Tag Archives: 305

A Ticking Timebomb – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “The Reckoning”

OK, everybody.  Raise your hands if you will NOT be beaten up, abused, or tortured during this episode . . . Yeah . . . that’s what I thought. 

Welcome back, Fangbangers!  Things have changed quite a bit since we spoke last.  You know, Matt got a haircut, Rebekah learned how to use an iPhone, and ALMOST EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON THIS SHOW IS NOW A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON!

*takes breath*

OK . . . so, now that we’ve had a little time to decompress, what do you say, we settle in for a little Prank Night?

(As always, a big round of applause for my Super Screencapper Extraordinaire Andre, who ROCKS, RULES, and KICKS ASS, all at the same time . . . very impressive.)

Pump Some Iron (Snap Some Traps)

“Have you seen the pects on the guys in Mystic Falls?  I really need to start working out, if I ever want to get another sex scene on this show.” 

Tell me something, TVD producers?  What’s the point of having an Obligatory Workout Scene, when the guy who’s working out KEEPS HIS SHIRT ON?  I mean, we started the episode with a random close-up shot of sweaty Matt working out, and not only was he NOT shirtless, he was wearing a friggin HOODIE over his t-shirt.  REALLY?  This is a travesty of fangirl justice, seriously . . .  He was also wearing some very dorky shorts . . .

Hmm . . . I wonder if he’s going commando? 

But I digress . . .

Matt’s working out after hours at the Mystic Falls High weight room (Wait . . . these kids still go to school?) when he HEARS A NOISE.  Then, he sees a BLACK SHADOWY FIGURE run across him.  Throw in a night vision camera, and we can do our own little version of Paranormal Activity 4 – Vicki’s REVENGE.  Matt walks out alone in the dark hallway.  And if he wasn’t a series regular, I would think this was a pretty AWESOME set-up for an Opening Kill Scene . . .

“Please don’t let this ridiculous outfit be the one I end up being buried in.”

Instead, Matt opens the door to what he thinks is a deserted classroom, and . . .

“Dammit, Matt!  You set off all the mouse traps!  Now we’ll never be able to solve Mystic Falls High’s rampant rodent problem!  (Where’s bunny eater Stefan when you need him?)”

 . . . snaps a bunch of lame mousetraps on the floor.  How lamedisappointing boring HILARIOUS!

“I didn’t just walk in on some weird supernatural creature orgy, or something, did I?”

Lo and behold, our whole Scooby Gang (at least the one’s who are actually students at this school, and NOT Jeremy) is hanging out in the classroom, looking rather smug.  Caroline is PISSED though.  Matt ruined her Adorable Rat Trap Trick!  Senior Prank Night is RUINED. .  .

No, it’s really not.  But Caroline is still SHOCKED that Matt could possibly forget something SUPER important, like Senior Prank Night.

“I am so mad at you.  We are so not having sex tonight.  Oh wait . . . I forgot, I’m never having sex with you again, because I get to have mindblowing sex with Tyler every single night, for all eternity.  Oops, did I say that out loud?” 

I mean, it’s not like Matt has anything ELSE to worry about . . . like, you know, his vampire ex-girlfriend hooking up with his werewolf sort-of best friend, his Ghost Sister stalking his OTHER ex girlfriend’s little brother, whether the economic recession will impact his tips at the Only Bar / Social Establishment in Mystic Falls, thereby preventing him from being able to afford less dorky shorts . . .

“Could you please lay off the shorts.  I didn’t have time to do laundry this week.” 

Everybody begins to split up then.  You know, because, despite having been on this show for over two seasons, these folks still haven’t learned that they Star in the TV Version of a Horror Movie, and splitting up equals death . . . or, if you happen to be a series regular, certain torture by the Big Bad Villain of the Season.  Elena heads off ALONE to go glue Professor Alaric’s desk shut, which probably isn’t nearly as annoying to someone who’s DIED FIVE TIMES.

 A little glue never hurt a Chunky Monkey. 

We’re back in that long empty hallway again!  Fortunately, Elena doesn’t have to be alone for long, because Klaus is there.  Did I say “fortunately?”  I meant “OH SH*T!”

“You’ll pay for this Klaus!  If Alaric comes into school Monday morning, and his desk ISN’T glued shut, I am telling all the kids at school to put flaming dog poo in your locker.” 

“You are supposed to be dead,” says the guy who was born 1,000 years ago to the girl who recently turned 18.

(“Hello Pot . . . This is Kettle, calling.  Guess what?  YOU’RE BLACK!”)

