Tag Archives: 2010 Oscars

For Your Lack of Consideration: A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “Inglorious Bassterds”

First “The Hurt Locket,” now “Inglorious Bassterds?”  Looks like SOMEONE on the writing staff has an Oscar fetish . . .

A LONG, LONG time ago (1993 to be exact), LONG before many Gossip Girl fans were even alive, let alone allowed to see R-rated movies, there was a film called Indecent Proposal.

The movie revolves around a young married couple (Demi Moore and Woody Harrelson), who lose their life savings during a game of roulette.  A wealthy older man (Robert Redford) swoops in to “rescue” the couple from financial ruin.  He offers to give the pair one million dollars (which was A LOT more money back then, than it is now).  The catch?  In order to receive the money, the wife must a spend one night with the older man.  You can probably guess what happens next.  But in case you’re curious, and your Netflix queue is already full, you can get a nice Cliff Notes-esque synopsis here.

Tonight’s episode of Gossip Girl was, in effect, a homage to this classic film, and a good one at that.  But before we delve into the tragic tale of Chuck and Blair, let’s get the less important stuff out of the way.  Shall we?

The Bitch is Back!

“Like I ever left . . .”

Just in case last week’s episode of Gossip Girl had the intended effect of making you feel sorry for Jenny Humphrey (what with her being roofied, and almost gang-banged, and all), tonight’s episode should bring you back down to reality.  It is Nate Archibald’s birthday.  So, his GF Serena is throwing him a bizarro surprise party that involves a bunch of rich snobs wearing Polaroid pictures of themselves around their neck (SO LAST SEASON!), and ripping them off one another, while playing an “intense” game of Assassin. 

Huh?  Since when did Gossip Girl get all prude and teetotaling on me?  OK, now maybe this is just because I’m not from the UPPER EAST SIDE.  But in my experience, birthday parties for 19 and 20-year olds typically involve attendees getting wasted and naked, not playing a glorified game of tag.  

“Assassin!  How fun!  Then, after that, we can play a rousing game of pin the tail on the donkey!”

Anyway, in order to maintain the birthday “surprise,” Serena has to institute that ever over-used television cliché of “let’s treat the birthday boy like crap, so he thinks we don’t care about him turning a year older.”  And, apparently, The Brilliant Nate has never watched a  sitcom in his life, because he TOTALLY falls for it!  So, when Jenny tries to use the “surprise” to her advantage, and plays the “I was roofied and almost raped.  Woe is me” card, Nate blows off Serena, and agrees to spend the day with Little J.  As a result, Nate shows up extremely late to his own “fun” party . . .

“We would have come earlier, Serena.  But I just couldn’t seem to get Nate out of bed . . .”

During the game of Assassin, Jenny and Nate are the last pair standing.  Jenny makes a show of waving the white flag, claiming that Nate is entitled to be a winner on his birthday.  However, when he comes to collect her picture from her neck, Jenny plants a sloppy wet one on his lips, and pulls his picture first, winning the game.  Nate reminds Jenny that he is Serena’s boyfriend, and that he and Jenny can only be “friends.”  But Jenny, being the psycho stalker determined girl that she is, refuses to give up hope that one day she will win her man.  Word of advice to Nate:  Cover your balls and hide your pet bunny!

Jenny Humphrey circa 2030 . . .

In other news, Vanessa and Dan’s plotline of the evening ACTUALLY involved an argument over whether they truly appreciated eachother’s writing abilities.  And then, at the end of the episode, Vanessa “betrays” Dan by applying to the same college program as him, without telling him that she is doing so.  Seriously?  I’ve seen more risqué plotlines on Sesame Street!

“Some people just wouldn’t know fun, if it jumped in the tub with them and squeezed their Rubbie Duckie.”

And now for the GOOD stuff!

If you recall, last week, the EEEEVVIL Jack Bass (played by Desmond Harrington) stole Chuck’s hotel (conveniently named “The Empire”) out from under his nose.  When the episode opens, Chuck approaches Jack, tail between his legs, willing to do ANYTHING to get back his precious building.  Money is no object, of course.  Unfortunately, what Jack wants is something, or rather, someone, that money can’t buy.  Or can it?

Later, at an expensive store uptown, Jack finds Blair eyeing a peacock-looking dress.  Jack informs Blair that he offered Chuck the hotel in exchange for a night with Blair (sound familiar?), but Chuck turned it down.  Jack explains to Blair that Chuck is too proud to accept his offer, and that only SHE can save the hotel for her boyfriend.  Blair initially balks at the idea, but reconsiders it, when Chuck tells her that his hotel is lost for good, and that he has no shot of ever getting it back.  When a package from Jack is delivered to Blair, later that evening, containing the peacock dress inside, Blair reluctantly puts it on, and heads off into the night.  Later, Chuck finds the empty box with the telltale letter inside, and immediately assumes the worst.

