Tag Archives: 4.08

“And I will try to fix youuuuuu.” – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “My Brother’s Keeper”

delena sex big

really happening

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Oh yeah, Caroline . . . it’s happening, all right!

Oh, my dear sweet Fangbangers!  How I’ve missed you, during this one week interminable hiatus.  And what an episode to come back to!  Let’s see, there was another Miss Mystic Falls Pageant, Mini Gilbert hopped a ride on the Crazy Train, Klaus got all mushy gushy over a teeny tiny bird with a big nose, and . . . wait . . . I know I’m forgetting something.  Hmmm . . . what could it be?

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Was it about Nosebleed Bonnie?

2 22 bloody nose bonnie

Nahh . . . she wasn’t even in this episode.  Good riddens!

How about that dead hybrid from last week?  Did he return as zombie to exact revenge on our Scooby Gang?

finn zombie

Nope . . . not him either.

Oh, I remember now! DAMON AND ELENA HAD SEX . . . WITH EACH OTHER.

cheers

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THEY BONED.  THEY WERE NAKED.  SHIRTS WERE RIPPED.  BODICES WERE TORN.

lively elena

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DAMON ROAD THAT NEWBIE VAMP ALL THE WAY TO POUND TOWN . . .

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stayed for the show

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I’ve really gotta lay off on the capital letters . . . and the caffeine.

not sure how to stop

Anywhoo . . . let’s rewind a little bit, so we can see how it all went down.  [By the way, welcome back, Andre! Many thanks for the rockin’ screencaps . . .]

Stefan and Caroline: Gossip Girls

sad stef

“She dumped me, Bro!  And now I have this strange urge to write bad poetry, and cheesy diary entries, while showing off my muscular physique to no one in particular.”

gossip girl

“Wait . . . don’t you do that every week?”

Everybody needs a good girlfriend.  And I’m not speaking in a romantic context either.  We all need someone we can call, after a bad day, who will listen to us, while we bitch and moan about our mean teachers, our awful bosses, and our inconsiderate significant others . . . someone who will say to us, “Hey Girl!  You are SO right.  That guy of yours is total toolbox.  You can do so much better than him” . . . even if it isn’t exactly . . . like . . . true and stuff.

that betch

“That bitch!  I’m going to totally kick her ass.  How dare she dump one bloodthirsty vampire for another one?  I’m going to really give her a piece of my mind . . . once I get back from my hot date with the evilest, most bloodthirsty vampire on the planet.”

Damon used to have that with Alaric . . .

team bad ass

. . . you know, before Alaric went psycho and started trying to murder Damon on a regular basis.  Stefan sort of had that with his boy toy Klaus.

klefan

“You can be my bodyguard.  And I can be your long lost pal.  I can call you Betty, and Betty when you call me, you can CALLL MEEEE KLAUUUUSSSS, call me Klaus.”

But, let’s be honest, their relationship was always more homoerotic than it was mutually supportive.  So, as much as I was annoyed by Caroline’s and Stefan’s “Mean Girls” act this week, seeing Stefan bitch and complain about being dumped by Elena to Caroline was probably the most “human” thing I’ve seen the guy do in about three seasons.

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Make that the second most Human Thing.  Looking goood, Steffy!

For once, Stefan wasn’t busy being either “good and honorable” or “ravenous and psychotic.”  He was just the girl who didn’t get asked to the prom by the high school quarterback.  So, instead, he stayed home crying to his girlfriends (who also didn’t have dates), while shoving Ben & Jerry’s ice cream down his throat.

stefan crying gif

Well, except for the fact that given how ripped Saint Stefan is, it’s pretty clear to me that Paul Wesley has never met Ben or Jerry, in his entire life.

stefan shrug

But hey . . . it’s a start right?

Speaking of Mean Girls, whoa Caroline!  When exactly did your Season 1 self come back to literally bite you in the ass?  For someone who spent the entire episode bitching about how much Elena had changed, since she went full on vamp, Caroline sure was acting like someone other than the Perky Little Vampire Barbie we had all come to know and love.  Perhaps, Bonnie’s absence left an opening in the show’s obligatory “Judgy Girl / Cockblock Quota.”

2 16 caroline j baker

Whatever the reason, Caroline was 100% Regina Georging Elena for most of the episode, disregarding her choice of men, her choice of clothes (more on that later), and even her personality.  Honestly, I kept waiting for Elena to show up at the Miss Mystic Falls pageant wearing sweat pants, so that Caroline could banish her from the lunch table.

mean girls really pretty

Oh wait . .  . I forgot, these kids only actually attend school once every two months.  So, lunch tables are not an option . . .  In other romance news . . .

Klaus whispers sweet nothings in Stefan’s ear, causing sexual frustration  in our “hero”

hugs

That Klaus sure is one kinky vamp, isn’t he?  Here we have Stefan, in his tight bodice-busting wife beater tee, just brooding, and minding his own business.  Then, out comes Klaus to put his big manly arms around Stefan, place his lips near his neck, and whisper in his ear, all the naughty things he will do to him, if Stefan doesn’t obey the elder vampire’s desires (i.e. make Jeremy a mass murderer so the Etch-a-Sketch on his arm produces more of those pretty pictures Klaus adores so much . . . but no ponies, unfortunately).

klefan 2 katerinawesley

Talk about tough love!  A ridiculously small part of me really did believe that these two were going to hump, right there in the woods like the sexy savage beasts they are.  But instead, Klaus leaves Stefan with a massive case of these . . .

blue balls

Dumped by his girlfriend, denied by his gay lover, can you really blame Stefan for being a little snippy with his brother, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome?

pissy face

DAMON:  “You’re bitchy today!  Who crawled up your ass and died?”

STEFAN: “Not Klaus or Elena, that’s for sure.”

DAMON: “Bummer, you should see if Matt Donovan is free . . .”

