Tag Archives: 4.09

Damon Salvatore is a Babe Magnet . . . Literally – A Recap of The Vampire Diaries’ “We’ll Always Have Bourbon Street”

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Greetings Fangbangers!  So, I’ve been cooking up this theory that I’d like to share with you.  You see, I think that the characters on TVD are like superheroes, in that every one of them has a special magical power, that they can use to combat their enemies.

paul super

Jeremy sees dead people, and is really good at lifting beer kegs . . .

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Bonnie has the power of magical nosebleeds, and unintelligible chanting.  These powers alternatively gross her enemies out, or leave in them in a bored stupor, rendering them helpless against attack . . .

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Caroline has the Power of Perkiness, which makes it difficult to dislike her, even when she’s doing unlikeable things, like complaining about Damon, for no good reason . . .

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Elena has the power to make anyone and everyone completely disregard their own self-interests, and risk their lives and happiness to save her, even when she doesn’t seem to really need saving .  . .

bloody elena

Matt has the power of Magical Waitering.  I’m not quite sure how it works.  I just know he’s a really good waiter, because that’s what we see him doing 95% of the time he’s on the show.

The Last Day

Tyler has the power to make you forget what a douchebag he was in Season 1 . . .

tyler points

Ripper Stefan has the power to eat however many people he wants and never gain weight . . .

tortured-stefan

Why am I telling you all this, you ask?

Simple.  It’s because this week, we finally got to learn Damon’s magical power.  Interestingly enough, it’s one he shares with the actor who plays him.  That’s right, boys and girls.  Both Damon Salvatore and Ian Somerhalder have the power to render any woman they “sink their teeth into” helplessly under their thrall, forever and ever . . .

damon eternal stud

After all, that’s what this controversial “sire bond” storyline is all about, isn’t it?  It effects your bodily responses, not your brain.  It’s basically a slightly less intense, but more long term, form of perpetual compulsion.  At least, that’s what they’re  telling us this week.  Back when Tyler was first sired, it was something completely different.

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And who better than Damon Salvatore to be the one vampire who, just like his alter ego, Ian Somerhalder, seems to convert every woman he “turns” (and some fangirls that he doesn’t), into his willing love slave?

Let’s review, shall we?

[Again, special thanks to Andre for the spectacular screencaps you see here . . . even if parts of his comment on my recap from last week did make me cry a little bit. :)]

Delena Sex 2.0 – Now with more belly kisses!

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I find it a little ironic that of all the sex songs in the world, the producers chose “Eyes on Fire,” the unofficial Twilight theme song, as the soundtrack to Delena’s Morning Sex.  Considering how much the writers of this show, and its cast, hate being compared to the “Bedward” Franchise, you would think they would run screaming from this particular little ditty.

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Now, if they start playing the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, every time Jeremy comes on screen, I’ll know they are just f*&king with us . . .

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Anywhoo, we ended last week’s episode with Damon and Elena having sex.

stayed for the show

And that’s how we started this week’s episode.  I like to imagine that this is because Damon and Elena have been screwing like bunnies, nonstop, for an entire week.  Way to show off that vampire sex stamina, kiddies!

In reality, I imagine, in Mystic Falls, just a few hours of passed, which is still impressive, I guess.  But, you know . . .

Whatever the time duration, it was White Hot . . . like almost hot enough to pay us Delena fans back for last week’s blue ballsy, Caroline and Stefan sponsored, coitus dotheyevershutupus . . .

delena sex

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I don’t know about all of you, but I look craptastic, when I sleep.  Messy hair, bags under the eyes, drooling open mouth, a stupid expression on my face.  To combat this potential embarrassment, whenever I have company over, I tend to sleep with a bag over my head.

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Trust me, it’s better for everyone this way . . .

Fortunately for Elena, Damon doesn’t have that problem.  That close up shot of his naked bod, his blissfully peaceful closed eyes, and his smiling-in-his sleep expression, was phe-f*&king-nomenal.  In fact, I’d very much like to tape it to the inside of my eyelids, so that I could look at it, while I sleep  . . .

sleeping damon yum

wake up damon

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Things only got better from there.  Elena pops up in Damon’s black button down, and matching panty and bra set (Come on!  We all know she woke two hours early to brush her hair, put on makeup and plan out that “just woke up” ensemble).

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They smile at eachother, with this look that says, we just f*&ked eachothers’ brains out, and all is right in the world.

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And, before you know it, they are at it again . . .

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Honestly, I haven’t seen these two individuals seem so happy, and so at peace with themselves in  . . . well . . . ever.  Sire Bond, Schmire Bond.  If it feels this good, I say you should keep doing it.  After all, you only live once . . . or, in this case . . . once FOREVER.

From the sex moans, to the titillating neck kisses, to the part where we focused on Damon’s ecstatic expression, as Elena DEFINITELY went below his belly button, and, as the song says, “blew his whistle, baby,” I continually wonder how this show manages to keep it’s 8 p.m. time slot, without massively pissing off the censors.

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Not that I’m complaining, or anything . . .

And let me tell you, that sex must have been awesome.  Because, after one day, Damon and Elena have already seemingly settled into matrimonial bliss, with him handing off her lunch bag, and tying her scarf, as the kiss eachother adoringly and bid one another adieu at the door.

coupley

Elena’s so happy with Damon, she is even willing to go to school with Sex Head, as Caroline and Bonnie not-so-lovingly point out to her, later in the morning.

