“Now, what date would be so important to Caleb that it would merit an explanation point . . . I wonder . . .”
Greetings, my Pretties! This week on PLL, a lame secret was revealed, computers were remotely hacked, a deal was struck, a crisis was averted, and a single doobie, once again, possessed the power to ruin an entire relationship. (Don’t do drugs, kiddies!) So, fire up your laptops, and smoke ’em if you’ve got ’em, because it’s time to “CTRL A” . . .
Swimming with Sharks
Thanks to shopaholic blackmailer / hacker Mona, Emily Fields is back in the pool. This, of course, is great news for Emily and her swim team, but, perhaps, not such great news for her lady love, Maya, who’s starting to feel a wee bit left out of the fun.
“This is super uncomfortable. I could really go for a joint, right about now . . .”
Elsewhere, Techno Boy Toy Caleb finds himself in some hot water, when the police impound his laptop, on suspicion of it containing stolen school files on it. You know, like the ones Mona accessed from the principal’s office, last week. Golly gee, this wouldn’t have anything to do with the time Caleb fell asleep at school, and, like a moron, left his laptop out in the open, and ripe for the taking, now would it? A smug and unfazed Caleb calmly proclaims his innocence, confident that no hack Police Boy is going to be able to crack the enigma that is his computer.
Girlfriend, Hanna, however, is FRACKING FREAKING OUT. She’s been through this with “A” and the Rosewood PD many times before. And she knows that, as good as Caleb might be with computer hacking, “A” might just be a teeny tiny bit better . . .
Caleb tries to calm Hanna down, while simultaneously turning her on, by using sexy computer lingo like HOTSPOT, INTERFACING, and FIREWALL.
And though titilated by her boyfriend’s Dirty Nerd Talk, Hanna wishes to get down to business . . . and not in a fun way either. Instantly suspecting that “A” has compromised Caleb’s harddrive by hiding incriminating material on it without Caleb’s knowledge, Hanna suggests he remotely hack the laptop, and erase the files in question, before the Useless Rosewood PD can find them.
Caleb agrees, and some intimate discussions regarding Caleb’s computer passwords and logins ensue. Unfortunately, however, Caleb can’t successfully hack his computer, while the police are keeping it offline. Inconvenienced, but not defeated, Caleb decides to explore Hanna’s hotspots, instead . . .
The first rule of Fight Club, is don’t have a heart attack while in Fight Club . . .
Some secrets are better kept as secrets, because the mystery is sexier than the reality. Beard Boy Holden’s secret is definitely one of those secrets. Like Lucas and his “big bad bookie problem,” before him, Holden joins the ranks of characters on PLL who’s plotlines ended up being MAJOR letdowns. That’s right, my Pretties. After all our jokes about Holden having bruises on his stomach, because he’s in Fight club, that’s exactly what he ended up being in. Except, rather than being in an edgy, get-your-teeth-knocked-out-by-Ed-Norton-who-thinks-he’s-Brad-Pitt kind of Fight Club, Holden’s fight club looks a lot like your six-year old nephew’s karate class . . .
“Can we celebrate my victory with a McDonalds Happy Meal?”
Relieved that her fake boyfriend isn’t the Drug Lord she suspected he was, Aria agrees to keep her fake date with him in Philly that night. This way, Holden can attend his snoozeville super important fighting tournament, and Aria can eat French Vegan food with Fitzy, while the two discuss “their future.”
Will everyone’s favorite English Teacher take Byron’s bait, thereby allowing himself to be shipped away to the land of Mardi Gras, and ladies who take their shirts off for plastic 50-cent necklaces?
Only time will tell . . .
Prior to her fake date, Aria’s mom not-so-subtly suggests that Aria should stop dating Beard Boy in Philly, and start boning her family friend closer to home. This way, if the rough sex results in him collapsing from his heart condition, he can be cared for by Dr. Wren a.k.a. the-Only-Doctor-in-Rosewood, as opposed to those not-model-looking doctors in the City of Brotherly Love.
Meanwhile, Byron has just received a note on his car from “A,” offering him the location of Aria’s REAL date with Fitzy.
Am I the only one starting to get a strong sense of deja-vu, here? Silly “A.” For whatever reason, she never seems quite as creative when she’s messing with Aria, than when she’s messing with the other PLL girls. I wonder why that is . . .
Instead of heading off to meet Fitzy, Aria follows Beard Boy to Fight Club. “So, Holden, what’s this I hear about you joining Fight Club, when you have an exploding timebomb in your chest?” Aria inquires.
“This isn’t just because we all thought you were gay, is it?”
Holden makes a nice speech about living life to its fullest, and about how people don’t always know what’s best for you. This, of course, makes Aria think of her relationship to Fitzy . . . as most things do. But, ultimately, she decides to ditch out on Fitzy, so that she can watch Holden in Fight Club . . . you know, just to make sure he doesn’t . . . like . . . die in stuff (which would TOTALLY ruin this nice Fake Date thing they have going on).
Aria cancels on Fitzy by text, without explanation, which, of course, is super inconsiderate.
But when Fitzy arrives at the site of their date and sees Papa Byron seated at one of the tables, he’s suddenly a lot less pissed, and a lot more relieved not to have walked into that lions den.
After Holden wins at Fight Club, Aria heads to congratulate him. And suddenly Holden is looking a wee bit smitten with our littlest PLL girl. (Ruh-roh, Fitzy! I suggest you start practicing your moves, because there might just be a little Fight Club for Aria’s heart headed in your direction . . .)
Papa Byron phones Aria, and tries to slip her up, by asking to speak to Beard Boy. So, of course, Aria calls his bluff by promptly putting him on the phone, something she would never have been able to do, had she decided to leave Holden to die in Fight Club. Well played, Miss Montgomery!
What am I going to doobie?
There is trouble lurking in paradise between Emily and Maya. First we see Maya randomly hanging out with Facelift Vampire Jason, bringing the total number of major “A” suspects and NAT club members with whom the supposedly “loner” Maya associates to two. To make matters worse, the big green monster of jealousy is clearly eating at Maya, during Emily’s swim team party, where her swim phenom girlfriend is the center of attention, while Maya is left alone holding the doobie.
“I have a confession to make. I ate all your blue swim team cookies. I couldn’t help it. I have a serious case of the munchies.”
That’s right, my Pretties, Maya confesses to Emily that her parents might have found an old “toke-n” of Maya’s affection in her bedroom. Wow, these dirty hippies must REALLY not like pot, because they threaten to send her back to druggie camp AGAIN!
As it turns out, Maya was a bit coy with Emily about how exactly old that doobie was. Emily assumed she meant “months,” but Maya actually meant “minutes.” 😉 Emily’s super pissed at Maya for not being honest with her. And Maya is pissed at Emily for being more popular than she is, and for not wanting to run away to San Francisco with her, where the pair can smoke all the ganja they want.
I don’t know, my Pretties. Something about Maya’s story stinks a bit to me, and it’s not just the pot I’m smelling . . . I’d feel better about it being true, if we actually got to meet Maya’s supposedly crazy parents. Your move, writers.
Oh bastard half-brother, where art thou?
Early on in the episode, the PLL girls get to meet Vivian Darkbloom’s “friend” Jonah, a cell phone geek, who she offered $2,000 to hack into phone records and find out who was sending threatening texts to her “friend” Alison.
The only average looking male in Rosewood . . .
(Of course, if “A” was using prepaid phones paid for with cash . . . as evidence suggests that she is . . . that really wouldn’t help much, now would it, Jonah.) Jonah’s uber pissed at Vivian, because doing this little task for the Rosewood Lolita cost him his job. And then, to make matters worse, she never paid up . . . you know . . . because of the whole “dying” thing.
The rest of the girls want to pay Jonah, and immediately turn to moneybags Spencer for the dough. The problem, of course, is that Spencer hasn’t exactly been on speaking terms with her parents, as a result of the whole “Facelift Vampire Jason is my half-brother” thing. In fact, she’s spent the entire week hiding out at Aria’s house . . .
