Tag Archives: 2.17

I’m not crying . . . It’s just raining on my face. – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Blonde Leading the Blind”

Greetings, my Pretties!  Oh, rainy days!  They can be good for so many things . . . like staring longingly out the window . . . or staring longingly out the window AND CRYING . . . or stopping traffic with a soggy, impromptu, supposedly secret, makeout session.

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Rain can make our secret emotions bubble up to the surface.  It can also give us REALLY bad hair . . .

Remember Paige?  Nobody else does . . .

This week’s rainy day installment of Pretty Little Liars was filled with shocking reveals, terrifying twists, lies, betrayals, makeups, breakups, and a whole lot of very wet faces . . .

But, sadly, no shower scenes . . .

Let’s review, shall we?

Reasons why you should invest in a good lock for your bedroom door . . .

“Well, hello there!  My name is Ian.  I’m your friendly neighborhood pedophile!  Don’t mind me.   I’m just here to install a nifty little video camera in your room, so I can watch you get naked, while in the comfort of my own home.”

When we last left our liars, Hanna was grudgingly allowing her Super Hacker and Formerly Homeless Boyfriend to extract the video files from A’s cell phone.  This week, the girls meet up to examine the fruits of his labor.  What they end up finding is quite fruity (fruitful?)

HANNA: “Ick, Ian is so gross.  Why do I feel the sudden need to take a shower?”

SPENCER: *rolls eyes* “Gee, I wonder!”

The video begins with that little episode of Ian / Ali snuff porn we’ve all seen about eighty times before by now.  “I know you wanna kiss me,” coos Ali humiliatingly to the camera.

Poor girl!  Popular and feared as Ali may have been, her lasting legacy ended up being nothing more than a poorly shot sex tape, and some awkward attempts at pillow talk.  Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian can relate . . .

The video then rough cuts to later that night.  Now, Creepy Pedo Ian is installing this same camera in Ali’s bedroom, when in walk . . . wait for it . . . Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna.  Now, there’s a party I wouldn’t want to attend.

Police Boy Garrett: “You promised there’d be hot chicks at this party!  WTF man?”

Blind Jenna: *clears throat loudly*

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Unfortunately for Spencer, the self-proclaimed “NAT Club” doesn’t dance.  What it does do, is bicker with one another, and search aimlessly for a bunch of videotapes that Ali has apparently stole from the membership.  As for the club’s fourth member, Facelift Vampire Jason, apparently, he’s passed out drunk somewhere . . . drunk ON HUMAN BLOOD . . .

“MWAH-HAHAHA!”

Apparently, NAT club stands for “Never Accomplish Things,” because the threesome (minus one vampire) never find what they are seeking.  They do find Ali’s Magical Mystery Box of SECRETS, however . . . and seem shocked by it’s contents . . .

“So, THAT’S where she’s been hiding our souls . . .”

Of course, we don’t get to see what’s inside the box, because that’s just not how they roll on this show . . .

Then, Police Boy finds out he’s on Candid Creeper Camera, and gets SUPER PISSED at Pedo Ian, for setting him and his lady love up, like that.  I guess Ian was looking for some leverage . . . or perhaps, some company in the showers at the Rosewood Correctional Facility.  Either way, as we know, things didn’t end well for him . . .

. . .  or for Ali, who, we now know, was murdered that same night . . .

“Spencer can’t come to the phone right now . . .”

So, remember two weeks ago, when, in a horny weak moment, Spencer slid into Abs Toby’s Truck of Loooooove, and gave him a tongue bath?

Well, apparently “A” does too.   Because she got an EXTREME CLOSEUP shot of it on camera.  That made “A” angry.  And you wouldn’t like “A” when she’s angry . . .

“Hey Spence .  . . I know you’re freaked out about ‘A’ possibly murdering your boyfriend, and all.   But do you think you could teach me how to kill like that?  I’m testing out some new moves to use on Maya, the next time we go out bar hopping using her completely unnecessary fake ID . . .”

Wouldn’t you know it, not two seconds after Spencer receives that text threatening her boyfriend’s life, who should pull into her driveway, but the Tobster, himself . . .

“This truck is a real chick magnet.”

Abs Toby calls Spencer from his LOOOOOOVE Truck.  This causes Spencer to make the Spencer Face . . .

She then tosses her phone in Emily’s direction, begging her bestie to protect her from the evil sexual urges that are telling her to rush right into that truck and ravage her honey bunny.  Unfortunately for Spencer, Emily’s always been, by far, the worst liar of all the Pretty Little Liars.  Case in point, her words to Abs Toby: “Spencer can’t come to the phone right now,” she says, in robotic answering machine tones . . .

“What?  Why are you looking at me, like that?  Would you rather I have told him we were busy practicing our kissing moves?”

In what’s starting to sound a bit broken record-esque, Abs Toby, once again, begs Emily to tell him what the F is going on with his wackadoo girlfriend, who’s humping him in the car, one minute, and avoiding him like rotten cheese, in the next . . .

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“Pretty please, can I see her?  I’ve recently showered and everything!”

Of course, Emily has no answers that’s she allowed to give him.  So, eventually Toby dejectedly returns to his criminally-under-used-of-late Loooooove Truck, and drives away, sporting a very bad case of these . . .

Everybody Loves a Beard . . .

“Me?  Gay?  Not with this Fozzie Bear hair . . .”

Back at school, the Pretty Little Liars are all complaining about how hard it is to keep their loved ones at bay, in order to protect them from “A”. (Hey!  That rhymed!)  Well, except for Aria, who’s complaining about how Fitzypoo won’t come close enough to Aria to require her protection.  But when Aria gets a little head nod from the curly-haired dude two lunch tables down, the conversation quickly shifts to something on which PLL fans have been speculating ever since the self-proclaimed “Male Little Liar” Holden came to Rosewood a few weeks back . . .

HANNA: *pouts* “Oh!  Aria is so lucky.  I’ve always wanted a gay best friend.”

EMILY: *clears throat loudly*

The PLL girls immediately suspect Holden of being gay, based simply on the fact that he never hit on Aria.  You know, because, apparently, everything with a weiner should want to to stick it in Aria . . .

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To prove her beard is straight, Aria saunters over to Holden and confirms their fake date, for the evening.  Both little liars are strangely evasive about their REAL plans.  But then Aria catches Holden checking out someone who DEFINITELY doesn’t have a weiner, and begins to wonder whether her friends might be jumping the “gay gun” after all . . .

“Well, hello there, little lady.  Ever wonder what it’s like to date a guy who strongly resembles a muppet?”

Be Afraid, Caleb .  . . Be VERY Afraid . . .

“Sure!  I think hacking into a stolen cell phone in public, while sitting two feet away from a cop is a great idea!”

Have you ever had a dream about somebody, and then, when you saw that person the next day, you found yourself irrationally wondering whether that person could tell you had dreamed about them, just by looking at you?  Well, that must be exactly how Caleb feels, when he watches stolen video footage of Police Boy Garrett beating the crap out of Creepy Pedo Ian in Dead Ali’s bedroom, only to find Police Boy Garrett himself, sitting just inches away . . .

“Ahhh, yes.  The camera loves me.  Hey, did I ever tell you about that time I was in the Lizzie McGuire movie?”

Caleb bolts pretty quickly, as soon as lays eyes on the subject of his stolen video . . . so quickly, in fact, that he leaves his keys on the table at the outdoor cafe where he’s working.  Of course, you can count on Police Boy Garrett to inform Caleb of his forgetfulness, in a way that sounds suspiciously like a threat.  Did he know what Caleb was doing?  Probably  . . . it’s not like the idiot tried to hide it at all.  After all, the NAT club KNOWS everything . . . except, perhaps, for where to find it’s own videos . . .

It’s Halloween All Over Again . . .

  . . . maybe that’s why Hanna is dressed up like Pebbles Flintstone . . .