But then, just as Elena is leaving, Stefan pops by, because he happened to be “in the neighborhood.”

awkwardness

awkward post sex

Here’s a hint, Damon.  If you want to hide your morning wood from your brother, your hands should be lower .  . .

By the way, is he bunking with Caroline now?  Because, based on those opening scenes, it seemed as though Damon and Elena weren’t the only vampire duo to spend the night together, after the events of the previous week.  Personally, I hope we later find out that the two of them let their Elena-sized frustrations get the better of them, and boned off screen.

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Now, that would be an interesting twist!  Just imagine what Klaus would do, if he found out the two loves of his life “knew one another” in the biblical sense!

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“My heart is a-fire with sadness!”

We need to talk . . .

Smug.  That’s how I would describe Stefan Salvatore’s expression when he tells Damon about the whole “siring thing” that he and Caroline spent the WHOLE night discussing.  In fact, he is so smug that part of me wants Damon to jump on of his chair and shout out, “ELENA AND I HAD SEX,” just to wipe that look off of his face.

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But, alas, Damon restrains himself.  And so Stefan assigns his elder brother a little “test” to confirm his hypothesis regarding the existence of this all-powerful sire bond.  (Those guys from The Big Bang Theory would be proud!)  Damon has to tell Elena to drink from a blood bag, something she had previously been unable to do.  If she can do it, she’s sired.  If not, not.  It’s that simple.

thinking damon bitemesomerhalder

Or is it?

Because, if I recall correctly, Damon never told Elena that she wouldn’t be able to drink his blood.  And yet, “Sire Girl” went and yakked that up too.  I also don’t recall Damon telling Elena to run off in a huff, after the two engaged in a bit too much “Snatch, Eat, Erase,” at that frat party.

damon and matt

Let’s not forget about the time Elena beat the sh*t out of Damon for trying to kill Matt . . .

leave him alone

So, Elena doesn’t always do everything Damon says.  At least, she hasn’t up until this week . . .

Long story short, Damon heads to visit Elena for her once-a-month trip to school  And what Elena thought was going to be a surprise Coitus Session, in Alaric’s old classroom (R.I.P. Big Guy!), ended up being nothing more than an impromptu “bottle feeding.”

blood bag

blue balls

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, the experiment works.  Elena, of course, is thrilled.  Now, that she can drink Soccer Mom from a juice box, our newest resident fanger can once again be the “Moral Vampire” she’s always assumed she’d be!

school hug

“Now, can we have sex?”

Plus, I don’t know who she’s been drinking from all this time.  But my guess is that Bar Boy Matt has developed a serious Iron Deficiency.  Now, when he and Jer Bear get high together at the Gilbert house, instead of stumbling around Mystic Falls, muttering, “Dude where’s my truck?,” he just sort of collapses on the floor and plays dead. . .

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Damon, of course, looks terribly depressed.

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And when Damon is depressed, we’re all depressed . . .

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Of course, the scene also serves as a reminder of how much this character has changed since Season 1.  I’m thinking Old Damon would have had a blast with this siring scenario.  In fact, I strongly suspect he would have said something like this.  “Hey Elena.  That’s great that you can drink from blood bags now.  That means you can drink from me . . . no wait, try sipping from my other head . . .”

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All kidding aside, at this point, the poor vampire has got to be feeling like the World is out to get him . . . or at least to Cockblock him for All Eternity . . .

Teen Wolf Tyler versus Kim the Barbarian

With the exception of a tie-in scene that occurs later on in the episode, Tyler and Hayley’s plotline seemed distinctly separate from the rest of the episode.   So, I’m going to summarize it as such.

tyler crack

Considering how hybrids on this show are killed as easily as ants crushed under foot, it’s kind of a miracle that Klaus has managed to keep Lucky 13 of them alive, as long as he has.

If I recall correctly, last week we were told that “Kim” was the last of the sired hybrids.  But apparently, another one has magically appeared.  And when that hybrid gripes about the painful un-siring process, Kim rides to his rescue, asserting the moderately attractive male hybrid’s God-given right to be Gay for Klaus FOREVER .  . .  Talk about democracy at it’s finest . . .

unturned

kim and guy

“I’m calling PETA!”

At first, Tyler only seems mildly annoyed by this recent turn of events.  And this prompts Hayley to Lady MacBeth him into asserting dominance over Kim and the rest of this Rag Tag Hybrid Crew.  It was all very Derek Hale in Teen Wolf to me, which probably made me enjoy the storyline, more than I would otherwise.  They even tossed around the term “Alpha,” this week, with as much frequency as Stefan says the words “emotions are heightened.”

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(By the way, if I ever decide to make a Talking Stefan Salvatore doll, remind me to include “emotions are heightened” as one of the phrases that comes out of his mouth, when you pull the string in his ass.  Other Stefan-y sayings include: “I’m doing it for Elena,” “You’re wrong, Damon,” “I had to know her,” and, my personal favorite, “I’m freaking hungry!”)

freaking hungry

Later in the episode, we learn the reason why Hayley is so intent on ALL of the hybrids breaking their bond.  You see, apparently, she promised Good Ole Professor Boo Radley sex TWELVE hybrids, in return for information about her “missing parents.”  (Geez!  Is EVERYONE on this show an orphan?)  And if she gets all the ones that are Not Tyler to fall in line, Ty-Ty can live, while his dozen packmates fry like bacon.

