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Guys and Dolls – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ Summer Finale “Over My Dead Body”

HANNA:  “Man, those dolls are ugly!  Do you think they are going to crawl out of the box and try to bite our faces off?  Because I am way too pretty for that . . .”

SPENCER:  “Ummm . . . I don’t think this is that kind of show.”

EMILY:  “Are you sure?   But what about the time when A somehow entered my Alpha Bits box, and made sure it was made up of all letter ‘A’s’ . . . or the time when she INJECTED MY PAIN CREME WITH STEROIDS . . .And don’t even get me started on the time “A” SYSTEMATICALLY REMOVED Ian’s 175-plus pound dead body from the rafters of a church and carried it to who knows where, in a matter of seconds?”

ARIA: “You’re right.  The DOLLS ARE ALIVE!  EVERYBODY RUN!”

True Story . . . When I was about 8 or 9ish, I had a porcelain doll collection that I loved very dearly.  I just thought those dolls were the most beautiful things in the world.  They stayed on a shelf in my room.  I had names for all of them.  And I could spend hours just staring into their round little eyes, and perfect porcelain faces.

In my defense, the dolls in question looked absolutely nothing like these hideous plastic pieces of crap . . . 

Then, I became old enough to watch horror movies . . .  And those horror movies told me that, more likely than not, my doll collection was out to make me do terrible things and/or kill my family and friends and/or tie me to a piece of furniture, while systematically removing various body parts of mine.

So, while most teenagers and young adults were GROWING OUT of the fear that their inanimate objects possessed supernatural powers, I was GROWING INTO mine.  And that’s how my once-beloved porcelain doll collection ended up, first, in the hallway closet, and then, in my basement, and finally (when I moved out of my childhood home), in a box to be shipped off to the neighbors, forever.  (They were probably worth a lot of money too!)

So, what I’m basically saying is, if I was sent a doll in the mail that kind of looked like me, and told me to: stop a wedding, or travel to some desolate area for no good reason, whatsoever, or make somebody “go away,” I don’t think would follow its orders.  In fact, it’s much more likely that I would SMASH IT TO BITS WITH A HAMMER . . . and then go hide under my bed, for the rest of my existence . . .

Why am I telling you this?  Because that’s kind of how I felt about this week’s doll-centric PLL Summer Finale.  It both scared the crap out of me, and made me a little bit angry.  Yet, I was simply too intrigued about what was going to happen next to look away . . .

And so, before I go back to hiding under my bed, my Pretties, I would like to share with you my FINAL PLL recap of the summer season . . .

(By the way, special thanks to PrettyLittleLiarsFan.com for the screencaps you see here . . .)

Lawyer Up, Liars!

The episode begins with three of the four PLL girls (WHERE’S EMILY?) seated, at a long table with dresses on their bodies, pusses on their faces, and strategically-placed bits of dirt on their arms and cheeks.  (Only the PLL girls can take a thing like “having crap on your face” and make it look like “just another layer of foundation.”)  The room in question is the swankiest police interrogation room, I have ever seen  . . . complete with two-way mirror, fancy chandelier, and file cabinets, galore.  There even appear to be PICTURES ON THE WALL.  (Taxes in Rosewood must be SUPER HIGH to pay for this!)

“I’ll get you my Pretties, and your little boyfriends too!” 

Watching the PLL girls from the other side of the two-way mirror is (SURPRISE, SURRPRISE!) Police Boy Garrett.  Man, this guy is like a bad pimple!  No matter how many times you think he’s gone for good, he just keeps popping back up to ruin your social life!  Police Boy Garrett is having a Typical Smug Villain Conversation with Unseen Special Guest Star, who he says, will probably get a promotion for nabbing a bunch of underage chicks in frilly dresses, and mercilessly interrogating them for a murder that, supposedly, has already been solved.  (Remember how “Ian” “confessed?”  Well, apparently, nobody else does either . . .)

“muah hahaha! It looks like I got away with MURDER!  Oh wait . . . I didn’t kill Ali either  . . . and I’m also DEAD.  So . . . nevermind.”

Then Unseen Special Guest Star comes to pay the ladies a personal visit.  He informs them that homicide is a capital offense in the state of Pennsylvania.  And they are “going down.”  (Yes, he actually says “going down,” like someone out of a bad Spiderman comic book.)  Umm . . . yeah . .  . thanks for the little legal lesson, Unseen Special Guest Star.  But, as “tough on crime” as the Great State of Pennsylvania may be, I’m pretty sure homicide is a capital offense EVERYWHERE IN THE WORLD.  Just sayin . . .

It isn’t until the final seconds before the theme song starts playing, that we finally get a glimpse of Unseen Special Guest Star’s face.  And while his FACE is, in fact, very familiar, to us old-school PLL fans who’ve been watching the show since the beginning . . . I’d venture to guess that . . .umm . . . other parts of his anatomy are slightly more familiar to us . . .  You’ll see what I mean, in just a moment.

Who the f*&k is THIS GUY? 

OH!  Hi Deputy Douchey!  We’ve missed you! 🙂 

Shrinkypoo . .  . Where are YOU?

A helpful graphic on our screen informs us that time has magically rewound.  It is now twelve hours earlier than it was before.  Meanwhile, our eyes tell us that it is Aria’s turn to wear HER version of the off-the shoulder streetwalker-type outfit worn last week by Emily, and the week before by Spencer (which means, Hanna gets it next week.)  Coincidentally, Aria is also wearing a Snookie from Jersey Shore ponytail poof and oddly uncomfortable-looking door-knocker earrings, that are roughly the size of her entire face . . .

Anywhoo . . . somehow the girls have figured out where Shrinkypoo lives, and they are nosing around her house looking for her.  BUT SURPRISE!  She is NOT THERE, and, from the looks of it, hasn’t been there in quite some time!  (Where can she BE?)

Ever the voice of reason, Spencer informs the girls that it is very likely that “A” KILLED Shrinkypoo, since that’s pretty much what “A” does when people figure out his or her identity.  Spencer just hopes that “A” doesn’t send them all an annoying gloating text message about it, which is ALSO what he/she typically does in situations like this.  Lo and behold, a cell phone goes off, and Spencer, hilariously breaks the fourth wall, and gives a big middle finger to the writers for messing with her . . . or at least that’s what she WOULD have done, if she wasn’t on ABC Family.  But, since she IS on ABC Family, she just says, “That did NOT just happen.”

But happen, it did . . .

“Nice knowin ya, Shrinkypoo!  I’m off to get laid!” 

But don’t worry, my Pretties.  The mysterious message actually wasn’t from “A” for a change.  It was just Maya contacting Emily for a booty call.  (Unless, of course, you believe that Maya is actually “A” . . . which, you know, she might be.  Who knows?)

Lesbi-Friends? NAH!  Lesbi-LOVERS!

Emily and Maya are attempting to “get aquainted” in the bedroom (ahem).  But cockblock flowerblock Hanna can’t take the hint, and keeps needling Maya about what de-gaying camp was like (aside from being obviously ineffective, haha!).

“So, did you actually get to meet Michele Bachmann, or what?” 

Finally, Emily gives Hanna her best death stare, and forces her to leave the premises, IMMEDIATELY.  Hanna sheepishly complies, but not before awkwardly commenting on Maya’s new Tory Burch boots, much to Maya’s obvious discomfort.

 We all know how much Hanna just LOVES those damn Tory Burch boots.  Shrinkypoo had them too.  It’s what made Hanna decide to go into therapy.

I wouldn’t even bring this up.  However, there WAS a scene earlier this season, during which Gloved Hand purchased the same boots that Maya is wearing.  Does that mean Maya is definitely “A”?  Not necessarily, but I’d say it’s enough to make her yet another suspect . . .  Once they’ve kicked Hanna to the curb, Emily and Maya decide to start back as friends, until they “get to know eachother again.”  Meh!  “Knowing eachother” is overrated!  Let’s just get back to the Hot Sex, mmmkay?

