Tag Archives: 3.14

The “Save Elena” Games . . . – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “All My Children”

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Greetings, Fangbangers!  It was Original versus Salvatores versus Witches, this week on TVD.  And though the various sides were fighting with one another for any number of reasons: love,  honor, retribution, redemption, natural balance intestinal regularity,  freedom, etc. . . . at the heart of it all, was one girl.  She was the trophy . . . the badge of honor . . . the prize at the bottom of the cereal box.  And that girl, of course, was  . . . Elena Gilbert.  Isn’ it always?

So make yourself a salt pentagram, douse yourself in gasoline, and throw some horse pictures in the fire, because it’s time for another installment of The Save Elena Games  TVD-cap . . .

Figuratively (and literally) Fondling Damon Salvatore . . .

The episode begins with a sexually frustrated Elena waking up alone in bed, her arms drawn tightly around a certain teddy bear.  Hmmm . . .  that teddy bear looks very familiar.  Where have I seen it before?

Ahhh . . . it’s all starting to come together now. 😉  Having not had anyone declare their love for her in the past six hours, Elena is feeling mighty lonely.  And so she calls her men for a little love and affection.

“Worship at my altar, vampire b*tches!’

Stefan is too busy writing in his diary to pick up his phone.   And while Damon does pickup Elena’s tenth call of the night (Oh sweetie!  We all know you love him, but you should really try playing a little harder to get. ;)), he only does it, so that he can tell her he’s “over it,” and hang up on her ass.

“No more phone sex for you, Buster!  (At least not until the next time I get drunk.)” 

Now . . . this wouldn’t have anything to do with that little “your love for me is a liability” comment Elena made last night, does it Damon?

Nahh  . . . I didn’t think so .  . .

Tired of not being totally and completely doted on by her Salvatore boy toys, Elena stomps over to La Casa de Rich and Awesome, only to be greeted by a mostly naked Damon Salvatore (yay) . . . and guest (boo).

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“Oh hey, Elena!  You’ve met my good friend, Jealousy, right?”

Count on Elena to give Damon a self-righteous lecture for his extra-curricular activities.  She even goes as far as to ask whether her lover has been compelled to sleep around.  Far from being angry, Damon looks rather pleased with himself.  And why shouldn’t he be?  After all, Elena is clearly falling right into his little love trap.  Come to think of it, he should have done this a long time ago . . .

But this little morning meeting is about more than sexual politics, Elena wants to fill Damon in on Mommy Witch’s plan to murder the entire Original Brood.  Elena thinks this is a problem, mainly because of the awesomeness that is Original Elijah.

She also conjectures that Damon, having had a taste of the forbidden fruit that is Rebekah, might actually give a flying fig whether she lives or dies.  As it turns out?  Not so much . .

“There’s more where she came from!”

You know who else has tasted Rebekah, but doesn’t seem to care about her continued existence on Planet Elena?  Stefan.

(Poor girl . . . she’s had thousands of years on Earth to practice.   And still, her sex skills are apparently not up to snuff.)

 At least you’ll always have eachother . . . *clears throat*

The younger Salvatore Brother appears, seemingly out of nowhere, to join Damon’s chorus of “Just let the Originals die, already.”

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Outnumbered and outwitted, a pouty Elena stomps off, now even more sexually frustrated than ever  . . .

As for Damon, he’s ready to offer his brother a bromantic high five for a job very well done.  “I like you on my team,” he say congenially.

But Stefan’s never been much of a “Team Player.”  It simply isn’t in his broody, loner, eternally angsty nature.  So, instead of high fiving,  Baby Salvatore just stares longingly at Damon’s blood cup, like he want to make out with it, and snidely echos Klaus’ sentiments that Elena would be much better off without both of them.

(Truth be told, I think Elena’s Teddy Bear would strongly disagree with this statement.  Thanks to the state in which our Salvatore Brothers left Elena the night before, it is now pregnant.)

Aside from wishing to live out the rest of his life as a celibate bunny muncher, Stefan is also concerned that Elena’s conscience will get the best of her, and cause her to eff up Mama Original’s kiddie killing plan.

What?  Elena?  Ruin plans?  NEVER!

Our brother the martyr . . . Our sister the strumpet . . .

Meanwhile, Rebekah and her sex hair have returned to the still-frighteningly unfurnished Originals house.  So, of course, every sibling wishes for a chance to get a dig in at her expense.  Kol, gets the first shot in, by very eloquently calling his sister a strumpet.  To this Rebekah responds that she wishes to systematically remove his teeth from his mouth   . . . which, in Original Vampire world, is likely a form of foreplay.

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Jealous that Rebekah is getting sex with someone other than him and he isn’t, Kol commandeers Klaus to go with him to the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, in hopes that he can remedy his little problem . . .

Klaus agrees, because . . . hey . . .why continue to draw pictures of Caroline with a horse, when, instead, you can ride her, like a philly?  But, of course, Kol isn’t quite done with Rebekah yet.  He still has THIS to say . . .

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 I’ve gotta say, I’m loving this guy’s sense of humor.  TVD writers, please somehow insert a scene into the show in which vampire comedians Kol and Damon face off against one another with a delicious round of “Yo Mama” jokes .  . . 😉

With Kol and Klaus out of the house,  Elijah confides in Rebekah that their mother has been acting weirder than usual .  . . Some of the weird things she’s been doing include conducting privacy spells in the house, and looking at her children, as if she wishes to chop off their heads and wear them as hats.  Rebekah sees nothing at all strange about this.  Then again, she’s probably still too busy nursing her war-torn vajayjay to worry about much of anything.

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Besides Rebekah wasn’t the one who had to suffer Elena lying to her face.  (At least, when Elena screwed over Rebekah, she did it in her back.)  So, Elijah decides to pay his pretty little liars a visit . . .

Tales of a Vampire Gigolo

Elena has invited Bonnie and Caroline over to listen to her b*tch about Damon having sex with other women.  You know, because his love for her is such a liability, and all . . .  Well played, Damon.  When it comes to turning on the object of your affection, screwing Rebekah seems to have been your most effective manuever since Miss Mystic Falls.  You can almost hear her panties falling, throughout the episode . . .

