Tag Archives: #2

Kick off 2011 right, with these 10 Sexy Chuck & Blair Moments from Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season!

Happy New Year, Gossip Girl fans (and, perhaps, more importantly, Chair fans)! 2011 is a brand new year for us fangirls and television lovers!  And just because our favorite shows are still in Hibernation Mode, doesn’t mean we have to be!  So, rather than nursing our hangovers, and moping about how another year has gone by, I thought it might be nice to spend the first day of the new year with our favorite pair of Upper East Siders . . .

That’s right, boys and girls!  It’s Chuck and Blair day, here at TV Recappers Anonymous.  And have I got some smoking hot Chair Moments for YOU!

What follows are my picks for the Top Ten Chuck and Blair moments from the first half of Gossip Girl’s Fourth Season . . .

(Note:  As always, many of these video clips have not been properly embedded, due to CW copyright restrictions.  But you can view them ALL, in their Sexy CB Glory, by simply clicking on the internal links. ;))

10. Chuck sniffs Blair’s “Pie”

 Episode: 4 x 05 – “Goodbye, Columbia”

Setting the Scene:   Chuck has just declared war on Blair, once again.  This time, the breach of peace is Much Ado about Eva, Chuck’s Hooker in Peasant’s Clothing, Ex-Girlfriend.  Blair sent her snoozy temporary replacement packing, with the help of a few carefully placed rumors, and an unmatched ability to plant seeds of doubt in Chuck’s head, as to his Sweet Tart’s supposed “virtue.”  Since Chuck and academics are like oil and water, Blair mistakenly believes that she will be able to protect herself from battle, by hiding out on campus at Columbia University, where she is currently matriculating.  But Chuck has other ideas . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Mmmmm . . . I almost forgot how much I used to enjoy your pie.”

GOSSIP GIRL:  “Better batten down the hatches, B.  It looks like your Island in the Storm was just hit by a Bass 5 Hurricane.”

Why it Made the List:  Nothing turns Chuck and Blair on more than a good-old fashioned War of Wits.  And this most recent war between Chuck and Blair was no exception.  Observe the way Chuck’s and Blair’s breathing quickens, when they come within a few feet of one another, how their eyes dilate, and the way they repeatedly look at each others’ lips, as they banter with one another.  These are textbook signs of sexual attraction. 

Let’s not forget the extremely lewd and naughty way, Chuck “sniffs” Blair’s pie.  It doesn’t take Freud to figure out what part of the female anatomy that pie represents, or what it means for Chuck’s nose to be in it!  In addition to being a sexually significant food in general, pie is a highly symbolic dessert to Chuck’s and Blair’s relationship, in particular. 

For Blair, food is an indulgence, one that is directly tied to sexual attraction.  Later on in the season, we see Blair attempting to combat her romantic feelings for Chuck, by compulsively scarfing down macaroons.  Even later in the season, Blair sends Chuck a pie, to symbolize their continued “friendship” with one another, in spite of a recent breakup. 

But food also plays a darker role in Blair’s life.  A long-time sufferer of bulimia, pie represents Blair’s struggles with her body image, and sense of self.  For Blair, Chuck is like pie.  He is seductive, delicious, and makes her hungry for more.   But he is also dangerous, and potentially hazardous to her health.  And just like with that decadent dessert, once Blair starts induling in Chuck, she often can’t stop . . .

9.  The Peace Treaty

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene:   A few surprisingly eloquent words of warning from Raccoon Zombie Jenny, in the previous episode, caused Chuck and Blair to rethink the mutually destructive nature of the war they had waged against one another.  As a result, at the end of that episode, Chuck and Blair informally agreed to a “truce,” via a late night handshake (more on that later).  But Chuck’s and Blair’s friends, Nate and Serena, know that a mere handshake is not enough to put out the wildfires perpetually raging between these two soulmates.  And so, Nate and Serena stage an intervention of sorts, and attempt to broker a formalized peace treaty between the warring factions.

Potent Quotables:

NATE:  “Sooner or later, one of you is going to press the other’s button.  And we are going to end up with nothing but cockroaches.”

CHUCK:  “I have no objection to order in the kingdom.   Let the negotiations begin.”

And much, much later . . .

BLAIR:  “Actually, there is one more point I want to negotiate . . . in private.  Attorneys are dismissed.”

Why it Made the List:  For what was supposed to be a “serious” negotation of a formalized legal agreement, this meeting between Chuck and Blair was pretty darn funny.  Kudos to all parties involved, for not breaking into hysterical laughter, or even smirking, as Chuck and Blair discussed which of them was entitled to attend fashion week in Paris, who had access to which strip clubs, and whether Chuck was allowed bed the hostesses at local restaurants that Blair frequented.

All kidding aside, however, this peace treaty showcased some SERIOUSLY sexually tense moments between Chuck and Blair!  Observe Chuck’s body language, throughout the negotiations.  His fists and jaw are clenched.  His nostrils are flared.  His lips are pursed.  He’s uncharacteristically figety.  Chuck Bass is like a BULL IN HEAT!  And as for the slow and seductive way that Blair pours and drinks that water from her wine class, while licking her lips — her eyes closed in exaggerated ecstasy?  Well, it doesn’t get much more sexual than THAT!

8. Reunited in Paris

 Episode: 4 x 02 – “Double Identity”

Setting the Scene:   After engaging in bestiality with a Raccoon Zombie, and breaking the heart of the love of his life, Chuck escaped to Prague, where he was shot.  To add insult to nearly mortal injury, the engagement ring he had initially purchased for Blair, stolen right out from under his bleeding body.  Chuck was then “rescued,” by some blonde chick named Snoozy Eva. 

So, filled with Self Hatred was Chuck at the time, that he allowed the world to believe he was dead, and began gallivanting around Europe with Snoozy, under the alias, Henry Prince.  Blair, who was vacationing in Paris at the time, learned of his whereabouts from Serena.  The Queen B then tracked the Bass-tard down at a Paris train station, in order to deliver to him an important message . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Changing your name doesn’t change who you are.”

CHUCK:  “It’s a start . . . a chance to live simply, earn people’s respect, maybe become a person someone could love.”

BLAIR:  “Someone did love you . . . And you owe it to her — and everyone else you are leaving behind –not to run away, which is what you are doing  . . .”

CHUCK:  “Your world would be easier, if I didn’t come back.”

BLAIR:  “That’s true.  But it wouldn’t be my world, without you in it.”

Why it Made the List:  After spending an entire summer wondering whether Chuck Bass was dead or alive, and then suffering through nearly TWO full episodes, without a single moment of interaction between my favorite GG pair, this sweet and quietly heartbreaking scene between Chuck and Blair went a long way toward alleviating my painful symptoms of CB withdrawal.  The fact that Blair would be willing to rescue Chuck from his own demons, and convince him to come back to New York City, and reclaim his identity, despite all the pain he had caused her, said volumes about Blair’s strength of character.  It also provided me with an ounce of hope for the pair’s future together . . .

And the longing, tear-filled, looks Chuck and Blair exchanged with one another, when she returned to him the engagement ring he thought was gone for ever?  Priceless (not to mention, highly symbolic)!

7. The Truce

 Episode:  4 x 06 – “Easy J”

Setting the Scene:  Earlier on in this post, I made reference to a scene in which Chuck visits Blair late at night, at her home.  Chuck arrives, waving the proverbial white flag of peace, after the war between them had escalated to such a point, that both of their lives were at stake.  Blair is hestitant to trust Chuck’s offer at first.  After all, he has lied to her, and hurt her, so many times in the past.  And yet, as Chuck continues to plead his case, the cast iron shell that has formed around Blair’s heart, since the whole Raccoon Zombie Incident, begins to show signs of breaking . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “Look, we can keep blaming each other for what happened that night.  Or we can admit a harder truth.  It was no one’s fault.  It was fate — a tragedy . . .  Ware holding on to the pain, because it’s all we have left.  We don’t have to, we have a choice.”

BLAIR:  “Truce . . . you can see yourself out.”

CHUCK:  “I know the way . . .”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, at times, Chuck and Blair can act like children, with their tendency toward name-calling, silly games, and petty fights.  But, when it comes right down to it, these are two old souls, both of whom are wise beyond their years, in so many ways.  I loved the maturity with which Chuck and Blair were able to evaluate their past relationship in this intimate moment.  It wasn’t about who was right or wrong, or who was to blame for what happened to them.  Things simply didn’t work out between them last season.  So, why rehash the painful memories?

In this scene, Chuck and Blair took their first tentative steps toward overcoming their past, and building a future together.  They came to a mutual understanding that who they were yesterday, doesn’t necessarily have to be who they are tomorrow. 

And yet, how much had really changed between them?  The obvious electrical current of sexual energy that spread through Chuck’s and Blair’s bodies, as they shook their hands in “truce,” belied their promises to one another that they would never again give in to their mutual romantic desires . . .

 

6. The Threesome

 Episode:  4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  After an intense session of mindblowingly Hot Hate Sex at the end of the previous episode (more on that later), Blair awakens to a VERY happy ending in her bedroom.  Count on Cockblock Serena to come barging into the bedroom and spoil the moment, just so that she can babble on (and on and on) about the not particularly interesting “relationship” problems she is currently having with Professor Hot Bod . . .

Potent Quotables:

GOSSIP GIRL:   “Morning, Upper East Siders.  I hope you had a Good Night Sleep, or at least a Good Night’s Play!”

BLAIR: (while trying to hide her obvious arousal, and Chuck’s “head,” from Serena) “I hate it when the duvet pops up like that.”

CHUCK:  “This comforter blocks out so much noise, they could sell it at Bose.”

Why it Made the List:  Simply put:  watching Blair try to give solid “friendly relationship” advice, while, at the same time, fending off Chuck’s amorous advances, beneath the sheets (which were obviously giving her a tremendous amount of pleasure!) was just good naughty fun!  All of us felt Blair’s pain!  We ALL wanted Serena to get the heck out of that bedroom FAST, so that Chuck and Blair could finish whatever it was they were doing, before she entered . . .

And NOTHING is hotter than Ed Westwick, when he’s sporting Post Sex Bedhead, while discussing the sound quality of comforters . . .

5.  The Breakup

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene: Chuck and Blair have just been publicly outed as a couple at the Saints and Sinners Ball, after weeks of keeping their affair a secret.  The outing had the unintended effect of bolstering Chuck’s public image as a naughtily decadent Bad Boy Entrepreneur with a soft spot for a delicate debutant.  Apparently, when it comes to hotel moguls, contradictions are sexy!  The outing was decidedly less lucky for Blair, who lost the opportunity to be spokesperson for a feminist-based foundation, Girls Inc., as a result of it. 

Chuck sees what happened as evidence that the couple can overcome any obstacle, as long as they are together.  But Blair is not so sure . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

BLAIR:  “I love you too . . . I don’t expect you to wait.”

CHUCK:  “If two people are meant to be together, eventually they will find their way back.”

BLAIR:  “Do you really believe that?”

CHUCK:  “I do.”

BLAIR:  “So do I.”

Why it Made the List:  Sure, it was maddening, and incredibly frustrating, that after three episodes of build up, intense conversations, and incredibly hot sex (all of which seemed to support the notion that these are two people who are MEANT to be TOGETHER), Chuck and Blair broke up, over something as seemingly insignficant as Blair not getting a dumb internship.  And yet, in this very special moment, Blair and Chuck BOTH admitted that they were in love with one another.  Beyond that, Chuck’s words to Blair about people who are meant to be with one another, eventually finding their way back into one another’s arms, seemed incredibly prophetic of an eventual PERMANENT union for this couple.  Don’t you think?

4. Hate Sex

 Episode: 4 x 07 – “War at the Roses”

Setting the Scene: The short-term ceasefire in the war between Chuck and Blair came to an unexpected end, after a highly embarrassing video, featuring Blair drunkenly singing at a karaoke bar, was exposed to all of New York high society on her twentieth birthday.  An enraged Blair immediately accused Chuck of leaking the video, since he was (she believed) the only person aware of its existence.  After all, permanent disavowal of this video was an important part of the peace treaty between Chuck and Blair.

Chuck — who would never even think of releasing such a video to the publi — was highly offended that Blair would believe he would do so.  (As it turns out, the video was discovered and subsequently publicized by Dopey Dan).  After the party, Chuck confronts Blair in private, to let her know, in no uncertain terms, that the war between them is back on . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “I’ve realized we are not friends.  Friends have to like each other.  And after what happened tonight, I could never like you.”