Speaking of Hot Sex . . .

Oh BABY!

SPENCER: “So, do you think Facelift Vampire Jason covers up his windows so the sunlight doesn’t burn his skin?” 

TOBY: “Either that, or he must REALLY LIKE TO READ THE NEWSPAPER!”

SPENCER:  “Facelift Vampire Jason can read?”

“I am mesmerizing you with my vampire eyes, and new surfer boy haircut.”

Abs  Toby is screwing “hanging out” on Spencer’s bed again.  Of course, Spoby is relegated to screwing “hanging out” in Spencer’s house, and in the backseat of Abs Toby’s car .  . .

When Abs Toby’s car is a-rockin’, don’t come a-knockin! 

 . . .  because Blind Jenna frequents Abs Toby’s house.

Blind Jenna: preventing her brother from EVER having sex, one off-key note at a time . .  .

And everybody knows she has Evil Girl Crabs Policeboy Garrett Cooties, which NOBODY wants to catch, least of all Spencer.  Speaking of Abs Toby’s car, it apparently broke down, due to a release in breakline fluid, a car problem which just REEKS of “A” sabotage!

But Toby isn’t too worried about all that.  He’d much rather makeout with Spencer and talk about their future babies.  (WOW, Toby!  How Modern Male, of you.  Just be sure to use protection, so that you don’t end up on the next installment of MTV’s 16 and Pregnant: Rosewood Edition . . .)

TOBY: “If you’d just stop staring at Facelift Vampire Jason, we could start making babies, right now . . .” 

SPENCER:  “Must . . . stare at vampire eyes . . .  cannot . . . look . . . away (though, if you take off your shirt, I might be convinced).”

Abs Toby asks Spencer what she thinks their future kids would look like.  And Spencer, a girl after my own heart, can only think of ONE quality her kids will definitely have:  Abs Toby’s ABS!

Papa Spoby 

Baby Spoby 

What started out as an excellent conversation quickly turns into an uncomfortable one, when Toby begins interrogating Spencer about why her dad was randomly hanging out in Facelift Vampire Jason’s bedroom in the middle of the night.   (Blood exchange?)  Though he doesn’t at all deserve it, Spencer decides to remain loyal to her dad, and not tell Abs Toby about the whole, “My Dad changed Grandma DiLaurentis’ will” thing.  (Riiiiiight, because the guy who got MOLESTED BY HIS OWN STEPSISTER, wouldn’t understand at all what it’s like to have evil family members.)  But when Abs Toby doesn’t buy Spencer’s initial explanation (After all, Spencer Face is NOT the kind to EVER leave a room without getting the whole story, from EVERYONE SHE KNOWS.), she gets a bit testy with him.

“So, your gene pool includes a sociopathic dad, and a heinous b*tch of a sister.  At least our babies will be pretty!” 

Could this be the first sign of cracks in an otherwise perfect relationship?  Speaking of perfect relationships . . .

Hi Honey, Welcome Back!  I have Back Fat . . .

“Mmmmm . .  . back fat .  . . feels . . . squishy!” 

You know how, when you first get into a new relationship, you are always on your absolute best behavior, because you don’t want your new signficant other to know that you have mood swings, or fat days, or frizzy hair, or that you have a tendency to whine, when things don’t go your way?  Yeah . . . apparently Hanna and Caleb are WAAAAAAAAYYYYY past that!  I mean, here comes New-haircut Caleb, fresh from California, and his meeting with the Mom He Never Knew He Had . . . and there’s Hanna talking about puke, and back fat, and ugly dresses . . . three topics which are music to any boy’s ears!  Fortunately, Caleb is so horny, he could really care less.  So, he kisses her deeply, in hopes that she will shut the heck up, and bring him back to the bedroom .  . . or the shower . . . or the tent . . . if you catch my drift . . .

Welcome back, Caleb . . . We really missed your . .  . um . . . assets! 

In other relationship news . . .

Two is Company, and Jackie is a B*tch!

“So, let me get this straight.  I bought you an ENGAGEMENT RING.  And you bought me a cheap styrofoam cup of watered-down coffee from the teacher’s lounge?   Yeah, we’re totally even now.”

Fitzy’s lounging on his massive brown office couch, when Poor Man’s Megan Fox comes bounding by, holding two EXTRA GRANDE cups of coffee, where her boobs are supposed to be  . . .

“Hey there, Fitzy!  Check out my massively large jugs.   They are double S .  . . for Starbucks.” 

By the time Aria arrives with her, much more reasonably sized cups of coffee.  (Unlike Jackie, Aria doesn’t have to worry about Fitzy FALLING ASLEEP while THEY do the deed . . .), Jackie is already all over Fitzy like a bad case of poison ivy.

“I wonder if my massively large earring will fit around her neck.” 

Rather than interrupt this Moment, Aria decides to hang back and listen.  As it turns out, she needn’t have worried.  Fitzy rejects Poor Man’s Megan Fox’s advances SO HARD AND FAST, he practically leaves skid marks on her face!

But wait . . . we interrupt this not particularly sturdy Love Triangle to bring you (SURPRISE) another text from A  . . .

Annnnnnd the plot thickens . . . though, honestly, not by much, considering they showed us this clip in the Much Music promos for the episode.

Playing With Dolls

“Wow, FedEx must have charged a portion to ship THIS!” 

Time flies when you are having fun.  Now it’s only TEN HOURS before the first scene of the episode.  Apparently, sometime during that two-hour timeframe, “A” dropped off a massively large box in Spencer’s living room.  (It’s a good thing Spencer’s mom is never home, her sister left the show, and her dad is always chilling in Facelift Vampire Jason’s room, or someone might have gotten suspicious!)  Not surprisingly, there is no return address on the box.   Just THIS . . .

Is this the part where the creepy girl pops out and says “Seven Days?”  Wait, never mind . .  . wrong movie. 

The girls worry for a few moments that Shrinkypoo’s ear is inside the box.  And, admittedly, Shrinkypoo did have some elf-like ears!  But nope!  No ears or chick from The Ring are hiding in this box, just three ugly dolls . . . one for Aria . . . one for Hanna . . . one for Spencer . . . and NONE FOR EMILY (which, is really kind of RUDE, don’t you think?)

Someone needs to get these dolls a STYLIST, stat!  Last I checked, Pretty Little Liars do NOT wear muumuus!  Oh, and Hanna’s doll looks kind of sweaty . . . not to mention a bit chunkers.  Just sayin’

“What about me?  Where’s MY doll?  What am I, chopped liver?”

 So, here’s the skinny on these dolls.  They all talk funny, and apparently have pertinent instructions that the girls must follow in order to get back their Shrinkypoo . . .

Aria’s says, “Make Jackie go away,” thereby making Aria’s doll my favorite of the bunch!  (I concur, Aria’s doll!)  But Aria’s doll doesn’t come empty handed, she comes bearing gifts, specifically, evidence that Jackie COMPLETELY plagiarized a paper she is getting published on some French artist.  Spencer, who, herself is no stranger to plagiarism, breaks it down for her innocent friends to understand.

Hanna’s doll says “Stop the wedding,” making her my second favorite doll, if only because “stopping the wedding” means, maybe, not having to see that wench Kate, anymore .  . .

My least favorite doll is Spencer’s, who says, “Keep Toby safe,” an ambigious enough line that Spencer somehow interprets as “Dump Toby.”  Ummm . . .  jump to conclusions much, Spencer?

“Dammit!   Now, I’m going to have to have boring, non-six pack having chubby babies like everybody else!” 

Back in present time . . .