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Bonnie tries to conduct Mama Original’s privacy spell.  But clearly, she isn’t working hard enough at it because (1) it isn’t working; and (2) her nose isn’t bleeding.

That’s better!

Then, Elena finally manages to stop drooling over Damon long enough to hear about Bonnie’s and her mom’s little pact with the Original Witch  to kill all her kids that very night.   Ruh-roh!  Talk about burying the lead!

Both Bonnie and Caroline don’t seem to think it’s Elena’s fault that Elijah will be included in this bloodbath.  I disagree.  And then, like magic, the gentleman vampire himself appears at Elena’s front door . . .

“Are you there, Elena?  It’s me, Elijah!”

Ever the romantic, Elijah decides to take Elena for a little trip down memory lane.  (Silly Elijah, doesn’t he realize the way to get into Elena’s pants is by sleeping with his sister?)  As they travel through forests, trees, and various grassy knolls, Elijah is able to recount, from memory, all the things that used to exist in that very spot, once upon a time.  They stop at an opening to a cavern, which apparently has an intricate network of tunnels that run directly below Mystic Falls . . . in other words, the Perfect Makeout Spot.

This is where Elijah chooses to drop the bomb on Elena that he knew she was lying about Mama Original’s motives all along, due to her telltale rapid heartbeat.  But, of course, Elijah being Elijah even manages to make this accusation sound like a compliment, by peppering it with phrases like, “I admire you.”  and ‘You have compassion.” and “It is not in your nature to be deceitful.”

 “That’s not going to work!”

It works like a charm!

The next thing you know, Elena is a blubbering,  quivering mass of puddy in Elijah’s hands.  She confesses everything.  “I just wish there was something I could do,” Elena whines.

“Be careful what you wish for,” replies Elijah, before literally stamping out the ground beneath him, hugging Elena toward him, and traveling through the floor with her Reverse Superman Style.

One word: HOT!

The battle lines are drawn

While Elena tries in vain to get cell phone receptions, Damon calls Alchy-ric, who likely hasn’t left his seat at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, since last week, when he got out of the hospital, after that whole “death” thing.  He’s with Crazy Nanny Carrie, who never seems to mind that the only thing these two ever do on dates is get wasted.  (Clearly, she’s just as big of an alcoholic as he is . . .  perhaps, intoxication helps dull the crazy.)

The Bromantic Buddies exchange some much-deserved barbs with one another.  Alaric gives Damon a “hard” time about his Originals Sex, which, of course Elena told him about, because she tells Daddy everything. 😉

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Damon, in turn, notes that Alaric is still screwing a psychopath serial killer.  (Given what happens at the end of the episode, Damon probably should have been a bit more concerned about that.)  Of course, the Elder Salvatore Brother has bigger fish to fry, at this point.  His lady love is missing.  And Damon rightly suspects that foul play was involved.

Meanwhile, Bonnie and Abby have kept their date to meet with Mama Original, who’s just filled with syrupy compliments for the two witches who both almost maimed members of her family.  She also shares a bunch of hippy dippy philosophies about “restoring the balance of nature,” by using the direct descendants of Esther’s former bestie, Ayanna.  Through it all, Mommy’s golden child Finn continues to stare at the witches, as if they are lunch.  It’s all highly unpleasant.  But after last week, the Bennetts are so happy to have an actual plotline in this episode, that they keep their mouths shut.

“Just nod and smile, baby.  Just nod and smile.” 

Underground, Elena runs into Rebekah, who’s still rocking a major grudge, as a result of the whole “backstabbing” thing.  What’s nice about Rebekah is that she seems to be the only individual on the show, who’s completely immune to Elena’s charms.  After chasing her around the cavern, roughing her up a bit, and forcing her to make a humiliating “ransom video” on her cell phone (But how did she get reception?), Rebekah kindly explains to her captive, Elijah’s diabolical plan for her.  The plan?  Rebekah gets to murder Elena, if the Salvatores don’t find a way to stop the Originals from dying.

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Over at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Elijah explains the same thing to Stefan and Damon, who seem reluctantly amenable to Elijah’s requests.  Anything for Elena!  (Man, how many times has THIS happpened!  For folks who claim to want Klaus dead, the Salvatore brothers sure seem to like saving his life, a lot!)

Back in the tunnel, just to prove that she means business, Rebekah actually douses Elena with gasoline, when the latter holes herself up in a vampire-free section of the cavern.  Hurry up, Salvatores!  Or else, Baked Elena might end up on the dessert menu at the next Originals Family Ball!

Speaking of balls . . .

The Original Hybrid Pickup Artist

The plan of the day is to play “divide and conquer” with the Originals, so a non-vampire can dagger one.  Each participating Scooby Gang member gets a mark.  Caroline, of course,  gets Klaus.  But Kol clearly likes her too , and chooses to show it with construction worker-type cat calls.  Though, I guess  the words “She looks tasty,” have different connotations depending on whether a construction worker, or an original vampire are uttering them.

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Either way, Klaus isn’t cool with Kol leering at his Vampire Barbie.  “Say another word, and I’ll take your liver,” Klaus threatens.

First his teeth, now his liver.  I’m starting to think Kol is that guy laying on the operating table in the game “Operation.”  Everybody just takes what they want from him. (Personally, I’d go for the eyes and the lips.)

This is Kol . . . 

When Caroline gives chase, Klaus runs after her gamely.  *insert whipping sound*

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 “Get to know me, I dare you,” says Klaus, as the two get comfy on a park bench.

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But just because Caroline needs to keep Kol from Klaus, doesn’t mean she’s going to go easy on her mark.  In fact, when asked about her “hopes and dreams” (oh, Klaus, you really have been a bit out of practice, haven’t you?), she says this:

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Back in the bar,  Kol is busy trying to make it on top of the pool table with Crazy Nanny Carrie.  (Kol, here’s a hint for you . . . some meals are just not worth tasting.)  So, busy, in fact that he barely sees Alaric come at him with the white oak dagger in the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls.  It’s like a game of Clue!

