Tag Archives: 3b

Stiles-ception – A (Ridiculously Late) Recap of Teen Wolf’s Season 3B Premiere “Anchors”

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“Is this real? Am I real?  Is this even a real door?  If I repeatedly bang my head on it, will I figure it out?  Ouch . . . ouch . . . ouch, maybe not.”

What’s up, my fellow Werebangers!  I missed you!

ep 8 i love you twg

How was your New Years?  Did you dance?

stiles dancing at gay bar melchiors

Meet any new and interesting people?

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Die in a bath tub, and come back to life, only to realize you’ve somehow forgotten how to read?

cold stiles

read good

cant read good

(Don’t worry if this happens to be the case.  Most of this blog post will be pictures anyway . . . :))

Wherever you’ve been, whatever you’ve done, worry not!  Your Werebanger Family welcomes you back with open arms.

ep 8 stiles dad hug fyeah

So, lets get on with this recap, shall we?

nodding oh yeah

[As always, a big werewolfy round of applause for my good pal Andre, who in addition to being the Lean Mean Screencapping Machine who generously provided us with all the awesome pictures you see here, also happens to be a pretty kickass person, in general.]

Sleeping with Stiles . . .

sleeping stilessss

Teen Wolf . . . it’s no longer just a show you watch to see hot guys take their shirts off, flex their muscles, and get all sweaty with one another . . .

(Though that, in and of itself, is a pretty good reason to watch the show.)

ep 9 no fit gravyjones

more shirtless male review

shirtless issac

This is show is educational!  You learn stuff here!  For example, this week on Teen Wolf, I learned about the Tibetan Buddhist concept of “Bardo,”which from what I gather, is basically a cross between Purgatory, and whatever the f*&k happened on the last season of Lost  . . .

state between life and death

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“So you mean to tell me all this time, we thought we were battling Baddies, Bionic Bears, and Black Smoke in a jungle, we were really just sitting around in this lame old church?”

Also, I learned from Stiles all the nifty tricks you can use to tell that your dreaming, while you are actually dreaming .  . . you know, for all those times you find yourself possibly-but-maybe-not asleep, and don’t have on hand Leonardo DiCaprio’s Magical Spinning Top from Inception . . .

spinning-top-inception

We start the episode off in bed with Stiles, which is as good a place as any to start off a series, AM I RIGHT ladies (and men)?

hi stiles

We know immediately that Stiles is dreaming, by the way he’s sweating, rapidly blinking his eyes, moaning amorously, curling his toes under his blanket, and thrusting upward, while he grabs on to his sheets for dear life .  . .

amorous sleeping stiles

Unfortunately for us fans, it ended up not being one of THOSE kind of dreams.  But we totally see where you were going with this, Jeff Davis, you naughty minx, you .  . .

gives me joy

At the start of the “Dream,” Stiles comes out of the closet . . . er . . . I mean the locker . . .

stiles comes out

“I feel so liberated!”

Then, Stiles takes a long slow glance in the mirror to remind fans how buff he’s gotten during the hiatus .  . .

buff stiles

“Someone’s been sneaking Wheaties into my Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs . .  .”

Stiles hears a sound, so he goes to investigate.  This is what he finds . . .

evil tree

“Don’t you just hate it when an Evil Tree crashes through your classroom, and then tries to eat you?”

feed me seymour

feed me

I know I do!

Then, Stiles “wakes up” only to learn that he’s slept through his entire courtship with Lydia!  Apparently, they’ve gone from “heat of the moment” first kiss partners, to bed buddies, who sleep together on school nights and massage one other’s arms after nightmares, in the span of less than two episodes . . .

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“Is it Season 5, already?”

This is the moment I usually realize that I’m dreaming . .  . when things are simply too good to be true. . .

stiles

Stiles breaks the fourth wall at this point in the narrative, leading us to believe that he realizes he’s still dreaming as well . . .

stiles looks at camera

“I can’t really be this much of a pimp, yet . . . CAN I?”