Aria Cries and Police Boy Garrett Lies . . .

“It’s so strange officer.  My blind wench of a girlfriend and I stole every single solitary copy of page 5 from Ali’s autopsy.  Page 5 of Ali’s autopsy is MISSING!  WOAH!”

So, remember how Spencer was searching for Ali’s autopsy, but Corpse Dude took the last page out of the records, so that she couldn’t find out, for certain, what murder weapon was used to kill Ali?

Well, it turns out that Corpse Dude may well have been Police Boy Garrett, who tells his superior that EVERY SINGLE COPY of Ali’s autopsy, including the one IN THE COMPUTER is conveniently missing it’s fifth page.  Yeah . . . Police Boy Garrett, like A, needs to get a life . . . seriously.   Meanwhile, Aria makes her “One Phone Call” to a Mystery Person, and blubbers to that person about how she made a “terrible mistake.”  Meanwhile, Policeboy Garrett listens on, twirling his invisible super villain mustache with glee . . .

“I made a really big mistake, by wearing this totally inappropriate skull necklace with my poofy ballet tutu of a wedding dress!  (But it’s supposed to signify that I used to be “goth.”  So, I guess it’s acceptable.) 

Now, we head right back to the past, where there are only SIX HOURS left until the present.  (Are you getting confused yet?  Because I sure am!) . . .

Jackie is Wacky! (And, possibly, on crack-y)

“How is it 2011, and you don’t even have a computer on your desk, Jackie?  Did you, perhaps, use Fitzy’s typewriter to plagiarize your paper?”

Following her doll’s instructions (yeah, it sounds weird to me too), Aria half-assedly confronts Jackie about her plagiarism, and tells her that she THINKS she should leave Hollis.  As I was hoping for a BIG ASS cat fight between these two brunettes, I was, honestly, kind of disappointed, and I think Aria’s doll would have been too.  Aside from not being particularly fun to watch, Aria’s so-called blackmail attempt ended up being ineffective.  SO, ineffective, in fact, that Poor Man’s Megan Fox arrived on Aria’s door step to blackmail HER, right back.  “Rat me out, and I’ll tell the administrators at Hollis about Fitzy’ affair with an underage student.”

Yeahhh Jackie, because THAT’S the way to get back into the heart of the man you supposedly love . . . by publicly accusing him of a pedophile and getting him FIRED from his dream job.  Good thinking, Ass Munch!

“If this was Jennifer’s Body 2: Jennifer’s Revenge, I would open up my big fat mouth and eat your brain for lunch . . “

Another hour has passed.  And it’s Hanna’s and Spencer’s turn to obey their dolls and screw up their lives . . .

Honesty?  What’s that?

It’s almost time for the wedding, and Hanna’s chilling in red robe, trying to figure out how she can stop it.  Enter Douchey Daddy, with his pep talk about how Hanna should accept her NEW mom, even though Douchey is still boning her OLD one.

Hanna wonders out loud why, if Douchey Daddy loves New Mommy as much as he says he does, is he still sleeping in Old Mommy’s bed, and playing Find the Salami with her? 😉  Douchey Daddy admits that when things are going well for him, he has a tendency to screw them up, before someone else gets a chance to do it for him.  Oh, don’t worry, Douchey Daddy!  Something tells me that THIS time, you will be able to just sit back, relax, and leave the screwing up to your daughter!

Speaking of screwing up, Spencer is hanging out in Abs Toby’s Death Mobile, ready and waiting to murder their relationship, one harsh word at a time . . .

Honestly, Spencer’s excuse for dumping Poor Tobs is pretty lame.  She, more or less, tells him that she was lying to him about what her father told her about Facelift Vampire Jason.  And, that she doesn’t feel comfortable sharing her Big Bad Family Secrets with him.  Like I said, NO ONE has creepier family secrets than Abs Toby!

It’s pretty obvious to me that there is NOTHING Spencer could tell Abs about her asshat father, that would make him think any less of Spencer.  Plus, I actually think that being honest, and WARNING Abs Man about “A,” would be a good a way as any to “keep him safe” and, you know, NOT HAVE HIM DIE and stuff.  But hey, it’s the finale.  And finales require drama, so . . .

“Spencer, don’t leave! What will I tell our extremely muscular future children?”

After half-assedly dumping Toby, Spencer rushes from the car, and has a mini-Soap Opera Style Nervous Breakdown, right next to a friendly old tree . . .

“I’m just so SAD, Mr. Tree!  Please, hold me .  . . Or, just stay there, and let me fondle your bark.  That works too.”

Watching Spencer attempt to win an Emmy Award is who else but DR WREN!  YIPPPEEEEE!  (Sorry Tobs!  I know you’re great for Spencer and all.  And I don’t think she should have dumped you . . . BUT I LOVE ME SOME WREN!)

YUMMY!

Wren, ever the sucker for a Damsel in Distress (He dated Whiny Melissa, after all), scoops Spencer up off the tree, gives her a cute little monogrammed hanky with which to carry her snot, and drives her home in his kickass, “I’m a doctor” car.  He then gallantly waits in her living room (because, AGAIN, her parents are NEVER HOME) while she prepares, for Douchey Daddy’s wedding.

Spencer comes downstairs in my favorite dress ever, and this is coming from someone who can take or leave many of Spencer’s outfit choices (Sweater Pony, and Over-the-Shoulder Denim, anyone?).  She then offers Wren back her snotty hanky, which HE TAKES . . . and RUBS WITH HIS FINGERS.  (Now THAT is LOVE, people!)

“Your boogers are beautiful, and so are you and so am I.”

“Why yes.  They are rather attractive boogers, if I do say so, myself.”

Talk about a Stand-up Guy!  Wren even advises Spencer to give Abs Toby another chance . . . or, as he cutely nicknamed him, “The Carpenter.”  (I love how slyly snooty that was of Wren!)  Wren then tells Spencer that he’s bbeen dying to kiss her, AND HE DOES!  AND IT’S ADORABLE!  AND I WISH I WAS ON THE OTHER END OF THAT KISS.  AND SPENCER DEFINITELY LIKED IT, EVEN IF SHE PRETENDED SHE DIDN’T.

“You have terrible timing,” notes Spencer guiltily, as she unraveles her tongue from Wren’s, the taste of his mint lip gloss, still on her lips.  (COME ON!  You just know a guy who carries around a hanky filled with his lover’s snot uses mint lip gloss.)  Wren agrees, and gently offers Spencer her wrap, as he escorts her to the wedding.  (By the way, who wants to bet that “A” somehow nabbed a shot of them kissing, and is going to send it to Abs Toby?  Just a hunch . . .)

Meanwhile, in car nearby . . .

DAMN YOU, GPS (And Creepy Pocahontas-looking doll)!

So, Emily, in your Alice in Wonderland Dress, I have a question for you . . . two, actually.  (1) If you have lived in Rosewood, all your life, and have, even during the course of this series, attended many events at its ONLY CHURCH, why do you need to use GPS to drive there?  We know your town isn’t that big?   (2)  I own a GPS.  And when I get to the point where my destination is RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET, I TURN IT OFF.  I don’t sit there and second guess the fact that I AM SEEING THE DESTINATION RIGHT BEFORE MY EYES, just because some computer says I’m wrong.  Why don’t you?  (OK, so that second one, was more of a criticism than a question, but still . . .)

Anywhoo . . . Emily’s GPS doesn’t want to take her to church.   It apparently, wants to take her and her NEW PASSENGER to some random barn . . . though I’m not sure whether it’s the same barn where Ali died, or Ian fake-died.  Note: I said NEW PASSENGER.  Because, apparently, Emily was so mesmerized by her GPS system, that she completely missed the fact that a BIG UGLY ASS DOLL climbed in the backseat of her car and hitchhiked the entire way to the church.