As tends to be the case on this show, the one person who DOESN’T want to play A’s games anymore, ends up being the one to find the next clue.  This time, that person is Hanna.  The blonde is in the process of lecturing the girls to turn Caleb’s STOLEN video contents over to the police (And how exactly are they planning on explaining THAT?  Not to mention the fact that Police Boy Garrett will obviously get to it first), when she “accidentally, opens the head of that ugly doll in which Ali used to hide her own torturous letters from “A,” back in the day.  (There I go, rhyming again . . .)

DOLL: “So THAT’S why my neck’s been killing me lately!”

Most of the letters the girls find were the same ones we saw Ali receive, during the Halloween Special.  And yet, there is another message — signed by “A” herself — that Ali received on that same night, which we never got to see . . . until now . . .

(Side note:  Since most PLL fans generally assumed that the “A” in the letters the girls have been receiving since Season 1 was supposed to stand for Alison, herself, it’s odd that ALISON also got letters from an “A” before she died.  And yet, those fans who believe the Twin Theory of Ali’s murder will find a lot of support for that theory, in this particular clue . . .)

We move into flashback mode, where we are taken back to that faithful Halloween night.  Ali and the girls arrive on her front porch, after Noel Kahn’s “eventful” Halloween party to find a not-so-pleasant surprise . . .

“Someone trashed your porch,” says Captain Obvious Hanna, despite the fact that she’s BEHIND Ali, so Ali clearly saw it first.

Sure enough, there are smashed pumpkins all over Ali’s porch.  One of those pumpkins still has a knife in it’s head, which is attached to a letter hastily scrawled on the back of one of Noel Kahn’s party invitations . . .

“Hey, can you tell me if I have something in my eye?”

The note, which is a thinly-veiled threat to Ali’s pretty little head, ends up being eerily prophetic, especially considering that Ali ended up having her head bashed in by a long metal object . . .  In classic Ali style, she laughs it off, claiming the display is nothing more than a sick joke left by Facelift Vampire Jason’s beer buddies.  And yet, the letter seems to have spooked her enough to insist on the girls spending the night with her at her house.  She clearly doesn’t want to be alone at a time like this.  And, under the circumstances, who could blame her?

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Back in real-time, Spencer unfolds the undoubtedly disturbing letter, and confirms it’s sender.  “A was after Ali, before she was after us,” remarks Little Miss Super Sleuth . . .

Plot?  I hereby pronounce you thickened . . .

The Hypnotic Eyebrows of EEEEEVVVIIILLL . . .

“You are getting very sleepy.  When I snap my fingers, you will wax those hungry caterpillars off your face . . .”

At school, Mona (who’s devastation over her tragic breakup with Bushy Eyebrows Noel has clearly caused her to rip her poor pink shirt to shreds, in an act of mourning) is still giving Hanna the silent treatment, for disobeying the “Hoes before Bros Code,” and not supporting her, during this traumatic time.  In an attempt at closure, Mona skips up to Noel, to very publicly return the necklace he gave her.  But the Bushy Eyebrows win out in the end.  And Noel ends up merely smirking malevolently, as he carelessly tosses the returned necklace in the trash, thereby further exacerbating Mona’s obvious humiliation . . .

Hey Mona . . . a piece of advice: Get back at Bushy Eyebrows, by dating his friend over there.  I mean, that guy is HAWWWWT.  And I bet HE even owns a pair of tweezers .  . .

Hanna rushes to the ladies room to comfort her crying friend.  “He’s a bad guy,” says Hanna, matter-of-factly.  (Ain’t that the understatement of the century?)

“Here, Mona . . . let me lend you my jacket.  I don’t know if you realize this, but there’s a hole in your shirt that is suspiciously close to the nipple area . . .”

“I’ve never met anyone who could lie like that,” sniffles Mona, as mascara runs down her cheeks, raccoon style.  “It’s his eyes . . . I would look in them, and it was like I was hypnotized.”

She’s right . . . those . . . eyebrows . . . so  . . . hairy . . . can’t  . . . look . . . away . . .

(Side note:  I actually think this reference to Noel’s eyes was meant to be an “A” reference.  Since, many times, “A” has been referred to as having “pretty eyes.”  But since I’m almost positive that “A” is a girl, this so-called “clue” kind of fell flat, for me.)

Hanna promises Mona to take her out to dinner for a Bushy Eyebrows Free evening, to which Mona readily agrees.  Once the two leave, we learn that SOMEONE has been listening in on their conversation.  Golly gee, I wonder who that could be?

Surprise!  It’s Blind Jenna . . . who, I guess, didn’t have her eye surgery last week, after all.   (Either that, or she just really likes wearing sunglasses indoors.)  By the way, does anyone else find that Blind Jenna spends an inordinate time lurking in bathrooms?  Maybe she has irritable bowel  syndrome?  That said, Blind Jenna’s listening in on THIS particular conversation, actually has significance later on in the episode . . .

Meet me at the Big Ole Clock . . .

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I wonder if Fitzy is in Aria’s “in” calling network . . . or any of the other little liars’ networks, for that matter.  Because Aria sure does leave him a lot of unanswered voice mails!  You’ve really got to hand it to Aria, though.   She sure is persistent.  We see her here, instructing Fitzy to meet her at 8 p.m. by a big ole clock, to prove to her that the two of them should continue to secretly bone one another.

Over at Hollis a decidedly dejected looking Fitzy stares at his phone for a few loooong seconds, before returning to his work . . .

Forbidden love?  There’s an app for that . . .

Look!  He’s flying . . . or not . . .

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Last week’s episode ended with “A” loosening some hinges on scaffolding in front of Spencer’s house, where Toby used to work as a construction worker.  This week, we get to find out why she did that (assuming, of course, that we never watched the promos, which explain exactly why).  Spencer finds out at school about Toby’s accident, and is understandably devastated .  . . not to mention, she feels partially to blame . . .

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“Oh no!  I hope he didn’t hurt his beautiful abs!”

Spencer and her Spencer face rush to the hospital to find Toby looking surprisingly clean and unblemished (save for an arm cast, considering the major kersplat he made, when he hit the ground . . .

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“Care for some pity sex, considering I nearly DIED for you?”

Oh, I bet you can’t guess who Abs’ Toby’s has for a physician.  I’ll give you hint, he’s GORGEOUS, TASTY, WITTY, has a SUPER SEXY accent, is clearly my future husband, and very well might be the ONLY doctor in Rosewood . . .  Give up?

It’s WRENNNNNNN!  HOOOOOOORAAYY!

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*sighs elatedly. . . takes deep breath*

OK . . . I’m better now.  So, apparently, Wren has not given up on the prospect of a Wrencer courtship.  (This is news, right?)  In a “mark my territory” move that is nearly as effective as peeing on Spencer’s leg, Wren not-so-subtly admits to Abs Toby that he would have married Spencer’s sister if something *cough Spencer’s lips cough* didn’t get in the way.

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(I love how Spencer’s facial expression here is a complete mixture of, “Please stop, you are getting me into trouble,” and “*sings*You REALLY likkkkke me .. . you think I’m sexxxxxxy . . . you want to DATTEEEEE me.”)

The scorching chemistry between these two is not at all lost on Abs Toby, who inquires pointedly, whether there is something Spencer “wants” to tell him.  Cue the text from “A” . . .

 . . . annnnd . .  . Spencer’s speedy departure.  (Bye Wren . . . for now!  We’ll see you soon!  I miss you already!)

That not-so-fresh feeling . . .

One of the really nice things about Spencer dating Toby, and Jenna dating Police Boy Garrett is that we no longer had to witness the vomit-inducing creepiness, of Blind Jenna repeatedly trying to rape her OWN BROTHER . . .

Well, unfortunately, with both couples currently on the outs, it’s . . .

Honestly, I still don’t quite understand the squirm-inducing dynamic of the Toby/Jenna “relationship.”  Take, for example, the speech she makes to him at the hospital.  It is equal parts threatening (“I told you not to go to her house.”  “We’re family whether you like it or not.”) . . . jealous (“She’s haunted.”  “I’m the only one who belongs here.”) . . . and nauseatingly flirtatious (The whole time Jenna is talking to Toby, she’s amorously massaging his leg . . .)