One peacock dress for one night spent with a pea-sized cock?

At the hotel, EEEVVIL Jack makes a show of attempting to seduce Blair, but she’s not having it.  She just wants to get this over with so Chuck can get his “Empire” back.  She issues Jack a contract, already signed by her, whereby Jack sells the hotel back to Chuck for a modest profit.  (Note to Blair:  Courts don’t look too favorably on contracts for which the main “consideration” is prostitution . . .  Just saying.) 

Blair makes Jack promise not to tell Chuck their secret.  (Yeah, because in the past, Jack Bass has been SUCH a man of his word.)

“You’re secret’s safe with me, Mistress Number 27!”

Jack agrees to Blair’s terms and signs the contract.  But he surprises her, by ending the engagement early, after doing nothing more than planting a chaste kiss on her lips.  WHAT?????  NO SEX???  NOT EVEN FROM EVIL JACK BASS?  CLEARLY, I AM WATCHING THE WRONG SHOW!

But this is when things really get interesting.  You see, according to Jack, CHUCK orchestrated this whole thing.  Jack claims that he forced Chuck to choose between the Empire and Blair.  And Chuck chose the EMPIRE!

By the look on Blair’s face, you could tell she TOTALLY believes Jack.  But my bullshit meter was going off the charts.    “He is so full of crap!  Don’t believe him Blair!”  I yell at my television, in vain.

What happens next, shocks the heck out of me.  Blair confronts Chuck and he . . . ADMITS THE WHOLE THING!  Chuck claims that he had to keep the terms of his agreement with Jack a secret, otherwise Blair never would have gone through with it.  Then, Chuck would not have gotten his hotel back. 

Blair, of course, dumps Chuck’s ass.  And Chuck is left alone with his Empire.  I hope Chuck got a lot of joy out having security escort Jack from the building, because something tells me, that’s the last time he’s going to experience any sort of pleasure for a LONG TIME!

Now, call me an idealist, but I’m still not entirely sure that Chuck actually DID agree to let Blair sleep with Jack.  Something about Chuck’s expression when he saw that empty dress box, told me that he was truly heartbroken over Blair’s decision.  It’s possible that Chuck lied to Blair in order to save his pride, because he couldn’t look at her, knowing all that she sacrificed for him.  I could be wrong.  But I HOPE I’m right . . .

Until next time . . . XOXO

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Taking Things SLLOOOOWW . . . : A Recap of Gossip Girl’s “The Hurt Locket”

 

Spotted: The most unintentionally relevant episode title EVER . . .

After all, there is no way the Gossip Girl writers could have possibly known, back when the script for this episode was being written, that a similarly titled film would go on to take home Best Picture, Best Director, and Best Original Screenplay awards at the Oscars, all by way of major upsets . . .

Or could they?

“I can see the future!  Now that’s what I’m TALKIN’ ABOUT, Willis!”

Tonight, we welcomed back our Upper East Side friends after a three-month hiatus.  Upon our return, we were treated to an episode about “taking things slow”  — an episode that, while not without its inherent sexiness and heartwarming moments, was . . . a little . . .  slow. 

Here’s what went down . . .

Reunited and it feels so . . . eh.

“Which one are you again?”

Remember a couple of episodes ago, when Serena was head over heels in love with Nate’s cousin, Tripp Archibald?  How about a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Carter Baizen?  Or a few episodes before that, when she was in love with Dan Humphrey?  Because Serena doesn’t seem to remember these things at all . . .

I wouldn’t mind so much, if the character just admitted to herself and the audience what she really is: a slut.  After all, there is nothing wrong with being a slut, per se.  Some of the greatest characters in television history were sluts!  For example, there was:

Blanche Dubois, from The Golden Girls;

Kelly Bundy, from Married with Children; and

Samantha Jones, from Sex in the City.

My problem with Serena is NOT that she is slutty.  But, rather, that she feels the need to justify her sluttiness by claiming that she is head over heels in love with every single man with whom she bumps uglies.  Her renewed relationship with Nate is no different. 

When the episode opens, Serena is on the phone with Blair, all hearts and roses about reuniting with Nate, after his time away from the city on vacation.  Blair cautions her friend about letting the “kitty out of the designer hand bag” too fast, if you catch my drift . . .