Look familiar? 

By the way, it occurred to me that “A” was taking was taking a mighty big risk, by not seatbelting Emily Doll.  I mean, think about it.  What would happen if Emily’s car stopped short, and Emily Doll tumbled onto the floor, before Emily could find her.  How would “A” terrorize Emily then?  More Alpha Bits?  Let this be a lesson to you, kiddies: ALWAYS WEAR YOUR SEATBELT!

Anyway, Emily’s Ugly Doll tells her that she will lead Emily to wear Shrinkypoo is supposedly being held hostage.  Not wanting more blood on her hands, Emily follows the Doll’s and GPS’s instructions, which lead her to a BARN, i.e. The Place Where PLL Cast Members Typically GO TO DIE!

Not surprisingly, Shrinkypoo isn’t actually in the barn.  In fact, all that’s there is a Toxic Murder Car (but not Toby’s).  By the time Emily realizes that she’s been duped into entering the Barn of Death it is too late.  The door has slammed shut in her face, and she is locked in.

“Hey!  You can’t do this!  I’m signed on as a series regular for Season 3.” 

Emily eventually asphixiates and passes out.  When she “wakes up,” she finds herself in a dirty sex dream with Dead Ali . . .

 

Source
(Well, technically, Emily is still single, since her and Maya are “just friends.”  So, I guess she’s not too big of a Dream Slut.)

With the barn, and the frilly dresses, and the cryptic speeches by friends past, I suspect that Emily’s dream is kind of what a modern-day Wizard of Oz would look like, if the Wizard of Oz was turned into a gay porno.   In the dream/hallucination, Dream Ali also says that she misses Emily the most, proceeds to make out with her, and offers to stay with her in Purgatory forever.   (What is this Lost?)

Ali also annoyingly tells Emily that she knows who “A” is, but, of course, can’t tell her.   (Well, could you at least tell US, Ali?  Because I’m dying to know.)  In fact, in her lame argument as to why she can’t reveal “A’s” identity to Emily, Dead Ali actually quotes the show’ theme song, telling Emily that “only two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.”  And yet, one of them (Ali) IS dead . . . so, based solely on the song, I don’t get why Ali couldn’t tell Emily the secret.  Unless . . . of course, she ISN’T . . .

While Emily is dream humping / playing Guess Who with Ali, Hanna is at her dad’s wedding, causing trouble . . . as per usual.

The Back Fat Returns . . . The Bride Does Not . . .

“Just think.  You and I could get married here, one day.  Our future babies wouldn’t have as good abs as the Spoby kids.  But they are sure to be able to hold their liquor, be good with their hands (ahem) . . . and will probably have really nice hair.” 

While Aria and Spencer worry about what the heck is taking Emily so long  (She’s busy having Hallucinatory Sex with Dead Ali, guys!  CHILL OUT!) , New Hair / New Attitude Caleb is trying to calm down a very-uptight-about-the-wedding-for-good-reason Hanna.  The pair are approached by AWFUL Kate, who makes a snide comment about Hanna’s Hangover, before the latter excuses herself to make a phone call.  Of course, Kate wastes no time, trying to dig her claws into Caleb, by complimenting him on his snazzy suit (which, I assume his new-rich Mom bought or him).

“You have big hands.  And you know what they say about guys with big hands, don’t you?  They also have . . . big feet.” 

Fortunately, just like Fitzy before him, Caleb, is, apparently, a one-man-woman.  And he lets Kate know this in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS, by . . . telling her that SHE HAS BACK FAT!

Just in case you were wondering about who was calling Hanna, it was Caleb . . . to tell her about that AWESOME BACK FAT JOKE.  Just kidding . . . it was “A” . . . AGAIN . . . reminding Hanna that SOMEONE is running out of air.  *groans*

It’s Wedding Time . . .  The bride and groom are front and center.  (But the bride’s hair looks more appropriate for a morning workout, than an afternoon marriage.)  Hanna stands in her place as bridesmaid, behind Awful Kate . . . watching . . . waiting.  Finally, she makes her decision, awkwardly asking to speak to the bride ALONE . . .

AWKWARD! 

Even Awful Kate seems curious as to how this all is going to go down.  Soon-Not-To-Be-New-Step Monster Isabel, heads off to confer with her Soon-Not-to-be-Step-Daughter, who promptly tells her that Douchey Daddy, and Mama Marin recently horizontal mambo-ed together.

The bad news is .  . . your marriage is over.  The good news is . . . your new dress is WAY prettier than your pukey old one.  Perhaps, you can wear it to your next weddding. 

Of course, Daddy Dearest has overheard the whole conversation, and is unable to deny any of it.  (That will teach you to put your weiner where your mouth is, Tom.  Wait . . . that didn’t come out right.)

Stepmonster Isa-hell storms off.  And Hanna futilely asks her dad for forgiveness, but he can’t even look at her.  (I guess the concept of “honesty is the best policy” just doesn’t apply in the Marin Household.)  Ring, ring.  It’s another text message from “A.”  It’s the address of the infamous barn.  I wonder if the rest of the PLL girls will need GPS to get their like Emily did . . . I’m guessing not.

Dig a Little Deeper . . .

“Dude?  Why are you naked?  What did Dream Ali do to you?” 

Emily awakens to find her gal pals watching over her.  Apparently, “A” had enough sense to pull Emily out of the barn, before she DIED OF CARBON MONOXIDE POISONING.  (How sweet of her/him!)  Emily tells the girls that she was with Alison, and that their so-called Dead Friend is still alive.  She can still feel the Queen Bee’s lips on hers.  Of course, the PLL girls just assume that she was hallucinating, which she may very well have been.

Then Emily notices a shovel leaning up against the barn, that wasn’t there before  . . . a shovel with latitude, longitude coordinates attached to it . . .

Would YOU be able to follow those coordinates? Because, I’m not shy to admit that I would have NO CLUE how to go about doing that.  Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on how you look at it), Spencer is smarter than I am, and leads the rest of the girls to the spot in question, where they quickly find a recently dug shallow grave.  UH OH!

“You mean, they want us to get on our HANDS AND KNEES?  In THESE DRESSES .  . . just to save some boring old shrink.  You know, now that I think about it, I didn’t like Anne Sullivan all that much.  Did you?” 

The decidedly unfemine nature of their task aside, the girls begin to dig.  Hanna freaks out, when she finds those Tory Burch boots she recognizes as Shrinkypoo’s!  (UY!  Again with the friggin BOOTS!  ENOUGH!)  Then they uncover what INITIALLY looks like a face, but is actually just an ugly clown mask . . . oops.

Wow, Shrinkypoo!  You sure are pale! 

Cue the lights, and the helicopters.  . . wait . . . WHAT?  Oh yes, that’s right, boys and girls.  As it turns out, “A” set up the PLL girls, with an “anonymous” tip to the cops, in relations to the supposedly solved Ali’s murder . . . and the NEW suspects have a LOOOOOONG night ahead of them . . .

“Aria, hide me!  I don’t want the police to see my back fat.” 

ANSWERS!  (FINALLY!)

“I’m so glad Spencer is my daughter!  I get so much legal work from you girls!”

At the police station, the PLL girls’ family and friends are coming out to support them, in droves . . .  Abs Toby is there in a snazzy purple button down shirt, that wouldn’t look at all out of place at a disco, circa 1975.  (Apparently, he and Spencer share a fashion sense.)  “I LOVE YOU!  I LOVE YOU, SPENCER!”  He screams out like a loon, as the cops pull his crazy ass away.  (Ahhh  . . . young love!)

In the decidedly LESS young love department, Fitzy has arrived, since, I assume, HE was the one Aria used her “One Phone Call” to contact.  And in an unintentionally hilarious scene, Aria’s mom rushes over to lecture him about SLEEPING WITH SPENCER.