BLAIR:  “Every nerve ending in my body is electrified by hatred.”

CHUCK:  “There is a fiery pit of hate burning inside me, ready to explode.”

BLAIR:  “So, it’s settled then.”

CHUCK:  “We’re settled.”

 Why it Made the List:  OMG!  This scene was HOT with a capital “H!”  When you really thing about it, feelings of hatred, and those of intense and passionate love are not all that far removed from one another, are they?  Both have the ability to cloud your mind, and keep you from thinking rationally.  Both have a tendency to get you hot under the collar.   Both light a fire in your heart, that threatens to explode your insides.  And, perhaps most importantly, both can drive you completely insane!

The moment Chuck and Blair move toward one another, and begin to describe their mutual feelings of hatred, we all know the sex is inevitable.  Like Chuck and Blair, our bodies fill with the heat of anticipation.  As for the animalistic manner in which Chuck and Blair angrily have their way with one another on top of that piano — ripping eachother’s clothing off, as they teeter on the brink between insanity and intense pleasure — well . . . it’s like nothing you’ve ever seen on television before!

 

3. Chuck and Blair Exposed

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  When Chuck’s publicist informs him that his new do-gooder image is bad for business, Blair suggests that he throw a Saints and Sinners Ball, to show the world what a bad boy he really is.   Mistakenly believing that their coupledom would undermine Chuck’s womanizing mystique, Chuck and Blair decide to keep their budding relationship a secret. 

And yet, when Chuck utters a certain phrase to Blair during sex (more on that later), Blair finds herself unable to think about anything else.  (Did he mean it?  Is it true?)  So, Blair shows up at the party, risking everything to ascertain Chuck’s feelings for her once and for all . . .  Little do Chuck and Blair, know that both of their secrets are just moments away from being exposed . . .

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “I heard what you said . . . three one syllable words that, under the circumstances, you may or may not have meant.”

CHUCK:  “Do you want me to have meant them?”

BLAIR:  “If they were true, I would want to know.”

CHUCK:  “I meant it Blair, with all my heart . . . Are you going to say something?”

BLAIR:  “I will . . . I mean . . . I do.”

CHUCK:  “I understand the consequences, but I am willing to pay them . . . I say, we go up in flames together?”

Why it Made the List:  This very special scene is all about risks.  When Chuck and Blair meet one another on that balcony at the Saints and Sinners Ball, they are putting everything on the line for one another:  their lives, their livelihoods, their reputations, their pride, their self-respect, and their hearts.  The fact that the conversation between them takes place high above the ground, only heightens the dangerousness of this moment. 

Blair risks her future as a public feminist figure, by coming to see Chuck at the Saints and Sinners Ball.  And then, she risks her pride by asking him if he meant it, when he told her that he loved her during sex.  In turn, Chuck puts his own heart on the metaphoric table between them, when he admits to Blair that he DOES, in fact, love her — not knowing for sure whether she returns those feelings.  When Blair does respond affirmatively to Chuck’s claims of love, she does so, by saying those two special words, “I do,” almost as if she is completing wedding vows.  (How’s THAT for foreshadowing?)

Moments later, when Blair’s and Chuck’s relationship is exposed to the party — rather than shunning one another, to protect their respective reputations — both Blair and Chuck decide to embrace public scrutiny, and “go down in flames together.”  By doing this, Chuck and Blair take the ultimate leap of faith for one another, and prove that, when it comes to the many things in both of their lives that are important, their relationship comes first.

2. “Friendly” Sex

 Episode: 4 x 08 – “Juliet Doesn’t Live Here Anymore”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck and Blair have just reached the end of a VERY GOOD DAY!   Not only have they each gotten laid MULTIPLE times by one another, they’ve also protected a mutual friend, and ensured the takedown of a mutual enemy.  As Chuck and Blair sit quietly in her living room, sharing a drink together, they are feeling tired, but happy, and oddly invigorated.  Chuck and Blair have just been reminded of what a great team they make, when they are able to put aside their differences, and work toward a common goal.  In this triumphant moment, anything seems possible . . . even friendship.

Potent Quotables:

BLAIR:  “Sometimes, I think a takedown is better than sex . . . Well, it’s an endorphin rush.  Plus it makes me think of old times.  I really appreciate you stepping up tonight.”

CHUCK:  “Maybe that’s because that’s what we are,  friends.”

BLAIR:  “Who knew it would take a public takedown and tons of hate sex for us to get here?”

CHUCK:  “Well . . . I should get going.  Good night, Waldorf.”

BLAIR:  “Same to you, Bass.”

Why it Made the List:  As Chuck and Blair are reminded of what a good team they are, we are reminded as well.  Though on the surface, they seem very different, Chuck and Blair are really so much alike!  Both can be sly, manipulative, and mean-spirited.  But they are also loyal friends, who are willing to do whatever it takes to ensure that one of their own doesn’t get hurt. 

Can Chuck and Blair ever really be just friends?  The beginning of the scene suggests that they can!  Observe the easy and effortless way in which they relate to one another — shifting easily between joking banter, and sweet compliments.  Remember that Chuck and Blair started out as friends, and partners-in-crime, back during Season 1 of Gossip Girl.  These are two individuals know what makes each another tick.  They are comfortable with one another.

And yet, when Chuck and Blair move close to one another, and share a gentle hug, all thoughts of friendship go out the window.  The sexual chemistry between them is undeniable.  Observe the way Blair gently places her hand on Chuck’s cheek, the intense looks that are exchanged, and the depth of feeling behind each movement.  Behold the power of that kiss!

Granted, Chuck and Blair have been having sex throughout this ENTIRE episode.  So, what makes this time different?  You see, this is the first time, in the course of the hour, that Chuck and Blair make LOVE!  All the romantic elements are there: the gentle way the room is lit, the soft crackle of the fireplace before them, the soft femininity of Blair’s floral dress, the way Chuck CARRIES BLAIR ACROSS THE THRESHOLD into her bedroom, like the pair of newlyweds they are destined to someday be.    When it comes to television love scenes, they don’t get much better than this!

1. Chuck Says “I Love You” During Sex

 Episode:  4 x 09 – “The Witches of Bushwick”

Setting the Scene:  Chuck has just learned that he needs to reaffirm his Bad Boy image, in order to reclaim his hotel mogul status.  According to his publicist, this means dropping all ties to Good Girl Debutant Blair.  Likewise, Blair is informed by the head of the feminist foundation Girls, Inc. that she is in the running to become the organization’s spokesperson, but only if she disassociates from the rebellious Chuck.  Chuck and Blair meet in her bedroom, in order to plot a plan certain to save both of their careers.  But it’s hard to talk business, when both parties are feeling so very hot and bothered . . .

Potent Quotables:

CHUCK:  “There is something alluring about an angel drawn to the darkside.”

BLAIR:  “Or a devil redeemed.”

CHUCK:  “An impeccable plan.”

BLAIR:  “This really is a beautiful friendship.”

CHUCK:  “I love poplin.”

BLAIR:  “I love condemnation.”

CHUCK:  “I love you.”

Why it Made the List:  This scene was just pure perfection, on so many levels!  Porn stars have NOTHING on Chuck and Blair, in terms of sheer sexuality.  I adored the way, Chuck and Blair were able to help one another with their respective business problems, without letting all the dull talk get in the way of their sexual activity, even for a single second! 

The breathless way the Chuck and Blair talked to one another, their barely muted moans, as they undressed eachother and fell into bed together, the way Blair’s eyes rolled back in her head, when Chuck kissed her neck . . . it was enough to drive a Chair fan CRAZY!

When Chuck finally got caught up in the throes of passion, and told Blair he loved her, I literally squealed with JOY!  Blair may have doubted the veracity of Chuck’s claim — because he said it while in the throes of passion — but us Chair fans never did!  Like Blair, Chuck is the kind of person who keeps his feelings closely guarded, no matter what he’s doing at the time. 

The Chuck we know would never let himself get carried away during sex.  He would never say those three words, unless he absolutely meant them.  This is why it took Chuck being completely blissed out, and in the moment, for him to reveal the feelings for Blair that he had heretofore kept hidden.  This is the image of a man in deep and serious love.  And, as far as I’m concerned, nothing can be sexier . . .

Well, there you have it.  Ten Slyly Seductive and Super Sexual Scenes between Gossip Girl‘s “It Couple,” Chuck and Blair.  Which one was YOUR favorite?

New episodes of Gossip Girl will begin airing on Janury 24, 2011.  Until then, XOXO!

P.S. Be sure to check out my pals at Chuck and Blair the Perfect Pair blog, if you haven’t done so already.  The site’s late-breaking Chair news, gorgeous photography, and captivating content are sure to provide you with everything you need to satisfy your Chair fix, during this interminably long GG hiatus.

[www.juliekushner.com]

5 Comments

Filed under Chuck and Blair, Gossip Girl, Television Super Couples, Top Ten Lists

10 Things I Learned from Watching Grey’s Anatomy’s “Shock to the System”

“Is this going to be on the exam?”

I suspect that there are many of you out there who only watch Grey’s Anatomy for the “mushy-gushy relationship stuff” .  . .

 . . . the bizarro plotlines involving psycho serial killers . . .

 . . . the hot hallucinatory Ghost Sex . . .

. . . and the abundance of Sexy Shirtless Men . . .

(NEWS FLASH:  Nearly Naked Dr. Avery!  Coming Soon to a TV Near You, October 14th!  Never has the invention of HDTV been more appreciated . . .)

And while all of the above are perfectly valid reasons to watch this long-running show, what many fans fail to realize, is that Grey’s Anatomy is also a treasure trove of life lessons for us all!

So, without further adieu, let’s look back at the lessons we learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy, “Shock to the System.”

1)  If you wish to fake an emotional breakthrough with your shrink, so that he will clear you to return to work (or, at least, trade those LAME anti-depressants he currently has you on, for the AWESOME uppers you’ve been eyeing since you started therapy), bad mascara and crumbly tissues are not enough . . .

Particularly if, even after crying, you still look like you belong in a Banana Republic magazine advertisement . . .

Drastic times call for drastic measures.  And in this situation, Ugly Cry Face is required.  Here are a few examples of what I mean:

Then again, if your name is “Meredith Grey,” and you are on a show called GREY’S Anatomy, you’ll be back at work after two episodes, anyway.  So, you might not even need to resort to this . . .

2) Those who lie down with criminals  . . .

 . . . wake up smelling like pee . . .

(and sometimes unwittingly attract new boyfriends named “Vito.”)

3) It may come as a shock to you, but there are some TV Watchers and (patients at Seattle Grace) . . .

 . . . who stopped watching Grey’s Anatomy after the third season.

Shocking . . . yes . . . but entirely plausible.  As a result of their Grey’s -watching negligence, these individuals may truly believe that Christina Yang is still involved with Dr. Preston Burke . . .

 . . . and that Isaiah Washington was never fired from the show . . .

“Well, THAT was awkward!”

While we are on the subject, here are some other aspects of the show about which these erstwhile Grey’s fans might be confused:

“Who are half these people?”

“Where the heck are George and Izzie?”

 

“So, Callie is a lesbian, now?”

4) When trying to convince your colleagues that you aren’t Bat Sh*t Crazy . . .

 . . . screaming at them “That’s ME, I’m the CRAZY ONE!” and running around the hospital muttering loudly to yourself, “She never saw it coming!  She never saw it coming!”  OMG!  She never saw it coming!” will probably not help your cause. 

Oh . . . and while we are at it . . . just because one of your patients is crying . . .

 . . . doesn’t mean it has to do with YOU and YOUR PROBLEMS.  Strange as it may seem, THE WORLD DOESN’T REVOLVE AROUND YOU!!!!!

Regardless, of what HE might lead you to believe . . .

5) If you play a lesbian couple on a show that predominately caters to straight females . . .

. . . the best you can hope for in a storyline is some comic relief-esque banter involving room decoration and paint swatches.

Thanks for playing!  Better luck next time!

6) If Miranda Bailey is touching your boobies, in the middle of a hospital hallway .  . .

 . . . your secrets WILL come out . . .

. . . even if she has to wrench them from your body with a pair of barely sterilized tweezers!

7) When THIS GUY says you are not ready to do surgeries . . .

 . . . you are NOT READY TO DO SURGERIES!

No “ifs” “ands” or “buts” about it, MISSY!

8 ) Are you single?  Feeling lonely?  Unappreciated by the men (or women) in your life?

Worry not!  Getting the objects of your desire to notice you is EASY!

Just get STRUCK BY LIGHTENING, along with all the men of your dreams!

