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Just Bieb It! – A Recap of Glee’s “Comeback”

OK. Confession Time!  Before this episode aired, I had NEVER HEARD A JUSTIN BIEBER SONG.  Not one . . . ever.  I’m not sure why this is, exactly.  But I strongly suspect it might have something to do with his hair.  Simply put, it frightens me.

Yeah . . . remember that Chucky doll, they used to make all the horror movies about, back in the 90’s?  (I’m not even going to post a picture of him here, because I plan on getting some sleep tonight.  Thank you very much!)  Well, Bieber’s hair . . . it kind of reminds me of that freaky doll.

So, when I heard Glee was doing a Bieber-themed episode, I was skeptical to say the least.  “Would Justin himself be making an appearance?”  I thought to myself.   “Would I (gasp) have to stare at THE HAIR for AN HOUR?”

The answers to those questions ended up being “No” an “YES,” respectively.  And while this wasn’t exactly my favorite Glee installment, it did offer some genuinely funny moments.  It also gave me a minor appreciation for The Biebster.  (His hair still scares me though . . . A LOT.)

Let’s take a Bieb-alicious look back, at “Comeback,” shall we?

Meet Sam . . . and Sam’s Hair

It’s officially been half a season, since Sam Evans first became a member of Glee club, and since Chord Overstreet joined the cast, as a series regular.  Since then, the Glee writers haven given Sam a few solos, his own love interest, and more shirtless scenes than ANY CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW, including (unfortunately) Puck . . .

But what they haven’t really given him is much of a personality.  And this week’s episode, while not going all the way, definitely took some strides toward remedying that oversight.

When the episode begins, we learn that, in the wake of her firework-inducing, mono-giving, makeout session with Finn (or, as I have taken to calling him, recently, Finndouche, Quinn has grown bored with Sam and his “mad choosing skills.”

Quinn openly scoffs at Sam’s suggestion that the pair go to “Color Me Mine” for Date Night.  Now, as far as hot dates go, “Color Me Mine” probably falls somewhere between “McNugget Happy Meal at McDonalds” and “private jet to the Bahamas.”  But we all know that PUCK got in Quinn’s pants, with nothing more than a few cheap beers, and some mildly kind words . . .

So, yeah, Sam, it’s safe to say that it’s not the POTTERY that’s to blame for your Dating Slump, it’s YOU!  Or maybe it’s not Sam, so much as his TOTAL LACK OF BACKBONE.  When Quinn tells Sam that she got mono, not from kissing Finn, but from giving him mouth-to-mouth when he CHOKED ON A GUMBALL (not the Heimlich, mind you, MOUTH-TO-MOUTH!) . . .

 . . . and Sam pretends to believe it, out of fear of losing his Ho-bag Barbie of a girlfriend, we all can see our blonde friend is just a smidge lacking in the cajones department, if you catch my drift.

That may not have been a GUMBALL, Quinn was carrying in her mouth, in the earlier picture.  Just sayin’.

But our Sam is optimistic!  He believes he can do what it takes to win back Ho-bag Barbie!  He’s ready to make . . . wait for it . . . a COMEBACK.  And that comeback starts with combing his hair into a creepy sidepart, and singing to a bunch of 13-year olds at what was probably LAMEST BAT MITZVAH EVER!

Seeing as Sam’s foray into being a one-man Justin Bieber Cover Band was SO successful with the Training Bra Crowd, he decides to bring his talents to an audience that DOESN’T make him look like a total pedophile when he performs in front of the — namely, Glee club.  So, off Sam heads to the front of the class to perform, Justin Bieber’s “Baby.”  To be honest, I found I couldn’t pay much attention to the song itself, because I found Sam’s (Bieber-esque (?)) dance moves, which were somewhat of a cross between the Robot, a Monkey in Heat, and Every Bad Line Dance You’ve Ever Seen, so oddly mesmerizing . . .

Just . . . cant . . . look . . .away.

Sam’s Scandalously Bad Dancing clearly hypnotizes the Glee Girls too, because the minute he starts performing, they are suddenly fawning all over the guy, and clinging to him, like a bunch of wet rags.  So, of course, Artie, Mike, and Puck want in on The Bieber Experience too.  After all, all three guys have found themselves in a Post V-day slump.  And they are in desperate need of some Bieb Street Cred to get back into their respective ladies’ panties. 

(OK, this is where I cry B.S., MIKE CHANG!  Last week, your girlfriend was so desperately in love with you, that the mere sight of you made her BURST INTO TEARS OF JOY.  NOW, just a few weeks later, you honestly expect me to believe that she has become immune, not just to you, but to YOUR ABS too?)

Did I MISS the episode where Tina went blind?

Unlike the rest of the Glee boys, Finn has no interest in Bieberizing himself (at least, at first).  After all, who needs Bieber Moves, when you’ve got Gassy Infant ones?

So, the rest of the Glee guys perform YET ANOTHER Bieber song for the Glee girls (and Schue).  This time, it’s “Somebody to Love.”  Again, the dance moves are bizarre (and, strangely enough, involve  . . . chalk?  Or maybe that was massive amounts of dandruff, the boys were playing with on stage?  I couldn’t really be sure).  But unlike with Sam’s first performance, this time, it wasn’t the dance moves that kept me from focusing on the music.  It was Puck and his reappearing / disappearing “Bieber Head,” which seemed to switch places with his Mohawk, on and off, throughout the musical number.

Hairy Puck issue aside, the second performance was an especially big hit with Ho-Bag Barbie, Quinn, who IMMEDIATELY decides to dump Finn cold turkey, and go back to her now-Bieberized boyfriend, Sam.  Unfortunately for Quinn, Santana has already dug her claws into that ridiculous mop top head.  Pulling Sam aside, she forces him to admit that he knows about his girlfriend’s affair with Finn.  She also “delicately” offers the Macauley Culkin double her “services”.  “I wants on them Froggy Lips.  And I wants on them NOW,” she coos . . .