“You just don’t DO IT for me, anymore.”

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Elsewhere, on the Shortest and Most Pointless Road Trip in TVD History, Damon is driving to Some Random Destination We Never Get to See.  In the passenger seat, Katherine is making jokes about going to truck stops and eating truckers, which would probably be a lot funnier, if this wasn’t a vampire show, where such jokes are made about every ten minutes.

Plus, Katherine doesn’t really strike me as the trucker eating type.  For the record, I envision truckers tasting like gasoline, bad diner food, and public restrooms.  No offense to all those truckers out there.  But, hey, if you happen to be a trucker, who watches The Vampire Diaries, I REALLY want to meet you so that I can eat you, and see if my hypothesis is correct.

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As it turns out, Katherine DOESN’T seem to really have a set destination in mind.  She simply wants to get Damon far enough from Mystic Falls that there is no chance of turning back.  Damon claims not to mind, saying that he needs a break from Mystic Falls.  “A break from Mystic Falls, or a break from Elena?”  Katherine coos seductively.

You see, I have this theory that Katherine is secretly on Team Delena, despite evidence to the contrary.  She always seems to be helping out my ship in subtle ways.  And I love her for that.  Like for example, this moment, in which Damon starts TOTALLY MAKING OUT WITH KATHERINE WHILE HE’S DRIVING, WITH NO REGARD FOR THE ROAD WHATSOEVER.  (Well, I guess, even if they get into a car accident, they won’t REALY die.  So, it kind of makes sense.)

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Then Damon roughly throws a shocked Katherine back into the passenger seat, which, actually reminded me a little of THIS . . .

(I clapped then too!) 

“What did you do that for?”  She inquires, pouting.

“You just don’t do it for me, anymore,” replies Damon.

(See what I mean?  THANK YOU KATHERINE!)  Oh, and Damon, don’t worry, we ALL know who DOES IT FOR YOU, NOW!

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Adventures in Sadomasochism (Starring Rebekah and Stefan)

Stefan awakens outside the school to find his boyfriend Klaus, has stormed off, after their little lover’s quarrel.  But Rebekah is there, watching him sleep, or rather, watching him un-die. 

“You snore, when you’re dead.” 

Apparently, Klaus has been repeatedly breaking his neck for sh*ts and giggles . . . or, as vampires like to call it foreplay.

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“Was it as good for you, as it was for me?”

Since Stefan has been inconveniently dead up through the first commerical break, it’s up to Rebekah to fill him in on what’s happened.  Fortunately, she leaves out all the boring stuff, about Matt wearing too many clothes, and Katherine’s lame trucker jokes, and gets right to the good stuff, i.e. Klaus knows Elena’s alive and .  . .

“Believe it or not, this is actually my O face . . .” 

Stefan responds to this news by tackling Rebekah, and dry humping her on the concrete floor like a dog in heat.  (Unfortunately, there are no walls around, so a Trademark Wall Slam is not possible.)

“WHERE IS SHEEEEEE?”  Stefan yells, which causes me wonder how many times, since Season 1, the men on this show have yelled this very question, about the woman they lovvvvveeeeee, while tackling someone else.  (My guess is about 17 times.  What’s yours?)

Rebekah’s response is pretty funny, I must admit.  I actually think Rebekah might have stolen Katherine’s sense of humor, this week.   It would certainly explain the bad trucker joke.  “You still really love her, don’t you?  Consider me jealous,” remarks Rebekah, before STAKING STEFAN IN THE STOMACH.

“Do you mind if I keep this?  I have a collection of all the stakes that have been in my stomach since 1864.  It fills my entire bathroom.”

(Hmmm . . . I think Stefan has actually been staked on this show more times than he has said, “Where is SHHEEEEEE?”  I’m going to guess about 30 times.  How about you?)

Simon Klaus says hop on one leg . . . (among other things)

It’s fitting that the episode takes place on SENIOR Prank Night, because Klaus, who is by far, the most SENIOR on this show (at least, until the final moments of the episode) ends up being the one with all the best pranks.  Like this one, where he drags Elena into the gym, and tells all the rest of the seniors that they’ve been caught and have to leave.  You know who doesn’t leave, though?  Not Now Dana . . .

You guys remember, Not Now Dana, right?  In one episode she broke up Matt’s and Caroline’s not-so-epic kiss to inform Matt that there were hamburgers outside, or something else equally lame.  (Hence, the nickname.)  Then AlarKlaus compelled her to hit on Elena, on his behalf.