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Now, that’s what a call a Nice Girl . . .

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Seriously though, I was happy to hear a solid reason why Hayley would choose to be . . . wait for it . . . IN CAHOOTS . . . with a creeper like Professor Boo Radley.  Now, that I know the reason, I can go back to thinking she’s awesome . . .

In slightly less awesome news . . .

Another Brick in the Wall . . .

As much as I adored seeing Damon and Stefan in 40’s hair and military uniforms (one word: SMOKIN!) . . .

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. . . part of me felt like the writers could have had a lot more fun with the New Orleans / Louisiana backdrop than they did.  For starters, Louisiana has always had a rich history, when it comes to belief in the supernatural.   It’s the Home of Voodoo, for crying out loud!  I would have thought the TVD staff would have had a field day with that little tidbit.

Aside from that, HELLO!  MARDI GRAS!  FAT TUESDAY!  That sort of decadence and debauchery has got to be a veritable smorgasbord for vampires looking to bite a neck (or a boob), in exchange for a cheap beaded necklace or two.

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Additionally, I feel like Plec and co. totally wasted the opportunity to include at least ONE deliciously meta True Blood joke . . .

must be thurs

I wanna do real bad things with you . . .

But enough griping.  Let’s focus on what actually happened.  Shall we?

Damon and Stefan decide to road trip to New Orleans, because it turns out that Elena isn’t the first newbie vampire to catch the Sire Disease from Damon.  Apparently, some chick named Charlotte got it too.

made a meal

Odd right?  Because Damon seemed genuinely surprised when Stefan broke the news about Elena’s sire bond to his brother.  You would think, given his past, Damon reaction would be something more along the lines of “Oh crap!  Not again!  Why do I have to be so gosh darn irresistible?”

Anywhoo, Sire Charlotte isn’t exactly the sharpest tool in the shed.  And apparently, back in 1940, when Damon tried to get rid of her, by telling her to count bricks in the wall and wait for his return, she did . . . FOR SEVENTY FRIGGIN YEARS.

not that into you

oh hell to the no

You know what that tells me?  Charlotte doesn’t know how to count . . .

You would think girlfriend would be totally pissed about being dissed like this. I mean, this was a girl who KILLED A SAILOR just because he spilled Damon’s drink.  Talk about someone with anger management issues.  But it turns out she’s POSITIVELY THRILLED to see Damon.

Charlotte, I suspect, is meant to be the poster child for why siring is BAAAAAD.  But I strongly suspect that Charlotte’s bizarre behavior had just as much to do with the kind of person she was before Damon sired her as it does with the supernatural bond.  Case in point, had the sire bond worked like this on Elena, she’d still be over at that frat party from a few episodes ago, “snatching, eating and erasing,” until her lips fell off . . .

vampire elena

Charlotte’s behavior must have freaked out Damon pretty badly back then, because he was willing to visit some Witchy Lady and KILL 12 people, just because the Crazy Lady told him it MIGHT break the sire bond.  Talk about the power of suggestion!

Oooh . . . wait a second . . . TWELVE PEOPLE .  . .the TWELVE HYBRIDS that Professor Shane needs for his spell . . . I SMELL A PARALLEL!

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As it probably already figured out, it doesn’t work.  And Damon skips town as a result . . . well, not entirely.  He also skips town, because LEXI tells him that he’s a BAAAD influence on Stefan, and that his mere presence will make his baby bro go full-on Ripper again.  I’m starting to think that Caroline is actually Lexi reincarnated . . .

lexi shortcake

Oh look!  It’s Lexi Fruitcake!

strawberry shortcake

I’m actually not going to go into too much more detail regarding this brotherly un-bonding, except to say that, like many of the occurrences on this show, it made me mad, on Damon’s behalf.  I mean, come on!  How many times are we going to have to see this guy, give up his happiness, and pretend to be a dick, for the “greater good?”  It’s exhausting . . .

Speaking of exhausting . . .

Would you like a side of judgment, with that Bourbon?

Girls night IN at La Casa de Rich and Awesome for Elena, Bonnie and Caroline.  It’s been a while since we’ve seen these three have anything resembling a good time with one another.  So, it was kind of refreshing to see it happen here, even if it was only for a short while.

friends cuddle

Also, was it just me, or did Bonnie seem way more chill this week, than she’s been in about three seasons?  Put it this way, in this episode, BONNIE was telling CAROLINE not to be judgmental and obnoxiously mean about Damon.  Go figure!  Maybe all that “Spirit Tea” (Come on TVD!  Call it what it OBVIOUSLY was, MARY JAY!   Not one of those girls picked up a teacup the entire night.), coupled with her 18 hour long hypnosis sections with Professor Boo Radley have finally mellowed her out . . .

sleepy bonnie

Now, if she could just do something about her mumbling and perpetually bloody noses, I could maybe learn to appreciate her more as a character . . . NAH, I still probably wouldn’t.  But it would be a start.

Anyway, we get a nice little montage of the girls all drugged up and dancing around the apartment, not unlike Damon famously did with the tragic Victoria Donovan, back in Season 1.  Elena even did that trademark Damon Dance Move, where she flew up on the furniture and gyrated to the music, like an undead female Elvis.  Bonnie recorded it on her cell phone for posterity . . .

