Tag Archives: 222

Bite into that BIG Apple! It’s Time for Nationals! – A Recap of Glee’s Season 2 Finale “New York”

“Man, it is really hard to find a bathroom in this city!  Every place you try to go, they say you have to buy something first.  No wonder there is so much public urination in the Big Apple!’

Greetings Gleeks!  After weeks of speculation, the moment we’ve been waiting for all season, has finally come and gone.  The Glee kids came, saw, and conquered New York City . . . or at least a squeaky clean, sparkly, neutered version of it.  Speaking of neutered . . .

“Where the heck did my balls go?  I know I had them earlier in the season, back when I was in JUVIE.  Is it possible that when I was taking a shower in the communal . . . ?  Uh oh!”

Times Square:  The One Place Where You Can Still Buy Tickets to See Cats

“These tickets all say ‘SUCKER’ on them.  Ooh, maybe that’s one of the Cats’ Names!”

The episode begins with the Glee kids arriving in the usually bustling (and sometimes pretty scary) Times Square.  Although Times Square is typically, by far, the busiest part of Manhattan, the Glee kids find the area eerily void of humanity (AND DIRT!).  Seeing this reminded me of the opening dream sequence of that Really Bad Tom Cruise Movie (well . . . at least I thought it was really bad).  You know  . . . the one where he goes to Times Square, and learns that he’s the Only Man Left on Earth.  Talk about a HORROR FILM!

“L. Ron Hubbard predicted this would happen.”

Anyway, the Glee kids all start belting out “New York, New York,” on the steps near the TKTS Broadway ticket booth.  And I cringe inwardly, waiting for one of them to get mugged.  Then Rachel actually DOES . . . well, sort of.  Standing in front of the rest of the Glee Club, Little Miss Barbra Streisand 2.0 excitedly informs her pals that she got them all tickets to see “Broadway’s Longest Running Show . . . Cats.”  It is then up to Quinn, of all people, to break it to Rachel that the show has actually been off Broadway for ELEVEN YEARS!

 

“Oh, Febray!  Say it ain’t so!”

(By the way, was anybody else bugged by the fact that RACHEL, the Human Broadway Show Encyclopedia — who usually spends at least 5 minutes per episode spouting out useless facts about the Great White Way — DIDN’T know Cats was dunzo, but QUINN did?)

Anyway, the kids quickly head to the hotel, where Cheapskate Mr. Schue only manages to secure them TWO ROOMS (which has GOT to make the Bathroom Situation an absolute NIGHTMARE!).   Oh, and I’m pretty sure the “self-sacrificing teacher” somehow managed to get a room all to himself. (Real nice, right?)

“Well, if I roomed with the kids, I couldn’t watch 8 hours of hotel porn, now could I?”

I have to giggle a little bit when Puck and Zizes try to get served at the hotel bar (They order a Manhattan, har de har har.), and the bartender actually QUESTIONS whether these two are of drinking age.  This, of course, is despite the fact that both Puck and Lauren each look about 35-years old, and, by Glee’s timeline, have probably been chugging back shots of tequilla, since they were twelve . . .

PUCK:  “Hey Sweet Cheeks, what time are you getting off from work?  I’m sharing a hotel room (and two double beds) with five other guys.   We can show you a REAL good time . . . and my girlfriend can watch.”

As if Mr. Schue hasn’t already proved himself to be the Worst Chaperone EVER, he then decides to lock the Glee kids in a SINGLE hotel room, so that THEY can pen the songs they SHOULD have come up with weeks ago for the National Competition, which is less than 24 hours away.  Meanwhile, HE goes off to promote Matthew Morrison’s upcoming album pursue his Broadway Dreams . . .

“On stage, we call this an ‘Inspired Performance.’  In the potty, we call this a Bad Bout of Constipation.”

 A Stagehand happens to catch Will Schuester performing “Matthew Morrison’s Hit Single ‘We’ve Got Tonight'”  on an empty stage, in the theater where April Rhodes’ CrossRhodes (not to be confused with the terrible Britney Spears film of the same name) is set to debut.  Stagehand is quick to compliment Will on his “obvious talent.”  He then tries to sell Schue some leftover tickets to Cats . . .

“They say there’s a sucker born every minute.  When’s your birthday?”

Nothing Says Loving Like a Street-side Serenade Outside Sardi’s

ARTIE:  “Just think, at this time last night, real, honest to goodness, hookers could have been occupying this very spot.”

SAM:  “Hey Puck!  Put down the friggin accordion!  You’re TOTALLY destroying our game!”

PUCK:  “What?  I want the ladies to know I’m good with my fingers!”

Cooped up in the hotel room, Artie and Brittany offer up THEIR suggestion for an Original Song the Glee kids can sing at Nationals.  It’s called “My Cup.” 

I can’t be the only viewer who found this song a little dirty, right?  I mean, come on . . . “In the middle of the night, I’m in bed alone.  Don’t care if you’re paper, glass, or Styrofoam” ????

Santana TOTALLY gets it!

You can listen to this masterpiece (emphasis on the “master”) in its entirety, HERE:

Though Britney and Artie are the first ones to suggest an actual song, it’s QUINN  . . .

(She of the “Last week, I said I was going to do something evil to Finn, and ruin Nationals for the Glee kids, when all I actually did was cut my hair short and scowl a lot.”)

 . . . who comes up with the most INSPIRED performance idea.  Bad Apple Quinn easily convinces the Glee kids to disobey Will’s wishes and spend the night running rampant around the city, instead of working on their Original Songs.  “We don’t have to write Original Songs,” says Quinn.  “New York City will write them for us.” 

(You know, I hate to break this to you, Quinn, but I’ve been trying to get New York City to write my next novel, for about a year now.  The City is just too damn lazy!)

Reality Checks notwithstanding, the Glee kids frolic around Central Park, while rocking out to an inspired “I Love New York / New York, New York” Mashup.

(Just out of curiosity, does anybody else agree with me that THIS mashup, along with Kurt’s and Rachel’s later duet from Wicked, would have, ultimately, been better choices, as Nationals performance numbers, than the songs the Glee kids actually ended up singing?)

Back in the boys’ hotel room, Finn, once again, suggests that Rachel and him singing a duet together would be a great strategy for getting in Rachel’s panties winning Nationals.  The rest of the boys agree, and egg Finn on to invite Rachel out on a romantic New York Date .  “You know, like the ones in those romantic comedies, that make men grow a vagina, if they watch them all the way through,” Puck adds.

Did Puck just really say “vagina” on Fox?  (And did I just type it . . . twice.)

 (Taking this statement into consideration, one can’t help but wonder whether this is what happened to Puck, after he went on his first date with Lauren Zizes to see “Something Borrowed,” starring Kate Hudson.) 

Speaking of girly movies, when Finn texts Rachel to ask her out on their Romantic Date, she looks like she’s trapped in the “Girl Bonding Montage” of a Chick Flick, herself . . .

Source

RACHEL: “If one of you ends up getting a Makeover to Increase Your Self Esteem, I’m SO jumping off the Empire State Building . . . Oh, wait . . . Quinn actually DOES that, in the next scene?  Just kidding!”

Finn takes Rachel out to explore the sights of New York.

“I guess going skinny dipping is out of the question, huh?”

The pair end up at Sardi’s for dinner, causing me to wonder what kind of High Class Paper Route Finn runs at home, because that place is NOT CHEAP!

“I hope you like washing dishes.  Because that’s how I’ve arranged to pay for this meal.”

“Seriously?  Now, instead of having Jazz Hands on stage tomorrow, I’m going to have Dish Pan Ones!”

At Sardi’s, Rachel encounters her idol, Barbra Streisand Patti Lupone (I guess Barbra was busy?).  Lo and behold, Patti has some Sage Advice for Rachel.  She tells her to . . . wait for it . . . “Follow [Her] Dreams.”

Oh my goodness!  I have never heard such inspiring words before.  My life will never be the same again.  Thank you, Glee!

Outside Sardi’s, Rachel tells Finn that the only thing that would make this night more perfect, would be if the pair were serenaded.  So, of course, Finn’s posse magically appears, and starts singing “Bella Notte” to the Happy Couple . . .

 You can LISTEN to the song, in its entirety, here:

Personally, I would have liked the scene much better, if the Boys started singing the Lady and the Tramp Song, back at Sardi’s, while Rachel and Finn were playing meatball hockey with their noses, and accidentally making out with one another, thanks to one Very Mischevious Strand of Spaghetti . . .

 Speaking of making out, while the Boys are still singing, Finn tries to plant a wet one on Rachel.  But, alas, Finn’s Love Interest of the Week runs away, because she ate some bad Chicken Carbonara has to go “Follow Her Dreams” . . . or something.  And because they have NO TACT WHATSOEVER, Finn’s boys actually continue to serenade him, even after he’s been FLAT OUT REJECTED . . .

AW-KWARD!