Not surprisingly, Sam dumps Ho-Bag Barbie’s ass, ASAP.  And in the character’s final scene, we watch him get “up close and personal” with Santana and “the two rambunctious twins that live on [her] ribcage.”

Personally, I CAN’T WAIT until she gives HIM Mono . . . or whatever Fun Variety Pack of STDs she is currently carrying

Sue-icide is Painless

Sam wasn’t the only Glee cast member in need of a comeback, this week.  After her earth-shattering Cheerios cheerleading championship loss, which resulted in the Glee club getting ALL of the school’s extracurricular club money, Sue is SO depressed, that she actually tries to KILL HERSELF by OD-ing on Gummy vitamins!  When that doesn’t work, she tries BEATING UP GLEE CLUB MEMBERS.  (Can someone tell me how this woman is STILL A TEACHER?)

Emma, being the annoyingly GOOD person that she is, sympathizes with Sue’s plight, and really wants to help.  So, she offers her the MOST AWESOME SELF-HELP PAMPHLET IN THE HISTORY OF SELF-HELP PAMPHLETS!

But when that doesn’t work, she flashes her tits puppy dog eyes at Schue.  And, this somehow convinces him to let Sue join Glee club.

WILL:  If I do this for you, will you divorce Jesse from Full House, and have white-gloved, compulsively-clean, insanely boring sex with me in the Choir room?

EMMA:  DEAL! 

So, of course, Sue uses this opportunity to try and sabatoge the Glee Club, using the oldest trick in the book:  pit the members against one another.  (Zzzzzzzz — Honestly, Sue, I expected something a little more creative from YOU!)  And, so, Sue tells resident divas, and new found besties, Rachel and Mercedes, that each has said that the other has “no talent.”  The result is a “Diva Off” to “Take Me or Leave Me” from the musical Rent. 

It is also, by far, my favorite performance of the episode . . . which is weird for me, seeing as the pieces that come from musicals typically tend to be my least favorite on the show.  (I guess I’m just “uncultured” like that.)

You can check out Rachel and Mercedes, and their fabulous DIVA OFF, right here:

As you may have noticed, Sue’s plan here fails MISERABLY.  And the act of singing, which was initially meant to divide Rachel and Mercedes, actually ends up bringing them EVEN CLOSER . . .

Realizing what Sue tried to do to his Glee Kids, Will punishes her and us with Intense Emotional Manipulation.  Oh yes, boys and girls, we are off to sing “This Little Light of Mine” to sick kids at a hospital, or, as Sue calls it, the House of Sad.  Thanks Glee!  Because, I wasn’t feeling guilty enough about the cracks I made at the prepubescent Bieber’s expense (well, really just The Hair . . . and The Dancing) in this blog.  You had to go and make me feel like an even crappier human being, by making me watch THIS!)

Sue’s journey to the House of Sad inspires her to lead the Glee kids in an “Anthem,” which just so happens to be the theme for the upcoming Reginonals Competition.  She chooses “Sing” from My Chemical Romance.  Now, I know some of your out there were deeply offended that Glee would have the GALL to cover a song by the admittedly fabulous MCR.  But I, for one, was actually pretty happy with this performance.  Then again, maybe that’s just because I like flannel . . . and furry hats.

Speaking of “Interesting” Fashion Choices . . .

Turns out, Lauren Zizes isn’t really all that good of a singer.  But I am a BIG fan of the cheesetastic 80’s inspired outfit she wears, when she performs “I Know What Boys Like,” in front of the crowd, this week . . .

Additionally, I was a HUGE fan of Puck’s suggestion, as to how Lauren could combat her stage fright!  As a result of that suggestion, during Lauren’s admittedly “Meh” musical number, we were treated to the teen’s view of what the Glee crew would look like in their underwear . . .

Aside from the obvious titillation of a shirtless Mike Chang, and SUPRISE, yet another shirtless Sam Evans shot, I’d have to say my FAVORITE underwear choices were a toss up between Finndouche and his Power Ranger Underoos, and Sue’s decidedly uncomfy Catwoman / S&M Mistress of the Darkness getup . . .

Will’s Cutoff Short Shorts (seen toward the left of this screencap) bring up the “rear” (No Pun Intended) for a close third.

In fact, my ONLY complaint, about Lauren’s undie choices, was THIS . . .

There is, most certainly, no way in HELL, that Puck sleeps with a SHIRT ON!  Opportunity for Greatness = Wasted.

Oh, and then THIS happened, which frightened me . . .

All political correctness aside, you have to admit, that is one SCARY screencap!  Also, is that a WEDDING RING on her finger?

In Other Fashion News . . .

“Being Cool” is apparently at the top of Rachel Berry’s “To Do” List, right above THESE ITEMS . . .

AVATAR on Ice Audition, ay?  Now THAT would be a fantastic Glee episode!

So, Rachel pays Britney to dress like HER, so that the unpopular Diva can also become a “trendsetter” by association.  How does one dress like Rachel Berry?   By shopping the Sales Rack of Kids R’ Us, of course!

Rachel’s plan actually WORKS!  And, within days, the entire female student body is rocking the “Sexy Librarian Chic,” look or whatever the heck Rachel calls it . . .

The problem is, however, that no one attributes the TREND to Rachel.  Rather, they ASSUME the style came from Brittany herself.  In fact, they openly mock Rachel for her inability to copy it correctly.  (She wore a reindeer on her sweater, when she should have worn a carousel horse.) 

“When people look at you, they don’t see your clothes.  They see a cat getting its temperature taken . . . and then they hear it screaming,” Brittany helpfully offers, by way of explanation, as to why this anomaly has occurred.

