What’s hiding under YOUR hood? – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars “CTRL A”

“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”

“OHHHH!”

Greetings, my Pretties!  This week on PLL, a lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked,  a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship.  (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!)  So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to  “CTRL A” . . .

Swimming with Sharks

Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool.  This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.

“This is super uncomfortable.  I could really go for a joint, right about now .  . .”

Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it.  You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week.  Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it?  A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.

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Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT.  She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before.  And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .

Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.

And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either.  Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.

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Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue.  Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline.  Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .

The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .

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Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality.  Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets.  Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns.  That’s right, my Pretties.  After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in.  Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .

“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?” 

Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night.  This way, Holden can attend his snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”

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Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?

Only time will tell . . .

Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home.  This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.

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“What?  Holden has a heart condition?”  Aria asks incredulously.

“Why yes, dear daughter.   I figured you would already know that, considering how you are out porking him for hours at a time, three or four times a week,” replies Aria’s mom, more or less.

“Oh yeah,  you’re right.  I totally knew about Holden’s lethal disease!  I was just kidding, Mom.  Haha!  Boy, I sure, got you!” Aria says.

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Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.

 

Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here?  Silly “A.”   For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls.  I wonder why that is . . .

Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club.  “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?”  Aria inquires.

“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?” 

Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest,  and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you.  This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do.  But, ultimately,  she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . .  . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).

Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.

But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.

After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him.  And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl.  (Ruh-roh, Fitzy!  I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)

Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy.  So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly  putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club.  Well played, Miss Montgomery!

What am I going to doobie?

There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya.  First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two.  To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.

“I have a confession to make.   I ate all your blue swim team cookies.  I couldn’t help it.  I have a serious case of the munchies.” 

That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom.  Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!

As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was.  Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉  Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her.  And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.

I don’t know, my Pretties.  Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . .  I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents.  Your move, writers.

Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?

Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.

The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .

(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash  . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.)  Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job.  And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.

The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough.  The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing.  In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .

Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though.  These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another.  And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.”  Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards.  This was how Jason found out about his paternity.  It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.

“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?” 

Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week.  Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky.  But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.

 

Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows.  And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened.  He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison.  And Spencer believes him.

“You are SO grounded, Mister!” 

The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison?  Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family?  Was it the members of the NAT club  (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them?  Or was it someone else entirely?

Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him.  But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities .  . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.

On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .

Caleb  isn’t the only one in hot water with the police.  Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.

Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria?  Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?

This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls.  Could “A” have doctored this photograph?  Or am I just overthinking things?  What are your thoughts, my Pretties?

Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help.  There go those sexy computer terms again!

Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them.  The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there).  The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.

Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities.  Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer.  But it’s up to Hanna to input the password.  Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password.   Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on.  “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.”  ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!

Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point.  And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER!  Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to  Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.

Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are.  And they are in!

Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”

“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.

Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too.  (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;))  Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first.  Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long.  “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.

“That’s what I’m trying to do .  . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.

But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .

In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any.  They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.

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By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA.  Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass.  And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password.  Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .

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In the final scene of the episode, we see Emily calling Maya to apologize for their fight, while SOMEONE watches Emily from her window.  Creepy!

Next week on PLL, Spencer SEDUCES WRENNNNNNN!

Oh, and I guess some other stuff happens too . . .

See you then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

Snitches, and Phonies, and Liars (Oh my!) – A Recap of Pretty Little Liars’ “The Naked Truth”

Greetings, my Pretties!   And Happy Truth Up Day!  Considering how, most PLL episodes revolve around the lies various characters tell, and the secrets they keep, I thought it was kind of fitting to have an episode that focused on truth, for a change.  “The Naked Truth” was all about characters stripping down, spilling their guts, and coming clean.  So, open up your blacklight pen, and power up your photo shop, because it’s time for another Pretty Little Recap . . .

Change your attitude . . . Change your coat

Don’t you just hate it when someone uses your phone to take a naked picture of themselves someone else, and then sends that picture to the ENTIRE SCHOOL?

Maybe not . . . 

Our episode begins in the Principal’s Office, where Hanna and her mother are facing child pornography trafficking charges.  And yet our favorite blonde still can’t be bothered to put her cell phone on vibrate.  Awk-warrrrrd  . . .

*cell phone begins to play “Sexy and I Know It” by LMFAO*

HANNA and KATE: (in unison) “That’s not mine.”

PRINCIPAL: “Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle YEAH!” 

Want even more awkward?  How about the fact that everyone in this room answers to the same last name?

Anywhoo . . . Evil Stepmonster Mommy thinks Hanna should be expelled for sending the nudie shot, in question, which, of course, Hanna denies taking, in the first place.  Through it all, Evil Stepsister Kate sits in silence crying crocodile tears, and wondering whether the principal is picturing her naked, while he’s talking to her.  (Yes, Kate.  He absolutely is!)

“I’ve already printed out a copy for my wallet!” 

Rather than expel Hanna for a crime she swears she didn’t commit, Mr. Principal decides instead that the two girls should air out their own differences, while in the same group at the school sponsored lock-in type event, “Truth Up Day.”

Meanwhile, back at Spencer’s house, the rest of the PLL girls are very confused about the Pretty Little Red Peacoat they retrieved using Ali’s old storage claim tag, under the pseudonym Vivian Darkbloom.

ARIA: “It’s only one color . . . and doesn’t come with any loud patterns.   Lame!”

SPENCER: “Where’s the matching hat?  I need my matching hat!”

EMILY: “I bet Maya would think I looked hot in that jacket . . .” 

Emily seems unusually tense about the whole situation.  “I feel like we are in a bad place,” she warns.

Spencer, of course, is having none of that.  “We are in my living room, Emily.  We are holding a coat,” she retorts . . .

Game, set, match, for Spencer, on that one . . .

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Since the peacoat in question is not really Ali’s style, the girls suspect that Ali used it to perpetuate her Vivian Darkbloom identity, in hopes of bringing down “A,” once and for all.

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While fondling the dead girl’s coat, the girls notice a slip of paper containing a telephone number, in one of the pockets.

“Who the heck writes down  telephone numbers, anymore?  That’s what cell phones are for!  Silly, Vivian Darkbloom!” 

The girls promptly dial the number, and leave a message, claiming to be “friends of Vivian’s,” which, isn’t a lie . . . at least, not exactly  . . .

From Boil-n-Baggies to Bags of Pills to Bad Intentions . . .

At school, everyone is looking at Hanna like she’s a TOTAL PERV!

Meanwhile, Emily is SUPER pissed at the principal, for keeping her off the swim team, based solely on that whole, the “PLL Girls Touched the Ali Murder Shovel” thing .  . .  Also at school,  Holden should really learn to keep his school bag closed, especially, if that’s where he wants to hide his drugs.

“Oh, hello there, Holden’s Drugs.  Fancy meeting you here!” 

“Doh!” 

“It only works, if you pull on the end,” says Holden to Aria, as the two tug on opposite ends of a ream of paper.  And my mind immediately goes to dirty places . . .

A few feet away, someone trips over Holden’s bag, sending the telltale pill bag flying out into the open.   “Oh Hol-den!  You have some ‘splaining to do!”

Upon seeing the pills, Aria gets that look on her face, that actresses tend to reserve for Lifetime Movies and After School Specials . . .

*insert dramatic, Drugs are BAAAAAAD, music here*

Meanwhile, Blind Jenna is canoodling with Bushy Eyebrows Noel  . . .

Please excuse me for a moment, while I go hurl . . . 

OK . . . I’m back now. 