(Needless to say, at the exact same moment when this is happening, about 200 men, forced to watch Glee at home with their girlfriends, spontaneously sprout vaginas . . .)

 A Stagehand Saves the Day: Part 2 (Electric Boogaloo)

“We’re not in Lima, anymore, Toto . . . er . . . I mean, Rachel.”

Kurt wakes Rachel up the following morning, so that the pair can have Breakfast at Tiffany’s (or, perhaps, more accurately, breakfast OUTSIDE of Tiffany’s).  The aforementioned exchange made me wonder if Mr. Schue had followed the concierge’s advice, and assigned rooms based on “sexual orientation,” after all . . .

(Then again, had he done that, Santana would have been sleeping with the guys . . .)

Anyway, Rachel confesses to Kurt that she and Finn love eachother.  However, she knows she’s destined to go to school in NYC and be on Broadway, and blah, blah, blah, Boyfriend Emergency, blah. 

So, Kurt comes up with the “inspired idea” of breaking into the theater where the pair’s favorite Broadway Show, Wicked (Remember when they sang the duet to “Defying Gravity” together?  Ah, memories!), is performed.  This way, Rachel can see what she might end up missing in the long run, if she starts dating the Finn-ster  and actually ends up dating him for longer than a two-week period, this time . . . 

“But we’ll get in trouble,” Rachel squeaks.

Have no fear, Little Berry, SUPER STAGEHAND is here to let you Live Out Your Broadway Dreams (provided your dreams only last fifteen minutes) . . .

“Ta-da!”

With Super Stagehand’s permission, Kurt and Rachel perform a GORGEOUS duet to Wicked’s “For Good,” with the set of the play, flanking them on all sides . . .

“Woah, Kurt, how much hair product did you use this morning?  I’m worried your Snookie Poof will set this set on fire!”

“Hey!  I resemble that remark!”

You can watch Kurt’s and Rachel’s impromptu performance, here:

At the end of the duet, Rachel seems to have made her  “Sophie’s Choice” . . .

 Meanwhile  . . .

Quinn Cuts Her Hair, Will Cuts the Chord . . . on his Dreams

Back in the hotel room, Quinn has a mini freakout, because her, Santana and Brittany “don’t have a chance at true love.”  Umm  . . . Quinn?  You’ve been single for LESS ONE EPISODE.  You are act like a heinous bitch, about 95% of the time  Please allow me to serenade you, with my tiny violin, regarding your Tragic Lack of True Love . . .

 As for Brittany and Santana “not having love,” well, the former just dumped her boyfriend for calling her “stupid.”  And the latter is faux-dating her fellow beard, Karofsky . . .

So, take that QUINN! 

My personal annoyance with Quinn, notwithstanding, Brittany and Santana are surprisingly sensitive to their erstwhile-pal.  They even attempt to bolster her foul mood, by treating her to a ridiculously overpriced New York haircut.  And, as much as I dislike Quinn, I have to say, girlfriend looks quite fierce in her new do’ . . .

 

Downstairs at the hotel bar, Mr. Schue meets up with Vocal Adrenaline coach, Dustin Ghoulsby . . .

. . . (who, unfortunately, is wearing a bit more clothes in the scene, than he is in the above picture).  Dustin has conveniently heard through the grapevine that Schue plans to leave teaching to pursue his Broadway Dreams.  Dustin thinks that’s a fab idea, remarking how much HE would love to stop teaching Show Choir, considering how much he DESPISES his students.  “But I love my students,” Will remarks, as I throw up a bit in my mouth.

Insert shallow attempt at humor here  (I’ve got nothing.)

Will’s undying love for his underage students notwithstanding (See how I just made something Sickeningly Sweet and Innocent sound Disgustingly Inappropriate?), Dustin immediately rushes to go rat out Will to his students. 

However, when Will arrives at the hotel room to collect the Glee kids for the Nationals competition, rather than bitch him out for NOT GIVING TWO CRAPS ABOUT THEM, THROUGHOUT THIS ENTIRE NEW YORK TRIP, they actually encourage Will to give Broadway a try.  And yet, Will (who has clearly never met Patti Lupone) is not about to give up his  love of teens for something as insignificant as a Once-in-a-Lifetime Opportunity at Fame and Fortune.  Andhe  tells his kids as much. 

(So, much for leaving us with a Cliffhanger, Glee writers!)

Happy to have their Steadfast Mr. Schue for at least one more season, the Glee kids join their teacher in a Big Fat Group Hug.  Puck enters the embrace first . . . because he has a vagina.  (Ummm . . . yeah, I’ve used this word WAY too many times in this recap.  It’s starting to make me feel uncomfortable, to be honest.)

Anywhoo enough about vaginas (DAMN!  I did it again.), it’s NATIONALS TIME!

The Big Kiss . . . and The Even Bigger Kiss Off . . .

RACHEL:  “Finn, is that GUM, in your mouth?  How many times have I told you not to chew GUM on stage?  It’s unprofessional.”

FINN: *blows bubble in Rachel’s mouth*

 At the Nationals Competition, Some Random Girls’ Choir, wearing short slutty dresses, performs Usher’s 2004 hit, “Yeah.”  And while their singing is “OK,” the dancing is ridiculous, and reminds me a bit of the Glee kids’ bizarre lunchroom dance to Salt n’ Pepa’s “Push It,” back in Season 1 . . .

You can listen to the song, here:

In the bathroom at Lincoln Center, Rachel and Sunshine Corazon come full circle from their Season 2, Episode 1, Potty Sing Off . . .

.  . . when Rachel, upon hearing Sunshine RALPH in the toilet, finally apologizes for sending her to a crackhouse for Glee club auditions. When Rachel learns that Sunshine HATES Vocal Adrenaline, and is petrified of performing in front of the crowd(Can I smell a transfer BACK to New Directions for Sunshine in Season 3), the newly reformed diva even goes so far as to offer to give Sunshine the “thumbs up sign” when she’s on stage, so the youngun won’t be nervous.   “But don’t you want to win?”  Sunshine inquires, without the snarky edge she COULD have used with that line . . .

“How was the old crackhouse, by the way?  I’ve been meaning to get back there for a refill, but I’ve been so busy not preparing for Nationals, that I haven’t really had the chance.”

“Guys like us have to stick together,” Rachel replies, pulling Sunshine in for a hug.  (All together now, “AWWWWW!”)

Sunshine performs an original song entitled “As Long as You’re There.”  And, while her voice is amazing, I must admit, I was mighty underwhelmed by herVocal Adrenaline backup dancers, who basically did the same dance to this WILDLY DIFFERENT number, as they did last year to “Bohemian Rhapsody during Regionals. 

But don’t take my word for it.  Watch the performance here, and judge for yourself . . .

During New Direction’s performance, a Smouldering Jesse St. Douchey-But -Still-Hot-James arrives, sneaking into a conveniently empty seat next to Schue to watch the show. 

“I’m here to collect my payment for hitting on Rachel, and not helping you prepare for Nationals at all.”

Though Jesse claims to be only interested in the performance, it’s pretty obvious he’s there, because he’s still in love with Rachel.  And Schue glibly calls him on that fact. 

(So, am I the only one that’s still kind of rooting for Jesse?  What can I say?  I have a thing for Raging Asshats!)

Asshat Lovin’ = Good Lovin’

The first New Directions Number is an Original Song written by Finn, called “Pretending.”  Not surprisingly, it’s a Finchel Duet. 

“Pretending” sounds and looks pretty much like every other Finchel Duet we’ve seen since Season 1, from the “Walking Slowly Toward One Another from Opposite Sides of the Room” Bit to the “Staring Intently Into One Another’s Eyes While Holding Hands, and Making Teary Constipated Facial Expressions at Eachother” Bit.  The only difference HERE is the ending, in which Finn (despite Rachel having reiterated her “I’ve got to follow my dreams” dumping of him, prior to the start of the performance) abruptly shoves his tongue down Rachel’s throat.

The audience is stunned into silence. (probably because they skipped last week’s episode, and thought Finn was still dating Quinn).  After a few moments of uncomfortable awkwardness, Schue offers the couple a tepid Slow Clap off the stage.  Poor Jesse looks heartbroken.  But hey, that’s what you get for making breakfast on your girlfriend’s head in Season 1 . . .

Watch “Pretending” and the Controversial Kiss that Ended it All here:

“Pretending” was followed up by another Original Song.  This one was entitled “Light Up The World.”  And, while it was peppier, and definitely more fun to watch, than “Pretending,” I didn’t find the song itself particularly memorable, or the dancing that accompanied the song all that different from what we saw at Regionals with “Loser Like Me.” 

You can check out “Light Up The World,” here:

The Big Shock of the Evening (though, considering the meh performances, it actually didn’t seem all that shocking) is that New Directions doesn’t end up placing in the Top Ten at Nationals.  (It comes in twelfth.) 

Oh, the humanity!