Spencer has been on speaking terms with Facelift Vampire Jason, though. These two really do have an interesting dynamic with one another. And by “interesting” I mean “slightly incestuous.” Facelift Vampire Jason notes that Ali had $15,000 along with love letters between Spencer’s dad and Ali’s and Jason’s mom, in a box she kept under the floorboards. This was how Jason found out about his paternity. It’s also what led him to believe that Ali might have been blackmailing Spencer’s dad, in exchange for keeping quiet about what she knew.
“So, if you and I hooked up, what do you think would be the likelihood that our children were born with a tail, or three arms?”
Hoping to snag the $2,000 she needs to pay off Jonah for the answer to the question of “Who was calling Alison, and, by extension, probably calling the girls as well,” Spencer heads back home for the first time, in a week. Briefly mesmerized by her dad’s open checkbook in his briefcase, Spencer contemplates a little Grand Theft Checky. But she quickly abandons the idea, when her father nearly walks in on her stealing it.
Spencer finally confronts her father about what she knows. And he, more or less comes clean about everything that happened. He swears, however, that he was never blackmailed by Alison. And Spencer believes him.
“You are SO grounded, Mister!”
The question is, who was blackmailed by Alison? Was it Spencer’s mother, hoping to save the family? Was it the members of the NAT club (sans Jason), because of the tapes she had on all of them? Or was it someone else entirely?
Facelift Vampire Jason still wants to believe it’s Papa Hastings, because that would make it easier to hate him. But toward the end of the episode, Spencer finally opens his eyes to new possibilities . . . and hits him up for that $2,000, of course.
On computer hacking, and sex in tents . . .
Caleb isn’t the only one in hot water with the police. Deputy Douchey finds more ammunition for torturing the PLL girls when a page of Ali’s autopsy winds up missing from EVERYWHERE, and the hospital security cameras turn up a picture of Hanna, Spencer, and Emily clad in candy striper outfits outside the morgue on the day of the theft.
Wait a second . . . shouldn’t it have been Hanna, Spencer and Aria? Wasn’t Emily in the hospital as a patient at the time?
This is either an inconsistency on the writers part, or a fairly big hint that “A” is someone with not nearly as big of a grudge against Aria, as against the other three girls. Could “A” have doctored this photograph? Or am I just overthinking things? What are your thoughts, my Pretties?
Anywhoo, following Hanna’s own encounter with Deputy Douchey (I guess he only called Hanna in, because he thought he might have another chance to screw her om), Caleb telephones her to let her know that he’s in a “Hot Spot” and needs her help. There go those sexy computer terms again!
Apparently, Deputy Douchey and Police Boy have wised up, and are forcing Caleb to cooperate, by making him enter his own password into the computer for them. The bad news about that, is now the cops will have access to whatever incriminating files “A” put on his hard drive (not to mention that “A” related files that are actually there). The good news, however, is that now Caleb’s online a.k.a, in a hotspot.
Hanna calls “Smart Friend” Spencer over to help with the computer hacking festivities. Spencer manages to get remote access to Caleb’s computer. But it’s up to Hanna to input the password. Hanna is explains to Spencer Caleb’s rationale for the letters he uses in his password. Spencer is impressed, and more than a little bit turned on. “That’s almost as complex as my computer password.” ALMOST . . . ha . . . gotta love Spencer!
Hanna runs into a problem, however, when she can’t figure out the last four numbers of Caleb’s code, followed by the exclamation point. And she only has three tries to get it right, or be locked out of Caleb’s computer FOREVER! Spencer ultimately suggests that the numbers probably represent a date that was particularly important to Caleb . . . a date that merits an exclamation point.
Suddenly, Hanna knows exactly what those last four digits are. And they are in!
Hanna immediately finds the incriminating files located in a folder input on Caleb’s harddrive entitled “Hefty,” for “Hefty Hanna.”
“B*tch!” Hanna exclaims, over how “A” has managed to insult her, even in her hacking of Caleb’s computer.
Over at the police station, we see that Deputy Douchey has located the “Hefty” file too. (Remember, he KNEW Hanna, back in the day. ;)) Now, it’s a race to see who can get to them first. Hilarity ensues, when Hanna tries to delete each individual file, and finds that the process is taking too long. “CTRL A” Spencer exclaims.
“That’s what I’m trying to do . . . CONTROL A,” Hanna exclaims frustratedly.
But of course, Spencer’s talking about the keys, not the person . . .
In a moment of televised brilliance, Hanna manages to erase the files moments before Deputy Douchey can open any. They disappear before his beady little eyes, and he’s completely flabbergasted.
By the time Caleb leaves the station with his laptop, a happy Hanna is there to shower him with celebratory PDA. Hanna has earned major points for saving Caleb’s ass. And Caleb has earned major points for immortalizing the day he took Hanna’s virginity in his computer password. Something tells me there’s going to be some major nookie going on in the Marin household tonight . . .
“You can get married as many times as you want, but there is only one prom,” says Quinn Febray, during Glee’s epic PROM EPISODE.
“This is how I decided to spend the alimony payments from each of my five ex-husbands. One lame tiara, for each lame man.”
Ahhh . . . the Prom Episode, every teen show has one. And only some of them are actually worth watching. After all, when it comes to prom episodes, there’s a whole lot of CLICHE to go around: the Pre-Prom Pictures, the Ugly Duckling Transformation, the Long, Slow Walk Down the Stairs, while the Admiring Boyfriend Looks On, the Inevitably Fight Over a Girl (or Guy), the Romantic Slow Dance Moment, and, of course, the crowning of the Prom’s King and Queen. And with cliches, comes a WHOLE LOT OF OPPORTUNITIES to be unmemorable . . .
A MAJOR Opportunity for a Cliche is RIGHT HERE! It’s a GOOD THING that these two didn’t win Prom King and Queen. That’s all I’m saying! (Oh, and Finn? 1985 called. It REALLY wants your powder blue cumberbund back . . .)
Fortunately, Glee’s “Prom Queen” managed to deftly sidestep all of the typical Prom Episode Traps that were just waiting to trip it up. The result was a genuinely fun-filled, toe-tapping, heart warming, tear-inducing, hour of television.
My fellow Gleeks, the time has come to zip up those dresses, strap on the corsages, spike the punch, and practice dancing the night away, in those ridiculously uncomfortable high heels. In the iconic words of Sam Evan’s “Who’s ready for some PROM?”
I Love it When Glee Gets All Self-Deprecating and Self-Referential!
“Give me back my BALLS, B*tch!”
The moment I knew that I was going to LOVE this week’s installment of Glee occurred about two minutes into the episode, when Jacob Ben-Israel shoved a microphone in Puck’s face, and asked him a question that was purportedly given to him by “fans at home: “Where does Lauren keep your balls?”
“Fans from Home,” INDEED! I think MANY of us have been asking ourselves this very question, ever since the writers made the BIZARRE decision to couple Puck and Lauren, back during the Valentine’s Day episode. So, it’s comforting to know that at least SOMEONE in the writers’ room is listening. Because, as much as I desperately want to have sex with ADORE my Sexy Puck-meister . . .
. . . even I must admit that he does act a tad “Neutered Puppy”-esque when hanging around a certain Full-Figured Female.
Cute? Definitely! Bad Ass? Not exactly . . .
And did you notice how Puck and Lauren had virtually no scenes together, this week? I smell PROGRESS!
Strike THREE, Zizes! YOU’RE OUT!
That being said, the fact that Puck chose to “up his street cred” this week, by (1) NOT spiking the Prom Punch; and (2) rocking out to a rather annoying song written by a 13-year old, leads me to question whether or not Lauren not only chopped off his manhood when she started dating him, but gave him a LOBOTOMY too . . .
That being said, I still want to attend a party in his pants . . .
In other META-news, when Principal Figgins asks Mr. Schue if his Glee kids could perform at prom (Apparently, Air Supply canceled AGAIN! Stupid Air Supply!) . . .
. . . Sue Sylvester pipes in with a list of all of the WORST SONGS EVER PERFORMED on Glee by the Glee Club. Included on this list, of course, are . . .
