looking at YOU, “Bills, Bills, Bills”).  Yet, overall, it was a fun-filled hour, one who’s main theme — about football players risking their popularity to perform in Glee club — seemed to be a gentle, but deliberate, nod to the football fans who were watching.  And the message was clear:  “It’s OK, if you’re enjoying this.”

So, what are we waiting for, let’s get recapping!

Your Boobs are on FIRE (and Your Cannon has Fibromyalgia!)

We open on the Cheerios performing an obnoxiously over-produced, Half-Time show-esque, dance number to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls.”  During the number, the girls wore blue hair, as a homage to Katy herself.  They also wore pointed cones on their chests, as a homage to early 90’s Madonna (?).  From the girls’ Boob Cones, shot fiery sparklers (because boys like HOT boobs). 

 Behind the girls, were a few guys doing bike flips off a ramp.  Of course, no one was paying attention to them — no GUYS, anyway — because of the girls and their Flaming Boobs . . .

If Flaming Boobs aren’t exactly your thing, and you weren’t a fan of the opening number, you weren’t alone.  Because Sue Sylvester didn’t like it either, “I’m bored,” she whines into he megaphone, after the song wraps. 

(As if knowing that Sue is talking about them, upon hearing these words, the Flaming Boobs fizzle out, unceremoniously.)

Isn’t Becky a member of the Cheerios?  If so, why wasn’t she in this number?  Does anyone else find this vaguely offensive?

After that, Sue makes a not particularly funny joke that runs on WAY too long.  It involves (1) the benefits of stuffing one’s bra with chicken cutlets;  and (2) having cheerleaders intermittently hit one another in the face with them . . .

Chickens were NOT amused.

Quinn wisely notes that there was nothing necessarily wrong with the dance number.  Rather, Sue herself has simply become completely impossible to please.  And no matter how extravagant the Cheerios numbers become, she will continuously want to top herself.

Sue doesn’t entirely disagree with this statement  But that doesn’t mean she isn’t going to try and “improve” the Cheerios’ performance, in any way she can  And so, while watching a cartoon featuring someone getting shot out of a cannonball, our “favorite” Cheerleading Coach comes up with an idea . . .

She will shoot one of her Cheerios out of a cannon, during the Cheerleading Championships!  Specifically, THIS Cheerio . . .

“I don’t want to die yet . .  . at least not until One Tree Hill gets canceled next year,” Brittany whines, upon learning that she is the “lucky” human cannonball.

Hmmm . . . Brooke Davis didn’t like something I wrote above . . . Maybe it was those two words I crossed out . . .

Fortunately for Brittany, she gets a brief reprieve from certain death.  This is because Sue is willing to use a Brittany-looking doll for the “trial run.”

To Brittany’s horror, her Poor Unfortunate Doll Doppelganger gets blown to itty bitty bits of Blonde.  Seeing this undoubtedly makes Brittany wish she had chosen a show with a brighter future to measure her lifespan by . . . Two and a Half Men  American Idol one of the 500 different versions of Law and Order, perhaps?

When Sue learns that she will need Brittany’s consent in order to make her explode, the “kindly mentor” secures it by giving Brittany a “We miss you,” card, purportedly written by the cannon, in crayon, no less.  Later, Sue tells a still uncertain Brittany a sob story about how the cannon has two growing baby cannons at home, and one on the way.   (Mama Cannon has fibromyalgia, so she can’t work.) 

 Eventually, Brittany agrees to literally sign her life away on Sue’s Consent Form.  Of course, she signs using an “X” because she doesn’t know how to spell her name, apparently.  (Sometimes they go a bit too far with the whole “Brittany is dumb” thing.  Don’t you think?)

Jocks versus Gleeks, Take 252

It’s a tale as old as high school:  popular versus unpopular, jocks versus geeks, football players versus gleeks.  But at McKinley High, it’s way worse.  For one thing, half the Glee club is also on either the football team, or on the cheerleading squad.  This makes the school’s social hierarchy . . . confusing . . . to say the least.

“So we are Gleeks . . . and we are Footballers.  Does this mean we have to Slushee ourselves?”

Additionally, Slushees ruin clothing, which is a HUGE problem for the Cheerios and Football players, none of whom seem to own any other clothing aside from their probably VERY smelly uniforms . . . 

Up until this point, however, the McKinley High Football team has been able to limit their Gleeks versus Jocks rivalry to off the field.  However, when a fight erupts between Finn and Karofsky that spreads through the entire football team, causing them to LOSE their game, Coach Beiste knows that serious measures must be taken. 