Though everyone is pretty bummed about the loss, no one takes it harder than Santana.  The former Cheerio has a little Lima Heights Adjacent Style Freakout in the dressing room.

Source

Once she is back home from New York, Santana even goes as far as to create a Yellow Cardigan- wearing-Rachel Voodoo Doll to torture.  (Many of the Glee kids, Santana included, blame the loss on how mediocre they performed the inappropriateness of the on-stage Finchel Kiss.)

So, of course, it is up to Brittany to cheer Santana up.  During a very sweet little locker scene, Brittany tells Santana how much she loves her (but just as a friend .  . . for now, at least), and how lucky the two of them are to have found “family” in their fellow Glee clubbers.  Brittany’s surprisingly wise words do wonders for Santana’s spirits.  And Santana tells Brittany as much . . .

Source

I, for one, adore these two togther, and very much look forward to the mature progression of their relationship in Season 3. 

Speaking of couples I adore, Kurt and Blaine finally exchanged “I LOVE YOU’S,” this week!

As dramatic as the multiple Finchel Moments were in this episode, I loved the quiet sweetness of this single Klaine moment.  No over-acted overtures, extravagant gestures, or big speeches were necessary.  This was just another day for Kurt and Blaine. 

The couple was just having coffee together, sharing stories, and enjoying one another’s company.  And then, seemingly out of no where, Blaine said it . . . the three words that Kurt undoubtedly has been wanting to hear, since he first met the guy, earlier this season. 

It was perfect!  Kudos to Darren Criss and Chris Colfer for the understated elegance of this memorable moment.

Oh, yeah, and I almost forgot, Finn and Rachel got back together.  (SUPRISE!)  After all that hemming and hawing about “following her dreams,” it turns out Rachel has an ENTIRE YEAR LEFT OF HIGH SCHOOL, before she even has to think of applying to NYU.  Talk about an hour’s worth of unnecessary drama! 

That being said, the couple’s second kiss on the floor of the library was way more adorable and genuine, than their overblown stage one, at least, in my opinion . . .

Source

Speaking of couples, you know who else is secretly dating in Glee Club World because heaven forbid any of these folks date someone who isn’t remotely involved in the show choir ? SAMCEDES!

Source

Hmmm . . .  it could work! 🙂 

And, there you have it folks!  Two seasons of Glee down, and hopefully, at least a few more to go.  So . . . how did you like the finale?  Did you think the Glee kids deserved to win Nationals?  Are you down with Samcedes?  Feel free to sound off in the comment section below . . . 

Have a great summer, my Gleekies!

[www.juliekushner.com]

11 Comments

Filed under Glee

Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

Source

ELENA:  “Mmmm . . . your face tastes good . . . like chocolate . . . and sex.  I’ve been waiting for TWO SEASONS to do this!”

DAMON: “Yes, Elena.  My mouth is heavenly, isn’t it?  You know what OTHER part of me is heavenly?  I’ll give you a hint, you’re leaning against it, right now.”

ELENA:  “Slow down, horndog!  Save something for the SEASON 3 FINALE!”

 Holy heck, Fangbangers!  Say what you will about the TVD writers, but they SURE do know how to end off a season with a bang . . . (and a bite . . . and a suck . . . and an “Aren’t you supposed to already be dead?”).  Perhaps, I should take a moment to remind you about the LAST SEASON FINALE . . .  Remember THIS?

. . . and THIS?

 . . . and THIS?

How about THIS?

As I was watching the Season 2 Finale, I kept thinking back on TVD’s FIRST season ender, and realizing what very different “creatures” these two episodes were.  While the Season 1 Finale, was all about nonstop action, chaos, and the creation of multiple cliffhangers . . .

 . . . the Season 2 Finale was quieter and slower moving, but, arguably, more thought provoking.  The way I see it, “As I Lay Dying,” was less about what actually HAPPENED during the episode, and more about HOW the things that happened reflected events of the show’s past, while foreshadowing its a VERY different future  . . .

Speaking of foreshadowing for the future, NEVER, in my whole history of television watching, has a season finale made me MORE excited for the show’s subsequent season, than THIS Season Finale did for TVD’s Season 3.  And no, I’m not just saying that because Season 3 promises to be the Year of Delena . . .

 . . . Dark Stefan . . .

and . . . “Damn, that Jeremy Gets Around!”

On second thought .  . . who am I kidding?  That’s EXACTLY why I’m saying it!

Well, we’ve got a heck of a lot to cover.  So, what do you say, we get started?

It’s Too Late to Apologize . . . Or Is It?

“Oh, come on, Elena!  How could you NOT forgive a face like this?  And really . . . I mean . . . when you think about it, what I did to you THIS time was no where NEAR as bad as the Jeremy Neck Snap Incident!”

We begin the episode with a closeup on Sad Elena.  She checks on a still-sleeping Jeremy, before taking an extremely maudlin journey into the Now-Dead Useless Aunt Jenna’s room, where the yummy stench of Alaric’s Chunky Monkey still hangs in the air, like a promise unfulfilled . . .

“Come on, Elena!  Don’t be sad!  Might I interest you in some Comfort Food?”

Then Damon magically appears . . .

“I think I’ll have some of that Comfort Food now, please.”

We, of course, know, by this point, that Damon believes his diagnosis of Were Rabies to be a death sentence.  But Elena doesn’t know about it yet.   And Damon plans to keep it that way. 

He comes to Elena begging for forgivness.  Like a terminal cancer patient receiving his last rights, Damon wants absolution for the sins he’s committed against the woman he loves most.  “Feeding you my blood,” he begins.  “It was wrong.”

“I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness UHHH YEAH YOU DO, especially considering the fact that she is NOT A VAMPIRE, and also NOT DEAD, because of YOU!, but I need it,” Damon explains.

I love how unassuming and quietly reserved Damon is, when he says these words.  As fans, we know EXACTLY how desperate Damon is for Elena to forgive him for what he has done, before he dies.  And yet, Damon carefully hides his desperation from Elena, not wanting to reveal to her his lethal secret.  If Elena is to forgive him now, Damon wants to be sure that she does it from her heart, and not because she feels forced to do so by Damon, or worse, does it out of pity.

“And I need some time . . . maybe a lot of time,” says Elena to the guy she THINKS will live forever. 

(Ahh, the benefits of hanging out with vampires.   You get to hold a grudge for a REALLY LONG TIME.  And they will probably still take you back, when you are finished with your YEARS of sulking . . . but only if you look like Nina Dobrev.)

“Take all the time you need,” fibs Damon dejectedly, already resigned to his fate. 

Damon even manages to give Elena a small wistful smile, as he leaves her home, while on the inside, we know that he is doing THIS . . .

A dejected Damon then stumbles back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome to pour himself, what he believes to be, his Last Breakfast of Bourbon and Tears . . .

“Oh, my dear, sweet liquor!  At least YOU will never let me down, by being a total brat to me, while I’m on my DEATH BED.”

Damon then takes off his shirt (YEAH!) rolls up his sleeve (DARN!) to examine his were bite.  I’m not going to lie.  It’s pretty darn fugly looking.  At this point, Damon sees the writing on the wall.  He knows that in less than a day, he’s going to start to go bonkers, and, if history is any indication, become a SUPER ANNOYING, DROOLING, MENACE TO MYSTIC FALLS, much like THIS GIRL was  . . .

Becoming Rabid Man Stealer Rose is a FATE WORSE THAN DEATH . . .

Not wanting this to happen to him, Damon removes his Sunscreen Ring and his shirt (COME ON, WRITERS!  WORK WITH ME HERE!), and walks toward his unusually-ornate-for-a-bachelor-pad stained-glass window (religious imagery much?),  while whiny contemplative chick music moans in the background (And, if THAT’S not enough to make you kill yourself, I don’t know what is!).

“Geez, I’m dying here!  Can’t I at least go out to the tune of something COOL . . . like Anberlin’s ‘Enjoy the Silence?'”

But just when Damon’s face starts to show signs of serious sun damage, OUT OF FRIGGIN NOWHERE, Stefan, that BAD ASS MO FO (And, really, how often do I describe Stefan in this way?) rushes onto the scene, tackle hugs his brother, and then pushes him against the wall, in one of the season’s Most Homoerotic Wall Slams EVER!

Source

“Kiss me, you fool!”

After he finishes wall-humping his hot older brother, Stefan tosses Damon into La Casa de Rich and Awesome’s Very Own, Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires (past residents of said institution include the now-long-dead Zach Salvatore, Bloodaholic Stefan, and Rabid Rose) . . .

“I’ll be watching you, Damon . . . (so, don’t drop the soap)!”

Suddenly, having plenty of time on his hands, Damon takes this opportunity to get better acquainted with the hardwood floor that will be his home (and only true companion) for the duration . . .

“Hey babe!  What are YOU in for?”