My how the tables have turned!  This time around it’s Stefan, offering up the half-cocked, impulsive plan that’s going to put everyone’s lives in jeopardy, while Damon is being the more conservative one, opting in favor of protecting Jeremy’s life and his sanity, over the quick fix of using his hunter mark to rescue Elena, no matter how many people get hurt in the process.

damon face

“I know, it kind of surprised me too.”

And while for three seasons, Damon has bore the brunt of his Elena-sized rejection with quiet broodiness, and pleasant self-deprecation, Stefan is just one big ole’ sour grape about the whole thing.  “Don’t pretend like this isn’t the best day of your entire life,” Stefan remarks snidely, when Damon expresses sympathy toward his brother over the breakup.

douchebag jar misomeru

In Stefan’s defense, while Damon might look calm and collected on the outside, upon hearing this news, on the inside, I suspect he’s doing this . . .

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 . . . and this . . .

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. . . and maybe even a little of this . . .

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Meanwhile, back at the pageant . . .

This is your brain on Professor Boo Radley (and these are your muscles on Vampire Hunter Steroids) . . .

more big muscles

“GRRRRR!”

big muscles

“Rawrrrrrrrr”

hey ladies

Matty LIKE!

Apparently, having a new nifty new tattoo has turned Jeremy into the frat party version of a super hero.  He LIFTS HEAVY KEGS with a single orgasmic grunt.  Matt pretends to be concerned about Jeremy’s “mental health” and stuff.  But you know that deep down he’s impressed, kind of jealous, and a little bit turned on . . .

Meanwhile, even feuding femme fatales, Caroline and Elena, agree that Professor Boo Radley is mega creepy, and always seems to be putting his annoyingly curly head of hair where it isn’t wanted.  Therefore, it’s a kind of a good thing Damon wants to kill him, right?

annoying shane

He even has serial killer eyebrows . . .

Speaking of making a killing . . .

Eeny, Meeny, Miney, MURDER!

Stefan’s scouring the hospital for humans with a very specific set of medical conditions.  At first, I assume that this little hunting trip was brought on by breakup-induced stress eating . . .

freaking hungry

But nope. Stefan’s looking for “bad people” to turn, just like Elena was looking for “bad frat brothers” to much on, during her campus excursion with Damon, a few weeks back.  After all, everyone knows that Bad People taste better (much more flavor!).

eat him for sport

Stefan finds what he’s looking for in a hospitalized killer who completely lacks remorse for his misdeeds.  You know, kind of like Stefan and the rest of the Scooby Gang, when they killed Poor Hybrid Chris to cure Elena of Night Terrors.  Stefan promptly turns Killer Guy, into a vamp, in hopes that he can later force Jeremy kill him.

force feed

“You will MAKE OUT WITH MY ARM, AND YOU WILL LIKE IT, BITCH!  In case you haven’t heard, my girlfriend dumped me, and I haven’t had sex in two weeks.  I’ll take what I can get.”

And hey, if doing that just so happens to transform Jer Bear into a raging lunatic, so be it.  Because . . . let’s all say it together now . . . WE’RE DOING IT TO SAVE ELENA!

happy elena

Except, here’s a new wrinkle in that plan . . . This time, Elena doesn’t really need saving, you know, being IMMORTAL, and stuff . . .

Because unlike CRAZY!DERANGED! Elena, Caroline doesn’t have a thing for Bad Boys at all . . . does she?

Oh Sweet Caroline!  You aren’t fooling anyone with your “Go away I’m busy,” “Don’t buy me dresses,” act with Klaus.  Everybody knows you want to hit that hybrid booty, and hit it HARD.

hard to get

“Do you think he’s looking at me?  He’s TOTALLY looking at me.  Play it cool, Caroline.  Maybe he won’t notice that you’re reading your clipboard upside down . . .”

And hey, none of us blame you for looking.  That smirk of Klaus’ could melt the polar ice caps.

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But you know what they say.  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t pick on Elena for lusting after a bad boy, when you are lusting after a worse one.

3 2 caroline not prost - honorinrevenge

Wait. . .  that’s now how it goes . . .  Those who live in glass houses shouldn’t . . . be hypocrites?  No, that’s not it either.  Ooh nevermind.

But my poor analogies have purpose!  They actually bring me to two rather interesting, and oddly parallel, scenes in our story: one featuring Lady Elena, and the other starring none other than Caroline Forbes herself . . .

The Tale of the Tell Tale Dress and the Phallic-Looking Bird

look at dress

“Hey Caroline.  We’re supposed to be helping April pick out a dress.  Stop staring at my boobs.”

April Young is running for Miss Mystic Falls, like Elena and Caroline before her. I suspect we are supposed to like care or something.  But I’m still having difficulty getting invested in April.  Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I keep waiting for her to get brutally murdered.

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Also, I want Matt to be with Rebekah.  There, I said it.  Matt is just such a “nice guy,” and April is such a “nice girl.” And as “nice” as it would be if they were a couple, it would probably  . . . no, definitely  . . . put me to sleep watching them on my screen.

rebekah heart

But I’m not here to talk about Matt and April, or even Matt and Rebekah, for that matter.  I’m here to talk about Elena, and her reaction to April’s choice of dress.  At first, she agrees with Caroline, and is all about the blue.  Then Damon swoops in, and suddenly she’s agreeing with him, and she’s all about the red.

red dress

“Because Red is the color of Blood.  And if you look like Blood, everyone in this town will want to eat you.  And, in case you haven’t noticed, we all equate eating with sexual attraction around here . . .”

want sandwiches and sex nickmillerfixed it

Now, of course Caroline is morally aghast by the whole situation.  Later on, she’ll use it as evidence that Elena is “sired” to Damon.