“Run, Joey, Run”
(Coincidentally, it is from the video of “Run, Joey, Run” that I obtained my absolute FAVORITE, and, admittedly, very much overrused, Sexy White-Tank Wearing Puck GIF, which you may have noticed above.)
AND . . .
that ridiculous “Hair” / “Crazy in Love” Mashup . . .
Now, THIS was REALLY BAD!
One thing that’s gotta be said for Glee, when the show messes up, at least it’s willing to ADMIT IT . . . most of the time, anyway.
Was it just me, or did Brittany seem unusually smart, this week? Perhaps, when Lauren cut off the frontal lobe of Puck’s brain, she ended up donating it to the web host of Fondue for Two . . .
There was a bit of intrigue, early on in the episode, regarding which Glee kids would take which other Glee kids to prom. (Because, HEAVEN FORBID, any of them take NON-CAST MEMBERS, right?) I mean, we already knew that Finn was going to take Quinn (yawn), Mike was going to take Tina (zzzzzz), Puck was going to take Lauren (BOO!), and Santana and Karofsky were going to be eachother’s closeted dance partners. But it was interesting to see the, usually proud and independent, Mercedes so decidedly bummed about not having a date . . .
MERCEDES: “I can’t understand why no one has asked me to prom yet?”
RACHEL: “Do you think it might have something to do with the fact that you are wearing a HUGE, SCARY OPEN MOUTH on your chest?”
Some have argued that Mercedes sudden interest in having a boyfriend, when she has seemed to show NO INTEREST WHATSOEVER, in the past, seems out of character, and more like a Plot Device, than anything else. However, I kind of feel like Mercedes is someone who hides her insecurities behind a cloak of false bravado. And, as such a person, she would sooner knock something she can’t have, than admit that she truly wants it. That being said, I love that Mercedes’ friendship with Rachel has evolved to the point where the former can be truly honest with the latter, about her hopes and dreams.
Ho’s Before Bro’s!
Speaking of Rachel, we all know she can be SUPER selfish sometimes. So, it was really refreshing to see her take others’ needs into consideration, this week.
She did this by orchestrating a group date between Mercedes, Sam, and herself so that (1) all of them had dates to the prom; and (2) Sam’s financial situation did not keep him from attending. Way to go, Rach!
Trouty Mouth is very pleased!
“I am a TOTAL PIMP!”
Meanwhile, Blaine struggles with his own insecurities about attending prom with Kurt, as a result of a traumatic experience, during Blaine’s public school days, when he was beat up for attending a Sadie Hawkins dance with one of his gay friends . ..
In an Awesome Mutually Mature Boyfriend Moment, Kurt, despite obviously REALLY wanting to attend the prom, tells Blaine that he would be willing to skip the event, if Blaine feels uncomfortable with it. Likewise, Blaine, though clearly not without reservations, loves Kurt so much, that he is willing to face up to his deepest, darkest, fears in order to make Kurt happy. (By the way, I love how, when Kurt asks Blaine to the prom he actually refers to him as “Blaine Warbler.” SO CUTE!)
Secretly hoping that their public acts of kindness will win them points in the Prom King and Queen Race, Team Beard, Santana and Karofsky offer to give Kurt round the clock protection from bullying (well . . . at least during school hours).
This inevitably results in some VERY interesting and intense moments between Kurt and Karofsky, which I plan to discuss more fully in just a bit. But, for now, let’s talk about Artie . . .
Dear, sweet, Artie! You broke my heart many times over this week, from your Fashion Disaster Prom Wardrobe (Elvis Hair? Orange Suit? Ruffled Shirt? NO! NO and HELL NO!), to your defeated (and, let’s face it, slightly pathetic) acceptance of torture at the hands of Sue Sylvester. But nothing you did this week, broke my heart like your failed serenade of Brittany.
“I know you are mad at me now, but I was wondering if you would possibly be interested in having a threesome with Santana and me? Best of both worlds, right?”
Sure, you called her stupid, which was probably the ONE thing you could have said to Brittany that would get her to dump you. And, yes, you kind of added insult to injury, by singing, of all songs, Stevie Wonder’s “Isn’t She Lovely” to her, which is, after all, a song about a NEWBORN BABY . . .
The lyrics, “Less than ONE MINUTE OLD,” should have probably clued you in to that one . . .
But still, to be shot down, in front of an ENTIRE HOME ECONOMICS class, because your ex tells you that she would rather go to her prom ALONE, and have hot sex with Santana dance with lots of random guys, instead of YOU . . . now that’s GOTTA HURT! Artie, if I wasn’t sure it would give me a painful electrical shock (I’ve actually tried this before . . . “smart” . . . I know), I probably would have hugged you right through the television screen . . .
Everybody Loves Rachel . . . for a change (well, except, maybe, for Quinn)
“Yes! They are fighting over ME! Rachel Berry! Everybody loves ME! I’m awesome. Oh, boys! Stop fighting! This is terrible! Someone is going to get hurt . . . and I can’t afford to break my nose, again.”
Rachel Berry may already have TWO dates to the prom. But she’s about to get at least one more (and, if Eye F*&king counts as “dating,” possibly TWO more). We see Rachel practicing her solo number for the prom, Adele’s “Rolling in the Deep.” Then, seemingly out of nowhere (Seriously, is there NO security at this school?) Jesse St. James magically appears in the auditorium, transforming her already highly emotive solo into an extremely sexually-tense duet . . .
You can check out the pair’s full performance here . . .
Whatever you may have felt about the so-called “St. Berry pairing” back in Season 1, and it’s unfortunate, not to mention, completely out-of-the-blue, ending . . .
Sunny side down?
. . . the sexual chemistry between Jonathan Groff and Lea Michele is undeniable (which is odd, considering that Groff is so clearly GAY). And never is the pair more on fire, than when they are mutually breaking into song. If you recall, this is precisely how the couple’s relationship first began . . .
JESSE: “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a woman on top of a piano. It’s very Pretty Woman.”
RACHEL: “But we are in a library . . . and there are old people in the background, watching us.”
JESSE: “Doesn’t that turn you on?”
RACHEL: “Not really.”
JESSE: “Work with me here. I’m trying to get you laid.”
Though, admittedly, I prefer the original Adele version of “Rolling in the Deep” to what “Rachel and Jesse” performed here, both the acting and directing of this scene are positively flawless. I love the way the singers’ facial expressions alternate from almost angry, to wistful, to attracted, to indifferent, to competitive, and, finally, to joyous at various points throughout the number. I also appreciate the way Rachel and Jesse circle one another around the piano, as they sing, engaging in what seems to be a strange, and undoubtedly sexual, mating dance between predator and prey . . . lover and scorned . . . where the participants are each simultaneously playing both roles.
JESSE: “There is something different about you. Did you get a nose job?”
RACHEL: “No, Jesse! I decided against doing that. Geez! Don’t you watch Glee?”
As it turns out, Jesse, who was supposedly a senior in high school, during the show’s first season, has (conveniently) dropped out of college, and now (also conveniently) wishes to start his own business as a consultant to Glee Clubs and show choirs. His reason for breaking into McKinley High? Well, it seems to be two-fold:
(1) He wishes to apologize to Rachel for the whole “egg-head” business. Apparently, selling his girlfriend out for a fourth consecutive championship win of a HIGH SCHOOL competition seems short-sighted to him, in hindsight (Gee, ya think?); and
(2) He knew Rachel’s prom was coming up, and wanted to take her. (You know . . . because college guys always keep track of rival high school’s social calendars, while they are away.)
Was this a contrived way for the writers to bring back this character? Absolutely. And yet, I’m actually really excited about Jesse’s return, not only because I enjoy his interactions with Rachel (She tends to be WAY less whiny and annoying, when she’s with him.), but because I’m positively THRILLED about what his return is going to do to Finn . . .
Watch out Finn-y! Your emotions are showing!
Speaking of Finn, he sure seemed to be All Aboard the Rachel Train, this week, didn’t he? The minute Finn learned that Rachel was considering taking Jesse to prom, he suddenly seemed SUPER CONCERNED about Rachel “getting her heart broken again.”