And so, she turns to her new Kissing Buddy, Will Schuester, for help.

Will’s grand “Plan” involves Beiste requiring the entire football team to be part of Glee club for an entire week.  The non-Gleeky footballers, not surprisingly, balk at the idea.   Azimio for one, refuses to sing showtunes, because they were written by his “oppressors.”  

Realizing that a bit of persuasion will be needed to get the football players on board, Will invites Rachel and Puck to perform Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now” for the now doubly large Glee Crew.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love me some Puckleberry duets, and seeing Puck strum that guitar, while crooning softly to ANY song, is enough to make my toes curl.  But, honestly, considering the purpose of this duet was to convince a bunch of football players that Glee Club was cool, a slow romantic country ditty seems a particularly odd musical choice.  I mean, why didn’t they pick a song the football players would understand, like . . . say, “We are the Champions,” or “Eye of the Tiger,” or “We Will Rock You,”  or “Mama Said Knock You Out?”

Given the poor choice in song, I wasn’t too surprised when Azimio snarkily remarked that “The girl in the mohawk has a nice voice,” thereby prompting the entire Glee club and football team to erupt into a knock down dragout fight. 

“Oh, NO you didn’t just make fun of my AWESOME Mohawk?”

One GOOD thing that comes out if this brawl, is the reunion of former besties Puck and Finn, who decide to put aside their differences (and by “differences” I mean their tendency to swap Rachel and Quinn with one another, every other week like trading cards) and unite to promote unity amongst the football team and Glee club.  The bromantic buddies cement their partnership with a solid fist bump, of course.  (How very manly of them!)

Sue Sylvester is SCARY, and so are zombies . . .

It’s a good thing Finn and Puck decided to unite.  Because it looks like they are going to need all the help they can get!  When Principal Figgins balks at Sue’s decision to shoot Brittany out of cannon, she suddenly turns into The Hulk, and inexplicably starts throwing furniture around Mr. Figgins office, and later the gym locker room . . .

Will and the rest of the faculty begin to wonder whether Sue has finally gone off the deep end, for good.  But Sue stops throwing things around long enough to calmly explain to them, that she has moved the date of the cheerleading championships to the same day as the football championships.  This means, not only that the football team has no cheerleaders to perform its halftime show . . .

Shocking, I know . . .

 . . . but that Quinn, Santana and Brittany are once again forced to choose between Glee club and the Cheerios.  (Of course, if they attend the football game, according to Sue, they will be off the squad.)

Will comes up with the idea that the FOOTBALL players, who are honorary Glee club members this week, anyway, will perform their own halftime show, along with the rest of the Glee Club.  Coincidentally, this will NOT be the first time, the McKinley High Football players dance during a game.  Remember the whole “Put A Ring On It,” fiasco during Season 1?

Most of the football team would probably prefer that you forgot this.

What songs will the Gleeks / Footballers be performing THIS TIME you ask?  A Mashup between Michael Jackson’s Thriller and Yeah, Yeah, Yeah’s “Heads Will Roll,” of course.

Did I mention that the crew will be going to do the entire performance dressed like Football-Playing Zombies?  (Oh yes, because in addition to being able to dance an entire music number, during the ONLY break they will have during a two-hour game, these footballers, are also, apparently, experts at the application of zombie makeup!)

Interestingly enough, this is how I look sometimes when I first wake up in the morning . . .

As for the Cheerios, sadly, Sue Sylvester bullies them into quitting the Glee Club, so that they can attend the cheerleading competition.

This causes Finn to want to lecture the girls about their Bad Life Choices, like the disappointed DAD he is.  It also prompts Quinn’s not-for-long!  beau Sam to rush to the girls’ defense.  In an attempt to stay relevent to this show Macauley Culkin also challenges Finn for the position of “unofficial” Glee Club leader.  Nice try, freshman! 

Honestly, the whole fight is contrived and ridiculously stupid.  But Quinn of course, who realizes the two men are REALLY fighting over her, finds the whole thing to be incredibly HOT . . .

“Now, if you guys would kindly take off your shirts and pants right now, I’d be SOO much happier!”

Pissing contests for Quinn’s affection aside, the footballers and the Gleeks begin to rehearse their half-time number.  And I’ll be darned if they don’t do a pretty great job at it.  Interestingly enough, it’s Gay Homophobic Bully Karofsky who shows the MOST musical talent of the footballers!  So much talent, in fact, that Will suggests that HE join Glee club, for real!

Karofsky is AWE-SOME!”