Source

Rachel gets shot down AGAIN this week, when she tries to convince her fellow Gleeks that they should not perform “Sing” at Regionals, because, while flannel and furry hats are cool, they are not cool ENOUGH to beat competitors, like Aural Intensity, the Warblers, and, of course, Vocal Adrenaline.  Rachel thinks the group should instead write their own ORIGINAL music. 

Though he doesn’t have the balls to stick up for Rachel in the Choir room, WHERE IT COUNTS, Finndouche, de-Douchifies himself long enough toward the end of the episode, to tell Rachel and her Minnie Mouse costume, that he believes she has what it takes to write an original song for Regionals, and, ultimately, convince the Glee kids to sing it at the competition. 

“I think you are do for a COMEBACK into my pants,” Finn insists to his Ex, as he walks down the hallway, leaving Rachel to have a Mini-O at the mere notion that this cheating lame-o actually BELIEVES IN HER!

Yeah, I know this picture has nothing to do with what I just wrote.  I just posted it here again, because I think it’s really funny.  Also, Finndouche and I are in a fight . . . So, TAKE THAT, FINNDOUCHE!

All sarcasm aside, Sue announces, during the final moments of the episode, that she will now be acting as Glee coach for New Directions’ competitors, “Aural Intensity”  . . .

(Yeah, because that’s not unrealistic at all!  Sorry . . . sarcasm again!)

As a result, Sue will likely have THEM performing MCR’s “Sing,” considering it was her song choice, after all.  Therefore, I’m thinking that Rachel’s dream to write her own music for the Regional competition is about to come true . . .

And that was “Comeback” in a nutshell.  Did it give YOU the Bieber Fever, or would you prefer that it “GOback” where it came from?

[www.juliekushner.com]

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Rumble at the Were-House – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Daddy Issues”

Let’s Get Ready to RUMBLE! 

So, not only did this week’s installment of The Vampire Diaries offer us a Supernatural Battle Royale of EPIC Proportions  (Eat your HEARTS out, Twilight and True Blood!), it also provided a whole BOATLOAD of Gushy Relationship Stuff, sure to appease your inner fangirl, no matter WHO your favorite TVD Couple might be *cough Delena and Forwood cough*  Not to mention, there was WAY more Naked Damon Salvatore in this hour than you could shake a stick at (not that anyone would want to . . . shake sticks at him, I mean.)

Ladies, there is PLENTY more where this came from . . .

See, Damon . . . I know you had kind of a rough go of it last week . . . with all those “tears” and “feelings” and “stuff.”  But even YOU’VE got to admit, things are WAY better in Mystic Falls without Man-Stealer Rabid Rose to kill your buzz, aren’t they?

Harsh, but true, Girlfriend!

See?  I knew eventually you’d come to see things, my way!

Honestly, this episode put me in SUCH a good mood, that I’m not even particularly bothered by Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie . . . yet.

I’ve got two words for you, New Girl:  Thin . . . Ice.

So, what are we waiting for, Fangbangers?   Let’s get DIRTY and NAKED, with our “Daddy Issues!”  And then, if we’re REAL good, Damon promises to help us “lather up and clean off” by the episode’s end!  Sound like a plan?

A Lot of People Died Last Week . . . Hey . . . wait . . . is that Naked Damon?

It’s morning in Mystic Falls.  Everyone’s got their eye on the morning news, and a re waiting for the Daily Traffic and Weather Report.  Here’s the scoop on both . . . Mystic Falls is about to get WAY more crowded, not to mention a whole lot WETTER . . .

*sigh*

Those of you who have always wondered about the sheer quantity of Senseless Deaths in Mystic Falls, and whether anyone in the godforsaken town ever cared to notice them, got your answer this week.  Yes, the townsfolk do seem to notice.  That’s why last week’s ENTIRE bloody body count made it into the town’s local TV news, within the first few minutes of the episode.  It’s also why Mystic Falls’ Random Event of the Week this week was . . . you guessed it . . . a Memorial Service.

And honestly, I’d like to tell you a bit more about it, such as where to send flowers, and where all the funerals will be held.  The problem is, I missed the end of the news broadcast, because I got a bit . . .  distracted.

Hey . . . wait, isn’t that Damon’s new Sex Toy, Andie on the TV Screen?

(These Orgasmic GIFs have been brought to you by, The Vampire Diaries Tumblr)

Ummmm . . . yeah . . . where was I again?

Oh yeah, Lots of Dead People . . . Town in Peril .  . . Carnage . . . Werewolves .  . . which reminds me . . .

Tyler and Caroline DO IT on top of her car . . . But “IT” isn’t quite what we were hoping for . . .

So, remember last week, when us Forwood (i.e. Caroline and Tyler) fans, got all our little panties up in a bunch, because a certain Romantic Automobile Scene from the promos was suspiciously absent from the episode?

And then, as we were sharpening our pitchforks, ready to give the writers a real piece of our minds, THIS happened, and all was magically forgiven . . .

Well, as promised, Tyler DID manage to get Caroline up on the hood of her car this week . . . just not in the way we wanted him to . . .

“Fooled ya, didn’t I, Forwood Fans?”

If you recall, last week, Jules the Werewolf Soul Crusher revealed to Tyler in the final moments of the episode that his Vampire Barbie might not be quite the Little Angel he always assumed she was.  To give you a better idea of the effect this probably had on Tyler, try to remember how you felt the first time you learned that Santa Claus wasn’t real . . .

Sorry, if I spoiled that for you, kiddies!  But Soul Crusher and I do sort of/ kind of share a first name.  So, what did you expect?