And while most hot blooded teens would take advantage of their Super Awesome Dream, by say .  . .  taking this unique opportunity to do away with a certain Pesky Virginity Problem .  . .

sex me now 2

Stiles, being the tragic hero we know him to be, decides instead to go and CLOSE THE DOOR . .  .

door

3 the door 1st

This concept of THE DOOR, is one that presents itself throughout the episode.  Throughout the hour, we see Stiles and Allison, in their dreamlike states opening doors that they shouldn’t, doors that release evil spirits, funky trees, and b*tchy dead aunts into the ether.  We learned last season from Deaton, that “dying and returning to life in a bathtub” opened a seemingly figurative, but possibly literal, door in the characters’ minds, through which some pretty nasty Big Bads can pass through, if they aren’t careful.

in tub

Notice how adamant Dream Lydia was against Stiles closing the door to his room / mind.  This reminded me a bit of something Leonardo DiCaprio’s character in Inception said about dream characters becoming violent toward anyone or anything that might disrupt the dream.  Perhaps, Dream Lydia didn’t want Stiles to close the door in his dream, because if he did, it would end his Bardo, thereby closing off the possibility of the evil demons connected to the Evil Tree / Nemeton breaking free into the Real World.

lyd screams

That would make Dream Lydia kind of evil.  So maybe it was a good thing Stiles didn’t have sex with her . . .

Then again, Stiles never actually closes the door.  Instead he WALKS THROUGH IT, thereby exposing himself, once again to the Nemeton, and the horrors of sleep paralysis . . . which, some might say, was a worse result than if he simply ignored the door and started humping his lady love. . .

wake uppppp

“DAMMIT, YOU MEAN TO TELL ME I COULD HAVE GOTTEN LAID!”

wake uppppp stiles

We then see Stiles wake up, go to school and tell Scott all about his theories about waking dreams, and how his, in particular, might be related to the Sacrifice to the Nemeton that the three of them made last season.  Scott grunts, stares at his friend dumbfounded, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever intelligent or helpful to say, as per usual.  Everyone in the class pretends the two boys don’t exist, despite the fact that they are both rather attractive, have great bodies, and are talking very loudly about very weird sh*t .  . .  also as per usual.  Everything seems normal enough.  But Stiles still feels like something is off . . .

is this real babe

And that’s when he wakes up again . . . for real this time . . . maybe . . .

stiles and dad

In a sense, Stiles’ intense self awareness and extensive knowledge of dream states functions as both a blessing and a curse for him.  On one hand, Stiles is more likely than any other character on the show to instinctively realize he is dreaming.  Therefore, he would theoretically have the easiest time lucidly navigating his own dream world, and, when necessary, waking himself up.  On the other hand, Stiles’ innate ability to detect dreamlike things in everyday occurrences will undoubtedly cast a pall of strangeness on every aspect of his life, leaving him perpetually uncertain as to whether he is ALWAYS AWAKE or ALWAYS ASLEEP.

stiles and the new pack

This has led some to speculate that Stiles may already be dead (either from the tub, or from the car accident he experienced later that same episode), and that the entire second half of the season is taking place in his (unconscious?) (comatose?) (purgatoried?) mind . . .

ep 9 stiles hale tumblr going to die

In short, the cold open to Season 3B was about twenty times more meta than anything we’ve seen on the show, thus far.  But I liked it.  Unlike most dream sequences in teen shows, which bash you on the head with their symbolism  (Common Example 1: A precocious student is afraid of bombing her SATs.  So, she has a dream that she bombs her SATs, and ends up a homeless bum.  Common Example 2: A woman fears her Bad Boy boyfriend lacks ambition.  So she has a dream that she marries him, and ends up living in a dirty trailer park with 10 kids, married to her Bad Boy boyfriend, who is now a fat, burping, unemployed mess.), Stiles dreams were subtle, confusing, and disjointed.  They didn’t insult viewers’ intelligence, by tying everything up in a nice pretty Bardo Bow.  And that made them seem more like . . . well . . . real dreams . . .

dream bigger

I still wanted to see Stiles get dream laid though . . .

stiles with wolf hat

My Shadow Self

As is usually the case on this show,  other characters experience Real Problems, while Scott experiences things that are mildly annoying, but also kind of fun / funny.

nails

“My Shadow Self really needs a manicure.”

manicured

“If you think it, it will come . . .”