Oh, and to further confuse matters, did I mention that Blind Jenna might have another boyfriend, already?  Or that’s it’s Bushy Eyebrows NOEL?

(Hey, at least we know Noel’s Hypnotic Face Caterpillars can’t hypnotize HER!)

That’s right, when Hanna and Mona head to the restaurant for a Noel-free night on the town, they spot this surprisingly cozy (and yet AWFUL) couple canoodling in the window.   And yet, considering we already know that Blind Jenna overheard the girls’ plans.  They might just be seeing exactly what that biatch wants them to see . . .

But Blind Jenna is not done wreaking havoc all over this episode.  She also has to go and threaten poor Emily at the hospital, and accuse her of WANTING Toby . . . you know . . . in the biblical sense.  HELLO!  Emily’s GAY!  Read the memo, Blind Jenna.  And here I thought you knew everything . . .

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And who’s fault is that, exactly, Blind Jenna?

Meanwhile, in Halebland . . .

Anyone care for an NAT Club Smoothie?

You know that move “The Ring,” where everyone who watches that video with the weird girl popping out of the well dies in SEVEN DAYS?

CALEB: “You know, everyone’s always telling me I look like the male lead in that movie!”

HANNA:  “Oh, you mean the one who ENDED UP DEAD?”

CALEB: “Well . . . yeah . . . but everyone ended up dead, pretty much, except for the lady and her kid, so . . .”

HANNA: “Not helping, Caleb!”

Well, I’m starting to think that’s the case with this USB drive featuring evidence surrounding Ali’s murder.  Hanna, apparently, thinks so too.  Because the minute she learns that Police Boy Garrett might be stalking her boy toy, Hanna lays waste to the USB drive, killing her blender, right along with it . . .

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“You are out of the phone tech business, as of now!”  Hanna warns her boyfriend, in that stern voice typically only used by mommies, and high school principals.

Yeah . . . I don’t know about that, Hanna.  Old habits die hard . . . and some secrets are just too juicy to leave alone . . .

Speaking of alone . . .

Spoby in Crisis . . . AGAIN.

“Awww . . . he looks so cute in there, all doped up on pain killers.  It makes me want to just rush in their, and peek at his abs, one last time.”

Insistent on believing that Abs Toby will never be safe from “A,” as long as the two of them are dating, Spencer asks Emily to do the unthinkable: Dear John Toby for her.  And she does it in the most painful way possible too . .  . by alluding to Spencer’s very real, but not entirely present tense, involvement with another man . . . THIS GUY . . .

As heart-wrenching as it was, this was actually one of my favorite scenes in the episode, simply because of how well-acted it was.  As Emily, Shay Mitchell displayed just the right amount of discomfort, inner turmoil, guilt, and sympathy, over doing something she may or may not agree is the right course of action.  Yet, she knows her friend’s intentions are pure  . . . and wants to honor her wishes . . .

As for Keegan Allen, he portrays Toby in this scene with just the right mixture of hurt, anger, denial, disbelief, and, finally, a grudging, and bewildered acceptance.  Toby asks Emily who the man is with which Spencer is involved.  But deep down, we suspect he already fears he knows the answer . . .

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Poor Wren.  He has no idea what he’s walking into the next morning, when he comes to sign Toby out of the hospital, and is threatened with a beating.  Then again, maybe he does . . .

Cue the maudlin music, the torrential nighttime downpour, and of course, the barrage of rainy faces . . .

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It must have been all that angst, heartache, and RAINNNN that got to me.  Because, when I learned that Toby gave Spencer back the Truck of Loooooooooove, and skipped town (by bus?), leaving only a tersely-worded letter behind, I actually got a little teary . . .

TV Recappers have feelings too, you know . . .

But, in lighter news . . .

How Yoda the College Student Saved Ezria . . .

“A good deed . . . I did do.  But laid . . . I sadly did not get.”

Off our stalwart Aria heads to Philadelphia with Beard Holden on a Date with Destiny . . .

And while the two liars don’t really have enough time to share each other’s Deep Dark Secrets, at least they get that pesky “gay rumor” out of the way.  . .

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OK . . . so, I guess Holden’s not gay.  (He sure could have fooled me.)  He’s doesn’t live in a library (like Caleb).  And he probably never screwed his sister (like Toby), or became addicted to online gambling (like Lucas).  So, what secrets does that leave, exactly? 😉

Sans-beard, Aria traipses off to the Big Ole Clock . . . where she waits . . .

 . . . and waits . . .

“Dammit . . . all this rain is making me have to pee .  . .”

Meanwhile, Fitzy is still in his office, fighting with Yoda student on why the former gave the latter a “B” on his short story . . .

In case you were wondering, the “B” stands for, “B*tch please!  A man’s going to leave his rehearsal dinner to chase after a total stranger?  That’s horse poopy!”

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As Fitzy talks, he begins to realize that he may have adversely graded Yoda student’s paper, due to his having his period being so utterly bereft without his Aria.  And so, being the good little English teacher we know him to be aside from the whole “dating a student” thing, Fitzy kindly agrees to review Yoda student’s story again, when he isn’t in such a fowl mood.  Of course, Yoda student is elated.  So, elated, in fact, that he decides to offer some parting advice to his favorite troubled teacher . . .

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And so, the student has become the teacher.  Inspired by those brilliant words, Fitzy pops into his car, and battles a rain storm, so that he and Aria can stop traffic, engage in one of their trademark slo-mo makeout sessions, carelessly risk getting caught by Aria’s mother, by practically forking in public, and of course, decide to give their relationship another go . . .

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Somewhere north of the Death Star, Yoda Student is doing a little dance of joy . . .

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Got a Secret Can You Keep It . . . From Hanna?

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In what was, perhaps, the most shocking twist of the episode (for me, anyway), Caleb confronts Spencer and Emily to rat out Hanna for the little Information Disappearing Act She Performed with the Blender . . .  Needless to say, Emily and Spencer are LESS than amused . . .

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But then Caleb shocks them even further, by telling them that (1) he kept a copy of the information; and (2) he wants the rest of the PLL’s to keep all of this a secret from Hanna . . . wait for it . . .  to PROTECT HER . . .

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It’s a romantic statement, one that’s clearly filled with good intentions.   And this is undoubtedly why the girls ultimately decide to let Caleb (at least part way) in on their “A” games, and to keep his involvement a secret from Hanna.  Of course, something tells me that Hanna won’t see it that way . . .

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The episode ends with “A” cutting up and burning black-and-white photographs of each of our four main Pretty Little Couples necking . . . you know, because burning stuff is fun . . .

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This reminds me, remember, back in Season 1, when “A” bought those rats that she named “Aria, Emily, Spencer, and Hanna,” and proceeded to MURDER THEM . . .

Yeah, girlfriend REALLY needs to get herself a hobby, STAT!  And that was “The Blonde Leading the Blind” in a nutshell.  Next week on Pretty Little Liars, Hanna gets REVENGE . . . maybe . . . She might just end up crying and pouting, a lot . . .

See you then, my Pretties . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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You Can’t Win ‘Em All! – A Recap of Glee’s ” A Night of Neglect”

Hey, Mike Chang .  . . wanna become be a LESS neglected Glee club member?  Here’s a hint: WEAR LESS CLOTHING!

Welcome back, Gleeks!  Has this most recent Glee hiatus left you feeling neglected . . . unappreciated . . . used up and tossed out, like a snotty old tissue? 

Well, then, you are in luck!  Because this week’s installment of Glee is all about that oh-so-familiar feeling of being left out, passed over, chewed up, and spit out.  Talk about a  “Feel Good Episode!”

So, ball up those tissues.  Break out the comfort food.  And crank up the volume on that SUPER depressing song on your iPOD.  Because it’s time for “A Night of Neglect.”