You’ll be beating them off with a stick in NO TIME!  (No really . . . you’ll probably end up wanting to physically beat them.)

9) If your boyfriend is a shrink, and most of your dates are spent with you just talking, and him just “listening” . . .

 . . .  you’re not in a “relationship,” you’re in “therapy.”  Then again, with healthcare plans being what they are today, WHO CARES? 

But, if he ever sends you a bill for his “services,” it’s probably time for you two to have “the talk.”  (The phrase “quid pro quo” might come in handy . . . just saying.)

And finally . . .

10) If you lost your husband’s baby during a tragic accident . . .

 . . . and haven’t told him yet, just bite the bullet and DO IT!

If he’s anything like Dr. McDreamy, he’ll be totally cool with it!  And if he’s not . . . well . . . you wouldn’t want his Ugly Ass Baby, ANYWAY!

So, there you have it —  Ten Lessons learned from this week’s installment of Grey’s Anatomy.  Consider yourself SCHOOLED!

[www.juliekushner.com]

 

 

 

2 Comments

Filed under Grey's Anatomy

How Britney Spears saved the world (well . . . at least McKinley High) – A Recap of Glee’s “Britney / Brittany”

First, let me start by saying how INSANELY happy I am that Glee has made it cool, again (at least, temporarily), to listen to Britney Spears music!  Because . . . and I’m going to come out and say it right now . . . I’m a BIG FAN!  You know, people can say whatever they want about Britney.  For example, they might comment on her poor taste in men . . .

. . . uninspired fashion choices . . .

. . . or her “Toxic” relationship with the media . . .

But, even the HATERS have to admit, her music gets toes tapping and pelvis’ gyrating, like nobody’s business! 

When I first heard that Glee was doing a Britney-themed episode, I was so excited, that I took the liberty of jotting down some song ideas for the cast.  Some of those songs actually ended up in the episode. 

Others did not. 

Here are a few that, for whatever reason, didn’t make the cut.

1) Womanizer

Premise: Now that she’s baby-free and single, Puck wants back in the Febray Pantalones, pronto.  However, Quinn’s seen the way her former beau acts around the women who’s pools he cleans . . .

. . . and she’s not quite convinced he has the “staying power” for a long-term relationship.

2) Lucky

Premise: Quinn Febray and Santana Lopez — every girl wants to be them, and every guy wants to do them.  But not even popularity can cure a lonely heart.

3) Not a Girl, Not Yet a Woman

Premise: Emma comes to clean to new beau, Carl Howell, about her Energizer Bunny-esque virgin status . . .

4) Circus

Premise: It’s Sue Sylvester’s world.  The rest of us just live in it . . .

5) If You Seek Amy . . .

Premise: Brittany’s hidden feelings for Coach Beiste cause her to explore the true nature of her sexuality.

6) Oops, I did it again . . .

Premise: Despite being involved in a very serious relationship with Mike Chang, Tina comes to the conclusion that she may have unwittingly been leading on her ex-beau, Artie.

7) Drive Me Crazy

Premise: See explanation above.

So, now that we’ve covered some of the Britney songs we DIDN’T hear on this week’s Glee, let’s talk about the ones we did.  When the episode opens, Mr. Schuester is leading the kids in a discussion about what he would like this week’s theme to be:  Easy Listening Music.  (Ugh!  What a lame episode THAT would be . . .).  Not quite down with his Kenny G or Michael Bolton, Kurt . . .

 . . . has a better idea.  He suggests the crew perform a Britney Spears song at the homecoming pep rally.  Will says, “Absolutely NOT!”

Will considers Britney to be a “bad influence,” just because she “shaved her head” and “tried to bash in the headlights of a car with an umbrella.”  (Seriously, lighten up, Will.  I mean, who HASN’T done that, at least once.  Right?)  Most of the Glee kids bitch and moan about Wet Blanket Will’s Anti- Britney proclamation.  However, to everyone’s surprise, Brittany agrees with his decision.

Apparently, having the name “Brittany S. Pearce” has given our girl quite the inferiority complex.  No matter how many times, she’s propositioned K-Fed for sex, shaved her head, or called Matt Lauer for an “exclusive interview,” Brittany has just never quite been able to live up to the legacy of the songstress with whom she shares her name.  I feel your pain Britney.  My name used to be Maddy O. Na . . .

Meanwhile, for reasons that didn’t quite make sense to me, Will invited Emma’s new dentist boyfriend Carl Howell (John Stamos) to talk to his Glee clubbers about the importance of dental hygiene.

An impromptu teeth investigation, reveals that SOME Glee kids have been SERIOUSLY neglecting their chompers.  The worst of these offenders, by far, is Brittany, who “never brushes her teeth” and “gargles soda after every meal because she thinks Dr. Pepper is a real doctor.”  It’s a wonder this girl has any teeth left at all!

Because Crest is for weenies . . .

Over at Dr. Howell’s office, America’s Sexiest Dentist demonstrates preferences for (1) knocking out ALL of his patients with anesthesia (even if they are just having their cavities filled, or getting a “killer” bleach job); and (2) rocking out to Britney Spears, while he works.  Under the influence of  some pretty heavy drugs, Brittany fantasizes herself right into a Britney Spears’ video . . . or should I say a “Brittany S. Pearce” video.  In the video, Brittany sings “Slave 4 u” (Who knew actress Heather Morris had such amazing pipes?  Why hasn’t she been given a solo sooner?), while rocking some of her namesake’s choicest outfits . . .

 . . . or lack thereof.

When Brittany awakens from her stupor, she has a few less cavities, and a completely altered outlook on life.  “Are you a cat?”  She asks Uncle Jesse from Full House.

“How could she possibly find out my secret?  I’ve never told ANYONE!”

Later, Brittany returns to the dentist with Santana, who, despite having perfect teeth, insists on being put under, so that she too can have a Britney Spears-themed hallucination.  Dr. Howell, who is starting to eerily resemble Michael Jackson’s Doctor Conrad Murray,  more and more, with every second of airtime (R.I.P. MJ!), reluctantly complies.  The two besties, SHARE a fantasy, in which they both perform Me Against the Music.  Santana takes on the Madonna role . . .

. . . with Brittany, of course, filling the Britney Spears part . . .

Fans who were hoping for a MTV Movie Awards-style smooch between the two young ingenues . . .

 . . . ended up being sorely disappointed here.

However, the fantasy did end with a nice cameo appearance from Britney Spears, herself, in which she told Brittany that the cheerleader was sweet, and (despite NEVER BRUSHING HER TEETH) actually had really good breath.

“Pssst, I’m only saying that to get my Dr. Pepper endorsement money.”

The next day at Glee Club, a newly confident Brittany announces that she is more talented than Britney Spears (and Rachel Berry). Therefore, she now wishes to sing ALL the club’s solos.

Kurt notes wryly, that Britney Spears music has given Brittany the confidence she needed to wake up from her dimwitted, seemingly lifelong, haze.  But Will STILL refuses to let the Glee kids perform a Spears song at Homecoming.  In his trademark diva fashion, Kurt overdramatically accuses Will of being too “friggin uptight” .  . .

As a result of his outburst, Kurt gets sent to Useless Principal Figgins’ office.

“Hey!  At least I didn’t (1) cut your funding; (2) threaten to cancel Glee club; or (3) take Sue’s side in an argument against you, this week.”

Unfortunately for Will, Dentist / Wanna Be Shrink, Dr. Carl  TOTALLY agrees with Kurt, about the whole “being too uptight” thing.

Carl can tell just how tightly wound Will is, by how much he grinds his teeth.  His “loosening up” advice to Will?  Eat lots of sugary candy, and buy a fast sports car you can’t afford.  (OK.  I’m going to say it.  This guy is officially the WORST DENTIST EVER!)

Now, given his estimated age (early 30’s?), Will should, theoretically, still be about a decade away from a proper Mid-Life Crisis.  However, that doesn’t stop our favorite teacher from purchasing the same “rad sports car” his dentist has, and using it to try to win back Emma.  Unfortunately for him, she is unimpressed . . .

To make matter’s worse, Will’s ex-wife / permanent cock block, Terri .  . .

. . . randomly stops by to warn Will that, if he keeps this up, he won’t be able to afford the weekly support payment he’s required to mail her by law.  And this BIATCH still thinks she’s getting Will back?  Man, I hope Mr. Schuester is not that massive of a MORON . . . However,  I fear he might be.

Sorry, Schue!  You know I meant that in the nicest way possible.  Don’t you?

Meanwhile, Finn is stressing over the fact that having been kicked off the football team, makes him officially “uncool.”

But Rachel, who has always been uncool, thinks this is GREAT NEWS.  “I want to be the only thing that makes you happy.  You know the two of us can only work out, if we are both losers . . . Now, I won’t have to decide what song to sing at your bedside, when you are in a coma.”

Ahhh, such romantic words!  It’s a wonder, Finn doesn’t bone her right there in the hallway!

During her turn in the dentist chair, Rachel has a vision of herself as the Sweet, but Secretly Slutty, school girl in Spears’ debut video Hit Me Baby, One More Time.  “Is this real life?”  Rachel slurs woozily, upon awakening from her anesthetized haze . . .

Apparently, in “real life,” McKinley High School has NO DRESS CODE, whatsover.  Because, the next day, Rachel decides to wear the outfit in question, FOR REAL.

The whole school ADORES Rachel’s new look.  And Finn, though obviously titillated, is also more than a bit jealous of the attention his girlfriend is receiving, as a result.  “This isn’t like that time I dressed all ‘Sad Clown’ Sandy from Grease,” insists Rachel.

Really?  Because it seemed EXACTLY like that, to me.

Rachel explains that Britany Spears has finally helped her to realize that she is beautiful, and can, therefore, dress like a whore, without repercussions.

Now that everyone thinks Rachel is a TOTAL Ho-bag, she is suddenly very popular.  Therefore, she finds it totally OK for Finn to rejoin the football team . . . if he can.

Later that day, Sue Sylvester contacts Will to warn him of the dangers posed by teens’ excessive consumption of Britney Spears.

“Oops . .  . I . . . did it again — made a weird ‘O’ face at the camera”

Sue then recounts the depraved tale of Jacob  . . .

Sorry!  Wrong one . . .

 That’s him!

. . . whose intense lust over the newly slutty Rachel, resulted in him sitting naked in the school library, fantasizing about her.

 . . . and, while it was a funny scene, the description of the “naked butt sweat stain” Jacob left on Sue’s office chair, was just a bit much . . . I think .  . .

Meanwhile, Artie’s dentist chair-fueled hallucination, which featured him as a football player, alternatingly lifting weights and glaring at Tina, while singing Britney’s iconic song “Stronger”  . . .

 . . . somehow resulted in his and Finn being invited by Coach Beiste to join (and in Finn’s case, rejoin) the football team.

I know.  It didn’t make sense to me either.  The song was fun, though!

Upon hearing the news, Rachel — who has since shifted back to wearing Grandma clothes, and fears that Finn’s refound popularity will be the death knell for their relationship — offers Finn an ultimatum.  Football or her!

I’m still waiting for the episode where Rachel tries to become a cheerleader and / or a football player.  Everyone else in the club has . . .

This time, when Kurt makes his umpteenth speech about how Britney Spears is a positive influence on the Glee clubbers, Will surprises them all by saying “Yes,” to his request that they perform a Britney song at Homecoming . . .

Did I mention that WILL will be performing the number WITH THEM?

In a performance that’s very cool, but a bit creepy, in the “Will sort of fondles his underage students” kind of way, the Glee kids (“fresh off their last place finish at sectionals”) perform Toxic, at the pep rally.

The performance drives the teenybopper crowd SO wild,  that Sue is forced to pull the fire alarm.  Her impulsive move ends up only resulting in more chaos.  Sue, gets trampled and sprains her neck.  Meanwhile, Jacob grabs some guy’s ass and gets punched in the face.  When its all over, Sue, now sporting a neckbrace, threatens to sue Will for his part in the “School Sex Riot,” using her new lawyer, the ubiquitous, Gloria Allred.

Do I smell another Very Special Guest Star?

Sue also notes, quite accurately, I think, that Will owns more vests than the cast of Blossom . . .

90’s television at its finest!

Later, Emma tells Will that he shouldn’t try to change himself, because he’s “wonderful just the way he is.”  (Yeah, she TOTALLY still wants him to cash in her V card . . .  Don’t you DARE deny it, you Unpopped Cherry, YOU!).  Inspired by Emma’s words, near the end of the episode, Schuester trades in his fancy car for the old jalopy he cried in during Season 1.  He then watches glumly, as Emma rides off into the sunset with Uncle Jesse from Full House.