(After all, the only person allowed to break Rachel’s heart is FINN, right?)
Rachel rightly tells Finn to go f*&k himself, that, as someone who’s currently dating Quinn, he has NO RIGHT to weigh in on Rachel’s romantic rendezvous. Rachel (Bless her heart, girlfriend was pure PERFECTION this episode!) then proceeds to make Finn even SORRIER about dating the wrong girl, by expertly offering him advice on how to purchase the perfect corsage for his ACTUAL girlfriend but probably not for long Quinn. (“A Gardenia . . . with a green ribbon around it . . . to match her eyes,” Rachel suggests).
Oh, Finn! You poor smitten, little boy! You are SO SCREWED!
Tension rises between Finn and Jesse, when the two encounter one another at Breadsticks (which, apparently, is the only restaurant in Lima, Ohio) later in the episiode. Finn, in a not-so-subtle allusion to the “Little Game of Egg Toss” Jesse played with Rachel’s head, last season, asks the college dropout, if he ordered “eggs” for dinner.
In return, Jesse makes a few snide remarks about Finn’s bad dancing skills . . .
Ahem . . .
. . . even going as far as to offer HIMSELF to QUINN as a dance partner, when she gets tired of Finn-y Boy stepping on her feet.
Jesse – 1, Finn – 0
At the prom, when Rachel sings her solo number to Christina Perri’s “Jar of Hearts” (What happened to “Rolling in the Deep”?) Finn, who just so happens to be dancing with Quinn at the time, keeps leering at Rachel, as if he wants to swallow her whole . . .
. . . Finny Boy conveniently misinterprets Rachel’s nearly orgasmic reaction as displeasure and TOTALLY SNAPS, attacking Jesse like a wild drooling rabid dog, who hasn’t eaten in weeks. This, of course, gets BOTH Jesse and Finn promptly tossed out of the prom. Quinn is upset by this, because she BELIEVES it will prevent her from winning prom queen. But, in all honesty, she actually doesn’t win, because nobody really likes her . . .
Take that, Lucy Caboosey!
The smallest little violin in the world begins playing, as Quinn rushes off sobbing to the bathroom (“I’m not going to be prom queen, BOO HOO HOO! My life is over. I’m transferring schools . . . AGAIN,” she wails.)
And Rachel, ever the glutton for punishment, actually rushes in to comfort this b*tch. (Seriously, Rachel was like SUPERHUMANLY ANGELIC this week. This means that, next week, the writers will probably make her Evil Incarnate.) So, what does Rachel get for trying to be a decent human being to Quinn in her so-called hour of need? Well, she gets THIS . . .
But, like I said, Rachel COULD DO NO WRONG this week. And even after Quinn gives her “free blush” on one side of her face, Rachel sticks around to find out why Quinn is “so upset.”
Well, for starters, Quinn is upset because she currently wants Finn. Tomorrow, she might want Puck. And the day after, she might want Sam. But today, it’s Finn. And the day Quinn wants someone, she’ll be DAMNED if he’s interested in someone else!
What I found interesting about Quinn’s “little speech,” was that she seemed LESS upset about the fact that Finn seems currently more attracted to Rachel, than to her, and MORE upset about the fact that OTHER people noticed that, and, (she thinks) didn’t select them as Prom King and Queen because of it. Way to keep your priorities straight, girl!
“Oh, don’t cry Quinn . . . it gives you wrinkles.”
The other thing Quinn claims to be worried about, is something the writers ALWAYS have her character worry about, every time they want to make her “sympathetic” to the audience. Quinn complains to Rachel that life is SO MUCH HARDER for her, than it is for Rachel, because, unlike Rachel Quinn is just so pretty. And as a result of her ridiculous attractiveness (and lack of other redeeming qualities), post-high school life for Quinn might actually end up being pretty darn disappointing.
I hate to say it, but Quinn’s probably right about her future . . .
Nonetheless, Rachel lies through her teeth, assuring Quinn that she’s more than just a pretty face. She’s a better person than me, that Rachel. That’s for DAMN sure!
You know who else is a MUCH better person than I am? EVERYBODY Kurt Hummel.
One of the coolest things about Kurt Hummel, I think, is that he’s not just content to be an out-and-proud teen. Rather, Kurt sees it as his personal mission to educate teens and adults on having tolerance for various alternative lifestyles. And though that Bizarre Kilt Thing Kurt wanted to wear to prom, SERIOUSLY freaked out his dad, Finn and Blaine, not to mention rivaled only ARTIE’S tuxedo, as the WORST PROM OUTFIT ever . . .
. . . I still respected the courage it took for Kurt to wear it. Speaking of respect, I think Karofsky gained a whole lot of it for Kurt, when the latter found it in his heart, not just to forgive the former for bullying him, but also to take pity on the pain he was experiencing as a closeted gay youth . . .
Kurt’s kindness, and his recognition of Karofsky’s inner turmoil, causes the normally stoic jock to break down into uncharacteristic tears. Moved by Karofsky’s display of emotion, Kurt encourages him to stop hiding his true self, and come out of the closet “not tomorrow, but when you can.”
Unfortunately, things take a turn for the worst at prom, when Puck and Sam sing Rebecca Black’s Friday, which, though better than the original version, still makes me want to clean out my ears with bleach . . .
SAM: “We are SO going to get our asses kicked for doing this song, aren’t we?”
Well, I guess that’s not such a bad thing, in and of itself. But then, in a cruel twist, the McKinley High School kids insensitively nominate KURT as Prom Queen, causing both him AND Santana, to run out of the auditorium in tears.
Blaine sweetly comforts Kurt outside by the lockers, offering him the same comforting safety net, Kurt had offered him back when he worried about attending the prom in the first place. “We don’t have to stay here, you know. We can leave and never look back.” But Kurt isn’t ready to accept defeat just yet. Instead, he decides to (1) return to the auditorium and get coronated; (2) dance to Mercedes’ and Santana’s rendition of “Dancing Queen;” and (3) in doing so, impliedly, tell all the homophobes in his student body to go F*&k Themselves . . .
(By the way, PRINCIPAL FIGGINS, the kids at your school play a practical joke on a gay male student, by electing him prom queen, and YOU allow him to be coronated to the tune of DANCING QUEEN, of all songs! FOR SHAME!)
That being said, since it WAS Mercedes and Santana singing, don’t you think they could have . . . I don’t know . . . sang a DIFFERENT SONG? Like “Macho Man,” perhaps? 😉
For a moment, it looks as though Karofsky might muster up the courage to actually dance with Kurt. But, seeing his classmates’ reaction to Kurt’s bold acceptance of the crown, frightens Karofsky to his core. And, at the last second, Karofsky runs from the auditorium, once again, in tears. Fortunately, Blaine is standing right behind Kurt at the time, and is more than willing to “have this dance” with him.
(Speaking of Blaine, his rocking out to the most awkwardly titled song ever, the “I’m Not Going to Teach Your Boyfriend How to Dance,” was pretty awesome, right? Now, don’t get me wrong,, it’s not that I particularly love the song. But boyfriend SURE CAN DANCE! Plus, I found the number refreshingly non-Warbler-esque, which was great . . . for me, anyway!)
I mentioned Santana, earlier. She shared a very sweet scene with Brittany outside the auditorium, in which she tearfully wondered why everyone hated her, just because SHE hated THEM. 🙂 An unusually-wise-this-week Brittany argued that the rest of the school didn’t vote for Santana because they would rather play a mean joke on Kurt because they can somehow tell that she’s not being true to herself. (Now, that’s a nice idea and all. But, then, how did KAROFSKY win?)
Argument fallacies aside, my heart warmed a bit, when Brittany told Santana that if she “embraced the awesomeness of who she is, she would have won.” Now, honestly, I’m not sure I believe that . . . but it was a sweet thing to say, nonethless.
And when Brittany politely told Santana to stop whining, pull her head out of her ass, and be supportive to Kurt in his time of need, well, that was EVEN sweeter . . .
Wearer of the Worst Prom Outfit Ever . . . meet the Worst Plotline Ever.