To most fans surprise, Karofsky doesn’t actually seem to HATE the idea.  He even suggests that the Glee crew start off with a warm-up number, to ensure that the halftime show itself is absolutely perfect.  For the warm-up, the Glee kids choose the song “She’s Not There,” which was appropriately originally sung by a band called The Zombies.

Things take a bad turn, however, when, after performing this number, the FOOTBALL players get slusheed by . . . get this . . . the HOCKEY PLAYERS, who “cleverly” argue that the football team has just been “turned gay,” because they performed a musical number dressed as the undead.  (Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever heard the word “gay” uttered this many times in a single hour, since I watched that movie on Logo last week.)   Of couse, the “gay” accusation totally freaks out the footballers, particularly the ACTUALLY gay, Karofsky . . .

This unfortunate incident prompts the football players to REFUSE to perform at the Halftime show, even though doing so will mean that they can’t participate in the Championship Game.  (LOSERS!)  Suddenly, the football team is at risk of forfeiting the game, due to not having enough players to compete.  Coach Beiste tries to recruit new players from the rest of the school.  However, no one seems interested in crossing the Homophobe Picket Line.

And We Are Singing About “Bills” Now, Because . . .

And it is when we are our darkest hour at McKinley High, that the producers decide to inexplicably cut to Dalton Academy.   There, in the EXACT SAME LOUNGE where we shoot ALL of our Dalton Academy Scenes, as always, Blaine is singing solo, and the rest of silent Warblers, Kurt included, are dancing around him like the faceless, personality-less minions / disciples they are  . . . 

(Oh, Kurt!  I know you want in this guy’s pants.  But you can’t honestly say that his Diva Theatrics don’t piss you off, just the slightest bit?  Especially after he waxed poetic about how everybody was part of a TEAM at this school.  The Kurt I know would NEVER accept this kind of treatment!  No matter how sexy it’s source!)

So, anyway, in typical Warblers fashion, the group dances uncomfortably around Blaine, as he croons Destiny’s Child’s “Bills, Bills, Bills.”  Not only does the song sound REALLY awkward coming from a bunch of dudes, it also seems completely out of context in this football / zombie-themed episode.  On a positive note, Darren Criss’/ Blaine’s singing is pretty solid, making what would be a pretty annoying song, actually fairly palatable.

But don’t take my word for it.  See for yourself: 

 After their “song practice” Blaine and his loyal puppy dog, Kurt, head out to lunch with new gal pals, Mercedes and Rachel, who, in light of recent events, are MAJORLY depressed about the state of their Glee club, and football team . . .

I was more than a bit worried about Kurt applying for Stepford Hubby status, when he asserted that “We [i.e. Blaine and I] love football.”  However, when he qualified that “Blaine loves football.  I love scarfs”  I felt a bit better.

As it turns out, though, Blaine actually DOES like football! 

“Who knew?”

In fact, Blaine’s vast knowledge of pigskin (no pun intended) actually ends up coming in quite handy, when he informs Rachel of precisely how many football players are needed in order not to forfeit a game.  This gives Rachel an idea.  THE GLEE GIRLS CAN PLAY FOOTBALL!  (Or, rather, they can lie down on the field, while the guys play, so they don’t get disqualified.  How’s THAT for femisist rights!) 

Let’s Hear it for the GIRLS!

Though reluctant at first, the remaining footballers ultimately agree to Rachel’s suggestion . . .

Though the girls initially planned on just LAYING on the field the whole time, a couple of them, actually ended up HELPING the team!  For example, Lauren Zizes, with her WRESTLING background, had sheer force and intimidation on her side, making her a WAY more frightening football player than most of the guys she played alongside . . .

Now THAT is seriously scary!

But it was Tina Cohen Chang who REALLY shocked her teammates, by running nearly half the field, before being very roughly sacked by a member of the opposing team.  Though her beau, Mike, was obviously extremely concerned for her well-being, as she lay on the field unconscious . . .

“Sh*&t!”

 . . . he needn’t have worried.   Because, within just a few moments, Tina was up and mumbling, “Did we win yet?”

Tina was ultimately carried off the field, a True Hero!  (Now that’s some SERIOUS girl power!  I knew you wouldn’t let me down, Glee!)

Tina’s and Lauren’s surprisingly extraordinary footballer skills aside, the team was still losing miserably, just moments before halftime.   And so, temporarily putting Sam in charge of the team, Finn and Puck decide to salvage the rest of the game, by convincing the rest of the football players, as well as cheerleaders Quinn, Santana, and Brittany, to participate in the halftime show.  Finn worked on the cheerleaders, managing to grab them, just moments before they went on the bus toward the competition. 