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Klaus ALSO seems to remember Not Now Dana, which is pretty impressive when you think about it.  (I mean, when you’ve been alive for as long as Klaus has, you would think all the Not Now Dana’s of the world would start to look pretty much the same.)

Klaus compels Not Now Dana to lift her leg, and hop.  She then compels Not Now Dana’s boyfriend (who I THINK was one of the guys he compelled to jump Jeremy, back in “The Last Dance” episode.  YAY for continuity!) to beat her to death, if she lets her leg drop.  Now, this may be controversial,  but I’d have to say that this is probably the most sadistic and twisted Klaus compulsion scheme of the entire episode.  It also involves domestic violence . . . which is probably why the writers didn’t end up actually having the characters go through with it.

So, let’s ignore that whole dark aspect of it for a bit, and focus on the hilarity of Not Now Dana compulsively hopping on one foot, like a subject at a Bad Hypnotist Show . . .

Meanwhile, back on the Roadtrip that Wasn’t . . .

Excuse me . . . I think you have a hot boy in your trunk!

“At least I made Katherine pay for the gas.”

Damon randomly stops the car, and gets out on the side of the road, causing an increasingly horny frustrated Katherine to follow him.  At first, he claims he wants Katherine to drive.  But, when she goes to take the keys, he tosses them into the bushes.   Damon’s tired of driving around aimlessly, and since he’s no longer in the mood for car sex, he’s very much like to know about Katherine’s current scheme, thank you very much.

“Dammit Damon!  Now, I’m never going to learn what a trucker actually tastes like.” 

Katherine relents, and shows Damon the Infamous Magical Necklace, a.k.a the subject of about FIVE of the Sexiest Delena Moments of All Time.

(See?  Katherine  = TOTAL Delena fan.  It doesn’t get much clearer than this)

Damon, of course, aside from the fact that it immediately causes him to fantasize about and miss Elena desperately doesn’t quite understand the significance of this piece of jewelry, when it’s not around Elena’s neck.  Truth be told, Katherine doesn’t quite understand it’s significance yet, either, except to say that it’s “leverage” for bargaining with Klaus, since she knows now that he wants it.

But Katherine has an even better ace up her sleeve, and it’s currently taking a snooze in the trunk of her car.

Definitely more fun to play with than a spare tire . . . 

That’s right, boys and girls,  it’s I See Dead People Jeremy.  And like Stefan, he’s also reawakening from the dead in this episode (Hooray for magical rings.)  Admittedly, like many of the concepts in this episode (which I loved, by the way), Katherine’s reasoning for kidnapping Jeremy is a bit convoluted.  Basically, Katherine learned from Bonnie, back when she was pretending to be Elena, that Jeremy talks to his dead girlfriends.  One of those girlfriends, is Anna.  And, apparently, Anna knows, based on her mother’s conversations with the Original Witch, the key to killing Klaus.

Though Anna is initially hesitant to give up the goods, Damon convinces her, with a little Jeremy strong-arming.

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As many of us, have probably already figured out, the key to killing Klaus is a PERSON.  His name is Michael.  And he’s that vampire hunter /  ACTUAL vampire Klaus and Rebekah have been soiling their panties about, for the past few episodes.

Now, under normal circumstances, Damon would be doing the Happy Dance, upon hearing such news.  But he has more important things to worry about.  Like the text from Bonnie he just got, claiming that Elena is in trouble.   It’s SUPERMAN to the rescue! 🙂

“Hold tight, Lover.  Because HERE I COME!” 

My second favorite line of the episode appears here.  It happens when Katherine chastizes Damon for running off to save Elena, again.  “The Damon I know wouldn’t be that stupid.”

“That’s because I wouldn’t have done it for you,” replies Damon before rushing off.

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Wow, the fact that Damon said that is a HUGE DEAL.  Remember, Damon pined over Katherine for 145 YEARS.  And here he is saying that he didn’t love her enough to make the sacrifices he is prepared to make for Elena’s safety.  Please excuse me, while I have a MAJOR Delena fangirl moment . . .

While Damon’s busy flying to his lover’s side (I bet he’s REALLY wishing he had those “turn into a crow” powers from the Pilot now), let’s head back to school, shall we?

For a Good Time, Call . . .

Bonnie and Matt are toilet papering the pool area, and wondering when their Normal Teenage Lives got so screwed up.  (Oh, I’d say about two seasons, and five epsiodes ago.)

“Hey Matt, I can make my nose bleed on cue.  Wanna see?” 