Allison has 100% turned into Haley Joe Osment’s character from The Sixth Sense . . .

i see dead people

Complete with cold gusts of air coming out of her mouth, every time she encounters the dead . . .

cold alli

“Oooh, either it’s getting a little nippley in here . . . or I just stumbled into a commercial for breath mints.”

breath mint

She’s also hallucinating entire trips to the hospital mortuary on her walks to school, and may or may not be suffering from multiple personality disorder  . . .

two allisons

“Which one of us do you think looks better in this outfit, Me or me?”

To top that off, her hands are shaking constantly, as if she’s suffering from DTs, so she can’t shoot her bow and arrow for sh*t, and her pesky zombie dead aunt, not only can’t seem to leave her alone, but almost made her  kill her best friend, and TOTALLY cockblocked her Awesome Dream Sex with Isaac. . .

peekaboo i see

“Helllooooo?   Anybody in there?”

whassuppp

“Sup, girl?”

BabyScared

shooting

hello again its me

“Hey again.  If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you were avoiding me, Allison?”

see me

“Was it something I said?   Is it because I have zombie breath?”

surprised-face

woah

“Woah, Allison, there are much easier ways to make sure you win prom queen than scalping the competition .  . .”

shexy

“Oh Isaac, I’ve wanted this for at least three episodes so long.”

cock block 1

“Hey girl!  Can I get in on this too?  Argent Family Threesome?”

not an orgasm

“Worst . . . orgasm . . . EVER!”

So, I’d say that’s all pretty sucky.  Stiles, as we know, can’t tell whether he’s asleep or awake . . . like ALL THE TIME.  He may, in fact, already be dead . . .  As if that wasn’t bad enough, the sole income earner in his family either just got fired from his job by his best friend’s bio dad .  . .

sheriff do not remove

more files

. . . and /or became a serious hoarder.  And to top it off, in the past couple of days, Stiles has officially become a barely functioning illiterate who can’t count to ten . . . .

cant read

weird writing

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So, in what horrible way has Scott been affected by the ritual sacrifice you ask?  Well, his shadow is being sort of a pain in the ass . . .

peter pan

“My shadow has officially become more attractive than I am.  Now, I know how Peter Pan felt. . .”

take off shadow

“I am SO done competing with this douchebag.  Off he goes!”

And his best friend is crushing on his ex . . .

fly isa

weeeee

“Weeee . . .  I’m flying.  Hey Scott, is this what it feels like to have sex with Allison?

Oh, and he’s also experiencing a massive case of dry eyes / anger management issues!

red eye scott

nothing to see here

“Nothing to see here.  This is totally normal.  I treat my friend like he’s the Hunchback of Notre Dame all the time!”

pain

“You wouldn’t like me when I’m horny . . . “

smash 2

In  other words, it’s nothing a little Visine, and a pep talk from Mommy about how he’ll find love again, couldn’t cure . . .

visine

mommy dearest

“You don’t need a girlfriend to keep you from turning into a monster, Scott.  Remember what that nice man Anthony Bates said in Psycho, ‘A boy’s best friend is his mother . . .’ “

janet leigh pyscho scream

ep 8 more shower scott 2

Perhaps, that wasn’t the best example.

So, to summarize, Stiles and Allison are going through Hell.  And Scott?  Well, he’s going through puberty . . .

That’s Sign Language for “You’re totally f*&ked.”

all signing

signage

Have you ever had one of those dreams, where it’s the end of the semester, and you realize that you totally spaced and forgot to attend one of your classes.  And now,  suddenly, you have to go take a final for a class for which you’ve never even cracked open a book?

ep 8 funny stiles

Well, imagine that the class was Sign Language 101.  And you arrive to find everyone repeatedly, and angrily motioning toward you in a way that might be the Macarena dance, for all the significance it has to you.