Speaking quickly, he told the girls mostly stuff they already knew.  Namely, (1) Sue Sylvester doesn’t really care about them, and is typically mean to them;  (2) that she doesn’t care if Brittany DIES; and (3) that the girls are strong enough to withstand the miniscule popularity decrease they might suffer from not being cheerleaders anymore; (4) it’s hightime they wore something other than those stupid uniforms, for a change.  The girls agree because that’s what the plot requires hem to do, and jointly tell Sue that they are quitting the Cheerios. 

 “You are all my stars!  If you leave, I will have no performance,” Sue notes, admitting for the first time just how important these girls are to her success.

“Sucks for you,” snaps back Quinn, as the trio follows Finn back toward the football field.

Predictability aside, it was great scene.  And, I’m not going to lie.  Watching it, made me do something like THIS . . .

Karofsky For the WIN!  (well . . . almost)

As for Puck, he had NEARLY as much luck with the football players, ultimately getting all of them, except for Karofsky, to suit up and participate in the halftime show, which TOTALLY rocked, by the way . . .

The performance was SO rousing in fact, that Karofsky eventually sucked up his pride, and joined in mid-song.  He didn’t have any zombie makeup on of course, but it was still pretty awesome.

You can LISTEN to the song here:

After Beiste gives the rest of the football team the OK to compete, they go on to WIN THE GAME . . .

 .  . . but only because the team’s SCARY zombie makeup, and creepy repetitive chanting of “BRRAAAAAIIIINS,” freaks the crap out of the opposing team.  Nothing like playing FAIR, right?

Of course, my favorite part of all of it, had to be when one of the kids on the other team started screaming, “He bit me!  That zombie kid bit me!”  (Now THAT was hilarious!)

Lest you think Karofsky’s about to run out and join the Glee team, after that one rousing performance . . . think again!

“Why would I want to change?  I’m on top now,” asserts Karofsky, when Finn gives him his formal Gleek invitation (provided he head over to Dalton and personally apologize to Kurt, first, of course). 

Note: A  lot of fans were annoyed by this.  But I personally thought it was the right move, on the part of the writers.  For Karofsky to morph from Evil Homophobic Bully to Proud Glee Club star, in a single episode, would be completely unrealistic, in my opinion.  Not to mention, I doubt the rest of the Glee Club would accept him into their circle so easily, after what he did to Kurt — nor SHOULD THEY! 

The mere thought of it makes me weepy . . .

That being said, I do think the Karofsky character is on the path toward redemption.  And I’m very eager to see where his arc goes.  Right now, Karofsky is probably one of the most complex characters on this show.

Finn may not have had that much luck with Karofsky, but he did WAY better with Quinn, who, despite dating Macauley Culkin’s twin Sam for the past few episodes, spent the entire hour eye f*&king Finn.  She then concluded the episod,  by planting a fat wet one on his lips, right in the center of the school hallway . . .

Whatever Finn’s feelings for the recently dumped Rachel might be, you could tell that our resident Alpha Male was TRULY effected by Quinn’s kiss.  Note how the Smitten Boy kept his eyes closed for a full three seconds after she tongued him, as if not wanting his Wet Dream to end!  Now, whatever your couple loyalties are on this show, you have to admit, it was kind of adorable . . .

And given that this coming Tuesday is the show’s Valentine’s Day episode, we can be sure that this won’t be the last we will hear about that game-changing kiss.

Awww, don’t feel left out, Puck!  I’ll totally make out with YOU!

And that was Glee’s Super Bowl Spectacular.  Did you watch?  If so, what did you think?  Did you find the placement of “Bills, Bills, Bills” as awkward an unnecessary as I did?  Are you a fan of this sort-of new and improved Karofsky?  Are you on Team Fuinn?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section, below!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Hold Me, Thrill Me, Kiss Me, Kill Me – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “By The Light of The Moon”

“Now, Caroline, I know you’re on the run from a bloodthirsty werewolf right now, but would you mind telling me who styles your hair?  That Medusa look you are sporting now is simply TO DIE FOR!”

Dreamy Doppelganger Tomb Sex, Magical Orgasms, deals made with the Devil himself, hot shirtless sweaty werewolf transformations galore, a Death Bite, and a Crying Kat, what more could a fangirl want out of a mid-season finale?

(Well . . . aside from THAT, of course. ;))

(And that. ;))

Tonight’s TVD installment definitely brought the excitement, and the drama, as the show’s writers got all of their characters to exactly where they need to be, for the second half of the Season.  Let’s recap, shall we?

“Is that wolf hair on your back, or are you just happy to see me?”