Damon eye roll

I don’t know, I just see it as evidence, that Elena doesn’t have many strong opinions about fashion.  I mean, Caroline certainly didn’t accuse Elena of being sired to her, when she agreed to her choice of dress, did she?  Beyond that, I’d just say that Elena was acting like a girl who’s recently discovered she has a crush.  We’ve all been in those first stages of puppy love, before, haven’t we?  Suddenly, everything this person does is friggin adorable, and every word out of their mouth is pure gold.

worst crush zoe kazans

There’s nothing supernatural about it.  Sometimes a dress is just a dress . . . Now, a hummingbird . . . that’s another story . . .

Remember that time when Klaus told a dying Caroline this beautiful, inspirational, story about the perks of being a vampire, and that same story inspired her to LIVE?

3 11 klaroline thousand b days faerywonderland

3 11 klaroline allyouhavetodois ask faeryinwonderland

Well, this hummingbird story wasn’t that.  So, wait, let me get this straight.  Big bad Klaus decided he envied humanity, all because some bird with a big schnoz looked at him cockeyed?

dancing

Shake that ass, humming bird!  Klaus loves you!

Really?  That’s funny, because, last I checked HUMANS AREN’T BIRDS!

And yet, as Klaus’ date to the Miss Mystic Falls pageant, Caroline just ate that stupid hummingbird story up, like it was delicious blood-covered chocolate brownie.  And why?  Because puppy love can make you approve of some very stupid things . . .

stupidist thing ive ever heard

“That bird story is the stupidest crap I ever heard.”

butterflies

“But you’re so yummy.  Wait . . . tell me that amazing story about the bird again.”

Think about THAT the next time you are Judgy McJudgersoning Elena, CareBear . . .

Speaking of puppy love . . .

Elena confesses!  Damon swoons!  Professor Boo Radley cockblocks!

you all you

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Yes, yes, yes.  It’s the moment we’ve all been waiting for, since we saw it in last week’s promos.  Elena calls out to Damon from the top of that romantic spiral staircase.  She meets him at the bottom, and finally confesses to him the words that this vampire has arguably been waiting to hear for about 150 years, from the girl who looks like Nina Dobrev, and whose name is alternately Katherine and Elena.  She has FEELINGS FOR HIM!

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She dumped STEFAN for him!

damon eternal stud

She may even . . . wait for it . . . LOVE HIM!  And just in time for the holidays too . . .

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I just loved seeing Damon’s expression, upon hearing this.  I love how he didn’t even really try to play it cool, and casual,  like he usually does.  Damon was overcome with emotion.  He was ecstatic.  He was . . . just like every Delena fan watching at home . . . minus the girly screams, and the screechy choruses of “OH MY GAWWWWWWWWD!”

happy damon

And then that bastard Boo Radley had to come and frack it all up.  KILL HIM ALREADY, WILL YOU WRITERS!  I don’t care if he’s Silas!

cockblock

“Look, Damon and Elena are having a Moment.  This looks like a job for COCKBLOCK OF THE WEEK, MWAH-HA HA!”

Damon leaves to have a little conversation with Mr. Creeper Man.  And it’s a pretty typical scene, where the pair shower one another with innuendo, and thinly-veiled threats.  YAWN!  Professor Boo Radley bores me.  More Delena please . . .

In, more exciting, non-Boo Radley, related news . . .

Mini Gilbert pops his vampire killing cherry . . . again.

funny face

“Why can’t I just have wet dreams, like normal teenage boys?”

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“In my dreams, this was much bigger . . . just like my weiner.”

Poor JerBear . . . he’s having dreams about murdering his sister.  I wonder, maybe if the Scooby Gang kills a hybrid, they can cure him of these night terrors.  Oh wait . . . we only do that for Elena.  When it comes to Mini Gilbert, we do things to make him MORE crazy, not less.  To his credit,  Jeremy definitely seems morally aghast by his own unfulfilled desires.  But then his “bro” Stefan texts him.  And he ditches out on the Miss Mystic Falls pageant to go see him about killing a newbie vamp.

meet me

“Remind me to delete this asshole from my contacts list.  He’s always getting me into trouble.

Stefan was a real jerk, in this scene, wasn’t he?  The way he manipulated Jeremy into making the kill, knowing full well that there was a major possibility that doing it would turn our mild mannered former emo kid into, as Damon cleverly put it, “Connor 2.0?”

Was I the only one who was cheering just a little bit, when Jeremy, not only didn’t show Stefan his pretty new tattoo, but immediately turned on the vampire, and staked his ass?   Come on, admit it, dude had it coming . . .

gotcha

beating up stefan

I find the way the writers dealt with Jeremy’s Vampire Hunter transformation interesting.  It was as if, the minute he killed vampire number 2, the guy became a completely different person . . . like he was a man possessed . . . like he had an alter ego . . . like his former self lacked free will over him . . . like he was Evil!Alaric . . .

And it kind of makes me wonder what kind of guy Connor was, before he became a vampire hunter . . .

big connor

While Jeremy’s Presto Chango Personality Transformation made for good television drama, part of me wished for a little more subtlety, and gradual metamorphosis, on the character’s part.  I find this is a frequent complaint I have with the show.  I recall having made similar comments about Stefan’s “ripperness” and Alaric’s “psycho-ness,” not long before.  And here is my general feeling.  When you give a character an “alter ego,” you enable him or her to disclaim complete responsibility for all acts committed while in that state.  And that gives your characters a sort of moral “easy out” clause, that I don’t necessarily think they deserve.

she turns into the devil tendermercies

Part of me would much prefer to see Jeremy gradually struggle with his feelings about vampires, and the ways they conflict with the love he has for his family and friends.  But that’s just me . . .

And the winner is . . . zzzzz

red dress april

Meh . . . I would have gone with the blue dress.

April won.  Jeremy bailed at the last minute, because he was out being “naughty,” just like Stefan was, back in Season 1.  Matt then stepped into Damon’s Season 1’s shoes, by acting as April’s last-minute Knight in Shining Kmart suit.  Plotwise, it did little to advance the main story.  But it was a kind of clever way to send up, one of the most popular episode’s in the show’s first season.

delena dancing

Not to mention, those looks that Damon and Elena were giving one another, as they recalled their days of Unrequited Passion / Mating Dance past?  PRICELESS . . .