1996_macarena

That’s what happens to poor Stiles in this episode.  Fortunately, our trusty old Coach Crackpot is there to wake our hero up from his nightmare.  The problem, of course, is that, while all this was happening, Stiles wasn’t actually sleeping.   He was . . . drawing . . .

wake up scrib

But wait . . . check out the shape of Stiles’ incessant scribble of “Wake Ups.”  Does it look like anything to you?  Because it sure as heck looks like an “anchor” to me . . . as in .  . . THE TITLE OF THIS EPISODE .  . .

anhor

ep 5 more oral fixation stiles tyler

Here’s a theory.  You know how all the werewolves require a mental “anchor” to keep themselves from wolfing out at inopportune moments.  What if to escape “Bardo,” our heroes also need an anchor to keep them “tied down” to the real living world, which is becoming increasingly hard for them to reach?

nodding oh yeah

Kind of like the “anchors” who first guided our heroes into the Ritual Ice Bath Sacrifice in the first place?  (i.e. Lydia for Stiles, Isaac for Allison, Deaton for Scott, or according to Scott’s mother, Scott for Scott).

About that whole “Bardo” Concept . . .

So, it just occurred to me that I’ve been going about this  recap kind of backwards, in the sense that I’ve been consistently referring to this Bardo Concept, without explaining how this information was actually introduced to our characters . . .

verbal keyboard smash

It all started with Lydia, who was taking way too much joy in the fact that she was no longer the token wackadoo of the group . . . i.e. the one who screamed really loudly at really inappropriate times for no reason at all, occasionally drugged her friends with wolfsbane, and had a strange tendency to wander around in the forest naked in the middle of the night .. . (Well, actually, she’s still that person.  But now all her friends are acting just as nuts.)

no longe crazy

She also really, really wanted to figure out what the heck was going on with all her friends.

(By the way, you would think that a BANSHEE would be a bit more attuned to the fact that her entire social circle is potentially half-dead.  But whatever . . .)

you crazy

“Well, you all can’t be THAT dead, because I’m not screaming my head off.  Then, again, if all of this is just a dream in Stiles’ head then . . . at least his subconscious put me in a cute outfit.”

And while Lydia was busy being totally stumped by the situation, someone else had already figured things out.  Meet Kira . . .

teehee

She’s the new girl in school.  This is her dad . . . who is a history teacher, and who is inexplicably teaching Kira’s history class, despite the fact that the school is pretty large and likely has at least two other history teachers on the faculty who weren’t murdered by evil Druids . . .

new guy

“I really don’t want to be a history teacher.  History teachers never survive supernatural teen shows.  Can’t I teach gym, or woodworking?  How about making me a nice lunch lady?  No one ever kills the lunch lady.  I’d even be willing to wear a hairnet.”

Some have speculated that Kira (or her dad) might be the foxy kitsune who gets into our Scooby Gang’s heads this half of the season, and functions as its trickstery, mental manipulating big bad.  But, for now, all we know about her is that she knows all about Tibetan Buddhism and Bardo, totally believes Scott and Co. are hallucinating and stuff because they are about to croak.  Oh, and Scott thinks she’s a total hottie.  Anywhoo, I’m sure we haven’t seen the last of this chick . . .

Speaking of Characters Whose Sole Purpose Seems to Be to Explain Complicated Tidbits of Mythology to the Audience. . .

oooh

He pops up just in time to tell the kiddies what we all pretty much figured out from the promos.  Basically, that whole ritual sacrifice thingy, which actually had nothing at all to do with the finale or how Darach Jenny was ultimately defeated has made them Stiles, Scott and Allison, nutzo.  And so they all need to  . . . wait for it . . . close the doors in their brains to keep them from going straight to hell and letting all the evil demons escape into the world, just like they keep threatening to do but never actually do on The Vampire Diaries  . . .

demons

helpful

Don’t worry Isaac.  At least you were more helpful than Deaton, this week!

In Seemingly Unrelated News . . .

This guy . . .

le douche

 . . . is a total douche, who is trying to take Stiles’ dad’s Sheriff job away, seemingly just because that’s the kind of thing douches do.

Stiles’ dad, of course, wants to keep his job, and randomly decides that solving a REALLY, REALLY cold case involving a missing little girl who IF she was still alive she’s totally still alive would be Stiles’ age now, is precisely the way to do it . . .