Brother, can you spare a dime?

“Goodbye, money!  It was nice knowing you!”

So, remember the Super Bowl Episode, when the Cheerios, upon losing their national competition, also lost their ENTIRE extracurricular activity budget, in favor of the Glee club?  And then remember how, for about 3 episodes or so, the normally cash-strapped Glee kids suddenly had enough money, not only to travel to Regionals, but also to purchase massively expensive rotating sectional sofas to use as props for their in-school performances about the dangers of alcohol abuse?

Blame it on the alcohol . . . and a REALLY dumb plotline.

Ummm . .  . yeah, well, apparently, the idea of the Glee club actually having enough CASH to attend Nationals was “inconvenient,” for purposes of this plot.  Therefore, the writers had to find some way to make the Glee kids poor again, thereby forcing them to hold the “fundraiser” around which this episode revolved.  So, the writers decided to have Sue steal the money, and reroute it into an “off-shore bank account.”  SURPRISE!

“Just call me Sue ‘The Scapegoat’ Sylvester . . . everybody else does!”

And yet, assuming Sue HAS all this money (and can use a portion of it on her “precious Cheerios”) why is she even bothering sabotaging the Glee kids (AGAIN), in the first place? 

Of course, to even try and answer this question, would require attributing something to this show that it clearly DOESN’T have . . . continuity.  So, we will just move on from here, OK?

Anywhoo . . . so not only do the Glee kids need cash, but the McKinley High Smarty Pants, an Academic Decathalon Team, which, surprisingly, is made up ENTIRELY of Gleeks (Aren’t ALL after-school activities, on this show?) needs money too!  This gives Will and his temporary guest star new girlfriend Gwyneth Paltrow Holly Holiday the idea to raise money for BOTH after-school activities by (1) selling saltwater taffy; and (2) putting on a benefit concert with, a theme that is very near and dear to both club’s hearts: LOSERS . .  . er . . . I mean . . . “neglected artists.”

*sings*  “Soy un perdedor!  I’m a neglected artist, baby!  So, why don’t you KILL ME?”

Volunteering to perform at the event is Vocal Adrenaline Star, Sunshine Corazon, who has “600 twitter followers,” but still claims that she knows how it feels to be “neglected,” because she is “so very short” and “a much better singer than everybody else.” 

Despite having been burned before, by a member of Vocal Adrenaline, who also supposedly possessed a burning desire to “help out the Enemy” . . .

. . . the Glee kids ultimately let Sunshine audition for the benefit.  After all, they are Ridiculously Stupid, very much in need of the audience members Sunshine promises to bring with her to the venue.

“SUCKERS!”

In what was BY FAR the most riveting performance of the evening, Sunshine sings Celine Dion’s extremely-over played, but STILL fabulous, “All By Myself.”  During her rendition, Sunshine captures the heart of a Very Special Gleek . . .

“Nice knowing, ya, Zizes!  It’s going to be a bright SUNSHINE-y day, without you!”

“Dump me for the Munchkin, and I will LITERALLY eat you for breakfast, PUCKERMAN!”

Check out Sunshine’s spectacular performance (not to mention Puck’s SUPER mushy response to it) here; and you will see EXACTLY what I mean  . . .

Welcome to the Legion of Doom!

 While the Glee kids are hard at work preparing for their Night of Neglect, Sue Sylvester is just as hard at work, making sure it fails miserably.  Except, this time, Sue is not alone in her Nefarious Plotting of this Week’s Evil Deeds.

(Seriously?  Can Sue BE any more of a cartoon villain?  Next thing you know, she will be petting a bald cat, perfecting her Evil Laugh, and blabbering on about World Domination.)

Helping Sue to destroy Glee club, this week, are former New Directions’ advisor, Sandy Ryerson . . .

Nice CAPE, Asshat!

 . . . Vocal Adrenaline Coach, Dustin Goolsby . . .

News Flash:  You are INDOORS!  Take off the sunglasses, Vampire LeDouchebag!

 . . . and Will’s ex-wife, and FAKE Baby Mama, Terri . . .

She’s baaaaaaaack!

For such an “impressive” group of Super Villains, the Leagion of Dooms’ schemes to foil the Night of Neglect actually end up being disappointingly LAME.  These plans include having Charise and her “600 Twitter Followers” ditch the benefit, at the last minute . . .

“That’s what you get for sending me to ‘audition’ at a Crack House, B*TCHES!”

 . . . trying (and FAILING) to break up Will’s relationship with Holly . . .

“WTF?”

(Of course, she ended up leaving, ANYWAY . . .)

 . . . and hiring a team of “Hecklers” to make fun of Tina’s performance of Lykke Li’s “I Follow Rivers.”

Most Random . . . Team . . . of . . . Hecklers .  . . EVER!

(And yet, they still managed to make Poor Tina CRY . . . THOSE BASTARDS!)

Which reminds me, is anybody else curious as to why Poor Tina’s musical performances always seem to end with her bawling her eyes out?  (“My Funny Valentine,” anyone?)

As for Tina’s real life “Funny Valentine,” he danced at the benefit to Jack Johnson’s “Bubble Toes,” which made me smile . . . both because I love Jack Johnson . . . and because “Bubble Toes” are just adorably SILLY!

This would have been a whole lot more appropriate, if Mr. Bubble Toes danced barefoot . . . and shirtless.

Granted, it was a bit disappointing that no one actually SANG  the Jack Johnson song, as I think that might have been a nice addition to the performance.  (After all, unlike, most of the other artists featured in this episode, Jack Johnson actually IS a neglected artist, one who is often vastly underappreciated for his unique talents . . . at least, in my humble opinion.) 

I’d say Tina could have sang the “little ditty.”  But she was still crying at the time, and, therefore, would have inevitably converted the song from “Bubble Toes” to Blubbering ones  . . .

Speaking of blubbering . . .

Like a Virgin, Touched (with a Glove) for the Very FIRST Time!

No Glove . . . No LOVE, BABY!

After having experienced so much progress in recent months, it was disheartening to see Poor Emma having fallen completely off the OCD-wagon again, this week.  Recognizing that OCD sufferers tend to see their symptoms worsen in times of extreme stress (AWWW!  He’s been doing RESEARCH on her condition!  He SO Luuuuuves HER!), Will gently asks Emma what happened. 

“Carl’s gone.  He asked for an annulment, which, I guess, he’s entitled to, since we never actually consummated our marriage,” Emma explains dejectedly.

(Oh, the judge must have LAUGHED HIS ASS OFF, when he heard that one!)

“Have MER-CY!”

“How old do you have to be, to look back on your life, with nothing but regret?  Is 32-too young?”  Emma asks sadly.

Knowing an “opening” (See what I did there?), when he sees one, Will sweetly vows to help Emma through this “rough patch” in her life.  To “seal the deal,” he even goes as far as to put on a condom a pair of sterilized gloves . . .  Yep, he’s a slick one, that Schuester! 

Holly takes another Holiday (and this one may be permanent) 

Watching the aforementioned exchange from a nearby window, Holly Holiday already knows she’s been replaced.  But, to her credit, rather than stomping off in a Rachel Berry-like fury, the “adult” Holly sticks around to teach the kids an “important lesson” on the dangers of online (and in-person) heckling. 

(Awww, that was great, Holly!  Without your preachy and super annoying inspired speech I would have NEVER known that it was mean and hurtful to . . . be MEAN and HURTFUL to people.  Thank you, for showing me the light!)

Other examples of the not-at-all obvious teachings of Holly Holiday . . .

Holly also performs Adele’s Turning Tables” at the Night of Neglect Benefit . . .

Riiiiiiight . . . because the young chart-topping female / international music sensation is PRECISELY who I think of, when I hear the words “neglected artist.”