Breaking Bones and Taking Numbers

bored now

“Hurry up and break your sire bond, already.  I want to watch Honey Boo Boo!”

I like Hayley.  I really do.  I know I’ve bitched about not warming to April.  But I started enjoying Phoebe Tonkin’s part in this series, almost as soon as she appeared.  Maybe it’s because I liked her in The Secret Circle.  Maybe it’s because she’s just a good actress.  Or maybe I like her tension with Tyler and Caroline, and feel like she’s the type of “tough girl” we don’t see enough on this show.  Whatever the reason, I thought the scenes where she boredly “coached” that hybrid chick through breaking her sire bond were pretty darn hilarious.

grrrr

Not for this chick though, I imagine . . .

And I was disappointed at the end of the episode, when I learned that she was in CAHOOTS (love that cheesy word), with the detestable BOO RADLEY.  And no, the fact that she begged for “Tyler not to get hurt,” did little to endear her in my eyes.  You know what they say, you lie down with creepers, you start giving people the creeps.

eye roll

So, I hope they redeem this chick soon . . . and not just by making her die a dramatic death, as they tend to do on this show.

Speaking of Boo . . .

Shane, Shane, we know your name “It’s Silas Professor Boo Radley.”

funny face shane

Evil eyebrows at work again . . .

So, now we have a reason to keep Boo Radley alive . . . umm yay?

So, basically his whole connection to this thing is that he can make Bonnie Bennett regain her witchy powers, so that she can help find the “cure” to vampirism .  . . because apparently the Map Tattoo and pretty stake aren’t enough.

steven tattoos

Wait a minute . . . is THAT A HUMMINGBIRD ON HIS SHOULDER?

Ugh!  So, in other words, we’ve yoked a character I don’t like to another character I don’t like.  And had that same first yucky character (Boo) taint a character I actually DO like (Hayley).

GO AWAY SHANE!

So, much for that whole “not murdering your sister” thing, huh, Jer Bear?

Things get pretty tense when Elena finds her brother at the Salvatore mansion, all bloody and stuff, from killing That Guy.  Long story short, she vamps out, he stabs her neck .  . . (perhaps as payback for the time when she killed him last week).   Matt comes to save the day, which was nice of him, I guess, since Elena’s saved him quite a few times.

damon and matt

All kidding aside, I thought the scene was pretty nicely done, in the sense that it was TRULY shocking to see Jeremy revert to a character this depraved, almost on the drop of a dime.

At the end of the episode, Jeremy plans to leave town, so he won’t, you know, kill his sister and stuff.  But Savior Matt convinces him to stay, and promises to “watch out for him.”  Personally, I think that’s a terrible idea.  Matt Donovan couldn’t “watch out” for a half-empty beer keg, and he’s supposed to prevent Jeremy from murdering all the undead in Mystic Falls?

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It will make for a good story though, I guess . . .

And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for (if you are a Delena fan, at least)

dancing yeah

So, with Jeremy staying at La Casa Gilbert, Brush-with-Death Elena finds herself without a home.  And though she could probably just check into a hotel, or stay with Bonnie or Caroline, she decides to make an already awkward situation that much more awkward, by moving into the Salvatore House, with the guy she dumped, and the guy she wants to bone, both under the same roof.

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It’s like that old 70s show Three’s Company, only with lots of biting, and less Suzanne Somers . . .

But then Stefan decides to move out, thereby giving Elena and Damon about 20 free rooms, not to mention a ton of bathrooms, in which to screw at their leisure.  I LOVE IT!

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Damon and Elena sit by the fire, where they’ve had many an intense conversation in the past.  She makes a really good point, when she notes how all her so-called friends have been judging her, telling her she’s not as good of a person, as a vampire, and trying to cure her of the person she’s become.

welcome club

welcome club 2

But it seems like, finally, whereas Elena spent the first few weeks of her vampirism mired in self-loathing, she’s now coming to terms with who she’s become, and is OK with it.  It’s like she said to Stefan in an earlier scene.  “You don’t have to love me like this,” because, at least it’s implied “I love myself.”

more alive

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Who would have thought it would take vampirism to convert Elena into a role model for positive teen self esteem?  I think that’s what Damon means, when he tells her that he’s never seen her more alive.  Things get romantic and sticky sweet, when the pair decide to relive their EPIC Mystic Falls dance.  Only whereas last time, the pair weren’t allowed to touch one another, this time, the dance ends with a dip and a passionate kiss.

lively elena

And then they pretty much bone one another’s brains out . . .

In short, it was F*&KING AMAZING, after 3 years to finally watch these two F*&K.  LONGEST FOREPLAY EVER.  And while certain “other things,” happened during the scene to taint it’s “purity.”  I choose to view it the way the person who made this video did . . .

surprised-face

HALLELUJAH!

Yes, yes, I know, the REAL SEX SCENE was inter cut by a high strung Caroline and smug Stefan chalking Elena’s newfound vampire urges up to a “sire bond,” but I’m trying not to let that get to me.

plotting

Blah, blah, blah, interrupting my Delena sex blah . . .

To me, chalking up Elena’s inability to drink blood from a bag to her supernatural connection with Damon, as opposed to her status as a vampire, is simply replacing one far-fetched mythology for another.  It doesn’t change things for me.  Many vampire tales, the TVD book series included, have posited the “blood bond,” as a reason for closeness between vampires and their mates.  And this supernatural anomaly hasn’t managed to foil the genuine closeness of the couple, in those situations.  And I hope the writers won’t cop out, and allow it to do so here.

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3 3 delena favvvvvvv

Aside from which, this so-called sire bond between Damon and Elena, is clearly very different from the one Klaus has with his hybrids, as Hayley explains, earlier in the episode.  Tyler and company yoked to Klaus, not because they wanted to get into his pants (though some of them might have), but because they “appreciated,” his freeing them from the pain of monthly transformation. And yet, they must not have “appreciated” him all that much, because if they did, they wouldn’t be so intent to break the sire bond, in the first place.

tyler points

“HAHA!  Gotcha writers . . .”