As I sort of mentioned earlier, there was also this sort of bizarre storyline, in which Puck convinced Artie to spike the punch at the dance . . . and then Sue Sylvester CAUGHT Artie doing it . . . so she randomly tortured him with dental tools . . . until she found out that he DIDN’T actually spike the punch?
Yeah . . . rest assured, that plotline was about as random, and annoying to watch, as it probably was to read. So,I’m not going to spend any more time on it than what you see here. . . except to say that, perhaps, the whole point of the storyline was simply to once-again punish Artie for wearing that Ugly Ass Suit . . .
Don’t worry Artie! Everyone makes mistakes! Next week will be better for you, I promise. (Because, we all know it can’t get much worse!)
So, that was basically “Prom Queen” in a nutshell. Next week’s Glee installment, entitled “Funeral,” promises to be a much darker episode. . . not to mention, a deadlier one. You can check out the promo for THAT episode HERE . . .
Now, it’s time to start speculating, my fellow Gleeks, if you haven’t started already. Which cast member do you think has already sung his (or her) final Swan Song? Tune in next week to find out . . .
Pop Quiz Fangbanger: How many humans are in this picture? (Hint: It’s a trick question.)
USELESS AUNT JENNA: “OK, that was NOT COOL! The only thing I wanted injected in me tonight, was ALARIC’S CHUNKY MONKEY!
Personally, I think humanity is overrated. I mean, think about it . . . You get married. You pop out a few pups. You grow old and wrinkly. You die. What’s the fun in THAT?
Apparently, the writers of The Vampire Diaries agree with me. Because they have taken Mystic Falls’ Team Human, and systematically smashed it to smithereens, over the course of two seasons . . .
Be afraid, Normal Boy! Be VERY AFRAID!
But, you see, that’s what I LOVE about this show! The Vampire Diaries doesn’t give a Flying F*&k about the rules or conventions of typical television dramas (like the one that says you can only kill off one or two major characters, a season . . . or the one that says HUMANS are “important.”). And that’s how TVD keeps viewers returning every single week: by repeatedly defying their expectations, and challenging what they think they know about the characters on their television screen. Of course, having THESE to show off on a weekly basis doesn’t hurt either . . .
Hold on to your panties, Fangbangers! And prepare to have your minds blown. Because we are about to recap what may go down in television history as “The Last Day” of TVD, as we once knew it . . .
Blah, blah, blah Sacrifice, blah (HEY! Is that Shirtless Damon on my screen?)
I’m sorry, Elijah, were you saying something? Because I was . . . distracted.
The episode begins with a Pow Wow of Sexiness and Plot Explanation in La Casa de Rich and Awesome. Elijah is downstairs explaining the logistics of the Sacrifice to Stefan and Elena, while Damon is upstairs . . . in bed . . . NAKED . . . and GULPING. Clearly, someone in the writer’s room doesn’t want us listening to Elijah (Klaus, is that YOU?). Whoever this person is, his devious plan has worked! Because two minutes later, I wake up from my trance, to find Damon all DRESSED . . .
Now, right then and there, we should have known things were going to go VERY wrong for Damon, this week. If you recall, the LAST time Damon was shirtless on TVD was the Controversial Moonstone in Soap Dish Incident . . .
And we all know how THAT turned out! So, in conclusion, Shirtless Damon = Good for US; Extremely Bad for HIM!
Then again, maybe it’s bad for me too. Because now I’ve got to figure out what Elijah said to Elena, while I was fondling Damon’s chest, in my dreams . . .
Looking back, I THINK that Elijah was talking about the “ingredients” of the Sacrifice Ritual that could be used to break Klaus’ “You Can’t Be a Were-Vamp, Too Bad, So Sad for YOU” Curse. Coincidentally (or, perhaps, not so, coincidentally), those ingredients just so happen to be the SAME INGREDIENTS Klaus listed in his FAKE Aztec Sun and Moon Curse, namely: a Full Moon, the Moonstone, a vampire, a werewolf, and the BLOOD of a Doppelganger, which Klaus must DRINK in order to complete the ritual.
ELIJAH: “Would you like me to repeat that again, now that Damon has his shirt back on, and has stopped seductively gulping?’
STEFAN and ELENA: “Yes, please!”
So, then Damon magically appears. And he asks Elijah the STELLAR question of WHY they have to wait until the Full Moon to kill Klaus, when they could just use Bonnie to do it RIGHT NOW! “Because Bonnie would DIE!” Elena replies.
“We’ll write her a great eulogy,” replies Damon.
You know, I’d actually be OK with that plan . . . after all, Stefan and Elena are great writers. That’s why they both keep DIARIES!
Now, I’m as big of an Eliah Fan, as the next gal. But even I have to admit, for all his cool magical powers and de-hearting abilities, the Original’s ACTUAL plan to save Elena from certain death was disappointingly lame. Come ON! A Fake Death Elixir? What is this Romeo and Juliet? Didn’t we just do the whole “Fake Death” thing with Bonnie? Do we really think that THE All-Powerful Klaus is dumb enough to fall for the same trick twice?
ELIJAH: “Would it help if I told you the elixir tastes like chocolate milk?”
To make matters worse, since the last Petrova Doppelganger . . . ummmm . . . VAMPED out on Klaus (foreshadowing much?), Elijah never actually got the chance to try out his little drink recipe. So, it’s not a sure thing. Nor does Elijah seem entirely sure that Bonnie won’t die ANYWAY, while she is using her powers to murder the momentarily vulnerable were-transforming Klaus. In short, Elijah’s Big Plan, seems like a Big Ole Load of Crap to Me . . .
Are you sure about that, buddy? Because it’s starting to sound like we CAN . . .
Conveniently enough, when Damon suggests that Elena wear the Ring of Immortality (something we actually KNOW works) to help stave off permanent death, during the ritual, Elijah shuts that idea down as well. “The ring only works on humans. The Doppelganger is a supernatural occurrence.”
A-HA! So, Elena is NOT entirely human! She’s a FAIRY, like Sookie on True Blood. That’s why all the boys want to bone her. The plot thickens . . .
Outside La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon chugs down his Power Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .
While Damon tries his very best to get wasted before 10 a.m., Stefan lectures him about the importance of trusting in Elena (even though her plan to save her own life, now seems MORE RIDICULOUS THAN EVER)!
STEFAN: “Yeah, I don’t think the plan’s going to work either. But by pretending I do, my chances of getting laid tonight, by the Girl of Our Mutual Dreams increases tenfold . . .”
DAMON: “Well, in that case . . .”
This Brotherly Bonding Session is interrupted by a screaming Useless Aunt Jenna, who is currently threatening Alaric with his own CROSSBOW! (I’m liking this chick more, by the minute. That probably means she’s going to die soon . . .)
Alaric quickly proves he’s no longer AlarKlaus, by beginning to share with the Scooby Gang some kinky sex story about how Jeremy walked in on him and Jenna playing Hide the Salami in the Gilbert Home . . .
So, BOTH Gilbert kids caught Alaric and Jenna en flagrante! Clearly, these two are Closet Exhibitionists.
Once the crew is convinced that Alaric is not going to (1) compel any of them to stab themselves in the leg; or (2) start dedicating cheesy old love songs to them, the weapons are lowered, and Alaric is allowed to deliver his message. “The Sacrifice Ritual is to take place tonight,” he says, ominously.
With that pesky errand out of the way, Alaric is allowed to have a seat in the living room of La Casa de Rich and Awesome. There, he can put his feet up, and reminisce with his old pals about the Good Old Days of AlarKlaus. (Like that time when he threatened his girlfriend with a butcher knife . . . FUN!) Elena quickly tires of these old war stories, and wanders up to Damon’s bedroom, where, you might have noticed, she has been spending quite a bit of time lately . . . *clears throat*
Love is Never Having to Say “I Made You Drink My Arm.”
There’s nothing like a little FORCE FEEDING to ruin an otherwise Perfectly Good Romantic Moment Between Two Extremely Attractive, and Sexually Active, Individuals! What’s the deal, TVD writers? Did a Delena Fan pee in your Cheerios? Why can’t we ever catch a break, huh?