But then Damon hacks up a whole boatload of blood all over said Floor, thereby shutting off any chance of a meaningful relationship between them.  And yet, just because Damon is dying from a terrible disease, destined to become Annoying Rose, and might never get laid again, doesn’t mean he can’t have a sense of humor about his  increasingly dire situation . . .

“Would it be too much to ask for a conjugal visit with your girlfriend?”

Damon wonders what’s going on in Prison Warden Stefan’s head.  “What’s the plan, Superman?”  He inquires dryly.

“Is that kryptonite in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?”

Damon then suggests that Stefan “tell him goodbye, and get it over with.”  But Superman Stefan is not ready to bid his brother adieu.  He’s got a cure to find . . . and a witch to visit.

Meanwhile, in a random forest, there lies a shirtless Original Were Vamp . . . (Thank YOU!  At least SOMEONE understands the meaning of the phrase “clothing optional.”)

Hey, Look!  It’s Adam and Eve (if Adam was a vampire . . . and Eve was his brother . . . and instead of eating forbidden fruit, they ate HUMANS)!

Source

OMG!  That Crazy Brother F*&ker!  (Just so you know, what happens in the forest, STAYS in the forest.)

And you thought Damon and Stefan had SEXUAL TENSION?  These two brothers have NOTHING on Elijah and Klaus — two clearly bisexual (and incestual?) half-brother vampires, who have undoubtedly endured a MILLENNIUM of hating one another, while still wanting to jump eachother’s bones on a regular basis  . . .

Klaus, who’s been . . . umm . . . “not quite himself, lately”  . . .

 . . . asks his patiently waiting (and still perfectly coiffed, despite having spent days in the forest without a change of clothing, a shower, or indoor plumbing) brother for a recap of the past few days.  Elijah remarks with a bit of brotherly pride, that Klaus remained a wolf, even after the full moon, thus signifying that he can change at will.  Elijah then MAJORLY pisses off fans, by helping Klaus put his friggin clothing back on.  (LAME!)

The brothers eye f*&k a bit, as Elijah reminds Klaus that the latter promised to reunite him with the rest of his family, who, last we checked, were not-so-much buried at sea.  Klaus, echoing Elijah’s earlier in the season words to Elena, vows to keep his promise to his brother, despite the fact that Elijah . . . sort of/kind of tried to kill him.  “That’s OK,” offers Klaus, kindly.   “No ONE can kill me now . . . not even YOU.”

THIS . . . is becoming LESS AND LESS TRUE by the minute.  (But hey, at least he’ll always have that hair . . .)

Speaking of getting wrecked (bad transition?), back at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, our SECOND favorite Alchy (because DAMON is first, obviously) is busy getting blotto, having lost his SECOND SEXUAL PARTNER to vampiric death in the course of five episodes . . .

(Alaric is officially the NEW Jeremy . . .)

“Damon’s Dying . . . Please Help Him Get Sh*tfaced.”

 Source

Is it just me, or does Alaric Saltzman get hotter with every episode?  Clearly, I have a thing for drunks (and chunky monkeys)?

 As Alaric stumbles off his bar stool, he gets a phone call from Stefan.  “I’m sorry, you’ve reached someone, who is currently not operating,” Alaric slurs.  (I swear, he sounds like Damon, more and more, every day!)

You know, with all that happened in last week’s episode, I totally forgot about Alaric’s Locked in the House by Bonnie’s Spell Thing.    That is until Stefan called Alaric, asking for help, and Alaric petulantly replied that he is “not allowed to help.  I am only allowed to sit back in the house, while my girlfriend gets sacrificed in some weird vampire ritual.”

“Awwww . . . man!  You’re still pissed at me about that?  Didn’t you get the ‘I’m sorry you were locked in the house by a witch’s spell, while your girlfriend was sacrificed by some weird vampire ritual’ roses and e-card I sent you?”

But Matt Davis is nothing if not a master in subtle changes in facial expression.  And when Stefan tells Alaric that Damon is dying, we immediately see all color drain from the poor guy’s face, and all stubborn anger leave his body.  Alaric has already lost his girlfriend.  He’ll be damned if he has to lose his BEST friend too.  “What do you need me to do?” He inquires solemnly.

Yes, my fellow fangbangers . .  . Team Bad Ass is back in action . . .

“You can’t die, Man!  Because I really need my wingman / drinking buddy back!”

But this wouldn’t be a season finale without a Random (and kind of stupid) Mystic Falls Event.  And this one is the Period Piece Picnic and Showing of Gone with the Wind in the Park . . .

 “You’re Aunt and Uncle /Father are dead.  My Mom wants to kill me.  So, let’s watch a movie, and make fun of people who are dressed like ASSH*LES.”

Elena and Jeremy are determined to regain some sense of normalcy in their lives.  (Well . . . Elena is . . . Jeremy’s just kind of moodily sulking, and looking all SAD HOT.)

“I need a hug.”

The mopey pair meet up with an almost unnervingly happy Caroline (Is that an “I just got laid” glow on your face, Vampire Barbie?) . . .

 . . . who believes that watching Gone with the Wind is just the thing this depressed duo needs to lift their spirits.   “The war is over.  Atlanta has burned.  Let’s move on!”  Caroline remarks cheerily.  (Oh, yeah!  She’s SO had sex, recently!)

Of course, watching Caroline perkily emote, I couldn’t help but wonder where TYLER was, during all this.

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn about period movies, or picnics, or stupid outfits . . .”

Source

“But I’d gladly dress like a Civil War Reenacting Reject for YOU, Caroline.”

Speaking of reenactments . . . I think it’s time for YET ANOTHER of Bonnie’s Witchy Spells, don’t you?  (No?  Well, unfortunately, you’re going to get one, anyway . . .)

In the words of Damon Salvatore, “Screw YOU, EMILY!”

I like you better when you are Maya from Pretty Little Liars . . .

Why is it that every time I see Bonnie, and her friggin candles, with her friggin eyes closed, mumbling gibberish, I get this terrible sense of deja vu?  It’s like the morning after a night of binge drinking, when, gradually, memories of the people you HUMILIATED yourself in front of rise unbidden to the surface of your mind.  That’s what these scenes feel like for me.  Maybe I would hate them less, if I didn’t have to see them EVERY SINGLE WEEK!

“Hey look!  There’s a spell in here that actually doesn’t involve filling an ENTIRE room with lit white candles.  Nahhh . . . too risky.”

Speaking of the candles, do you think Bonnie reuses the same ones for every spell, or just keeps buying new ones?  Because, if the latter is true, girlfriend should seriously consider buying stock in Yankee Candle, by now! 

Anywhoo, Stefan wants Bonnie to “summon the spirits” in order to see if any of them know of a werebite cure.  She closes her eyes, mumbles, candles flicker . . . blah, blah, blah, Witch Emergency, blah.  And all of the sudden Bonnie is “Emily,” which means she speaks in a slightly higher, but infinitely more haughty and obnoxious, voice.

“Woah, now she thinks she’s EMILY?  This B*tch is CRAZY!”

Stefan asks “Emily” about the cure for a werewolf bite.  But Emily, apparently, still has a big BUG up her ass about Damon, and doesn’t want to give up the intel. (I really never understood Emily’s DAMON hate.  I mean, didn’t he try to SAVE HER from being burned, so that she could help him find Katherine?  What gives, lady?)  “Emily” babbles on for WAY TOO LONG about the “balance of nature in the universe,” while I zone out for a bit, and have a Damon Sex Fantasy . . .

 . . . but then BONNIE wakes me up with her writhing in pain, and screaming.  (DAMN YOU, Bonnie!  I was having a good dream!)

“I’ve really gotta cut back on all the coke snorting I do  . . .”

Apparently, Emily isn’t the only witch with a Big Fat Bug up her ass.  The WHOLE Dead Coven seems to be collectively experiencing its Time of the Month.  They beat up on Bonnie, because they think she is “abusing their power.”  I think they all just need to get laid.  And, judging by the end of the episode . . . Jeremy may just be able to help them with that little problem, next season.

“Imma f*&k all you b*tches, REAL GOOD!”

Fortunately, the witches aren’t SO mad at Bonnie, that they aren’t willing to give her a little hint as to what she needs to do to save our Damon.  But since complete sentences just aren’t their style, they only give her a name, “Klaus.”

 Speaking of women on their periods . . .

Lizard Forbes gets her ASS handed to her by Mama Lockwood . . .

“This scene was supposed to make you feel bad for me.  But because I am an evil lizard / child killer, it fails, MISERABLY.”

I think this scene is completely random, and probably should have landed on the cutting room floor, in exchange for a Shirtless Damon scene. 

But since, I’m actually writing this recap in REAL TIME (i.e. watch a scene, press Pause, recap it, watch the next scene . . . wash, rinse, repeat) you have the joy of hearing me describe it, anyway. 