Elena “appreciates” Damon too.  But she does so because he’s been accepting of her new self, when no one else she cares about has.  She appreciates how he loves her, unconditionally, whether she’s human or vampire, pristine or monstrous.  And she also appreciates him because well . . . he’s hot and sexy.  Let’s be honest.

wet damon 2

So, if Stefan wants to make himself feel better about the breakup, by chalking it up to a once-in-a-lifetime siring, good for him.

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But I for one, hope that Elena and Damon see this through to the end, sire bond, or no sire bond.  And that, if such a bond does exist, that Elena finds a way to break it, so that she can prove to herself that her love for Damon is pure, just as Book Elena and Sookie Stackhouse have done before her . . .

But hey, enough about all this mythology crap, Delena fans.  Let’s just bask in the glory of the fact that our SHIP FINALLY HAD SEX.  HOORAY!  Next time on TVD .   . .

Until then  . . .

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Get Your Snowballs Out of My SHOWER! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Spellbound”

You know what I like best about Shower Sex?  IT ACTUALLY OCCURS IN A SHOWER . . . not on the film set for the Chronicles of Narnia!

Sigh!  Oh, True Blood!  How you tease me with your wanton promises of Sexy Seric Shower Sex!  How you made me wait patiently, week in, and week out, for some hot, soapy, bubbly, lathery lovely loving, only to give me something that was .  . . well . . . NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

On a brighter note, I have a brief message I would like to pass along to Eric Northman’s Tushy, on behalf of all Fangbangers . . .

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WE SALUTE YOU!

Let’s recap, shall we?

(By the way, special thanks to Skarsgardfans.com for the fabulous screencaps you see here.)

Vampire Jessica is Having a Very Bad Day . . . Mostly

“Oh Jason!  You’ve saved my life!  Please, let me reward you with a quick Floor F*&k in Daddy’s lobby.”

When we last saw Vampire Jessica, that Mean Ole Witchipoo was spelling her into wanting to meet the sun . . .

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

This week, it was JASON STACKHOUSE TO THE RESCUE!

“Really wishing I had a cape, and some tights, right about now .  . . “

Like a TOTAL BOSS, he tackles Jessica to the ground (Kinky!), and slams the door to Bill’s big fancy mansion WITH HIS FOOT, so Jessica can’t get out.   While, still under the influence of the spell, Jessica flips Jason on his back (More kinky!), and starts attacking him .  . .

Hey!  She kind of looks like she’s playing air guitar, in this picture!

But then the spell inexplicably stops, and Jessica’s thinking, “WOAH!  Weirdest Sex Dream EVER almost as bad as Sookie’s and Eric’s Winter Wondersex!”

She looks down at her hero (who she is oh-so-conveniently straddling at the moment).  Adorable Jason is looking up at Jessica with these big lovey dovey puppy dog eyes, despite the fact that she pretty muh looks like sh*t, right now AND was, just a few minutes ago, trying to EAT HIS FACE OFF!

“I love you . .  . you Crazy Sunburned B*tch!”

And she’s so overcome with passion for him, not to mention, she can feel his massive hard-on poking through her jeans that she plants a big sloppy wet one right on his mouth . . .  After it happens, she pulls away, in shock over what she has done.

“Oh gosh . . . I must have the worst morning breath.  I’m so ashamed!”

But Jessica needn’t be upset.  After all, this is Jason we are talking about!  Former manwhore Jason.  And he loooooooooooooves Jessica.  In fact, he’s so horny for the girl, right now, that he sits up, and pulls her in for another kiss . .  .a REAL ONE, this time!  There won’t be any chalking up of this kiss to “The Excitement of the Moment,” no sir!

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Things are getting REALLY GOOD!  So, of course, you can count on King Cockblock to screw them up.  “SOOOOOOKEHHHHHH JESSSSICAAAAAAA!” He whines .  . . like a b*tch.

“No one gets lucky on my watch . . . NO ONE!  Not even JASON STACKHOUSE, the guy who was gang-banged by werepanthers!”

Jason carries Jessica down the steps to King Cockblock’s hidey hole.  And it’s pretty darn adorable though Floor Sex would have been much more adorable.  Don’t you think?.  Beeeelll thanks Jason for having to save Jessica’s life, because her own maker was too big of a weenie to put the right amount of silver on her.  He then tells Jason that Jessica is going to need to stay in bed, and under silver, for the rest of the day, just in case Witchipoo decides to star in Evil Vampire Spell 2: Electric Boogaloo.  Jessica agrees, because now that she has a solid sex partner, she REAAAAAALLLLLY wants to live!

Jason puts the RIGHT amount of silver on Jessica, while he tries to come up with “happy thoughts” for her to think about, so that she won’t focus on the pain.  “Hot summer days . . . barbecues . . .” He begins.

Though Jessica is too in love with Jason’s face to notice how unintentionally inappropriate he’s being, Jason eventually recognizes his mistake, and changes his “happy thoughts” to things that Vampire Jessica might actually like such as Jason’s ENORMOUS COCK: the moon, never being cold, and Tru Blood . . .   (Awww, Jason!  No vampire actually LIKES Tru Blood.  You should know that by now!)

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The pair looks like they are going to make out right there on that coffin bed.  So, of course, you can count on cockblock Bill to chime in again, and interrupt.  He reminds Jason to not rat out Jessica for eating one of his guards.

Don’t worry, Jess!  Bucky’s not dead.  He’s just taking a nap . . . in his own blood.

Jason says, more or less, “Cool, no problem.  I won’t tell on Jess for eating ‘Bucky,’ if you won’t tell on me for shooting the Extra you had stationed outside.”