I’m going to let you watch the scene in its entirety first. And then we can talk about it . . .
What’s interesting about this scene is how much it parallels the one from “The Last Dance.” In both cases, we have Elena approaching Damon in his bedroom, in hopes of coming to an understanding with him about certain decisions that have been made relating to the Sacrifice.
On one level (at least, until the force feeding happens) it’s a sweet, and straight forward scene, in which Elena tries to assure Damon that she will NOT die in the Sacrifice, and that she will, in fact, return to him. In return, Damon tries to convey to Elena how risky this undertaking is, how much he fears for her safety, and how much he can’t bear the thought of her no longer being in his world. “I can’t lose you,” he admits to her.
Notice how Damon and Elena move continuously closer to one another as they speak. The scene is deceptive in that way, in that it APPEARS as though the pair are coming to understand where eachother are coming from, and finally finding common ground.
Interestingly enough, just like in that OTHER scene, communications between the pair break down, at what, on the surface, seems like the most intimate moment between them. In “The Last Dance” when Damon said, “I’ll always choose you,” Elena was clearly moved by the extent of his affection for her.
Likewise, here, when Elena holds and massages Damon’s hands, looking deeply into his eyes, as she says, “It’s my life, my choice,” Damon seems literally swept off his feet, by the clear evidence that Elena truly cares for him. Damon keeps staring from Elena’s hands, back to her eyes, as if he can’t believe she is showing him so much love and trust. Elena smiles, thinking that she has finally got through to him.
But she hasn’t. And it is at THIS MOMENT that you can SEE Damon planning out exactly what his next move is going to be. And it involves, of all things, the HANDS, or rather, the arms . . .
When Elena turns to leave, Damon hesitates, for a moment, just as Elena did in the final moments of “The Last Dance,” when she turned back to face Damon one final time, before she headed to the cellar to de-stake Elijah. But, ultimately, just like Elena did then, Damon pushes all doubts about what he’s going to do out of his mind. He corners Elena at the door. And THIS happens . . .
“Now be a good little girl, and drink your blood. Open WIDE . . . here comes the Choo Choo Train!”
Then Stefan comes in. And the two brothers start beating the sh*t out of eachother AGAIN . . . at least, until Damon STAKES Stefan. And if you thought the romantic mood was ruined before, it’s SO Dead and Buried NOW!
“You are SUCH a cock block, Stefan Salvatore!”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t actually think that becoming a vampire (at least, in terms of how the show portrays the existence) is this Big Awful Thing that Elena believes it is. (More on THAT later.) But DAMON does.
Remember, this is the Damon who cried in The Descent (more foreshadowing) about how much he missed his humanity. This is also the Damon who held a grudge against Stefan for a CENTURY for manipulating him into turning into a vampire, all those years ago, when DAMON wanted die, after seemingly losing Katherine FOREVER.
Is anyone else as extremely turned on by this as I am?
In fact, nothing if not self aware, DAMON, himself, realizes the inconsistency of his actions, when he says to Elena, almost comically, “Go ahead, wish me an eternity of misery. Believe me, you’ll get over it.”
But it’s clear that, by the time Alaric and Jenna come to break up the fight (Boy, Jenna really got a Crash Course in Vampirism in the past two episodes, didn’t she?), Damon has already realized the error of his ways. And this is why he spends the rest of the episode trying to right his wrongs, by attempting to foil Klaus’ Sacrifice Ritual, in order to buy Elena another month, so that the next time, she can go about defeating Klaus in her extremely dumb way.
“You know, she will never forgive you,” Elijah tells Damon (Perhaps, talking from personal experience?). “And for a vampire, NEVER is an extremely long time.”
Unfortunately, grudges and the inability to let go are things DAMON understands all too well . . .
As Stefan drinks from a blood bag, and learns a very important lesson about how you shouldn’t “run with lamp posts,” Alaric and the No Longer All that Useless Aunt Jenna share a sweet moment outside Damon’s bedroom — one which only seems to further fortell Jenna’s DOOM. “I’m glad you’re OK,” U.A.J. whispers, before she pulls Alaric in for a kiss . . .
Nothing like being possessed by an Evil Vampire to make your girlfriend conveniently forget that you never told her you were MARRIED . . .
Meanwhile, at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Lizard Forbes Strikes Again (Can someone please KILL HER already?)
To Do List: (1) Seduce daughter’s soon-to-be-ex boyfriend. (2) Plot daughter’s murder with soon-to-be-ex boyfriend. (3) Eat puppies and kittens for lunch. (4) Kick babies in the head for fun. (5) Perform various acts of devil worship at the Local Church.
Caroline visits Matt Donovass Benedict Arnold at work. She’s happy and perky, and doesn’t notice anything out of the ordinary in their MASSIVE SHAM of a relationship. They make out, and I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
CAROLINE: “You smell like my mom. The two of you must use the same cologne and aftershave.”
MATT: “Not usually, but she let me borrow hers this morning after our shower.”
MATT: “Oh nothing . . .”
Caroline excuses herself, to go run a few errands. So, Matt immediately rushes over to the next table to gossip with Lizard, and plot his girlfriend’s demise . . .
In Matt’s (slight) defense, he does seem to have eased up a bit on the GALLONS of Lizard Kool Aid he’s been drinking over the course of the past few episodes. “Caroline seems pretty much to be EXACTLY the same person she’s always been, since he met her. So, why are we so intent on killing her again?” Matt wonders.
“Open your legs and spread em . . . Oh, and pull down your pants too . . . It’s standard police procedure.”
“Because I’m an evil harpy, with no redeeming personality traits.” Lizard replies. Apparently, having been raised to despise all vampires, and having been fooled so completely by Damon, Lizard would rather kill her own daughter, than believe that a vampire could actually be a kind and decent being. And here’s what I have to say about that . . .
Seeing that she no longer has his full support, Lizard kicks Matt out of the Kill Caroline Club. Seemingly having seen the error of his ways, Matt calls Caroline (we assume) to warn her about her murderous mom. But given his actions later, we can’t help but wonder whether he ACTUALLY called to lure her into some sort of trap . . .
“So, I was thinking maybe you and I could go out hunting on our next date. Well, actually, I’d hunt, and you’d be the target. It worked for Dick Cheney!”
Also hanging out at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls . . .
Team Bad Ass (Reunited and it feels SO GOOD!)
ALARIC: “So, I was thinking that tonight (like every night) we’d celebrate me getting my body back, by getting completely wasted and trying to recreate our own version of the movie The Hangover.”
DAMON: “Fine . . . but I get to be Bradley Cooper’s character.”
ALARIC: *pouts* “But I wanted to be HIM!”
Since the acts of (1) ensuring the Love of his Life an eternity of Miserable Bloodsucker-dom; and (2) almost murdering his brother with his favorite lamp TOTALLY killed his morning buzz, Damon decides to head back to the bar and commence with some SERIOUS catch up boozing. Alchy Alaric, of course, is more than happy to join in the festivities. “I screwed up,” Damon mopes.
“Yeah, you did,” replies Alaric. (I LOVE THESE TWO!)
But alas, this bromantic buddy moment is interrupted by an unwelcome guest . . . “Why so glum?” Inquires someone VERY BRITISH.
After thanking the Drunken History Teacher for the “loner” of his body, Klaus turns his attention to Damon, who, taking a page out of Mr. “I Don’t Believe in Confrontation” Stefan’s book, politely asks Klaus if he could . . . you know . . . maybe wait a month, before killing Elena, and beginning his Quest for World Domination. But Klaus, having already waited 500 YEARS for the opportunity to perform this ritual, isn’t in a particularly patient mood. “The Sacrifice is tonight . . . don’t screw it up,” Klaus warns, before exiting Stage Left.
“You’re going to screw it up, aren’t you?” Alaric asks, with mild amusement.
“You’ll help, right?” Damon asks, already knowing what the answer will be.
And with that, Team Bad Ass stumbles out of the bar on a mission that will undoubtedly be EPIC . . .
These two REALLY need their own theme song. Any suggestions?
Speaking of walking (and walking . . . and walking . . .)