Then, Spencer runs into Facelift Vampire Jason at the school, you know because he’s a diddler of teenagers “mentor” and stuff.   He tells Spencer that she should give her dad a “message” that he’s been awaiting his call.  But Facelift Vampire Jason says “message” like most of us would say threatening, scary things like, “knife through the throat,” “bullet wound to the head,” and, in Facelift Vampire Jason’s case, “bite on the neck.”  So, you really can’t blame Spencer for being a bit concerned, on her father’s behalf, douchey as said father might be . . .

“I want to suck your blood, chew off your face, and give your father a ‘message.'”

“Oh no!  Not a ‘message’ . . . anything but that!”

Then, Aria’s mom comes by to beg Facelift Vampire Jason to be a chaperone at Truth Up Day.  (Because that’s just what high schools need at their sleepover events, more bloodsucking vampire chaperones!)

That’s Aria’s mom, doing her best vampire impression . . . 

At first, Facelift Vampire Jason says “no dice.”  It’s really hard to suck on teenagers, with all those pesky chaperones around.  But when Aria’s mom casually notes that Spencer’s parents might be there, he promptly changes his mind.  Hey, maybe he will get the chance to deliver his “message” after all!

At Hanna’s house, Hanna’s mom confronts her about the whole pervy child porn picture thing. She reminds Hanna that she would crush anyone who tried to hurt her daughter.  But she needs to know who’s during the “hurting,” before she can start doing the “crushing.”

“I’ll give her a ‘message’ she’ll never forget.” 

Hanna looks genuinely distraught, but flawlessly so.  (As an ugly crier myself, I’m always seriously jealous of those people with a talent for “pretty crying.”  And Hanna is a Gorgeous Crier.)

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Hanna wants her mother to know that she didn’t do this totally awful thing.  Yet, if she spills the beans about “A,” she will be potentially putting yet another person she loves in danger.  And she definitely doesn’t want to do that.  So, instead, she continues to suffer in silence . . .

“Why not just skip the step, and jump out the window?”

Awkwardness abounds, as the students arrive at Rosewood, armed with sleeping bags, and cellphones that have been forcibly turned off.  A misty chill hangs in the air between Aria and Holden, now that Aria thinks Holden is a High School Drug Lord.  Glares are exchanged between Hanna and Evil Sister.  And Facelift Vampire Jason growls with fangy rage, when he learns that Spencer’s dad won’t be present at the event.  But, hey, at least he could deliver his “message” to Spencer’s mom!

“You and your messages better stay away from me.  I’m a lawyer!” 

Oh, an then there’s Blind Jenna creepily playing the piano in the music room.  First the flute, now the piano.  Is there any instrument in the world this girl doesn’t play?  Next, we will probably see her with a tambourine, or massive-sized harp . . .

“I guess Three Blind Mice would be an inappropriate song to request.” 

 Also in the group with Blind Jenna — and led by Spencer’s mom, and Facelift Vampire Jason — are Caleb and Aria.  It’s fun to get to see these two interact with one another, for a change.

I’d ship it, but I’m pretty sure Hanna would beat me up, if I did . . . 

Emily and Mona are in Hanna’s mom’s group.  And these two are saucy little duo.  When Mama Marin suggests the students take a step forward, if they don’t want to be “here”  . . .

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 . . .  Mona suggests this, instead . . .

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As for Emily, she decides to take multiple steps forward for every statement Mama Marin makes, because she thinks just one, is simply not enough . . .  (She’s also probably one of those girls, who always cheated at “Mother May I,” when she was a kid.  I HATED those girls.  I played “Mother May I” fair, dammit!)

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Emily’s real gripe, of course, is against the Principal for continuing to keep her off the swim team.  The fact that he happens to be there at the time, allows her to direct her dagger glare at his smug face.  “Message” sent . . . and received.

“I’m currently experiencing a pain where my heart is supposed to be.  Is this guilt, or just indigestion?” 

The Principal calls Emily over, and basically tells her she’s not on the swim team, because she’s a bad seed, sucks, and pretty much deserves everything she gets . . .  How’s that for making students feel “welcome” at their school!

“This is why, in high school horror movies, the principal always dies first.  Just sayin'” 

Mona watches this exchange from a far with interest.  You could just tell she’s cooking up a plan in that devious little mind of hers . . .

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Speaking of not feeling welcome, Aria conveniently forgets to turn off her phone, which allows her to get yet another text message from “A.”  This time, the target seems to be Aria’s “new friend.”

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So . . . who’s the friend?  Is it Beard Boy Holden, or Techno Boy Toy Caleb?  Always more questions . . .

The Blame Game

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In Hanna and Evil Stepsister Kate’s bouncy ball tossing group, Kate whines that people at her new school aren’t “nice people.”  (Yeah, Kate, because YOU’RE a real sweetheart!)  Bushy Eyebrows Noel takes opportunity to leer at Kate, and tell her how nice she looks, all “nekkid.” The Caterpillars that live above his eyeballs seem to agree . . .

The whole exchange causes Hanna to blow up, and ask her group whether they really think she’s a bully.  Ooh . . .here’s a hint, Hanna.  Don’t ask questions, if you REALLY don’t want to know their answers . . .

Fortunately, Caleb is waiting for her on the roof, with a hug, some words of encouragement, and a little tongue  . . .

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“Oh honey.  You are just too good in bed to be a bully!”

Oh, did I mention that Caleb put the smackdown on puss-faced Blind Jenna in group, after she started b*tching and complaining about how terribly SHE gets treated at school?

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It was pretty effing awesome, I’m not going to lie.  In fact, I haven’t had this much fun during a PLL episode, since Hanna slapped Jenna in the face . . .

 OK . . . so that might have seemed REALLY rude, back then.  But now we know the wench had it coming . . .

During a brief break, Emily takes the time to apologize to Mona for the way Ali used to bully her.  Mona claims she’s WAY past that “That was like, two personalities ago!” She exclaims, nonchalantly.

But the look on her face seems to suggest that Mona’s still holding on to quite a bit of baggage from her outcast days.  However, for now, she’s Emily’s greatest savior.  Why?  Because Mona happens to know that the Principal takes bribes from members of the football team, to keep them on the squad despite bad behavior.  And she’s got the mad hacker skills to prove it!

Viewers for whom Mona remains their chief “A” suspect, got a ton of clues, in their favor, this week.  For starters, she’s clearly computer savvy, as we already know “A” to be.  She has the motive of years of bullying.  And, as we heard in this episode, when Mona contacted Emily on the loud speaker, she’s pretty adept at disguising her voice, as necessary.

“Computers are my only friends . . .” 

Additionally, Mona’s previous job working in the Principals office clearly gave her access to a ton of information about all of the students of Rosewood High, most notably the PLL girls . . . not to mention all the additional scoop she must have dug up by being Hanna’s bestie.

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But does this make Mona too obvious of a choice?  I think so . . . a reveal of Mona as “A” would probably disappoint many fans, for that very reason.  But hey, she did manage to get Emily back on the swim team, with her scheming, blackmaily ways.  So, yay for that!

In slightly less positive news, Aria and Beard Holden broke up their faux-lationship . . . presumably, because of the whole “drugs thing.”

What a shame!  I was just starting to like their fake dates!  I really hope they fake make-up soon!

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Regarding the room where everybody anonymously wrote their secrets using a blacklight pen . . . a few of those secrets bear very special significance to our story . . .  (Also, it just looks really cool.  So, I’ve decided to share the picture with you.)

Well, we can be pretty sure none of the PLL girls wrote the “never been kissed,” secret.  But Aria might be the virgin!

 .  . . despite regular efforts to make it not so . . .