Jason and King Cockblock have themselves a deal.  They’d probably even shake on it, if Bill wasn’t chained to his bed with silver .  . . oh well!

The next time we see Jessica it’s “nighttime.”  She arrives home to an unwashed Hoyt, and tells him it’s over between them . . .

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He does NOT take it well . . . We watch him cry and blubber,  beg Jessica to take him back, and offer to drink her blood everyday.  Then THIS happens . . .

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OH MY GOD!  You just killed Hoyt, you bastar . . . I mean . . . b*tch!

Then Jessica runs outside with a big honking smile on her bloody face, and finds Jason waiting in his car, ready to give her the best de-virginization of her life.  And the fact that she doesn’t seem upset AT ALL about just murdering her first love, makes me think, “WOW!  Jessica Hamby is one SICK PUPPY!”

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It’s still pretty hot though . . .

Then Jessica wakes up in her little silver coffin bed.  And we realize it was nothing but a bad dream.  DARN! PHEW!  What a relief!

But then nighttime comes AGAIN.  And AGAIN, Jessica goes to the house she shares with Hoyt, to dump his adorable naive butt.  And AGAIN he doesn’t take it well . . . But this time, it’s a little bit . . . different.

“I KNOW you killed me in your dream!  You . . .  DREAM MURDERER!” 

In Jessica’s dream, Hoyt was a pathetic sniveling mess, when she dumped him.  In real life, he is hurt . . . defensive . . . and, as a result, very MEAN.  He hits Jessica in all her sore spots:  her perpetual virginity, her lack of . . . life, and her former religious roots.

“OH NO, YOU DI-N’T!” 

Though Jessica claims that she is dumping Hoyt, because she doesn’t believe vampires are meant to be monogamous, Hoyt is no dummy.  He knows Jessica has been distant for some time, and suspects that another man is the reason.  And it is . .  . partly.

But there’s another part of Jessica, who just wants to embrace her vampire identity.  And she feels she can’t do that while playing house with Hoyt.  This is why, in her dream, Jason said things to her like, “I love when your face is all covered with blood.  I want you to f*ck me and bite me at the same time.”  Dream Jason loves the vampire side of Jessica, in a way that Real Life Hoyt doesn’t, necessarily.

“Maybe God really does hate fangers.  And so do I!”  Hoyt exclaims, as he rescinds poor Jessica’s invitation to his house, and proceeds to throw furniture around to assert his manhood.

It’s pretty heartbreaking, actually . . .

But if Jess thinks she’s going to get comfort from Mr, Sexypants, himself, Jason Stackhouse, she’s got another thing coming!  Because Jason is nothing, if not loyal.  And he’s also a firm adherent to the Bro Code.  So, when he hears that Jessica dumped his best friend, though he’s clearly affected by the pain she’s in, he’s petrified of the notion that she might have done it for HIM.

“Time out!  Cut to commercial break!” 

It just goes to show how much Jason has grown up, over the past few seasons, that he is able to restrain himself from jumping on Jess, out of allegiance to Hoyt, despite the fact that it’s OBVIOUSLY what he wants to do.  (Remember Season 2, when Jason boned that crazy preacher guy’s wife?  Good times!)  Jessica on the other hand, is still young, inexperienced, and impulsive.  In short, she is the female version of who Jason used to be . . .

That being said, it was still SUPER sad, when Jason rescinded Jessica’s invitation to HIS house too.  I mean, how much heartache is a girl expected to endure in a single hour?

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Man, he looks good in that tight tank top!  Just so you know, Jason.  I’m NOT dating Hoyt So, you can totally have sex with me.

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That’s right, Jess.  And he probably would have done a whole lot more to you, if King Cockblock didn’t intervene.  Who knew King Cockblock was on Team Hoyt?

After Jessica “leaves,” Jason starts incessantly doing pushups, which, oddly enough, I’m starting to think is his way of jerking off . . . weird.

But don’t worry Team Jassica fans!  I suspect this little love triangle is FAR from over!  Alan Ball would NEVER let so much sexual chemistry go to waste except when it comes to the SHOWER SCENE!  WHY, OH WHY did you screw up the shower scene?

Meanwhile, back in Sookieville . . .

Neck Biting: Good! / Snow Hallucinations: BAAAAAAAAD!

“Don’t take this the wrong way, but would you mind terribly taking off that ugly flannel you’re wearing.  It’s distracting me from my wonderful Neck Bite Orgasm.” 

Back at Amnesia Eric’s Hidey Hole, Sookie rips off the Viking Vamp’s silver chains, only to find that he is not healing, as fast as he should be.  It turns out that Amnesia Eric has been WAY too busy having woodland creature sex to think about feeding.  In fact, the last thing he ate, was THIS . . .

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So, Sookie offers up herself as breakfast, holding on to silver for dear life, as the Viking Vampire gives her the Biggest Hickey Ever!  When he’s done SUCKING, he bites his own hand, and offers it to Sookie to drink, so that they can “become one” or whatever . . .

“I do hope you washed that first!  I mean, lord knows where it’s been . . . Oh wait, I know EXACTLY where it’s been.” 

Talk about biting the hand that feeds you!

Rub-a-dub-Dub!  It’s time for the SHOWER SCENE!

YEAH! 

Everything is going great, until Sookie turns on the showerhead, and SNOWBALLS come out . . .

Honey, this would be a really good time to call your plumber! 

After that, things went downhill fast . . . with Amnesia Eric and Sookie sharing V / Fairy blood induced Narnia hallucinations .  . .

“Is that a snowball in my ass, or are you just happy to see me?” 

Then, Bibbity, Bobbity Boo, all those snowballs magically turn into a fur bed.  And I suddenly know what Cinderella would look like as a porno flick . . .

Do you REALLY want to help, Fairy Godmother?  Than PUT THEM BACK IN THE SHOWER, WHERE THEY BELONG!

While the sex fiends are coming down from their mutual high in a decidedly NON-snowball covered bed, Amnesia Eric asks Sookie to run away with her.