Given what we saw at the end of “The Descent” and the little snippets of the episode to which we were treated in the promos, we pretty much knew that Tyler wasn’t going to be too happy with his Gal Friday, when he saw her again this week.  What we might not have banked on, however, was that Poor Caroline would be so blissfully unaware of her Favorite Werewolf Pal’s sudden change in mood . . .

(While I would LOVE to take credit for this Fabulous Photographic Manipulation, it was actually created, believe it or not, by Matt Davis, a.k.a Alaric Saltzman, and given to me as a “gift” by my fabulous Blogger Pal, Cherie . . .)

So, here we have Caroline, still floating on Cloud Nine, after that AMAZING Kiss she shared with Tyler last week, when she steps out onto her front porch, and finds the Man with the Marvelous Tongue, himself, waiting for her there, once again.  “We need to talk,” says Tyler, his intense eyes piercing Caroline’s soul, as his oh-so-familiar words, send her spiraling upward into an ecstatic high that is undoubtedly The BEST CASE OF DEJA VU EVER!

So, Caroline starts babbling on in an elated rush, saying words she clearly doesn’t mean AT ALL . . . something about how “[they] can’t go there,” and “Matt,” and “feelings,” and blah, blah, blah.

While PRE-Soul Crushed Tyler would have undoubtedly accepted Caroline’s justifications with a sweet smile, some flirtatious words, and a renewed vow of friendship that would SURELY culminate in Super Hot Were Vamp Sex, by the end of the evening, Post-Soul Crushed Tyler just nods expressionless, like a sly cat, just waiting to pounce on his prey.  And because we all know too well, the misdeeds of which THIS Tyler is capable, we can’t help but feel just a teensy bit worried for Caroline, as she walks nonchalantly toward her car.

That’s when the other shoe drops . . .

“What happened to Mason?”  Tyler asks icily.

“Awwww, CRAP!”

He’s dead.  Because Stefan and Damon Salvatore killed him, because they are vampires . . . just like you,” Tyler remarks coldly, looking right through Poor Caroline, as he speaks.

But then, Tyler softens, and a bit of that old charming vulnerability shows through his tough veneer.  In this single moment, Tyler is subconsciously willing Caroline to prove him wrong. . . to allow him to continue to believe her to be his perfect angelic savior, “Is it true?”  He asks softly.

Caroline’s eyes fill up with tears.  She nods . . . slowly.  And then THIS happens . . .

So, Caroline’s up against the car, and in Tyler’s arms, just like we wanted.  And yet, somehow, I don’t think our favorite Baby Werewolf is about to tell Caroline that “whatever [she] needs, [he is] there for [her]” . . .

“I trusted you,” yells Tyler through clenched teeth, as his eyes go gold with werewolf rage.

Fortunately, Caroline’s tears, along with the look of abject terror in her eyes, bring Tyler back to himself.  And so he lets go of Caroline’s jacket collar, shakes the supernatural rage out of his countenance, and stalks away sadly . . .

Useless Jenna Learns ONE of the 50 MILLION Secrets her friends and family have been hiding from her for at least TWO years  . . .

Last week, I suggested that Clueless Matt Donovan go and rent The Vampire Diaries, Season 1 and Season 2 (Now available for pre-order!) DVD’s to get him up to speed on EVERYTHING his so-called “friends” have been lying about to him, since the beginning of the series.  . .

This week, I’m going to take my suggestion one step further, and suggest that Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna watch the entire series TOGETHER in one long Blockbuster marathon weekend.  It would be fun for them, I think.  They could braid eachother’s hair, talk about girls, eat Chunky Monkey off Alaric’s naked body  . . . you know, the usual stuff.

Just think about how many LIVES this would save, and how fewer Super Villains would be invited into the Gilbert Home as a result! 

(Fortunately, though, Jenna has already invited in Elijah, because he’s . . . you know . . . AWESOME.)

So, anyway, Creepy Uncle / Father John is back in Mystic Falls.  And he’s lurking around the Gilbert Kitchen, like a rat on the tracks of a New York City subway station.

We can tell immediately that Bio Dad’s return has had a negative impact on our girl Elena, by the uncharacteristically high ponytail she sports throughout the episode . . .

Then again, perhaps, the new do was supposed to represent the return of Elena’s “inner child,” or something.  I don’t know . . .

Kat looks on with disapproval, as she helpfully suggests a more “fashionable” updo for her favorite fellow Petrova Doppelganger.

While Creepy Uncle / Father John is waxing poetic about how he “loves Elena” and is “here to protect her,” Useless Aunt Jenna stumbles down the steps, a bit sore after a night of Super Hot Screwing with Alaric.  And let’s just say, the sight of the Evil Brother-in-Law she once banged TOTALLY kills her Post-Sex buzz.  When Useless Aunt Jenna tries to kick John out of the house, he and Elena decide to drop a total bombshell on her.  John is Elena’s Bio Dad.  Who knew?  (Well . . . aside from . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY else in the WORLD.)

Speaking of HAIR-RAISING Situations . . .

The Salvatore Brothers Discuss the Logistics of Hero Hair, And Other Pressing Issues . . .

Meanwhile, over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, the Salvatore Brothers are engaging in an important Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation.  So, guess who was the main subject of this conversation?  (By the way, if you didn’t answer “Elena,” I’d hereby like to extend to you an invitation to a TVD DVD Marathon Viewing Party, hosted by Clueless Matt and Useless Aunt Jenna.)

“You brought back, JOHN GILBERT?  THAT was your big Save Elena Move?”  Damon asks, incredulously.  (Yeah, Stefan!  I’m inclined to agree with Damon on this one.  Bringing back the Bio Dad earns you a C- tops in my Book of Hero Worship, Baby Salvatore.)

“He tried to BAKE ME TO A CRISP,” Damon reminds his brother, as if any further illumination as to the awfulness of Stefan’s idea is actually necessary.