Meet, not really dead Malia Tate . . .

malia tate

Her mother and sister(?) were killed in what may or may not have been a wolf mauling, but her body was never found. Malia Tate looks a bit like a younger version of this lady, Shelly Hennig, who has signed on to be a “Super Secret Important Character on this Show.”

malia older

They even have the same side part in their hair!

For reasons that don’t quite make sense to me, Stiles’ dad decides to visit Malia’s slightly strange, and very pissed off, still grieving father, who has a strange obsession with, and seeming hatred, for coyotes  . . .

holding trap

“Coyotes are evil.  My missing daughter and/or I might be a were-coyote.

  . . . so that Scott can quite literally sniff around Malia’s room, and see if he can pick up her scent, despite her not having lived in the house for about ten years . . .

smelling stuff

She must have been a really smelly girl?

Scott can’t seem to latch on to Malia’s body odor.  But he and Stiles do have a fun little encounter with another smelly creature .. .

hanging with doggy

“Please let me join your pack.  I’m already house trained.”

cute dog

“I’m also a very good finder.”

Stiles and Scott narrowly escape the Tate home without being discovered by Creepy Papa Tate.  Later that night, the two of them head off into the night in search of Malia’s dead body.  (Riiiiiight, because this strategy of searching for dead things in the forest has served them both so well in the past . . .)

teen wolf chewed body

And while they don’t locate Malia’s corpse, the best friends do come upon one of her baby dolls, which, just so happens to have the best working batteries of any toy I’ve ever seen  . . .

hungry

What toy works that well after 10 years?  Even the Chuckie doll  from the Child’s Play series has started to show signs of slowing down, and he’s possessed by an honest-to-goodness serial killer . . .

Later that night, Scott stumbles upon a coyote or wolf (I’m not really good at differentiating between K-9’s) and is inexplicably convinced it’s Malia . . .

malia

It’s important to note that the creature .. .  whatever it is . . .  has blue eyes, which means it has killed innocents (possibly its own family members . . . possibly by accident, during a Full Moon turn).  So, who is it . . . Malia Tate?   Her father?  The Mysterious Kira?  It’s probably too soon to know for sure.

Oh, and for those of you who have been wondering where Derek and Sassy Peter have been all episode . . . the answer will shock you . . .

hostage

electroshock therapy

electrifying

Poor Derek!  He can’t even make it through one episode without having his manhood burned and denigrated in some way.  But hey, at least he still looks good shirtless . . .

ep 9 yeah shirtless derek

Some thing never change . . .

Next week on Teen Wolf . . .

And if that didn’t whet your appetite, perhaps this will . . .

http://www.mtv.com/shows/teen_wolf/ep-14-sneak-peek/991310/video/#id=1719787

Until next time, Werebangers!  Sweet dreams . . .

stydia kiss 5

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Is this a bad time? – A Recap of the Mid-Season Premiere of Pretty Little Liars, “She’s Better Now”

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Hola, my Pretties!  And welcome back to Rosewood, a town where everybody knows your nAme, and nobody ever uses  a lowercase “A”.  . .

back bitches

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“Is this a bad time?”  Those are the first words out of Mona van derWaal’s mouth in the new season, as she hovers creepily over a sleeping Hanna’s bed in the middle of the night.

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I heard a song once that says, “There’s a time for every purpose, under Heaven.”

And while that’s a nice sentiment, I firmly believe that there are some things for which it is NEVER a good time.  For instance, here’s a hint for you, Supposedly-Not-Crazy-Anymore MONA.  There is NEVER a good time to break into someone’s house and hover over them, while they sleep, because you want them to be your friend again, despite your once having tried to run them over with your car . . .

awkward 2

There is also never a good time to stalk down your school’s hallways, brandishing a cow’s brain on a sharp steak knife . . . except, perhaps, if you are trying to feed a pack of hungry zombies, and feel the cow’s brain is preferable to your own brain as a meal choice.

Spencer, there is never a good time to sit in the hot tub with Evil Abs Toby.  I don’t care how sexy his six-pack looks underwater, or how good it feels when his wet hands massage your back.

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peeinhottub

Oh, and Aria?  There is never a good time to wear an outfit that looks like this . . .

aria outfit

Though I suspect there are some who would disagree with me.  Like This Guy . . .

madagascar gif

Those Rosewood girls, they never learn. Let’s review, shall we?