“Hey, it could be worse.  I could be having sex with YOUR daughter!  Oh . . . wait a minute . . . I AM!”

Throughout most of the conversation, Fitzy assumes Judgy Mama Montgomery is talking about HER OWN daughter, Aria (Otherwise, why the hell would she care so much, right?).   So, he’s trying to protect himself, by assuring Mama Montgomery JUST HOW MUCH HE LOVES “HER.”  And yet, that just digs Fitzy in EVEN DEEPER, considering that his words only serve to bolster Mama Montgomery’s belief that Fitzy is actually screwing Spencer.  It’s like a “Who’s on First?” Skit, but instead of baseball players, we are talking about underage girls! 😉

Elsewhere, Facelift Vampire Jason (who is conveniently dressed, in BLOOD red, by the way) has an intimate conversation with Papa Hastings, that pretty much confirms what most of us had always assumed . . . that Vamp Man is actually Papa Hastings’ son, and Spencer’s HALF-BROTHER, a Deep Dark Secret about which Mama Hastings is apparently not yet aware because she’s never home long enough to figure these things out.  This, of course, better explains why he’s been making googly eyes with Ali’s mom, hanging out in Vamp Man’s BEDROOM late at night, and manipulating Dead Grandma’s will to make Vamp Man look less guilty . . .

I can see a family resemblance, can’t you? 

Elsewhere in this VERY CROWDED police station, Police Boy Garrett and Blind Jenna rejoice over / take credit for doing the following things:

(1) being completely nauseating and totally unlikeable individuals who no one would possibly sleep with, except for one another (Abs Toby doesn’t count, because he was raped.)

(1) setting the PLL girls up to get “fingered” for Ali’s murder, this week.

(2) stealing the elusive “Page Five” of Ali’s autopsy report

(3) writing the letter that made Facelift Vampire Jason think that HE killed Ali, when he didn’t

(4) being present at the time of Ali’s murder (and possibly committing it, though that was never explicitly said)

Speaking of Page 5, we finally learn from Deputy Douchey (who was reinstated to the force, thanks to his “remarkable breakthrough” in the Dead Ali case) what was on it: a specific description of the murder weapon used to kill Ali.  And, I bet you will never guess what it was!  I’ll give you a hint, YOU CAN DIG WITH IT!

Personally, I think a shovel is a BORING murder weapon.  I much preferred the Hastings Hockey Stick . . . But that’s just me. 🙂 

It’s GLOVED HAND TIME!  ZZZZZZZZZZ!   YAY! 

Meanwhile, at a rundown coffee shop, a decidedly alive Shrinkypoo angrily takes some blackmail photos from Gloved Hand / “A”, telling her or him that she did exactly what was asked of her, and is now FREE, to be left alone, dammit.  (Note: Since, Shrinkypoo was ALONE, when she first learned of A’s identity, we can assume that she wasn’t in on this the WHOLE TIME.  Rather, it seems more likely that “A” had blackmailed the doctor, AFTER she had already pieced together the clues . . .)

“You couldn’t have found us a nicer place to meet than THIS dump?  I’ve eaten at McDonalds that were classier!  I wear Tory Burch boots, for crying out loud.” 

Anywhoo, after Shrinkypoo storms off in a huff (probably with naked pictures of herself that she didn’t want leaked onto the internet, or something), Gloved Hand “chats” (It never speaks, of course) with a waitress, who offers her coffee and pie, and calls her (or him) “Pretty Eyes.”

The most obvious suspect for Pretty Eyes is Blind Jenna, of course . . . since we already know she HAS THEM . . .

Interestingly enough, I’m pretty sure the actress who plays Blind Jenna, Tammin Sursok, is wearing colored contacts in this scene, which would pretty much cinch her as the culprit.  On the other hand, considering how much Blind Jenna and Police Boy Garrett have already admitted to doing on this show, wouldn’t the reveal of Blind Jenna as “A”, be a bit underwhelming, especially considering that she was OUR VERY FIRST SUSPECT, back in Episode 2?

I guess we will just have to wait until this winter to find out. . .

Until then, feel free to sound off in the comment section about what you thought of the season, in general, and the summer finale, specifically.  Who do you think is “A?”  Who killed Ali?  And most importantly, would you let a sexy stud like Wren hold on to your snot hankie?

I’ll see you in October for the Halloween Special, My Pretties!  You can check out the trailer for it here . . .

Tata, for now!

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Pretty Little Liars’ Season 2 Summer Finale – We’re Liveblogging It!

ARIA:  “Don’t look now.  But I think someone’s watching us.”

HANNA:  “Well, of course, someone is watching us!  It’s ‘A’.  ‘A’ is always watching us!  Where exactly have you BEEN these past two seasons, Aria?”

ARIA: “Ummm . . .  in Fitzy’s pants?”

HANNA: *rolls eyes*

EMILY: “Uhhh . . . guys . . . I don’t think it’s ‘A,’ this time.  I think it’s those Recapper Girls.   I heard they are doing a liveblog on us.”

SPENCER: “A LIVEBLOG?!  No one does a LIVEBLOG on us, and gets away with it.  They MUST BE STOPPED!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  As you know, tomorrow marks the last episode of PLL, before the show heads into its interminable Fall Hiatus . . .

But don’t worry!  My pal, Sassyfran, over at Random Recaps and I have decided to send this show off, in style, with a LIVEBLOG!

What the f*&k is a liveblog, and what does it have to do with ME?”

Well, I’m glad you asked, Spencer!  A liveblog is kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about the PLL Mid-Season Finale with other fabulous fangirls (and boys), like yourself, while the show is airing.

Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

 Yeah . . . not that kind of work, Hanna.  I was thinking more along the lines of . . . you know . . . TYPING and stuff!

In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!) . . .

. . . Sassyfran and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part.

Of course, if you miss the liveblog, and want to check it out, after the episode airs, you can do that too!

“This is very suspicious.   We are going to have to investigate this.” 

For those of you who have never taken part in a liveblog before, here’s an example of one we did for The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 finale, back in March.

Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.

Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources – or the necessary legal approval – to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!  (You still like us, anyway . . . don’t you?)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Pretty Little Liars’ Mid-Season Finale with a couple of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of snarky commentary, wild plot speculation, and Abs Toby . . .

CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. (Eastern Standard Time) on Tuesday, August 30th!

Until then, feel free to watch (and rewatch, and rewatch . . .) this ABC Family preview for PLL’s Summer Finale episode (which, by the way, is entitled, eerily enough, “Over My Dead Body”) . . .

And here’s a Sneak Peek from the Upcoming Episode.  (Shrinkypoo!  Where are YOU?)

See you tomorrow, My Pretties!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under Pretty Little Liars

Puck-er Up! It’s Valentine’s Day! – A Recap of Glee’s “Silly Love Songs”

Ahhhhh, February 14th!  It’s that time of year when hearts go a-flutter, and boys’ bank accounts go a-bust.   On this day, all convenient stores, as a rule, must look like they’ve been vomited on by Love Bunnies; and every television channel suddenly resembles Lifetime, Hallmark, or Oxygen.  It’s the day when I always eat too many of those, let’s face it, REALLY NASTY, Conversation Hearts, and am rewarded for doing so, with Massive Tummy Trouble.  It’s a time of hope, a time of anticipation, a time of  . . . intense nausea. 

Of course, I’m talking about Valentine’s Day . . . or, as I like to call it, Singles Awareness Day . . .

But don’t let the cynicism of the above paragraph fool you.  Because, beneath my snarky bluster, and rough exterior, lies a Deep Dark Secret.  And here it is:  I have a real soft spot in my heart for the lovey-dovey, ooey-gooey, mushy-gushy, sappy sweetness, of Valentine’s Day-themed television episodes.   And, for this reason, I ADORED Glee’s most recent  installment, “Silly Love Songs” (also . . . Puck was in it A LOT, which is always a good thing, in my book).