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speed dancing

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But things take a turn for the worst, when Elena starts lounging in Damon’s empty bathtub, prompting Caroline to joke that you could probably get STDs from sitting in there.  (Can vampires even get STDs?)

love bathtub

The comment infuriates Elena.  And Caroline’s insistence that she only loves Damon, because she’s sired to him pisses her off even more.  Elena then proudly admits to boning Damon .  . .

admits to sex

rough sex

. . . before excommunicating her besties from the premises.  YEAH!  YOU GO GIRL!  YOU DEFEND THAT DELENA SEX TO THE DEATH!  I know I will . . .

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Unfortunately, they don’t get very far in their  exile.  Because, as it turns out, Elena has some company . . .

Alls well that ends witchy . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon meets with a VERY well-preserved witch lady, who ends up being the daughter of the Original Witch Lady who made him kill all those people.  AWK-WARD!

witch lady

witch mom

Want to see things get more uncomfortable?  Next she tells him that the whole “killing people to break the sire bond,” thing was a total crock of sh*t.  Mommy Dearest only told him that, so that she can obtain power from his murders to practice EVIIIIIIIILLL magic.  Hmmm . . . is that what Professor Boo Radley is up to?  Maybe . . .

But don’t hate on Witchy Lady just yet.  It turns out, she’s on Team Delena!

go team delena

After all, she DOES tell Damon and Stefan that sire bonds among vampires only arise when the bonded pair ALREADY has strong romantic feelings for one another.  Take that, VAMPIRE BARBIE!

human feelings

But then Witchy Lady quickly falls out of my good graces, by telling Damon that the only way he can break the sire bond to Elena is by telling her never to see him again.  I don’t know.  That sounds like a bit much, don’t you think?

nodding oh yeah

You would think a Master of Compulsion like Damon would find a more “direct” way of accomplishing this goal.  Like, for example, “Hey Elena.  Here’s a thought.   When I tell you to do stuff, you shouldn’t do it, just because I asked you.  You should stop, and think long and hard about whether you ACTUALLY want to do it.  Then do it or don’t do it, based on that . . .  You know, kind of like you’ve ALWAYS done, up until these past two episodes . . .”

Of course, that probably wouldn’t make for a very good story, now would it?

shakes head

And so, we leave Damon in New Orleans to ponder his BIG DECISION.

Meanwhile, back at La Casa de Rich and Awesome Hybrid Kim and her Adequate Looking Henchman crash Elena’s party, despite the fact that they are vampires, who have never been invited inside the house.  I think it’s safe to say we’ve completely done away with this “rule” on this show, by now, right?

party crashers

“Hi neighbor!  We brought STEAKS . . . wait . . . did I say steaks?  I meant STAKES!”

Anywhoo, they kidnap Caroline  .  . . because, next to kidnapping Elena, that’s the Second favorite past time of villains on this show . . .

kidnapped

“If deja-vu happens multiple times, does it become deja-vu-vu-vu-vu?”

Also, well, they know it will royally piss off Tyler.  And you wouldn’t like Tyler when he is angry . . .

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Elena and Bonnie try to help, by growling, and making constipated faces, respectively.  But, alas,  it is to no avail.  Elena then calls Tyler for help.  And, wouldn’t you know it?  Tyler’s on Team Delena too!  (TAKE THAT CAROLINE!)  He tells her that sire bonds affect how you ACT,  not how you feel.

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And though I like that idea,  because it reaffirms that the love between Damon and Elena is real . . .

happy elena

. . . it does kind of seem like a fine line to me.  I mean, I imagine, for someone going through the siring process, it must be really hard to tell the difference between their thoughts and their actions, hence the Delena Dilemma . . .

Dominance and Submission

During what I suspect will go down in TVD history as the Great Hybrid Standoff of 2012, with Stefan and Damon MIA, Tyler and Elena are forced to split Hero Duty right down the middle.  For her part, Elena offers herself up to torture, instead of Caroline, claiming that the destruction of the Big Bad’s precious doppelganger will hurt him more than that of his teenybopper love interest.

take me

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To which, Caroline inevitably responds, “Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!  Elena!  Elena!  Elena!”

lucky air

Just kidding, she’s thrilled to get a reprieve from having her ass kicked.  She gives Elena a hug, and suddenly all is right in the world between them . . . sort of.

As for Tyler, he literally gets a hold on Kim’s heart, and forces her to bend a knee.  Next thing we know, triumphant music is playing, and all the hybrids are on their knees.  (KINKY!)

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all on knee

“Shhh.  We’re not really supporting Tyler.  We’re just sitting down, because Klaus always makes us stand around, looking fierce.  And our legs are tired.”

 It’s all very Game of Thrones to me.

game of thrones funny

In fact, a part of me keeps expecting the Khaleesi to pop out and start screaming about her precious dragons . . .

Later, Hayley pops by Professor Boo Radley’s casa, to tell him that ALL THE HYBRIDS are sire free, which means HOORAY Tyler doesn’t have to be one of the twelve dead ones.  And Boo Radley replies, “Haha, jokes on you.  Your parents are dead anyway.  So, I basically got you to work for free.”

eye roll

Then, he makes some offhand comment about Hayley still being able to SEE her parents.  And at first, I think he’s saying that, because he’s going to kill her.  But then I remember the Fro-Haired Prof blathering on about Silas “coming back from the dead,” a few weeks ago.  And now, I’m thinking Boo’s prophecy might be more literal than Hayley suspects . . .