When the episode begins, Tyler the Super Masochist is rewatching the Snuff Werewolf Porn his Uncle Mason left for him in the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway.  He calls Mason, who he believes to be in Florida (instead of . . . you know . . . dead . . . like he actually is) to ask him for advice on what he should wear to his upcoming Werewolf Coming Out Party (Guest list = Caroline).  Unfortunately, Mason is a rotting corpse in the trunk of Damon’s car not home to take Tyler’s call.  But THIS CHICK is . . .

As luck would have it, THIS CHICK can’t take Tyler’ call either.  She’s much too busy staring at the phone, with that “I’ve got an EVIL GENIUS plan” expression on her face . . .  The chick (whose name is Jules, by the way) apparently has magical “Beam Me Up, Scottie” powers, because, despite living in Florida, she is on the doorstep of Tyler’s Virginia mansion, within the time frame of a single commercial break.  But Tyler doesn’t have time to talk with Jules.  He has a full night of hot half-naked almost sex with Caroline painful werewolf transformations ahead of him.  And so, he makes up some excuse as to why he has to leave, and exits stage left leaving Jules to interrogate Tyler’s mom as to Mason’s whereabouts . . .

After meeting up at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Tyler and Caroline head together toward the S&M Dungeon of Love Lockwood Werewolf Hideaway . . .

Once there, Tyler quickly disrobes . . .

. . .  so he can make sweet, sweet love to Caroline won’t ruin his designer duds, upon shifting.  Caroline feigns shock and embarrassment at Tyler’s nude form, but we can all tell she totally wants to tap that ass . . .

With his all-important nudity out of the way (THANKS, TVD WRITERS!), Tyler goes about the business of actually making himself less of a danger to society.  While shackling himself to some fairly heavy duty chains (see what I mean about the masochism?), Tyler ask Caroline for the wolfsbane he requested that she get for him.  (Werewolf Fact:  Wolfsbane is poisonous to werewolves, and saps their strength.)  When Caroline hands the wolfsbane to Tyler, he instantly recoils from its touch, the rare spice nearly burning a hole in his hand.  He then dumps the vervain into a water bottle and begins to drink it, an action which causes him to wretch uncontrollably.

As the transformation progresses, Tyler proceeds to get sweatier and sweatier, and hotter and hotter looking.  But he is also in a crapload of pain, and not in a good way  . . .

Despite his repeated requests for her to go away, Caroline refuses to leave Tyler’s side – caressing his cheek, rubbing his back, and whispering encouraging words in his ear.  But when things start to get REALLY BAD, Caroline straddles Tyler, and rides him like a pony . . .

Yeeee haw!  Ride’em cowboy!

However, when Tyler starts growling, and sprouting gross pulsating growths on his back, Caroline determines that it may be about time for her to leave.  Now, almost a fully transformed werewolf, Growly Tyler begins systematically breaking free from his chains, one by one.  Oh, yeah .  . . Caroline is SO out of there! 

A rabid Tyler lunges at Caroline, as she backs toward the door, full of tears, and muttering apologies, all the way.  Still trying to be a friend to Tyler, even though he “hasn’t really been himself, lately,” Caroline waits outside the Dungeon door for as long as she can.  But, eventually, it begins to buckle, and Caroline begins to worry about whether Were Tyler is strong enough to break the door down.

She gets the HELL out of there . . . 

The next morning, Caroline heads back to the tomb to praise an again-human Tyler on a successful Werewolf Coming Out party.  He stayed in the tomb, and DIDN’T EAT ANYONE!

“That’s a good boy!  You’re a good boy, Tyler!  Yes you are!  Now roll over and play dead.”

Seeing that her life is no longer in danger, Caroline straddles Naked Tyler, once again.  (That’s my girl!)  “You are OK,” whispers Caroline sweetly into Tyler’s ear.

“No, I’m not,” mutters Tyler, as he bursts into tears, finally recognizing the enormity of what has just happened to him . . .

(By the way, if CW shows were capable of EVER getting Emmy’s, Michael Trevino totally deserves one for this.  He took a scene that, in the hands of a lesser actor, would have been laughable and overblown, and rendered an understated performance that was both truly horrifying and heartbreaking at the same time.)

(Oh, and let’s not forget the NAKED . . .)

 Team Badass Returns!

How about a little Damon and Alaric bromance to bring you some holiday cheer?  But . . . before we get to them . . .