Shrink Stefan and his “Miraculous” Waterfall Therapy
STEFAN: “So, Elena. Tell me about your parents untimely death, and how it made you FEEL . . . Oh, wait . . . never mind . . . I was there.”
I’m seriously starting to wonder if, during part of his 160 plus years on Earth, Stefan went to medical school and opened his own psychiatric practice. Because, seriously, this guy is more into talking about “feelings” than any other non-shrink male I’ve ever seen! And when Stefan begins to recognize that Elena might by holding back her feelings about very likely becoming a vampire in the immediate future, he spends the rest of the episode trying to get her to “OPEN UP” to him.
(So . . . basically, this week, we have one brother Kicking Ass and Taking Names, and the other one Getting Teary Eyed over Pretty Waterfalls. Not judging . . . just sayin’.)
“Look Elena . . . a DOUBLE RAINBOW! It’s SO BEAUTIFUL!”
Stefan brings Elena to an admittedly picturesque waterfall, and suggests they climb to the top of it. “Today is all about YOU,” he tells her (which would be a whole lot nicer of a sentiment, if Elena didn’t seem so completely AGAINST the idea of an extended hike).
ELENA: “Can’t we just stay home and watch episodes of True Blood on DVD or something?”
I’ll admit I giggled a bit, when Elena inquired as to why Stefan wasn’t going to use his Super Power Vampire Jumpy Thing to get her to the top of the mountain.
*Edward Cullen scoffs judgmentally at the notion of allowing one’s human girlfriend to (gasp) ACTUALLY USE HER FEET*
Despite Elena’s continual complaints, Stefan and Elena eventually hike up to the top of a mountain, while Stefan gently, but persistently, prods Elena to bare her soul to him. (Now, if this was DAMON and Elena at the top of the mountain, I’m guessing that SOUL baring would probably not be of the utmost concern. Methinks those two would be spending Elena’s Final Day as a Human screwing like bunny rabbits on that mountain top!)
But FEELINGS is what Stefan wants. So feelings is what Stefan is going to get . . .
Though the pair is generally pretty open (almost to a fault) regarding other aspects of their relationship, the notion of Eternity Together was a topic regularly skirted by this couple. Much of this, I suspect, had to do with the fact that Elena was never really “into” the whole idea of “living forever.” And Stefan, who instinctively knew this, felt that having that information out in the open would put a serious damper on their sex lives.
ELENA: “I wonder if the two of us will still be this good in bed, when we are both old and . . . oops, never mind.”
But after HOURS of relentless prodding on Stefan’s part, Elena FINALLY breaks down and monologues about how she looked forward to a life of making choices. She wanted to have babies, and get married, and grow old (OK, who the HECK actually wants to grow old? Seriously, Elena! Babies? maybe. OLD? Definitely NOT!) “I don’t want to be a vampire. I never wanted to be one,” Elena sobs.
“I know you didn’t,” replies Stefan sadly, as he pulls her in for an embrace.
Now, maybe this is just because I’m shallow, and deathly afraid of aging, but, aside from NEVER being able to have kids (But you could ADOPT, Elena!), I don’t really see what’s so awful about being a vampire . . . particularly when (like Elena) you are surrounded by OTHER vampires who can teach you how to do it, without losing your humanity, in the process. Would I want to live forever? Probably not. But, hey, you could always WALK OUT INTO THE SUN whenever you get really tired of being undead! So, what’s the big deal?
Perhaps, the REAL problem is that Elena isn’t so sure she wants to spend eternity with STEFAN, hmm?
In all seriousness, I understand that Damon (who knew firsthand, what it was like to LOSE ones humanity, and actually miss it) ideally, should have given Elena the CHOICE of whether she wanted to turn into vampire. On the other hand, from Damon’s perspective, this is a 17-year old girl who’s basically deciding to COMMIT SUICIDE! Here Elena is talking about all the “choices” she’s not going to get to make, once she becomes a vampire. But, would she REALLY get to make any of the choices ANYWAY, if Klaus killed her?
When you think of it that way, the issue really isn’t so black-and-white. Certainly, Elena’s statement that Damon doesn’t know what LOVE is, because he’s not willing to let her KILL HERSELF, before she’s of legal voting age, seems a bit misguided . . .
In significantly LESS Maudlin Couple News . . .
Throw Mama from the Stairs (and the Eagerly Awaited return of Forwood)!
TYLER’S MOM: “Yes, Scary (soon-to-be dead) witch dude, I will gladly fall down a flight of stairs to make Forwood Happen. Because, unlike some OTHER moms on this show, I actually VALUE my kid’s happiness, and would prefer him not to DIE.”
When we last saw Tyler’s mom, Elijah had conveniently taken her off vervain, so that he could . . . borrow her Dead Husband’s Suits? This week, Klaus’ Witch Buddy Maddox, seemingly compels her (though, honestly, I didn’t know witches could do that) to call Tyler, and tell him that she was in an accident, just moments before he magically pushes her down the steps. Now, we can assume that Maddox did this to further Klaus’ plan to “acquire” Tyler as a werewolf in his sacrifice ritual. But could Elijah’s de-vervaining of Mrs. Lockwood have been part of the Master Plan as well? Only time will tell . . .
(On a brighter note, at least, we know Elijah’s on Team Forwood!)
So, Tyler returns to Mystic Falls . . .
. . . to visit his mother at the hospital . . .
Outside the hospital, Tyler runs into Caroline, who is ALSO en route to pay her respects to his Mom . . .
It should, perhaps, be noted here that Jules has NO SOUL, and was COMPLETELY against the idea of Tyler visiting his OWN MOTHER at the hospital, so close to the time of their transformation. But even Jules knows True Love when she sees it, and is willing to give Tyler and Caroline some alone time to have SUPER HOT MAKEUP SEX “catch up.”
Let the INSANE CHEMISTY, LONGING LOOKS, and NEARLY UNBEARABLE SEXUAL TENSION ENSUE . . .
No wonder, Tyler needed this SEXUAL RELEASE, later on in the episode . . .
Clearly, both Tyler and Caroline have grown in their month apart from one another. For his part, Tyler seems to have mellowed significantly, since his last Caroline encounter. This is not the headstrong, impulsive, alpha male of Lockwood yore. This is a guy who thinks, before he speaks.
You can tell immediately that Tyler is thrilled to see Caroline, and that he is still just as in love with her, as he was the day he left Mystic Falls. But he knows how bad things were between the two of them when he left, and doesn’t want to push their relationship into uncomfortable territory. So, Tyler holds back . . . and hesitates, saying little with his mouth, but VOLUMES with his ever-expressive eyes.
Caroline TOO has changed since Tyler left. But HER change, was largely a change in heart toward Tyler. She realized how much she missed his friendship. She was clearly hurt, when he left without saying goodbye. And Caroline, for sure, is not going to let Tyler skip town, without getting some answers . . .
“You’re leaving again? Your explanation must have got lost in the mail . . . along with my goodbye letter,” challenges Caroline.
Tyler ponders the face of the woman he loves, wanting to say more . . . and then the Cock Block TWINS, Maddox and Greta, give them both Witchy Migraines and cart them away. (Presumably, Jules was nearby, when this occurred . . . But, since none of the fans really give a rats ass about her, nobody seemed to notice this, until MUCH later.)
Don’t worry Tyler! One of those two Bitchy Witches won’t live to see next week’s promos . . .
Tyler and Caroline Experiment with S&M . . . AGAIN
“I can see why this appeals to you, Tyler, but I’ve always been more of a Missionary Position kind of gal.”
“What are your thoughts on Doggy Style?”
The last time Tyler and Caroline played with chains, only Tyler was involved in the BONDAGE aspect of the foreplay . . .
But when the pair wake up from their Matching Witch Headaches, they are BOTH all chained up with no where to go . . .
Caroline immediately figures out that she and Tyler have been the Lucky Chosen Contestants in the Klaus Sacrifice Game Show. Unfortunately, since poor Tyler has been absent awhile, he hasn’t had time to DVR the last few episodes of TVD. So, Caroline quickly fills him in on who Klaus is, and on how the Sun and Moon Curse is a Big Ole ‘Fake.