“Get your mind out of the gutter!  I was being literal!”

Blair urges Serena to take things slow, and play a little hard to get, so as to keep her blossoming relationship from going stale too quickly.  Unfortunately, Serena has about as much experience taking things slow, as she has with adding double digit numbers . . .

“Why bother learning to add when your boyfriends can do it for you?”

Serena is all set to disregard her friends sage advice, and head off to the Ambassadors Ball with her Beau- of-the-Week, when Nate, who has received similar “take it slow” advice from his buddy, Dan (Why anyone would take advice from HIM is beyond me!), disinvites Serena from the exclusive event.  Unaccustomed to being unceremoniously dumped, a pissed off Serena seeks revenge by asking a former beau from her “bad girl” boarding school days, Damien (more on him later), to be her escort to the ball.  A jealous Nate, who initially planned on attending the ball solo, ends up taking young Jenny Humphrey (more on her later too). 

 Hilarity ensues.  Long story short, Nate and Serena ultimately reconcile, and end up screwing in the coat check room (classy!), vowing never to take things slow again . . .

Now, I know I’ve just bashed the heck out of this storyline.  But I must say, these two were pretty hot together in that coat room.  No one ever said sex had to be smart to sell . . .

Make it Work, Pillheads!

Let me be the first to say, I like Jenny’s new beau, Drug Dealing Damien.  For starters, he bears an uncanny resemblance to Jared Leto, circa the mid 90s.

“Praise the Lord!  Jordan Catalano has been reincarnated, and returned to MY so-called life!”

Plus, I am always a sucker for a bad boy.  Up until this point, Chuck Bass more or less had the market cornered on redeemable bad assery on Gossip Girl.  And yet, as the series progressed, Chuck became increasingly well-behaved, leaving somewhat of a void in the series. 

While no one can match Ed Westwick’s deliciously deviant sexiness as Chuck, Kevin Zeger’s Damien follows in his footsteps quite nicely.  And I must say, even though Zegers looks a tad long in the tooth to be in a relationship with little Jenny, he and Taylor Momsen have good on-screen chemistry, something the actress never had with Chace Crawford’s Nate, in my opinion.

When the episode opens, Damien presents Jenny with a problem to solve.  You see, Damien has this gift box filled with expensive prescription medication and assorted designer drugs.  He needs to get these drugs to the daughter of the French Ambassador at Ambassador’s Ball, without getting narc-ed out by government security. 

Jenny, who is nothing if not resourceful, comes up with the “brilliant” idea of stitching the drugs into an item of clothing.  Suddenly, I am wondering whether I have inadvertently changed the channel, and stumbled upon a rather ill-conceived episode of Project Runway.

“This week, your challenge is to fashion a wearable garment made entirely out of pharmaceuticals.  Make it work, Designers!”

Although I loved Jenny’s idea in theory, her execution was a little off.  That pill-studded cropped jacket was the ugliest thing I have ever seen!  In addition to being completely grotesque, the jacket was also more than a tad dated, with its 80s era “bedazzled” pill sequins and high shoulder pads.

Heathers – The film that inspired Jenny’s jacket.

The original plan is for Jenny to wear the pill-filled jacket to the event, and switch it with the French Ambassador’s “sober” version of the jacket during the party.  The problem is that Damien, upon recalling what a whore Serena was back in boarding school, jumps at the chance to attend the party with her, instead of Jenny. 

At the ball, Damien has little trouble getting Serena into the ugly jacket, but finds himself in the unique situation of being unable to get her out of it.  Now, when even Serena Van der Woodsen won’t sleep with you, that’s pretty bad!

“Nice going, loser!”

With enough “I told you so’s” to buy a jacket that’s actually fashionable, Jenny ultimately comes to Damien’s rescue.  Finding the pilly jacket on the floor in the coat room (Serena and Nate tossed it there during their hard-core screwing session), Jenny instructs the coat check girl to make sure that its delivered immediately to its proper owner, the French Ambassador’s daughter.

Something tells me Little J’s foray into drug dealing will not be quite so easy the next time around . . .

Mamma Mia

Of course, my favorite storyline of the evening came from my favorite Gossip Girl couple, the always-intriguing and never dull, Chuck and Blair.  Every time these two are on screen with one another, I feel like I need to take a cold shower.  Unlike Serena and Nate, Chuck and Blair don’t need to be screwing to be sexy, the looks they give one another say it all . . .