All around Mystic Falls, Originals begin to drop undead .  . . except for Klaus . . . who just gets a stomach ache.  But I guess that kind of makes sense, since he’s the only Original who, as a result of his hybrid status, is immune to the white oak dagger.  Klaus’ Spidey Sibling Sense immediately tells him that Kol is hurt.  So, he abandons that Jezebel Siren Caroline, and rushes to intercept and de-dagger Kol, who’s currently being dragged away by Alaric and the Salvatores . . . though, honestly, I’m not sure they were all needed for this part of the plan.

A scuffle ensues, and Kol  is destaked in the process, thereby reanimating the rest of the Originals.  Alaric doesn’t fair quite as well, suffering a cracked rib, and major blow to the head.  He probably would have gotten much worse.  But Elijah has appeared to put an end to the fighting, and get everyone focused on the plan at hand.  i.e. “Stop Mommy Dearest, from eliminating us permanently, or Rebekah will have a lesbianic underground interlude with painfully disembowl Elena.

The Salvatore Brothers know exactly what they have to do . . .

Heads I win, Tails Bonnie loses . . .

Over in witchland, Mommy Original has fashioned a pretty little flaming pentagram out of salt.  The idea is for Finn to die in the middle of it,  while all the witches chant, and permanently erase the rest of the Originals.  (Honestly, I think it might all be for theatrics, especially considering how seemingly easy it was to “stake” all the Originals by staking Kol.)  Anywhoo, after a brief hiccup caused by Finn “acting” momentarily staked, the Dead Originals show is once again on . . .

Outside the festivities, Stefan and Damon are discussing how much they both love Elena, and are fighting over which one of them will “stop the spell” by “breaking the Original Witches’ connection to the Bennett line, by “breaking one of the Bennetts.”  Neither one wants to do it.

 

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But only because it would piss off Elena, and possibly, temporarily make her love the killer less, not because they give two flying figs about the Bennetts.  They actually do a coin toss to decide which brother will end up in the doghouse.  We don’t get to see who wins . . . yet.

Elijah and Klaus arrive at the Salt Pentagram, so that Original Mother can tell them in person what abominations she thinks they really are . . . even Elijah, who’s a better vampire than most people are humans.  But really, the Originals should be expecting this.  After all, on this show, if you do have a parent, that’s a good indicator that he or she is probably going to try and kill you at least once.  The best way to survive Mystic Falls is to be an orphan . . .like Elena . . . and the Salvatores.  Which reminds me, have we met Alaric’s parents yet?

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Inside the witch house, Stefan accosts a now-tearful Bonnie, coldly explaining to her what’s going to happen . . . and all for the love of Elena.  But then, in a surprise move,  Damon pops up, and vampirizes Abby, thereby breaking the Original Mother’s connection to the family line because  . . . wait for it . . . witches can’t be vampires.

In a moment of unintentional hilarity, Original Mother instantly feels the witchy connection severing.  “Don’t abandon me, sisters,” she yells.

Oh, silly Original Mother?  Have you not by now realized that these witches are some fickle b*tches?  I mean look at their track record: they supported Abby . . . they abandoned Abby . . . they supported Bonnie . . . they abandoned Bonnie . . . they tortured Damon .   . . they stopped torturing Damon . . .they tortured Klaus . . . they stopped torturing Klaus . . . they hid the coffins . . . they made the coffins appear.

Anywhoo, both Finn and Original Mommy evaporate into thin air.  But we know we’re not lucky enough for them to be actually dead, right?

The Aftermath . . .

Rebekah eventually lets hostage Elena free, but not before the two have a little heart-to-heart about how Rebekah is REALLY mad at her, because . . . wait for it . . . she hurt her feelings, by not really wanting to be her friend.  (Because telling someone why they are mad at you isn’t patronizing at all!)  Rebekah agrees though, (She is Klaus’ sister, in every sense of the term . . . and these two really do seem to have a soft spot for the ladies, and an almost desperate need for companionship.  She also reminds Elena that Revenge is a decent show on ABC a dish best served cold.  So, Elena can expect to get hers in small doses.  How sweet!

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Speaking of cold . . . shoulders, Elena goes to see Bonnie, and is sent away by Caroline, who rightly tells Elena, that it’s kind of her fault that Bonnie’s mom is a vampire.  (Grams would have hated that!)  And that Bonnie’s getting a little tired of playing the “Save Elena Games,” and ending up crying as a result.  (However you might feel about Bonnie, Abby and forced vampirism, you have to admit, girlfriend has a point.)

Raise your hand if you’ve been personally victimized, in order for someone to save Elena Gilbert . . . 

Elena leaves sobbing, and, on the other side of the door, Bonnie is sobbing too.  Something tells me Damon going to be getting a lot of cell phone calls tonight. 😉

“What are you wearing?” 

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, Damon and Stefan have a heart-to-heart about Stefan returning to the bunny diet after that heinous Bridge Incident, and Damon taking the fall on the whole “kill Bennett” thing, despite having won the coin toss.   There goes Damon again, doing the martyr thing, and all for his little brother’s love of Elena.  On one hand, it’s frustrating . . . and a little annoying.  On the other hand, Damon did say this “I’m better at being the bad guy.”

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Now, with this, I agree.   Once again, I’m brought back to Damon’s and Stefan’s conversation in “The Last Dance,” when, again Bonnie’s “life” and Elena’s psychological well being were sacrificed to save Elena from an Original.  Back then, Damon told Stefan that he would be the one who kept her alive.   And he was willing to play that role in her life, even if she ended up hating him in the process.

Somewhere along the line, Damon lost a bit of that edge.  He just started to love Elena way too much for her to hate him in return.  But I actually think it’s this so-called “bad Damon,” who Elena fell in love with,  in the first place.  And something tells me that, while Damon’s unquestioning support of Elena scared her away to some extent, his loving and protecting her from afar, while pretending not to care, will drive her right back into his eternally waiting arms . . .