In the final moments of the episode, Rachel, realizing that she has, once again, been a TOTAL ass (as she generally is EVERY episode), dedicates a beautiful interpretation of Paramore’s “Only Exception” to Finn, who she loves dearly, and is going to let stay on the football team, after all.

So, what if Rachel only came to her senses, after manipulating Quinn to seduce Finn — thereby testing the latter’s loyalty to his and Rachel’s burgeoning relationship.   We’ve all gotta start somewhere, right?

Be sure to tune in next week, when Finn becomes all “born-again,” after Jesus appears to him, in his morning toast . . .

[www.juliekushner.com]

10 Comments

Filed under Glee

The Princess and the Bass – A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Double Identity”

Ahhh, fairytales.  You’ve gotta love them: the gorgeous scenery, the beautiful costumes, the eventual happy endings.  But, of course, a fairytale just wouldn’t be a fairytale, without its memorable characters.  Every fairytale must have its Princess . . .

. . . her loyal subjects . . .

. . . her Prince Charming .  . .

. . . and an Evil Witch . . .

.  . . who, unbeknownst to everybody, puts a spell on Prince Charming, which forces him to engage in sexual intercourse with an Evil Raccoon Zombie, who has been programmed to systematically destroy ALL HAPPY COUPLES, EVERYWHERE!

“No man is safe!”

And then, inevitably, there will come a time, when one of our soulmates will find himself (or herself) in Grave Danger . . .

Perhaps, he will suffer “amnesia,” as a result.  Or, maybe, he remembers EVERYTHING . . .  But he is just so ashamed of his previous dalliances with Evil Raccoons .  . . that he simply wishes not to be found — even if not being found means losing his beautiful Princess, FOREVER.

And it is HERE, during this, our Darkest Hour, that we begin OUR story . . .

“I once was lost . . .”

This episode opens just as last week’s did, with Serena and Blair dining in an outdoor cafe in Paris.

Blair has GOOD NEWS to share with Serena!  Apparently, Prince Louis Grimaldi wants to get inside the Waldorf pantalones SO MUCH, that he’s willing to completely forget the whole “Blair only wants to go out with him, because he is filthy rich” thing.

“What can I say?  I have a soft spot for Upper East Side Pantalones!”

Meanwhile, Serena is trying to work through a MAJOR quandary.  In just a few days, she will heading back to New York, where there will be not one, but TWO men vying for her affections.  WHO will she choose?  The Stud . . .

. . .  or The Dud?

(or, as Blair calls him, The Donut . . .)

Image provided by pleasedrinkaknife.com

Clearly, this would be a tough decision for ANYONE (read: absolutely NO ONE) to make.  That is why it is a good thing that “The Force” is with Serena . . .

And, HOW do we know that The Force is with Miss van der Woodsen, while she is making this decision?   Well, because she’s wearing her Princess Leia’s Prisoner costume, of course!

Unfortunately, for Serena, she has little time to ponder her EPIC decision.  Soon after Blair heads off to prepare for her superficial magical date, Serena gets a phone call from her mother.

The conversation goes something like this:

Mama VDW: A body washed up in Paris.  The police think it belongs to Chuck Bass.  Would you be a dear, and go identify it for me?  I’d go myself.  But I don’t like to leave Rufus alone in the penthouse.  He has a habit of wearing my makeup, and trying on all my dresses in my absence . . .

Serena:  That depends.   Can I f*ck the body?

 Miss VDW:  No . . . remember what happened the LAST time?

Serena: Awwww!  You never let me have ANY fun!  *pouts*  FINNNNNE!  I’ll go!

So, off Serena gallops to the morgue . . .

There, she meets a guy who looks like Albert Einstein, back from the dead . . .

Reincarnated Einstein shows Serena Chuck’s wallet and passport, which she confirms did, in fact, belong to him.  Serena then braces herself, as Reincarnated Einstein lifts the sheet off the deceased’s body.   And it is .  . .

NOT CHUCK!

Of course, considering we ALL saw him end the end of last week’s episode, we already knew that . . .

Wake me when we actually learn something . . .

As luck would have it though, Chuck IS under a sheet at that very moment, just not the one Serena’s peeking under.  Instead, he’s cuddling in bed with a blonde!

“AHHHH!  Oh no!  Not her again!  It’s a nightmare!”

Don’t worry, Chuck, it’s NOT Jenny this time!

“Phew!  Wait . . . who is it then?  Did Blair dye her hair blonde, and not tell me?”

Wrong, again Chuck.  It’s THIS chick . . .

Apparently, Chuck . . . I’m sorry . .  . “Henry Prince” has been shacking up with Eva in Prague, ever since she nursed him back to health from that fatal gunshot wound.  Now, they have relocated to Paris, where Chuck Henry is set to begin work at Eva’s father’s restaurant.  As Chuck Henry heads out into the street, his new trusty cane in hand, he is almost HIT BY A TAXI!

And I bet you will NEVER GUESS who’s in the TAXI?

OMG!  It’s BLAIR!

Our two star-crossed lovebirds lock eyes for one beautiful moment. 

Then, Blair instructs the driver to keep moving, and Chuck Henry limps off dejectedly into the sunset.

” .  . . but now I’m found.”

Following her Morgue Trip, Serena returns to the home she is renting for the summer with Blair, to share with her Bestie all she has learned.  “I was at the Morgue today,” Serena offers, conversationally.

“Is that like a Sex Club?”  Blair inquires, showing us all just how well she knows her blonde friend.

For me, yes.  But my mom said I couldn’t screw Chuck’s corpse.  She’s such a wet blanket!  It’s a place where they keep dead bodies,” Serena explains.

Serena then explains how Chuck was presumed dead, but is now, apparently, alive and Missing in Action.

“Consider him found,” replies Blair, offering up for discussion her own Bass-sized encounter, from earlier in the day.

Serena is worried about Chuck, and wants Blair to help her locate him.  Serena explains that there was blood on Chuck’s wallet, which may explain why he was limping and using a cane.  Blair, however (who is clearly in DENIAL of her Luuuuuuve), refuses to help find Chuck.  After all, she is about to head off on her boring  magical date with Louis the Royal . . .

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ . . ..

. . . and nothing as insignificant as a ONCE IN A LIFETIME ROMANCE is going to stop her.

Serena quickly (and a little too conveniently) locates Chuck’s and Eva’s new digs, after talking to one of Eva’s relatives.  (Yes, because that’s what my family members do ALL THE TIME:  give my address out to random strangers dressed like Princess Leia.  That’s not risky behavior at all.

Serena knocks on the temporary  lovebirds’ door.  Chuck answers.  He then tells Serena that “The man you are looking for is not here,” before SLAMMING THE DOOR IN HER FACE!

Not one to be deterred by rejection (or venereal diseases, or whether the object of her affection is still alive . . . or human), Serena remains outside Chuck’s apartment, like any good stalker would, and waits for him to re-emerge.  Eventually, he does. 

“Awww, man!  You again? Why do they keep sticking me with the blondes, when all I really want is the BRUNETTE!”

“You, should have thought of THAT before you banged the Evil Zombie Raccoon, Bass-tard!”

Serena tries to convince Chuck to come home, where people care about him.  She tells him that he should not hide from who he is.  But HIDE is exactly what Chuck Henry Princetends to do.  In fact, he is scheduled to pick up a fake passport with his new fake (and lame) name that very day.  “There will be NO more Chuck Bass,”  He explains matter-of-factly.

“I was blind . . .”

Once again, Blair is busy preparing for a date with her sweet but dull new Rebound Guy beau, Louis the Royal.  This time, because it is really 1862, he’s invited her out to a BALL. 

Really, Louis?  Isn’t this your third date?  Don’t most guys your age, take their girlfriends out to Mickey D’s for this one, so that they can get laid before SNL starts?  Ummmm . . . Louis, it’s called “trying too hard” . . . and you’re doing it.

Once again, Serena comes by to BEG Blair to convince Chuck to ditch being a “Prince” and return to being his “Bass-tardy” self.  But Blair is not about to let some Evil Queen  . . .

 . . . ruin her fairytale.  She has no interest in speaking to Chuck.

Not wanting to be the Evil Queen (AGAIN), Serena decides to let Blair have her boring fun, and tells her not to worry about Chuck.

However, when Serena receives an envelope containing a deed to Chuck’s Empire hotel, she begins to become even more concerned about his welfare and state of mind.  Serena leaves a phone message with Blair, again begging her to reconsider.

At Harry Winston, Blair, already clad in her evening gown, is picking out jewelry for the Ball, when she comes across a very special ring.

 . . . and wouldn’t you know it, it just so happens to be the ring Chuck bought to propose to Blair — the one that he wouldn’t let go of, even after being held at gunpoint, even after being shot, and nearly bleeding to death!!!!!!  It’s ring that, even though the muggers SHOT Chuck specifically to steal it, was miraculously returned to a Harry Winston store in a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COUNTRY from where it was initially stolen, completely unscathed.

Clearly, this ring has special powers . . .

One ring to rule them all  . . .

At the same time, Serena magically appears . . .

Ta Da!

 .  . . along with the inspector, who just so happens to be investigating Chuck’s “disappearance.”  As it turns out, the inspector JUST THIS MOMENT discovered that this STOLEN ring, which its thieves apparently tried to exchange for cash, at the SNOOTIEST, MOST EXPENSIVE, OFTEN FREQUENTED BY ROYALTY, jewelry store in Paris, once belonged to Chuck, and, by extension, ALMOST belonged to Blair.

Huh?

“Chuck was shot?”  Blair whispers, her voice breaking as she speaks, not believing the words that are coming out of her mouth.

Not only was Chuck SHOT, he was SHOT clinging tightly to what could have been Blair’s engagement ring.  For Chuck, it was a final act of love, for a women he truly believed would never again love him in return.  

(Now, even a snarky cynic like me, can’t joke about THAT!  That’s the sweetest thing I have EVER heard.)

FINALLY, realizing all that he had sacrificed for her, Blair decides that she HAS to talk to Chuck, and convince him to come back home. If she doesn’t, she will surely spend the rest of her life regretting it.

” . . . but now I see.”

Off Blair rushes to the train station to catch Chuck before he disappears once again . . . this time, quite possibly for good.  The two meet on a train platform overlooking the city.  She is dressed like a Princess; He, like Pauper.  The pair’s eyes meet, and the natural chemistry between them instantly electrifies the whole screen.  Yes, Chuck and Blair fans!  THIS is the moment we’ve been waiting all summer for!

“Just because you are poorly dressed, doesn’t mean you are not Chuck Bass,” offers Blair.  (Leave it to Blair to talk fashion choices at a time like this . . .)

Blair then expresses hurt that Chuck never told her that he had been so badly hurt.  Despite their problems, this was something she felt she would want to know.  Chuck explains that when he woke up in the hospital, and realized that no one knew where he was, he decided that he no longer had to BE a man he now despised . . . Chuck Bass.  Chuck wishes to change, to become a person someone could love. 

“Someone did love you,” replies Blair, causing tears to well up in Chuck’s eyes.

“I destroyed the only thing I ever loved,” Chuck says morosely, leaning toward Blair, yet cautiously keeping his distance, fearing that if he gets any closer, he will completely break down.

Blair then calmly explains to Chuck that she doesn’t love him anymore . . .

 . . . but that it would take more than him to destroy Blair Waldorf. 

(Awww, see!  They both like to talk about themselves in the third person!  Anyone else would find that REALLY ANNOYING!  Clearly, these two are made for one another.)

And, just in case, any of you cynics out there doubted for a SECOND that there was hope for these two crazy kids, yet, Blair confirms it with her final heartfelt statement: “It wouldn’t be My World, without you in it.”

Later, Chuck meets up with Eva, once again. 

She is happy to see him.  Having seen Blair, who she recognized running to the train station the other day, Eva became convinced that Chuck had left Eva to be with her (which he SHOULD have).  Chuck promises Eva that this was not his intention. 

As it turns out, Chuck wants to return to New York.  Once there, he intends to become a better person than he once was.  He would like Eva to come with him.  She inquires whether he has already purchased tickets for them.   “We don’t need tickets,” Chuck explains.  “I’m Chuck Bass.”

LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE BASS HAS RE-ENTERED THE BUILDING!

Realizing that, like Chuck, SHE was also running away from her problems, by staying in Paris, Blair promptly dumps Louis the Boring Royal . . . but leaves him a smelly high heel to remember her by .  . .