As for the “I’m afraid of my dad,” confession, my money’s on Holden.  It would certainly explain the bruise on his stomach, and why he never seems to want to go home.  It also might explain his actions at the end of the episode. 😉  As for the taunting, “I know who killed Alison Dilaurentis . . .” well, I’m going to go with Jenna or Mona for that one.  Both girls seem like such obvious “A” candidates that they just HAVE to know more than they are letting on . . . (assuming, of course, that neither is actually “A.”)

A Match Frowned Upon by the Gods

Upon overhearing her mother fighting with Facelift Vampire Jason about truth, justice, and the illegitimate bastard child way .  . . Spencer makes the Spencer Face . . .

Then, she remembers that time when Melissa and Facelift Vampire Jason got caught making out in their car, and Ali responded by making all these naughty incest jokes.

“A match frowned upon by the gods,” Ali quips.  “This is more interesting than the guy who kills and eats his dates.”

More interesting, indeed.  But, for the record, I happen to think that Facelift Vampire Jason does kill and eat his dates  . . . I mean, he is a vampire, after all . . .

Later that night, Spencer confronts Facelift Vampire Jason with the fact that they might very well be half siblings.  He doesn’t deny it . . .

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Spencer understandably feels hurt and betrayed about being left out of the loop on this.  After all, given the younger Hastings’ siblings penchant for dating older men, there’s a good chance that Spencer could have ended up doing a lot more than make out with Facelift Vampire Jason, if left to her own devices . . .

And though Spencer gave her mom a bit of a verbal smackdown, at the end of the episode,  it’s her father that really has some explaining to do . . .

Now, Spencer that’s no way to talk about the newest additions to your family tree . . . 

Speaking of “rotten fruit under the family tree” . . .

Busted by a Birthmark . . .

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One of the problems with using photoshop to improve the quality your sexts is that, eventually, the person to whom you sent the picture is going to actually have to see you naked.  Evil Stepsister Kate just never figured that the person seeing her naked was going to be the same girl she was trying to screw over . . .

Get thee to a dermatologist, STAT!

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I absolutely adored the scene where Hanna got Kate to admit that she was the one, who sent that naked picture of herself to the whole school on Hanna’s phone.  And when Emily and Aria emerged in unison from the bathroom stalls, smiling and holding out matching cell phones that had recorded the conversation, I’m not embarrassed to say I did a little dance of joy . . .

BUSTED! 

I also loved seeing the smug, and self-righteous look wiped right off of Mama Isabel’s face, when she found out from the principal exactly what her “sweet daughter” had done . . .

Where’s Caleb?  (And why is your hand on my leg?)

Now, that the whole “Porno Kate” situation has been properly handled, Hanna becomes concerned that Blind Jenna and Bushy Eyebrows Noel might be after Caleb, because (1) of what he said to Blind Jenna in group; (2) because they seem to be working for “A,” and he has their phone.  Though, admittedly, I’m not quite sure why she sent Aria to find him, as opposed to going herself . . .

“If we are playing hide-and-seek, Aria, you are very, very bad at this game . . .”

Walking right past Caleb, as he types away in front of an OPEN WINDOW, Aria finds herself on the creepy, windy rooftop, screaming Caleb’s name . . . and not in a sexy way, either . . .  The minute she walked past that heavy door, held open by a rock, I just knew she was going to get locked up there by “A.”  What I didn’t expect was for Bushy Eyebrows Noel to start yanking on her legs, while she climbed a ladder, like the villains always do, in those action flicks.

Then, this happened  . . .

Never has Beard Boy Holden looked hotter than when he drop-kicked Noel in the nuts, to rescue Aria from his clutches.  It was 100% awesome sauce!  In fact, I may have to stop calling him Beard Boy, and start calling him Fight Club!

But Aria’s on to him . . .”Did someone jump you like that?  Is that how you got the bruises?” She wonders out loud . . .

Well, Holden, I’m sorry that you probably have an abusive dad and/or regularly used to get your ass kicked by people who don’t approve of your choice of mate.  That sucks!  But hey, at least you have a better nickname, now!

In other news, at the end of the night,  Emily’s and Aria’s regular calls from “Vivian” and “Vivian’s friend” to the number in Ali’s peacoat seem to have paid off.  Though, at first, someone who sounded suspiciously like Mona told them to piss off, when they called.  This time, the person on the other end of the line actually agrees to meet with them.

The plot . . . it thickens.

Oh, and as for Techno Boy Toy Caleb, he may be great at cracking cell phones, playing hide-and-go-seek, and being Hanna’s savior, but he sure is crappy at guarding his personal items.  Boyfriend is dumb enough to fall asleep at the school, with his precious laptop exposed to the world.

Is it any wonder the damn thing gets stolen in the middle of the night?

 Next week, on Pretty Little Liars . . .

Until then, my Pretties!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

The Secret (and Scandalous) Lives of Gleeks – A Recap of Glee’s “Rumours”

Of all the secrets revealed in this week’s episode of Glee, this one, about Lord Tubbington, was probably the most shocking . . .

I’ve got a secret.  (Shhh!  Don’t tell anyone.) 

Before seeing this episode of Glee, I knew next to nothing about Fleetwood Mac.  I didn’t know who they were, or what songs they sang, or why their band name sounds like something you’d see on the menu at McDonalds. 

“I’ll have a Fleetwood Mac with Cheese, please.”

Come to think of it, saying I knew “next to nothing” about Fleetwood Mac was probably a bit generous, on my part.  Right?

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And since this week’s Glee installment was based entirely on ONE Fleetwood Mac album (entitled, appropriately enough “Rumors”) I’m at a bit of a disadvantage, in terms of writing this recap. 

But one thing I DO know a lot about is GOSSIP.  After all, EVERYBODY gossips.  GOSSIP IS FUN . . . at least, when it’s not about YOU.  Fortunately, all of the gossip in this week’s episode is about the GLEE KIDS (and Will).  So, we can just sit back, relax, and enjoy the train wrecks that are OTHER people’s lives, for a change! 

Sorry Mr. Schue!

So, what are we waiting for?  Let’s start spreading those NASTY rumors, we all secretly love so much!

Santana “bats for the Pink Team,” Mike Chang has a big . . . eggroll, and Brittany’s cat EATS CHEESE!

“So, let me get this straight . . . it’s a show . . . within a show . . . within a recap .  . . about the show.  How META!”

 Geez!  For a television character who doesn’t know how to sign her own name, only writes in crayon, and was once quoted as saying that she “[doesn’t] know how to turn on a computer,” Brittany S. Pearce sure is tech savvy! 

“I don’t even know what either of those words mean.”

I mean, it’s not easy to create your own online webshow, complete with expert camera handling (Who exactly was supposed to be filming that bit, anyway?), a VERY catchy opening theme song, and snazzy on-screen graphics!  And yet, somehow, Brittany hosts Fondue for Two, which I’m pretty sure is the best web program ON THE PLANET! 

(I’m serious!  More of THIS, please!)

Perhaps, one of the coolest things about Fondue for Two (aside from it teaching us that Mike Chang’s abs aren’t the only part of his body that’s “firm and strong”) . . .

“My boyfriend’s Hot Dog is THIS BIG!”

“I find that offensive.”

 . . . was that it finally introduced us to BRITTANY’S CAT, LORD TUBBINGTON!

Now THOSE are some hot abs . . .

Though Lord Tubbington (or as I like to refer to him Tubbie Bear) had never appeared on Glee before, his reputation certainly proceeds him.  After all, he and Brittany have what you would call a “love-hate relationship.”  Remember when Brittany worried that her cat was reading her diary? 

A younger (and slightly thinner) Lord Tubbington caught in the act . . .