“Well, that kind of sucks. Its a good thing I always carry my trusty flask, for situations like this . . .”
Since it doesn’t seem like they are going to be GOING ANYWHERE any time soon, Caroline, taking a page out of her Vamp Daddy Shrink Stefan’s book, decides now is as good a time as any to get Tyler to open up about the whole Abandonment Thing. “Why didn’t you say goodbye when you left? Why did you leave me?” Caroline asks, illustrating a vulnerability that warms Teen Wolf’s Heart.
“I know you hated me. I thought you deserved better than having someone like me in your life,” Tyler replies sadly.
“I was hurt. You turned your back on me when I needed you. But I could never hate you, Tyler, because I luuuuuuuuuuve youuuuu.”
“I really wish these chains were longer, so I can go over to your wall, and have End of the World Tomb Sex with YOU.”
Seriously, I knew we were going to get some solid Forwood moments in this episode, but I was NOT expecting all this. These type of in-depth eloquent conversations are the stuff FANFICTIONS are made of (REALLY GOOD FANFICTIONS!). It’s just too bad about this whole pesky TOMB thing . . .
Fortunately, help is on the way . . .
Kat Gets BURNED (in more ways than one) . . .
KATHERINE: “So, how many times would you say you’ve had me up against a wall, since the start of this season? Like, once an episode?”
So, apparently, all Damon needed Alaric’s “help” with was getting invited back into Alaric’s house. (That’s odd. I thought Katherine let him in last time?) If you recall, Damon saved Katherine’s ASS last week, by giving her vervain, so Klaus couldn’t compel her anymore. Now, he’s back, and wanting to COLLECT on the favor. Specifically, Damon wants to know where Klaus is hiding Tyler and Caroline.
“In your pants?”
Though Katherine, being KATHERINE, is initially unreceptive to Damon’s pleas for help, the threat of a Vampire Elena stealing Stefan’s heart for ALL ETERNITY causes her to change her tune, rather quickly. “They are in the tomb,” she admits.
Moments after Damon leaves, Klaus returns, and begins to suspect that Katherine is on vervain, and, therefore, non-compel-able. So, he plays a little game with her to “test” his hypothesis. And we all know how much FUN Klaus’ games can be . . .
So, while the Salvatore Brothers and Caroline use their Sunscreen Rings to prevent from “burning,” Katherine apparently prefers an elegant gold bracelet. Klaus makes her take it off, so she can “go get tan.”
You see, that’s the problem with having to PRETEND TO BE COMPELLED when you’re not. It only makes it that much more painful to do all the Crazy Crap you don’t want to do Finally convinced that Katherine is not on vervain, Klaus asks Katherine for a special favor, of the non-sexual variety. (She’s been getting that a lot, lately . . .)
Speaking of doing other’s favors . . .
Life Sucks and Tyler Bites (Damon?)
“I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”
When Damon arrives at the tomb, he encounters Klaus’ faithful Guard Dog, Maddox. The two duke it out, with the “Magical Maddox” seeming to get the upper hand . . . that is until MATT(?) (who, by the way still blames DAMON for Vicki’s death) shoots Maddox?
Matt’s intentions for walking around, armed with a gun filled with WOODEN BULLETS, are still unclear. Did he want to WARN Caroline about her mother, and merely bring the gun along as protection? Was he going to SHOOT Caroline, before her mother got a chance to do so? And what about his intention to shoot MADDOX? Was he, perhaps, aiming for Damon instead, and simply missed?
Whatever the reason, Damon ends up pistol whipping Matt (YEAH!) and pocketing the remaining bullets in his gun.
“Elena’s not the only one who gets to eat my hand!”
“You are lucky I already screwed up once today,” says Damon to an unconscious, but still alive, Matt, as he walks over him and heads to the tomb (which is kind of funny, because I SERIOUSLY thought Damon was going to kill Matt, this week).
Once inside the tomb, Damon rescues Caroline, and, at Caroline’s insistence, Tyler too. The problem, of course, is that Tyler is just minutes away from wolfing out . . .
On the way out of the tomb, the gang collects Matt (though he doesn’t deserve it). And the foursome run in the direction of Freedom, that is . . . until THIS happens . . .
Now, I love you TVD Costume Department. But it must be said, those are the CHEESIEST-LOOKING WOLF TEETH I have ever seen!
When a half-transformed, Tyler lunges at the group, Damon (who has been in FULL-ON hero mode this ENTIRE HOUR) literally throws himself on the proverbial sword, propelling his body onto Tyler, and instructing the others to head to safety. UH-OH!
Matt and Caroline split from Damon to lock up Were-Tyler. Meanwhile, Damon rushes back home to proudly tell Elena he’s Saved the Day (or so he THINKS).
By the way, did you notice how they changed Were-Tyler from a CGI wolf . . .
. . . to a REAL WOLF, since last time?
He’s WAY more CUDDLY now! Mommy Like!
The Poo Hits the Fan . . . (and the Sacrifice Begins)
Back at Shrink Stefan’s Waterfall of Compassion, Elena and Stefan begin to head home at nightfall. When they arrive, Klaus is waiting for them.
Tearful goodbyes are exchanged. And Elena, being the good MOMMY she is, instructs Stefan to close his eyes, so that he doesn’t have to watch the rest of the episode, because it’s “Veeeeeeeewwwy Scawwwy.”
Always one to have his brother do the dirty work, a Weepy Stefan calls Damon and tells him that, now that he’s already saved the rest of the Scooby Gang, it’s time to go Save Elena too. (Man! Talk about an unequal distribution of labor! I hope Damon’s getting paid for this in sexual favors.)
At Alaric’s house, Damon encounters the Man, the Myth, the Legend, Klaus . . .
Vampire Apocalypse be DAMNED! These two dudes just wanna dance!
Unfortunately, for Damon, Katherine isn’t the only old vampire who always has a Plan B. As it turns out, Tyler’s and Caroline’s capture was just a red herring to cover up for the REAL werewolf sacrifice . . .
(Remember when I said Jules was around when Caroline and Tyler were kidnapped? I’m assuming this is when they took HER too.)
But who’s the new VAMPIRE sacrifice? Well, it’s NOT Damon, as he learns when he wakes up on Alaric’s floor, after having mysteriously fallen unconscious.
“Klaus said you were as good as dead,” explains Katherine, as she helps him up off the ground. “What’s on your arm, Damon?”
Damon looks at his arm in horror . . . it couldn’t be . . . or could it? Damon remembers tackling were-Tyler in the forest . . . He remembers something ELSE too (a very annoying SCAR on the history of TVD) . . .
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, please! NOT AGAIN!
Oh, Klaus, you’ve really done it this time! YOU BREAK MY DAMON, I’LL BREAK YOUR FACE!
But what about that FAVOR Klaus asked of Katherine?
When Elena arrives with Greta to the site of the Sacrifice, she finds Jenna lying on the ground lifeless. “But I did everything you asked? Why did you do this to me?” Elena cries, holding her Aunt’s limp body.
“Oh, she’s not dead,” says Greta, with a smirk. “She’s (dun . . . dun . . . dun) IN TRANSITION.”
And the hits just keep on coming . . .
So, for those of you keeping score. Here’s how our TEAMS stacked up today . . .
Team HUMAN: minus 1 (potentially minus 2, assuming the Sacrifice goes as planned)
Team Vampire: plus 1 (potentially plus 2)
Team Witch: minus 1
Team Werewolf: (potentially minus 1)
Team Werewolf Bite-Infected Vampire: Plus 1 *sobs*
Team Were-Vamp Hybrid: ????
Based on the chilling extended promo, Next Week’s TVD installment, “The Sun Also Rises,” (which is also the penultimate episode of Season 2) promises one VERY GORY Sacrifice Ritual, some massive overacting serious wolfing out on the part of Klaus, lots more Crazy Eye Damon (except, now he’s got a REALLY good excuse for it), some Witch Hijinks and a Gilbert funeral? You can check it all out here . . .
So, tell me Fangbangers, are YOU ready for the Sacrifce?