Just like Cinderella . . . only not.

Meanwhile, back in Psycho Stalker Land . . .

Virtual Stranger Juliet offers to be Nate’s “Life Coach,” after learning that Serena sent him a cryptic text message, saying that she, “Needs to talk to [him].”

Nate instantly takes Juliet up on her offer.  Real smart, Nate!  I know I always make it a habit to take life advice from people I know next to nothing about, who, despite having just met me, already have pictures of me plastered all over their bedroom wall . . .

Ummm, how exactly did Brilliant Nate get into Columbia?  And don’t say nepotism, because his Dad just so happens to be a Lowlife Loser White Collar Crook . . .

As Nate’s Life Ruiner Coach, Juliet’s first instruction is that he eliminate all competition for Serena’s heart.

According to Juliet, this can be done by pushing the competition out a 13-story window getting said competition involved with another girl who is NOT Serena.  Juliet mentions Dan’s name.  However, Nate does not consider Dan competition.  (Who would?) 

Nevertheless, Juliet is determined to prove to Nate that Dan IS his competition, and therefore, must be DESTROYED!  So, Juliet and Nate head to Dan’s place.  Once there, Nate casually asks Dan, if he has heard from Serena.  Dan says he hasn’t.   Yet, when Dan leaves the room.  Juliet nabs his cell phone, and, after doing a bit of snooping, promptly shows it to Nate.  It says THIS:

“OMG, NATE,” says Juliet.  “See what this says.  Apparently,  Serena sent a message to Dan about wanting to see HIM TOO!  And even though it says the message is “NEW,” which usually means the person HASN’T READ IT  YET, clearly, Dan has already read it.  He just made it LOOK like it was still not read, to psych you out.  He KNEW you would be checking his text messages, when he left the room.  That sneaky bastard.  Dan is TOTALLY out to steal your girl, Nate.”

Not typically one to “think for himself” (It gives him a headache.), the gorgeous, but mentally “special” Nate reluctantly agrees that Dan is, in fact, probably, trying to steal Serena from him.

“Oh, it’s ON  . . .”

“Like Donkey Kong . . .”

After a few moments of brain-burning THOUGHT, Nate and Juliet come to realize that the only other person, aside from Serena, that would currently be willing to bang Papa Dan, is Vanessa .  . .

So, like any good 13-year old girl, Juliet tells Vanessa that she heard that Nate said . . .  that Dan said .  . . that Dan . . . REALLY wants to bone Vanessa on a regular basis.  Nate, who’s nonexistent short term memory has caused him to forget that HE was once IN LOVE with Vanessa, plays along.  He agrees with Juliet that Vanessa should TOTALLY ride that Humping Humphrey Pony. 

And so, ride it, Vanessa does . . .

The next day, Vanessa tells Dan how happy she is that Juliet passed her a note in gym class that said “Humping Humphrey has the Hots for Venereal Disease-Free Vanessa.”  After all, if not for Juliet and Nate, Dan and Vanessa might not have gotten around to doing the horizontal mambo for a whole TWO MORE EPISODES.  When Dan hears about his alleged “crush,” he makes this face . . .

FINALLY, figuring out that his so-called friend has played him like a fiddle, Dan texts Nate the following:  “I know what you did last summer told Vanessa.”

Nate rushes over to his boyfriend’s house to explain his bad behavior.  But while the two are discussing the REAL reason behind Nate’s underhandedness: Juliet’s Psychosis His and Dan’s mutual feelings for Serena, Vanessa overhears.  Realizing that she will ALWAYS be the boys’ second choice, behind Serena (well . . . maybe THIRD CHOICE . . . behind Serena and Blair . . . or is it fourth choice?  Behind Serena, Blair AND Evil Jenny . . . and what about Georgina . . .)  Vanessa storms out in a huff.

Later, Dan decides that he DOES like Vanessa better than Serena, after all, for now.  (Unlike S, who literally screwed everything that moved this summer, V is most likely VD free.  So, at least, she has THAT going for her.)  So, Dan apologizes to Vanessa, and the two become a couple again for the 865th time since Gossip Girl began.

By the time, Serena finally arrives back in NYC — ready to make her “Big Choice” between Dan and Nate –her two suitors are already otherwise occupied, or so she thinks.  At the apartment, Serena finds Dan clutching Boring Vanessa’s hand, and Nate clutching Crazy Juliet’s hand.  So, it looks like Serena will have to go back to screwing random men on the streets for a while . . .

It wouldn’t be the first time . . . and it probably won’t be the last.

After Serena goes off with her tail between her legs, looking for her next conquest, Nate asks Juliet out for real.  Ummm, Nate, have you ever seen the movie Fatal Attraction?  Because you might want to Netflix it before taking this chicky out . . . just saying.

A photograph of Juliet Sharp in about 20 years . . .

At the conclusion of the episode, we see Juliet staring up at her Wall of Weird . . .

From the Wall, she promptly removes all photos of Nate, Dan and Vanessa.  In fact, she removes EVERY photo from the wall, except for Serena’s mugshot.  On the phone, she tells someone unknown to the viewers:  “I had to improvise a bit.  But it’s done . . . Hang in there.  I miss you.”

Ummmmm . . . OK . . . maybe NATE isn’t the one who has to worry about a Fatal Attraction.  Hide your pet bunny, Serena!

Oh, and did I mention that apparent Blood EXPERT (and possible Vampire) Papa Rufus determined, based on the kid’s blood type, that Baby Milo most likely isn’t Dan’s (which 99.9% of us knew already)?  No?  Well . . . now I have.

XOXO!

(Note:  A number of the screencaps above were provided courtesy of cwtv.com and chuckandblairtheperfectpair.wordpress.com.  Thanks to both sites for the fabulous photo stills.)

[www.juliekushner.com]

18 Comments

Filed under Gossip Girl

Let your fangs be your guide! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Brave New World”

There’s a crazed newbie vampire and two VERY testosterone-y werewolves on the loose in Mystic Falls.  But worry not!  The Salvatore Brothers have it all under control . . . sort of.

Last week, our heroes, Damon and Stefan, had their hands full with Vampire Katherine and her crazy, sexy, evil doppelganger ways . . .

This week, Katherine seems to have taken a little siesta from Mystic Falls.  But that didn’t make life any easier on our Bro Vamps, who still managed to spend most of the episode tending to supernatural creatures, and cleaning up their magical messes . . .

“Who you calling a MESS, b*tch?”

So, without further adieu, let us head off to the Mystic Falls Carnival, and pay a very special visit to its fabulous House of Freaks!

 Hospital Food BITES

After suffering the massive inconvenience of having the life smothered out of her by an antiseptic-smelling hospital pillow . . .

 . . . Caroline “wakes up” in the middle of the night, mildly disoriented and MAJORLY hungry.  Unfortunately,  B*tchy Night Nurse, won’t let her eat until morning.  So, Caroline does what any girl would do in a such a situation.  She improvises.

“Mmmmm, is it just me or have these juice boxes gotten bigger, since I was a kid?”

The next morning, Caroline’s boyfriend, Matt, comes to visit . . .

. . . and Caroline gives him a shoulder so icy cold, it can only be offered by the undead.  She refuses to kiss him, flinches at his touch, won’t eat the food he brings her, and cowers against a wall, when he tries to open the blinds.  Like all boys forced to deal with moody mates, Matt undoubtedly wonders whether Caroline is “On the Rag.”  Little does Mystic Falls’ resident nice guy know that his girlfriend has a WHOLE DIFFERENT “Blood Problem” on her hands (and in her mouth .  . .).

In addition to coping with her brand new kind of “thirst,” and the fact that her face now occasionally sprouts dark lines and wrinkles that even Botox won’t be able to cure, Caroline is also stressed out about not being able to run the Mystic Falls Carnival.  The Carnival was something Caroline had organized every year, since she was a freshman.  And now, with her “out of commission,” Elena and Bonnie are forced to take her place.

While the girls are unpacking boxes, and stacking Team Jacob t-shirts . . .

Every screaming thirteen-year old girl should have one . . .

. . . they can’t help but make a few jokes at Type A blood drinking Caroline’s expense.  “If we mess this up, she will KILL US,” quips Bonnie.  “I don’t know how she does this every year!”

“Simple.  She’s not human,” replies Elena.

Little do they know how VERY RIGHT they both are .  . .

Fortunately, for Caroline, she may have found away to attend the Carnival after all.  Even though Blondie is not due for hospital release until the next day, she somehow “convinces” (read: threatens then compels) B*tchy Night Nurse to discharge her early.  Never one to be discourteous, Caroline thanks the Nurse for her help by NEARLY CHEWING HER NECK OFF!

It was kind of a sloppy move on the new Baby Vamp’s part.  After all, massive neck wounds?  Those are the kind of thing people tend to notice.  Fortunately, the intrepid Caroline has a cover story up her sleeve.  “My boyfriend likes to get kinky,” says a newly Zombie-fied B*tchy Night Nurse, after taking in enough mind compulsion to scramble her brain for weeks. 

(Now, that’s fine for a good hospital tale, but how is B*tchy Night Nurse going to explain all those massive hickeys to her ACTUAL boyfriend?)

Dating discepancies aside, Caroline admires her mind control handiwork.  “I don’t know what THAT is, but it’s SPECTACULAR,” she concludes, as she struts out of the hospital, looking absolutely TO DIE FOR!

You can hardly even tell she’s been dead for 24-hours!

Bark at the Moonstone

Wolves will be wolves  . . .

Considering the fact that TVD fans have known that Tyler Lockwood is a werewolf since the end of Season 1, the writers are REALLY dragging out this “major reveal” a bit long, aren’t they?  Week after week, I just keep waiting for the kid to finally figure out what EVERYBODY ELSE ON THE PLANET already knows.  But, alas, Doofus Tyler keeps missing the boat, on this one . . .

“I may be dumb.   But, hey, at least I look pretty when I’m topless!”

 After a random excuse to show off Michael Trevino’s hot bod, clad in nothing but a towel brief jog around the neighborhood . . .

Well HELLO, Tyler’s crotch and abdominals!  It’s so nice to finally meet you!

 . . . Tyler continues to “bond” with Mr. Wolf in Black Sheep’s Clothing, Mason.

And YOU are wearing a shirt . . . because?

And by “bond” I mean that Mason peppers Tyler with so many questions about his “rage issues” that for a moment I thought I had accidentally switched channels, and was watching a rerun of the Dr. Phil Show . . .

My final diagnosis is . . . you’re CRAZY, Wolfboy!

“I’m an angry guy,” explains Tyler matter-of-factly.  (Now THAT’S the understatement of the year!)

From this exchange, we also learn that Tyler “loses himself,” when he gets angry, and sometimes even suffers from “Rage Blackouts” a la Summer Roberts from The O.C.

When he’s not interrogating Tyler, arm wrestling, or defending his brother’s honor (more on all that later), Mason seems to spend most of his time at Mystic Falls searching for something called a Moonstone.

Riiiiiiight, because that’s EXACTLY what this show needs, MORE ugly jewelry that possesses magical powers . . .

Detective Damon and his Trusty Sidekick, Stefan

“Cheers, to me already getting, in just two episodes, more sexy facial closeup-shots, than I did during the ENTIRE last season!”

But Mason isn’t the only one investigating Tyler during this episode.  Damon seems to have his eye on the Baby Werewolf too.  (Or, maybe he’s just trying in vain to keep his mind off of a certain someone . . .)

Whatever the reason, Tyler’s “Secret” is occupying most of Damon’s thoughts.  Big Brother Salvatore, is pensively pouring himself a goblet of blood, when Stefan arrives home from a morning of “Hunting Wascally Wabbits” with his good pal, Elmer Fudd.

“So, that thing you told me about your brother eating humans . . . you were just kidding about that, right?”

When Stefan turns down Damon’s offer of a blood glass, Big Bro can’t help put take a pot shot at his brother’s Drink of Choice.  “Aren’t you worried that, one day, all the forest animals are going to band together and fight back.  I mean, surely, they talk,” quips Damon.

Be afraid, Stefan.  Be VERY AFRAID!

Damon, who has recently been crowned new head of the Anti-Vampire Council by Ms. Lockwood, herself (How’s THAT for irony?), peppers Stefan with questions about the Lockwoods.  Specifically, he wants to know why they were affected by that Supernatural Clock Thingy during the Season 1 Finale, even though they are not vampires.  Unfortunately for Damon, Stefan sees Damon’s new hobby of “playing detective” for exactly what it is, a way for a guy who’s recently been dumped (TWICE) to pass the time.