Grand Theft Toby

It’s a well-known fact that you are nobody in Rosewood, until someone in a black hoodie tries to run you down in their car.

ahhh

This seems to be sort of a rite of passage in this quaint town, where members of the illustrious A-team seem to drive around all night, every night, with literally nothing to do but to dig up long-dead corpses’ bodies, and play “Hulk, SMASH!” with the toesies of innocent bystanders.

hulk smash

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In that case, Welcome to the Club, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude!  You’ve just been Grand Theft Tobied . . .

evil toby

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You weren’t really planning on using that Big Toe, anyway, were you, Lucas Random Skateboard Dude?

“Please stick a fork in my neck”

fork in my neck

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It’s been a banner morning for the PLL girls.  Emily’s under house arrest, because her dad would prefer that psychos wearing hoodies not run over her toes with a car, thank you very much.  Sound over protective?  Sure, except when you remember that, a few weeks back, THIS DOUCHE tried to have Emily and her New Girlfriend killed . . . because he’d already killed her old one . . .

creepy nate

Hanna’s just learned that she has a crazy cousin Heshy, who once served his parents rusty nails drenched in milk for breakfast.  No wonder the poor girl has had issues with food all her life!  I wonder if being a Rusty Nail-Eating Loony Tune is genetic . . .

this is me thinking

All of Aria’s friends now think her dad killed Ali, because he hung out with her the night she died.  For what it’s worth, Aria, I don’t think your dad’s a murderer, I just think he’s a major asshole . . .

douche dad

His shirts are also way too tight.

But that’s not all.   The most petite PLL just found out her father’s mistress is teaching her class in U.S. Government.  And the Slutty Wench just confiscated her iPhone!

history not me

Remember that time when this biatch was in the movie Center Stage, and we actually didn’t want to stick a fork in her neck?

center stage

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Talk about history!

Is it any wonder Aria is talking about gouging herself with eating utensils?

fork to kill self

Speaking of Bad Days . . .

MOOOOOOve over Mona !

mad cow swine flu

mad cow

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True Story . . . when I was in sixth grade, my school made me dissect a cow’s brain.  It was slimy, and smelled bad.  Plus, multiple times during the dissection, I could have sworn that I heard it Moo.

2 11 cows happy

Needless to say, the image of the stabbed brain in Mona’s locker, and it’s cryptic accompanying message, “It takes one mad cow to know another,” brought back some bad memories for me.

“Is that a brain?”  Hanna asks helpfully, when her erstwhile friend makes the MOO-orbid locker discovery.

Good call, Hanna!  I thought it was a cupcake!

1 13 pig cupcakes

Hanna helpfully suggests that Mona close her locker door, brains and all.  Maybe nobody will notice!  Especially not in a place like Rosewood, where people murder lab rats, and keep random body parts in their lockers all the time!

But Mona will not go quietly.  Instead she stabs that knife deeper into that cow brain and holds it proudly in the air, as she takes a long walk down the hallway.  Yeah, because THAT doesn’t look crazy at all.

walking with brain

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“What’s the matter?  Never seen a brainy girl before?”

In most school’s Mona’s ridiculous actions would land her a first-class trip right back to the loony bin where she belongs. But here in Crazy Town, this is just another day . . . and perhaps, an opportunity for another YouTube video . . .

After her little Catwalk of Crazy, Mona whispers something cryptic in Lucas’ ear, and stalks back down the hallway.  Hanna tries to find out what she said, but Lucas just limps away guiltily.  Poor Lucas!  It looks like he may have needed that Big Toe, after all!

cute lucas

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Remember back when Lucas was funny and adorable like this?  I miss that!

Many fans suspect that Mona told Lucas that he should help her make THIS video, which became a Rosewood YouTube sensation, shortly after the whole brain incident.  It also made the obvious psychopath instantly well liked and popular, because apparently Rosewood High is a School for the Dumb.

draco malfoy facepalm

Anyway, the video . . . here it is, in its entirety:

Do you think that’s Lucas on the other end of the camera?  Feel free to shout out your opinions in the comment section.