How, about the time when Brittany became convinced that her dentist, Dr. Carl, was actually her cat in disguise?

“Mind if I lick your face?”

And, this week, Brittany let Lord Tubbington eat cheese right out of her fondue pot (He’s on the Atkins Diet), and get interviewed on her web show, even though she “knows he started smoking again.”

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LORD TUBBINGTON THINKS:  “Dammit, she must have found my secret stash in the litter box.  I thought I buried it really deep too!”

Personally, I’m hoping Tubbie Bear becomes a series regular on the show, complete with his own solo number and love interest . . .

“What’s new, Pussy Cat?”

Sue’s Evil Plan to Ruin # 5,672 (and 5,673)

Breaking News:  Sue Sylvester just signed on to play an Extra in Avatar 2 – Electric Boogaloo

Back in Evil Villain Land, Sue inexplicably dresses up as a scary aging rockstar, and an even scarier Republican . . .

This image gave me nightmares.

Apparently, some one in the writers room thought this was really funny / a good idea.  That makes one of us . . .

Anywhoo . . . this week Sue tries to bring down the Glee Club, by starting a newspaper, who’s sole purpose is to spread rumors, through fake blind items about Glee Club members . . .

Terri’s idea to ruin the Glee club is a bit more practical.  She calls upon April Rhodes . . .

SURPRISE, Glee Fan!  You’ve just won Another Recycled Guest Star!

 . . .  and convinces her to invite Will to star with her in her own Broadway production about her life (Such a humble character, that April!).  After all, Terri knows that Will has always wanted to take his shot at succeeding on the Great White Way . . .

Sing it, Schuester!

And if April can convince him to move to New York with her, not only will Sue get Will out of the Glee club, Terri will get Will out of his apartment, so SHE can move back in.  (Pretty clever, right?)

And today’s lesson is . . .

OMG!  What is with these bizarre facial expressions?  Step aside, Jim Carrey!  Hollywood has a Brand New Rubberface (who probably charges a whole lot less than you do . . .)

Just as planned, Sue’s blind items tear the Glee club to shreds!  First Santana calls Brittany out for OUTING her as LEBANESE in public.  (As it turns out, when she said Santana was “batting for the other team,” she was actually only referring to extracurricular activities.)  Meanwhile, Finn thinks Quinn is cheating on him with Sam; Quinn thinks Finn is cheating on HER with Rachel; and Artie thinks Brittany is cheating on HIM with Santana (which, of course, she TOTALLY is).  It’s just a WHOLE BIG MESS.

But fear not, Gleeks!  Because in our darkest hour, there is only one thing on which we can count: Will Schuester and his Lucky Episode Sponsor Lesson of the Week . . .  That’s right boys and girls!  To teach his little kiddies the importance of being able to rise above the hurtful power of rumors, Will has chosen to force his class to sing songs who’s lyrics revolve around the hurtful power of rumors.  an album that actually has little to do with secrets or gossip, but just so happens to be called “Rumours.”  HOORAY!

Will’s idea is that since, singing these particular songs, helped keep Fleetwood Mac from breaking up, covering them will keep New Directions from falling apart.  IT’S GENIUS!  (Well . . . not really . . . but we can pretend, right?)

Will’s Dreams . . . are Dead . . . (Or Are They?)

To kick things off, Will introduces Three-Time Guest Star April Rhodes (One more appearance, and she wins a free dinner at The Olive Garden Breadsticks) to the class AGAIN.  April then proceeds to bump, grind, and inappropriately seduce the underage males in the class (and Will) with her rendition of Fleetwood Mac’s “Dreams.”

Like I said, the relationship this particular song has to “rumors” is pretty tenuous.  But April does a nice job with it, and the kids seem to enjoy it enough.  April continues her plot to seduce Will over to the Dark Side of the Great White Way, through (1) a homecooked meal of Flirtation and Eye F*ckery . . .

Was anybody else watching this scene worried that either April or Will would end up setting their matching butt chins on fire?  Come to think of it . . . that would have been really funny.

. . . and (2) a RIDICULOUSLY BAD original song duet  .  . .

Not surprisingly, by the time April pops the “Come to Broadway with Me” question, Will is already well-primed toward saying “yes.”  Further complicating matters, is a surprisingly supportive, New and Improved / Washes Fruit Significantly Less, Emma . . .

Look guys!  Emma ate this grape off the FLOOR, after only soaking in water it for ONE-HALF HOUR!

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Talk about better living through chemistry!

Anyway, New and Improved Emma thinks Will is “really talented” and should “follow his dreams.”  Hearing this admission causes the Schue to cry.

But, fortunately, having undoubtedly been told by show producers his friends that his Ugly Cry Face would frighten the Boogeyman himself, Will tones it down a notch with the Facial Squinchiness . . .

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Less Ugly Cry Face, More Eye F*&kery and Mutual Fruit Fondling

As it turns out, Will feels genuinely torn between pursuing his dream of fame and fortune, and . . . hanging out with the Glee kids / f*&king washing fruits with Emma . . .  Such a dilemma!

To make matters worse, Sue sends out Brittany to pepper Schue with questions about his Broadway Aspirations (and, of course, what type of underwear he wears . . . inquiring minds want to know).

It looks like the answer is “boxer briefs (with stuffed chickens coming out of the crotch).”

“Will’s Hot Dog is this big . . .”  (Sorry Schue!  It looks like Mike Chang has you beat, this time!)

When THAT doesn’t work, Sue publishes an article in her paper stating that Will has ALREADY decided to leave McKinley for Broadway.  Met with an upset bunch of Glee kids, Will quickly puts rumors of his departure from the cast McKinley to rest.  Nevertheless, based on the pouty, mopey, I just poopied in my boxer brief look on his face, at the end of the episode . . .

. . . coupled with New Directions upcoming trip to Broadway’s NYC for the Glee Club National Competition, I can’t help but think that, for better or worse, this particular storyline is FAR from over . . .

Brittany gets screwed over by EVERYONE (except the chain-smoking, but still very loveable, Lord Tubbington, of course!)

Now, THAT’S an Attractive Cry Face!

Poor Brittany!  She just couldn’t win this week!  First a TRUE rumor gets published in the school newspaper that she’s been cheating on Artie with Santana.  When Artie confronts her about it, Brittany informs him that SANTANA told HER that having sex with a GIRL does not equal cheating on your BOYfriend.  Artie accuses Santana of manipulating Brittany into engaging in Horizontal Lebanese Dancing with her. 

And when Brittany comes to Santana’s defense, calling her lover a “good person,” Artie REALLY loses it.  “Why are you SO stupid?”  He asks.

“Oh, HELL TO THE NO!”

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“You were the only person who never called me that,” exclaims Brittany, before dashing off, right into SANTANA’S ARMS!

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After EFFING UP ROYALLY, Artie tried to insert his foot in his mouth.  Unfortunately . . . well . . . you know . . . he can’t do that .  . . So, instead, he sang a Fleetwood Mac song, while the entire male student body magically appeared behind him to accompany him on their guitars . . .

“Where the heck did all these people come from?”

The song is called “Never Going Back Again,” and it pretty much symbolizes the end of the “Bartie” relationship, as we know it.  The song goes a little something like this . . . (Click the internal link to view.)

Meanwhile, Santana shares HER true feelings with Brittany (who’s breakup with Artie has her feeling like a “Sad Panda”) . . .

Sad Pandas are AWESOME!

 . . .by serenading her with (SURPRISE!) another Fleetwood Mac song.  This one is called “Songbird.”  And it’s lyrics are about as lovey-dovey / mushy gushy as they come . . .