Did I mention that these two are kind of flirty with one another?  I’m ready to go on the record, and say that I hope Bonnie and Matt become a couple.  Now, this is not necessarily because I think they are so hot together.  (Though they DO have more chemistry than Bonnie has with Jeremy, and Matt has with Caroline, for sure.)  It would just be a nice, relatively non-confrontational, way to get Matt away from Caroline, and the Wicked Witch of the Cockblock to stop preventing Jeremy from having Hot Ghost Sex with Anna .  . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie and Matt promise to meet one another and toilet paper the gym.  (DON’T GO TO THE GYM!  STAY AWAY FROM THE GYM!)  But Matt has to jerk off pee / get more toilet paper first.  When he does, he sees, among other things, the message “R.I.P. Vicki Donovan” written on the bathroom stall . . .

. . . a “touching” and appropriate memorial to a girl who undoubtedly had sex with many, many horny high schoolers in that very same stall . . .  (I wonder if the guy who undoubtedly wrote, “For a Good Time Call, Vicki Donovan,” in the adjoining stall, crossed it out, after she died, so as not to confuse other potty patrons.)

“Ummm . . . Matt.  You forgot to wash your hands.  Now, that’s just gross.”

As Matt leaves the stall, Vicki follows him out and calls out after him. (See, I told you she spent a lot of time in there!  Ghosts tend to haunt the places they spent the most time, while they were alive. ;))   But alas, he cannot hear her .  . . yet.

The Obedient and The Damned

I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think X rated thoughts about this screencap . . . I will not think . . .

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DOH!

We move from implied future Delena moments, to ACTUAL Forwood ones.  Tyler and Caroline are up against a wall in that increasingly dangerous hallway, having a fabulous makeout session.  But then, Caroline feels the need to MAJORLY harsh on all of our buzzes, by mentioning, Matt, of all people.  She hopes Matt will be OK, now that all his friends are (1) part of a Supernatural Scooby Gang that fights evil every week; and (2) all seem to be dating one another.

Tyler thinks Caroline has a great big undead heart.  And Caroline just wants everyone to be happy.  Tyler reassures her that he is happy . . . IN HIS PANTS!

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Last week, our opportunity for Forwood sex was rudely interrupted by Cockblock Elena, and her annoying insistence that Caroline save her Evil Dad.

“Are you just going to stand there, and watch?  Or would you like to join in?  Because Caroline may look like all prim and proper, but she can be SUPER FREAKY, if you catch my drift . . .” 

 This week, Elena apparently handed the cockblocking torch over to Rebekah, a.k.a “The New Girl,”  she proves just how strong she is, by knocking out Baby Vamp and Teen Wolf, in one swift movement (which happens off camera, unfortunately).

“I’d actually like to join in, if you don’t mind.” 

“REALLY!  That’s awesome . . . wait . . . why are you biting my neck so hard .  . . uh oh.”

 She then drags Tyler into the gym, where the rest of the Scooby Gang, sans Caroline (along with Not Now Dana and her boyfriend), are already conveniently waiting . . .

It’s probably a good thing Caroline isn’t around, right now.  (She’s busy being unconscious in the Dangerous Hallway.)  Because lord knows, she would certainly not enjoy what Klaus does next.   After force feeding the Teen Wolf his blood, Klaus snaps Tyler’s neck, killing him softly . . . and temporarily.

“Sorry Stefan, I have a new lover now.” 

“And he’s VERY cuddly.”

But, unlike a lot of the other death’s on this show, Tyler’s has a purpose.

Klaus explains to Bonnie that Tyler is now in transition to become a hybrid / were-vamp.  And we all know what happened to the OTHER hybrids, back in episode 2, right?

So yeah, pretty much, if Bonnie doesn’t figure how to get Tyler to NOT turn into a were-zombie, and eventually die, Klaus will kill Elena.  Bonnie has twenty minutes to figure this out, and she takes Matt with her.  I smell some nosebleeds in our future . . .

By the way, did anyone notice how quickly Mr. I Can’t Date Vampires, and Just Want to be Normal Matt adjusted to being a cast member on this show, in the past couple of episodes?  I mean, the guy just saw some random dude KILL his friend.  (Because, correct me if I’m wrong, no one actually had the chance to tell Matt about Klaus prior to this, right?) And he barely flinched.

“OK .  . . who’s up for some dodgeball?” 

I guess this makes him an honorary Scooby Gang member?  If they keep this up, it’s going to get to the point soon, where there are so many of them, that they won’t fit in Damon’s living room, for their weekly Kill Klaus meetings . . .