Knowing that Elena would go all suicide missiony on everyone’s asses, and rush try to get Stefan out of that tomb with Katherine, Damon came up with the brilliant idea of having Jeremy and Bonnie “entomb her” in her own home.  And, if I could find a GIF of Nina Dobrev doing the “Mime Thing,” as she tried to break through the imaginary wall in front of her house, I would.  Suffice it to say, it looked kind of like THIS . . .

 . . . only less creepy.

Oh . . . wait . . . nevermind.  I just found one.  (Man, I love GOOGLE!)

But just when Elena is about to KILL Bonnie and her little bro for doing this to her, Damon magically appears . . .

Damon announces that he has arrived for his tour of duty on “Elena Patrol.”  This involves, making sweet, sweet love to Elena on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home  invading Elena’s personal space and eye-f*cking her brains out, until she’s so blissed out, she’s forgotten Stefan’s name . . .  THEN making sweet, sweet love to her on every conceivable surface of the Gilbert home. (See what I did there?)  😉 

Things get off to a great start, when Damon plops down on the couch next to Elena, and throws his arm around her shoulder, like the total Playa he is.  “I find hilarity in the great lengths I go to to save your life,” Damon snarks, meeting Elena’s trademark, “puss face” with a smile . . .

But then Alaric calls . . .

. . . and tells Damon that he is needed for a Daring Mission and Buddy Cop hijinks.  And while us Delena fans love Team Badass, we can’t help but be a bit saddened, as our dreams of Delena Cabin Fever Sex slowly fly out the window . . .

Clearly, Elena was looking forward to Delena Cabin Fever Sex too!

Anyway, Team Badass’ mission, should they choose to accept it, is to find out what the deal is with this Jules girl, who is nosing around Mystic Falls, and trying to find Mason.  They catch up with their mark at . . . where else .  . . THE ONLY BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT in Mystic Falls.

I love the way Damon and Alaric double-teamed Jules, using the same Good Cop / Douchey Drunk Cop Wingman Pickup Technique perfected by college boys, everywhere.  (Hey, maybe this would work on Elena?)

It’s worth a shot, right?

Anyway, while Jules is busy thanking Sweet Damon from saving her from Big Bad Louse Alaric, Alaric pours some wolfsbane in her drink.  If she chokes, she’s a werewolf.  If not, she’s just a b*tch.  In short, it’s like Two Guys, a Girl, and a Rufie – Werewolf Style.  (Thanks for the funny, Amy!)

If you recall, this was the same trick Caroline’s mom used on Poor Damon (i.e. vervain in the lemonade) a few episodes back, to out him as a vampire.  At least the experience taught him something useful!  The problem is that Jules is no fool, and sees right through the ruse.

She instantly smelled the Ode de Vampire cologne on Damon’s neck, and immediately guessed that he would try to slip wolfsbane in her drink.  “Tonight is the night of a full moon.  On any other night, our positions are reversed.  But tonight is not the night to pick a fight with me.  You’ve been marked,” warns the OBVIOUSLY werewolf Jules, before stalking out of the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.


“What the f*ck just happened there?”

Furious that he’s just been one-upped by one of Mason’s K-9 floozies, Damon is mad and ready for revenge.  However, Alaric kindly reminds him of that legend that he always relays during the “previously on” portion of every episode, “One bite from a werewolf can kill a vampire.”

Alaric certainly doesn’t want his buddy to die!  So, he advises him to return to La Casa de Rich and Awesome STAT, and lock all the windows and doors.  Surprisingly, Damon complies . . . but there is someone locked in there with him.  (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)  It’s Rose .  . .

Awwww, CRAP!

Rose tells her sob story.  She’s scared.  She has no where to go, and blah, blah, blah . . .

Hear that?  That’s the sound of the smallest violin playing for Rose.

Then, a window breaks.  Damon’s got another female visitor (ELENA?  PLEASE LET IT BE ELENA!)

It’s Jules, only she’s kind a looking a little doggish, if you ask me.  (Tyler was a kickass scary werewolf.  Jules looks more like a cute werepuppy.  Where I come from, we call that sexist, TVD writers.)  But instead of going for Damon, Jules bites . . . wait for it .  . . ROSE.

I’m liking this Jules character more already!

After Jules exits stage left, poor Damon actually looks genuinely concerned as to Rose’s welfare.  He hugs her close to him, feeling scared for her, not to mention incredibly guilty for the part he played in her demise.  But then, Rose’s bite appears to heal . . .

OK . . . OK . . . I know that was harsh.  But I promise you, I didn’t just want Rose to Bite the Big One, because she gets in the way of my Delena ship (though that is a VERY good reason).  I just think that cinematically, it would have been more dramatic, particularly considering this was a mid-season finale, for Rose to die instantly from were bite, as if shot with a bullet.  Not only would this force Damon to experience feelings of guilt, over the part he played in this loss, it would also prove to the Salvatores that werewolves (including Tyler) are a genuine danger for them, not just a hypothetical danger. 