Mayor Lockwood is DONE being the sweet little lady who hosts charity events, and says kind things to Elena, and lends Elijah her house, and rejoices over her son’s return from Werewolf Camp, even though she is laid up in the hospital, following a “bad fall” down those Pesky Mansion Steps . . .

“That Damon Salvatore, sure is sexy!  Maybe I can hire him to come and give me a nice long sponge bath.”

Now, because the script requires it she is a kind-of-scary, Vampire-Hating Poopy Head .  . .

 . . . who thinks Lizard Forbes isn’t doing enough to remedy the “Vampire Situation” in Mystic Falls. 

Don’t get me wrong!  I LOVE seeing Lizard Forbes being abused by ANYONE willing to take on the job.  However, considering that everything concerning the “Vampire Emergency,” since Rose’s rabid rampage, has either been (1) explained away by natural means; (2) erased from the general public’s memory through compulsion; or (3) happened in secret (like John’s and Jenna’s deaths), I’m not really seeing Mama Lockwood’s sudden sense of immediacy here. 

Aside from that, the acting in this scene was just really, really, ridiculously, bad . . . Yeah, I went there.

Meanwhile, back at the picnic, with the people we ACTUALLY care about . . .

Blabbermouth Stefan Spills Yet Another One of Damon’s Secrets (SURPRISE!)

“Hey Elena!  It looks like it’s time for our Regularly Scheduled Moody, Yet Loving, Public Display of Affection.”

I’m going to say something here that might surprise you, given the DIEHARD Delena-ite I am.  As much as it bugs me that Stefan is COMPLETELY INCAPABLE of keeping ANY secrets whatsoever, I’m actually REALLY HAPPY that he ended up telling Elena about THIS secret. 

I know, crazy, right?

For one thing, it led to all the SUPER YUMMY Delena moments we were treated to, toward the end of the episode. 

The Delena ship has SET SAIL for Season 3!  And it’s going FULL STEAM AHEAD!

For another, I just feel like Elena had the right to know that one of the people she cares about most in the world was dying. Sure, as Damon gently brought up to Stefan, Elena ha certainly been through enough in her life these past few weeks, that she doesn’t need to mourn another loss right now.  But, honestly, if Damon died without Elena having made things right with him, I don’t think she ever would have forgiven herself for the cold way she treated him, at the beginning of the episode. 

“I had Damon in a BEDROOM  . . . in my HOUSE . . . and I turned him AWAY.  I am SUCH A FRIGGIN MORON!”

You can tell that this is the case, by the shocked, tearful, and genuinely heartbroken look on Elena’s face, when she first learns of Damon’s illness.  In some ways, Elena feels this diagnosis more than Stefan, because, unlike him, SHE witnessed it first hand with Rose.  (And where were YOU then, Mr. Salvatore?  Hanging out with EVIL ISOBEL, I presume!  Just sayin . . .) 

Also, given everything that’s gone down between Damon and Stefan, these past few episodes, the fact that Stefan actually ENCOURAGED Elena to go “comfort” Damon in his hour of need and give him hours and hours of hot Pre-Death Sex “hope,” was either the most generous thing he could have done, or the stupidest . . . I haven’t decided which, yet.  It made me VERY happy, though . . .

And yet, that happiness quickly sours, when we return to the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, and learn that, Damon’s condition has already rapidly deteriorated.  Time is clearly running out for him . . .

Doppelganger Hijinks, a Super Sexy Hallucination, and the Possibility of a Twin Threesome.  (Now, that’s MY KIND OF SCENE!)

“I assume you’ve both been tested for STDs.  I really can’t afford another case of crabs painful disease.”

If you recall from “The Descent,” as Rose’s condition worsened, she broke further, and further from reality, repeatedly mistaking Elena from Katherine, and then attacking the poor innocent human, like the FREAKSHOW she was. 

Those of us who were concerned that Damon would end up doing the same thing, needn’t have worried.  Because unlike Rose, who HATED Katherine, Damon luuuuved her .  . well, at least he did in 1864.  So, when Damon starts hallucinating, it comes off less like a frightening psychotic episode, and more like free porn / a therapy session. 

Most of us had always assumed that Damon became a Civil War Deserter, back in 1864, because he disliked the regimented living of being in the army, and wasn’t comfortable with all the Yankee killing he’d have to do . . .

But, as it turns out, Damon’s reasons for going AWOL may have been a lot more simplistic than that. Back in 1864, we see that now-familiar sweetly polite, and almost tentative Damon, approach Katherine in her bedroom, as she “struggles” to undo her corset.  (AGAIN with the “Can you help me get naked routine?”  Seriously?  You would think that after all these years, girlfriend would have finally learned some new material . . .)

That being said, I must admit I was still turned on by the way Damon leaned in toward Katherine, gently massaging her shoulders and softly blowing on her neck, as she relaxed against him.  We hear Katherine actually TELL Damon that she loves BOTH him and Stefan, and that she can’t bear the thought of him leaving for war . . .

Then, his conscience, Elena, magically appears . . .

“Why can’t you remove MY clothing like that?”

“Elena” forces Damon– who had always laid the blame for what happened to him on Katherine (for manipulating his affections), and Stefan (for “forcing” him to go vamp) — to recognize the fact that he ultimately made the decisions that sealed his fate.  Knowing that Katherine was simultaneously making a play for BOTH Damon and Stefan, Damon STILL chose to defect from the Civil War, in order to be with her.  And it was that FIRST mistake Damon made, that ultimately led to everything that came after it . . .

It’s a profoundly enlightening moment for Damon.  It’s just too bad he has to be DYING OF WERE RABIES to experience it!

Speaking of that manipulative hot mess, Katherine, she’s still “stuck” at Alaric’s house, raiding his liquor cabinet, having been compelled by the still-living Klaus to stay there until “further notice.”

No wonder Alchy-Ric has to spend all his time alone at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls!  He’s probably completely out of booze, by now!

Oh my god, you killed Elijah!  (You BASTARD!)

“Again?  Seriously?  I’m getting too old for this sh*t!”

So, I thought Elijah was supposed to be this Big Bad Ass!  Since when did he become the TVD version of Kenny from South Park?  Seriously, this is Elijah’s THIRD staking, in HOW many episodes?  Dude oughta seriously consider upping his accident insurance premiums!

“Fear me, for I am the Grim Reaper . . . of myself.”

When Stefan arrives at Alaric’s apartment (I guess Alaric must have invited him in, at some point?), Katherine is WAY pissed about this whole “still being under compulsion” thing.  But she’s not too pissed to give her ex-boyfriend an old Wall Slam for old time’s sake . . .

This Moment is interrupted by the return of Klaus and Elijah.  Not having time for pleasantries, Stefan wants Klaus to give him the cure for Damon’s were bite, but Klaus has “other matters” to tend to first.  Remember how Klaus promised Elijah he would “reunite him with his family”?  And remember how Klaus STAKED HIS ENTIRE FAMILY?  Yeah, Elijah may be hot, but apparently, he’s not a real whiz when it comes to reading comprehension.  So, of course, Klaus STAKES HIS OWN BROTHER, just as Elijah SHOULD have staked Klaus last week, but couldn’t.

Now, I’d mourn Elijah’s death, if I hadn’t already done so twice before.  Rest assured folks, this guy will LIVE to DIE AGAIN!  No wonder Katherine looked so completely BORED, during the staking . . .

“Things I’d rather be doing than watching Klaus stake Elijah:

(1) wall sex with Stefan

(2) floor sex with Damon

(3) freaky Doppelganger sex with Elena

(4) drunken couch sex with Alaric

(5) dancing

(6) washing my hair

(7) cleaning Alaric’s skanky man cave bathroom with a toothbrush”

Now, Katherine might be bored to tears, but Stefan is frightened / grudgingly impressed with his nemesis.  And Klaus, well, Klaus is just plain turned on.  He starts leering at Stefan and getting all up in his personal space, like he wants to eat the vamp’s weiner for lunch.

“So, Stefan, tell me.  What’s your sign?”

Then, Klaus stakes Stefan somewhere in the vicinity of his heart.  But, honestly, I feel like the gesture was more of a ploy to get the sexy ab-tastic vampire to lean into him, so Klaus could whisper sweet nothings in his ear. 

Klaus-y LIKE!

I mean, Joseph Morgan was literally WHISPERING CREEPILY the entire episode.  I don’t know how he did it for so long, without losing his voice entirely.  I mean, that’s impressive!

Now, it’s Katherine’s turn to kick up the energy a notch.  “He’s just trying to save his brother,” Katherine pleads, a look of concern in her eyes.  (Awww!  She might actually really CARE!  Who knew?)  But STEFAN, who’s still got a BIG FAT STAKE in his CHEST, seems unimpressed by Klaus’s bizarre S&M attempts to hit on him.  “Yeah, whatever, drag that stake around my innards.  I’ve been here before,” Stefan seems to be saying, “Just tell me how to save Damon.”