At least, I hope so . . .

In other news, Elijah left town, leaving a Dear John-esque parting letter for Elena in his wake.  Turns out, he wasn’t just blowing smoke up her ass, so that he can kidnap her.  Elijah really does admire and envy Elena’s compassion.  How adorable!  Now, get the f*&k back to Mystic Falls, so that you can hit on, and sacrifice your life for Elena, just like everyone else . . .

Also, Klaus burned some pictures of Caroline and that horse.  There were a SCARY amount of pictures, actually.  So, is this the end of Klaroline? I’m thinking not . . . once again, giving a lady her space is the absolute best way to remind her of what she might be missing . . . even if what she’s missing just so happens to be a sociopathic vampire, with a bit of a stalking problem. 🙂  He’s still super pretty though!

Speaking of Klaus, Rebekah pops by to tell him that she’s been spending a lot of time reading cave paintings, and one of them told her that White Oak Ash trees still exist.  This means the Originals lives are still at risk . . . a little factoid I’d be a bit more concerned about, if we hadn’t by now seen them all staked and de-staked, by white oak ash daggers, about 82 times a-piece, this season . . .

Oh Crazy Nanny Carrie . . . you weren’t fooling ANYONE except, perhaps, Alaric.

In our lame, predictable, disappointing Big Bad Cliffhanger, Alaric awakens in Crazy Nanny Carrie / Meredith’s messy house to find that the good doctor has been collecting evidence about the Mystic Falls Serial Killer, including one of the murder weapons.   “You shouldn’t have seen that,” says Meredith . . . even though SHE KEPT IT COMPLETELY IN PLAIN SITE FOR HIM TO FIND.

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Then she shoots him, which, I guess is supposed to make us think she’s the serial killer.  But that would just be too easy.  As for whether Alaric was wearing his ring, and whether it will actually work to bring him back to life, this time.  That remains to be seen.  But something tells me that our favorite History Teacher will live to drink and drunk dial, another day . . .

Unfortunately, that’s all the TVD she wrote, at least for another month-long-hiatus . . .

But hey, next week’s episode is a DAMON SALVATORE ORIGIN episode, which is as good a way to make up for lost time as any, right?

And until then . . . we’ll always have fanfiction, Fangbangers! . . . 😉

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls forever]

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The Tougher the Vampire, the Bigger his Balls! – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “Dangerous Liaisons”

You are invited to dance with, screw, and possibly be murdered by some of the hottest vampires in Mystic Falls.  R.S.V.P., A.S.A.P!

Howdy fangbangers!  This week on TVD we had a BALL . . . multiple balls, in fact . . . depending on your definition of the term. 😉

It was also a very good week for dancing, shipping, and, of course, surprise “back door entrances.”  So chug back a glass of Petrova Doppelganger blood, slip into your fanciest finery, and prepare for some “Dangerous Liaisons.”

My Knight and Shining Elijah

You’ve really gotta hand it to Kevin Williamson and Co.  Somehow, they can take even the tiredest of TV and Movie tropes, and give them a fresh twist to make them seem new and interesting again.  Case in point: you’ve probably all seen the “someone’s hiding in the backseat of your car” scene, about a few dozen times before tonight.

Hey, would you mind lowering that axe, I can’t see out of my review mirror . . .” 

And that’s precisely what I, and I suspect many of you, thought was coming, when the writers made a point of spending FIVE FULL MINUTES on Elena having a seemingly useless conversation with Matt outside the hospital, and SLOWLY getting her car ALONE, all the while, with the distinct feeling that SOMEONE WAS WATCHING HER.

What we didn’t expect was that the stalker in question wasn’t actually in Elena’s car, but rather, behind it, and then, subsequently, under it.  That’s right, folks.  Elena HIT and Ran Over her stalker.  But when she emerged from the car to check out what had happened . . . wait for it . . . NO ONE WAS THERE . . .

Until SOMEONE HAD HER UP AGAINST THE WINDSHIELD OF A CAR . . . and not exactly in a hot, foreplay, way either . . .

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Well, maybe in a little bit of a hot, foreplay, way . . .

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But, worry not!  The Gentleman Vampire Elijah is not going to let anything happen to the woman who shares a face with his first (and second) love, even if it means going against his sister .  . .

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“You are pathetic,” Rebekah seethes.

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Umm . . . yeah, if by “pathetic” you mean “AWESOME!”

Cue TVD’s resident recapper Elijah’s filling in Elena, off screen about what happened in the last scene of “Bringing Out the Dead.”  Now, that was a conversation I would have liked to have seen!

“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Anyone Else Feeling Used?

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Aside from that time, when she de-staked Elijah and didn’t tell anyone . . .

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 . . .  this might be the first time Elena knows something about the supernatural world, before Damon and Stefan do.  It’s kind of cool to see her schooling them, like that.  Damon, in particular, is annoyed that the Scooby Gang did all this work to open the Fourth Coffin, only to find that it’s contents were nothing more than a Family Reunion Party in a pretty little package . . .

After all, if all Mama Original plans to do with Klaus, is kiss and make up with him . . . well that’s really not going to help him DIE, now is it?

And yet, as those of us who have already watched the episode know, Damon’s view of the situation is a bit myopic . . .  And I mean that in the nicest way possible, TV Boyfriend . . .

Knock, Knock . . . Who’s there?  No one?

Apparently, despite being thousands of years old, the Original Family has still not outgrown the game: “ding, dong, ditch.”  Elena finds an invitation to the Michaelson’s (that’s the Original Family’s name, BTW) Ball.  (I guess Damon’s and Stefan’s got lost in the “ditch.”)

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On the back of the invitation is a little love note from Esther Original.  It says, “Come and play with me at the party.  I promise I won’t send Ghost Vicki to burn you alive in your car again, like last time. LOL.  XOXO – Esther.”

Or something like that . . .

Elena wants to attend the sitdown, suspecting that perhaps it might help in the whole “Kill Klaus” thing.  Stefan seems to agree with her (either that, or he just thinks that agreeing with her will help him get into her pants faster).  But Damon thinks it’s a terrible idea . . . probably because it is a terrible idea.