“Come on, Damon!  We all know you’re suffering from Man Pain.  Wouldn’t it be easier to just massage your Willy, and call it a night?”

“Well, DUH!  But I’d much prefer massaging YOURS . . .”

Ever the jealous ex, Damon just can’t resist asking Stefan if Elena talks about him.  (How adorable is he?)  And, based on Elena’s exchanges with Stefan during this episode, we know that she DOES talk about him.  However, most of those exchanges involve her repeatedly saying, “I want to be normal and do human stuff, like kiss at the top of the Ferris Wheel.  And I DEFINITELY don’t want to talk about the D- word.”

“D?  As in DELICIOUS?  DEBONAIR?  DECADENT? DRUG-LIKE?  DESTINED TO BE YOUR MAN?”

While over at the Lockwood’s house for an Anti-Vampire Pow Wow,  Damon overhears Tyler talking to Mason about his “rage blackouts,” and comes up with a plan to expose the pair’s supernatural nature.  At the carnival, Damon commandeers Super Human Strength Stefan to challenge Mason to an arm wrestle.

Stefan loses badly.  It’s kind of an embarrassment really.  (I mean, have you SEEN those arms?)  The loss forces Stefan to agree with Damon that Mason is not human.  Stefan’s diagnosis?

Mason and Tyler are Ninja Turtles!  (You know what, I kind of wish he was right.   Because that would be AWESOME!)

Damon rolls his eyes at the joke, echoing the thoughts of some TVD fans, who believe that Stefan “has no comedic timing whatsover.”  I, however, beg to differ.  I thought that Ninja Turtle line was pretty darn hilarious, and his dry emotionless delivery made it even more so.  And I NEVER disagree with Damon.  So, you know I must really mean it.

All this arm wrestling and talk of rage blackouts inspires Damon to come up with a plan, as to how to break Hero Mason Lockwood, out of his “half-shell.”  (TURTLE POWER!)  And so he finds Poor Random Guy, Connor (who is about to have the WORST NIGHT EVER, by the way) and compels him to pick a fight with Tyler, and never back down, no matter what is done to him in retaliation.

The idea is to get Tyler to rage at Connor, and for Mason to go all “Supernatural” on Connor’s ass in Tyler’s defense.  The plan, of course, works flawlessly.  And we watch with amusement, along with Damon and Stefan, as Poor Connor picks a losing fight with Tyler.  Tyler predictably rages.  Then, Mason gets all yellow-eyed . . .

 . . .  and starts “jumping over cars” to break up the wrestling match.  But the fact that DAMON AND STEFAN still can’t figure out what kind of creatures these guys are, EVEN after witnessing THAT, bugs me to NO END!  In fact, I think I may have just had a Rage Blackout, just thinking about it . . .

I’m Burning Up For Your Love

A Newly Undead Caroline arrives at the school, and runs into Damon who has been lurking the hallways.  Caroline confronts Damon about all that mind controlling and physical abuse he heaped on her during Season 1.  Damon, of course, denies it.   But Caroline is insistent. 

NEW VAMPIRE RULE:  Apparently, if you were compelled a vampire, while you were alive, you can remember it, once you are undead.  (This is probably also how Stefan figured out that his love for Katherine was largely the result of compulsion.)

“I have a message from Katherine,” Caroline whispers in Damon’s ear.  (You know, I forgot how hot and hilarious these two were together, during Season 1)  “GAME ON!”

Caroline then throws Damon across the room.  “You suck,” she says wistfully, before stalking outside.

Once at the Carnival, Caroline runs into her loyal, but clueless boyfriend, Matt.

“I’m all better now,” the Undead Girl insists when asked how she was so quickly discharged.

The two quickly head off to the Ring Toss.

Still unused to her superhuman strength,  Caroline’s ring flick ends up shattering about five or six bottles within range.  “They must have already been broken,” Caroline mumbles cleverly.

The “neat trick” totally turns Matt on, and he pulls Caroline in for a kiss.  However, once the Little Vampire gets to close to his human flesh, she becomes incredibly hungry.  Not wanting to hurt Matt, she pushes him away violently.  “Leave me ALONE!”  She screeches, before running away.

An ashamed and humiliated Caroline is crying in the corner, when who should spot her, but a Lip-Bloodied Connor.  “Is everything OK?”  The Nice Guy / Poor Sap asks.  “I am so sorry,” cries Caroline, before doing this . . .

Ladies and Gentlemen, I would hereby like to award Poor Connor this week’s Senseless Death Award!

Meanwhile, Damon pulls aside Elena . . .

It’s amazing how fast Elena seems to have forgiven Damon for the whole “attempted killing of her brother” thing.  Not that I’m complaining . . .

. . . to warn her about Caroline’s newfound vampishness.  Stefan is called in for support, and our three main characters engage in their obligatory Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation for the week.  Gently reminding everybody about how lousy the whole Vicki Vamp Conversion went . . .

. . . and what a “manipulative nasty little slut” Katherine is for doing this to all of them . . .

“That’s ME!”

. . . Damon suggests that they have no choice but to stake Caroline, and put her out of her undead misery.

“Absolutely NOT!”  Elena insists.

Stefan agrees with Elena, but does so half-heartedly,  so that everyone in the room knows that, deep down, he thinks that Damon is right  — Caroline won’t be able to survive as a vamp.   And the longer she lives, the more all of their  lives will be in danger.  When Elena confronts Stefan about his true feelings he PUNCHES A WALL.  (SO HOT!)

“Oooh, baby!  Do it again!”

Damon finds a tearful Caroline outside, crying over a lifeless Poor Connor.  He moves in to “console her,” cupping her chin with his hand, and gently brushing her bloody hair out of her face.  “Don’t cry.  I can help you,” coos Damon with enough faux sensitivity that I almost believe him, myself.

“How?”  Caroline sniffles.

“I’m going to kill you,” replies Damon, matter-of-factly.

Caroline starts bawling now, begging for her not-life.  “Please don’t, I’m not ready to die.”

“But you’re already dead,” explains Damon.

Eventually, Damon convinces Caroline that he’s NOT going to kill her.   He pulls her into a hug, and, then, TRIES TO KILL HER with a sharpened stake!

But then Stefan comes and SAVES THE DAY, knocking the stake right out of Damon’s hand.

(I’ve gotta say!  I’m not ready to see Vampire Caroline go.  Human Caroline was really boring (except, of course, when she was Damon’s Play Toy).  But THIS Caroline?  She. Is. AWESOME!  Way to go, Candice Accola for making me warm up to your character in a big way!)

Then Damon picks up the stake AGAIN, and lunges for Caroline a SECOND TIME . . .

 . . . this time Elena blocks his path. Damon’s stake is now just inches away from the heart of the woman he loves.  “She’s my friend,” whispers Elena.

The two lock eyes, and say nothing for a few moments, the expressions on their faces revealing everything.  It is UNBELIEVABLY HOT!

Damon eventually drops the stake.  “Whatever happens, it’s on you,” Damon warns Elena — the vampire, himself, knowing a thing or two about residual guilt.

In the midst of all this, Bonnie arrives, touches Bloody Caroline and instantly learns that she’s a vampire.  Being a Vampire Hater, and a total bitch Bonnie turns away from her former BFF in disgust.  This causes Caroline to start bawling.  When Elena goes to her, Caroline pushes ELENA away, thinking that Elena was the one who turned her into a vampire.  Elena explains that the vampire who did that to her was Katherine.  But Caroline has had too much excitement for one day, and runs to the bathroom to pee.

Stefan rushes off to the bathroom (the Women’s Restroom?  FOR SHAME, STEFAN!) to comfort Caroline.  He carefully wipes the blood off her face, like a loving father.  Stefan then patiently teaches Caroline how to control her blood lust.  I guess Stefan is like the Mister Miyagi of Vampires . . .

. . . or a Vampire Jiminy Cricket.

He promises not to let anything happen to Caroline.  He  says he will do everything in his power to protect her.  It’s really sweet, actually.

Outside a bawling Bonnie, uses her magic Migraine-Giving powers to initiate a gas leak . . .

 . . . which causes a fire, and results in Damon looking like this . . .

But, despite what he did to her brother, Elena finds enough forgiveness in her heart to come to Damon’s rescue . . .

“This is not US!  This can’t be us!”  Elena tearfully screams at Bonnie, breaking the latter out of her witches’ spell trance.

All That Mushy Stuff

In the post-carnival portion of the episode, we get to see everyone, more or less, kiss and makeup.   Well, Tyler doesn’t really kiss or makeup with anyone.  But  . . .

he does finally find that Moonstone, and the information regarding his ancestry, under a floorboard in his father’s office. 

Matt . . .

. . . sneaks into Caroline’s bedroom and expresses his love for her.  She returns the favor by kissing him, without literally chewing off his face.  Thank you, Stefan-y Cricket!

Damon . . .

 . . . bonds with Jeremy . . .

 . . . over them both having parents that hated vampires, and Jeremy’s inability to whittle a proper stake with which to kill Damon.  Good times!

And finally, Stefan makes good on his promise to have a “normal moment” with Elena, by flying her *rolls eyes* up to the top of the ferris wheel and kissing her there, a la Ryan and Marissa from The O.C.

“We have to take this moment,” comands Stefan.  “I came back to this town to start a life with you.  We can’t forget to live it.”

(Awwwww!) 

And yet, just to keep things from getting too sappy, Kevin Williamson makes sure to end this romantic scene on a slightly dark note.  “It’s not going to get any easier, is it?”  Elena inquires.

“No, it’s not,” replies Stefan, before the screen eerily fades to black.

So, that was Episode 2.  What did you think?  Did you love Vampire Caroline as much as I did, or did you miss Vampire Katherine?   Were you insanely happy (like ME) or slightly disappointed that Elena has started talking to Damon, so soon after she claimed to HATE him?  And finally, were you as underwhelmed by the werewolf storyline as I was, or did Michael Trevino’s shirtlessness make it all OK?

That’s all I’ve got!  See you next week, fellow Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com]

13 Comments

Filed under The Vampire Diaries

The Return of Freddy Rumsen (and Creepy Glen): A Recap of Mad Men’s “Christmas Comes But Once a Year”

“Ho, ho, ho!  Don’s a ho, ho, ho!”

Tonight’s installment of Mad Men marked the “return” of a number of important people and things:

First, there was Freddy Rumsen . . .

A man whose vast talents include: pissing himself before client meetings, taking “six-month leaves” and playing Mozart with his fly . . .

Also, returning for this episode was Glen Bishop . . .

His talents include:  creeping everybody out, watching grown women pee, asking for locks of their hair, and being show producer, Matt Weiner’s kid in real life!

“That’s my boy!”

The final addition to the “People Returning” category is Lee Garner, Jr. . . .

His talents include trying to rape Sal . . .

 . . . getting Sal fired because he tried to rape him, and making fans HATE HIS GUTS for getting rid of Sal.

Other non-human returnees included:

Peggy’s virginity . . .

But it left a few minutes later . . .

And Don’s misery and lack of good judgment . . .

But, when you think about it, has that EVER really left?

So, now that we’ve given all the old -newcomers a warm welcome, what do you say we get on with the show?

The Case of Creepy Glen and the Phantom Phone Calls

“I don’t know about you.  But I’m just really happy to be involved a storyline that doesn’t involve someone dying, or me getting screamed at by my Mean Mommy.”

When the episode first opens, the new “Francis family,” led by the “about as exciting as watching paint dry,” Henry Francis . . .

“What exactly is wrong with watching paint dry?  I very much enjoy watching paint dry.  It’s scintillating . . .”

 . . . are searching for a Christmas tree that won’t scrape the paint off their ceiling.  While there, Sally runs into Creepy Glen . . .

“I heard you got a new dad.  My mom said that would happen,” offers Glen conversationally.  (Ohhh  BURN!  Take that Mama Betty!  You should have really thought twice about giving this boy a lock of your hair.  He’s out for revenge now!)

Glen then shows Sally his red twine dispenser, and Sally remarks at its beauty, before being called away by her brother.

“I might call you sometime,” threatens Glen, as he ponders putting a lock of Mama Betty’s hair on a squirrel he just killed, and making it into a voodoo doll.

Creepy Glen DOES call Sally.  But instead of revealing his true identity when Housekeeper Carla picks up the phone, he refers to himself as STANLEY, his evil alter ego.  As if Creepy Glen wasn’t creepy enough before, he now has multiple personality disorder too! 