But back to the whole limping thing, Hanna suspects that Lucas is limping, because he may very well be the person who tried to throw Aria from the train on Halloween night.  You know . . . when she was hanging out in that coffin with dead Garrett, and stabbed someone with a nail?  Good times.

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She begs her boyfriend to get the scoop.  You know, because murderous people who try to throw others off trains, make for really great interviews!  Caleb comes back empty handed, but Hanna later gets Lucas to admit to her that Mona has been sneaking out of the nuthouse, since she first went in there.  “That’s all I can say,” Lucas admits sadly.

miss you hanna

miss you lucas

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Poor Lucas.  He’s definitely the Beta kid of this A Team.  He gets to do all the dirty jobs, with none of the respect or the rewards.  Not to mention, it’s pretty obvious he’s still hung up on Hanna, and hates having to play any part in hurting her.  I can’t help but feel sorry for the guy.  Even if he does sometimes have a really bad case of the Crazy Eyes . . .

2 4 lucas funny face

Meanwhile, outside the school . . .

Hand Grenade Hugs and Moonlighting Janitors

Have you ever noticed that ever since Evil Abs Toby has been outed as a member of the A Team, he has this perpetual puss on his face, like a cartoon super villain?  It’s like you can almost hear the maniacal laugh track of “MWAH-HAHA,” every time he opens his mouth.

toby eyes

And you would  think that Spencer — who used to be the kind of girl who would be suspicious of a bunny rabbit, if it looked at her funny — would notice that her supposedly loving boyfriend has suddenly caught a case of the EVIL EYES.  But nope!  B*tch is totally clueless . . . just rambling on and on, about how Facelift Jason is putting his life in his hands by being nice to Crazy Mona.

what im doing why im doing

“He’s hugging a hand grenade,” Spencer scoffs, as she pulls Evil Abs Toby into a loving embrace.

You see, that’s the thing about hand grenades.  They come in many shapes and sizes.  Sometimes, they even have six-pack abs . . .

mona jason

Meanwhile, it appears that the Weirdo Norman Bates-y dude who owned the hotel where Mona kept her evil lair is suddenly moonlighting at the high school as a janitor, and carting around a bag filled with Mona’s creepy crap.

baby head

Oh, hello Ugly Baby Mask!  I missed you . . .

baby

Again, who the heck runs security at this school?  It seems like the entire payroll is filled with wackadoos and sociopaths!

2 7 no fitzy

No offense, Fitzy .  . .

1 21 show me your teeth mama

And Aria’s mom . . .

I particularly liked the scene where Emily and Hanna go stalking the janitor,  and try to hide, when they are almost discovered.  Something tells me that, as a child Hanna was the kid you never wanted on your team during Hide and Seek . . . just a hunch . . .

hiding hanna

I also liked the part when the creepy janitor started literally sniffing around the hallway for the girls, as if he could SMELL their presence.  Time to lay off the perfume, my pretties . .

sniffing janitor

Hit me with a baby one more time . . .

ezria necklace

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Aria and her scary animal print outfit are having a fine old time with Fitzy, when the former finds a “Congrats on your baby boy,” gift basket parked on Fitzy’s apartment doorstep.

BabyScared

Ruh ROH!  I guess A found out about Fitzy’s secret love child with Alex Mack, after all.  Aria’s eyes pop out of her head, as she disposes of the gift basket, before Ezzie can find it.  (I don’t know.  That seems like kind of a waste to me.  Those gift bags are expensive!)

Personally, I don’t think it’s fair for Aria to keep this BIG BABY secret from Fitzy.  After all, America’s favorite unemployed English teacher has a right to know that he has a spawn out there somewhere, who just might share his genetic propensity for having pasty white legs, being attracted to younger women, and writing REALLY BAD poetry . . .

bike

Hot Tub Time Machine

Remember back when Toby and Spencer were the World’s Sweetest Couple?  When every time he took off his shirt we clapped . . . and every time he hugged Spencer, lovingly touched her hair, and/or patiently told her to “shut the f*&k up about A, it’s all you ever talk about” we swooned?

pretty little spoby

Yeah, now the writers are just laughing at us with all this “Toby is Evil” stuff.  Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy seeing Spencer and Toby get all hot and sweaty after a run.  And I still clap when Toby sits in the hot tub shirtless, massaging Spencer’s shoulders.  The only difference is that now, enjoying it makes me feel like a bad person.

run slap five

shirt off

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Thanks a lot, writers!