This isn’t the first time Elena has gotten involved with an Original, and Damon has disapproved . . . while Stefan sat back and watched, hands folded across his chest.

The difference, of course, is that back then, Stefan’s constant agreement with Elena, was his way of showing her love.  Now, he’s agreeing with her to hide those same feelings.

“That’s your job,” Stefan says to Damon, regarding the responsibility of caring for Elena.  This would be fine, if we DIDN’T just hear Stefan admit he was in love with Elena, last week.

Which version of Ripper Stefan are we going to get next week?

Make up your mind, Buddy!

At the end of the scene Damon promises to check out the whole Mommy Dearest thing for Elena.  He assumes this means that he will get to go to the ball, while Cinderella Elena, and the trusty mouse that helps dress her (Stefan) will stay home.  Silly Damon!  What makes you think Elena would ever give up the opportunity to dance with you?

Meet the Michaelsons

In last week’s episode, all of the Original “kids” (if you can call them that), all seemed pretty united in kicking Klaus’ ass .  . .  both physically, and emotionally.  But this week, we really got to see the various dynamics and alliances between them . . .  For example, Kol seems to have an almost incestuous affection for his sister . . .

. . .  has little love lost with his mother, and really, really, really does not get along with Klaus.  (Now, we know why Klaus feared facing him alone.)

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In some ways, Kol is scarier than Klaus, because he genuinely seems to lack anything resembling empathy . . . His only concern is himself (and maybe Rebekah).  As for Klaus, as impulsive, calculating, and sometimes downright evil he can be, we all know that inside, he is made of mush, fatherly neglect, a need to be loved, and a deep, deep attraction to blonde baby vampires named Caroline . . .

Klaus’ mother, on the other hand, seems all goopy sweetness and light, which, at least on this show, makes her entirely suspect . . .

Speaking of suspect . . .

Fondly Klaus

At Caroline’s house, we see her get a phone message from Tyler.  This is actually Tyler’s only appearance in the entire episode . . . a disembodied voice in the iPhone.  It’s sad, really.  But I was glad that Tyler saw fit to call Caroline about her dad’s death, and that he’s trying to “cure” his sire bond for her.  Caroline seemed touched as well.

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 . . . just not in the way he wanted to touch her, if you catch my drift.

Ding, Dong, Ditch, again!  Like Elena, Caroline just landed herself an invitation to the Michaelson’s ball.  But the little love note on the back of her card isn’t from Goopy Sweetness and Light, Esther.  It’s from Klaus . . .

Did I mention he also bought her a dress?   Oh Tyler.  Get thee back to Mystic Falls pronto.   Your hours and hours of sacrifice and excruciating pain are no match for the likes of Tiffany and Vera Wang . . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, Elena and Caroline discuss the freaky weirdness that is the Michaelson’s ball.  “It’s some freaky Cinderella fetish,” Caroline muses.

There is some discussion as to which Salvatore will be escorting Elena to the ball, since one of them recently lost his “feelings” chip, and the other one, MADE OUT WITH HER, LIKE A BAMF!

Yeah . . . apparently,  Little Witch Bonnie is fairly lame, when it comes to the whole “secrets keeping” thing.

Caroline is more than a bit hurt that Elena didn’t tell her, herself, especially considering how quickly Elena told Caroline the first time she and Matt kissed.  It’s funny how vampires and a supernatural lifestyle can mess with your priorities.  Speaking of Matt, he actually seems to be the only one who actually gets his invitation to the ball handed to him, by Rebekah, no less . . .

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“Is it about moi, then?” 

Caroline and Elena look on with concern, and decide that they should attend the ball, after all, if only to prevent a guy they both dated, once upon a time, from being eaten . . .

Cinderella Fetishism at its Best . . .

It may be the Michaelson’s dance, but the place it’s held looks suspiciously like Tyler Lockwood’s house.  Am I wrong?  I guess it’s just easier to use and reuse this set, everytime Mystic Falls has one of it’s big fancy parties.

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Also, the place is packed!  What’s the population of Mystic Falls, anyway, especially considering that about three humans and three random supernatural characters seem to get killed here, at least once a week?  I mean, if that’s not population control, I don’t know what is?  Additionally . . . THEY ONLY HAVE ONE BAR / SOCIAL ESTABLISHMENT. .  . New York City, it clearly, isn’t .  . .

But i digress . . . Damon — who may or may not have gotten his own invitation — is flirting with Carol Lockwood, who claims she is playing nice with the vampire neighbors, in order to keep her town safe.  Enter Kol, who, in about two minutes, manages to disarm Tyler’s mom, and brutally insult Damon, in one quick shot.

This town doesn’t have a prayer . . .

Generally speaking, our man Damon doesn’t take kindly to insults, particularly by vampires.  But fortunately for Kol, Damon is a bit distracted by a recent occupant of the ballroom.  It’s Elena.  And between her curled hair, vampy makeup, and big poofy black sequined ball gown, she’s looking more than a bit Katherine-y.  Damon most definitely approves . . .

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I’ll never get over the way Damon looks at Elena, particularly when she’s dressed up.  What girl wouldn’t want to be looked at that way, by the man of her dreams?  And Elena gets to be looked at that way by two men?

B*TCH! 

After expressing annoyance with Elena for disregarding their wishes and attending the ball, both Damon and Stefan offer themselves up as her escort . . . one sexy suited vamp per arm.  It just doesn’t get much better than that, folks . . .

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While our main love triangle is already enjoying the festivities, Caroline is still at home, trying in vain to find something to wear to the party that isn’t the dress Klaus purchased for her.  We know she owns at least other ballroom gown . . . the one she wore to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant.  But it’s NO Klaus Gown, and Caroline knows it.

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The box remains on her bed, taunting her . . . teasing her . . . “Wear me!”  It says, in Klaus’ accent.

Caroline sighs, having no choice but to obey  . . . blame it on the “sire dress” bond, or whatever . . .