Meanwhile, Stefan has just de-staked himself, so he can join his pals in the gym.

“I’m getting too old for this sh*t.” 

With his tail between his legs, Stefan grovels to his boyfriend Klaus, wondering out loud how he could possibly make this up to him.  (Might I suggest a blow job?) Stefan then continues to prove to everyone what an AWFUL liar he is, by claiming that he doesn’t care about Elena.  So, Klaus tests this theory by WHACKING THE CRAP OUT OF HER.

(Remember what I said before about TVD opting not to go for the “domestic violence” route?  I guess I sort of have to take that back.)

“Ripper Stefan, may I have this dance?” 

When Stefan attacks Klaus, as Klaus (and the rest of us) knew that he would, Klaus takes the opportunity to get up close and personal with him, and compel his ass.  Stefan is instructed by Klaus’ big eyeballs (I love how they always zoom in on the eyes, during compulsion scenes . . . It’s SO HOT) to obey his every command without question.  Clever . . . but a bit late, if I do say so myself.

“I’m doing my best, DAMMIT!” 

Klaus justifies his NOT doing this three months ago, by saying that he simply hoped for Stefan’s loyalty.  My goodness, Klaus is just as naive as ELENA,  sometimes!  I mean, come on, did this  Hybrid Dick REALLY think that Stefan would still want to be his best buddy, on his own free will, after he KILLED HIS GIRLFRIEND, and her AUNT, and FORCED HIM to be his b*tch for ten years?  Klaus has officially become the super villain equivalent of those folks in the early audition rounds of American Idol who STILL believe they are genuinely talented, despite having singing voices that make William Hung sound like Bruno Mars . . .

So, remember Not Now Dana and her boyfriend, who Klaus compelled to play the longest game of Simon Says, ever?  Well, you can breathe a sigh of relief, because Klaus gave them a reprieve that allowed Dana to sit down, without her boyfriend murdering her (not exactly sure how that worked, by the way, since Klaus never got close enough to un-compel them).  Oh, wait, I lied, Obedient Stefan is going to kill BOTH OF THEM, because Klaus has just made him the best Simon Says player on the planet.

Farewell, Not Now Dana, may you find many unworthy couples to cockblock in Heaven . . .

iFind the Necklace

Over in the Dangerous Hallway, Caroline awakens to find Rebekah playing with her iPhone, which she has figured out how to use, surprisingly quickly, considering that, back in the 1920’s telephones were roughly the equivalent, of aluminum cans connected by copper wires.  “Where’s Tyler?” Caroline wonders groggily.

“This Angry Birds game is really addictive.” 

“He’s dead . . . ish,” replies Rebekah.  (See, VERY funny!)

While Rebekah is searching through Caroline’s pictures, she comes across one of Stefan and Elena, and pouts like a rejected candidate on The Bachelor.  She tries to delete the picture, but actually ends up zooming in on . . . you guessed it, the Magical Phantom Necklace.

Little Tattletale Rebekah, rushes in and attacks Elena.  “She has my necklace . . . make her tell me where it is,” she whines to Klaus.

Elena explains that Katherine has stolen it.  But, of course, all Klaus here’s is that Boyfriend Stefan lied to him AGAIN about not knowing where the necklace was.  And now for Klaus’ BIGGEST PRANK OF ALL . . . which, most of us, already knew would happen, based on viewing the promo Klaus sets the basketball time clock to 20 minutes.  He then compels Stefan to feed on Elena, when the clock runs down to zero, knowing full well that once he starts, he won’t be able to stop.

RUH ROH!

Let’s check in on Team Useless, shall we?

Anyone up for a swim?

Despite knowing how INCREDIBLY limited her time is, Bonnie decides to LEAVE THE SCHOOL and drive to I See Dead People Jeremy’s house, since she needs him to contact the Original Witch.  Bad Boyfriend Jeremy is apparently too busy hanging out in the trunks of cars to answer his girlfriend’s text messages!  (How dare he?)

NAUGHTY BOY!  You will be punished! 

Matt heads back to the weight room . . . because this whole Everyone is Being Held Hostage by Klaus thing, has TOTALLY interfered with his workout.  There, he finds a Hansel and Gretel type trail of his clothing (Seriously, this guy must wear like 80 layers of clothes!), which leads him all  the way back to the pool area.

“Hey, who’s bra is this?” 

Matt’s car keys are at the bottom of the pool.   So, he starts to strip down to go get them.  (NOW, we’re talking!)