NO ONE tries to BAKE my Future Boyfriend, and gets away with it!  And yes, I’m ALSO looking at you TOO, Bonnie Firestarter Bennett!  Don’t think I’ve forgotten, because I haven’t . . .

Yet, Stefan has always been a “Go with the Devil you KNOW” sort of guy.  As such, he trusts Creepy Uncle/ Father John and Mommy Dearest Isobel, over the Kickass Awesome Elijah (who, though NOT my Future Boyfriend, I would totally sleep with, especially after this week’s episode).   Stefan hopes that the Diabolical Duo will surprise him, by actually having the best interests of their daughter at heart.  He also figures, as Katherine suggested a few episodes back, that they could clue him into the complex conundrum that is Vampire Santa Klaus and his BIG SACRIFICE.

“As, if I didn’t have ENOUGH problems,” gripes Damon, referring of course, to his recent discovery of FEELINGS, which was brought on by the loss of Man-Stealer Rabies Head Rose.  “I’m changing Stefan.  I may just have to get a Hero Hairdo of my own, and steal your thunder.”

Hero Hairdo:  Check!

Thunder stolen: Double Check!

Papa Vamp Scolds Baby Vamp for Hanging out with a Bad Crowd . . .

“If you so much as LOOK at that Bad News Werewolf again, you are SO GROUNDED, Missy!”

You know, when we learned that the title of this episode was going to be “Daddy Issues,” we undoubtedly were reminded of the VERY MANY dysfunctional families on this show.  The Gilbert Family . . . The Lockwood Family . . . The Salvatore Family, all of them share one thing in common:  Bad Dads!  And yet, most of us, probably forgot about what is undoubtedly the most FUNCTIONAL family unit on this show, Papa Stefan and his Baby Vamp Caroline . . .

Yes, I KNOW, technically it was DAMON, and not Stefan, who’s blood gave Caroline eternal life.  And yet, Caroline has really been without a father figure, for much of the series.  By taking Caroline under his wing, supporting her emotionally, and teaching her how to live a relatively Law Abiding Vampire Lifestyle, Stefan is like the Great Dad Caroline never had . . .

So, it really shouldn’t have surprised any of us that THEIR relationship, was one of chief one’s explored this week.  After Damon leaves La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Caroline emergency texts Stefan, before arriving on his doorstep.  Though she tries to put on a brave face, she is clearly worried about the repercussions of her recent altercation with Tyler . . .

Stefan warns Caroline that Damon will probably KILL her Were-Beau, if he finds out Teen Wolf may have just switched over to TEAM Wolf.  “What if he retaliates?”  Stefan wonders out loud.

“You have to talk to him,” Caroline pleads, in a tone specifically reserved for daughters asking for BIG FAVORS from their fathers.  “You always know the right thing to say . . . He and I were . . . are . . . friends who just so happen to really like making out with one another, and pushing one another up against motor vehicles.

Speaking of Tyler . . .

Soul Crusher Jules tries her hand at playing Mommy . . . Dearest.

“Yes, Tyler, I AM fondling your knee inappropriately right now . . . But I’m only doing it because I want to have Hot Canine Sex with you want to show you just how much I care.”

Now, I know we all HATE Soul Crusher Jules for not killing Rose sooner the major damage she caused to the Budding Forwood Romance.  And yet, after this week, I’m starting to think that HER intentions (I, of course, am NOT speaking for the rest of her Dog Pack!) are not nearly as diabolical, as we once thought.  At first, I assumed that Jules was only interested in luring Tyler to the Dark Side, because she ultimately wanted to use him in The Sacrifice, just as Katherine did with Mason earlier this season.  I don’t think that’s the case, anymore.

Yeah, B*tch, you keep those hands in your lap, where they BELONG!  Just because I gave you a compliment, doesn’t mean I want you trying to hook up with Caroline’s MAN!

The typically frigid Jules is uncommonly warm and, dare I say, maternal, this week, as she invites Tyler to frolic with the rest of her wolf pack, and learn the ways of the Supernatural World.  “Your new life as a lycanthrope is just beginning.  Us werewolves have a Code of Loyalty.  It is my duty and honor to help you.  Please let me,” Jules offers.

Given that Tyler now feels completely alone in this world, as a result of his broken friendship with Caroline, you can imagine how enticing an offer like this might seem to a guy like him.  And yet, Tyler’s still very much a teenage boy!  We forget that sometimes, because the actor who plays him is 26 he looks like THIS . . .

But, this week, Tyler reminded us, by uttering these, OH SO ADORABLE next lines, “I can’t just run AWAY!  Mom would FREAK!”

(Awwww . . . Tyler, I love you!)

Elena Reintroduces her SOULMATE (Yeah, I said it!) to her Bio Dad

I now pronounce you Vamp and Wife.   You may kiss the bride . . .

Elsewhere, Damon and Elena are in agreement that Stefan’s idea to bring Uncle /Father John back to Mystic Falls was TOTALLY IDIOTIC!  But while, OLD DAMON would have simply beat the crap out of Bio Dad, which, admit it, would be SO fun to watch, NEW DAMON who undoubtedly sees Creepy Uncle / Father John as his future Father-in-Law is willing to engage him in a “civil” conversation.  “I’m the Good Guy, now,” Damon explains matter-of-factly . . . (Ummm . . . tell that to Dead Jessica, Damon!)

“I’m coming with you,” Elena replies, seeming a bit to eager to go frolicking with someone who is “just a friend,” I might add.  (Can you blame her?)

When Damon and Elena arrive at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, they run into the WHOLE REST OF THE EXTENDED GILBERT FAMILY.  Alaric, Useless Aunt Jenna, and Uncle / Father John are all in attendance.  All we need are Stefan and Jeremy, and this could be a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner!