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But Sookie tells him that they can’t run away, because it is their duty to help BEEEEEEEEL fight Witchipoo.  After all, Viking Vamp is a “warrior” and stuff . . . and  . . .

WAIT!  NO!  You two have NO obligation to fight for Beeel, at all!  Stay HOME, for Heaven sakes!  Have more Narnia Sex!  Anything but THIS!  In fact, what happens at the end of the episode to Amnesia Eric is YOUR fault Sookeh for making him “fight like a man” . . . or should I say . . . a vamp!  See?  This is what happens when you avoid the shower!

Just so you know, Sookie.  You and I are in a fight, right now. 

So, Sookie and Amnesia Eric visit King Cockblock, dressed like an old frumpy farming couple from East Deliverance, U.S.A. . . .

What not to wear when going on a witch hunt . . .

The pair tell Beel that they want to fight on his behalf, because Beel is Eric’s liege, and Sookie’s um . . . Bill.  King Cockblock doesn’t think Sookie can be of any help . . . her being . . . you know . . . a girl, and all.  But Sookie reminds him that she has The Glow Fingers.  And, suddenly, all is right in the world . . . until the end of the episode, of course . .  . when it isn’t.

Speaking of people who’d like to f*&k Sookie . . .

Leader of the Pack . . . But Still Whipped . . .

“Hi Greasipoo, meet my girlfriend, Sookie . . . er . . . I mean Trailer Trash Debbie.” 

 For someone who “isn’t into the whole pack thing,” Alcide sure seems to be fitting in quite well.   First, he helps break up a fight, among warring pack members.  Then, he showers Greasipoo with compliments about his decision to keep the pack out of the supernatural in-fighting between the vampires and the witches.  Greasipoo tells Alcide that he has “a little Alpha in him” and Trailer Trash Debbie agrees . . .

I’d like him to put a little Alpha in me! 

Greasipoo informs the Studly Alcide that he can move up in the pack, if he plays his cards right.  But Alcide doesn’t seem all that interested in such political crap.  Cue Trailer Trash Debbie, and her broken record complaints that Alcide spends too much time with Sookie, and that she is probably better in bed than I am is a TOTAL SLUT bad influence, since she sleeps with all those vampires.  Alcide, reluctantly, promises to stay away from Sookie.  And, to his credit, he keeps that promise for an ENTIRE TWENTY MINUTES!

Sorry Debbie!  You’re just not fairy enough for Alcide.

Meanwhile, over in that it’s becoming really annoying Not-so-Evil Baby Storyline . . .

What Big Freaky Ass Eyes You Have, Ghost Mom!

Awww!  Evil Baby and Evil Baby Doll have matching outfits.  How cute!

So, we finally know what’s up with this weird baby storyline.  Apparently, the ghost haunting Evil Baby Mikey is not Rene’s at all.  Rather, he belongs to THIS CHICK . . .

Creepiest EYES EVER!

Apparently, as we learn from flashbacks, Creepy Ghost Mom had sex with some married white dude, back in the day, and gave birth to a child, that he . . . I think . . . killed, so his wife wouldn’t know he was cheating.  The white dude lived in what is now Hoyt’s house.  And Creepy Ghost Mom had brought Ugly Doll originally as a gift for her dead kid.

 

Don’t hate me because I haunt innocent people, and have really bad taste in toys.  Hate me, because I have scary eyes. 

Somehow, Creepy Ghost Mom believes that Evil Baby Mikey is the reincarnated version of her lost child, because he just so happens to enjoy playing with the Ugly Doll.  So, Creepy Ghost Mom does what any mother would do in a situation like this:  She POSSESSES LAFAYETTE’S BODY!

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That night, while everyone is sleeping at the Bellefleur mansion, Possessed Lala saunters right into the house, like he owns the place, tip toes upstairs, and snatches Evil Baby.  What she/he plans to do with it now, is anybody guess.  However I suspect it involves torturing the poor kid with those annoying ass songs Creepy Ghost Mom always sings . . .

“Get me out of this sh*t storyline, Hooker!”

In other boring news . . .

Cat Barbie Still Doesn’t Like Sam (and neither does Greasipoo) .  . .

“I dated a Cat Barbie once, back when I shapeshifted into a Ken Doll.  She was very pretty, but kind of wooden in the sack, if you catch my drift.” 

Here we go again, folks!  Once again, Sam is at Luna’s house, with his proverbial tail between his legs.  It was good that he came in person, because I don’t think they make an e-card yet for: “I’m sorry my Skinwalker Teenage Brother pretended to be me, and had unsatisfying sex with you.”  Sam tries very hard to get back into Luna’s panties, by telling her, that he thinks that what Tommy did to Luna was worse than what he did to his parents.  (Really Sam?  Because, last I checked, Bad Sex couldn’t KILL YOU!)

“So, what’s a little white lie, if it helps get you laid?” 

Sam wins decidedly more points, by playing Barbies with the kid, while Luna cooks dinner.  But then Greasipoo interrupts dinner.  And he’s SUPER PISSED about Sam’s unexpected presence.  Surprise, surprise!  The “jealous boyfriend” / father of her kid Luna was referring to, is actually Marcus Greasioo, a.k.a Shreveport Werewolf Packmaster.

“I’ve even got an evil villain beard!” 

Sam tries to make peace with Greasipoo, but the dude is clearly not having it.  “You just pissed on the wrong boots, my friend,” he says threateningly.

I don’t know.  I don’t think Greasipoo isn’t giving Samipoo enough credit.  It’s not easy to piss on someone else’s boots.  For starters, it requires excellent aim . . .

Speaking of people who piss on your boots . . .

Tommy Boy Strikes Again!


So, this is how it’s going to be, huh?  Each week a new actor gets to pretend to be Tommy, Tommy assumes a new identity.  Comic Hijinks ensue?