At the end of the episode, Holly sadly admits the following:  (1) She has taken a substitute teacher position in Cleveland, and is therefore, leaving town and the showASAP;

(2) she knows Will and Emma are in love with one another, which makes it kind of inconvenient for her to continue being Will’s F*&k Buddy girlfriend; and

(3) she promises to return the next time she has a film project to promote sometime soon.

“You go and POP that Cherry WILL!  Pop it ONCE AND FOR ALL!  Do it for ME!  Do it for America!”

Speaking of people who are about to DO IT . . .

I’m always chasing Klaine-bows (and so is Karofsky, apparently)

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My favorite non-musical moment from the episode, BY FAR, was Kurt’s and Blaine’s visit to McKinley High to support their friends’ benefit.  Upon hearing Kurt reminisce about the school, Blaine realizes immediately that Kurt misses public school, and all the friends he’s made there.  Unfortunately, this sappy sweet moment is interrupted by the magical “surprise” appearance of Karofsky, who was pining over Kurt, dancing to “Bubble Toes”, rocking out to Adele “lifting weights,” when he overheard the new out-and-PROUD couple strolling the halls of McKinley.

In a swoon-worthy move, Blaine, who knows full well about Karofsky’s homophobic self-hatred, and how it ultimately resulted in Kurt having to switch schools, stands up to the much larger Football Player . . . even going as far as to give him a REALLY HARD PUSH!

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But, then, just when it seems as though a fight is about to break out in the halls of McKinley High, Santana, of all people, steps in to SAVE THE DAY!

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Recalling a time, in the not-so-distant past, when Karofsky had the GALL to SLUSHEE SANTANA, of all people . . .

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OH NO HE DIDN”T!

 . . . Santana positions herself squarely in front of Karofsky, and begins to tell him, once and for all, how things are going to be, from now on. 

 “See, here’s whats gonna go down. Two choices, you stay here, and I crack one of your nuts, right or left, that’s your choice. Or you walk away, and live to be a douchebag, another day. And, also, I have razorblades in my hair. Mmm-hmmm.  Tons, all up in there,” monologues Santana, in a moment that is positively FILLED with Awesome!

“If I wasn’t gay and secretly in love with Kurt, I’d be SO attracted to you, right now!”

What’s better, after hearing Santana’s not necessarily idle threats, Karofsky ACTUALLY walks away! 

 

(Little do these two individuals know just how much in common they actually have with one another!)

Symbolism and foreshadowing aside, it was really nice to see Santana come to Kurt’s aid, the way she did this week.  It shows fans just how far her character has come from the one-note villainess she once was, back in early Season 1 . . .

Speaking of characters who have come far . . .

Rachel teaches Mercedes the TRUE meaning of DIVA . . .

Of all the members of New Directions, perhaps, no character has been more outspoken about feeling neglected than Mercedes.  And yet, as Lauren Zizes perceptively points out, though she may gripe and complain EXTREMELY OFTEN, Mercedes will ALWAYS inevitably cede the spotlight to Rachel.  So, Lauren comes up with this ridiculous plan for Mercedes to ask for all these STUPID DIVA REQUESTS (A puppy to wipe her face on?  Being carried out on stage in a Lady Gaga-inspired egg?), so that her Glee club mates know that she’s important.

Oddly enough, for a little while, anyway, this dumb ass plan seems to work, with Rachel Finn and Quinn rushing around like crazy to fulfill all of Mercedes whimsical desires . . .

But when Mercedes refuses to perform at the Benefit, it is Rachel who follows her into the parking lot in the rain and stabs her to death sets her straight . . .

“Diva demands don’t make you famous,” explains Rachel (and she would KNOW!).  “Having talent does!”

“So, why are you a bigger star than ME!”  Mercedes whines.

“Because the writers always give ME all the big solos and romantic storylines.  “Because I care more about being famous, than about being liked.  Everyone LIKES you,” Rachel explains, “Except for NOW, because NOW you are being a TOTAL ASSHOLE!” 

Ultimately, Rachel concedes the closing number at the benefit to Mercedes, who sings her idol Aretha Franklin’s “Ain’t No Way,” to an adoring crowd.  (OK, so have we just TOTALLY dispatched with the theme of “neglected artists” now?  First ADELE, and now, ARETHA?  Who’s next, U2?  The Beatles?)

Of all people, Glee club nemesis, Sandy Ryerson, is SO touched by Mercedes performance, that he conveniently decides to defect from the Legion of Doom, and give all the money from his illegal drug sales to the Glee club and the Academic Decathaletes!

The random guest star has been REDEEMED!  HOORAY!  (It’s just too bad no one can redeem that outfit he’s wearing.  Because that thing is HIDEOUS!)

Now, with Dustin and Sandy having totally FAILED at breaking up the Glee club, it’s up to Sue and Terri to finish what they started.    *Sigh*  Here we go again . . .

Oh, and did I mention that the “McKinley Smarty Pants,” led by Brittany (and her bizarrely Rainman-esque knowledge of cat diseases) went on to win the Academic Decathalon, thanks to the MOST RANDOM GAMESHOW CATEGORY EVER? 

Oh, Holly Holiday . . . you and your WEIRD costumes . . . and your bizarre weekly historical tidbits . . . about women with Man-Hands who Loved Hitler!  Now that you are really gone, I may actually end up missing you, after all!

[www.juliekushner.com]

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How Klaus Became the NEW Voldemort!- A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Know Thy Enemy”

Damon:  “So, you’re KLAUS, now?  WTF Alaric!  I thought we were supposed to bros?  Do the words ‘Team Badass’ mean NOTHING to you?”

Alaric:  “Ummmm .  . . yeah . . . sorry about that.  But, hey!  At least I won’t be forcing you to hang out with my Boring Ass Girlfriend, anymore!”

Damon:  “True . . .”

OK, so remember THIS GUY?

“Dammit Harry Potter!  If I was on The Vampire Diaries, they would  have made me HOT . . . or, at least, given me a nose.”

Well, then you know how, in the first few Harry Potter books and films, “Big Bad” Voldemort never actually MADE an appearance.  He just hypnotized all these random folks to do his bidding, while he skulked around town, in search of a new face.  (Honestly, can you BLAME him?  I mean LOOK at the guy?)   

That’s kind of what Klaus has become on The Vampire Diaries.  Everybody talks about him.  Some folks even work for him.  But nobody seems to actually know what he looks like unless they read the spoilers.

In related news, Alaric Saltzman has officially become AWESOME once again . . .

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“AlarKlaus?”

He is also randomly sporting a bizarre new voice and accent, that makes him kind of sound like Yoda . . .

“Words . . . I speak.  Understand them . . . you will not.”

Oh, and in case I didn’t mention it before, THE LONG HIATUS IS OVER!  THE VAMPIRE DIARIES ARE BACK, FOR GOOD!

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Let’s get on with that recap, shall we?

Breaking News:   Useless Aunt Jenna comes face-to-face with an Evil Vampire . . . and actually DOESN’T invite her inside the house!

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There’s a first time for everything!

The episode begins literally right where we left, off a few months back, with Isobel (who’s such a RIDICULOUSLY awful mother, she makes that corpse in the basement at the end of Psycho look positively maternal, by comparison) arriving on Elena’s doorstep.  This makes things incredibly awkward for Useless Aunt Jenna, who, in the past few seconds, has just learned the following:  (1) her boyfriend’s wife is not quite as DEAD as he made her out to be; (2) that undead b*tch gave birth to Elena; and (3) everybody in Mystic Falls, except for Jenna, herself, already seemed to know this.  Needless to say, Jenna has had better days . . .

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“Wow, my character hasn’t done this much emoting on screen since . . . well . . . ever!”

Being the “rational and mature” guardian that Useless Aunt Jenna is, she responds to this Unwelcome Home Invasion by . . . throwing a temper tantrum, and disappearing for the rest of the episode.  (You’ve really gotta love all the stellar examples of parenting on this show.  It’s no wonder, everybody runs around, throwing eachother into walls, and biting one another!  It’s like Lord of the Flies on this show!)