“NO, DAMON!  We are NOT having the wedding here.  I don’t care if it IS the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  I’d rather go to Vegas . . .”

Useless Aunt Jenna takes this fine opportunity to introduce her “new bestie” Reporter Andie Starr to Damon, because Andie is apparently a Big Ole Ho (much like Jenna, herself), who’s really looking to get down and dirty with a Hot Vamp.

But, like we said, Damon is a “Good Guy” now, and “Good Guys” don’t bone other chicks at their future wife’s wedding rehearsal.  So, Damon rejects Andie’s ass . . . at least, initially, as Elena looks on, undoubtedly feeling smug as hell.

*sings*  “I still got him!  You can’t have him!  Nah-nah, nah-nah, nahhhh-nah!”

Damon then announces that he is “steering clear of all women.”  And at that moment, I hear the collective wails of every female on the entire planet.  (Fortunately, he only keeps that promise for about 20 more minutes.)

Damon then tries to muscle information about Klaus and The Sacrifice out of Uncle / Father John, by using a candle as a metaphor for the Creepo’s life, should he prove to be untrustworthy.

Unfortunately, John isn’t the sort of man to be intimidated by vampires who “know how to give blow jobs out candles.”  To the contrary, he is INTRIGUED by them.

“I need to know I can blow trust you.  Then we can talk,” responds John, before strutting away effeminately.

Speaking of the game of Suck and Blow, let’s head over to the Trailer Park, were Soul Crusher Jules has returned to reunite with some old Chew Toys friends . . .

Bad DOGS!

Meet Werewolf Brady.  He dresses like a farmer, and talks like a Comic Book Villain.  But, at least for now, we will let those things slide, because (1) he is hot (duh!); and (2) he’s making out with Soul Crusher Jules, which will likely prevent her from making a play for Tyler, at least until the Big Brawny Were-oaf kicks the bucket, which Villains like him often tend to do on this show, typically within about 3 episodes. . .

JULES: “What’s that I taste on your breath?  Have you been eating Girl Scout Cookies?”

BRADY:  “Not the cookies. . .  just the scouts.”

After they are done swapping dog breath, Jules and Brady talk about their MASTER PLAN.  Brady wants to avenge fellow dog, Mason’s untimely death.  Jules wants Tyler’s hot teen wolf ass for her pack collection.  So, they compromise, and decide to get both.  (Hear that?  That’s your Werewolf Code of Loyalty at work, people!  It’s a Doggone Dogmocracy!)

Meanwhile, back at the Lockwood Mansion. . .

Stefan and Tyler get Up Close and Personal . . .

It sure is convenient that Stefan was invited into the Lockwood House during the Season Premiere, to attend the Mayor’s funeral.  Otherwise, he would have NEVER been able to do THIS.  At first, Stefan, ever the pragmatist, tries to calmly discuss the ways in which a Supernatural World can be Super-Friendly TOO!  “We can really use a Scooby Doo in our Scooby Gang.  You interested?  Mini Gilbert’s getting mighty lonely, playing Scrappy, all by himself!  Vampires and Werewolves can live together in harmony,” Stefan, more or less, tells Tyler, in his own TVD version of Martin Luther King’s “I Have a Dream” Speech.

But Tyler’s not really buying it.  So Stefan instead tries some Tough Love, by throwing Teen Wolf up against the wall.  (Actually, I’m pretty sure there’s something in the contracts of the actors on this show, that requires someone to be shoved up against a wall, at least once per episode.)  “Without a Full Moon, you are no match for me,” he growls at Tyler.  “And, while we’re at it, stop being such a dick to [Caroline]!”

Stefan’s harsh actions frightens Tyler, so much, that he ends up calling “Mommy” . . . and by “Mommy” I mean, of course, Soul Crusher Jules.  (BIG MISTAKE, TYLER!  HUGE!)

“Omigod!  You SHOT Caroline!  You, bastards!”

Before you can say “RUN CAROLINE!,” Jules and Brady have cornered their baby vamp, against her car . . . AGAIN.  (Note to Caroline:  Learn to use public transportation.)

See?  Much better!

And then, Brady . . . SHOOTS CAROLINE IN THE HEAD, WITH A WOODEN BULLET!

Source (for the awesome gif, of course, the MONKEY IS ALL MINE! 🙂

Fortunately, for Caroline, she’s made of Sugar and Spice and Vampire Awesome!  So, she can pop those bullets out of her body, like it’s Child’s Play.  Thank goodness, Caroline is such a True Blood / Vampire Eric Northman fan, otherwise, she never would have known about this unusual skill set of hers . . .

“Hey, Tyler!  Caroline needs you to suck something out of her neck . . .”

Unfortunately, though, getting shot still HURTS LIKE HELL!  And Caroline, who’s been thrown into a CAGE by Crazy Jail Warden Were-Oaf Brady, is getting shot at A LOT!

Of course, having watched the promos, most of us KNEW that this was going to happen to Caroline, eventually, this week.  And yet, that didn’t deaden the impact Brady’s torture of Caroline had on us fans AT ALL.  Kudos to Candice Accola, who’s hoarse cries of helplessness, screams of pain, and pleading, “Why are you doing this to me?”  literally brought tears to my eyes, every time the gun went off. 

Brady’s Hotness Points = Officially flushed down my toilet.  DIE DOGGY, DIE!

(That being said, this may sound awful but . . . was anybody else slightly relieved that, contrary to what the promos would have us believe, Tyler didn’t, at least consciously, have any part in this?)

When Stefan calls Caroline’s phone to see if she is OK, Jules picks up, and gives Stefan an earful of his surrogate sire’s anguished screams.  “You have twenty minutes,” she says.  “Bring Tyler or Caroline dies.”

It’s time to call your brother, Stefan!  Because it looks like YOU are going to need some serious reinforcements . . .