But then . . . Stefan utters three words that he will probably live to regret for the remainder of the Third Season, “I’ll . . . Do . . . Anything . .  .”

“Anything?”

Oh, Steffy, you are in TROUBLE NOW!

Speaking of trouble . . .

Team Bad Ass:  Reunited and it feels so . . . (Wait, what just happened?)

“Trap me in your house, and allow my girlfriend to die?  No biggie!  Turn my wife into a vampire?  That’s OK!  Call me, Elena, and try to compel me to KILL my favorite drinking buddy?  You are so going to PAY for that one, Damon!”

You know, with all the SERIOUS bonding we’ve experienced between Damon and Alaric during the course of the past two seasons, it’s easy to forget that these two guys HATED eachother, when they first met.  Actually . . . Alaric hated DAMON, for what Damon did to his wife.  And Damon . . . well . . . he didn’t really give two craps about Alaric . . .

But things have changed now.  And when Alaric comes to visit Damon at the Correctional Institution for Wayward Vampires, the bromantic chemistry between the two is palpable.  Having maintained a false sense of strength and bravado in front of Elena and Stefan, to protect their psyches, it’s ALARIC to whom Damon finally admits just how much pain he’s in.  “Do I look awful?  Because I feel ten times worse,” groans Damon.

In return for his honesty, Alaric rewards Damon with just what he needs, his Sunscreen Ring (a poignant reminder of Damon’s suicide attempt from earlier in the episode), and, of course, a shot of Bourbon.  Unfortunately, for Alaric, Damon still seems intent on dying.  And if he can’t do it by “meeting the sun,” he’s going to try to accomplish it another way.  First, he taunts Alaric, by playing the “Dead Girlfriend” card.

“You probably want to kill me.  It’s my fault Jenna is dead,” Damon offers.

Useless Aunt Jenna strikes again .  . .

“I don’t blame you for what happened to Jenna,” Alaric replies (But the pain in his eyes, tells a bit of a different story).

Damon then brings up Isobel, which affects Alaric even more.  But still, no Death Card for Damon.  “We are not drunk enough to be having this conversation,” suggests Alaric.  (Translation:  LET”S GET DRUNKER!)

Source

But Damon has more tricks up his sleeve.  He aggressively lunges at Alaric through the bars, hoping that it will anger Alaric enough to get a response.  It does, and Alaric grabs Damon by his neck, through the metal bars.  Desperate and in pain, Damon attempts to lock eyes with Alaric and compel his friend to kill him. 

Seeing Damon so weak, and so willing to die, is hard to watch for us fans.  So, it must be TORTURE for Alaric.  Plus, Alaric’s also a little pissed about the whole Compulsion / Suicide by Proxy thing.  So, we can’t really blame Alaric for stabbing Damon roughly in the shoulder with his pocket knife.

 “I wasn’t expecting THAT!”

“Screw YOU, Damon!” A hurt Alaric replies, as Damon groans and drops to the floor. 

Then something interesting happens.  We see Elena rushing toward La Casa de Rich and Awesome.  And, as if sensing her presence, Damon calls out her name.  “Elena’s not here, Damon,” Alaric replies to a prone on the floor Damon, who is desperately begging for blood.  Except SHE IS!


Lizard Forbes gets taken DOWN!  (BOOYAH!)  But lives to tell the tale.  (LAME!)

“Umm . . . do you have a search warrant, Missy?”

You know how vampires can’t enter a house, unless they’ve explicitly been invited inside?  Don’t you wish they had something like that to keep out annoying bumbling cops?  Damon does!  Seconds before Elena can open the front door to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Lizard grabs her and pulls her aside.  She has ILLEGAL business to finish. 

So, Lizard and her NEW police boy (because Caroline ATE the old one) barge into Damon’s place, pass by Alaric in the cellar, and STUPIDLY lock themselves inside the room with the were-bitten Damon. 

Once, on the floor, and half dead, Damon is, suddenly, miraculously alive, well, and able to CRUSH LIZARD FORBES INTO THE WALL!

“Hi Liz,” Damon says, conversationally.

“Bye Liz,” I say . . . hopefully.

Then, because DUMB ASS KEYSTONE COP LIZARD OPENED THE DOOR TO HIS CELL, Were Rabies Damon escapes to find Elena, just as Were Rabies Rose escaped to . . . eat random people . . . in The Descent.  Alaric calls Jeremy hoping that he’s with Elena, and warning him to be on the lookout.  Of course, WE KNOW that Elena is RIGHT OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

Concerned for the health of both his sister and Damon, Jeremy leaves the picnic (where, all of the sudden, it’s night time, and pitch dark outside?  When did that happen?) to go find them.  Bonnie . .  . being Bonnie . . . suggests that Jeremy just let Damon die and /or possibly hurt Elena in a were-rabies rage.  REALLY BONNIE?  After all Elena sacrificed to keep YOU alive?

“What . . . the . . . f*ck?”

So, of course, I was REALLY happy, when Jeremy finally grew some balls, and called Bonnie out for repeatedly trying to neuter him and keep him out of trouble.  She continues to do this, even though, despite her best efforts, Jeremy seems to keep ending up in danger ANYWAY, and his friends and family just keep on croaking.

“You TELL HER, Sexy Jer!”

Then again, considering what ends up happening to JEREMY next, Judgy, Boyfriend-Neutering Bonnie may have actually been right . . . THIS TIME.

“Gotta Love Mother Nature!”

Source

Oh, man!  Will you two just get a room already!  Just by watching you two on my television screen hitting on eachother like you are, I am at risk for pregnancy . . .

Interesting point of fact:  Klaus has been stalking Stefan for decades.  He’s taken a REAL interest in the younger Salvatore Brother.  Apparently, Stefan has sexual talents that Klaus finds erotic useful.  Apparently, at some point in 1917, Stefan MURDERED AN ENTIRE VILLAGE OF INNOCENT HUMANS, just because he COULD . . .

Well, Damon may not have killed an entire village, but he’s screwed an entire sorority!  And that’s gotta count for something!

Klaus’ “little anecdote” about Stefan’s past, actually raises a continuity issue for me.  Remember “Crying Wolf,” where Stefan told this story about how he was this Big Bad Vampire for like three days in 1864?  But then he found Lexi . ..  who taught him about the importance of LOVE . . .  so, he “went clean?”

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Well . . . either LOVE and Lexi couldn’t keep Stefan from having a few bloodaholic relapses, between now, and present day, or the TVD writers up and changed their mind about how pervasive Dark Stefan was in the proverbial history books . . .  Either way, this is canon now. 

Bloodaholic Stefan is apparently Klaus’ HERO!  And Klaus would very much like Dark Stefan on Team Evil Were-Vamp.  (After all, the “death” of Elijah, has provided a recent opening for the position.)

Just to show he’s serious, Klaus WERE-BITES Katherine, and then feeds her his blood, promptly curing the werewolf bite, as if it was never there.  “You wanted a cure, there it is.  I’m your cure.  Gotta love Mother Nature,” Klaus coos, clearly impressed with himself.

That’s all well and good.  But, of course, the question is NOT what Klaus can do for you, Stefan, but what YOU can do for Klaus.

Source

Stefan Salvatore:  Sex Slave Extraordinaire

You SHOT JEREMY!  YOU LIZARD!

Source

“Nice one, Lizard!  Maybe you should have had MATT DONOVAN do your shooting for you!  At least HE knows how to use a gun!  Loser!”

(Wow .  . . Lizard made me so mad that she got me to say something sort of NICE about Matt . . . Weird.)

So Damon is wandering about Mystic Falls, hacking and coughing all over innocent bystanders.  (I hope were-rabies isn’t contagious!)  Jeremy finds him, and carries the poor sickly bastard to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  (How appropriate!) Meanwhile, Elena confronts Lizard at the police station.  But the Lizard tries to keep Elena “safe” at the station, while she heads off to save the world from rabid vampires Jeremy.  So, Elena, who’s become SUPER KICK ASS this season, takes matters into her own hands. 

Free Elena!  (Public property be DAMNED!)

Things start happening pretty fast at this point.  Lizard rushes the bar, and sees Jeremy carrying a sickly Damon.  So Lizard, being the “careful” and “well trained” cop she is, just randomly fires out at the duo, as Damon rushes forward.  She hits JEREMY, and he falls to the floor!

Jeremy is wearing his RING OF IMMORTALITY, but it doesn’t work, because the b*tch who shot him is a sorry excuse for a  human!

Then Caroline and Bonnie rush forward.  And Caroline attempts to feed Jeremy her blood, which, if he was still partially alive, would make him a vampire, but at least keep him from final death.  But Jeremy doesn’t drink the blood, because he is already DEAD-DEAD!

But WAIT . . . here comes BONNIE and her NOSEBLEEDS! 