But then Vicki starts text messaging him, about being able to “help.”

“I’ve always wondered what type of text messaging plans they get in Purgatory. ” 

Now, I don’t know if Matt’s “Big Idea on How to Talk to his Dead Sister / Save the World” came from HIM, or from Vicki.  But, wherever it came from, it was INCREDIBLY STUPID.   Matt reasons that if Jeremy can talk to dead people, because he died and came back to life, if MATT dies, he can talk to dead people too.  So, Matt calls Bonnie who’s lord knows where, and tells him to come save her life with her not-so-magical CPR lessons.

“Can you hear me now?  Well, you won’t hear me when I’m dead.  Then again . . . maybe you will.” 

Then he ties a weight to his stomach, and jumps into the pool (fully clothed, unfortunately) to drown himself . . .

“The kid’s got spunk.” 

Wait . . . HOLD UP.  Isn’t the reason Jeremy sees dead people the fact that he ACTUALLY died, and was brought back by magic?  Are we supposed to believe that Matt will be able to talk to dead people, simply because he passed out underwater?  Wouldn’t that mean that EVERYONE who almost drowns, and is revived by CPR should be talking to the dead?  Just sayin . . .

Anywhoo, Bonnie DOES conveniently make it to the pool in time to drag Matt out, and start tongue kissing administering CPR on him.

“Damn you, for making me mess up my hair, like this, Matt.” 

While she sucks his face, Matt DOES have a quick “In the Afterlife” chat with Vicki, during which she passes IMPORTANT INFORMATION on to Bonnie about the Hybrid Spell Thingy.   And don’t ask me how she knows this information .  . . since I thought only Anna knew.  But . . . whatever . . .

” .  . . so that’s what happens at the end of Sixth Sense.  Would you like me to spoil any other movies for you?”

Back in the gym, the Bite THAT Doppelganger gameshow is still going on, and our contestant Stefan is getting a bit restless . . .

Time’s UP!

We are now down to six minutes on the time clock.  So, of course, it is time for Elena to monologue annoyingly to Stefan about how he can BEAT this.  Elena remembers how Caroline’s dad somehow resisted compulsion.  She thinks that Stefan can do this too, if he just FOCUSES ON HIS GREAT LOVE FOR HER.  (And if the audience just believes in fairies and claps their hands really har, Tinkerbell will come back to life!)

“You mess with my fairytale, I’ll kick your butt!” 

Then, Elena tells him that he OWES it to her, just to snack on her blood, and not be such a PIG about it, which I guess is true . . . Though, given the fact that Stefan has saved Elena’s life about 25 times by now, one could just as easily argue that they are about even.  And he owes her nothing.

Whether or not his moral debts to Elena are actually paid, Stefan thinks Elena’s Speech is a Big Ole Crock of Sh*t, and tells her as much.  “I can’t help what I am,” he says, echoing Damon’s words to her from last week.  “The more blood I get the more I want.  And if I get so much as near yours, you are dead.”

How’s that for a Hallmark Card statement?  Romantic, right?

“If you don’t stop with these inspirational speeches, I’ll eat you, just to shut you up!”

Meanwhile, Tyler awakens next to Caroline, and learns that he is a hybrid in transition, who may or may not turn into a were zombie and die soon.  I notice that he isn’t acting nearly as weird or sick, as the were zombies from The Hybrid.  But that’s OK, I guess.

“Why do I feel like death?” 

Now, here’s the bugs me a little bit.  When Bonnie rushes in to tell Klaus that the Original Witch confirmed, through Vicki that the Doppelganger needs to be dead for Klaus to be able to make hybrids.   Though, I suspect this is what Klaus thought ALL ALONG.  Now, suddenly he has another idea on how to save his hybrid army . . .

During this time, the time clock runs down to zero, and Stefan rushes toward Elena to eat her.  To his credit, he DOES seem capable of fighting the compulsion a little bit, by grabbing on to walls and stuff, to slow himself down, and give Elena a chance to get away.  But he soon finds that Elena runs much too slow, even for this.

“Come on, Elena.  My Grandma runs faster than you.” 

So, Stefan decides to stake himself . . . again . . .

Klaus intervenes, and him and Stefan fight again, which, of course, gives Klaus the opportunity to correct his compulsion.  This time, he compels Stefan to TURN OFF HIS HUMANITY.

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“Hey Stefan, have you ever had sex with an Original Werevamp?  Would you like to?  I’ll take that as a yes.”