Be my Valentine, you Crazy Mohawk Man, YOU!

So, what are we waiting for Gleeks, let’s get SAPPY!

Puck Spells Woman “Z-I-Z-E-S” (and I spell CRAZY, “P-U-C-K”)

“I know I’m supposed to be staring at Lauren Zizes.  But, deep down, I can’t stop thinking about a certain TV Recapper . . .”

OK, Confession Time!  So, earlier this week, in response to a comment someone left me on my recap of the Glee Superbowl Extravaganza Episode, I MAY have noted that I love Puck as a character SO MUCH that I’d be willing to see him couple with any castmember, provided that doing so allotted him the increased screentime he so richly deserves.  ANYONE . . . I said . . . EXCEPT LAUREN ZIZES . . .

Do you ever get the feeling that your favorite television shows are MOCKING you?

When the episode begins, our resident Bad Boy, Puck, is all piney over a certain Full-Figured Woman, with whom he spent LESS than Seven Minutes in Heaven, swapping spit in a closet somewhere, pre-hiatus . . .

No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes.

Having decided that Lauren is precisely the dessert he wants to enjoy, after his Valentine’s Day Dinner No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes he decides to court his lady love, by giving her a Box of Chocolates No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, No Fat Jokes, and proposing to her with a RING POP You’re KILLING ME HERE, Puck!

“This is a Promise Ring Pop.  It represents the Duration of Our Love.  I’m yours, until the last lick.  Because Diamonds may be Forever, but Artificial Flavoring tastes better . . .”

To Puck’s advances, Lauren typically responds by spouting out REALLY ANNOYING lines from rap and R&B songs of the late 90’s and early 00’s.  Some of these “gems” include, “I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly,” and “you better check yourself, before you wreck yourself,” and “you best, stand corrected.”  Honestly, the whole time I was watching, I kept waiting for her to whip out a line from Sir Mix A-lot’s CLASSIC Rump Shaker, “I Like Big Butts.”  Unfortunately, she never did . . .

Excellent Opportunity for Hilarity = Wasted

But Lauren’s increasingly rude rejections of the Puckster only served to fuel the Righteous Flames of Love burning in his pants (Then again, maybe that was just his STD talking.).  So, when Mr. Schuester invited the Glee kids to perform songs that embodied their feelings about love, Puck surprised EVERYONE by rocking out to Queen’s Fat Bottomed Girls

“Left alone with Big Fat Fatty.  She was such a Naughty Natty.  That Big Woman made a Bad Boy out me,” Puck crooned, so VERY inappropriately, as he did this move with his crotch that I can only liken to the movement one makes when riding one of those quarter-operated Electric Horses you find outside your local Super Market . . .

You GO Puck!  RIDE THAT PONY!  (And no, I intend that as a Fat Joke . . .)

You can check out ALL of Puck’s X-rated moves, by clicking on the internal link below . . .

“I’ve never been serenaded before . . . and it made me feel like crap,” Lauren pouts.

You know who else was feeling like crap after Puck’s song?  ME!  Santana!  After all, she’d paid many a quarter to ride Puck.  And yet, she seems to be the ONLY Glee girl that he’s never serenaded.  Hey, remember when Puck decided he “loved” Rachel and sang “Sweet Caroline” to her, because Neil Diamond is Jewish, and so is she?

How about when Puck sang “Beth” to Quinn, because that’s what he thought she should name her daughter, to whom he was the Baby Daddy?

Or when he sang that Sammy Davis Jr. song to Mercedes because .  . . Do I really have to go there?

Well, apparently, Santana remembered ALL OF THESE MOMENTS, and the fact that she wasn’t involved in any of them, made her feel mighty unloved . . .

So, she buys herself some jewelry from Jared, and tries to slap Puck with the receipt. 

(Nice product placement there.  But wouldn’t it have been better if we  . . . I don’t know . . . actually saw the jewelry?)

But Puck’s not biting, because there is only room in his heart for one BIG woman.  So, he rejects Santana’s pint-sized patootie, in favor of something a bit more.  . . meaty.  Unfortunately, for Santana, her day is about to get about TEN TIMES worse.  As luck would have it, Lauren arrives on the scene, just as Santana is calling her a White Whale.  And, let’s just say, Fat Bottomed Girl is NOT PLEASED!

Santana talks a good game about being from the “mean streets” of Lima Heights Adjacent.  But those of us who watched the Britney / Brittany episode know she’s really a doctor’s daughter, who is able to afford boob implants, and $1000 hair extensions.  So, of course, Wrestler Lauren knocks the silicone right out of her.  Watching this makes Puck practically orgasm with excitement.  So, he BEGS Lauren to go with him to Olive Garden Breadsticks, which is apparently the ONLY RESTAURANT IN TOWN, the night before Valentine’s Day.

But Lauren actually has the gall to STAND HIM UP!

B*TCH IS CRAZY!

So, Puck makes out with a Random Chick, which makes me kind of happy, because I too, am a Random Chick . . .

Just when it seems as though all hope is lost for this Head Scratching Mind Boggling Completely Bizarre Adorable Couple (YIPPEE!  Make it stop!  Make it stop!), the next day, Lauren FINALLY agrees to go out with Puck to . . . you guessed it Breadsticks again, provided he agrees to take their relationship slow.  (A part of me just died, typing that sentence.)

And in that moment, all of my hopes to become a random extra on Glee, and get to make out with Mark Salling/Puck in the Olive Garden “Breadsticks” parking lot were irreparably shattered . . .

But, hey, at least there’s still a shot at me kissing Finn (Why not?  He kisses EVERYBODY ELSE!) . . . once the Mono goes away, that is!

Quinn and Sam = Finn-ished?

“Oh, come on!  Don’t dump me NOW!  Aren’t you the least bit curious, what would happen if Barbie and Ken procreated?  Our babies would be heralded by science, as the blondest, most blandly perfect looking infants on the planet!”

If you watched the Glee Super Bowl Extravaganza Episode, you know that Finn and Quinn played tonsil hockey, with one another, during its final moments.  Well, this week’s episode finds Finn wanting a rematch . . .

Operation Get into Quinn Febray’s Panties is A GO!

So, Finn comes up with the incredibly douchey very generous idea of running a Kissing Booth, where people pay a dollar to suck his face for five seconds.  (Ladies, buy gum, instead . . . it’s cheaper, and longer lasting.)  Proceeds from the lip locks will go toward the Glee Club budget.  Way to take one for the TEAM, Finn!

Our favorite (and by “favorite” I mean “only”) New Directions star / McKinley High Quarterback figures that do-gooder Quinn won’t be able to resist kissing him for a Good Cause.  And then, once she’s tasted those Dorito-covered lips of his, she’ll no longer be able to resist his social awkward bumbling personality intense charms.

But Quinn REFUSES to kiss Finn.  And she tells him as much, when she visits him at the kissing booth.  And yet, the hardcore eye f*&king she gives him, while she’s saying this tells a different story entirely . . .

Needless to say, Quinn’s Macauley Culkin Doppelganger Boyfriend, does not take this well . . .

Sam really showcases his “massive intelligence,” by convincing his girlfriend to KISS Finn, in order to prove that she isn’t attracted to him. 

“I’m CRAP with the ladies, and even I know that’s a TERRIBLE idea!”

“I’m pretty, but I ain’t dumb,” Sam insists, by way of explanation.  (I hate to break this to you Sam, but “dumb” is precisely what you are.)

Don’t feel bad, Sam.  Stupid people get the best lines on this show!”

So, while Sam watches intently (because THAT’s not creepy at all), Finn and Quinn lock lips a second time . . .