Back in New Orleans, Damon tells Charlotte he’s “just not that into her,” so she should probably stop, you know counting bricks and stuff, and go get a life . . . or at least a more well-rounded undeath.

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After he returns home, Damon’s face bears the pained expression of someone who is, once again, being forced to do the “unselfish” thing, for the woman he loves.  He’s looking down the barrel of another eternity alone, and it kills him.  You can see it on his face.  He sees Elena, who’s all happiness and smiles, despite, you know, almost getting killed.  And, whereas earlier today the sight of her made him the happiest man on Earth, now he can barely look at her.

fighting for 2

But here’s a surprise.  For once, it’s Elena whose pulling Damon closer, as he tries to push her away, “for her own good.”  It’s Elena whose convincing Damon that they are RIGHT for eachother, RIGHT NOW.  It’s who knows about the sire bond.  And doesn’t care.  And it’s Elena, who cups her hand lovingly across Damon’s cheek, and asks rhetorically, does this feel wrong to you?”

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And how does Damon respond?

Tune in next week to find out, Fangbangers!  Haha, sucks doesn’t it!

Perhaps, this little preview will make you feel better . . .

Until next time!

waves

[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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Filed under The Vampire Diaries

Hot Butts, Pick-Up Trucks, and a Boy Named BEEEEEEEEELL! – A Recap of True Blood’s “Let’s Get Out of Here”

Oh, Sookie Scream Face . . . how I’ve missed you!  Now, if they could just bring back your Ugly Cry Face, I’d truly be a happy camper . . .

That’s the ONE! 

Greetings Fangbangers!  This week on True, Blood we found ourselves faced with a number of very important questions:

(1) Is it OK to “love them both?”

 

(2) Eric’s Ass or Alcide’s Ass?


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(3) Are Taylor Swift songs an appropriate soundtrack for Pick-Up Truck F*&ks?

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(4) And finally . . . posing as a bunny, so that your girlfriend’s daughter can fondle you . . . sweet gesture, or just really, really creepy?

Be prepared to ponder these issues and many more in this week’s recap, or Trailer Trash Debbie will kill you . . . with kindness.

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[As always,  special thanks to SkarsgardFans.com, for the amazing screencaps you see here!]

Prayer Time, with Werewolf and Vampire . . .

I don’t know . . . when I wake up in the morning, all I see staring back at me is my friggin alarm clock.

A werewolf and a vampire are both seeking salvation.  It sounds like the beginning of a joke, right?  But that’s what happens when Alcide carries a bleeding-to-death Sookie back to her house, and King Cockblock steals his thunder, by scooping her out from under him, rushing her to the couch, and sticking his bloody hand in her mouth . . .

Remember the last time Sookie was on the couch . . .  just sayin’ 

A little man-bickering occurs, when King Cockblock notes that he shouldn’t have ALLOWED Sookie to fight tonight, and Alcide seconds that emotion wholeheartedly.  “Werewolf . . . shut the f*&k up!”  King Cockblock replies, which isn’t a very kingly thing to say, if you ask me.

“Grrrrr . .  . feel that trickle of water down your pants, BEEEEL?  That’s me peeing on your leg.”

King Cockblock then instructs Alcide that Sookie is near death, and requires both of their prayers.  To this, Alcide, hilariously responds: “We are a werewolf and a vampire. [If we pray], who’s going to listen?”

 

“I will!  I will!”

It’s an interesting philosophical question, and one that sounds kind of odd coming from a werewolf.  After all, unlike vampires — who always seem particularly prone to mopey behavior and self-loathing — I always assumed that werewolves just thought they were the Bee’s Knees . . . (whatever the heck that weird expression means) .  . . and that everyone, the Lord included, would want to be just like them.

And what man wouldn’t want to look just like Alcide? 

Anywhoo . . . Sookie awakens to the faces of two of the three men currently interested in f*&king her . . .

“What the hell, Alan Ball!  You forgot one!”

Personal sidenote:  When I was a baby, I’ve been told my first word was “Daddy.”  So, every night, when I needed a diaper change, THAT’S who I would call.  Except my dad never changed my diapers.  Only my mom did.  And it INFURIATED her how long I refused to learn the word “Mommy,” even though SHE was the one doing all the dirty work . . . literally.

I imagine this was how Alcide and King Cockblock felt, when they saved Sookie’s life, and all she kept doing was whining for the Viking Vamp. . .

After about the fifth time, in as many minutes, Sookie demands that her lovers find Eric for her, so that she could go back to having that Narnia sex she enjoys so much, Alcide gets fed up.  He then carefully reminds her how many times hanging out with vampires has almost killed her, and tells her to wake up and smell the dead people!  But Sookie is still all, “ERIC, ERIC, BRING ME MY ERIC.”

So, Alicide leaves.  Bill stays though, and, as a result, he is rewarded with a “Thanks for the blood, Bud.  Now, go find my Eric . . .

“But Soookkeeeehhh, I lovvvvvveeee youuuuuuu!”

Wow, talk about biting the hand that feeds you, Sookie!  Speaking of Eric . . .

Worst Use of a Sex Toy EVER!

“Fellow coven members, this is my new pet Eric.  Let’s see how well Eric follows commands.  Eric . . . take off your clothes and start humping my leg.”