But sexy lesbian serenades are not enough for Brittany.  She wants Santana out of the closet, and she wants her out NOW, dammit!  Of course, Santana is worried that coming out as a lesbian will cause the kids at school to treat her differently. 

So, Brittany offers to come out, HERSELF first, on Fondue for Two, by asking Santana to prom.  Then, Santana can follow suit.  Sounds like a good idea, right? 

WRONG!  Poor Britt gets STOOD UP on webshow night. (She is forced to interview Tubbie Bear on the show, instead.  Maybe she should ask HIM to prom!)  She is then further insulted, upon hearing Santana purposefully starting rumors about her and Karofsky hooking up, sending the Lebanese Dancer even further back into the closet.  “Vote Santofsky for Prom King and Queen,” Santana exclaims, in an interview with McKinley High’s resident Nerd Ball Jacob Ben Israel . . .

Unfortunately, it like our Poor Sad Panda isn’t going to be a Happy Bamboo Chewing One (See, what I did there?) for at least another week . . .

Thank goodness she has such an Attractive Cry Face, or she’d be TOTALLY screwed!

Stakeouts are fun! (But not nearly as fun as Car Sex!)

RACHEL:  “When people go to hotel rooms to have affairs, don’t they usually CLOSE the curtains?  I mean, we can see those people doing it!”

FINN: (distracted) “You know, I’ve never seen that ‘position’ done before.  It looks rather painful.”

RACHEL:  “I think you are right.  Let’s test it out . . . for scientific purposes, I mean.”

Brittana and Bartie-land isn’t the only place where Love Triangle Angst is brewing!  When a blind item in the school paper suggests that Quinn has been seen spending late nights at a Seedy Motel called, conveniently enough, “The American Family Hotel” (haha!) with Sam, Rachel (out of the “goodness of her heart”) offers to accompany Finn on his “stakeout” of the place.  What they find there is THIS . . .

Rachel (who, at the beginning of the episode, asked Sam to prom and was DENIED) is partially relieved, by this recent turn of events.  Now, she can rest assured that Sam is only not interested in her because he is already taken, not because she is unbearably annoying, as was previously thought.  This also gives Rachel the PERFECT opportunity to get into those Finn Hudson Pantalones!  (HOORAY!)

Silly CAMERA angle!  You cut out the best part!

Of course, when Quinn is confronted about this so-called affair, she denies it.  Furthermore, she accuses FINN of cheating on HER with Rachel.  Then again, these three individuals are ALL such chronic cheaters / bed hoppers, you really can’t blame any of them for not trusting one another . . .

Nevertheless, Rachel attempts to prove that SHE is the right woman for the Satisfy Finn Sexually job through . . . you guessed it . . . yet another Fleetwood Mac song . . .

This one is called, “Go Your Own Way” . . .

The plot thickens when, the NEXT NIGHT, Rachel and Finn car f*ck stake out the Seedy Motel again, only to come upon THIS . . .

I smell a Motel Orgy!

So, NOW, of course, Rachel and Finn are convinced that KURT is cheating on Blaine with SAM . . .

“Take my man from me, and I will SWALLOW YOU WHOLE, Trouty Mouth!”

To add further fuel to the fire, Rachel notices that Sam has started  . . . um . . . wearing Kurt’s CLOTHES . . .

 .  . . (but fortunately nothing from his Ugly Hat Collection).

But Quinn insists that Sam is NOT GAY.  So, eventually, Rachel and Finn see no choice but to comfront  Sam directly at Glee practice . . . in front of EVERYBODY.

“They think I’m a TOTAL male whore .  . . AWESOME!”

Sam then proceeds to make Finn and Rachel feel like Absolute and Complete Sh*t, by informing them that, the reason half the cast has been visiting him at the Sleazebag Motel is that he’s been . . . wait for it . . . LIVING THERE!

Say it ain’t so, Trouty Mouth!

As it turns out, Sam’s dad lost his job, which caused Sam’s family to lose their house, which caused Sam to sell ALL HIS CLOTHES, and move in with his ENTIRE family (including two younger siblings) into this fleabag motel. 

As for Quinn and Kurt, they had both learned about this beforehand (Quinn through her Church Group, and Kurt through Sam delivering pizzas at night to Dalton Academy where Kurt and Blaine regularly grabbed midnight snacks, after rousing rounds of Hard Core Sex), and were simply trying to be supportive to their friend, by lending him clothing, and a shoulder to cry on. 

In a rousing finale, the Glee Club bands together to repurchase Sam’s sold guitar back for him.  Together, the group celebrates Sam’s Newfound Poverty with . . . do I even have to say it . . . a FLEETWOOD MAC song.  This one I actually recognized.  It’s called “Don’t Stop” (which should not be confused with that OTHER “Don’t Stop” song the Glee kids sing.  That song’s title, unlike this one, ends with the word, “Believing”)

And that was “Rumours,” in a nutshell.  As you can probably tell from this recap, it wasn’t exactly my favorite episode.  Yet, “Rumours” did feature some incredible acting on the parts of Chord Overstreet (Who knew Trouty Mouth had it in him?), Naya Rivera, and Heather Morris.  And, of course, there was the adorable Lord Tubbington.

I said it once before, but it bears repeating.

Next week’s prom-themed episode, on the other hand, promises to be SUPER exciting, complete with girlfights, romance, weird wardrobe choices, the return of old villains, and, hopefully, NO MORE FLEETWOOD MAC songs!  You can check out the surprisingly intense trailer for the episiode here:

See, ya next time, Gleeks!

[www.juliekushner.com]

The Worst of Both Worlds – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Klaus”

ELENA:  “So, what you are telling me is that Klaus is your ‘brotha from anotha papa?'”

ELIJAH:  “Hells yeah, shortie!”

ELENA:  “That’s off the heezy!”

ELIJAH:  “Fo schizzle, my dizzle.”

Oh, TVD!  How you slay me with your Twisty Turny Plot Devices!  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’m still recovering from the multiple stakes this show has driven through my heart, in the course of a single hour.  Every time I thought I had things figured out, in popped those wily writers again, to stab me with a new piece of information that would undoubtedly change everything . . .

Admittedly, like most of the show’s Flashback Episodes, “Klaus” was a tad more “talk-y” than your average Vampire Diaries’ installment.  And yet, the hour still packed a few MAJOR punches, thanks to some truly shocking revelations, which were very politely brought to our attention, courtesy of THIS GUY . . .  

That’s right, my fellow fangbangers!  Elijah is back!  And if history any indication, he’s quickly shaping up to be the “New Stefan”  . . . or perhaps, more accurately, the Old One.  Of course,  if Elijah is the New/Old Stefan, that begs a very important question:  Who’s Klaus?

“In the iconic words of Damon Salvatore, ‘That’s for me to know, and you to dot, dot, dot . . .”

As you may have already guessed, our mission this week, should we choose to accept it, is to learn more about the titular “Klaus.”   Where did he come from?  What makes him tick?  And, perhaps, most importantly, what the heck does he want with OUR Elena? 

Let’s examine the evidence, shall we?

Don’t Wake The Elijah!

ELIJAH:  “I just had the most AWFUL dream, Elena!  I came to your lakehouse to talk to you, and you DROVE A STAKE THROUGH MY HEART!  Then, someone stuck me in the trunk of their car, dragged me back to this mansion, and threw me in a wine cellar.  After that, someone tried to SET ME ON FIRE WITH A BLOW TORCH!  That didn’t work.  So, I laid DEAD, on the COLD HARD FLOOR, for MANY, MANY EPISODES .  . .”