“Be the Better Man.”

As a TVD fan, and a recapper, I generally like to try to find the bright side in things.  And if there was a bright side to Caroline’s painful torture, at least STORYLINE wise, it was THIS scene between Damon and Elena.  When Damon receives the call from Stefan about what’s going down with Caroline and the weres, Damon’s got blood on the brain . . . Tyler’s blood. 

As is typical of her in such situations, Elena begs Damon to be “good,” and not kill Tyler.  And yet, Elena does something a bit different this time, to make herself seem more persuasive.  It’s something we haven’t really seen her do, since the Bad Moon Rising episode, where she manipulated Damon, who she HATED at the time, into giving her information about Katherine.  Elena seductively places her hand on Damon’s arm, and holds it there.   She then looks deep into his eyes, and says, “Too many people die here.  Be the better man.”

Source

The significance of this movement is not lost on Damon, who knows EXACTLY what his lady love is attempting.  And he is NOT happy with it . . . at all.  “You need to stop doing that . . . assuming that I’m going to be the Good Guy, just because it’s YOU, who’s asking.”

And yet, in a few moments, we will see that Damon does EXACTLY what Elena wants him to do, PRECISELY because it is her who did the asking.  They call marriage the  Old Ball and Chain for a REASON, Damon!  And you are TOTALLY whipped!

Sidenote:  I found this scene particularly interesting, because it called to mind a recent interview that Nina Dobrev gave to Wetpaint.com.  In it, Nina argued that, even though Damon made her FORGET his declaration of love for her, Elena definitely knows how Damon feels about her, “Of course, Elena doesn’t know, because Damon didn’t outright tell her… but she knows. You know when someone likes you or is in love with you,” she says.

In the Bad Moon Rising episode, Elena manipulated Damon’s desire to “be her friend” again, after the whole Jeremy Neck Snap Incident.  But this week, we saw the first signs of Elena’s awareness of Damon’s LOVE for her.  Though Elena may have always had a subconscious knowledge of the extent of Damon’s feelings, this is really the closest she has come to acknowledging them, indulging them, and using them to her advantage.  Is it mean?  Absolutely, does it bring a smile to this Delena Fan’s face, anyway?  YOU BET IT DOES!


Then Damon tells Uncle / Father John to babysit his own daughter (something, he’s probably NEVER done before, by the way), and heads off to Fight for Team Salvatore.

Vampires versus Werewolves versus . . . Warlocks?

Hey, look!  It’s the Three Hotmigos!

At the Were-House Salvatore Squared form a Salvatoreo Sandwich around Tyler their bargaining chip.  “Release Caroline, and you will get Tyler,” bargains Stefan.

“We are going to try his way, before my way,” snarks Damon.  “My way is a bit bloodier.”

Of course, our Scooby Gang is feeling pretty confident at this point that they can overtake Soul Crusher Jules, especially considering the apparent Lack of Full Moon Wolfiness surrounding her.  But then, Jules calls in for reinforcements . . .

And that puts an end to THAT idea.   The Salvatore’s drop Tyler like the hotcake he is!  So Baby Were heads inside the trailer to do what he should have done ALL ALONG — FREE CAROLINE!

Meanwhile, outside, the Weres and Vamps are at a bit of a Standoff.  “Which one of you killed, Mason?”  Were-oaf Brady asks.

“That would be, ME!”  Damon replies happily.

“Make sure that one suffers,” Brady responds maniacally.

And suffer he will, because these weres don’t mess around!  They’ve got fire power, and an arsenal of crazy weapons that would make Alaric Saltzman proud.   The Salvatore Brothers don’t have weapons or fire with them today . . . just a Can a of Whup Ass, and a Heaping Helping of AWESOME!

Source

Honestly, I wish there were more gifs and picspam of the Were/ Vamp fight, because it was downright FANTASTIC to watch.  And yet, when Caroline emerged from the trailer, and THIS happened to her . . .

 . . . I stopped paying attention to the fight, and started yelling at Tyler to get his butt over there and HELP OUT!  He didn’t . . .

But you know who did?  THIS GUY . . .

Who the HECK would have thought that the Jonas Brother from Another Mother would end up being a Savior of Salvatores?  And yet, save them he did, by giving all the werewolves in the place a massive dose of that BIG BAD HEADACHE thing we always see Bonnie using on all the vampires.  Within moments, all the weres are incapacitated (except Tyler).   Everyone left standing is looking at this guy in shock, as if to say, “Who the f*ck are you?”

“Elijah made a promise to Elena.  I’m here to see that it is upheld.  Go now,” says Jonas to Caroline, Stefan and Damon.

He then turns his attention to Tyler . . .

“When your friends awaken, give them a message.  They need to get the hell out of this town.”

OK . . . so remember when I told you I fell in LOVE with Elijah this week?  THIS is why!

Source

When Elijah promised Elena that none of her friends would get HURT, I assumed that promise would be strictly limited to them getting hurt by OTHER VAMPIRES  .  . . I didn’t think he would take it as far as to act as a 24-7 PERSONAL BODY GUARD to ALL of Elena’s friends.  Now that is just PURE AWESOME!  In fact, if Elijah actually APPEARED in this episode, I probably would have hugged my television screen (and probably got massive electric shock, as a result).

A Friend in Need . . .

Of all the characters on TVD this week, Caroline probably wins the WORST DAY EVER AWARD.  And yet, when Stefan comes to check on her, after the whole “Cage Ordeal,” she offers him a pained smile, and promises him that she is going to be just fine.

“I’m not your girly little Caroline anymore,” notes the Baby Vamp ruefully.  “I can handle myself.”

“You sure can,” replies Stefan, before leaving Caroline to pick the rest of the wood out of her ass.