But NOOOOO!  Rose seems totally fine . . . or is she?

“Sorry Rose.  It’s not you, it’s me.  You see, us Salvatore brothers are genetically programmed to only fall in love with girls who look like Nina Dobrev.”

A funny thing happened toward the end of the episode.  I started to NOT MIND ROSE .  . .

I know . . . crazy, right?

This was strange for me, considering my opinion of the character changed, while she was wearing that RIDICULOUSLY WHORISH purple nighty thing (seriously, what is up with that?), sitting way too close to Elena’s man for comfort, and KISSING HIM!

But here’s the thing.  I like that Rose doesn’t want to pursue anything romantically with Damon (WOO HOO!  GO TEAM DELENA!  We’ve still got it.). I like that she just wants Damon to scratch her itch, and assume the “friends with benefits” position that Now-Dead Trevor once occupied . . .

“500 years of sex with the same gal gets kind of boring, no?”

Perhaps, even more importantly, I like that Rose REMINDED Damon that he is in love with another woman . . .

Heck, she even seems willing to HELP Damon GET that woman — so that he could better screw protect her — if necessary.  (How’s that for self-sacrifice?)  So, of course, that means that Rose has to die, right?  Because whenever I start to kind of like a character I used to hate, they always have to die.  And when Damon finds these creepy pulsating bruises on Rose’s back, he begins to worry that werewolf bites may be fatal to vampires, after all .  . .

(Wait . . . does that mean my dreams of hot Taroline were/vamp sex cannot come true?)

Dammit!  Now they’ve got me rooting for Rose to live .  . .  MEAN WRITERS!

Meanwhile . . .

Bonnie and the Magical Orgasms, Part 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Having given Poor Jeremy the old kiss off, last week, Bonnie decides to busy herself with the task of de-spelling the Moonstone.  For help, she goes to . . . you guessed it . . . Little Richie from Family Matters Luca . . .

Luca is apparently a HUGE Witch Nerd with all sorts of Grimmores?  Grin Mores?  Gulags? spell books just lying around the house, waiting to be used at a moments notice.  Though mildly pissed at Bonnie for “channeling” him in the tomb-opening spell that almost killed him, Luca, who hasn’t been magically f*cked since last week, seems more than willing to help Bonnie de-spell the stone. 

And so the pair create their trademark romantic setting, with candles, and flowers, and blah, blah, blah.  Then they go in the center of a circle, hold hands and play Ring around the Rosey screw eachothers brains out WITH THEIR MINDS . . .

I decided to put Luca’s CURRENT picture here, only because the image of Bonnie mind f*cking the little kid from Family Matters was seriously starting to creep me out . . .

The “spell” looks surprisingly similar to the one these two did together last week, only this time the “moonstone” rose up and burst into sparks.  (I’m purposely ignoring the “their love set off sparks” metaphor the writers were obviously trying to go for here, because it was just so gosh darn LAME!)  But did Bonnie and Luca REALLY cure the moonstone of the doppelganger curse?  I’ll give you a hint . . . NO.  (OK . . . that wasn’t really a hint, but whatever.)

As it turns out, Evil Jonas Brother from Another Mother has been pimping out his son, in order to carry out Elijah’s dastardly plans.  And one of those plans involved “despelling” the FAKE moonstone, and stealing the REAL one.  And that’s what Luca did for his dad . . .

Kid, you are SO GROUNDED!  No Sesame Street for you!

Speaking of Elijah . . .

“Hi, I’m Elijah!”

Ahhhh . . . Useless Aunt Jenna.  I discovered yet a third function for her idiocy this week.  Let’s see . . . in addition to staking herself, and allowing us a glimpse at Alaric’s Chunky Monkey, she also INVITES BAD VAMPIRES INTO THE GILBERT HOME . . . like ALL THE TIME!  This time it was Elijah, who she invited in under the guise of “picking up some books,” or something lame like that.

“He can have his stinky books.  I don’t know how to read, anyway.”

As it turns out, Elijah has a little proposition for Elena, one that DEFINITELY seems to good to be true.  You see, most of us TVD fans, myself included, always assumed that Elijah was a high-ranking henchman for the Big Bad Santa Klaus . . .