Even as a staunch Delena fan, I must admit, I found this quite tragic, as Stefan pleaded with Klaus not to do this to him, knowing precisely what it would entail.  And then, after it happened seeing Stefan staring vacantly into space, against the wall, was pretty darn creepy.

“I fixed him,” Klaus tells a heartbroken Elena, gleefully.

“You must be a Delena fan too.” 

Klaus then, once again, compels Stefan to eat Elena.  This time, Stefan rushes toward his victim, without staking himself, or bumping into walls.  So, in that sense, Klaus is correct about fixing him . . .

Someone needs a little Visine . . . 

In the following scene, we see Klaus offering a supposedly dying Tyler a vial of an apparently, still alive, Elena’s blood.

“Mmm . . . Elena tastes a bit like tequila.” 

Apparently, Klaus has magically figured out that the Original Witch has been pulling his leg all along.  Contrary to what he originally thought, he NEVER needed to KILL the Petrova Doppelganger to become a hybrid.   On the contrary, it is the Doppelganger’s blood that completes the transition from werewolf to were-zombie to were-vamp.

Werevamp Tyler looks a little like the boy from The Grudge .  . . 

Apparently, the Original Witch lied to Klaus, figuring that even if he succeeded in turning hybrid, which he did, if he KILLED the Doppelganger, he would never be able to build his Hybrid Dick Harem.  Tyler hesistates for all of about two seconds, before downing his friends blood.  The blood then starts leaking out of his mouth, and doing gross things.  But that’s OK, because then Tyler sort-of/ kind of shifts into his FIRST were vamp minion.  And Klaus is VERY, VERY pleased . . .

The Aftermath

Caroline and Tyler leave the school, seeming oddly happy, considering all that just went down right in front of their noses.  Tyler claims he feels better and stronger than ever.  And to prove it, he lifts Caroline up in the air, like she weighs nothing at all, which, always makes a girl feel awesome.  “This is going to be a GREAT YEAR,” Tyler whispers lovingly to Caroline.  Famous last words, Tyler.  Considering your officially Klaus’ bitch now, something tells me your year is going to SUCK, literally . . .

But hey, at least now, you and Caroline can be eternal life partners now!  And if you thought werewolf/vampire sex was good, you can imagine just how AMAZING vampire / hybrid sex will be!  (See, it always pays to look on the bright side of things!)

Elsewhere, Bonnie chastizes Matt for killing himself on the rare chance that he might be able to commune with the dead.  She reminds her buddy that he had the perfect opportunity to lead a normal life, and he pretty much just flushed it down the toilet.  Matt agrees, but, honestly, doesn’t seem all that torn up about the death of his so-called innocence.  He requests some time alone, to say goodbye to Vicki.  And this time, when she appears, he actually sees her.

“Now that you see me, would you mind calling Damon, and telling him I’d very much like to dance with him again?” 

(I’d say, YAY, to this, if I didn’t remember Anna saying that Vicki is evil now . . .  Sorry Matt, maybe next time you’ll think twice about stapping weights to your body, when you want to go for a swim . . .)

I’m sure you all are wondering how Elena’s doing, right?  Now that Ripper Stefan 3.0 (Now EMOTION FREE!) has dined on her neck . . .

We find Elena in a hospital bed.  (Phew!)  Unfortunately, the nurse caring for her has been compelled to take MORE blood from Elena, not put blood back, so that Klaus can use it for his were-vamp army!

Cue Damon’s arrival . . . FINALLY!  Our hero (who admittedly didn’t get to do much heroing this week), meets up with Klaus, and the two rape eachother, for a few seconds, which I have come to believe is their equivalent of a Secret Handshake.  Damon gets Klaus to stop raping him, by telling him that Big Bad Vampire Hunter Michael is back, so you better run.

And run, is exactly what Klaus and Rebekah plan to do.  After all, now that they have enough Doppelganger blood to convert a few werewolves into playmates for Klaus.  There’s plenty of fun to be had, outside Mystic Falls.  Rebekah inquires whether Klaus is really just doing all this hybrid-making stuff, so that he doesn’t have to be alone.  And Klaus actually gets a little weepy.

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*sniffle sniffle*

Really?  I’ll give you a hint, Klaus, if you want to make more friends, you might start by not TRYING TO KILL THREE-QUARTERS OF THE PEOPLE YOU MEET.   Most people don’t really like that . . .

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Sorry, Buddy.  It had to be said . . .

Damon then finds Elena at the hospital, and looks at her with a mixture of adoration, guilt and concern.

Then, in a perfect parallel to Damon’s rescue of Elena following The Sacrifice . . .