After convincing Lizard to let Alaric move Jeremy’s body out of the “crime scene,” (SERIOUSLY?  Now, is when she decides to be a stickler for the rules?)  Bonnie emotionally evokes the witchy spirits for the 80,00oth time this season.  They are tired hearing her yap.  And, maybe it’s just me, but I think they are out for revenge.  So, when Bonnie tells Emily, how much she LOOOOOOOOVES Jeremy and NEEEEDS him to be alive, Emily and the Team Witch grant her wish.  Jeremy gets to live . . .

Bonnie genuinely smiles and laughs for the first time . . . I think since the pilot episode.  She strokes Jeremy’s forehead, as he comes back to life, and for exactly two seconds I am Jonnie fan.

Tyler is pleased . . . (See Cherie, I make random Tyler references too!)

Oh, but before you get too excited, Jonnie fans . .  . There’s a catch. 😉

Shortly thereafter . . .

“Don’t hate me, because I’m a vampire.  I don’t hate YOU because you are an Evil Lizard!”

Lizard is relieved when Caroline informs her that Jeremy is not-so-much dead anymore.  (No thanks to LIZARD!)  Caroline finally comes clean to her mother, about the fact that she’s an out-and-proud vampire, but that doesn’t make her a bad person like her mother.  Caroline explains to Lizard, that she used to be afraid of her because the woman can’t SHOOT FOR SH*T.  And that’s why she compelled her to forget all those Supernatural Cliff Notes she gave her, a few episodes back. 

But Caroline isn’t afraid of Lizard anymore.  “And you shouldn’t be afraid of me either, Mom,” explains Caroline.  “I’m still your little girl.”

Lizard and Caroline share a good cry, and hug one another. 

Source

And I’m happy for Caroline that she doesn’t have to live in secret anymore, or worry that her mom is going to shoot her in her sleep.  (Though, let’s face it, if Lizard TRIED to shoot Caroline, she’d probably miss and end up shooting herself.  WIN!  WIN!)  But I can’t soften my stance on the woman who SHOT JEREMY, schemed against her own daughter, and tried to “sell her up the river,” because of a transformation that happened TO HER, one over which she, unlike Damon, had no control, or choice.  That’s just how I roll . . .

I guess, when it comes to Lizard Forbes, for me, anyway, old habits die hard.  Speaking of old habits . . .

“Thank you, sir!  May I have another!”

You KNOW a drink is tasty, when drinking it causes you to cross your eyes in ecstasy!

So, Klaus finally reveals his GRAND PLANS for Stefan: a life spent in servitude and wingman-dom.  But Klaus doesn’t want GOOD Stefan frolicking in the forest with him.  He’d much prefer Dark Stefan.  (Because, let’s face it, Dark Stefan is WAY sexier!) 

Initially, Stefan declines the offer.  But, because he really wants to save Damon, he ultimately relents.  I mean, how bad could it be drinking a teensy bit of blood?  After all, Stefan has built up a tolerance, right?

WRONG!  All of the sudden Alaric’s house, appropriately enough, becomes a BINGE DRINKING FRAT PARTY NIGHTMARE, with Klaus naughtily egging Stefan on, as he chugs, blood bag, after blood bag.  Stefan’s eyes  aregetting shiftier and shiftier, as the drinks keep on coming.  You can almost feel Good Stefan slipping away, and Dark Stefan taking his place.  After all, we all know what happened the LAST time Stefan went on a bender like this . . .

Once Stefan has satisfied Klaus’ Fraternity Hazing Ritual, and has agreed to follow the Original Douche into EVIL ETERNITY, Klaus relents and gives up a vial of his blood to cure Damon.  The catch?  He gives it to KATHERINE, who he finally frees from the captivity of Alaric’s house to dispense the cure.  The problem of course, is that there is no guarantee that Katherine will get there in time, or, if left to her own devices, she will get there AT ALL . . .

Will Damon end up regretting these words?

Damon Salvatore might not be the only person who wishes he had bitten his tongue.  (Or, at least, attached a headset to his computer, before Skyping with his girlfriend).

“And the Day after that . .  . And the Day after that . . .”

Source

So . . . remember back during the first Season, when Jeremy used to do emo, Bella Swan-esque, things, like look up “vampires” on the internet?

“I want to find out about vampires, and all I get are badly photoshopped naked pictures of Robert Pattinson.  What gives, man?”

Do you also remember that AWFULLY cheesy scene at the end of “The Last Dance,” where Jeremy brought his computer down to Bonnie’s fake grave,so that she and Elena could Skype?  Well, today, TVD brilliantly decided to self-reference it’s own cheesiness TWICE in one single scene, by (1) having Jeremy do a Bing search for, cleverly enough “back from the dead.”  While he is doing THIS (2) Bonnie interrupts him on Skype to ask him “How he’s feeling?”

“I feel like I’ve been shot in the chest by a Lizard, and brought back to life, by a vampire, an alcoholic and a witch.  But, other than that, just peachy!”

Jeremy, never one for big speeches, can’t express enough gratitude to his girlfriend for giving up so many pints of snot and noseblood on his behalf.  “Oh, that’s OK,” coos Bonnie, in a very un-Bonnielike way.  “You can thank me tomorrow . . . and the day after that . . . and the day after that . . .”

Then Alaric magically appears, with a little smirk on his face, that only Alaric can make.  He’s planning to go home, but something (like the fact that Jeremy is a MINOR, who is constantly getting KILLED and beaten up) convinces him to stick around.  Marble Mouth Jeremy doesn’t know how to thank ALARIC for being his new Drunken, but still awesome, Dad either.  “That’s OK,” Alaric coos, hilariously.  “You can thank me tomorrow .  . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that.”

I love how Alaric came back to the door, to give Jeremy one final “and the day after that,” even AFTER Jeremy threw a pillow at his head.  Now, that’s a Fun Daddy!  Happy Early Father’s Day, Alaric!

But Alaric’s not only going to have to assume a parental role over Jeremy.  There is also Elena to consider.  And ELENA might be in a bit of trouble . . . HEART trouble that is! 😉

Elena Rescues Damon . . . and his LIPS!

Source

There are no words to describe how happy this image makes me!

We see Elena rushing out into the Mystic Falls movie-watching crowd, when she hears a voice behind her.  It’s Damon.  He calls out to her.  And she grabs a hold of him, fully prepared to hide him from the Lizard she assumes is still on his warpath .  . .

The problem is that Damon is losing his grip on reality.  As a result, he is remembering the day he made the choice he would spend an eternity regretting.  This, of course, was the day he decided to drink Katherine’s blood.  This way, when he died, he could become a vampire and (so he thought) be with her forever.

Immortality, here I come!

Though Damon had always assured Stefan that, unlike with HIM, Katherine NEVER compelled Damon, there was always a part of the fan contingency, who inferred that, because we had SEEN Katherine compel Damon at least once, that she had sneakily fed him blood as well.  But this was not the case.  In fact, Katherine explicitly required that Damon make the CHOICE to become a vampire.  “If you want my blood, you have to take it,” she said, seductively pointing at her neck.

Meanwhile, back in the REAL WORLD, THIS is happening . . .

“You don’t have to do this, Damon!”  Elena yelps, helplessly, as a delirious Damon clutches her shoulders and learns toward her neck.

It is almost as if Elena is speaking to 1864 Damon, and forcing him to take responsibility for his actions, all those years ago.  But Damon is too far gone to realize what is happening.  At this point, he doesn’t see Elena at all . . . only Katherine.  “I choose YOU, Katherine,” Damon says, eerily echoing the words he said to Elena, back in “The Last Dance.”

And then, he leans forward and BITES ELENA, just as he bit Katherine in the past.  The minute that blood hit Damon’s system, back in 1864, his fate was already sealed.  It’s Elena’s cries of anguish that ultimately bring Damon back to himself.

Realizing what he has done to the woman he loves, causes Damon so much internal pain, that he falls to the ground in anguish.  Still clutching her now-bloody neck, Elena helps Damon up and carries him back to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, just as he did for HER last week .  . .

Back in Damon’s bedroom . . . (We always end up back there, don’t we? ;)), Elena comforts Damon during what she believes will be the last moments of his life, just as Damon comforted Rose during HERS.  Damon tells Elena that he recognizes that the choices he made during his life, have brought him to this moment in bed, being cuddled by Elena!!!.  He realizes that it was HIS OWN choices that led to him becoming a vampire, and “going bad” for a period of time.  Katherine didn’t do this to him, nor did Stefan.  

Damon looks up at Elena with wide innocent eyes, and tells her to tell Stefan he is sorry.  Elena doesn’t mince words with Damon, by telling him that he can apologize to Stefan in person, because he is going to live.  She just tearfully nods, and hugs Damon ever closer to her, stroking his head calmingly, as he slowly slips out of consciousness.

Source

But of course, of all of the Delena exchanges that came out of this episode, it was THIS ONE, in which Damon FINALLY told Elena that he loved her AGAIN, and DID NOT COMPEL HER TO FORGET IT, that made me squeal like the crazy fangirl I am.