I’ll admit that when the episode opened with Blair babbling about needing Chuck’s help to convince some snooty French dude to approve her charter for a “secret society” at NYU, I was a bit concerned.  How many episodes are going to revolve around Blair plotting to get herself into some pompous club or event?  Foruntately, Blair’s popularity “crisis” quickly took a back seat to Chuck’s identity one. 

If you recall, Chuck was told by his father that his mother died giving birth to him.  As if that wasn’t enough of a guilty burden for a young man to shoulder, Chuck was always convinced that his father held him personally accountable for his mother’s death.

Prior to the show’s Season 3 hiatus, when Chuck visited his father’s grave on the anniversary of the latter’s death, he found a woman there, equipped with his father’s favorite flowers(?) (must be a “rich guy” thing), and a locket with his father’s picture in it.  Said locket just so happened to be engraved with his mother’s first initial “E”.  Understandably, Chuck became obsessed with finding this woman. 

 Initially, young Bass’s pride kept him from admitting to Blair that he was investigating the source of the locket and its female wearer.  Yet, Blair, in a move that was surprisingly mature and altruistic for her often immature and self-absorbed character, recognized her boyfriend’s pain, and put aside her petty secret society bids, in order to accompany Chuck on his mission to find the owner of the locket.

When Chuck finds the woman, she denies being or knowing Chuck’s mother, despite the fact that her name also begins with an “E.”  The woman claims that the locket was something Papa Bass gave to all of his sexual conquests.  A heartbroken Chuck leaves the scene, but Blair stays behind.  In a speech that was both beautifully written and beautifully acted by Leighton Meester, Blair explains to the woman that she doesn’t buy her story.  She tells the locket owner that if she knows anything that can relieve Chuck’s guilt over his mother’s death, she owes it to Chuck to share that information.

Later a dejected Chuck comes to grips with the fact that he will probably never have a mother.  Blair gently comforts him, promising him that she will always be his family.  With Blair by his side, Chuck will never have to be alone.  What well-adjusted adults these two have become — quite a long way from the scheming and conniving Blair and Chuck of Season 1 (who I’ll admit, I miss a little bit). 

Still, I’m proud of these two.

At the end of the episode, we see the Locket Woman staring at yet another locket, this one containing a picture of her holding a baby.  With Blair’s poweful words fresh on her mind, the woman finally musters up the courage to contact Chuck on his cell phone, using a Blocked number.   

Oh . . . and I almost forgot . . . there was another, minor, storyline involving Dan’s dad, Rufus being mad at his new wife, Lily, for spending the night with her ex husband and then lying to him about it.  Unlike the mature Chuck and Blair, middle-aged Rufus decided to handle the matter like a jealous and horny teen, hopping into bed with a neighbor at the first possible opportunity, for a night of Revenge Sex.  Way to set an example for your children, Rufus!

“What do you expect from a guy with a dog’s name?”

Tune in next week, when Serena and Nate are sure to have more steamy sex, the heretofore absent Vanessa will likely make an appearance (zzzzz), and, hopefully, there will be plenty more Chuck/Blair scenes and Damien bad assery to drool over . . .

XOXO!

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Bad ABC! Walt Disney would not approve . . .

“I’m ashamed to be working for these people.”

When Walt Disney originally built the Disneyland Theme Parks, he didn’t want to charge any admission to them.  Rather, he wanted all families, regardless of income, to be able to enjoy the parks at their leisure, for free.  “Disneyland is a work of love,”  he said.  “We didn’t go into Disneyland just with the idea of making money.”

For this reason, Walt Disney would be absolutely appalled at the current conduct of its company, ABC.  The network has pulled its signal from the airwaves of millions of New York and Northern Jersey Cablevision customers.  ABC took this harsh action,  after it failed to reach an agreement with the cable company regarding ABC’s request for a $40 million fee increase.  The Evil Signal Snatching came about  this morning, just in time to deprive me and millions of other unhappy customers of the right to watch the Oscars on our television screens.   

It was like something out of a Disney movie, with the Walt Disney Company playing the role of villian . . .

“I don’t care about the viewers.  I just want my new FUR COAT!”

Ostensibly, ABC did this to light a fire under Cablevision’s ass, hoping that they would pay up or risk losing viewers.  (It sounds like extortion to me.)  But the real losers here are not Cablevision or ABC, but us, the fans, who will be forced to either watch the Oscars on our computer screens, or not at all.  And if this isn’t resolved soon, who knows what other programs we will miss!

ABC’s actions have shown that, unlike their founding father, Walt Disney, for the network, IT IS, in fact, just about the MONEY . . .

Shame on you, ABC!  Walt Disney is rolling over in his grave right now . . .

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