Ever since last week, when Witchiepoo converted Eric into her personal slave, I’ve been pondering the important question of what I would do, were I ever lucky enough to have a Sexy Viking Vamp-esque man servant, who is trained to do whatever I tell him.  I came with a list of tasks I would have him perform, most of them X-rated . . . chief among them, “Shower Sex,” OBVIOUSLY!

Interestingly enough, you know what two things WEREN’T on that list:

(1) Wash your face; and

(2) Kill someone who’s already dead.

But, guess what?  Those are THE ONLY TWO THINGS WITCHIEPOO WANTED ERIC TO DO!

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Most of Witchiepoo’s fellow witches are appalled by her sheer lack of imagination.  They don’t think using your Sex Toy to kill a King in a public place is such a good idea.  Some of them even try to leave, but Witchiepoo magically locks the doors, so that they can’t.  Poor little witches.  Now, they are stuck in an old stinky magic shop with: (1) a wackadoo wench, who wouldn’t know a good time, if it bit her in the ass; (2) a VERY hungry vampire; (3) and, probably, only one bathroom.  Talk about a nightmare!

Still, the fact that Tara is miserable, makes me happy.  So, well played, Witchiepoo!

“Mommy’s a little busy right now, honey. Go play with your bunny . . . oops.”

SAM!  Get your head out of that little girl’s CROTCH!

Sam’s still at Luna’s house, trying desperately to get into her pants for the first time, despite the fact that Tommy already did so, while wearing his face.  But Luna isn’t really feeling up for sex.  She’s more concerned about the fact that her ex-boyfriend is terrorizing her daughter, and wants to KILL her current boyfriend.  Not about to let little, insignificant, things like that keep him from getting laid, Sam has the lame temporary kind of dumb brilliant idea to take Luna and her daughter camping with them.  After all, he is the owner of “multiple tents.”

“Hey Big Spender!  That’s a whole lotta . . . fabric”

Things are going pretty well for Sam on his little camping trip, with Luna and her kid just eating up Sam’s remarkable prowess for sleeping outside and peeing in the woods . . .

Oh, you have much better aim than your little brother.  I should have known that wasn’t you.”

But then things take a turn for the odd, when Luna’s little girl (her name’s Emma, by the way) gripes about wild bunny rabbits not letting her pet them, like the class pet bunny rabbits at school do.  So, what does Sam do?  He TURNS HIMSELF INTO A RABBIT, and let’s Emma pet him . . . like . . . A LOT.

“Daddy likes being pet . . .” 

Now, if you don’t think too hard about it, this is a super sweet gesture.  I mean, he made the kid happy, right?  Sure . . . but he also sat on her lap, and let her rub him all over.  Just sayin’ . . .

Things got even more inappropriate when Luna LEFT HER OWN DAUGHTER IN A TENT BY HERSELF to go screw Sam.  Yeah, because THAT’S safe, with a sadistic ex-boyfriend on the loose!

Not to mention the countless number of creatures and things that go “bump” in the night . . . something Sam and Luna undoubtedly won’t be able to hear, since they are too busy “bumping” eachother.  I mean, clearly, neither of these individuals has ever seen the Blair Witch Project . . .

Interestingly enough, while Sam and Luna are beating eachother off, Sam’s little brother Tommy is just plain getting beaten . . . (What else is new, right?)

Greasypoo versus Tommy/Sam . . . a match made in dog poopy

“How do you do, Greasypoo!”

The much-maligned Tommy Boy is busy writing Sam an apology/ goodbye letter on a check.  (Well, golly gee!  I guess really DID learn how to read!)   Then suddenly, the door opens, and Greasypoo comes crashing into Merlotte’s looking for Sam.  Greasypoo would very much like to invite Sam to an Ass Kicking.  So, Tommy, who LOVES Ass Kickings, like nobody’s business, decides to go in Sam’s place.  (How generous of him!)

It sure beats having to dress like THIS . . . 

Also in attendance at the Ass Kicking is Alcide, who, following his rejection by Sookie, has decided to become Trailer Trash Debbie’s wolfy pet, 100%.  And Trailer Trash Debbie wants Alcide to be involved with Greasypoo’s pack.  So . . . involved, Alcide must be!

“I will expect on a big hunk of raw meat on my doorstep, as payment for this . . .”

When Tommy/Sam arrives at the rumble spot, Greasypoo threatens him to stop screwing Luna.  Tommy/Sam cleverly remarks that “Sam” has neve even had sex with Luna (which, at this point in the story, was still true . . . for a few more minutes, anyway).  Unfortunately, for Tommy, the moron can’t keep his mouth shut.   And minutes later, he’s bragging about how HE (Tommy Merlotte) slipped Luna the hot skinwalker injection.  As expected, Greasypoo and his friends start kicking Tommy/Sam’s ass, immediately thereafter, despite promising Alcide that they wouldn’t.

“Oops!  My hand must have slipped . . . into your jaw . . . while clenched in a fist.” 

It’s ALCIDE who breaks up the fight, long enough for Greasypoo to realize he’s been beating up the wrong guy.

Now, here’s my question:  As a skinwalker, and a shapeshifter, can’t you shift into anyone or ANYTHING?  Why then is it that Sam and Tommy only seem willing to shift into lame THINGS and lame PEOPLE, respectively?   For example, we’ve seen Sam transform into a couple of pretty wimpy looking dogs, a fly, and a horny, possibly pedophillic, bunny.  So, why not a Lion, a Tiger, or a Bear, oh my!