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“SNIFF . . . now, I’m never going to get to see Alaric’s Chunky Monkey AGAIN!”

Speaking of Alaric, he stopped by the Gilbert House to (1) apologize to Useless Aunt Jenna for being a Terrible Boyfriend . . . and (2)  to do something us TVD Fans have been wanting to do, ourselves, since Season 1 . . . PUNCH Uncle / Father John in the FACE!

An image that has resulted in the destruction of many television screens . . . due to objects being thrown at them . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome . . .

Kat Plays for Both Teams (in more ways than one)

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Katherine tells the Salvatore Brothers that, despite having played for Team Smug Asshole (a.k.a. Isobel and Uncle / Father John) for the past few episodes, she is now “TOTALLY” batting for our Salvatore Scooby Gang.  The CunningVamp promises to do whatever it takes to help those Sexy Salvatores save Elena, so long as that means offing Santa Klaus.  Of course, no matter how many times Katherine dances around the living room, like a girl who really has to peepreparing for a strip tease,  neither vampire brother particularly seems to trust her.

As it turns out, the brothers’ suspicions are well-founded!  Just a few scenes later, we find Kat encountering Isobel at the “Safe House” the latter supposedly purchased for Elena.   (“It’s the nicest foreclosure on the block,” Isobel notes proudly, in TVD’s first ever, Timely Recession Reference.)

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At first, Kat attacks Isobel, by . . .  throwing her up against the wall.  SURPRISE!  (I’m beginning to think this is some form of Bizarre Vampire Greeting, considering how often it’s done on the show.)  Soon after, the pair are being all flirty and seductive with eachother.  There’s definitely this odd sapphic chemistry between them.  In fact, watching Katherine and Isobel interact, I can’t help but wonder if these two have ever “known one another in the biblical sense,” if you catch my drift . . .

“Yeah, thanks for giving me Crabs, last time you were here!  That was fun!”

The other odd thing I noticed about Isobel, is that, ever since she’s returned to Mystic Falls, she has lost all emotional affect in her voice.  Every line she utters is delivered in this painfully dull monotone kind of like James Franco hosting the Oscars.  Of course, in hindsight, this noticeable change in Isobel’s personality (assuming she has one!) actually makes a lot of sense to her character’s particular plotline.  But initially, I must admit, I attributed it to bad acting.  (Sorry Mia Kirshner!)

“Don’t worry, I ain’t mad at ya!  (I’ll just eat you in your sleep.)”

While Isobel and Katherine chat, we learn that Katherine, at Isobel’s urging, is actually planning to cut some kind of deal with Klaus, in which her own life will be spared, in return for her turning over to him the Moonstone  . . . and Elena.

(We also learn that Isobel has a nickname for Useless Aunt Jenna . . .  “Auntie Vanilla “. . . I like it . . . but I still think “Useless Aunt Jenna” is better.  Just sayin’!)

Later, while Damon and Stefan are out playing Save Elena Games, Katherine begins ransacking La Casa de Rich and Awesome, in search of the Mysterious Moonstone.  Of course, she’s not averse to helping herself to a few of the boys’ OTHER possessions, while she’s looking . . .

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After searching nearly the entire house, Kat heads to the bathroom to wash her hands.  It is there that she locates the Moonstone, which has been hidden by Damon (who always said the darn thing looked like “soap, “anyway) in the Biggest Soap Dish Ever!

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Now, I know a lot of TVD viewers out there were understandably annoyed at the USUALLY brilliant Damon, for picking such a seemingly lame hiding place for such an important object.  Many of you might have even wondered why Damon, an admittedly “manly man” keeps so many Fancy Girly Hand Soaps in his bathroom, in the first place!  The answer to the second inquiry is quite simple, actually:  Damon REALLY likes getting clean . . .

As for why Damon chose the Soap Dish as the Moonstone’s Hiding Place, I’d have to say, the writers “compelled” him to do it, as a gift to US!   Because, think about it, had Damon NOT hidden the Moonstone in the soap dish, we would not have been treated to THIS . . .

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“GRRRRR . . . Wearing clothing makes me SO MAD!” 

Or this . . .

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“GRRR . . . Girly Soaps make me SO MAD!”

I rest my case.  Speaking of the Sexiest Salvatore. . .

Damon meets the ONLY women on the PLANET who don’t want him in their house!  (Of course, they are DEAD . . . and have no taste.)

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Just so you know, Damon . . . MY DOOR is ALWAYS OPEN!

Damon spends a large chunk of the episode hanging out with Witchy Bonnie and Mini Gilbert.  NOOOOOOO!  Hang out with ELENA, DAMON!  YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HANGING OUT WITH ELENA!

A witch, a vampire, and a Gilbert walk into a house . . . I think I once heard a really bad joke that started like this . . .

You see, through his many years of trying to rescue Katherine from the tomb she wasn’t in . . . , Damon learned the location of the house where all the Mystic Falls witches were burned alive, back in 1864.  If Bonnie can harness the power of these witches, she can kill Klaus.  So, Bonnie, Jeremy and Damon, pick up a spell book from a probably VERY RANK- smelling Jonas’ house . . .

(BTW, I love how DEAD LUKA has been rotting away on the floor of that apartment for MONTHS, and nobody seems to care!)

 . . . and head to the all-powerful Witch Burning Site.

“Hi, honeys . . . we’re HOME!”

As it turns out, three is DEFINITELY a crowd, at the Dead Witch Bed and Breakfast.  And soon after Damon enters the house, strange things start happening to him. (Unfortunately, none of those “strange things” involve his clothing magically disappearing from his body.)

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First, Damon finds himself glued to the floor.  Then, his Sunscreen Ring suddenly stops working, and he gets the WORST SUNBURN EVER!  Wisely, Damon decides to leave the house before things get “too intense.”

Alone in Witchland, Bonnie and Jeremy start preparing to perform the “I see dead people . . . and take all their powers” spell.   While Bonnie mumbles and chants gibberish, the witches start whispering something in her ear. 

“Pssst, you’re boyfriend is REALLY HOT.  Think he’d mind if we all had Hot Invisible Poltergeist Sex with him?”

Of course, Nosy Jeremy wants to know what the witches are saying, but Bonnie won’t tell him (which means she probably agreed to the Hot Poltergeist Sex Thing).  Suddenly, Bonnie is screaming in pain.  And Jeremy gets ghost f*&ked thrown into a wall for the 85,000th time this season . . .

“I’m starting to think that the universe is trying to tell me something . . .”

Then, it’s all over.  And Bonnie and Jeremy celebrate, by making out again . . .

Outside, the house, Bonnie shows off her  newfound witchy powers, by making Mystic Falls have Really Bad Weather for 15 seconds . . .

I would have made myself a Super Model / Lottery Winner, instead . . . but that’s just me.

After doing some research, Jeremy learns that using all those witchy powers necessary to kill Klaus, will result in Bonnie’s death as well . . .

“ANOTHER Dead Girlfriend?  Are you friggin kidding me, with this?  That’s IT!  Next season, I’m totally turning gay!”

Speaking of soon-to-be-dead folks . . .

Isobel’s Big Plan

While in town, Isobel confronts Alaric, tells him how much she used to love him  . . . and has her Massively Large Warlock Body Guard, Jedi Mind Trick him into unconsciousness.  (Did you ever notice how EVERY vampire has their own witch on this show?  The Salvatores have Bonnie.  Elijah had Jonas.  Klaus has this nameless Sumo Warlock.  Is there some sort of a Witches R’ Us store in Mystic Falls that I don’t know about?) 

Isobel then heads to the Lockwood Mansion, where Elena is accepting some random award on behalf of her OTHER Dead Mom.  Once there, Izzie seemingly kills Uncle / Father John, by biting him in the neck and tossing him down a flight of steps.  (Geez, punched in the face, bitten, AND thrown down steps.  It’s not really this guy’s episode, is it?)

“At least I got to keep my balls all my fingers, this time!”

While, the crowd is tending to Uncle / Father John . . .