ELENA:  *whistles awkwardly*

We begin our episode right where we left off, last week.  Elena has just “de-staked” Elijah (something we all know she is VERY good at doing) . . .

“That’s right, Elena, you just keep pulling it out . .  . HARD!”

So, now, our heroine is just waiting for him to “wake up.”  And, “wake up,” Elijah DOES!  Of course, lying with a stake in your heart for many, many days,  would take it’s toll on ANYBODY.  So, to say Elijah is not exactly “at his best,” when Elena first sees him, is pretty much the Biggest Understatement EVER . . .

 His hair still looks fabulous though .  . .

I’ll be honest, when Elijah first opens his eyes to the woman who gave him the “Big Sleep,” I expect some  Vampire Rose-esque CRAAAAAAZY MAN Vampire Hijinks, complete with lots of growling, and images of Elena skittering around the mansion, like a scared mouse. 

Ahhh, memories!

But Poor Elijah is much more the Confused Old Grandpa, Who Just Misplaced his Pants, than a Savage Beast.  And I can’t help feeling kind of bad for the guy, as he stumbles and trips around the Salvatore Mansion, clothes torn, and face ashen. 

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He repeatedly mistakes Elena for Katherine, and complains of difficulty breathing.  Remember, just because he was DRAGGED into “Elena’s” house, didn’t necessarily mean he was INVITED in there.  (Nice TOUCH, TVD!)

“Might I trouble you for a spot of tea?”

By the time, Elijah has successfully escaped Elena’s Casa de Rich and Awesome, and Elena has silently handed him the White Oak Dagger that brought about his untimely demise, he seems more relieved to have the color back in his oh-so-pretty face, than anything else.  So, off “new besties” Elijah and Elen go to “hug it out” outside. 

Meanwhile, Stefan and Damon share a Bad Sitcom Moment, when they simultaneously realize that Elena is missing, and so is their Token Dead Guy . . .

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You can almost hear the artificial laugh track, as the brothers do matching facepalms, at the entranceway of the now-empty wine cellar . . .

While Elena and Elijah are chatting in the car, Stefan calls Elena’s cell phone.  She explains that Stefan shouldn’t worry.  She’s got everything under “control.”  After all, Elijah is a “noble man”, and she can “trust him.”  (Uhhhh . . . I don’t know, Stefan.  It sounds like a precursor to Hot Car Sex to me!)

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“I think you are really going to enjoy this, Elena.  I’ve been boning chicks, since the Days of the Caveman.  I know what women want.”

After Elena hangs up on his ass, Stefan acts kind of blase about the whole thing.  Some might even say he seems bored.  Stefan explains that he trusts his girlfriend to do the Right Thing, and yadda, yadda, yadda.  But Damon is SUPER PISSED!  NOBODY should be having sex with Elena in a car, EXCEPT HIM!

 (Fortunately, for Elijah, Damon is more of a Shower Sex Guy than a Backseat Car Humper . . . otherwise, the Dude would SO be DEAD, by now!)

(Just so you know, my goal is to somehow include this GIF in EVERY SINGLE RECAP I write for this show, between now and the finale.  I do hope you won’t mind. ;))

“We need to find her.  And we need to stop her,” exclaims Damon fiercely.

But Stefan forcefully grabs Damon, and tells him to “back off,” in the Brothers’ first of many “Bad Touches” (TM Cherie) of the evening . . .

Back in the Luuuuve Mobile, Elijah has tentatively agreed to resume his alliance with Elena, and to tell her everything he knows about Klaus.  But first, he needs a shower (Ahem!  No funny stuff, Elijah!)  and some new threads.  (Silly vampires, and their Fashion Requirements!) 

So, off the twosome head to the Lockwood Mansion to compel Mama Lockwood to give Elijah some clothes.  It’s in this mansion that the pair spend the majority of the episode, sipping tea and gossiping like school girls about the Good Old Days of Elijah and Klaus . . .

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I SMELL FLASHBACKS!

So, Tonight We’re Going to Party Like it’s 1492 . . .

KATHERINE:   “Lords Klaus and Elijah, you have the MOST FASCINATING HAIR  . . . you must introduce me to your stylists.”

ELIJAH:  “We’d love to . . . except . . . Klaus ate him last week . . .”

It is at this moment in the episode that the First Bombshell of the Hour is dropped . . . Klaus and Elijah are brothers .  . .

The siblings come from a large family, who, though born to human parents, ALL eventually became vampires.  (Way to create a Neverending Cavalcade of Prospective Villains for Season 3, writers!)  Apparently, ALL vampires (including Damon, Stefan, and Katherine herself) can be traced back in origin to this First Family . . .

This is what I like to call having a “Darth Vader is Your Dad and Probably F*&ked BOTH Your Girlfriends” moment . . .

Speaking of Katherine, Elijah meets her first.  And in true Salvatore Brothers fashion, it become immediately obvious that she “looks just like a woman he used to love.”  That’s right, boys and girls!  Katherine WASN’T the first Petrova Doppelganger to win the hearts of two Sibling Vamps.  In fact, it’s pretty heavily implied that her predecessor was a SERIOUS object of affection for BOTH Elijah and Klaus.  And it was HER untimely death, in the service of a Very Special Curse (more on that later), that caused the brothers to “close their hearts to love for good,” or so they thought . . .

At this point in the story, Elijah and Klaus are still pretty close.  Knowing that Klaus needs Katherine for his Sacrifice, Elijah introduces the Doppelganger to Klaus, personally.  And, to Elijah’s credit, he is a pretty SOLID Wingman, when it comes to getting these two Crazy Kids to hook up with one another . . .

 But then Klaus makes a fatal mistake in the Wooing of Katherine.  It’s a mistake commonly made by television characters involved in love triangles.   Fans of the old show Dawson’s Creek lovingly refer to this mistake as the Dawson Leery Lady-Bedding Blunder . . .

This TV Relationship No-No occurs when a character repeatedly neglects the object of their affection, thereby allowing their more charming and romantic (not to mention better looking) friend or sibling to swoop in and steal their girl away, usually FOR GOOD!

Stefan Salvatore, consider yourself warned . . .

We know, for certain, that the Bedding Blunder has happened, when we spy Katherine and Elijah FROLICKING together in the woods.  (Man!  Sometimes, I wish I lived during a time when people still “frolicked!”)

Katherine is flirtatiously pouting about Klaus not spending enough time with her.  Elijah half-heartedly sticks up for his brother.  But by the way he keeps making googly eyes at Katherine, you can tell Elijah no longer believes a word of what he’s saying.  And when Elijah tells Katherine he doesn’t believe in love, it’s SO obviously a case of “thou doth protest too much,” it’s not even funny!  More interesting is Katherine’s response, “True love isn’t real, unless it’s pretend.” 

This one-liner actually goes pretty far in explaining some of Katherine’s more head-scratching actions throughout the series.  Katherine is a lot like Klaus, in the sense that, to her, love is a game, one that can only be won through manipulation and the gaining of power over another individual.

Power . . . LOST!

Unfortunately, for Katherine, this time, SHE is the one getting played.  Because Klaus too has a theory about love.  He equates it with weakness.  And because he thinks it makes him “weak,” Klaus has decided to turn off any feelings of love he might genuinely have for Katherine.

It’s time for the Second Bombshell of the Episode.  In the next flashback scene, we see Elijah and Klaus poring over those Aztec Parchment documents that supposedly detail the Sun and Moon Curse.  The problem is, the documents weren’t created by Aztecs at all!  KLAUS WROTE THEM HIMSELF!