Likewise, Tommy, so far, has transformed into Sam and Maxine Fortenberry.

  Admittedly, Maxine’s played some pretty bad ass Wii, during her Maenad possession days . . . So, that has to count for something.

But, if he knew he was going to be fighting Greasypoo on his brother’s behalf, why not transform into The Rock, or Vin Diesel, or at least, a WWF wrestler?  Heck, if I had to fight someone, I’d shift into that kid Emma, before I shifted into Sam!  At least SHE’S scrappy!

“I would shift into Cat Barbie!  Because Cat Barbie KICKS ASS!”

“Give me back my EVIL BABY, DAMMIT!”

Hoyt is having a BAD DAY!  He’s woken up with a MAD HANGOVER!  His house stinks of booze, body odor, and bad memories, of his recent breakup with Vampire Jess.  He throws her Twilight Book (haha!), Good Housekeeping Magazines, and various other pop culture paraphernalia, into a box labeled, “For you, Monster.”  And then a Possessed Lala, carrying an Evil Baby, waves a gun at his head, and tells him to get out of the house.  So, Hoyt listens . . . except . . . HE’S NOT WEARING ANY PANTS!

I said, NO PANTS, Hoyt!  Not NO SHIRT!  Get with the program! 

Jason gets the frantic call from a frustrated Hoyt, while he’s still questioning Terry and Arlene about their recently missing child.  The crew all decide to head to Hoyt’s house, to see if they can get Evil Baby back.  Andy benevolently offers to get Hoyt some pants, but forgets after slurping up some yummy V juice.

Funniest Addict Face EVER!

Back at Hoyt’s, Possessed Lala is still waving his gun at everybody who comes near him, and singing to Evil Baby.  He also won’t let any white people into the house.  This, of course, is highly inconvenient, considering that Tara and Lala may very well be the only African Americans in Bon Temps, unless you count the woman currently inhabiting Lala’s body, of course.

“It’s called affirmative action, b*&tches!  I’m just trying to prove a point!” 

Finally, after what seems like a pretty extended standoff, between Possessed Lala, and . . . well, everyone . . . Jesus arrives.

Just kidding!  It’s NURSE JESUS!

“Remember me?  I spent two episodes hanging out with Grandpa Goatlicker.  But I am back to save the day.  YAY!”

Jason, being Jason, wants to know if this is all some weird Sex Roleplay Thing he and Lala do together.  Jesus is not amused.  (But only because he doesn’t realize how much fun roleplaying could be during sex.)

“Don’t knock it, until you’ve tried it, Buddy!” 

As soon as he enters the house, and sees his boyfriend prancing around like a crazy lady, Jesus  immediately figures out what’s going on with Lala.  Apparently, Lala has been possessed by Crazy Eye Lady Mavis, because Mavis’ baby was taken from her, and killed in Hoyt’s house.  When Mavis tried to see the baby, the father panicked and killed MAVIS too!  The bastard then buried both bodies in front of Hoyt’s house, never too be found again  . . . until now.

“I brought back Crazy Lady’s spirit with this doll!  It’s like Child’s Play, only with southern accents, and less butchering.”

What finally clues Mavis in to the fact that this ISN’T her baby, or her body, is that, unlike Mavis, Lala has a weiner.

(Who knew?)

“AHHHH!  How could I make a baby with this?”  Mavis inquires hilariously.  (Well, Mavis, I hate to break this to you, but weiners are kind of required machinery in the baby-making process.)

Jesus, then instructs Hoyt and Terry to dig up Mavis’s decayed dead nasty baby, which she holds, as if it isn’t decayed, dead and nasty . . . you know, because SHE’S TOTALLY EFFIN NUTS  Then Jesus does some MORE magic, to send that b*tch back from whence she came.

Hasta la Vista . .  . you wackadoodle Ghost Mom, you!

In an oddly touching scene, Mavis thanks Lala, and heads up to Heaven, holding and singing to her no longer corpse-looking child.  Poor Heaven!  Now, they are going to have to listen to Mavis sing that AWFUL song, for all eternity.  Sounds more like Hell to me . . .

Speaking of Heaven and Hell . . .

Remember that time when Sookie dreamed she was on The Vampire Diaries?

“Bite me, Damon and Stefan . . . er . . . I mean Eric and Bill.”

Sookie’s napping on the couch (because, like I said, she never, ever works at Merlotte’s anymore), when she awakens clad in a red lace number that would make Vampire Katherine Pierce proud.

Her hair is also perfect and flowy, like the women on the cover of those romance novels.  Piping through the house is this weird music, that’s kind of a cross between the old Sex and the City theme song, instrumental music from old crime movies, and the type of tunes you’d hear in the background of commercials for feminine hygiene products . . .

Music to my ears . . . if I had any .  . . 

But WAIT . . . someone is at the door . . .

Hallelujah!  It’s non-amnesia Eric, with his sexy non-amnesia Eric hair, that cocky non-amnesia Eric look in his eye, and those tight fitting non-amnesia Eric clothes.  Him and Sookie start going at it on the couch, like only Sookie and NON-Amnesia Eric could (no Narnia Sex here!), when it turns out that Vampire Bill is watching the whole thing, like the creepy King Cockblock / vampire voyeur he totally is!