Caroline seemingly arrives at the dance, about two seconds later.  I’d say this was an editing problem.  But vamps do have superhuman speed after all.  One look at Klaus’ face, as he sees Caroline enter the room, clad in his dress AND his bracelet, and we know, for certain that the Big Bad Original Vamp isn’t the one holding the cards in this relationship.   “Love is a vampire’s greatest weakness,” Klaus has been quoted as saying.

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Well, Bad Boy . . . get ready to get weak!

“I need a drink,” are Caroline’s first words to Klaus, as she sidesteps him, and heads to the bar.  (a.k.a. the party version of I can’t go out with you, because “I’m washing my hair.”)

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But Klaus isn’t giving up so fast . . .

Finn pops by Elena to remind him that her invitation didn’t come with a “plus one,” and it certainly didn’t come with a “plus 2.” He reminds her that, if she wants to hang with the Original Witch, she’s going to have to go in there alone.  Well, of course she does!  The question is, will Damon let her . . .

Speaking of Damon, he finds Elena again, just as the Michaelsons request that their guests join them in a waltz.

Sly little doobie that he is, Damon manages to keep Elena from traipsing after the Original Mother by reminding her how orgasmic the pair can be on a dance floor.  “It would be rude not to dance,” whispers Damon in her ear, as he delicately grabs hold of her arm.

And suddenly, it’s the Miss Mystic Falls pageant all over again  . . .

“You look stunning, if it isn’t obvious,” says Damon, admiring his dance partner with a reverence and awe, bordering on religious.

When it comes to dancing, Damon and Elena possess a language that is all their own.  It is in the way that they look at, and touch one another  . . . and how they glide across a dance hall together, incredibly in sync, as if they are meant to be doing nothing else.

Stefan looks on with obvious jealousy.  Well, well, well, look who decided to wear his emotions this week?

Speaking of Stefan, I thought it was interesting that he “cut in” at the dance, by twirling Elena toward him, since that’s precisely what Damon did to him, back in “The Last Dance.” 

The parallel to that episode is quite fitting, when you think about how, back then, Damon accused Stefan of being too emotionally attached to Elena to make the hard decisions regarding Klaus’ death, and her safety.  “I’m the one that’s going to keep her alive,” he said memorably.

Now, it’s Damon, playing the role of the emotionally attached, and Stefan, in the role of cold-hearted protector.   It’s for this reason, at least partially, that Elena seeks a private audience with Stefan, whereas, at this time last year, she might have chosen Damon . . .

Her specific request is for Stefan to help Elena get in to Mama Original, without Damon following her, or trying to stop her.  “You care more about boning killing Klaus than anything,” am I wrong?  Elena inquires of her ex.

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Stefan hesitates for a few moments, but ultimately agrees.  At this point, both parties know that Stefan’s whole “I have no feelings” thing, is totally a charade, but they decide to go along with it, anyway.  Elena muses that Stefan’s tendency to allow Elena make whatever stupid decision she’s decided to make for the week, without argument, is something she loved about him, while they were dating, and still loves now.

It would seem that Elena, like a certain Vampire Katherine, before her, prefers her boyfriends to be pliant and obedient  . . . Go figure!

Meanwhile, Klaus and Caroline are doing their own little flirtatious waltz.  Though our first official introduction to this duo, was the whole “arm sucking / life saving” thing, this is the first time we’ve really had the opportunity to see these two interact on a sort-of even playing field.

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 It’s fun to see how disarmed Klaus is by Caroline.  He’s in total wooing mode, and not quite sure how to handle her wariness, or feistiness.  This is a woman he can’t control through fear.  And while he could theoretically compel her (assuming she’ not on vervain), that wouldn’t be nearly as much fun, as what he’s doing now . . .

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Speaking of Caroline’s wariness, and feistiness,  this is really the first time we’ve seen a woman interact with Klaus who isn’t deathly afraid of him.  (Though some might argue, she probably should be . . . she most of all.)  Elena, Bonnie, Katherine, even Klaus’ own sister, to some extent, all treated the Original Hybrid with a certain degree of terror and disdain.  But Caroline’s almost stupidly brave around Klaus, having no qualms at all about sassing him, or insulting him.  And it’s that aspect of her personality that seems to intrigue him, all the more . . .

Like Tyler, Klaus begins by apologizing about Caroline’s dad’s death, but Caroline won’t hear it.  So, he instead smugly remarks on her choice of dress and jewelry, despite her protestations that she is “spoken for” by Klaus’ very own sire, Tyler.

But I think my favorite exchange between these two, was when Klaus noted that Caroline was a good dancer, and Caroline explained that she was Miss Mystic Falls.  “I know,” responded Klaus with a grin.

Apparently, not even Original Hybrids are above Googling the objects of their affection . . .

In which Elena pisses me off THREE TIMES in under twenty minutes . . .

Elena texts Damon to meet her in the study.  And when he arrives he’s attacked from behind, by his own brother, who BREAKS HIS NECK.  Elena looks sad about this, for all of one second, before dashing upstairs to meet the Original Mother.  – Time Elena Pissed Me Off  this Week # 1

En route to Mommy Dearest, Elena runs into Elijah, who’s seemed more than a bit smitten with her of late.  Memories of Tatiya, I guess.  (Man, is there anyone on this show, aside from Klaus, who isn’t head over heels for this girl.  It’s frustrating!)  Elijah admits to Elena that he’s not quite sure of his own mother’s motives for bringing the family together.  And it’s causing him to ask questions, he never thought he would ask.  “Can I depend on you to tell me what she says?”  Elijah asks.

Elena agrees.  Poor Elijah.  You might be honorable.  But the girl to whom you are speaking just convinced her ex boyfriend to break his brother / her sort-of lovers’ neck.  Now to me, that does very little to render her statements to you, at all trustworthy . . .

When Elena arrives in the Original Hybrid’s bedroom, Finn is there.  And there’s just something weirdly incestuous about the relationship between these two, as well!  It’s a little gross.  I’m not going to lie.  Apparently, this is the part of the episode where the Original Mother answers our questions about how the f*&k she came to be here, in the first place.