Yep, the Sun and the Moon Curse, with all its “ingredients,” (i.e. the witch, the vampire, the werewolf . . . etc.), it’s all COMPLETELY FAKE — a diversion tactic to keep the various races of supernatural creatures at odds with one another.  The curse Klaus ACTUALLY wants to break is one witches placed on HIM, specifically.  And it’s only ingredients are the Petrova Doppelganger and the Moonstone. 

This, of course, leads me to the Third Bombshell of the episode.  “Klaus and I have the same mother,” explains Elijah.  “But we do not share the same father . . . Klaus’ father was . . . (wait for it) . . . a WEREWOLF!”

“Say WHAT?”

So, basically, the REAL Sun and Moon Curse has NOTHING to do with werewolves being able to change at will.  Nor does it involve vampires being able to walk in the sun, without sunscreen rings.  It all has to do with Klaus, and his now-dormant WEREWOLF abilities.  If Klaus breaks THIS curse, he will become the World’s Very First Wolf / Vampire Hybrid. 

Now, the thought of THIS GUY as a WERE-VAMP, alone, is pretty frightening.  But, try this on for size:  Klaus’ ULTIMATE goal is to start a WHOLE NEW RACE of Vampire / Wolf  Hybrids.  So, if you are lucky enough to be one of the Chosen Ones . . .

But, if not . . . well . . .

Now, totally and completely in love with Katherine, Elijah spills the beans to her about Klaus’ plans.  This, of course, results in a VERY pissed off Klaus . . .

“I have a VERY BIG MOUTH . . . the better to EAT YOUR FACE with!

According to Elijah, he had come up with a plan to save Katherine.  This plan involved killing his own brother, after the Curse was Broken, during the vulnerable time period of his first werewolf transformation.  (Now, THAT’S what I call love!)

  But, as we all know, Elijah never had the chance to carry out his plan.  Katherine ran from Elijah and Klaus.  She then ultimately tricked Rose into turning her into a vampire. 

“You cared about her,” notes Captain Obvious Elena.

“It’s a common mistake, I’m told,” admits Elijah.  “One I won’t make again.”

(Oh, Elijah . . . don’t you realize you are on the Everybody Loves Elena Show?  I hate to break this to you, dude!  But  your DEFINITELY going to make that mistake AGAIN!)

“Alas, I suspect you are right, oh wise, TV Recapper!  But at least, THIS time,  I will have less ridiculous hair . . .”

Anyway . . . back in Present Day, Klaus is still alive and well.  And Elena is paying the price for her “twin’s” now centuries old mistakes . . .

Speaking of Katherine, things are DEFINITELY looking up for her, lately . . .

Going Rogue . . .

DAMON:  “So, I hear we are getting to do some Almost Nude Scenes together this week?”

ANDIE:  “You are going to be ALMOST NUDE?”  *does little dance of joy*

DAMON:  “Nope . . . just YOU.”

ANDIE:  “Well, that’s LAME!”

DAMON:  “I know, right?”

Purposefully ignoring Stefan’s instructions to sit on the bench for this round of the Save Elena Games, Damon commandeers Sex Toy Andie to Go Rogue with him.  (Can I just say, never has the phrase “Go Rogue” sounded sexier, than when it was coming out of Ian Somerhalder’s lips.)  The so-called couple pays a visit to Alaric’s house, where Damon knows that Katherine is currently doing some compulsion-induced house-sitting.  (If, by chance, you are wondering where AlarKlaus is?  More on him later . . .)

“Hey, I’m bored.   You guys up for a threesome?”

Having been compelled not to leave the house, Katherine is understandably a bit grumpy, when Damon and Andie arrive.  After all, Katherine’s not exactly someone used to staying home, and missing out on all the good parties!  But hey, at least she’s not repeatedly stabbing her leg, anymore!

Progress!

Damon generously offers Kat a vial of vervain, reasoning that, since the pair both share a true hatred for Klaus, a Non-Compelled Kat will be a WAY more helpful asset to the Save Elena Games than a compelled one. 

Plus, now, she’s going to owe him, BIG TIME!

CHUG .  . . CHUG .  . . CHUG!

To celebrate her newfound Freedom from Mind Control, Katherine decides to numb her mental faculties in ANOTHER WAY, namely, by getting COMPLETELY WASTED on Alchy Alaric’s SUBSTANTIAL Liquor Stash, and dancing sluttily around the apartment with various inanimate household objects . . .

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My kind of girl!

But, then, AlarKlaus comes home unexpectly, following an impromptu “date” with Useless Aunt Jenna.  This forces Kat to do two things to which many teens can relate: (1) pretend to be sober, when she’s clearly not; and (2) pretend to follow “dad’s” orders, when she quite obviously no longer gives a DAMN!

Speaking of AlarKlaus’ and his “date” . . .

Do you like SCARY MOVIES, Useless Aunt Jenna?  (Because you are in one!)

“So, let me get this straight . . . vampires are real . . . and so are werewolves . . . and witches.  This probably means that zombies are real too . . . and wizards . . . and the Boogey Man . . . and the Tooth Fairy . . . and the Easter Bunny . . . and SANTA Claus (Klaus?)  So, many supernatural creatures of questionable trustworthiness to invite into my home, and so little time!  I better get started now.”

Useless Aunt Jenna wakes up from her two-episode hiatus, and suddenly remembers (gasp!), “I have minors I am supposed to be pretending to care about!”  So, she comes back to her house to try and remember what the heck these kids look like.  The problem, of course, is, they both have magically DISAPPEARED. 

(Actually, Jeremy is hanging out in a grave somewhere, with Wicked Witch Bonnie, and Elena is busy partying it up with the SECOND most dangerous vampire in the WORLD!  And what Responsible Parent would have a problem with that?)

“So, Elena’s banging vampires, huh?  Well, at least we won’t have to worry about her getting pregnant!”

Silly Stefan!  When Useless Aunt Jenna calls him to ask about her “kids'” whereabouts, he warns her not to let AlarKlaus into her home.  Doesn’t he realize that, now that he’s TOLD her NOT to do something, that’s EXACTLY what she’s going to do?  I mean, we are talking about Useless Aunt Jenna here, a.k.a. Little Miss Open Your Legs House for All Super Villains!

Fortunately, Stefan is smart enough to rush over to Jenna’s place, where AlarKlaus (SURPRISE!) is already making himself comfortable, by playing with his “girlfriend’s” boobies carving knives . . .

(I swear, this whole scene was SO remininscent of the original Scream opener, that I almost had Dead Drew Barrymore flashbacks . . .)

In what I can only imagine was an even MORE obvious homage to Scream (after all, Kevin Williamson wrote that one too), AlarKlaus begins to taunt Useless Aunt Jenna, with a series of increasingly creepy questions about whether or not she believes in vampires.  Finally (though it took a REALLY long time, especially considering what the REAL Alaric put Jenna through, just a few episodes before), U.A.J. gets up the balls to ask AlarKlaus to get the F*&K out of her HOUSE!  Then, when he refuses, SHE decides to leave instead! 

This prompts AlarKlaus to go all Knife Wielding Psycho Killer on Jenna’s ass, which prompts Stefan to do THIS . . .

Way to go, STEFFY!

Mesmerized by the sight of her niece’s boyfriend trying to slice through the neck of her now-Abusive and Psychotic Ex, Dumbass Jenna just stands in the corner, with her jaw hanging open, and drool coming out of the sides of her mouth.  This forces Stefan to VAMP OUT on her, so that it will FINALLY occur to her to LEAVE!

 “I’m getting ANGRY, Jenna!  And you wouldn’t like me, when I’m angry . . .”