Only, THIS TIME, this happens . . .

Thrilled by the prospect of Another Opportunity to Cheat on a Boyfriend Harlot Barbie makes plans to meet Finn in the auditorium the following evening. 

But things take a dark turn for these two naughty humans, when Santana notices that something is going on between them . . .

“Finn only gets that Gassy Infant Look, when he’s feeling guilty about something,” Santana notes astutely . . .

Source

Noticing that Quinn is also looking particularly gassy today, Santana eventually puts two and two together, and decides that the Happy Pair are having an affair.  So, what’s an Evil Temptress, who’s just been rejected by Puck, and called a Raging B*tch by her entire class, to do?  This sounds like a job for . . .

The Slutty Pedophile Candy Striper from Outer Space!

 So, Santana, who’s supernaturally whorish charms have apparently earned her some bizarro immunity to mononucleosis, “I’ve had Mono so many times, I’ve turned it into stereo,” heads to the local Elementary School in search of Man Meat.  She then quickly (and conveniently) finds a prepubescent Mono sufferer, aggressively ambushes him, and shoves her tongue down his throat . . .

I’m pretty sure this is illegal in about 15 states.  Little Stewie Woodcock doesn’t seem to mind too much, however.

Did you ever see the movie Species, where Natasha Hendstridge plays this sexpot alien who lures men into her bed, starts screwing them, and then, at the last moment, totally ALIENS OUT, and rips their bodies to shreds?  Well, that’s kind of the feeling I got watching Santana “work her magic” during this episode.  Evil Ho Bag then attacks Finn with her germy tongue at the kissing booth, and her work here is done.

Now, all she has to do is wait for Finn and Quinn to have their little rendezvous . . .

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The very next day, since Santana’s alien Mono-Spreading Powers apparently also speed up the victim’s display of symptoms, both Finn and Quinn are wearing A LOT of pasty white face makeup looking and feeling extremely ill . . .

Santana helpfully explains that both of their symptoms seem suspiciously similar to Mono, something you get from TONGUE KISSING . . .

Sorry Sam!

(By the way, those of you who ended off this episode, feeling sorry for Sam, can take heart.  Something tells me he won’t be alone for long .  . .

Source

. . . me thinks our main man, Macauley, has some serious Mono / Stereo in his future.  Way to go, Samtana!)

While lying in the nurse’s office together, Quinn wisely notes to Finn that the last time she cheated on her boyfriend (which was FINN, by the way) she got knocked up, and this time, she got Mono.  Perhaps, the Universe is trying to tell her something ( . . . like that Harlot Barbie will be discontinued by Mattel, if she doesn’t straighten up, and fly right).  But Finn doesn’t care how slutty and tempermental Quinn is,  he wants to bang her ANYWAY!

“Pssst . . . the nurse won’t be back for another twenty minutes.  What do you say, we push these two cots together, and try to get you pregnant?  You can tell Sam it’s his . . . wait . . . why does this so sound so familiar to me?”

Quinn, however, refuses to make monkey with Finn, until she figures out her true feelings Macauley Culkin (She loved Home Alone, but hated Home Alone 2.  Quite the conundrum!), and HE figures out his feelings for Rachel.

Speaking of Rachel . . .

Rachel Sings a Love Song . . . to Herself (Then again, isn’t that what ALL her solos are?)

“Will YOU be my Valentine, hairbrush?”

Poor Rachel!  She’s been hung up on Finn since he dumped her ass on Christmas for hooking up with Puck.  This would be fine, if she ACTUALLY got to hook up with Puck.  However, Puck had to go and grow a conscience on her.  Leaving our poor heroine, both alone, and UNLAID. 

“What’s a girl to do?”

Nothing if not creative (She says, sarcastically), Rachel’s big plan for winning back Finn’s heart is . . . wait for it . . . to KISS HIM AT THE KISSING BOOTH.  You know, like EVERY OTHER GIRL IN SCHOOL.  Unfortunately, when Rachel does finally make it to the booth, dollar in hand, Finn greets her with . . . a peck on the cheek . . .

“W . . . T .  . .F!”

When Rachel confronts Finn about his cheeky ways, he offers her the Gold S tarnecklace he planned to give her during Christmas, conveniently advising her that she should stay single until he gets bored with Quinn and decides he wants her again, because she is such a STAR, that being saddled to a lame-o high school boy (like him) might weigh her down.  

“You need to shine.  Just because I can’t be with you because I’m boning Quinn, doesn’t mean I don’t believe in you,” Finn said sweetly.

It was a good line, one that I might have found touching, if it wasn’t coming out of the mouth of such a Hypocritical Douchebag . . .

Douchey-ness aside, Rachel is at Sick Finn’s bedside, while the Poor Boy suffers from Santana’s Supernatural Mono strain . . .

Rachel blathers on a bit about how much prettier Quinn is than her.  (Umm, honey, you’re both on TV, so stop pretending your not hot, K?)  She then asks Finn what kissing Quinn was like.  He tells her it made him see Fireworks.  (Asshat!  Why the f*&k did he have to tell her that?)

“Did you see fireworks, when you kissed me?”  Inquires the Glutton for Punishment.

LIE FINN!  LIE!  SHE CLEARLY WANTS YOU TO LIE!

Finn almost imperceptibly shakes his head.

YOU SLIMY BASTARD!

Rachel responds to Finn’s announcement, by thanking him for not giving HER Mono too.  You see now that she has no other options, Rachel realizes that being single is the best way for her to focus on her path toward Super Stardom.  To emphasize this New Discovery, Rachel chooses Katy Perry’s “Firework” as her lovesong . . . to herself.

You can watch Rachel sing about how badly she wants to tongue kiss herself, by clicking the internal link below . . .

Meanwhile, over at Dalton Academy . . .

Jeremiah Was a Bull Frog.  (i.e. The Best GAP ad EVER!)

Kurt and Blaine are stepping out together for a little coffee break.  Blaine tells Kurt he’s a card-carrying member of the I Heart Valentine’s Day Club.  As it turns out, Kurt’s not a big fan of V-day.  But he’s a HUGE of Blaine, particularly when Kurt realizes that Blaine knows how he takes his coffee and what his favorite sexual positions are.  When Blaine makes mention of wanting to show his newest Man Crush his true feelings, Kurt immediately becomes certain that Blaine is referring to HIM.  (Those of us, who saw the advance release clips from this episode, however, knew the Poor Guy was DEAD WRONG!)

Back at school, Blaine tries to convince his fellow Hogwarts Wizards to (gasp) leave the school grounds on a Romantic Pilgrimage to the Gap.  The Warblers are understandably horrified by his request . . .

“We are not safe in the outer world!  What if Lord Voldemort finds us?”

Fortunately for Blaine, Kurt ultimately convinces the Warblers to “step outside their comfort zone,” using one of his “When I was a New Directions Gleek” stories that I am SURE his fellow acafellas are forced to listen to EVERY SINGLE DAY.

“This one time . . . at Glee Club . . . I stuck a flute up my . . .”

And yet, when Kurt realizes that Blaine was NOT in fact, planning to sing to him, but, rather to some GAP manager named Jeremiah, he can’t help but wish he wasn’t so gosh darn persuasive.  Nevertheless, thanks to a Sweet Slumber Party, some hair braiding, and a whole lot of  SERIOUS Girl Talk with Gal Pals Mercedes and Rachel, Kurt ultimately decides to “be a man” and, be there to support Blaine, during his Mall Serenade . . .

Here comes my FAVORITE musical number of the evening!  Now, those of you who read my Superbowl Recap may recall that I was a bit harsh on Blaine and the Warblers, due to their awkwardly robotic dancing, and inability to let anyone sing solo, aside from “Junior Member” Blaine.  All those problems still existed, during Blaine’s rendition of Robin Thicke’s “When I Get You Alone.”  And yet, for whatever reason, all these negatives combined to make what I felt was a TRULY entertaining, foot-tapping, finger snapping music number!