That said, I love the repeated irony of Spencer getting jumpy about sounds that go bump in the night, when, inches away from her (shirtless, of course) is the dude who probably killed Police Boy Garrett, and Creepy Pedo Ian.  Talk about sleeping with the enemy!

hot tub

Pretty Little Cheaters

pretty little cheaters

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As a sort-of/kind of runner (albeit a ridiculously slow one), I’m thinking I’m probably the only one who was annoyed by the girls totally cutting out of their charity race at Mile 2, to break into Creepy Janitor’s Lair of Old PLL Props.   Did they ever finish the race?  Or did they just cut to Mile 6, and jog triumphantly to finish line?  Fitzy said he donated HALF his unemployment money for this!  And he only has ONE HAIRY LIME in his fridge to eat!

leave my lime alone

Now that’s just rude!

That said, I’m kind of impressed at what savvy criminals these four have become over the past three seasons.  Emily successfully disables her dad’s first rate alarm system to sneak out of her house, in order to go on this mission.  Spencer expertly breaks into the Janitor’s lair, using nothing but a bobby pin, and sheer force of will.

bobby pin

scary spencer

And Aria, upon finding incriminating evidence that could one day be used to implicate her Craptastic Dad in Ali’s murder, quickly pockets the offending booty.  But more on that, in just a bit . . .

Newsflash: Aria’s Dad is Poopface .  . . oh, wait, we already knew that?

incomp

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This week on PLL, we learned that Dead Ali was blackmailing Boring Byron with knowledge about his affair with Skanky Meredith, and that this is probably why she had piles of money stashed away in her room.  (Then again, maybe she just had a gambling problem.)

byron ali

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We found this out from Creepy Janitor, who randomly had Dead Ali’s diary in Creepy Janitor’s House of Old PLL Props, just hanging out, and waiting to be read.

diary page

diary page 2

Boring Byron thinks we should just be happy to know he wasn’t sleeping with the 14-year old.  He thinks that makes him a Good Dad!

You know what else he thinks makes him a Good Dad?  Accusing his daughter of trying to blow up his slutball mistress at a school charity event.  (That’s right.  It seems that, while the girls were in the Janitor’s Closet playing Hide the Diary.  The A Team went and literally BLEW UP MEREDITH, off screen!  HILARIOUS.  Too bad she survived.)

like your teacher

Anyway, it’s always good to know your parents trust and support you  . . .

sarcasm sign

Ugh, this guy sucks so bad, I skeeve, whenever he’s on screen.  I’m just pissed he wasn’t in the schoolhouse with Happy Hobag Meredith, when Obviously-Not-Aria tried to blow her up.  Better luck next time . . .

Speaking of Skeevy . . .

Toward the end of the episode, we find Mona and Jason getting frisky together.  (Geez, don’t any of the guys on this show date people their own age?)  She’s fawning over a very rusty-nail looking wound on Facelift Jason’s tummy.  Then again, it could also be a BURN MARK.

Has Facelift Jason been part of the A Team all along?  Was he the one who Aria stabbed with a nail, when he tried to throw her coffin off the train on Halloween?  Did he try to blow up Boring Byron’s girlfriend Moronic Meredith at the Charity Event?

Tune in next week to find out . . .

And finally . . .

In the last scene of the episode, Evil Abs Toby screws around with the wheels on some random guy’s bike, who may or may not be the dude who put the brain in Mona’s locker.  (That’s funny.  I was certain she put that in herself?)

stefan shrug

This, of course, just goes to show you that NO ONE is safe on the streets of Rosewood, not even extras, who don’t have speaking parts on the show.  Be afraid, Teens!  Be very afraid . . .

2 15 pretty little liar hanna creepylucas

Until next time, my Pretties!

2 18 wave goodbye nikkilovesmakeup

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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