Sally, who, unfortunately, has never seen the film Fatal Attraction (both because it’s Rated R, and because it hasn’t come out yet in 1964), takes this brilliant opportunity to pour her heart out to Creepy Glen / Stanley.  “I hate it here.  I really, really do,” she gripes.

(It’s interesting how Betty CLAIMS to be squatting in Don’s house with her new husband for the “children’s sake” and the “children” themselves, don’t even want to be there.)

“Bad Mommy!”  (says Creepy Glen, as he stabs a pin in Voodoo Betty’s heart).

“Don’t worry.  One day your parents will wake up and they will want to move.  You’ll see,” Glen offers, cryptically, before hanging up the phone.

That night, while the “Francis’s” (I’m never going to get used to typing that) are out for dinner, Glen once again calls the house.  This time, no one answers.  He and his friend then somehow break into the house and vandalize it, by pouring food from the fridge all over the place.  “There’s eggs in my bed,” complains Bobby, who has had more to say in this episode then he did throughout the entire third season of this show.

“My room is fine,” exclaims a confused Sally, as she walks toward her night table and finds Creepy Glen’s red twine dispenser – clearly, a gift of love . . .  FROM HELL! 

(Insert maniacal laughter here.)

“Mark” Your Man?

You know who wasn’t getting stalked by a creeper this week?  Peggy!  But she WAS getting pressured into sex, by her clingy, nasally voiced loser of a boyfriend, Mark.  (PEGGY!  You can do SO much better!)

I rest my case.

“I want to be your first,” whines Dweeby Mark, uttering the most unintentionally hilarious line in the entire episode, about the girl who got knocked up by Pete, and who Duck Phillips gave “a go around like she never had before.”

Like a virgin .  . . touched for the very tenth time . . .

Born Again Peggy tells Marky Mark with his Pants in a Bunch that she “wants to wait.”  He responds by laying on her the slobberiest, most unsexy, kiss of all time.  “Think about THAT!”  He says triumphantly, as he struts out of her apartment.  Oh, she’s thinking about it, all right . . . and so are we . . .

After admitting to herself that she “doesn’t want to be alone on New Years,” Peggy receives some advice from Freddy Rumsen about “men.”   Freddy tells her that she should “not lead the boy on,” because that’s PAINFUL . . .

Ahem.

 . . . and that if she “really likes him, she should wait,” Peggy decides to screw Marky Turd anyway.  Hey Mark, get the hint . . .

But, hey, at least you won’t have to worry about THESE anymore . . .

Freddy Rumsen Doesn’t DO Santa Claus!

(Insert sad zipper music here.)

Well, I, for one, enjoyed seeing Freddy Rumsen return. (Now we just need Sal, Ken and Paul!)  Unfortunately, the poor guy didn’t seem to be enjoying himself all that much this week!  It’s tough being on the wagon in an office filled with alcoholics, isn’t it Freddy? 

 Just ask THIS GUY . . .

Sorry, wrong Duck.  I mean THIS GUY . . .

Kind of blew the punchline there, didn’t I?

Speaking of Duck, I never did forgive him for what he did to poor Chauncey . . .

So NOT cool!

But I digress, back to On-The-Wagon Freddy  . . . 

He comes to the offices of Sterling, Cooper, Draper, Pryce, sober 16 months, and armed with a two-million dollar account, Ponds Face Cream.  When asked how he managed to receive such a windfall, Freddy explained that he and the CEO were “in the same fraternity” (more on that later). 

Interestingly enough, the heretofore, happy-go-lucky (happy-go-drunky?) Freddy specifically requests that Pete not have anything to do with the account, as it was Pete who ultimately got Freddy canned for The Piss Heard Round the World.  Now, not that I blame Freddy at all for his decision, but I would be careful, messing with Pete, if I were him.  After all, the dude IS armed . . .

 . . . and REALLY likes to hunt!

Freddy might not be happy to see Pete, but he’s thrilled to see Peggy, at least initially.  Upon entering the office, he lovingly refers to her as, “Ballerina,” and gives her a big bear hug.  If you recall, it was Freddy who first convinced Don and Co. to give then-secretary Peggy a shot at being copywriter for the old agency.  And look how far she’s come since then!

“I’ve come VERY far!  I now wear granny suits, and have the haircut of an 85- year old, despite being in my mid 20s!”

Peggy’s and Freddy’s reminiscences are cut short when Roger Sterling comes back from lunch with the Ponds CEO, clearly wasted!

Not THAT wasted!

“That man sure knows how to have a good time!”  Roger proclaims about his lunch companion, before stumbling back to his office. 

“That’s some job he has,” scoffs Peggy upon Roger’s exit, echoing the same thoughts many of us Mad Men fans have had throughout the course of the series.  Seriously, does Roger ever work?  (He does have the best one liners-though!)

“I also have the best sex life.  Unless you count Don . . .”

Freddy is not paying attention to Peggy’s gripes, however.  He’s worried about the CEO of Ponds.  He gets up and rushes to make a call.  “I heard you went out with Roger Sterling today.  Do you have something to tell me?”  Freddy says into the phone.

Clearly, the “fraternity” Freddy and the CEO were in together only has two Greek letters in it . . . and both of them are “alpha.”

Later, Peggy and Freddy argue over the Ponds campaign.  Freddy wants to use more mature models as spokeswomen, and Peggy wants to use young beautiful ones.  Gone are the days of prim and proper Peggy, who would either hold her tongue completely or politely express her disapproval, when one of her colleagues made a campaign suggestion that was ill advised.  She really let poor Freddy have it, basically telling him, in no uncertain terms, that he was “old-fashioned” and had no talent. 

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m all for women sticking up for themselves.  And Freddy’s notion that young women idolize and want to look like old ones, simply because old women are MARRIED, is pretty laughable.  And yet, the diatribe seemed a bit tactless on Peggy’s part.  Talk about biting the hand that once fed you!

Freddy wasn’t much better, telling Peggy that if she didn’t work so hard, maybe she’d actually find a man that would want to marry her (and impliedly allow her to stay home barefoot and pregnant).  Riiiiiiight, because MARRIED women are always SO MUCH happier than single ones . . .

Need I say more?

When Freddy didn’t show up for the office Christmas party, Peggy became concerned.  So, she was understandably relieved to see Freddy in the office the next day.  “I don’t want to have to worry that you are going to go out and get drunk, every time I hurt your feelings,” scoffs Peggy.

REAL NICE!  Pick on the former alchy, why don’t you?  What happened, Peggy?  Did Marky Turd steal your sensitivity chip?

As it turns out, Freddy didn’t skip the Christmas party because Peggy “hurt his feelings,” he simply didn’t want to be Santa, because, for whatever, reason, Freddy associated wearing the Santa costume with getting wasted in it.  Whatever the reason, he manages to stay sober. 

 Good for you, Freddy!

But you know who most certainly, DIDN’T stay sober this episode?

Don (Juan?) and Roger Claus

Not only is Don drunk for much of this hour, he is also having a REALLY difficult time getting laid.  First he tries to hit on his new neighbor, Reed from Grey’s Anatomy . . .

 . . . who has miraculously been brought back to life after her untimely death, and reincarnated as a nurse.  “Reed” (who according to Wikipedia is called “Phoebe” on this show) is initially a very friendly new neighbor to Don, flirting with him mercilessly, and expressing concern over his habit of returning to his apartment inebriated on a regular basis.  Upon confirming that Don is not the Scrooge he appears to be, (“I don’t hate Christmas.  I just hate THIS Christmas,” he clarifies), she even invites him to her Christmas party, an invitation that he declines. 

 But when “Phoebe” helps a drunken Don into his apartment, and he tries to pull her into bed with him, she refuses.  STRIKE ONE!

Don’s next target is a pretty market researcher . . .

 . . . whose presentation Don walks out on, because he doesn’t want to answer a questionnaire about his parents . . . (That’s understandable, Dick Whitman Don Draper).  When the researcher calls Don out on his evasive and rude behavior, he asks her out on a date.  She declines, condescendingly telling him that he’ll be married in a year to someone else, anyway.  STRIKE TWO!

But Don isn’t the only SCDP owner lowering his batting average this episode, Roger strikes out himself when he mistakenly invites Lucky Strike scion, Lee Garner, D-Bag (a client who more or less OWNS SCDP) to the office’s small “belt-tightened” Christmas party.

“Is Sal going to be there?  I really miss Sal!”

Suddenly, the tightened belt must be loosened A LOT!  “[You] have to take this party from Convalescent Home to Roman Orgy,” Roger instructs Joan.  (She does.)  “Wear that red dress with the bow on the back that looks like a present.”  (She does.)

SUCCESS!

Lee, meanwhile, uses the party held in his honor, to basically make Roger’s life miserable.  First he hits on both Roger’s new wife, and “Joanie,” his former lover.  He then forces Roger to don a Santa suit, and takes pictures of him, with all the male employees sitting on his lap.  (Fodder for the Lee Garner Jr. Spank Bank, no doubt.)

“But where’s Sal?  I want Sal in the picture!”

To Roger’s credit, he’s an exceptionally good sport about the whole thing.  The same can’t really be said for Don, who copes with the awkward event by getting completely sh*tfaced.  He does share a sweet moment with Peggy, though.  (“Merry Christmas, Sweetheart,” he tells her, and we can tell he really means it.)

When Don arrives home to find he has left his keys in his office, he calls his secretary, Allison (played by Alexa Alemanni), who is still at the party, but is about to leave with New Guy Joey and friends.  She locates Don’s keys and agrees to bring them to his apartment.  When New Guy Joey finds out that Allison is headed to La Casa de Drunk Don, he is not pleased.  “He’s pathetic,” grumbles New Guy Joey about his boss. 

(Note: A lot of fans on the message boards seemed “appalled” by Joey’s lack of respect for Don.  But was I the only one that saw something more here?  Does anyone else think Joey has the hots for Allison?  After all, he did draw her what looked like it might have been a personalized caricature in her likeness, earlier in the episode . . .

 . . . and he DOES have a cute butt!  I wasn’t really a fan of that hideous RED velvet suit he was wearing during the office party though . . . That was HORRID!)

Anyway, Allison arrives at Don’s house to find him sleeping on the floor outside his apartment.

She lets him inside, sits him on the couch, and gets him a glass of water and some Aspirin, which he quickly downs.  But as she is set to leave, he grabs her hand, and pulls her onto the couch with him.  He then begins to kiss her, as he caresses her neck.  “Don’t,” she says softly and without much fervor.

“Don’t, what?”  He asks, laughing a bit, before beginning to kiss her again.

Allison manages to pull away one more time, but when the third kiss comes, she is completely swept away.  “Oh,” she says with surprise, as Don falls on top of her, on the couch.

A few short minutes later . . . (because, lets be honest, Don had A LOT to drink), it’s all over.  After a few moments of surprisingly tender petting, Allison sheepishly rights her clothing, and tells Don she has to go meet her friends.  “Are you sure?”  He asks.

Allison nods and heads for the door, “I . . . um,”  She begins, not sure of how to broach the issue.

“I understand,” says Don.

The next day, however, it becomes pretty obvious, that Don does NOT understand!  He basically lets Allison know, in no uncertain terms, that, in his mind, this was a “one time thing.”  “I’ve too often taken advantage of your kindness,” he says.

Allison takes the hint, and, blinking back tears, accepts the envelope Don hands her, containing her Christmas bonus.  She eagerly opens the envelope, hoping for some sign that there was more to all this than Don “taking advantage of her kindness.” 

But along with the cash, is a card containing only one phrase: “Thank you for all your hard work.” – which, admittedly, can be interpreted in one of two ways, both of which make Poor Allison feel like a hooker  . . . (At least Don never asked her to slap him.)

Bad Don!

[www.juliekushner.com]

3 Comments

Filed under Mad Men

An Obvious Lack of Impulse Control: A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Jenna Thing”

“I SEE YOU!  Just kidding .  . . I can’t REALLY see you!  (Or can I?)”

Summer television watching is all about guilty pleasures.  And, in its own ABC Family-approved way, Pretty Little Liars has quickly proven itself to be both undeniably “pleasurable,” and as insanely “GUILTY” as its four main characters are currently feeling.  During this week’s installment of the series, the girls banded together to face a new enemy, just as an old one reentered their lives.  Oh, and did I mention that this was the episode where everybody started randomly MAKING OUT with one another?

“I was hungry.  So, I thought it might be a good idea to eat your face . . .”

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Deputy Douchey Strikes Back!