Katherine is “tending to” Elena . . .

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Moments later, Stefan finds “Elena,” and takes her out of the mansion.  The problem is, The REAL Elena is gone!

When Stefan finally figures out what has happened, Katherine, looking remarkably like Elena, stabs Stefan with a syringe (filled with what exactly?  It was never explained . . ) and tosses him into her “bush.”  Sexual symbolism abounds . . .

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And in this moment, Delena fans across the world, simultaneously updated their Tumblrs and Facebook pages, with the best thing that has happened to their SHIP (at least symbolically), since Damon told Elena he loved her in “Rose.” 

Then Damon magically appears!

After assuring the masses at La Casa de Lockwood that Uncle / Father John is unfortunately not dead yet, Damon proceeds to entertain them, by performing  a Ventroliquist and Dummy Act with Elena’s Bio Dad’s limp body . . .

“Now, watch me make him dance!”

Back at The Nicest Foreclosure in Town, Katherine gets  . . . kidnapped by . . . Sumo Warlock?

Meanwhile, Isobel drives an unconscious Elena to a grave site, that I had assumed would be for Elena’s adopted parents, but was actually Isobel’s own . . .

Isobel explains to Elena how no one is actually buried there (DUH!).  However, a part of Isobel really did die, when she became a vampire.  Isobel wistfully wishes that Elena got to meet the nice (probably dull) Isobel, who studied supernatural things, regularly boned Alaric, not to mention Uncle / Father John (Maybe she wasn’t so dull, after all!), and genuinely loved her bastard child daughter.  Then, Isobel gets a call from Sumo Warlock.  He tells Isobel, that her “job” is done, and Elena is free to go! 

Wait . . . huh?

Apparently, Klaus compelled Isobel to do ALL the evil crap she did during this episode!

OK . . . so let me get this straight . . . Klaus compelled Isobel to (1) get Katherine to find the Moonstone; (2) have Alaric kidnapped; (3) push John down the steps; (4) kidnap Elena; AND (5) betray Katherine, so that SHE could get kidnapped, while carrying the Moonstone. 

(Does being compelled give you, like, Super Human Memory or something?  Because that seems like a WHOLE LOT to remember to do  . . .   even for a non-Hypnotized Zombie Type . . .)

But at least now we know why Isobel seems to have lost her ability to emote, since last season!  She’s been a Klaus’ Toy Robot this entire episode!

Speaking of rotting and decayed flesh, Isobel tells Elena that she’s “sorry she was such a disappointment to [her].” The vampiress then rips off her Sunscreen Necklace (I thought they only came in rings!) and “tragically” meets the sun, a la Godric in True Blood.  The difference, of course, is that Godric made killing yourself, look pretty darn awesome, while Isobel, quite honestly, looked a bit rough, during her Dramatic Death Scene . . .)

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“I’m FLYING!”

Oh, HONEY!  You really need to moisturize!

“Isobel Fleming . . . consider yourself OWNED!”

Sayonara, Mama Isobel!  It’s been . . . REAL . . . interesting. 

(For those of you keeping score, Elena has now experienced, FIRSTHAND, the death of THREE PARENTS!  How many YEARS of therapy, do you think it’s going to take to erase THAT?)

Meanwhile, in Not-So-Clueless-Anymore Matt News . . .

And you thought TYLER did Caroline dirty! (a.k.a The Forwood is MUCH BETTER than Caratt Plotline)

“I have three things to tell you, Mama Forbes.  (1) I think your daughter is an Evil Bloodsucking Vampire; (2) she probably killed my Slutty Sister; (3) I’m SUPER hot for Cougars in Uniform . . .”

So, throughout most of the episode, Poor Caroline is trying to get in touch with Matt, who has been avoiding her, ever since she SAVED HIS LIFE at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (Way to be grateful, DOUCHE!)  When Caroline, inappropriately, asks Tyler’s mom, where Matt might be, the latter reminds Caroline that HER SON, TYLER is also missing, and that Forwood belong together, so Caroline should really get her priorities straight! 

(Oh, by the way, how weird is it that Snooty Mama Lockwood is officially, by default, the BEST MOM ON THIS SHOW?)

Outside, the Lockwood Mansion, Matt accosts Caroline’s mom, with crazy talk of vampires and supernatural beings having something to do with the death of his sister.  Later, Matt arrives at Caroline’s house, with some BIG FAT LIE story about Mama Forbes bringing him there to “cool down.” after his “outburst.”  Matt’s Big Monologue about how alone he feels, being the only Clueless Human in a clearly Supernatural World . . .

 . . .  is remarkably reminiscent of Tyler’s admission to Caroline (which also took place at her house) about how alone he felt, having to cope with the Werewolf Curse, all by himself . . .

Except . . . you know . . . Tyler’s speeched rocked, and Matt’s . . . well . . . didn’t.

Anywhoo . . . Matt claims that he wants to know everything about Vicki’s death, and what’s going on in Mystic Falls.   So, Caroline gives him these . . .

Just kidding!  But Caroline REALLY does seem to have told Matt everything that’s been happening on the show, at least, everything that has happened since she became totally awesome a vampire.  (I wonder how long THAT took!) 

Then, Cry Baby Matt tells Caroline that he’d rather not know all this Scary Stuff. WUSS! So, he asks Caroline to compel him to forget everything he just BEGGED her to tell him, moments earlier.  (Way to WASTE CAROLINE’S TIME, MATT DONVA$$HOLE!)  Reluctantly, Caroline obliges . . .

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“Don’t worry, Matt. Vampires and werewolves don’t really exist . . . And Santa Claus is real . . . and so is the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny.  Also, there is no war, or poverty, or hunger.  The world is a Perfect Place.”

The Big Twist comes just seconds later, when Matt hops into  . . . Mama Forbes car and starts boning her reveals everything.  “I did what you said.  I drank that vervain stuff, got [Caroline] to tell me everything, and then told her to make me forget it.  I think she DIED,” Matt whines to Caroline’s mom.  Caroline’s mom tearfully agrees . . .

Well YEAH, GENIUSES!  She DID die!  That’s what makes her a VAMMMM-PIRRRRRRE!

Honestly, I don’t know who made me madder in this scene:  (1) Matt, for manipulating Caroline, and then (AFTER hearing her obviously HEARTFELT, and extremely guilt-ridden, confession about what’s been going on in Mystic Falls) STILL not believing her to be the same sweet girl he supposedly fell in love with not too long ago . . . just because she happens to drink a little blood, every once in a while . . .

“That’s SO racist!”

 . . . or (2) Caroline’s OWN mother, for so easily thinking the worst of her daughter, just on the say-so of Some Dumb Kid She Used to Date.

You know, what?  Why choose?  Here’s what I have to say to BOTH of them!

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Come back soon, Tyler!  Your girl, Caroline, NEEDS YOU!

In MUCH Nicer Boy News . . .

Team Salvatore FOR THE WIN (for now . . .)!

How’s this for a rockin’ present?  Upon realizing that EVERY BAD GUY IN THE WORLD has access to the Gilbert home  (Thanks, AUNT JENNA!), and that Elena needs a place where she can be safe, Damon and Stefan decide to DEED LA CASA DE RICH AND AWESOME OVER TO HER . .  . OMG!  They gave her an ENTIRE MANSION!  Holy CRAP!

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Later, the two brothers bond over booze, and the knowledge that, because THEY are the only ones who know that Bonnie has her witchy powers back, she is  literally their Secret Weapon to Kill Klaus . . .

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Speaking of Klaus, Katherine wakes up on the floor of Sumo Warlock’s hideaway to hear him performing weird creepy chants over an unconscious Alaric’s head.  Then, “Alaric” wakes up . . . and he’s got this disturbingly evil look in his eyes, which makes me think Sumo Dude programmed him to be some Mindless Killing Machine.  But Nu-Alaric is something WAY COOLER THAN THAT! 