But tonight we find out that those two Old Fart Vampires are kind of “on the outs.”  In fact, Elijah would very much like to stake Santa Klaus’ ass (It is Christmas, after all!)  All he wants Elena to do is stop trying to get herself killed.  And then, when the time comes, Elijah and Elena will go kill Klaus together.  If Elena goes along with this, Elijah promises to see that no harm comes to the people she cares about . . .

Yes, I’m aware that Elena cares about other people aside from Damon.  I’m just trying to make a point.  OK?  (Besides, as you can probably tell, I REALLLLLY like this picture.)

But here’s the thing, Elena is (sometimes) smarter than she looks.  And she knows that she is in the position to negotiate additional favors from the surprisingly genial vamp.  (Seriously?  Wasn’t Elijah much less of a grouch, this week?  Who knows maybe he’s also in love with Elena . . . like everybody else on this show.)  As you can probably guess, that “favor” involves a certain tomb . . .

Fake Doppelganger Tomb Sex = FAIL!

At least, we always have the GIFS!

Stefan’s and Katherine’s much anticipated tomb sex romp, ended up being nothing more than an Inception like, dream-walking exercise in fan annoyance . . .

(Heck, if Stefan had only thought to spin a top during the intercourse, the whole thing might not have happened at all . . .)

“If that was really just a dream, why do I suddenly feel like I have crabs . . .”

The whole Dream Thing really does beg the question of how much control Katherine actually has over what Stefan does and says, in the DREAM WORLD.  Could Stefan have really cheated in the tomb with Katherine (YES YES YES PLEASE YES)?  Possibly, but it probably would have taken another 140 years — long after Elena was dead and buried — for Mr. Straight and Narrow to go to bed, and for Dark Stefan to come out to play . . .

DAMMIT, GOOD STEFAN!  You just pissed off a lot of fans, and gave me the worst case of Blue Balls EVER!”

Then again . . . maybe it would happen much sooner.  After all, Katherine’ reiteration of her love for Stefan — while she’s locked in the tomb and has nothing to gain from saying it — really did seem genuine.  What also seemed genuine was Katherine’s offer of help to Stefan, in finding Klaus, and destroying the Moonstone curse, and, thereby, saving Elena’s life.  “Find Isobel . . . she’s an expert vampire history,” Katherine suggests, more or less.  “She found ME.”

Well, well, well . . . it looks like Elena’s Mommy Dearest will be making a reappearance, after all . . .

Unfortunately, for Kefan fans, we don’t really get the opportunity to find out whether Stefan will stray from Elena in 140 years.  Because, about 10 seconds later, Elijah stages a Tomb Style Jail Break for Stefan on Elena’s behalf . . .

“Rats!  Foiled again . . .”

Honestly, I’ve never seen Katherine more frightened, than she was by the arrival of Elijah.  Her terrified tears were heartening, really — much more so than the dramatic ones she shed during the Katerina episode, in my opinion.  And yet, Katherine’s fear doesn’t trump her arrogance. 

Wrongfully, assuming that she’s been sprung from the pokey too, Katherine bounds out after Stefan, only to find herself face-to-face with the compelling gaze of Elijah.  “You will stay here until I come for you,” says Elijah calmly, as Katherine’s eyes do that thing Elena’s do to show their being appropriately mesmerized . . .

Then again .  . . the guys compelling these girls are always so gosh darn hot, it’s possible that this is just “the look of love”  . . .

As Stefan leaves, Katherine pleads for him to take mercy on her soul.  “You aren’t going to leave me here alone, are you Stefan?”

Stefan ponders Katherine’s question for approximately 2.5 seconds before saying, “SEE YA, SUCKA!”

So much for being the “Safest B*tch in Town” . . .

In the last moments of the episode, we are treated to a syrupy sweet Stelena reunion, and the hints of some Stelena sex . . .

DELENA FANS:  “Rats . . . foiled again.”

Well, that was “By the Light of the Moon,” in a nutshell, folks.  Next up . . . a LOOOOOOOONG Hiatus.  New episodes of The Vampire Diaries are slated to air January 27th.  While you wait, however, feel free to enjoy over and over again, this promo for the next new episode . . .

WOAH!  Rose is going all Crazy Vampire Zombie on us!  Apparently, werewolf bites are like rabies for vampires.  So much for Damon’s “Friend with Benefits!”  Looks like its going to be Vampire Vicki all over again.  And did you catch the steamy Taroline kiss? 

SCORE!

Still thirsty for more?  Check out The Vampire Diaries season 2 marathon,starting this coming Monday on the CW.  Experience the fangtastic magic again, for the second time (and the third, and the fourth, and the fifth . . .)

See you next year, fellow Fang Bangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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