Two things I’ve been waiting to see ALL SEASON, and they BOTH happened in this one exchange!  (Number 1) I’ve always wanted to hear Elena tell Damon, that she loves and accepts him for exactly who he is . . . flaws and all.  In all the time Elena has known Damon, she has NEVER admitted this to him.  Always, Elena told Damon that he had “goodness” in him, that he wasn’t showing . . . that he “didn’t have to be this way” .  .  and that he should, “be the better man.” 

But when push came to shove, and Damon suggested that she would like him better in 1864, back when he was more like Stefan, she explicitly denied that this was the case.  “I like you just the way you are,” she told him.

Hear THAT?  She LOOOOOOVEEEEESSS likes him JUST THE WAY HE IS!  Awww yeah! 

And I think it was that admission on Elena’s part that finally gave Damon the courage to admit that he loved her.  (And THERE’S NUMBER 2!)  Just like his first admission, this one was completely unselfish.  Damon wasn’t trying to get Elena to STOP loving Stefan, or to NOT choose Stefan.  He merely felt that Elena had the right to know that someone she cared deeply about loved her more than life itself. 

So, of course, that prompted Elena to PLANT A NICE WET KISS ON DAMON’S SEXY WET LIPS!

This was the REAL DEAL . . . the Delena kiss we’ve been waiting for ever since the FAKE one that Katherine, posing as Elena, planted on Damon, in the final moments of the Season 1 Finale.  And a lot of naysayers called it a Pity Kiss.  But I call them WRONG! 

You know how I KNOW it wasn’t a pity kiss?  Because Damon was UNCONSCIOUS, when she started it!  Yes, boys and girls, Elena wanted to kiss Damon, EVEN IF HE WASN’T AWAKE FOR IT!  Such are her feelings of tenderness toward this vampire. 

Of course, Damon DID awaken during that kiss.  And he accepted it with a slight, but sweet, pucker of his own lips, and a smile on his face.  “Thank you,” Damon said to Elena, perhaps, wondering himself, whether this was a Pity Kiss.  But we, of course,  know better.  😉

And, as it turns out, so does Katherine, who arrived at just that moment with the WERE-BITE CURE!

Source

Elena — who looks a bit nonplussed at being caught in such a compromising position by Katherine, of all people — moves quickly from the bed, to let her Doppelganger to “her thang.”  (Note:  Elena is also probably wondering who actually invited Katherine IN to the house.  After all, it’s changed ownership, since Katherine last resided there.  No matter.  What’s a little continuity amongst hot friends?  Right?)

The fact that Katherine came to “rescue” Damon, of her own free will, does not go unnoticed by Damon.  “You got free .  . . and you still came,” remarks the vampire, as he gratefully sips Klaus’ blood.

“I owed you one,” replied Katherine. 

But Katherine’s not exactly a Gal of Honor.  So, we have to figure she actually cared enough about Damon’s life to rescue him.  Who knows?  Maybe there’s a little soul in that gal yet?

Speaking of souls?  Elena’s wondering about Stefan’s.  Kat showed herself to be a Delena fan at heart when she uttered, THIS classic line . . .

Source

Just as Alaric DIDN’T miss that cheeseball Skype exchange between Jeremy and Bonnie, Katherine CLEARLY did not miss the intense looks shared by Damon and Elena on Damon’s BED, when she arrived.  Katherine fills Damon and Elena in on Stefan’s deal with Klaus, making sure to add insult to injury, by telling Elena, “He sacrificed everything to save his brother . . . even you.”

Ever the hopeful one, Elena texts Stefan to tell him that Damon is OK.  But Stefan is occupied by his Homoerotic Chugging Olympics with Klaus, and is nonresponsive.  “At least you have Damon, now,” Kat notes.  (TRUE!  THAT’S TRUE!  THANKS KAT!  YOU”RE THE BEST DELENA FAN EVER!)

But Kat’s not done spreading “joy” and advice to Elena .  . .

Source

Astute TVD fans will recall that THIS was the line that ROSE was supposed to utter to Elena, back when SHE was dying of Were Rabies during “The Descent.”  At the time, us Delena fans were ANNOYED that this excellent line was removed from the script.  Of course, now that I think about it, it makes A LOT more sense coming from Katherine.  Good CHOICE, TVD WRITERS!

Delena Happiness aside, Damon and Elena look EXTREMELY CONCERNED for Stefan’s well being after Katherine exits the bedroom stage left.  And, as it turns out, they have good reason to be frightened for his SOUL . . .

History Repeating

I wonder if Elijah needed a mortitian, or if his suit came perfectly pressed, and hair perfectly coiffed from the floor to the grave . . Knowing Elijah, I suspect the latter.

After Klaus creepily instructs one of his minions to store Elijah “with the OTHERS,” he turns his attention back to his Super Man Crush Stefan.  It seems Stefan is DONE with Mystic Falls, and wants to get this whole Eternity as Klaus’ Sex Slave thing over with.  But there’s one problem, Stefan while significantly DARKER than he was about 10 blood bags ago, is not DARK ENOUGH for Klaus’ taste.  For that, Stefan needs to consume HUMAN BLOOD . .  . RIGHT FROM THE HUMAN.

Source

In a move that is OBVIOUSLY meant to be symbolic of the moment when Stefan ultimately enticed Damon to drink human blood, thereby completing his vampire transition (Stalker much, Klaus?), Klaus offers Stefan a HUMAN SACRIFICE of sorts, symbolizing his completion of the transition from Good Stefan to Dark Stefan.  (Of course, it’s female.  The only male Klaus wants Stefan to bite is KLAUS, if you catch my drift.) 

Unable to resist any longer, Stefan willingly accepts the Sacrifice, and bites into her, as if she’s a yummy piece of chocolate.  The chewing sounds he makes when he does this, are, admittedly pretty gross.  (Hasn’t anybody ever taught you to chew human’s with your mouth closed Stefan?)  The scene ends with Stefan and Klaus hungrily eye f*&king as only two Bad Ass Vampires of Questionable Sexual Preference can . ..

Speaking of the promise of FUTURE SEXUAL ACTIVITY . . .

Jeremy Sees Dead People . . . and Immediately Wants to Sex with Them

Steven R. McQueen:  “Best . . . future storyline . . . EVER!”

Remember when I told you that there was a CATCH for Bonnie to be able to bring Jeremy back from the dead.  Well . .  . here it comes . . . In a moment that EITHER harkens back to that AWESOME Bruce Willis / Haley Joe Osment movie, “The Sixth Sense” . . .

“I see dead hot chicks.”

 . . . or that AWFUL Matt McMconauhey Movie, “Ghosts of Girlfriends’ Past” . . .

 . .  . Jeremy senses EYES on him, while he’s sleeping, and tiptoes downstairs to investigate.  Creepily enough, us viewers notice that he is being FOLLOWED . . .

Source

I’ll admit this scene made me jump.  And, of course, WHO COULD HAVE POSSIBLY expected the Season 2 finale of TVD to truly end with Jeremy confronted on ONE SIDE, by his Dead Vampire Girlfriend Anna, and on the OTHER SIDE, his OTHER Dead Vampire Girlfriend Vicki?  We can suspect that their presence was brought on by Bonnie’s spell.  Namely, to get Bonnie back for overusing their powers, the witches decided to test Bonnie’s LOVE for Jeremy, by bringing back his FIRST two loves. 

The question though . . . is what ARE THEY?   Are they ghosts?  Humans, brought back from the dead, like Jeremy?  Vampires?  Zombie?  Hallucinations?  Of course, whatever they are, the possibilities for these fan favorite characters’ return are ENDLESS.  For example,  will we get to see more Jeremy and Anna hand-gasming, for example?

Or (all fingers crossed) another Damon/ Vicki Dance?

Something tells me that Elena is not going to let this one happen again.  And, as much as I LOVE this scene, I love Delena MORE!

And what about BONNIE?  What is she going to say about this tomorrow . . . and the day after that .  . . and the day after that . . .

Die, VAMPIRE BOYFRIEND STEALING ZOMBIES!

I suspect we will all have to wait until September to find out the answer to these BURNING questions.  If I SURVIVE that long!  A world without TVD is not a world I want to live in, that’s for sure!

I need a HUG, fellow fangirls and fanboys!

P.S.  Hi gang!  You may notice that the bottom of this post says, Comments are Closed.  I didn’t do this.  And I’m not sure how it happened.  But it’s not intentional, I promise you!  If you’d like to comment, before I get this issue fixed, please feel free to leave your comment on the blog entry following this one, relating to the TVD finale liveblog.   I will definitely respond to you, from there.  Sorry for any inconvenice or confusion this may have caused you! 😦

[www.juliekushner.com] [Fangirls Forever]

Comments Off on Love Means Never Having to Say, “I Drank Your Blood” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ Season 2 Finale “As I Lay Dying”

Filed under The Vampire Diaries