“Lovely Katarina.  I’ve missed you,” he warbles in that weird new accent of his. 

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“Klaus?”  A dumbfounded, and clearly terrified, Katherine replies.  (And . . . that’s when I peed my pants . . .)

Next week’s episode promises a WHOLE LOT MORE AlarKlaus, not to mention some funky costumes, and a TON of DELENA DANCING!

You can check out the kick ass extended promo for “The Last Dance” here:

Is it Thursday yet? 8)

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Vampire Diaries Has Found its Klaus – But Who the Heck is Joseph Morgan?

“You better watch out.  You better not cry.  You better not pout.  I’m telling you why.  Santa KLAUS is coming to TOWN!”

As most of you you undoubtedly already know, The Vampire Diaries is currently on yet another hiatus. 

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In fact, the next new episode of this fang-tastic show is not set to air until April 7th!

Now, that doesn’t mean that the TVD fandom has gone silent!  NO WAY!  Us fangbangers still have PLENTY to talk about!  For starters, just this week, the CW released its Extended Trailer for the show’s upcoming episode, entitled, “Know thy Enemy.”  And it’s, for lack of a better word, a real SCREAM!

But if that trailer didn’t get your tongue wagging, this next piece of intel definitely will (assuming it hasn’t already).  After an entire season of speculation and rumors, producers of The Vampire Diaries have finally revealed the name of the actor selected to play the vampire, who will undoubtedly be the most terrifying villain Mystic Falls has ever seen.  After all, he’s the only vamp with the power to make Vampire Katherine cry . . .

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Of course, I am referring to Santa Klaus.   And he will be played by  . . . (drumroll please) . . . THIS GUY!

It’s Joseph Morgan!

“Yay!  Joseph Morgan!  That’s so . .  . wait . . . I don’t know who that is.”

One could argue that the role of Klaus will be the MOST important one TVD producers cast this year.  After all, much of the second half of this season has coped with the ominous Sun and Moon Curse, and, specifically, its implications for Elena Gilbert.  Because she has the dubious honor of being the Petrova Doppelganger, Elena needs to DIE, in order for this curse to be successfully broken.

“Oh HELL NO!”

As the OLDEST Original Vampire, one who is notoriously DEAD set on capturing Elena and breaking the Curse, Klaus has undoubtedly become Public Enemy Number One for the Salvatore Brothers and the Scooby Gang, as they fight to save Elena from an untimely death.  So, while the character has yet to make an appearance, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  

Some notable tidbits we’ve learned thus far about Klaus include: (1) He used to bone Katherine, on a fairly regular basis . . .

Who hasn’t?

(2) But, then, Klaus killed Katherine’s ENTIRE family.  This ultimately forced the vixen to become a vampire herself, so that SHE wouldn’t fall victim to the same Sacrifice, for which Elena is currently being hunted.

(3) Klaus’ fellow Original vampires think he’s a wackadoo, and will stop at nothing to make sure he meets his True Death . . .

(4) Klaus has kidnapped(?) the witchy daughter of the now very-dead Jonas.  And he is using her powers for his own personal gain.

(5) As an Original, Klaus can compel other vampires, walk in the sun without a sunscreen ring, and break walls of glass, just by playing with coins . . .

Because you never know when THAT little magic trick will come in handy . . .

(5) But Klaus is not invincible.  He can be killed by a special dagger dipped in white oak ash. 

(Just make sure you don’t “pull it out.”)

(6) Ironically, the act of breaking the Sun and Moon Curse, which Klaus is so determined to accomplish, will also leave him temporarily vulnerable for such a staking.

“Dream on, Diaper Boy!  Curse or no curse, I can’t be tamed!”

On one hand, TVD producers’ decision to cast a more-or-less unknown British actor to play such a major role in their series, is a prudent one.  After all, this will force fans of the show to view Joseph Morgan’s performance with an open mind.  Fangbangers can now evalulate the character, without being distracted by the preconceived notions and strong opinions that come attached to the “bigger named” stars, who might have been more obvious choices for the role . . .

On the other hand, The Vampire Diaries is a show known for its extremely talented and unfathomably attractive cast . . . particularly, in the MALE Department .  . .

So, if the TVD writers expect us fans to believe that this Klaus Dude is a formidable opponent to Man-Gods, the likes of Damon, Stefan, and Elijah . . . someone who could bring the Cooly Unflappable Vampire Vixen Katherine to her knees . . . in more ways than one?  Well, he better something REALLLLY special!  Because, if not, the Fandom will NEVER embrace him . . .

And the actor will be forced to endure a venomous wrath, the likes of which he has never before experienced . . .

Which brings me to Joseph Morgan . . .  Who the heck is he?  Fortunately, in this modern age of Google and YouTube, with a bit of digging, we can find out . . .

First off, Joseph Morgan is ENGLISH! 

 (Though, who knows if we are actually ever going to hear his accent on the show.) 

 He was born in 1980.  And yet, I can’t seem to find his actual BIRTHDATE online.  This means I can’t do a blog birthday celebration for him, which really dusts my doilies. 

(I mean seriously, Joseph, as an actor, you’re supposed to lie about your AGE and birth year, not your birthdate!  An actor’s birthday is something to be cherished, not hidden from the world!  Just sayin’!)

Anyway . . . fans of the UK television series Hex probably remember Joseph as Troy — the kinder, gentler, non-supernaturally inclined love interest to the show’s Season 1 lead character, Cassie . . .

Like The Vampire Diaries, Hex was an urban fantasy / paranormal romance tale, which took place in a school setting.    Like Elena, the main character, Cassie, through no fault of her own, was constantly being thrown into danger by supernatural forces over which she had minimal control.   Also like Elena, everybody in the cast (Troy included), for better or worse, seemed to be madly in love with Cassie.

So, Joseph Morgan is definitely no stranger to starring in television shows, that exist on an alternate plain of reality — one where things go bump in the night, and magic is a weekly occurrence.  But whether the actor can evolve from playing the Jock Next Door to the Big Bad Vampire Villain remains to be seen . . .

One thing is for sure, though.  He definitely has the BODY for it . . .

In addition to Hex, Morgan also starred in a series of historically – based movies and mini series.  During these films, he was able to exhibit physical prowess and athleticism.  Both of these traits will absolutely come in handy, during the inevitable stunt play and fight scenes in which the character will likely engage, in upcoming episodes.  These movies included the Russell Crowe film, Master and Commander, Alexander, and, most recently, the mini series Ben-Hur, in which he played the title role . . .

You can check out the trailer for Ben-Hur, and see Joseph Morgan in “action,” here:

But, physicality, sexuality, and looking good naked are just the tip of the iceberg.  As the oldest and most powerful vampire in the world, Klaus must possess the dignity and wisdom that would inevitably develop in an individual, after so many years spent roaming the Earth, and dominating its people.  In his role as William Price in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, Joseph Morgan was granted the opportunity to exhibit that part of himself . . .

Off screen, many of The Vampire Diaries‘ cast members spend much of their spare time working hard to support the charitable causes about which they are deeply passionate.  Most notably, Ian Somerhalder has recently launched the Ian Somerhalder Foundation, which, according to its Mission Statement, “aims to empower, educate and collaborate with people and projects to positively impact the planet and its creatures.”

Like Ian, Joseph Morgan is also deeply involved in world issues and charitable causes.  He is the leading supporter of Positive Women, an international charity that works to improve the lives women and children affected by the HIV/Aids virus.  You can hear Joseph discuss his charity, and its vision for underpriviledged women, here:

(I almost wish I didn’t know about all this.  Because it’s going to be REALLY hard to dislike him now . . .)

No word yet, on which episode will mark Joseph Morgan’s debut as Klaus.  However, if we’ve learned anything from this past season of TVD, we can assume that Klaus won’t leave Mystic Falls, without wreaking some major havoc on its residents in general, and our Scooby Gang, specifically.  And do THAT I say, BRING IT ON!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Spoilers and Sneak Peaks, The Vampire Diaries