Oh, that’s right!  Now, I remember!  Sookie has BOTH Vampire Eric, and King Cockblock’s blood in her system, and both are dueling for control of her sex dream!

Forget SOOKIE!  These two should really considering f*&king one another!

Sookie sits these two naughty boys on the couch, and gives them the business.  She doesn’t want to belong to Eric OR Bill.  She wants them both to belong to her.  “Why choose one vampire over the other CHOOSE ERIC!  CHOOSE ERIC!  CHOOSE ERIC . . . (and maybe Alcide too!) when you can choose both, and experience, double the pleasure and double the fun?”  Sookie wonders.

And because this is HER dream, her boyfriends obey her every command, without putting up much of a fight . . .

See, Witchiepoo?  Now, SOOKIE is a woman who KNOWS how to use her man servants!  I suggest you take notes . . .

SOMEONE’S Going to Be Sore in the Morning . . .

Back at home, Nan is bawling her eyes out over being kicked out by Hoyt and rejected by Jason.  She’s also coincidentally reminding Nan Flanagan, why she never decided to become a maker.

“Could someone please turn off this Hallmark movie?  I’d very much like to return to my plans for world domination.” 

Meanwhile, Hoyt has just got his house back from Possessed Lala, and commands that his bestie, Jason, bring the “Monster Box” back to the “Monster.”  Jason balks at the idea of seeing Jess again, given all his .  . . urges, and tells Hoyt that it isn’t his place to do that.  But Hoyt replies, as his friend, it is exactly his place.

So Jason, winds up on Jess’ doorstep, looking fiinnnnnne in his leather jacket outfit, and looking strooooooong carrying the box on which he crossed out the words, “Here you go, Monster,” in an effort to spare Jess’ feelings . . .

Fortunately, there’s a solution to this problem . . . one that involves super raunchy sex in the back of a pickup truck with the Taylor Swift song “Haunted” inappropriately playing in the background . . .

Sorry Hoyt!

Speaking of post-coital . . .

Sookie and Trailer Trash Debbie . . . GO TEAM . . . HUH?

Sookie has awakened from her Dream Threesome, and is now wearing a sweatshirt I’m pretty sure I had in third grade . . .

“Hi, is this the Fashion Police?   I’d like to report myself for a gross violation of age-appropriate clothing.”

Trailer Trash Debbie is at the door.  And considering we last saw her, glaring at Alcide with wolfy eyes, and picking up V in a back alley, We are all thinking THIS CANNOT BE GOOD!

“Hiya, pal!  I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar, and rip your face off with my teeth . . .” 

Sookie seems pretty skeptical of Trailer Trash’s motives too.  However, when she reads her mind, Sookie comes to the conclusion that Trailer Trash’s motives are pure.  So, Sookie decides to let Debbie help her to find Eric . . .

To be honest, I don’t really buy this change in heart.  Could the “V” that Debbie took prior to arriving at Sookie’s somehow block her true thoughts from the fairy telepath?  Is she just going with a “keep your friends close, and enemies closer” philosophy?  Does she figure that if Sookie gets Eric back, she will finally leave Alcide alone?  Or is there a darker plan lurking beneath the surface?  I guess only time will tell.

We’ve still got our eye on you, Glow Eyes! 

But for now, Trailer Trash Debbie is functioning as Sookie’s sidekick.  She distracted Witchipoo at the coven, so that Sookie could see Eric, and learn what plans Witchipoo had in store for him.  When Sookie’s presence was exposed, however, it was oddly enough, Annoying Ass Tara, who helped Sookie get away.  She did this, by cleverly holding a gun to her head, and instructing her best friend to “jump her,” so that the escape looked like an “accident” on Tara’s part.

We still don’t like you, Tara . . . Sorry! 

Trailer Trash then drives Sookie to the Tolerance meeting, where all the poop is REALLY about to hit the fan . . .

So much for Vampire Tolerance . . .

Despite Bill’s pleas that the event be called off, the Vampire Tolerance convention (which only features two actual vampires) goes off without a hitch . . .

Oh, look, Nan stole Vampire Pam’s outfit!  No wonder she wasn’t in this episode.  She had nothing to wear!

 . . . that is . . . until Witchipoo arrives with Zombie Eric, and puts all the vampire sheriffs under her spell, so that the whole group of them are running around in public killing everyone that’s not, you know, DEAD already.

 “Hi!  Welcome to Witchipoo’s Slave Club!  My name is Zombie Eric, and I will be your King Cockblock killer, today!”

In the final seconds of the episode, Sookie dashes into the pavillion and warns Bill to run, just as Eric jumps at him with one word in his hazy, mostly, blank, amnesia-addled mind . . . MURDER . . .

And once again, Alan Ball has attempted to make us nervous by “threatening the life” of a character we know all to well WILL NOT GET KILLED.  What do you think, we were born yesterday?  LAME!  Can you say, CLIFFHANGER?

Be sure to tune in next week, when Eric almost definitely WON’T succeed in doing this . . .

 . . . Terry and V-addicted Andy will engage in the battle of the century, and, POSSIBLY, there will be a HUGE confrontation between former (?) besties, Jason and Hoyt, over the Pick-Up Truck F*&k heard round the world . . .

See ya then, Fangbangers!

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[www.juliekushner.com][Fangirls Forever]

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