According to Mama Original, when Klaus killed her, Ayanna her witchy friend, preserved her body, so that she could leave it, and traverse the spirit world for over 1,000 years, without her corporeal form rotting away.  (That’s how she got in touch with Ghost Vampire Vicki in Ghost World.  It’s also how she still has witchy powers, even though, we’ve been told that vampires can’t be witches, and vice versa.)  Apparently, Ayanna was a Bennett, and that’s why the Bennett Mother /Daughter duo were the only ones capable of opening her coffin.

Oh, and did I mention that she wants to KILL ALL HER KIDS!!!!

Yeah, apparently, she’s decided they are an abomination, or something . . .  Right, because a 1,000 year old woman, who’s body has been preserved for 1,000 years, and is trying to murder all her children isn’t an abomination at all . . .

She also apparently threw this whole entire ridiculous ball, just to get her kiddies to drink some cursed champagne.  Now, that’s just silly, Mama Original!  Your children are perpetual twenty-somethings.  You don’t need a big fat ball to get them to drink liquor!  They probably do it on their own, every day.

Mama Original explains that she needs the Doppelganger’s blood in the champagne toast, in order to bind the Original Siblings together.  (“One drink ring to rule them all, one ring to bind them.” It’s Lord of the Rings all over again!) Elena gladly offers her blood, without knowing exactly why she’s giving it.  The Original Mother conveniently explains it to her, afterword.  “Kill one Original, kill them all.”

Yeah, this woman sucks ass, in a big way . . . worse than her husband, even.  Why are the parents on this show so universally despicable?  What message does that give our youth?  Just sayin’.

Back in the library, Damon awakens to Stefan standing over him, with a smug smile on his face.  Let the brotherly ass kicking begin!  Name calling is involved.  I seem to recall both brothers referring to one another a “controlling dick,” which makes me think dirty thoughts.  Stefan accuses Damon of “caring too much,” an accusation that erstwhile villain Damon finds both ironic and offensive, and so do I.

Damon then storms off, in search of his errant lady love . . .

Much like Katherine, before her, it seems that screwing up the Salvatore brother’s relationship  is one of Elena’s greatest talents.

DON’T DRINK AND DIE!

Elena is standing next to Elijah at the time that the Original Hybrid makes her dreaded champagne toast.  Before it happens, Elijah asks Elena what his mother said to her, and she lies through her teeth, claiming that all Esther wanted to do was apologize to her for the whole “lock you in a burning car” thing.  Elijah believes Elena, seemingly, without question.   And his unfailing faith in her lying ass, makes me incredibly sad.

But I’m about to get angry. . .

For a few hopeful seconds, it looks as though Elena might prevent Elijah from drinking down his cup of death.  It would be so easy to do.  All she’d have to do is trade glasses with him .  . . or accidentally/on purpose knock the cup from his hand . . . or say, “Don’t drink that,  I think Klaus peed in it.”

But NOOOOO!  She just lets Elijah drink his own death warrant.

What a heinous b*tch! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 2

A horse is a horse, of course, of course . . .

After the Death Toast, Klaus finds Caroline admiring a horse.  She’s a fan of the animals, because they are cute.  He likes them because they are loyal.  Klaus then tell a nice little story about how his father killed his horse / only friend as a warning.

Oh Klaus, you really know how to sweet talk a girl.  There’s nothing like severed horse heads to get a female in the mood . . .

In true Elena fashion, Caroline lectures Klaus on the importance of ironing out differences with your daddy, no matter how many of your horses he has slaughtered.  This way, when he dies, you will have no regrets.  .  . well, aside from regretting that he’s dead, of course.  And, in Klaus’ case, regretting that YOU killed him.  (But, hey, no family relationship is perfect, right?)

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Caroline then gets all sassy again, by telling Klaus that she likes horses AND people.  But that people also like her too, probably because she doesn’t try to use them in sacrifice rituals . . .

Later Klaus takes Caroline to his personal art collection, and offers to take her around the world . . . anywhere she wants to go.

Caroline seems entirely tempted, in spite of herself.  Evil as he might be, Klaus has really been on his best, and most charming behavior, when it comes to Caroline . . . well, except for the whole “trying to get Tyler to kill her” thing . . .  (I’m honestly not sure why Caroline hasn’t made that connection yet.)

Did I mention that Klaus is an artist, himself?  And that he tends to draw pictures of the women he “fancies” . . . women like Caroline?  Who knew!

But things go south a bit, when Caroline remarks annoyedly of her future boyfriend’s tendency to snap his fingers to get what he wants, and turn them into hybrids when he needs new “friends.”  She then pointedly asks Klaus to break the sire bond, between him and Tyler.

After all of Caroline’s remarks, it’s this one that seems to piss Klaus off the most.  “I think it’s time for you to leave,” he says petulantly, like a little kid who’s childhood playmate has started calling him names.

But Caroline isn’t done with Klaus, quite yet.  “You don’t connect with people, because you don’t try to understand them,” Caroline yells, tossing the super expenive bracelet to the floor, before stomping off.

The assessment seems to affect Klaus deeply, and cause a lot of brooding, on his part.

But Klaus recovers quickly enough to leave Caroline yet another secret gift.  This time it’s a handdrawn picture of her next to a horse.  Out of context, this seems like an odd, and potentially offensive gift.  But given Caroline’s and Klaus’ pony bonding moment, it’s actually a really sweet gesture.

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Oh, and there’s also a note . . .”Thank you for your honesty,” it says.

WOW, Klaus must REALLY like being insulted. 😉  At least, now we know how to get into his pants!

Toward the end of the episode, Caroline calls Tyler and begs him to return home.  Now, we KNOW she’s falling for Klaus.  If she wasn’t, I suspect she wouldn’t be quite so insistent on her boyfriend’s presence as a buffer between them.

Choices . . . choices. 

Speaking of buffers . . .

“I’m mad at you, because I’m in love with you.”