It’s only been two episodes, and I’ve already had just about all I can stomach of Deputy Douchey here.  (He has a real name, by the way.  I’ve just purposely chosen not to learn it.)  Seriously, how many cops do you know that would actually openly admit to screwing the mother of a murder suspect, just to get information on a case?

 Oh, and just so you know, Deputy Douchey, NO KIDS want to hear their mother being described as “HOT” in a sexual context!  And kids especially don’t want to hear this from a guy who is NOT their dad, but is still doing their mom, while the kids are sleeping under the same roof.

What’s with teen dramas always featuring these slimey, corrupt, and total inept cops?  As if repeatedly breaking up their keg parties wasn’t enough of a reason for teens to hate their “Friendly Neighborhood Policemen.”

I have a little proposition for you ABC Fam (I feel like the you and I are close enough now, that I can shorten your name, without fear of repercussion.)  Whoever the “big baddie” ends up being in this story, let’s have him or her KILL Deputy Douchey, PRONTO.  This way, I won’t have to see him on my screen anymore.  Then, the youth of America might have a bit less Cop Angst, as a result.  EVERYBODY WINS! 

So, anyway, Deputy Douchey stops by the school and gets our four main protagonists hauled down to the principal’s office.  This was kind of a big deal, as these don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the High School equivalent of Maximum Security Prison.  Well, except maybe for Aria.  She did after all, used to have that “REBEL” pink stripe in her hair!  Oh, and Hanna, because she steals sunglasses from shopping malls.  Perhaps, it’s more accurate to say that Emily and Spencer don’t really seem like the type of girls used to spending extensive time in the principal’s office.

While the girls are headed toward their doom, they receive a text from the infamous “A.”  “Dead Girls Walking,” it says. 

Really A?  All that buildup, and you couldn’t come up with a better line than THAT?  You really HAVE been dead too long!

In the principal’s office, Deputy Douchey starts peppering the girls with accusatory questions.  And at this point, I’m just yelling at my television screen.  “LAWYER UP!  LAWYER UP!  Don’t say ANOTHER WORD! ”

Of the entire foursome, only Spencer is wise enough to at least inquire as to whether the girls should consider getting a lawyer.  And yet, after Douchey’s LAME assertion that this is “not an interrogation,” she just keeps right on answering his questions like everyone else.  It soon becomes pretty obvious that Douchey thinks the girls are at least accomplices, if not outright suspects, in Alli’s murder. 

Douchey subtly alludes to the fact that the girls were drinking alcohol the night of the accident, a fact they had kept from the police when they had initially given their statements the previous year.  He then not-so-subtly suggests that the girls’s stories sound rehearsed, and that they know someone who might have wanted Alli dead . . . This line of questioning causes the girls to immediately think about the infamous “Jenna Thing.”

Creepy Jenna and Her Insanely Loud “Cane of Destruction”

If you recall, during last week’s episode, the girls were shocked to find Jenna Cavanaugh in attendance at Alli’s funeral.  This week, we find out, her appearance wasn’t just a one time visit.  Apparently, she is back in town and attending high school with the girls.  Jenna had previously left school, upon becoming blind, over a year ago.  To make matters freakier, Jenna just keeps randomly popping up wherever the girls happen to be.

Did I mention she has the LOUDEST CANE EVER?  Two times, thanks to that massive cane, the girls HEARD Jenna coming, before they SAW her.  The first time, they were in a fairly empty diner, so it kind of made sense. 

But the second time, they were seated in a crowded and chatty HIGH SCHOOL LUNCHROOM.  But, man, was that cane LOUD!  Its sound was so INTENSE that it dwarfed any other sound within listening range, and rendered the world completely silent, in awe of it.  Understandably, every time the girls heard the Cane of Destruction, they noticeably panicked.  You know what the whole thing kind of reminded me of?  This . . .

Despite the girls’ obvious fear of Jenna and her Cane of Destruction, Aria decides to invite her to their lunchtable.  The problem is, everyone is too afraid that Jenna’s Cane will devour them whole, to actually talk to Jenna.  To Creepy Jenna’s credit, she prevents the scene from entering into silent movie territory, by carrying on an ENTIRE CONVERSATION WITH HERSELF.  “Everybody is so quiet.  This used to be the fun table.  What happened to you girls?”  Jenna inquires.

But no one answers her, so she continues talking.  “Alli visited me at the hospital once.  You know, everyone misunderstood Allison, but I knew exactly who she was.”

It’s Flashback Time Again . . .

Suddenly, we are flashed back to Emily’s room, a little over a year ago.  The girls are giggling and trying on clothes, when Alli suddenly goes apesh&t, convinced that some dude named Toby Cavanaugh (Jenna’s brother?) is ogling them in their undies through the bedroom window.  (I thought Emily’s room was on the second floor?)  The girls suggest going to the cops, but Alli has a better idea.  “Let’s light a stink bomb, and throw it in his garage hidey hole!”  She says, more or less.

By the way, am I the only one who NEVER learned how to make a stink bomb in high school?  How come this prissy biatch, Alli, immediately knew exactly how to do this, and I still can’t do it, to this day!  NO FAIR! 

Well, in all fairness, (1) Alli’s dead, so I shouldn’t really be envying HER at all; and (2) apparently, as it turns out, Alli was no stink bomb expert.  The “bomb” she made ended up blowing up Toby Cavanaugh’s hidey hole, apparently, while Jenna was inside of it.  As it was July 4th, and there were REAL fireworks going on outside, no one in town noticed or heard the explosion.   (Too bad Jenna’s Cane of Destruction wasn’t there at the time to warn them, because they DEFINITELY would have heard that. ) 

 Ultimately, the girls vowed to keep what happened a secret  forever.  Hence . . . “The Jenna Thing.”

Back in the present day, the girls are still silently not-at-all enjoying their lunch with Creepy Jenna, when “A” texts them the following, “I wish she could see the guilty looks on all of your faces.”  (OK “A,” that was a little funnier than “Dead Girls Walking” comment.  But not by much . . . Keep trying.)

Aria and Ezra Sitting in a Car.  Are They Kissing?  Yes They ARE!

Unlike some other teen dramas, the girls in Pretty Little Liars actually ATTEND classes, and we actually get to SEE THEM DO IT!

Shocking, I know!  Toward the beginning of the episode, Aria approaches Ezra / Mr. Fitz and asks him to sign a “Transfer Request” form.  She wants out of his English class.  Now, I should note that I was pleasantly surprised by Aria’s maturity and intelligence here.  SO MANY TIMES, I have watched films and shows featuring the student / teacher romance aspect.  And SO MANY TIMES I wondered why neither party to the affair thought to do this very same thing . . .

Yes, I’m looking at you Pacey Witter and Miss Jacobs! 

Mr. Fitz tries to convince Aria that they can both keep their emotions in check while in the classroom, but Aria’s not buying it, and neither are we.  Ultimately, Mr. Fitz relents and signs the Transfer Request.  And while I was applauding Aria for her righteous behavior, I couldn’t keep from wondering HOW exactly she planned to convince the administration to switch her to another English class, after only two short days.  Surely, “I’ve recently boned the teacher in a bar bathroom,” does not appear on the “Reasons for Transfer” portion of the request form . . .

That being said, it’s not exactly surprising that Aria’s Transfer Request is denied.  The sympathetic and loving looks Aria and Ezra silently share, after Aria passes him the declined request form and returns to her seat, are both beautiful and heartbreaking.  Brilliant performance here, on the part of both actors. 

That afternoon, Aria and her mother are heading to see the classic film It Happened One Night, when they run into, who else, but Mr. Fitz!

So, of course, Aria’s mom, in that humiliating way that only mom’s of teenagers can, invites Mr. Fitz to watch the movie with her and her daughter.  The awkwardness and sexual tension between soon-to-be-couple, Aria and Ezra, is palpable from the moment the lights dim and the film starts rolling.  The fact that these two don’t start screwing one another, right on top of Aria’s mother, is a pure miracle!

A few days later, Aria is walking home umbrella-less in the pouring rain when, who just so happens to drive by and see her?  Ezra Fitz of course!  (WOW, stalker much?) 

Ezra hesitates for a few seconds, before letting a wet Aria dash into his way-too-nice-to-be-bought-on-a young-teacher’s-salary car.  This time, the pair drop all appearances of “keeping their emotions in check” and go at it like bunnies.  The result is even hotter than you can imagine!

When Aria arrives home all wet (both inside and out), and smelling of New Car Sex, her father is there waiting for her.  “Something is going on with you,” he points out accusatorily.

But fear not!  Aria’s Daddy DID NOT figure out that Aria was boffing her English teacher in a car in the rain.  He simply wanted to talk about the only subject in which he has shown any actual interest since his first appearance on the show, namely, himself.

In a lame speech that sounded highly reminiscent of the mea culpas made by every politician who has ever screwed around SINCE THE DAWN OF TIME, Aria’s dad blabbed on and on, about how he still loves Aria’s mom, and how his brief indiscretion is over, and how he simply let his emotions get the best of him. 

 (Yeah, buddy, you let something get the best of you, all right.  But I honestly don’t think it was your “emotions.”  Unless you happen to be one of those rare and special men who hide your “emotions” between your legs.)

Fortunately, for Aria’s Daddy, Aria is still high on endorphins and massive Os, so she actually buys into his crap.  Then again, Teacher F*cker Girl is not exactly one to judge now, is she?  Toward the end of the episode, Aria joins her family for some bonding over Chinese Food.  After all, wontons and fortune cookies have the power to make everything all right with the world . . .

That is, of course, until Aria receives yet another cryptic text message from “A.”  It says:  “When students kiss teachers, someone gets hurt.  And that’s a promise I’ll KEEP!”

Wacking Balls, Overachieving, and Homewrecking . . . Just Another Day in the Life of Spencer.

Spencer’s is definitely that uptight snooty girl, about whom all the high school boys would say, “That b&tch needs to get laid.”

(Fortunately, based on what we’ve seen of her during this episode, it looks like she might soon get EXACTLY that.)

After wacking off some field hockey “balls,” Spencer heads to dinner with her family, where she is ignored by her father, demeaned by her sister, and shamelessly flirted with by her sister’s fiance, Wren.  Back at home, Wren comes to Spencer’s room to apologize to her, because she has the bad luck of being saddled with such a crappy family.  He then randomly picks up an architectural book, and makes some cheesy comment about “appreciating beauty.”  All the while, Wren is staring at Spencer like she’s a Tootsie Pop that he can’t wait to lick a few times, before really biting into . . .

Before you know it, these two are making out hardcore!

Surprisingly, it’s the much younger Spencer, who puts an end to the spit-swapping session.  “We can’t do this,”she cautions.

And Wren, who is cute, but obviously not exactly the “faithful type,” stops.  And yet, he doesn’t look at all guilty for the “whole cheating thing.”  Rather, he looks pissed at “Prude Spencer” for making him stop, before he could round second base.  It’s television moments like this that make me FEAR marriage . . .

Except, seeing as Wren’s fiance Melissa was outside the door witnessing this whole exchange, and Wren was seen leaving the residence the following morning with packed boxes, it doesn’t look like “marriage” is something we are going to have to worry about here . . .

Maya the Lesbianator (Everything She Touches Turns to Gay!)

Despite having a “boyfriend back home,” Maya seems pretty darn desperate to get into Emily’s pants!  As soon as she arrives on screen, she’s rubbing up against her at every opportunity, insisting that the two share hot cocoa, and spooning Emily in her sleep, while not-so-subtly grazing her boobs, in the middle of the night. 

Oh, that ‘s right, Maya is “sleeping over at Emily’s” for a few days, in an attempt to free herself from the depressing black hole that is the “Dead Girl’s home” her parents stupidly purchased (probably off some scam website).

But just when it seemed as though Emily was giving in to the Passions of the Maya, she received .  . . you guessed it . . .a text message from “A,” this one said: “Did you get a goodnight kiss?  Here’s one from me, XO.”  (You know, for a straight girl, Emily sure kisses a lot of ladies, not all of them necessarily still living.  Kinky!)

In the final moments of the episode, Spencer is out jogging, when she comes across Blind (?) Jenna, sitting on a park bench.  Apparently, Jenna is using a talk-to-text computer to deliver text messages to cell phones.  “Send text now,” commands Jenna, as she offers a sinister, if unseeing, look at Spencer.

Could Jenna be the mysterious “A” that has been torturing the girls for the past two episodes?

Tune in next week to find out . . . Until then, don’t let the Cane of Destruction hit you where the Good Lord split you . . .

10 Comments

Filed under Pretty Little Liars