Upon hearing from Stefan what went down, Elena takes a break from her Hot Date with Elijah to comfort a clearly mindblown Useless Aunt Jenna . . .

Less Clueless, but still just as Useless . . .

Poor U.A.J!  It’s emotive scenes like this that make me realize that Sara Canning can actually ACT really well.  She just hasn’t really been given much opportunity to do so in this TOTALLY THANKLESS ROLE! 

She even managed to make STEFAN cry!

“I’m supposed to be the one who protects YOU,” Useless Aunt Jenna whines, in what was clearly the most unintentionally hilarious line of the ENTIRE episode.  “I’m scared,” she whispers.

Umm . . . Jenna?  Newsflash:  YOU SHOULD BE!

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . .

“Dark Stefan, may I have this dance?”

After Elena goes back to Elijah, the Salvatore Brothers remain, alone and equally broody, in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  Stefan chooses this TOTALLY inappropriate time to make a snide comment about Damon’s unabashed use of Sex Toy Andie to satisfy his “needs.”  “You should be happy she’s here, because it keeps me from going after what I REALLY want,” Damon notes.

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Mmmmm hmmm!

“Yes, thank you for being in love with MY girlfriend,” replies Stefan.  (Ooooh, he just went there!)  “You can be in love with her all you want, if it means you will protect her.  But I have her respect.”

*gulp*

Then THIS happens . . .

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SUDDENLY, the two Salvatore Brothers are BEATING THE SH*T OUT OF EACHOTHER!  And, I know that it’s supposed to be all tragic and SAD, because they both really just want Elena to be safe, and, blah, blah, blah.  But it’s also REALLY HOT!  I mean, come on!  Show me a woman who WOULDN’T want these two men fighting over her, and I’ll show you a BIG FAT LIAR!

 This Brotherly Love Fest is interrupted by the return of Elijah and Elena (guess she decided to invite him in, after all).  Elena says that the original deal she had with Elijah is now back on.  “The two of you will come to no harm at my hands,” insists the gentlemanly Elijah.

So, for those of you who haven’t been keeping track, here’s the NEW plan to Save Elena:  (1) Bonnie will defeat Klaus, but she won’t die doing it, because Elijah has a loophole for THAT!  (Presumably, this will take place AFTER the Moonstone Ritual, when Klaus is undergoing his were transformation.)

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I bet there will still be lots of Constipated Face Making and Nose Bleeds though!

(2) Elena plays her part in the Sacrifice, but somehow lives, again, conveniently, thanks to Elijah.  (I don’t know.  Is anyone else getting any Red Flags, here?).

(3)  There’s a big Supernatural Orgy in Mystic Falls.    Everyone lives Happily Ever After . . . at least until next season.

Elijah’s going to do ALL THIS for Team Scooby out of the “kindness of his Cold Vampire Heart.”  And all he wants in return is an apology from the brothers. . .

“Sorry for the part I played in your death,” says Stefan (which is pretty much the Funniest Apology EVER!)  “But I did it to protect Elena.  I will ALWAYS protect ELENA,” concludes the younger Salvatore, before sticking out his tongue, and blowing a raspberry at Damon.

“Real mature, Stefan!”

Then again, Damon refuses to apologize AT ALL, which doesn’t exactly win HIM maturity points either.  (Unless, of course, Elijah ends up being a Secret Klaus Supporter, in which case, we will all be patting Damon on the back in a few weeks, for being so “insightful,” when it comes to Elena’s needs.)

Notice, I said Elena‘s needs . . . because Sex Toy’s needs seem to be falling by the waistside a bit, of late.

When a highly distraught Damon returns to his bedroom, Sex Toy Andie is there waiting for him in slinky lingerie, despite him having begged her to leave earlier.  But Andie TRULY loves Damon (or at least, compulsion tells her she does).  She knows that he is in pain, and wants to show him that someone out there cares about him. 

Andie’s kindness, in the face of Damon’s complete lack of feeling for her, becomes too much for the Elder Salvatore to take.  Last week, Damon may have come to the realization that he deserves love, but probably not Andie’s love.  Realizing once and for all, that it is not FAIR to Andie, for Damon to use her as a distraction from his deep feelings for Elena, Damon lashes out at the Guest Star reporter.  He then, ultimately compels her to leave, before he can really hurt her.

 Ummm . .  . Damon?  You’ve got a little something on your lip . . .

Damon’s REALLY brutal to Andie in this scene.  And at first blush, it’s pretty tough to watch.  But if you peek beneath the layers of violence and brutality, there is actually a good deal of growth here on Damon’s part. 

Now, now . . . before you write me off as some CRAZED Delena fan, who forgives Damon for everything he does wrong on this show, just hear me out . . .

Remember JESSICA?

Not too long ago, we experienced on this show a fairly similar situation to this one, in which Damon (having just experienced the loss of Rose) lashes out at an innocent woman, as an expression of his heartbreak over his not being able to be the person [Elena] needs him to be. 

Now, just a few episodes later, Damon is equally heartbroken.  But, this time, he doesn’t allow his anger to become murderous.  By chasing Andie away, Damon saves her life, in the same way that New Vamp Caroline did, when she purposefully ended her relationship with Matt to keep him out of danger.  (And look how much THANKS Matt has given Caroline for that!  Ingrate!)

Not only is Damon no longer willing to selfishly use another human being, as a distraction for his true feelings, he also clearly feels deserving enough of Elena’s love, to prevent himself from committing the ultimate act of violence, just to salve a broken heart.  That’s progress, folks! 🙂

Don’t Call it a Comeback!  He’s Been Here for Years . . . (No, Really, He HAS!)

Meanwhile, back at Alaric’s house, Maddox (Yeah . . . apparently Sumo Warlock has a name.  I missed that!  Special thanks to my buddy mak, for kindly pointing that out to me.), and Newbie Witch Greta . . .

 .  . . sister of THIS NOW-DEAD GUY . . .

 . . . arrive, carting an Extra Large Coffin in their wake.  Now, if you recall, Jonas and Luka joined forces with Elijah to PROTECT Greta.  But, quite honestly, she seems to be having a fine old time with Klaus!  In fact, I can’t help but wonder whether these two KNOW one another, in the biblical sense, if you catch my drift  . . . Truth be told, when Greta casually comments Klaus, “Nice body . . . let’s get you out of it,”  some very, very naughty Witch/Vamp images ran through my dirty mind.

So, everybody holds hands around the candles.  (And there are those candles again!  It’s time to get more creative with your Spell Props, witches!  Haven’t you ever seen Harry Potter before?) 

Suddenly, the candles go out.  AlarKlaus looks up from chanting.  He sees Katherine, and calls her “Elena,” in a voice that is decidedly sans- that weird AlarKlaus accent.  Suffice it to say, the REAL Alaric is back . . .  and alive  . . . at least, for now!

But if Alaric is back in his body, than where is Klaus?  As if in answer, the door to the coffin opens, and THIS GUY emerges from it . . .

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Now, if you thought Klaus was scary in a HUMAN body, you can imagine how much damage he can do in his OWN!  In other words, be afraid, Scooby Gang!  Be VERY AFRAID!

 

“Ruh-roh!”

The extended promo for next week’s episode, promises, among other things, some tender moments between BOTH Salvatores and Elena, Poor Caroline getting chained up and abused, once again, Tyler Lockwood humping the forest . . .

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SO HOT!  (I’m so jealous of The Forest right now . . .)

 . . . a bromantic buddy reunion between Alaric and Damon, the return of Jules (meh!), and a showdown between Damon and Klaus.  You can check it out here .   .  .

Is it Thursday yet, Fangbangers?

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]