Poor Jeremiah!  If the Warblers are Hogwarts wizards, he’s most definitely the Draco Malfoy of this situation.

A Brief Note to the GAP:  This musical number would be the BEST COMMERCIAL YOU’VE EVER HAD!  Heck the Warblers even modeled your merchandise for you, during the song!

Now, why the heck aren’t they selling those awesome pink sunglasses at MY GAP?

You can check out all the performance, in all its fabulousness, here:

Now, as much as I love “When I Get You Alone,” (The song actually remains one of my all-time favorites), in hindsight, it probably wasn’t the best choice for a Declaration of Love Anthem.  For one thing, there’s a definite predatory, and almost frighteningly ANGRY, stalkerish aspect to the lyrics.  (“Because you walk pretty, because you talk pretty, because you MAKE ME SICK, and I’m NOT LEAVING, ’til YOUR LEAVING!”)  And don’t even get me started on the song’s Horror Movie-esque opening notes.  (“Bum-bum, bum, BUMMMM!  Bum-bum, bum, BUMMM!”)

“You do know that if you don’t have sex with Blaine, we are going to beat you to a pulp, tie you up, and shove you in the bathroom of our tourbus, don’t you?”

Talk about a SERIOUS LETDOWN, after his award winning musical performance, Blaine is shocked to learn that the Object of his Affections (1) got fired because of him; (2) isn’t “out” to his coworkers (Telltale Gay Hair, notwithstanding); and (3) doesn’t like him in that way, especially because he’s underage.

“You know, there’s another GAP a few miles from here.  Think anyone gay works THERE?”

Finally, toward the end of the episode, Kurt confronts Blaine about the sort of mixed signals he’s been sending out, resulting in Kurt thinking that HE was the object of Blaine’s desires, NOT Jeremiah the Bullfrog.  Blaine apologizes, and the pair commiserate over how inexperienced and bad at romance they both are.  They decide to take things slow, and stay friends for now, in order to preserve the strong bonds of friendship the pair has forged, during the short time they’ve known one another. 

“We can be like When Harry Met Sally . . . only I get to be Meg Ryan,” Kurt notes cheerily.

“I can see a resemblance.  Don’t you?”

Didn’t those two end up together in the end?” Blaine inquires cautiously.

Oh, Kurt . . . you Sly Dog, you!

Artie and Mike Chang are Friends (with Benefits?)

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I LOVE ME some Michael Jackson.  And P.Y.T., though a tad lecherous, in terms of it’s theme, was a fun little ditty for Artie to croon.  It was also an excellent showcase for Harry Shum Jr. (who plays Mike’s) very M.J. esque dance movies.  And yet, did anyone else, at least at the beginning of the musical number get the impression that these two dudes were singing the love song to EACHOTHER, as opposed to their Lady Loves?

Ummmmm . . .

TINA:  “I think our boyfriends are about to make out with eachother.”

BRITTANY:  “That’s SO HOT!”

(Yeah, I couldn’t find a clip of this one.  So, you’ll just have to take my word for it.)

Tears of a Clown

Have you ever loved someone so much, the mere thought of being with them evoked tears of joy?  No?  Me neither, which was why Tina’s cringeworthy blubbery rendition of “My Funny Valentine” was probably the most uncomfortable three minutes I’ve ever spent in front of my television screen . . .

Please, lord, make it stop!

But as awkward as I felt during this scene, it doesn’t even compare to how MIKE CHANG must have felt!

Just keep smiling . . . just keep smiling . . . Don’t let her know she’s crazy or she will KILL YOU.

The episode concludes with Kurt gathering the whole Glee crew together at . . . wait for it . . . Breadsticks (where ELSE?) for a meeting of the Lonely Hearts Club.

After a brief speech about love and singledom, Kurt introduces the Warblers (Woah, TWO off campus outings in ONE EPISODE?  Way to live dangerously boys?).  The group, led by Blaine (SURPRISE!) serenade the crowd with their rendition of the titular song “Silly Loves Songs.”

And that was more or less the episode, in a nutshell.  Did you like it?  Would you accept it as YOUR Valentine?  Or would you prefer to throw it back in the sender’s face, like Lauren Zizes did with Puck’s sucky chocolates?

[www.juliekushner.com]

15 Comments

Filed under Glee

The Vampire Diaries has FINALLY returned! Let’s celebrate with a LIVEBLOG!

It’s been a loooooooooong time, since The Vampire Diaries last graced our television screens . . .

Not quite 145 years .  . . but it sure felt like that long!

We have waited patiently . . .

(Admittedly, some of us may have been more patient than others .  . .)

And FINALLY our patience (or lack thereof) has been rewarded.  Because the wait is over, Fangbangers!  As for those Sexy Salvatore Brothers, well . . . THEY’RE BAAAAAAACK!

As you ALL probably know, The Vampire Diaries’ “The Descent” premieres January 27th at 8 p.m. on the CW.  The question is, how do YOU plan to celebrate?

Will you DANCE?

Or, perhaps, have a few drinks?

Do you plan on getting laid that night?

Maybe, you will get to do a ALL OF THE ABOVE!  (You lucky DOG, you!) 

But whatever you decide to do, momentous occasions like this simply don’t happen every day!  And when they do come around, it’s important to share them with fellow fangirls (and boys) like yourselves!  For this reason, my Brilliant, Gorgeous, Hilarious, and All Around Amazing Blogging Pals, Amy of Imaginary Men, and Cherie over at My Spidey Sense is Tingling, and I have decided to LIVEBLOG THE MID-SEASON PREMIERE!

What’s a LiveBlog, you ask?  Well, it’s kind of like a chat room where you can talk (well, more accurately, “type”) about “The Descent” with other fabulous fangirls, like yourself, while the show is airing.  Or, if you’re shy, just read along.  And let US do the work for you!

  In addition to covering the play-by-play of the episode, and repeatedly cooing over the hotness of the show’s cast  (Comments like “OMG!  HE IS SO GORGEOUS!” are, of course, inevitable, in these types of forums, and TOTALLY welcome!), Amy, Cherie and I will also be regaling you with screenshots from the episode, hot photos of the cast, and fun live polls, in which can take part. 

TYLER: *reads*  “Who’s the hottest character on The Vampire Diaries?  I’m going to go with choice “C,” Tyler!”

CAROLINE:  “Hmmmm . . . what are the other choices?”

TYLER:  “Hey!  Don’t make me go all werewolf on you, again!”

Of course, if you miss the LiveBlog, and want to check it out after the episode airs, you can do that too!  Here’s an example of a LiveBlog we did back in September, for the show’s season premiere. 

“Haha!  Those girls TOTALLY thought I was dead, when Damon broke my neck, back in ‘The Return.’  Silly Fangbangers!”

(Oh, and just a quick note, because we had some confusion last year.  A LiveBlog is not the same thing as a LiveStream.  Unfortunately, the technology we have available to us from CoverItLive does not allow us to stream the episode to other viewers, over the internet.  It provides “chat” services only.  There are a number of other websites that will stream the episode for you, of course.  However, us fangirls don’t have the resources — or the necessary legal approval — to offer you that particular service.  Sorry, in advance!)

So, if you are up for celebrating The Vampire Diaries’ mid-season premiere with a bunch of crazy fangirl bloggers, who share a love of  both snarky commentary and shirtless vampires . . .

 . . . CLICK HERE at 8 p.m. on Thursday, January 27th! 

(You never know WHO you might meet! 😉 )

[www.juliekushner.com]

6 Comments

Filed under Live Blogging Event, The Vampire Diaries