When Elena runs into Damon, after getting Stefan to break his neck, she has some serious explaining to do.  They are in eachother’s faces again.  His hand is on her arm.  Their eyes and mouths are inches apart from one another.

In the heat of passion, Damon tells Elena he loves her, for the third time, in their relationship.  (Though, in her defense, she still doesn’t remember the first time.)

“Well, maybe that’s the problem,” Elena says coldly.

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OK . . . WHAT . . . THE . . . F*&K!  SERIOUSLY, ELENA! – Time Elena Pissed Me off This Week # 3  through 1,022!

First of all?  Coldest, most callous response to an “I love you,” EVER!  Second of all, since when does Little Miss Touchy Feely Elena accuse someone of being TOO EMOTIONAL and caring.  Hasn’t she just spent the past three seasons TRYING to get Damon to “be the better man” and feel?

Ugh!  Who peed in Elena’s cheerios this morning, and made her such a heinous b*tch?  We’re totally in a fight right now, her and I . . .

“I care too much . . . I’m a liability . . . How ironic is that?”  Damon scoffs.

How ironic, indeed!

Matt’s Knight and Shining Damon

Elsewhere in the party, Kol and Rebekah decide to kill Matt for sh*ts and giggles.  They figure it will piss off their mother, and hurt Elena at the same time.  But then Matt chivalrously offers Rebekah his coat, and all bets are off.

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(Wow, girlfriend must REALLY have never had a guy be nice to her to be so incredibly easy to win over.  A cheap ratty coat . . . for a vampire?  Seriously!)

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Kol, however, is super jealous of Matt, because his sister might actually want to bone him not quite as needy for affection as his sister.  So, he accosts Matt on the balcony later that night, and proceeds to break his arm . . . literally.

But worry not, Matt fans!  It’s Damon to the rescue!

He throws Kol OFF THE BALCONY, jumps after him, and starts pummeling the pretty boy’s face, like it’s his job.  But, of course, when the rest of the party guests emerge from the house to investigate the commotion, Damon, being Damon, just stomps away, instead of explaining why he did what he did . . .

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Quite the bad ass martyr, that Damon . . .

Through the back door .  . .

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Back at the mansion, Elijah lets his mother know he has done damage control, on the whole vampire fighting thing.  “I wish the others were more like you, Elijah,” coos Mother Dearest.  (Yeah, Mommy.  If you have your way, they will all be like Elijah . . . DEAD.)

Inside mommy’s chambers is her boyfriend / husband, Finn, to whom Mama Original complains that Elijah is too “moral.”  “Morality is a vampire’s greatest weakness, apparently.”  (Good ole TVD, always teaching us the tough life lessons.)

Apparently, Finn is in on his mom’s whole “kill her kids” plan.  “I’m ready to die,” says Finn, who must agree with his mother, about the whole “vampires are abominations” thing.

Great . . . just what our pop culture lexicon needs, another self-loathing vampire . . .

It’s frustrating really, because, if I was a vampire, I would love the sh*t out of myself.  No joke.  Vampires are awesome . . .  particularly, the non-suicidal ones.

To complete spell, we see Finn cut his hand, and drip his blood on a piece of paper, which maps out a bloody family tree across him and his siblings’ names, etch-a-sketch style.  I guess this is like the paper version of Bonnie’s nosebleeds . . .

Back at the Gilbert house, Stefan walks Elena home, while she informs him of the Wicked Original Witch’s nefarious kid-killing plans.  The former reminds Elena that she has nothing to feel guilty about, in terms of killing Elijah, because Klaus has brought nothing but darkness into her life.  (Ummm . . . maybe . . . but Klaus isn’t Elijah.)

The pair also both admit to one another that they were mean to Damon, and that this might explain why he went after Kol the way he did.  If only they knew . . .

As Stefan is leaving, Elena calls him back to the site of the epic Delena kiss. (That is sacred ground, Elena.  Don’t you dare kiss him, or I will hack off your lips, and send them to you via Fed Ex.)  She wants to know how Stefan can “not feel,” and wishes that she could do the same thing.  Well, Elena, for what it’s worth, I thought you were pretty unfeeling to Damon!   So, that’s progress in the “becoming heartless” department!  Stefan then pretty much admits to Elena, that the reason he’s seemingly turned off his humanity, and has been pretending not to care about Elena, is not to protect her, but to protect himself from the pain of reliving what he did last summer . . . and, of course, reliving his BITING of Elena.  (No word on reliving that time, when he tried to drive her off a cliff.)

Elena seems heartened by this, somewhat .  . .

Over at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls a gloomy Matt ignores Rebekah’s apologies and romantic advances, because her brother BROKE HIS ARM, and he doesn’t have health insurance.  (Apparently, the only health coverage Only Bar gives it’s employees is a lifetime supply of vervain.)

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 “I should have killed him,” pouts Rebekah.

Be afraid, Matt.  Be very afraid.

Enter Drunk Damon, who’s chugging whiskey straight out of the bottle that he’s conveniently brought to the bar from home.  “Rejected by the high school football captain,” he says sliding into the seat next to her.  “Welcome to adolescence.”

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After tossing back a shot or two, Damon reminds Rebekah that she would have crushed Matt in bed anyway, and that she should find someone more . . . ahem . . . durable.

Next thing you know, Damon and Rebekah are back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome, throwing one another against walls, ripping eachothers clothes off, and . . . butt humping?

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Oh, CW!  You naughty, naughty channel . . .

This isn’t the first time, Damon has dealt with mistreatment by Elena, through sex with others.  We’ve seen it happen with Caroline, Katherine, Rose, and Andie, before Rebekah.

The difference, of course, is that Elena REALLY deserves this one.  And I can’t wait until she finds out that her erstwhile vampire lover has been schtupping the woman who wants her dead.  Revenge is definitely sweet, but it also might give you a VD . . .

Next week on TVD, Elena gets more of her just desserts, when Elijah finds out about her little fib, and responds by kidnapping and holding her hostage.  Yep, the honeymoon period is definitely over between these two.

Until next time!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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