This week, Tommy impersonates his once-surrogate Mommy, Maxine (He stole her clothing and makeup from her house the night before), in order to get his hands on the oil money to which he had learned she was entitled, a few weeks back.  Unfortunately, for him, the payoff ends up being not nearly as much as he expected.  But the day is not a total loss!  After all, Tommy Boy still gets the chance to wear awful makeup, do his hair really weird, and order the food Sam hides for himself in the back of the bar “because he is selfish.”  Just another day in the life of a Skinwalker/ Transvestite!

Lookin’ good, Tommy/Maxine! 

I actually think that Tommy Merlotte, would make for a pretty hot chick, don’t you?

In completely unrelated news, that curler-wearing vampire from last week is dead . . . er . . . deader.  (R.I.P.)  So, of course, V-addicted Andy almost licks her off the floor.

Come on, Andy!  Have a little class!  At least use a fork! 

And finally, the storyline you’ve all been waiting for . . .

“Sit, Viking Vamp.  Good dog!  Now beg for shower sex.”

Poor Eric Northman!  Why must they continue to emasculate you on this show?  Penis size envy, perhaps?  For a while there, things were  looking really good for you.  You were ripping throats out, and taking names.  I thought you were finally coming back to yourself.  Then, THIS happened, and well . . . yuck!

It all starts when King Cockblock compelled a reporter (Selah Pumphrey .  . . readers of the book series should remember the name) to allow him to monopolize the airwaves to give out a Pro Vampire PR message, in light of Curler-Wearing Vampire’s death . . .

Witchipoo honestly cracks me up, with her frantic inability to turn off the television to get Vampire Bill’s annoying face off her screen.  (I feel your pain, Witchipoo!)  This was a clever touch on the writers’ part, as it’s easy to forget that “Antonia” hasn’t been around for a LONG time, and has probably never seen a television in her entire life.

Tara is hanging out with Witchipoo.  For about two seconds, she pretends she didn’t know that the purpose of their little witchy spell that morning was to KILL ALL THE VAMPIRES, and feigns outrage over how AWFUL that is.  Then, Tara gets bored of pretending to be a decent human being, and goes right back to being her sniveling, whining, selfish, murderous self . . .

“Hey, Witchipoo!  You’ve got the wrong idea about me.  I never said I wanted the vampire to all die!  I just don’t want them to be on this Earth anymore.  You know, so you should like ship them all to Uranus, or something. . . ” 

Witchipoo is SEETHING over the fact that her little spell only killed that Curler-Wearing vampire!  But she manages to maintain her cool, when a slick and slimy King Cockblock calls her on the phone to arrange a meeting.

“So, Witchipoo, what are you wearing!”

Witchipoo is hesitant to meet with King Cockblock, at first.  But then he blows so much smoke up her ass that she nearly floats out of the room.  And so the pair agree to meet alone at the cemetery at midnight.  Of course, when the meeting time arrives, neither party is exactly alone.

“Expecto Patronum!” 

“Ditto!”

I love when Sookie and Tara look at one another from across the cemetery, and realize they are on opposite sides of this battle.  It’s a total “Et Tu B*tchay?” moment!  King Cockblock promises Witchipoo that the vampires will leave her alone, if she takes her evil spells off of Eric and Pam.  But since Eric and Pam were some of the many vampires who actually HARMED Witchipoo . . . or rather, “Marnie,” she’s not having it.

But then, Witchipoo starts chanting again.  And Eric does THIS . . .

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 . . . which is a decidedly NON-Amnesia Eric thing to do.  So, maybe she despelled him, after all . . . for now.

Eric’s throat grabber is like the starter gun that begins the race.  And all of the sudden, vampires are kicking witches ASSES, left and right.  Sookie even eliminates a few coven losers with her magic fairy fingers.  (You GLOW, girl!)

“Damn!  I could really use a manicure!  My nailbeds are shot to hell!” 

Then, the moment we’ve all been waiting for arrives.  Pam corners Tara, and prepares to break her neck .  . .  ONCE AND FOR ALL!

 “Go Pam!  It’s your birthday!  Gonna murder Tara, like it’s your birthday!  Gonna rip her throat out, like it’s your birthday.”

But then, who should come and screw it all up? But KING COCKBLOCK, who COMMANDS Pam to spare TARA!

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I CONCUR, PAM!  King Cockblock ruins EVERYTHING!

Then someone SHOOTS SOOKIE!

And if you think she actually dies, I have a bridge to sell you in Brooklyn for five cents . . .  

Suddenly, all the men in Sookie’s life stop short in their tracks, because . . . you know . . . EVERYBODY LOVE SOOKEEHHHH!

Witchipoo uses this crucial, “Not without my Soookeeeeh” moment, to try on some new colored contacts . . .

. . . and put YET ANOTHER spell on Eric Northman.  This one seems to make him her (sex?) slave.  (Well, hey, at least SOMEONE’S going to get shower sex!)

Meanwhile, it’s actually ALCIDE, who rescues Sookie from her once-a-season near death experience . . .  lifting her up and out of the frey, in those big burly arms of his .  . .

“Man, this is the biggest doggie treat I have ever seen!” 

Of course, where there is an Alcide, there is a Trailer Trash Debbie stalking nearby.  And she is NOT a happy camper.  So, much for that “stay away from Sookie” promise.  Right Alcide?

Apparently, while in her wolf form, Trailer Trash Debbie is capable of curling her hair, and putting on makeup.  Talk about Stupid Pet Tricks.”

So, just to review:  the episode ends with Formerly Amnesia / Now Sex Slave Eric, getting a head rub from Witchipoo;  Sookie being carried off the premises by the Big Bad Wolf; Trailer Trash Debbie rethinking her 80’s hair; and Tara still alive . . .

In short, NO ONE is happy . . . and life sucks.  Did I mention they forgot to include the Shower Sex?

Oh well . . .  better luck next week, Sookehhhh.  If you live that long . . .

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Tata for now, Fangbangers!

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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