Pop Quiz Fangbanger: How many humans are in this picture? (Hint: It’s a trick question.)
USELESS AUNT JENNA: “OK, that was NOT COOL! The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!
Personally, I think humanity is overrated. I mean, think about it . . . You get married. You pop out a few pups. You grow old and wrinkly. You die. What’s the fun in THAT?
Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me. Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .
Be afraid, Normal Boy! Be VERY AFRAID!
But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show! The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”). And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week: by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen. Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either . . .
Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers! And prepare to have your minds blown. Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .
Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY! Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)
I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something? Because I was . . . distracted.
The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome. Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed . . . NAKED . . . and GULPING. Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?). Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked! Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .
Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week. If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .
And we all know how THAT turned out! So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US; Extremely Bad for HIM!
Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too. Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .
Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse. Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.
ELIJAH: “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’
STEFAN and ELENA: “Yes, please!”
So, then Damon magically appears. And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW! “Because Bonnie would DIE!” Elena replies.
“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.
You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers. That’s why they both keep DIARIES!
Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal. But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame. Come ON! A Fake Death Elixir? What is this Romeo and Juliet? Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie? Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?
ELIJAH: “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”
To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger . . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe. So, it’s not a sure thing. Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus. In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .
Are you sure about that, buddy? Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN . . .
Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well. “The ring only works on humans. The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”
A-HA! So, Elena is NOT entirely human!
She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood. That’s why all the boys want to bone her. The plot thickens . . .
Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .
While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!
STEFAN: “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either. But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”
DAMON: “Well, in that case . . .”
This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW! (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute. That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)
Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .
So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante! Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.
Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message. “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.
With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus. (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!) Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*
Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”
There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals! What’s the deal, TVD writers? Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios? Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?
I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first. And then we can talk about it . . .
What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.” In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice.
On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him. In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world. “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.
Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak. The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground.
Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them. In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her.
Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him. Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust. Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him.
But she hasn’t. And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be. And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .
When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah. But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind. He corners Elena at the door. And THIS happens . . .
“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood. Open WIDE . . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”
Then Stefan comes in. And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan. And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!
“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is. (More on THAT later.) But DAMON does.
Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity. This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.
Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?
In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery. Believe me, you’ll get over it.”
But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways. And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her
extremely dumb way.
“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?). “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”
Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .
As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM. “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .
Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .
Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)
To Do List: (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend. (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend. (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch. (4) Kick babies in the head for fun. (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.
Caroline visits Matt Donovass
Benedict Arnold at work. She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship. They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
CAROLINE: “You smell like my mom. The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”
MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”
MATT: “Oh nothing . . .”
Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands. So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .
In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes. “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her. So, why are we so intent on killing her again?” Matt wonders.
“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”
“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.” Lizard replies. Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being. And here’s what I have to say about that . . .
Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club. Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom. But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .
“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date. Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target. It worked for Dick Cheney!”
Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)
ALARIC: “So, I was thinking that tonight
(like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”
DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”
ALARIC: *pouts* “But I wanted to be HIM!”
Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing. Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities. “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.
“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric. (I LOVE THESE TWO!)
But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.
“Ughhhh . . . Klaus, I presume,” scoffs Damon (mimicking his ICONIC “Ughhh, who cares” line from one of Blogger Pal Amy’s favorite Delena scenes from Season 1 of the show).
DAMON: “I liked you better when you were Alaric.”
After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could . . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination. But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood. “The Sacrifice is tonight . . . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.
“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?” Alaric asks, with mild amusement.
“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.
And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .
These two REALLY need their own theme song. Any suggestions?
Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)
Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy
STEFAN: “So, Elena. Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . . . Oh, wait . . . never mind . . . I was there.”
I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice. Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen! And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him.
(So . . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls. Not judging . . . just sayin’.)
“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW! It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”
Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it. “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).
ELENA: “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”
I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain.
*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*
Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him. (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern. Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)
But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants. So feelings is what Stefan is going to get . . .
Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple. Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.” And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.
ELENA: “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”
But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices. She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old? Seriously, Elena! Babies? maybe. OLD? Definitely NOT!) “I don’t want to be a vampire. I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.
“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.
Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process. Would I want to live forever? Probably not. But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead! So, what’s the big deal?
Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?
In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire. On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE! Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire. But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her?
When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white. Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .
In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .
Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!
TYLER’S MOM: “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen. Because, unlike some OTHER moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”
When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . . borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits? This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps. Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual. But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well? Only time will tell . . .
(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)
So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls . . .
. . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .
Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .
Then JULES comes along, and threatens to ruin EVERYTHING (as has been her habit, since he appeared on the show) . . .
It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation. But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to
have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”
Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .
No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .
Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another. For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter. This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore. This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.
You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls. But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory. So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.
Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left. But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler. She realized how much she missed his friendship. She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye. And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .
“You’re leaving again? Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.
Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away. (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)
Don’t worry Tyler! One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .
Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN
“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”
“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”
The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay . . .
But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go . . .
Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show. Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD. So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.
“Well, that kind of sucks. Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”
Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing. “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left? Why did you leave me?” Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.
“I know you hated me. I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.
“I was hurt. You turned your back on me when I needed you. But I could never hate you, Tyler,
because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”
“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”
Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this. These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!). It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .
Fortunately, help is on the way . . .
Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .
KATHERINE: “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season? Like, once an episode?”
So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house. (That’s odd. I thought Katherine let him in last time?) If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore. Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor. Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.
“In your pants?”
Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly. “They are in the tomb,” she admits.
Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able. So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis. And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .
So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet. Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”
You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not. It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety. (She’s been getting that a lot, lately . . .)
Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .
Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)
“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”
When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox. The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?
Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear. Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection? Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so? And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX? Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?
Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun.
“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”
“You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).
Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too. The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .
On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it). And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is . . . until THIS happens . . .
Now, I love you TVD Costume Department. But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!
When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety. UH-OH!
Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler. Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).
By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf . . .
. . . to a REAL WOLF, since last time?
He’s WAY more CUDDLY now! Mommy Like!
The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)
Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall. When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them.
Tearful goodbyes are exchanged. And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”
Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too. (Man! Talk about an unequal distribution of labor! I hope Damon’s getting paid for this
in sexual favors.)
At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .
Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!
Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B. As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .
(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped? I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.)
But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice? Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.
“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground. “What’s on your arm, Damon?”
Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it? Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!
Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time! YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!
But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?
When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless. “But I did everything you asked? Why did you do this to me?” Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.
“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk. “She’s (dun . . . dun . . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”
And the hits just keep on coming . . .
So, for those of you keeping score. Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .
Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)
Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)
Team Witch: minus 1
Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)
Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire: Plus 1 *sobs*
Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????
Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some
massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral? You can check it all out here . . .
So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?