Caroline offers the same brave face to Matt, when he calls to tell her that she forgot to meet up with him.  (Ummm . . . she’s been a bit busy, Dude!  If you watched those DVD’s like I told you to, you would KNOW that!)  Though Caroline claims that she can’t see her Ex-Beau, because she is “taking care of Bonnie,” Matt, who is working at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls at the time, knows that this is a bald-faced lie . . .

Source

Yeah . . . so apparently Jeremy and Bonnie are like “Boyfriend / Girlfriend” now.  Whatev . . .

Caroline may have been perky with Stefan, and sweetly dismissive with Matt, but she shows no such restraint with Tyler, when he shows up her door to apologize for  her whole “Being Locked up in a Cage, and Shot in the Head Multiple Times by my Crazy Dog Pound Friends” thing . . .

“I lied to protect my friends.  I lied to protect you.  I expected you to HELP, but you just STOOD THERE . . . It is too late, Tyler.  We are not friends, anymore.  What happened tonight will NEVER happen again.  Take THAT back to your Were Pack and get the hell out of my house!”

Now, I have to admit that, THOUGH HE TOTALLY DESERVED it for being a COMPLETE WUSS, during the Supernatural Battle Royale of 2011, when Caroline went off on Tyler like that, I got a bit teary.  And there was a big part of me that wanted to give Tyler a hug . . .

But that part of me got MAJORLY PISSED off all over again, when Tyler went running to his new Crazy Were-Losers, and  told them about THE MOONSTONE!

Seriously, Doofus?  Did Stefan’s “I Have a Were/Vamp Dream” Speech teach you ABSOLUTELY nothing?”

You are SO on my poopy list, now Tyler!

Speaking of my Poopy List . . .

Creepy Uncle / Father D-bag

Meanwhile, Creepy Uncle / Father John tried to “play nice” by giving Elena her adoptive mom’s bracelet . . .

 . . . and teaching Damon how to kill an Original Vampire using stakes and ash.  (IS THAT IT?  Honestly, I was hoping you would need something way cooler than that to kill someone as awesome as Elijah . . . Pennies from Heaven, perhaps?)

But then John screwed up EVERYTHING by joining Team Katherine, and promising to free her from her tomb . . .

Then again, THIS could be an excellent opportunity for us Kefan fans to get the REAL Katherine / Stefan sex scene we’ve all been dreaming of, for quite some time now . . .

KJewls Poopy List

Brady the Were-oaf

Soul Crusher Jules

Were-extras

Rose (even though she’s dead . . . YAY!)

Tyler (for “being a dick to Caroline,” and for spilling the beans about the “Moonstone”)

Creepy Uncle / Father John  (They better have sex, dude!  That’s all I’m going to say.  Or your ass is going right back on this list.)

Alls Well that Ends SEXY!

Back at Caroline’s house, Stefan has commandeered Elena and Bonnie, and transported them to the poor tired Baby Vamp’s place for some MUCH NEEDED Girl Time . . .

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit that my heart softened a bit, when Elena turned to Stefan and mouthed, “I love you,” to him for having  truly been there for her Bestie, when she needed it most.  Undoubtedly,  while all this is happening, Elena is thinking about what a good DAD Stefan would be . .  . if he were ever actually capable of having kids .  . . which he’s not. 

Speaking of Delena . . .

I know that technically it’s “weird” of me to classify this scene, which features Damon naked and necking with that random reporter chick, as a Delena scene.  And yet, it’s not what Damon DOES in this scene that’s important (OK . . . who am I kidding? Damon being naked is ALWAYS important!) . . .

 . . . but rather, what he SAYS, during the scene (while naked) that’s so very satisfying to me, and, I suspect to other members’ of my Mother Ship . . .

“I need help, because I love a woman I WILL ABSOLUTELY EVENTUALLY HAVE can never have,” Damon tells his new Sex Toy, while gulping down glasses of wine, and lathering his hot bod with soap bubbles.  “I’m in love with her, and it’s driving me crazy.  I’m not in control . . .  I’m bad . . . I do things . . . I kill people,” Damon adds, before compelling Andie to be calm, in a super hot way, that involves her staring at his luscious lips, and intense eyes.

(OK . . . does this make you calm?  Because it makes me positively hornygiddy!)

” She wants me to be better, but I can’t be,” Damon concludes, his eyes welling up with tears for maybe the third or fourth time this season, which I LOVE!

Long story short . . . Damon still LOVES Elena, so much so, that he’s become one of those guys that talks about the girl he LOVES with the girl he SLEEPS with. 

Now, what I’m actually liking about Andie, and why she’s TOTALLY cool with me so far — in a way that Rose never was — is that she’s perfectly happy to just be the Booty Call.  So far, at least, Random Reporter Sex Toy sees no need to be in a “relationship” with Damon, or even really be his friend.  She’s just his “distraction,” and that’s FINE with her!

In fact, Andie acts like most of us probably would act, if we were lucky enough to be making out in a bathtub with Damon Salvatore  — just thrilled to be THERE! 🙂  Andie even gives Damon some pretty awesome advice, “Love does that . . . it changes people.  You can change.”  (You are right, Andie!  HE CAN CHANGE!  The question is, do we really want him to?)

In the end, Damon is tired of listening to Andie talk.  (So, are we! )  So, he tells her to just kiss him, and be his distraction.  And doggonit if it’s not the most romantic, “I plan to use you for sex, and you will like it” pickup line, I have ever heard in my entire life!

(Of course, I’m ad-libbing a bit  here, because it’s about 4 am, and this is the LONGEST RECAP I HAVE EVER WRITTEN!  But you can check out the full scene, in all its Nudy Glory here.)

And that was the amazing “Daddy Issues” episode, in a VERY LARGE, nutshell.  Thanks for reading, Fangbangers! 

[www.juliekushner.com]

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