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 .  . . the Elder Salvatore Brother lifts her up and carries her out of the hospital back to his bedroom La Casa de Rich and Awesome, where she can remain safe in his warm muscular arms.  *sigh*

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“I promise you, I will never leave you again.”

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In his living room, Damon offers Elena some bourbon, and a part of me is secretly hoping that he’s doing it to get her wasted, so that he can have his way with her.

But no, this is GOOD Damon, we are talking about here.  Want an example of just how GOOD Damon is to Elena?  He offers to take her memories away, so she doesn’t have to be traumatized by the memories of her boyfriend going all Hannibal Lecter on her neck.

Some thoughts on this . . .  On one hand, this is a HUGELY unselfish, self-sacrificing gesture on Damon’s part.  After all, if he did it, Elena would undoubtedly, still remember Stefan as the boyfriend he once was, and pine after him, annoyingly, for the rest of the season.  This would obviously SERIOUSLY hinder Damon’s efforts at getting laid, among other things.

It also shows a shift in Damon’s ideas about what responsibility he has toward Elena.  Remember, back after “The Last Dance,” when Damon and Stefan argued over Damon’s decision not to tell Elena that Bonnie wasn’t really dead.  Then, Damon reasoned that breaking Elena’s heart, and potentially traumatizing her, was OK, as long as it ultimately kept her alive.

Damon’s removal of Elena’s memory would NOT be necessary to keep her alive.  (More on this, in a bit)  But it would be necessary to keep her happy.  Thus, showing that Damon’s love for Elena has grown to such an extent that he now, not only wants to keep her safe, but to keep her happy as well.

While completely romantic, this is troubling in its own way.  After all, if Elena’s memory of this episode was erased, she would undoubtedly head off on some crazy suicide mission to find Stefan again, which, would send her right into Klaus’ clutches, which, now we know, WOULDN’T immediately kill her, but it would pretty much assure her a life of slavery, and an eventual death by blood draining.

Fortunately, we don’t have to worry about this too much, because Elena refused to forget.  “I need to remember all of it,” Elena says staunchly.

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Then Damon gives Elena back her necklace, as he seems to do, just about every other episode now.  (Seriously, girlfriend, put that thing in a security locker, or something. :))  To be honest, I was disappointed he didn’t physically put it on her neck, this time.  But what we ended up getting was much better . . .

“He’s really gone, this time,” Elena says sadly.  “I saw it happen.  After everything we went through to save him, he’s just gone.”

Then Elena looks up at Damon with her big doe eyes, and asks, in a voice filled with vulnerabililty, and childlike insistence, “Where were you, Damon?”

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Damon then moves close to Elena, looks straight into her eyes, and clasps both her hands.  He then speaks to her, his voice trembling with guilt, devotion, and, above all love, “I shouldn’t have left.  I promise you.  I will never leave you again.”

Elena smiles.  And then they make sweet, sweet love on the Salvatore Floor . . .

Or at least they WOULD HAVE, if EVIL Stefan didn’t come to Cockblock.  “Well, well, well, isn’t this cozy?”  He says meanly.  (Though, honestly, he’s never looked hotter.)

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Apparently, Klaus has sent Stefan to keep his eye on his human blood bank, and her new lover.  Well . . . THAT’S certainly going to make things awkward . . .

Rise, Darth Vader Michael the Vampire Hunter

Elsewhere, Jeremy and Katherine (now there’s a pairing you don’t see everyday) come upon a church where Anna says Michael is buried.

Inside, there is a single tomb.  Katherine opens it, and sees and old dead dude, bound by heavy chains.  His eyes open abruptly.  The Vampire Hunter has officially returned .  . .

Peekaboo!  (I see you!) 

Next week’s installment, promises lots of RIPPING from Ripper Stefan, along with some sexually tense training in Vampire Fighting 101 between Damon and Elena *claps madly.*

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Oh, and Alaric’s back . . . Elena never did get the chance to glue his desk shut, did she?  Pity .  . .

You can check out the various promos for the episode, here:

Now, it’s your turn.  Sound off on all the crazy twists and turns of “The Reckoning” :  Emotion Free Stefan, Soon-to-be Less Lonely Klaus, Hybrid Tyler, Ghost Whisperer Matt, Wants-Badly-to-Have-Sex-with-Damon-Elena ;), and most importantly, MICHAEL.  Feel free to use the comment section, to BITE into all the juicy elements of this episode.  And remember, Ripper Stefan will be watching . . .

Until next time . . .

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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